[theme music playing]
Hello, Rachel. I'm listening.
[Rachel] Oh, thanks for taking my call, Dr. Crane.
Um, I'm involved in sort of a strange love triangle.
Oh, goody, this is Sweeps Week.
You see, I recently married a widower.
Now, Phil is a real good man, he's a kind man...
but there's just one little problem.
He insists on keeping an urn with his late wife's ashes
on the dresser in our bedroom.
That is a definite "yikes!"
See, I knew that wasn't normal.
- He says it is, but I knew it wasn't. - All right, Rachel,
now listen, before you go off half-cocked,
let's try to remember that this is a very sensitive issue for your husband.
Those ashes obviously mean a great deal to him,
and although I don't believe it's appropriate
that he keep them in the bedroom,
I suppose you could maybe move them to another room.
Well, I guess I could try that.
- Maybe I'll move them into the guest room. - Ah.
- [urn shatters over phone] - Oops.
Rachel, what happened?
Oh, oh, nothing.
I'd better run, Dr. Crane.
I've got some vacuuming to do.
[dial tone hums]
Well, as Rachel helps Phil's first wife off the floor,
we have reached the end of our second hour.
We'll be right back after the news, so please join me again,
Frasier Crane, and my invaluable producer...
uh...
- Roz. - Roz!
On KACL, talk radio, 780 AM.
Roz, I'm so sorry.
Your name was right there in front of me. I just couldn't put my finger on it.
Forget about it. I already have.
It's been happening to me a lot lately.
Last night I walked into the kitchen, and I just stood there.
I couldn't remember what I'd gone in for.
Don't make yourself crazy over it. It's completely normal.
- Okay. - Oh, by the way, your hairstylist called
to confirm your appointment.
I made an appointment with Temo? I don't remember that.
Because you didn't. I was just gaslighting you.
That is not funny.
Oh, lighten up.
Here, sign these.
Are you gonna say it, or make me wait till the end of the day?
Say what?
Happy birthday.
It is not your birthday.
Oh, God. Oh, God, it is. Oh, oh, Roz, I'm so sorry.
Let me take you to lunch or something after work.
You're so easy!
Oh. Oh. That's it.
I'm out of here.
[Roz] Hey, wait, aren't you forgetting something?
No, I am not forgetting anything. Thank you, Roz.
Okay. Well, can't blame a girl for trying.
Five, four, three, two, one.
We're back.
[Eddie whining]
Ten.
- Fifteen, two. - [Eddie barks]
[Niles] No. Eddie, no.
[Eddie whining]
Dad, would you ask your dog to stop burrowing at my shoes?
I had to wait six months
to have these shipped from a little blind cobbler in Seville.
He won't stop till you scratch him behind the ear.
All right, Eddie, all right.
You know, I'm beginning to think I have an affinity for animals.
Would either of you mind if I noodle at the piano a bit?
Would it really stop you if we said yes?
Point well taken.
[playing classical motif]
That's strange.
For the life of me, I can't remember what the next note is.
[playing discordant notes]
I know this piece backwards and forwards.
Perhaps if you start at the end, you'll have better luck.
[plays hesitantly]
Come on, Fras, you know how it goes. It goes:
[scatting tunelessly]
Oh, thank you, Dad. Now it's perfectly clear.
[banging discordant notes]
[cover thumps]
That was very nice, son.
How about something from South Pacific?
I'm sorry.
I'm just getting fed up with this nonsense.
I'm forgetting names all the time. You know, last week,
twice I forgot where I parked my car.
Join the club, pal.
You're getting older.
Well, of course I'm getting older. We're all getting older.
But I'm not that old.
Oh, I'm afraid Dad may have a point.
I know you'd like to believe we're still the same devilish sprigs we always were...
sitting on Mother's davenport in our tweeds and tams,
listening to the Texaco Symphonic Hour.
But the cold, hard reality is, you're middle-aged.
Niles, I'm 41.
That's hardly middle-aged. Middle age is more like 50, 55.
Only if you live to be 110.
- I'm all ready to go, Dr. Crane. - Niles, where are you two off to?
[Niles] I'm giving Daphne a lift.
I'm meeting some of my girlfriends for darts and a couple of pints.
It's best to do it in that order.
Just ask Blind Willy, the bartender.
Listen, Daphne, before you go, I'd like to ask you a little question.
When you look at me, um...
do you see me as a young man or as an older man?
Oh, no. No, you don't.
You're not getting me into that Vietnam.
I learned a long time ago
there are three questions you never answer honestly: "How old do I look?"
"Do you like my hair?" And "Was it good for you too?"
Coming, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Crane?
I'm sorry, I was someplace else.
It was a warm and friendly place.
Big surprise, I got a headache.
I need to get an aspirin.
The very suggestion that I'm descending into old age
just because I can't remember a couple of names or a tune on the piano.
Your arm's not quite long enough for that, is it?
Let me ask you a few questions.
Can you still get through the night
without having to get up to go to the john?
Can you get in and out of a chair without going "Unhh"?
Can you eat a slice of pizza less than 12 hours before you go to bed?
What's on the pizza?
Ah.
I thought so.
All right, now that we've established you're middle-aged, take some advice:
Don't fight it. It'll go a lot easier.
Dad, what are you suggesting? I'm gonna rush off to a plastic surgeon
to get an eye lift and a chin tuck?
Oh, dear God.
I'm just telling you, when guys get to this stage,
they do some squirrelly things
they never would've done when they were younger.
Dad, please spare me. I am a psychiatrist. I know the routine.
Good Lord, who is that?
That's me, in '74, going through my own little stage.
I dyed my hair jet black and bought a leather jacket and a Harley-Davidson.
My God, Dad, you look like one of the Village People.
Well, fortunately, I came to my senses
before you got back from Harvard that summer.
- Are those love beads? - All right.
That's enough.
Just do me a favor, will you?
Keep your guard up and don't do something stupid, all right?
Okay, Dad.
You might think it's tough being middle-aged, but think about me.
I got a son who's middle-aged.
[grunts]
[Martin] I heard that.
[quiet chatter]
Say, didn't this used to be Pinski's Department Store?
I have no idea.
Sure, it was. We used to bring you kids here all the time.
Man, it was a great store.
You could buy lingerie, a bag of popcorn
and transmission fluid all under the same roof.
Finally, something I'm glad I forgot.
Well, Mr. Crane, I believe I came here on a mission.
All right, but remember, I don't want anything fancy or that comes in tubes.
I want them white, I want them plain, and I want them boxers.
That's exactly the kind of lack of imagination that sunk the British Empire.
Hey, Frasier, check out these dress pants.
They've got elastic panels in the waist.
You can eat all you want and never worry about cutting off your circulation.
Milan must be beside itself.
What an innovative use of synthetic fibers.
I believe if you recycle these, they can turn them into milk containers.
Are you gonna get them or not?
You brought these over for me?
Hey, the sands of time are shifting, buddy, mostly south.
Now, if you don't want to go with elastic, maybe you can go with suspenders.
That way if you keep your jacket closed,
that little gut of yours can hang down to here and nobody's the wiser.
I do not have a gut.
I have... contours.
Excuse me.
I was wondering if anyone was helping you.
[Martin] Oh, no! She's looking at something with stripes!
Daphne! Daphne!
Get away from there! Come on.
Let's go.
You're not thinking of getting those, are you?
- Oh. Oh, no. - [saleswoman] I have something better.
What do you think of these? They don't do much on the hanger,
but they could really work on a nice tall guy like you.
Oh, you really think so?
Yeah. You've got a great build.
Oh. Oh, thank you very much, uh...
- Carrie. - Ah. Carrie.
[Carrie] Let's see what we can get working here. Um...
This is kind of a young look, but you could really pull it off.
I don't really think it's me.
Are you sure? I think this would look really good on you.
Well, I suppose I could try it on.
But, you know, just out of curiosity, how old do you think I am?
Oh, I don't want to do that.
- No, no, no, please, go ahead. - I don't know, um...
36?
Are you serious?
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
You're probably more like 34.
Now you don't want to buy anything from me.
Are those, uh, Armani shirts expensive?
- Yeah. - I'll take two.
- Great. Changing rooms are right this way. - Ah.
You know, I love to guess what my customers do by what they wear.
Let me guess, you're an architect, right?
No, I'm a psychiatrist.
Oh. I've taken some psychology courses.
What are you, Freudian? Reichian?
Well, actually, lately I've been leaning more towards Jung.
I guess that's because I'm just "Jung" at heart.
That's gotta be the oldest joke in the psychiatrist's joke book.
Can't even believe I said it.
I can't believe I laughed at that.
I'll bet you laugh at all your customers' jokes.
No, just the cute ones.
Cute jokes or customers?
You figure it out.
[Martin] Hey, you about ready?
Oh, just a second, Dad. I'm trying on a pair of pants.
Hey, did you notice that girl that came over and asked to help us earlier?
Sure, I noticed her. I'm not dead.
Well, you know, we just had a little conversation a minute ago,
and I could swear she was flirting with me.
Trust me, son, she's on commission.
Oh, no. I know a sales pitch when I hear one,
and that was no sales pitch.
She is definitely interested in me.
I'll just have to see where this may lead.
I know you're forgetting things lately,
but don't you remember the little talk we had last night?
Oh, dear. It sneaks right up on you, doesn't it?
What am I thinking about?
A 41 -year-old man going out with a girl that's 22, 23.
Yeah. Young enough to be your daughter.
Yes, thank you for pointing that out, Dad.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL,
780 talk radio, thanking you for joining us today.
Up next, Bob "Bulldog" Brisco and The Gonzo Sports Show.
Until tomorrow, here's wishing you good mental health.
Hey, doc. Hear the great news?
Ken Griffey Jr.'s groin pull is completely healed.
Thank goodness.
I'm sure years from now, we'll all remember where we were
the moment we heard the joyful news.
Excuse me, Dr. Crane?
- Hi, Carrie. - [Carrie] Hi.
I have your pants.
Wow. Doc. [honks horn]
- Where'd you leave them? - They're new, Bulldog.
Some of the finer department stores deliver garments
to their busier customers.
Actually, we don't. I just thought it would be nice to see you again.
Excuse me, uh, you look very familiar.
Didn't I let you pour a flaming tequila shooter down my throat at Sloppy Nick's
during last year's Indy 500?
- Uh, no. - Ah.
Well, what are you doing next Memorial Day?
Bulldog, as certain as I am that any young lady in the world
would love to set your face on fire,
- Carrie, I believe, is here to see me. - Okay.
Hey, you can't blame a dog for trying.
Just on the odd chance it might make a difference, I drive a '94 Camaro.
Is he gay?
Well, I've been studying about this in school,
and it seems like he's overcompensating.
[Frasier] Yes, well,
I'm not sure, but I certainly look forward to running that theory by him.
Well, thank you for the pants, Carrie, and, uh... do I owe you anything?
Oh, no.
I really enjoyed meeting you yesterday,
and it seemed like we had a few laughs together,
and maybe we could, you know, go out and have a cup of coffee sometime.
Listen, Carrie, I, uh-- I'm very flattered that you'd like to go out with me,
because I think you're a beautiful young woman.
But...?
Well, it's our ages.
How old are you?
Twenty-two.
How old are you?
That's not polite.
I just don't think it would be appropriate for us to date.
How about we just live together?
I'm just trying to lighten an uncomfortable moment.
Right. Ha, ha. Well done.
Well, I'm sorry.
But if you change your mind, you know where I am.
Enjoy your pants.
Same to you.
I only got a second here, but... hello?!
Anyone there?
She wanted to go out with you.
You didn't have to chase her.
You didn't have to harass her.
You didn't have to pay her.
It was like a miracle.
- Oh... She's too young. - Are you following any of this?
Look, I don't expect you to understand.
I don't. So you're not going out with her?
- No, I'm not. - Good.
I'm gonna see if I can catch up with her at the elevator.
Maybe she's never dated a former professional hockey player.
You've never played hockey.
It's like we're from different planets.
Talk about pathetic.
Yeah, isn't he, though?
I meant you.
Me? Are you saying I should go out with her?
Frasier, take it from me. It's hard enough to find somebody.
So when an opportunity like this comes along, you've gotta grab it.
Yeah, Roz, but what about the age thing?
- Well, what about it? - Oh, come on.
You see an old man walking down the street arm-in-arm
with a beautiful young girl, what do you think?
I think he must be really rich.
- Then I try to make eye contact. - Ah.
[quiet chatter]
[Niles] There you are, Frasier.
- Oh, Niles. - I'm so glad you called me.
Well, thanks for coming, Niles.
Some of Maris' friends introduced me to the most delightful party game last night.
I can't wait to share it with you.
- Niles, I'd really like to talk-- - No, no. Shh. This first. It's a hoot.
If you were stranded on a desert island with one meal,
one aria and one bottle of wine, what would they be?
- Niles, I really don't think-- - Frasier.
Okay.
A Big Mac, "I'm Your Venus" and Ripple.
If you're going to mock the game, then don't play.
Gladly.
Are you still cramped up about this middle-aged business?
No, no, no. I'm fine there.
- By the way, you were absolutely right. - Ooh. I love to hear you say that.
But I do have a problem.
You see, the other day, I was asked out by, uh,
this 22-year-old girl that I met in a mall.
That is alarming.
Well, I turned her down.
No, you were in a mall.
Did anyone see you?
Niles.
Now I'm just wondering if I made the right decision.
You see, I mean, I would love to go out with this girl.
She's fantastic.
I'm just afraid of looking like some old fool chasing after a young girl,
becoming a walking midlife-crisis cliché,
running around like that buffoon Stanley Barrister.
Oh, Stanley Barrister. That is embarrassing.
- Is it not beyond the pale? - She's just a chippy.
- [Frasier] How old could she be? - Twenty-one if she's a day.
[Frasier] That's what's so frightening.
I saw them last Tuesday night.
And I saw them together Wednesday morning.
[both] Ew.
- That's disgusting. - Well, this is what I'm afraid of.
People will have the same conversation about me.
Stanley Barrister is a 60-year-old man
who wears a toupee that looks like something he pulled out of a shower drain.
You are 41 and obviously not wearing a toupee.
Thank you, Niles.
So you think it would be okay to go out with this woman?
It doesn't matter what I think.
It does to me. You're my brother. I value your opinion.
My opinion isn't relevant.
Don't be coy, Niles.
And would you please stop pursing your lips?
It makes you look like one of those old women they carve out of dried apples.
Don't you see, what I think about you dating a younger woman is immaterial.
What we think about Stanley Barrister is immaterial.
The only thing that matters is what you think.
Ask yourself, if you went out with her, would you be doing it
because you're running away from your age
or because you think this has the potential
to become a meaningful relationship?
I don't know.
Find out. And then to hell with what people think.
Niles, you are absolutely right.
Oh. There it is again.
I never tire of hearing that.
Let the tongues of the doubting nabobs wag.
If it feels right, make yourself happy.
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, by the way, Niles, if you were stranded on a desert island,
what would you choose as your favorite meal, aria and wine?
The coulibiac of salmon at Guy Savoy,
"Vissi d'arte" from Tosca,
and the Côtes du Rhone Châteauneuf-du-Pape '47.
You are so predictable.
Carrie, hi. Uh...
Hi. I didn't expect to see you here.
Well, I could lie to you and tell you
that I came down to shop, but, actually, I came to see you.
That's great. I've been thinking about you a lot.
I've been thinking a lot about you too, and I wanted to chat a little bit
about why I thought we shouldn't go out.
Okay.
You see, I thought I was going through a phase,
you know, just, well, a midlife crisis, to be frank,
and I was afraid that if I went out with you, I would be trying
to just recapture my youth or something.
Oh, my God. I can't believe you're saying this.
I was afraid that I asked you out
only because I was trying to work out some stuff of my own.
Some unresolved issues about my father or something.
Oh, no, no. So I went back and forth.
I felt like a fool, and then I didn't.
Me too. Back and forth.
I thought maybe you just came along
to fill some sort of a need or something.
Or maybe this could be something serious.
Exactly. So, well, I asked myself a few tough questions...
- Me too. - ...and I finally came to a decision.
[Carrie] Me too.
I think us going out would have been really stupid.
Me too!
It would have completely clouded things with my father,
and you and I would never have been on very firm footing.
But you knew all that.
You could have told me, but you let me figure it out for myself.
Yes. I'm sort of like the Wizard of Oz.
It's no wonder everybody listens to your radio show.
You're so smart.
Actually, I am full of crap.
I had no idea that you might be grappling with some personal issues here.
Some psychiatrist, huh?
The truth is, I came down here to try to talk you into going out with me.
I guess it's still a pretty bad idea.
You're being so honest with me.
That is such an attractive quality in a man.
Well, let's, uh... Let's not go down that road again.
Okay.
See you around.
[theme song playing]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads And scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night!