1
00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:11,928
- Here you go, doc, your usual.
- My usual.
2
00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:13,597
How lovely it is to have a usual.
3
00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:17,850
What is this?
4
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:19,727
Latte with nutmeg and cinnamon.
5
00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:23,273
No, no, that's my brother's usual.
I am the double Kona with cream.
6
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:27,360
Oh, Frasier, am I glad to see you.
7
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:28,904
- Your usual, doc?
- Please.
8
00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:34,201
Thank you.
9
00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:38,663
Niles, you seem more
than usually agitated today.
10
00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:39,622
Problem?
11
00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:41,916
I'm meeting my publisher here
in 15 minutes.
12
00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:43,543
Remember the book deal
I signed last month?
13
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,795
- The one you were so jealous of?
- I wasn't jealous, Niles.
14
00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:47,213
You just wanted me to be jealous.
15
00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:50,174
Well, it's all moot anyway.
The deal's about to be killed.
16
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:52,927
Turned out the idea I sold them
had already been done,
17
00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:56,389
and they gave me till today to come up
with an alternative, and I've got bubkes.
18
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,974
I've got less than bubkes.
19
00:00:57,975 --> 00:01:01,144
I've got what bubkes keeps for lint
in the bottom of his pocket.
20
00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:06,023
- Can't you just ask for an extension?
- No, no, I've had two already.
21
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,858
Oh, God, there he is.
22
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:10,653
- Sam! So good to see you.
- Niles.
23
00:01:10,654 --> 00:01:11,571
Yes.
24
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,406
Sam Tanaka, my brother,
Dr. Frasier Crane.
25
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,700
- It's a pleasure.
- Nice to meet you.
26
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:18,244
- Sam, would you like a coffee?
- Oh, I'll have what he's having.
27
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:19,162
So you shall.
28
00:01:21,665 --> 00:01:23,207
One more, please.
29
00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:26,877
Wait a second. You're the doctor
from the radio, aren't you?
30
00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,254
Guilty as charged.
31
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:31,048
- I listen to your show all the time.
- Oh, thank you.
32
00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:34,302
Funny, I never put it together
that the two of you were brothers.
33
00:01:34,303 --> 00:01:35,304
All our lives.
34
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:42,435
You two must have incredible insight
into sibling relationships.
35
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,604
No more than your average
psychiatrist brothers.
36
00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:49,066
So, Niles, what's your idea?
37
00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,112
My idea. Well, Sam, you know,
38
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,197
I've given it a lot of thought,
and it's not easy--
39
00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:57,366
You know, you'd almost think
there is a book in that.
40
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,035
Ah. In what?
41
00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:03,664
Two psychiatrist brothers
writing about sibling relationships.
42
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:06,125
That, Sam, is why you are
the most respected publisher
43
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,251
in the greater Seattle area.
44
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:09,045
That is the idea
we were going to pitch to you.
45
00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,963
- What?
- Terrific.
46
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,132
- Well, I hate to interrupt--
- Excuse me.
47
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:16,510
Gentlemen, I'm going
to cancel my lunch date
48
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:19,388
so I can take you two out to celebrate.
49
00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:21,975
Oh, well, we were
going to write today, but okay.
50
00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:25,936
What the hell are you doing?
I don't want to write a book.
51
00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:27,271
For God's sakes, I'm out of here.
52
00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:31,901
Frasier, look, I know it's asking
a big favor, and I know you're busy.
53
00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:35,112
I just want you to know that all my life,
I've dreamed of one thing:
54
00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:37,948
the day I could go into a library
and go to the card catalog
55
00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:40,077
and see my name under "mental illness."
56
00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:48,668
The day I could finally feel
what you feel.
57
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:49,919
That I'm somebody,
58
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,171
not just one more
dusty little psychiatrist
59
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,964
in a gray pinstripe suit.
60
00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:55,966
- Oh, Niles, I...
- Oh, come on.
61
00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:57,593
We haven't collaborated
on anything together
62
00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:59,763
since we wrote the spring musicale
in prep school.
63
00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,015
Yes, well, it was well received.
64
00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:05,727
It did get us out of gym class, but...
65
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:10,398
- It could be like that again.
- I don't know, Niles.
66
00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:19,699
♪ For some boys go to college
But we think they're all wussies ♪
67
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,952
♪ 'Cause they get all the knowledge
And we get all the ♪
68
00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,249
- All right, I'll do it.
- Yes!
69
00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:37,342
- Dieu, mon Frère.
- Dieu, mon Frère.
70
00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:40,553
Hey. Hello, Niles.
What are you doing over here?
71
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:43,097
Dad, I told you,
it's our first writing session tonight.
72
00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,224
But I thought you were doing it
over at Niles' house.
73
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,308
We were supposed to.
74
00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:49,019
Unfortunately, it's Maris' turn
to host her sherry-tasting group,
75
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:52,106
and things tend to get
a little raucous when she does.
76
00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:55,192
- But the Sonics are on in 20 minutes.
- Dad, I've solved that problem.
77
00:03:55,193 --> 00:03:56,527
I bought you these headphones.
78
00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:58,904
Now, here,
you'll be able to listen to the TV
79
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:00,865
without disturbing Niles and me
while we work.
80
00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:03,034
What about Eddie? How's he gonna hear?
81
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,582
He can read about the game
in tomorrow's paper.
82
00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,002
Try them out there.
83
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,673
Hey, not bad!
84
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:20,509
Yes, very clever solution.
85
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,887
Yes, it also has another little feature
that I like a lot.
86
00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,638
Watch this.
87
00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:26,892
Hey, Dad, nice shirt.
88
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:31,646
What, did they throw that in
the last time you had your tires rotated?
89
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,860
Hey, Dad, tell us about the time
you met Dwight Eisenhower.
90
00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:39,821
We haven't heard that story this hour.
91
00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:45,117
- Okay, okay, all right, my turn, my turn.
- Okay.
92
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,368
Hey, Dad, remember that--?
93
00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:49,080
Say another word
and I'll club you both with my cane.
94
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,879
- Hey, this is great. Thanks a lot.
- You bet, Dad.
95
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,715
Watch out for this for me, Eddie.
96
00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:01,091
Well, I gotta get myself a little snack.
97
00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:03,303
- Who wants a beer?
- Just you.
98
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:08,224
All right now, Niles,
this is no time to procrastinate.
99
00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:09,726
Okay, here we go.
100
00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:14,730
Chapter one, page one, paragraph one.
101
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,025
I'm indenting.
102
00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:22,988
I hate to squash your enthusiasm,
103
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:26,116
but don't you think
before we start actually typing the book,
104
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:28,537
we should discuss
what the book is going to be about?
105
00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:32,957
Forgive me for just barreling ahead,
but damn it, I'm jazzed.
106
00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:34,417
All right.
107
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:40,256
You know, we have to approach this book
from a completely different angle
108
00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:43,133
than all of our previous writings,
our dissertations, our theses.
109
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:45,345
Oh, that's right.
Yes, this has to be interesting.
110
00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:50,391
Well, the obvious approach
is case histories.
111
00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:53,060
We'll fill the book with anecdotes
about brothers and sisters
112
00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,895
we've dealt with
over the years in our practice.
113
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:57,898
Yes, yes, yes. Then if we throw in
a few references to heaving bosoms,
114
00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,734
we're bound to make
Book-of-the-Month Club.
115
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:04,114
Boy, I could tell you a couple of stories
about you guys you could throw in there.
116
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:08,284
That's an interesting idea.
We could use ourselves.
117
00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:10,202
It would make a delicious introduction
to our book.
118
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:13,747
I like the introduction idea.
Dad, okay, give us your best story.
119
00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:17,293
The one you feel depicts
little Niles and little Frasier
120
00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:18,711
at their conflicted best.
121
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:22,339
Oh, that'd have to be when we went trout
fishing up at that Lake What's-Its-Name.
122
00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:25,509
- Boy, you guys were at it tooth and nail.
- Oh, this is good. This is good.
123
00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:27,261
What was the name
of that lake again?
124
00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:29,138
Dad, the name of the lake is immaterial.
125
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:30,973
- What happened between us?
- It was an Indian word.
126
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,641
Lake Watchahatchee?
127
00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,226
Dad, you're missing the point.
128
00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:37,355
Oh, your mother would know.
It's too bad she's dead. Uh...
129
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,065
Watchakootchie...
130
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,775
- Cochawatchee...
- It really doesn't matter.
131
00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:43,485
- It doesn't matter.
- It was an Indian word.
132
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,779
- It meant "Land of a Thousand--" No.
- Dad.
133
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,448
This is driving me nuts.
134
00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,575
I'm gonna have to go in there
and look it up.
135
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:52,161
- We just want the story.
- It's all right.
136
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,247
Where the hell did I put my atlas?
137
00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:56,625
Quite a resource, isn't he?
138
00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:59,543
All right, we'll just put
the introduction on hold.
139
00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,086
Okay, back to case histories.
140
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:05,884
Well, I suppose I could go and get
my files out of storage after the re--
141
00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:10,096
Niles, is there a lightbulb over my head?
142
00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:12,973
You have an idea?
143
00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:16,519
No, I'm asking you if there's
actually a lightbulb over my head.
144
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:19,188
Of course I have an idea.
145
00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:20,522
It's my radio show.
146
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:23,275
What better source
of case histories can there be?
147
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,069
I'll simply ask my listeners to call in
148
00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:27,529
with their personal stories
of sibling conflict,
149
00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:29,406
and you could be my guest on the show.
150
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:30,658
So, what you're suggesting is
151
00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:33,662
that we exploit your listeners' lives
for our personal gain?
152
00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:35,956
In essence, yes.
153
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,208
What do you think?
154
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,753
I think it's borderline sleazy.
Let's go for it.
155
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:52,388
- Hello, Roz.
- Hey, Frasier.
156
00:07:52,389 --> 00:07:54,056
What's your brother doing here?
157
00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:57,601
- He's gonna be my guest on the show today.
- Oh, no, I don't think so.
158
00:07:57,602 --> 00:08:00,437
I am the producer,
and I approve all the guests.
159
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:03,399
This wasn't run by me,
and I do not approve him.
160
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,819
- Okay, Roz, bye-bye. Have a good show.
- Okay, he's approved.
161
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,028
But I will not get him coffee,
162
00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:11,824
I won't run his personal errands,
and I'm not taking any of his crapola.
163
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,326
Hey, Niles, welcome aboard.
164
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,621
- Five seconds to air.
- Okay, Niles.
165
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,916
Just sit down, take a deep breath,
try not to spit on the mic.
166
00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:21,876
All right.
167
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:25,295
Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
168
00:08:25,296 --> 00:08:28,549
I have a very special guest
with me today, my brother,
169
00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:31,218
the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Niles Crane.
170
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:34,097
Hello, Emerald City.
What's doing? What's happening?
171
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,229
What do you think you're doing?
172
00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:43,981
That was my radio persona.
173
00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:46,400
- Every great radio personality has one.
- I don't.
174
00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:47,902
My point exactly.
175
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,530
Just try to be yourself, will you?
176
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:55,284
Our topic today is siblings.
177
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:57,828
What makes you love them?
What makes you hate them?
178
00:08:57,829 --> 00:08:59,663
- What--?
- What little things do they do
179
00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:00,789
that especially annoy you?
180
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:03,667
These could be things from your childhood,
or they could be things
181
00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:06,045
from your adolescence,
or they could be things
182
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,047
from your young adulthood,
or they could be--
183
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,341
They could be things
that are going on right now.
184
00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,678
Roz, who's our first caller?
185
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,139
We have Donald from Bainbridge Island.
186
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,559
He hasn't spoken to his brother
in over 20 years.
187
00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:23,396
- Hello, Donald. I--
- I'm listening.
188
00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,526
We're listening.
189
00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,988
I'll never forget it, Dr. Crane.
190
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,365
I cried for two hours straight.
191
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,367
So you were completely bald?
192
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:40,454
Yes, the perm destroyed my hair.
193
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:45,125
I was sure my sisters were gonna laugh
at me, but they all kissed me
194
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:48,587
and then they marched into the bathroom
and shaved their heads too,
195
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,757
just so I wouldn't feel like a freak.
196
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,425
- Wow.
- - Amazing.
197
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,260
Well, there you have it, Seattle.
198
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:58,263
The miracle
of the sibling relationship spelled out
199
00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:01,142
in an unselfish act
of head shaving.
200
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,103
Well, that's all the time we have.
201
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,522
I'd like to thank my brother,
Dr. Niles Crane,
202
00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:08,065
for being here today, and...
203
00:10:08,066 --> 00:10:11,319
Niles... I would shave my head for you.
204
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:14,864
A gesture which becomes less significant
with each passing year.
205
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,413
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
206
00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:27,043
I'll be back tomorrow,
one Crane flying solo.
207
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:32,256
Frasier, we have hit the mother lode.
208
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:34,675
We have enough material here
for two volumes.
209
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:37,177
I must apologize
for ever criticizing your radio program.
210
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:39,472
Oh, it's all water under the Pont Neuf.
211
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:44,143
I hate to break up the stroke-a-thon,
but there's a Sam Tanaka on line one.
212
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,103
Oh, oh, oh.
213
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,771
Hello, Sam, you're on speakerphone.
214
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:50,065
I caught the show today, fellas.
215
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,192
You did? And...?
216
00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:53,527
Magic!
217
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,781
- How's the writing coming?
- Oh, incredible.
218
00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,241
It's just flowing like water.
219
00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:01,493
We've got, what,
two or three chapters already.
220
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:06,248
That's good to hear, because I just got
off the phone with Reader's Digest.
221
00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:09,710
They're interested
in the serialization rights.
222
00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:13,088
I need first few chapters
to give them a taste.
223
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:14,798
Can you fax them right over?
224
00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:18,886
Well, Sam, uh, well, you know,
of course we could, but you know,
225
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,388
- they're a little rough, Sam.
- No problem.
226
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,849
You've got till Friday to polish them up.
227
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,226
You can do that, right?
228
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,270
- Absolutely.
- Friday's fine.
229
00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:30,939
Terrific. I love you guys.
230
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:33,317
My God, what are we gonna do?
231
00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:35,319
Well, now, let's remember,
we have all this material.
232
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:36,987
It's just a matter of putting it together.
233
00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:38,071
It's due on Friday.
234
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:40,824
Well, then we'll buckle down and do it
by Friday!
235
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:42,618
Wait, I just remembered something.
236
00:11:42,619 --> 00:11:44,119
A story about George and Ira Gershwin.
237
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,872
When they had to meet a deadline,
they'd lock themselves into a hotel room,
238
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,958
free from distractions, and not come out
until their task was complete.
239
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:50,959
Brilliant.
240
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,920
If we get hot,
we'll not only finish this volume,
241
00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:55,298
we can write another chorus
to "Bess, You Is My Woman Now."
242
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,345
It's clean, it's spartan,
243
00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,805
mass-produced art
totally devoid of charm.
244
00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:05,600
It's perfect. Let's get to work.
245
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,560
I'm with you, mon Frère.
246
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:12,522
We cannot be intimidated
by the tyranny of the blank page.
247
00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:15,526
All we need to get a good start here
248
00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:17,986
is room service.
249
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:18,863
Frasier.
250
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:24,201
Right, right.
All we need is a good opening sentence.
251
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:28,956
Something that will smack the reader
between the eyes and then take him
252
00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:33,418
on a virtual roller coaster ride
of self-awareness and discovery.
253
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,921
While you're over there
mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart,
254
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,131
I've had a breakthrough.
255
00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,178
Voilà, our opening sentence.
256
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,806
"From Romulus and Remus
to the Lennon Sisters,
257
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:49,810
sibling relationships
have sparked psychological debate
258
00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:50,979
throughout the world."
259
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:53,146
Hmm. Interesting.
260
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:55,525
- You like it?
- Well, I said it was interesting.
261
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,193
The task ahead of us now is to decide
262
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,780
whether we'd like an interesting opening
or a good one.
263
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:05,492
Oh. You're just negative
because you didn't think of it first.
264
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,077
No, in truth, I'm not.
265
00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:09,579
I never cared for Romulus,
never cared for Remus, and the reference
266
00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:12,000
to the Lennon Sisters
is from the frigging moon.
267
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:15,252
Well, if you can do better,
please be my guest.
268
00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:16,671
- Well, I will.
- All right.
269
00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:22,844
My fingers are poised over the keys.
270
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,645
I'm waiting.
271
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:42,739
I'm still waiting.
272
00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:45,782
Oh, all right, all right.
273
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,117
Put this down.
274
00:13:47,118 --> 00:13:53,458
"The key to a good sibling relationship
is the ability to be open and honest."
275
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,001
That actually sounded good to me.
276
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,294
Well, put that in there.
277
00:13:57,295 --> 00:14:01,757
"The key to a good sibling relationship
is the ability to be open and honest
278
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:06,429
while still respecting
each other's boundaries."
279
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:08,806
What are you doing?
280
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,684
What was that crap about boundaries?
281
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,353
I was just finishing the thought.
282
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,980
The thought was finished.
It didn't need finishing, for God's sakes.
283
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:20,525
- Now it's a run-on sentence.
- I think it's much better this way.
284
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,235
- I don't.
- I'm at the keyboard.
285
00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:24,529
- All right, then let me type.
- I can only write at a keyboard.
286
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,823
You haven't written a thing
except to ruin a good sentence.
287
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,950
I was merely finishing it.
It was an incomplete thought.
288
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,703
Oh, you're an incomplete thought!
289
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:34,916
- What happened to the iced tea?
- I finished that too.
290
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:54,018
Niles, I've just had an epiphany.
291
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,438
Oh, wonderful.
We could use a second sentence.
292
00:14:59,482 --> 00:15:01,776
No, it's not for the book.
293
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:08,282
I just realized why so many writers
become bloated, alcoholic suicides.
294
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,952
No, don't type that in.
295
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:15,164
I'm not. I'm adding up our tab
from the mini-bar.
296
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:21,336
We now owe $232.
297
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:22,462
Oh, dear God.
298
00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:25,799
Well, you're the fool who ate
the damned jar of macadamia nuts.
299
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,802
No, no, it's dawn.
300
00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,304
It's Friday.
301
00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:32,806
Oh, Niles, why don't we just admit it?
302
00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:35,183
We can't work together.
There's never gonna be any book.
303
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,727
- Oh, not with that attitude, there isn't.
- Oh, will you get off it?
304
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:39,813
Come on, the fat lady has sung.
305
00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:41,273
The curtain has been rung down.
306
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,651
Here, I'll type it
for you in capital letters.
307
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:47,196
It's "oover"?
308
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:51,367
Let's just go home.
309
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:55,537
Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised
you'd give up so easily.
310
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,080
It's not your dream, after all.
311
00:15:57,081 --> 00:16:00,293
Why should it be, Mr. Big-Shot-Radio-Host?
312
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:05,380
Oh, is that what
this little tantrum is all about?
313
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,549
You're jealous of my celebrity?
314
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:09,676
It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous.
315
00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:10,887
I'm just fed up!
316
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:17,143
I'm fed up with being second all the time.
317
00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:20,520
You know, I wanted to be a psychiatrist
like Mom way before you did.
318
00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:22,772
But because you were older,
you got there first.
319
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,191
You were first to get married.
320
00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:26,651
You were first to give Dad
the grandchild he always wanted.
321
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,445
By the time I get around
to doing anything,
322
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:30,322
it's all chewed meat.
323
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,033
Listen, you're crying about something
that we can't change.
324
00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:34,868
You wouldn't change it if you could.
You love it.
325
00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:37,078
- Oh, let it go, Niles.
- I can't let it go.
326
00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:38,788
My nose is rubbed in it every day.
327
00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:41,166
I'm the one on the board
of the Psychiatric Association.
328
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,752
My research is well respected
in academic circles.
329
00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:46,087
Four of my patients
have been elected to political office.
330
00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,925
But it's your big fat face
they put on the side of buses!
331
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,219
I do not have a fat face!
332
00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:56,140
Oh, please, I keep wondering how long
you're gonna store those nuts for winter.
333
00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:01,686
Well, at least I'm not spindly.
334
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:04,814
- Who are you calling spindly, fat-face?
- You, spindly.
335
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:05,815
- Fat-face!
- Spindly!
336
00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:06,816
- Fat-face!
- Spindly!
337
00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:08,151
- Fat-face!
- You take that back!
338
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,569
- You make me!
- I will make you.
339
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:11,863
- I don't see you making me.
- Yeah? Well, here's making you.
340
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:12,698
Ow!
341
00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:21,123
Here's your fat face. Give me that.
342
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:24,502
Oh. Ha!
343
00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:27,337
- Niles! Niles!
- What?
344
00:17:27,338 --> 00:17:30,591
Stop it!
We're psychiatrists, not pugilists.
345
00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:34,887
- I can't believe you fell for that.
- Oh!
346
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:45,814
Oh! My God, my God,
I'm having a flashback!
347
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,608
You're climbing in my crib
and jumping on me!
348
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:51,320
- You stole my mommy!
- What?
349
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:54,824
Oh, my God.
350
00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:57,909
Oh, my God, Niles,
I gotta get out of here.
351
00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:01,079
This entire idea
has been a fiasco from the start.
352
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,040
It's the stupidest idea we ever had.
I should have never agreed with it.
353
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:04,959
Goodbye!
354
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:12,299
- Good morning, all.
- Morning.
355
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:14,050
You seem chipper this morning,
Dr. Crane.
356
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,594
And why shouldn't I be?
357
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,721
Well, it's gonna rain again,
the jobless rate's up,
358
00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:20,558
and about two minutes ago,
Eddie was licking that muffin.
359
00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:27,647
Oh, I'll get it.
360
00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:29,316
Dad, the mark of a mature man
361
00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:32,235
is one that realizes
he cannot control his circumstances.
362
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,238
He can only control his response.
363
00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:36,406
You talking to your brother yet?
364
00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:38,701
I do not have a brother.
I am an only child.
365
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,703
Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
366
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,372
Hello, Daphne. Dad.
367
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,293
What are you doing here?
368
00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:52,673
Dad, I would like you
to convey a message from me to Frasier.
369
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:56,135
What makes you think I know where he is?
370
00:19:02,266 --> 00:19:04,768
Tell him he owes me
half of this hotel bill.
371
00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,811
I will accept cash but no personal checks.
372
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:08,898
I know he has trouble writing things.
373
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,693
I'm not paying any of this.
374
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:16,696
Ah, so you're cheap
as well as intellectually barren.
375
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,784
- And you're a no-talent hack!
- And you look stupid in a T-shirt!
376
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:24,954
All right, that's enough.
Sit down and listen to me.
377
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:25,915
Sit down.
378
00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:29,627
Sit down.
379
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:37,218
I never had a brother, but I had a partner
once, my first, Mitch Gossett.
380
00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:40,304
Big bear of a guy,
arms like tree trunks.
381
00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:43,139
Mitch and I'd go to ball games together,
382
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:45,934
we played cards, and this was
after working eight hours together.
383
00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:48,604
- Dad, that's all very nice, but I--
- Just listen to me.
384
00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:55,277
About three months into our partnership,
Goss and I got assigned to a stakeout.
385
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,739
Three days in the front seat
of a Chevy Nova together,
386
00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:00,865
sleeping sitting up,
387
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:02,451
drinking too much coffee.
388
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:06,830
Didn't take long before
we started getting on each other's nerves.
389
00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:09,041
Because he was
a big egotistical fat-face?
390
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:13,879
Because we were human.
391
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,674
He didn't like this about me,
I didn't like that about him.
392
00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:18,925
It got ugly.
393
00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:22,554
When the stakeout was over,
Goss requested a transfer.
394
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:23,889
And that was fine by me.
395
00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:29,395
Three months later,
he was stabbed breaking up a bar fight.
396
00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:33,190
By the time I got to the hospital,
it was too late.
397
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:37,445
Take what you want from this story, boys.
398
00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:42,408
All I know is... it ain't worth it.
399
00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:45,286
Excuse me, I think I need a hanky.
400
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:50,207
Frasier, isn't there something
you want to say to your brother?
401
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,419
Yes, Dad, I suppose there is.
402
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,007
Niles, would you like a muffin?
403
00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:06,139
Frasier.
404
00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:07,224
Oh, all right.
405
00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:12,980
Niles...
406
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,443
I'm sorry things didn't work out
with the book.
407
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,030
You have no reason to feel inferior to me.
408
00:21:22,072 --> 00:21:23,865
You're an accomplished psychiatrist,
409
00:21:23,866 --> 00:21:27,620
a decent man,
and you stand second to no one.
410
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:30,915
Thank you, Frasier.
411
00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:37,921
The truth is, I've always looked up
to you and admired you.
412
00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:40,340
All right,
enough of this mushy girlie stuff.
413
00:21:40,341 --> 00:21:44,011
Just shake hands, punch each other
on the shoulder, and be done with it.
414
00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,265
Oh, what the heck.
415
00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:50,643
Oh, jeez.
416
00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:58,858
- What are you crying about?
- Oh...
417
00:21:58,859 --> 00:22:01,402
I just keep thinking about poor Goss.
418
00:22:01,403 --> 00:22:04,864
It must be so hard on you,
carrying all that pain around.
419
00:22:04,865 --> 00:22:07,159
There was no Goss. I just made him up.
420
00:22:08,494 --> 00:22:11,539
Well, at least there's one good writer
in this family.
421
00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:22,925
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
422
00:22:24,051 --> 00:22:25,134
Mercy.
423
00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:30,181
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused
Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
424
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:32,267
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
425
00:22:32,268 --> 00:22:33,935
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
426
00:22:33,936 --> 00:22:37,565
♪ With those tossed salads
And scrambled eggs ♪
427
00:22:38,232 --> 00:22:40,775
♪ They're callin' again ♪
428
00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:41,777
Good night, everybody!