- Here you go, doc, your usual. - My usual.
How lovely it is to have a usual.
What is this?
Latte with nutmeg and cinnamon.
No, no, that's my brother's usual. I am the double Kona with cream.
Oh, Frasier, am I glad to see you.
- Your usual, doc? - Please.
Thank you.
Niles, you seem more than usually agitated today.
Problem?
I'm meeting my publisher here in 15 minutes.
Remember the book deal I signed last month?
- The one you were so jealous of? - I wasn't jealous, Niles.
You just wanted me to be jealous.
Well, it's all moot anyway. The deal's about to be killed.
Turned out the idea I sold them had already been done,
and they gave me till today to come up with an alternative, and I've got bubkes.
I've got less than bubkes.
I've got what bubkes keeps for lint in the bottom of his pocket.
- Can't you just ask for an extension? - No, no, I've had two already.
Oh, God, there he is.
- Sam! So good to see you. - Niles.
Yes.
Sam Tanaka, my brother, Dr. Frasier Crane.
- It's a pleasure. - Nice to meet you.
- Sam, would you like a coffee? - Oh, I'll have what he's having.
So you shall.
One more, please.
Wait a second. You're the doctor from the radio, aren't you?
Guilty as charged.
- I listen to your show all the time. - Oh, thank you.
Funny, I never put it together that the two of you were brothers.
All our lives.
You two must have incredible insight into sibling relationships.
No more than your average psychiatrist brothers.
So, Niles, what's your idea?
My idea. Well, Sam, you know,
I've given it a lot of thought, and it's not easy--
You know, you'd almost think there is a book in that.
Ah. In what?
Two psychiatrist brothers writing about sibling relationships.
That, Sam, is why you are the most respected publisher
in the greater Seattle area.
That is the idea we were going to pitch to you.
- What? - Terrific.
- Well, I hate to interrupt-- - Excuse me.
Gentlemen, I'm going to cancel my lunch date
so I can take you two out to celebrate.
Oh, well, we were going to write today, but okay.
What the hell are you doing? I don't want to write a book.
For God's sakes, I'm out of here.
Frasier, look, I know it's asking a big favor, and I know you're busy.
I just want you to know that all my life, I've dreamed of one thing:
the day I could go into a library and go to the card catalog
and see my name under "mental illness."
The day I could finally feel what you feel.
That I'm somebody,
not just one more dusty little psychiatrist
in a gray pinstripe suit.
- Oh, Niles, I... - Oh, come on.
We haven't collaborated on anything together
since we wrote the spring musicale in prep school.
Yes, well, it was well received.
It did get us out of gym class, but...
- It could be like that again. - I don't know, Niles.
♪ For some boys go to college But we think they're all wussies ♪
♪ 'Cause they get all the knowledge And we get all the ♪
- All right, I'll do it. - Yes!
- Dieu, mon Frère. - Dieu, mon Frère.
Hey. Hello, Niles. What are you doing over here?
Dad, I told you, it's our first writing session tonight.
But I thought you were doing it over at Niles' house.
We were supposed to.
Unfortunately, it's Maris' turn to host her sherry-tasting group,
and things tend to get a little raucous when she does.
- But the Sonics are on in 20 minutes. - Dad, I've solved that problem.
I bought you these headphones.
Now, here, you'll be able to listen to the TV
without disturbing Niles and me while we work.
What about Eddie? How's he gonna hear?
He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper.
Try them out there.
Hey, not bad!
Yes, very clever solution.
Yes, it also has another little feature that I like a lot.
Watch this.
Hey, Dad, nice shirt.
What, did they throw that in the last time you had your tires rotated?
Hey, Dad, tell us about the time you met Dwight Eisenhower.
We haven't heard that story this hour.
- Okay, okay, all right, my turn, my turn. - Okay.
Hey, Dad, remember that--?
Say another word and I'll club you both with my cane.
- Hey, this is great. Thanks a lot. - You bet, Dad.
Watch out for this for me, Eddie.
Well, I gotta get myself a little snack.
- Who wants a beer? - Just you.
All right now, Niles, this is no time to procrastinate.
Okay, here we go.
Chapter one, page one, paragraph one.
I'm indenting.
I hate to squash your enthusiasm,
but don't you think before we start actually typing the book,
we should discuss what the book is going to be about?
Forgive me for just barreling ahead, but damn it, I'm jazzed.
All right.
You know, we have to approach this book from a completely different angle
than all of our previous writings, our dissertations, our theses.
Oh, that's right. Yes, this has to be interesting.
Well, the obvious approach is case histories.
We'll fill the book with anecdotes about brothers and sisters
we've dealt with over the years in our practice.
Yes, yes, yes. Then if we throw in a few references to heaving bosoms,
we're bound to make Book-of-the-Month Club.
Boy, I could tell you a couple of stories about you guys you could throw in there.
That's an interesting idea. We could use ourselves.
It would make a delicious introduction to our book.
I like the introduction idea. Dad, okay, give us your best story.
The one you feel depicts little Niles and little Frasier
at their conflicted best.
Oh, that'd have to be when we went trout fishing up at that Lake What's-Its-Name.
- Boy, you guys were at it tooth and nail. - Oh, this is good. This is good.
What was the name of that lake again?
Dad, the name of the lake is immaterial.
- What happened between us? - It was an Indian word.
Lake Watchahatchee?
Dad, you're missing the point.
Oh, your mother would know. It's too bad she's dead. Uh...
Watchakootchie...
- Cochawatchee... - It really doesn't matter.
- It doesn't matter. - It was an Indian word.
- It meant "Land of a Thousand--" No. - Dad.
This is driving me nuts.
I'm gonna have to go in there and look it up.
- We just want the story. - It's all right.
Where the hell did I put my atlas?
Quite a resource, isn't he?
All right, we'll just put the introduction on hold.
Okay, back to case histories.
Well, I suppose I could go and get my files out of storage after the re--
Niles, is there a lightbulb over my head?
You have an idea?
No, I'm asking you if there's actually a lightbulb over my head.
Of course I have an idea.
It's my radio show.
What better source of case histories can there be?
I'll simply ask my listeners to call in
with their personal stories of sibling conflict,
and you could be my guest on the show.
So, what you're suggesting is
that we exploit your listeners' lives for our personal gain?
In essence, yes.
What do you think?
I think it's borderline sleazy. Let's go for it.
- Hello, Roz. - Hey, Frasier.
What's your brother doing here?
- He's gonna be my guest on the show today. - Oh, no, I don't think so.
I am the producer, and I approve all the guests.
This wasn't run by me, and I do not approve him.
- Okay, Roz, bye-bye. Have a good show. - Okay, he's approved.
But I will not get him coffee,
I won't run his personal errands, and I'm not taking any of his crapola.
Hey, Niles, welcome aboard.
- Five seconds to air. - Okay, Niles.
Just sit down, take a deep breath, try not to spit on the mic.
All right.
Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
I have a very special guest with me today, my brother,
the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Niles Crane.
Hello, Emerald City. What's doing? What's happening?
What do you think you're doing?
That was my radio persona.
- Every great radio personality has one. - I don't.
My point exactly.
Just try to be yourself, will you?
Our topic today is siblings.
What makes you love them? What makes you hate them?
- What--? - What little things do they do
that especially annoy you?
These could be things from your childhood, or they could be things
from your adolescence, or they could be things
from your young adulthood, or they could be--
They could be things that are going on right now.
Roz, who's our first caller?
We have Donald from Bainbridge Island.
He hasn't spoken to his brother in over 20 years.
- Hello, Donald. I-- - I'm listening.
We're listening.
I'll never forget it, Dr. Crane.
I cried for two hours straight.
So you were completely bald?
Yes, the perm destroyed my hair.
I was sure my sisters were gonna laugh at me, but they all kissed me
and then they marched into the bathroom and shaved their heads too,
just so I wouldn't feel like a freak.
- Wow. - - Amazing.
Well, there you have it, Seattle.
The miracle of the sibling relationship spelled out
in an unselfish act of head shaving.
Well, that's all the time we have.
I'd like to thank my brother, Dr. Niles Crane,
for being here today, and...
Niles... I would shave my head for you.
A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
I'll be back tomorrow, one Crane flying solo.
Frasier, we have hit the mother lode.
We have enough material here for two volumes.
I must apologize for ever criticizing your radio program.
Oh, it's all water under the Pont Neuf.
I hate to break up the stroke-a-thon, but there's a Sam Tanaka on line one.
Oh, oh, oh.
Hello, Sam, you're on speakerphone.
I caught the show today, fellas.
You did? And...?
Magic!
- How's the writing coming? - Oh, incredible.
It's just flowing like water.
We've got, what, two or three chapters already.
That's good to hear, because I just got off the phone with Reader's Digest.
They're interested in the serialization rights.
I need first few chapters to give them a taste.
Can you fax them right over?
Well, Sam, uh, well, you know, of course we could, but you know,
- they're a little rough, Sam. - No problem.
You've got till Friday to polish them up.
You can do that, right?
- Absolutely. - Friday's fine.
Terrific. I love you guys.
My God, what are we gonna do?
Well, now, let's remember, we have all this material.
It's just a matter of putting it together.
It's due on Friday.
Well, then we'll buckle down and do it by Friday!
Wait, I just remembered something.
A story about George and Ira Gershwin.
When they had to meet a deadline, they'd lock themselves into a hotel room,
free from distractions, and not come out until their task was complete.
Brilliant.
If we get hot, we'll not only finish this volume,
we can write another chorus to "Bess, You Is My Woman Now."
It's clean, it's spartan,
mass-produced art totally devoid of charm.
It's perfect. Let's get to work.
I'm with you, mon Frère.
We cannot be intimidated by the tyranny of the blank page.
All we need to get a good start here
is room service.
Frasier.
Right, right. All we need is a good opening sentence.
Something that will smack the reader between the eyes and then take him
on a virtual roller coaster ride of self-awareness and discovery.
While you're over there mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart,
I've had a breakthrough.
Voilà, our opening sentence.
"From Romulus and Remus to the Lennon Sisters,
sibling relationships have sparked psychological debate
throughout the world."
Hmm. Interesting.
- You like it? - Well, I said it was interesting.
The task ahead of us now is to decide
whether we'd like an interesting opening or a good one.
Oh. You're just negative because you didn't think of it first.
No, in truth, I'm not.
I never cared for Romulus, never cared for Remus, and the reference
to the Lennon Sisters is from the frigging moon.
Well, if you can do better, please be my guest.
- Well, I will. - All right.
My fingers are poised over the keys.
I'm waiting.
I'm still waiting.
Oh, all right, all right.
Put this down.
"The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability to be open and honest."
That actually sounded good to me.
Well, put that in there.
"The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability to be open and honest
while still respecting each other's boundaries."
What are you doing?
What was that crap about boundaries?
I was just finishing the thought.
The thought was finished. It didn't need finishing, for God's sakes.
- Now it's a run-on sentence. - I think it's much better this way.
- I don't. - I'm at the keyboard.
- All right, then let me type. - I can only write at a keyboard.
You haven't written a thing except to ruin a good sentence.
I was merely finishing it. It was an incomplete thought.
Oh, you're an incomplete thought!
- What happened to the iced tea? - I finished that too.
Niles, I've just had an epiphany.
Oh, wonderful. We could use a second sentence.
No, it's not for the book.
I just realized why so many writers become bloated, alcoholic suicides.
No, don't type that in.
I'm not. I'm adding up our tab from the mini-bar.
We now owe $232.
Oh, dear God.
Well, you're the fool who ate the damned jar of macadamia nuts.
No, no, it's dawn.
It's Friday.
Oh, Niles, why don't we just admit it?
We can't work together. There's never gonna be any book.
- Oh, not with that attitude, there isn't. - Oh, will you get off it?
Come on, the fat lady has sung.
The curtain has been rung down.
Here, I'll type it for you in capital letters.
It's "oover"?
Let's just go home.
Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised you'd give up so easily.
It's not your dream, after all.
Why should it be, Mr. Big-Shot-Radio-Host?
Oh, is that what this little tantrum is all about?
You're jealous of my celebrity?
It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous.
I'm just fed up!
I'm fed up with being second all the time.
You know, I wanted to be a psychiatrist like Mom way before you did.
But because you were older, you got there first.
You were first to get married.
You were first to give Dad the grandchild he always wanted.
By the time I get around to doing anything,
it's all chewed meat.
Listen, you're crying about something that we can't change.
You wouldn't change it if you could. You love it.
- Oh, let it go, Niles. - I can't let it go.
My nose is rubbed in it every day.
I'm the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association.
My research is well respected in academic circles.
Four of my patients have been elected to political office.
But it's your big fat face they put on the side of buses!
I do not have a fat face!
Oh, please, I keep wondering how long you're gonna store those nuts for winter.
Well, at least I'm not spindly.
- Who are you calling spindly, fat-face? - You, spindly.
- Fat-face! - Spindly!
- Fat-face! - You take that back!
- You make me! - I will make you.
- I don't see you making me. - Yeah? Well, here's making you.
Ow!
Here's your fat face. Give me that.
Oh. Ha!
- Niles! Niles! - What?
Stop it! We're psychiatrists, not pugilists.
- I can't believe you fell for that. - Oh!
Oh! My God, my God, I'm having a flashback!
You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!
- You stole my mommy! - What?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Niles, I gotta get out of here.
This entire idea has been a fiasco from the start.
It's the stupidest idea we ever had. I should have never agreed with it.
Goodbye!
- Good morning, all. - Morning.
You seem chipper this morning, Dr. Crane.
And why shouldn't I be?
Well, it's gonna rain again, the jobless rate's up,
and about two minutes ago, Eddie was licking that muffin.
Oh, I'll get it.
Dad, the mark of a mature man
is one that realizes he cannot control his circumstances.
He can only control his response.
You talking to your brother yet?
I do not have a brother. I am an only child.
Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Hello, Daphne. Dad.
What are you doing here?
Dad, I would like you to convey a message from me to Frasier.
What makes you think I know where he is?
Tell him he owes me half of this hotel bill.
I will accept cash but no personal checks.
I know he has trouble writing things.
I'm not paying any of this.
Ah, so you're cheap as well as intellectually barren.
- And you're a no-talent hack! - And you look stupid in a T-shirt!
All right, that's enough. Sit down and listen to me.
Sit down.
I never had a brother, but I had a partner once, my first, Mitch Gossett.
Big bear of a guy, arms like tree trunks.
Mitch and I'd go to ball games together,
we played cards, and this was after working eight hours together.
- Dad, that's all very nice, but I-- - Just listen to me.
About three months into our partnership, Goss and I got assigned to a stakeout.
Three days in the front seat of a Chevy Nova together,
sleeping sitting up,
drinking too much coffee.
Didn't take long before we started getting on each other's nerves.
Because he was a big egotistical fat-face?
Because we were human.
He didn't like this about me, I didn't like that about him.
It got ugly.
When the stakeout was over, Goss requested a transfer.
And that was fine by me.
Three months later, he was stabbed breaking up a bar fight.
By the time I got to the hospital, it was too late.
Take what you want from this story, boys.
All I know is... it ain't worth it.
Excuse me, I think I need a hanky.
Frasier, isn't there something you want to say to your brother?
Yes, Dad, I suppose there is.
Niles, would you like a muffin?
Frasier.
Oh, all right.
Niles...
I'm sorry things didn't work out with the book.
You have no reason to feel inferior to me.
You're an accomplished psychiatrist,
a decent man, and you stand second to no one.
Thank you, Frasier.
The truth is, I've always looked up to you and admired you.
All right, enough of this mushy girlie stuff.
Just shake hands, punch each other on the shoulder, and be done with it.
Oh, what the heck.
Oh, jeez.
- What are you crying about? - Oh...
I just keep thinking about poor Goss.
It must be so hard on you, carrying all that pain around.
There was no Goss. I just made him up.
Well, at least there's one good writer in this family.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads And scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night, everybody!