1 00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,004 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:12,763 [Frasier] To start off the second hour, I'd like to depart from my usual format 3 00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:16,225 because I recently read a book that-- Well, it truly 4 00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:18,852 just knocked my mental socks off. 5 00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:22,064 It's called The Menopausal Male, and its author, 6 00:00:22,064 --> 00:00:25,067 the distinguished psychiatric scholar Dr. Helmut Bruga, 7 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:27,903 has graciously agreed to join us today from his offices 8 00:00:27,903 --> 00:00:29,863 at the University of Washington. 9 00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:32,574 Dr. Bruga, Guten Tag. 10 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:36,411 I've been an admirer of yours for a long time. 11 00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:38,830 [Bruga over phone] Thank you. I enjoy your show, as well. 12 00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,249 - Really? - Yes. 13 00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:43,418 Though I do not, in most cases, agree with your analysis. 14 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:45,462 Back to your book. 15 00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:49,841 Now, we're all very familiar with the changes that occur 16 00:00:49,841 --> 00:00:51,593 in the female menopause. 17 00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:52,886 But your research indicates-- 18 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:56,723 Excuse me, Dr. Crane, may I say hello to Roz? 19 00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:01,603 - Yes. Of course. - Hello, Roz. 20 00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:03,981 Hello, Dr. Bruga. 21 00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:08,986 Yes, your research indicates that the reproductive imperative 22 00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:11,321 is reawakened in later life when the man is-- 23 00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:13,782 You have a very sensuous voice. 24 00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:17,744 Thank you. 25 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:22,332 - Not you, Roz. - Yes, well, back to male menopause-- 26 00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:26,378 Would you perhaps like to go to a movie sometime, maybe grab a bite? 27 00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:28,672 Well, that would be very-- 28 00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,592 No. No. Thank you very much. 29 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:33,176 Well, our time has just flown by. 30 00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:36,972 Thank you for joining us, Dr. Bruga, and for so vividly proving your point. 31 00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:38,807 You will give Roz my number? 32 00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:41,310 Oh, I think Roz has your number. 33 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:48,567 [doorbell rings] 34 00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:54,823 - Oh, hello, Dr. Crane. - Hello, Daphne. 35 00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,450 I hope I haven't come at a bad time. 36 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,243 Well, your brother isn't home from work yet, 37 00:01:58,243 --> 00:01:59,745 and your father's out walking Eddie. 38 00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:00,662 Oh, darn the luck. 39 00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:04,207 I stopped by to drop this off. 40 00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:05,876 It's a necklace I bought for Maris. 41 00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:08,170 I was hoping to hide it here until her birthday. 42 00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:10,005 I'm sure it will be all right. 43 00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:11,840 - Mind if I have a peek? - Not at all. 44 00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:18,639 Oh, my. Emeralds. 45 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,891 Your practice must be doing awfully well. 46 00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:23,352 Who'd have thought the mentally disturbed had this much money? 47 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:27,939 Would you like to try it on? 48 00:02:27,939 --> 00:02:31,777 Oh, I'd love to, if you don't think Mrs. Crane would mind. 49 00:02:31,777 --> 00:02:34,154 Oh, certainly not. Maris is the soul of generosity. 50 00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:38,200 Just last week she donated all her old cocktail dresses to a homeless shelter. 51 00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:44,373 Oh, let me just get my hair out of the way. 52 00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:48,251 - There we go. Oh, dear. Oh! - Oh! Oh, my. Can you see them? 53 00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:50,212 - Oh, yes, thank you. - [lock clicks] 54 00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:00,597 Hello, Niles. 55 00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:02,224 Whatever are you doing here? 56 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,727 I, um, bought an emerald necklace for Maris, 57 00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:08,397 and I needed someplace to hide it for her birthday. 58 00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:13,735 Emeralds? 59 00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:17,239 - Well, may I see it? - Not at the moment, no. 60 00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:21,785 - Why not? - It's down my blouse. 61 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:23,995 [Frasier] I see. 62 00:03:23,995 --> 00:03:27,082 Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there. 63 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,545 It slipped down there when I was trying it on. 64 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,004 I'll just go extract it. 65 00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:36,174 Just call me butterfingers. 66 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,760 Join a health club, Niles. 67 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:42,180 Hey, guys. 68 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:43,598 - Hey, Dad. - [Frasier] Oh, hi, Dad. 69 00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:46,643 - Well, Niles, what brings you by? - Maris' birthday. 70 00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:50,063 - I'm hiding her gift here. - Oh, it's getting that time again, huh? 71 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:52,315 I guess I'm gonna have to get her something. 72 00:03:52,315 --> 00:03:55,193 Oh, it's too bad. I just got back from the hardware store. 73 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,071 Saw a great-looking ratchet set. 74 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:02,033 As if there's anything left on her that needs tightening. 75 00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:12,252 Oh, Dad! No! Not more duct tape! 76 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,128 Yeah. 77 00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:19,217 I gotta repair a little split in the old throne here. 78 00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:23,513 You gotta catch these rips early or they look like hell. 79 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,435 Dad, instead of repairing this old relic all the time, 80 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,437 why don't we just bring the Eames down here? 81 00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:32,439 Ah, no. That thing's too fancy for me. 82 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,983 I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny. 83 00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:37,110 - How about Florida? - [Martin] I heard that. 84 00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:43,325 When I think of all the care I put into decorating my home, 85 00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:46,536 only to have it mocked by this atrocity. 86 00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:50,040 The bottom line is it is your home. Why don't you just make him get rid of it? 87 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,374 It's not as simple as all that. 88 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:53,752 One would have to find the appropriate moment. 89 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,712 I mean, Dad does have his feelings. 90 00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:57,130 One should consider those, 91 00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,674 and he has quite an attachment to this little chair and-- 92 00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:02,677 - Afraid to stand up to him, aren't you? - Oh, like you're not. 93 00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:07,057 Well, at least I don't have to live with something unattractive. 94 00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:15,941 Oh, Niles, I'm just having some fun with you. 95 00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:18,109 Actually, I think Maris is rather attractive 96 00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:20,237 in a minimalist sort of way. 97 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,864 Oh, forget it. 98 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:24,825 I'm just upset about the chair. 99 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:29,788 You know, Frasier, there's a perfectly sound psychological basis 100 00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:31,289 for getting rid of this chair. 101 00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:34,543 - Oh, really? Well, enlighten me, doctor. - With pleasure. 102 00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:37,170 Originally, Dad needed it to bridge the transition 103 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,964 from his old apartment to life here with you. 104 00:05:38,964 --> 00:05:42,801 But, as with all transitional objects, be they a teddy bear, 105 00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:45,887 be they a thumb, be they a blankie, be they a chair-- 106 00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:50,016 - Stop saying "be they"! - The point is, 107 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:53,645 there comes a time when the healthy thing is to put these security objects aside 108 00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:55,313 and reassert your independence. 109 00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:56,481 Yes, of course. 110 00:05:57,399 --> 00:06:00,068 So, what you're saying is that if I should, say, go down to the store 111 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:03,280 and buy Dad a new chair, throw this one in the trash heap, 112 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,323 I wouldn't be doing it for me, I'd be doing it for him. 113 00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:07,534 Yes, and it would be a nice payback for the day 114 00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,578 he used your blankie to clean his service revolver. 115 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:10,704 [Frasier] Mm. 116 00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,874 Oh, I'm sorry, our time is up. [clears throat] 117 00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:37,188 Dear God, Frasier, we've stumbled upon hell's waiting room. 118 00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:42,110 This is not a moment for the faint of heart. 119 00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:44,404 We're treading a thin line here, Niles. 120 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,531 We've got to find something that complements my decor 121 00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:48,742 as well as fulfills Dad's requirements. 122 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:49,701 Oh, dear God. 123 00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:54,414 Can you imagine anyone who would have that in their living room? 124 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:57,250 It looks like someone upholstered it in golf pants. 125 00:06:58,168 --> 00:06:59,669 Excuse me, perhaps you could help us. 126 00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:01,963 - Yeah, perhaps. - We're looking for a chair. 127 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:04,007 - We got them. - Wait, wait, wait. 128 00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:07,594 Ideally, we're looking for something with the presence of a Mies van der Rohe 129 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:10,221 and the playful insouciance of an early Le Corbusier. 130 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,515 This one vibrates. 131 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,144 Well, perhaps you could direct us to your recliners, 132 00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:18,229 preferably one in suede. 133 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,815 People seem to like this Lazy Guy. 134 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:25,695 Lazy Guy. I wonder what they call the deluxe model, the Hopeless Slackass? 135 00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:34,621 Oh, hey, what about this one over here? 136 00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:36,247 You know, I hate to admit it, 137 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,541 but that would not look altogether hideous in my living room. 138 00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:40,961 Have a seat. This one's got Swedish massage. 139 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:41,962 Oh. No, thank you. 140 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,965 - Go ahead, Niles. Try it out. - I'll fire it up for you. 141 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,634 That won't be necessary. I like to sit in my chair. 142 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,260 I don't really like to vibrate. 143 00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:51,513 No, thank you anywa-- 144 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:54,599 - [chair whirring] - [giggling] Ooh. 145 00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,142 It also has shiatsu. 146 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:58,812 Oh! 147 00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:04,651 I never knew a chair could be this satisfying. 148 00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,655 I never knew that anything could. 149 00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:11,449 - I want it. - [Frasier] Right, Niles. 150 00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:14,202 I'm sure it would fit right in with all of Maris' 18th-century antiques. 151 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:17,247 Then I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side. 152 00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:24,170 So, what do you think? Why don't you have a try yourself? 153 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:27,132 I don't think that's necessary. I'm buying it for my father. 154 00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:29,884 You have to sit in it. You can't make a decision before you sit in it. 155 00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:31,636 Something seems like it's not quite right. 156 00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,763 - Here, I'll turn it on. - Oh! 157 00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:37,142 Oh, Mommy! 158 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,399 [barking] 159 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:47,193 Eddie. What is the matter with him? 160 00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:49,279 He saw your father's chair was gone, 161 00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:51,614 and he's afraid it means your father's gone too. 162 00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:53,700 I think he suspects foul play. 163 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,660 - [barking] - [Frasier] Oh, stop it. 164 00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:58,872 If I had stuffed Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, 165 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,041 you'd have been the tiny little splash that followed him. 166 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:04,753 [doorbell rings] 167 00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:06,838 Oh, that must be Leo. 168 00:09:06,838 --> 00:09:08,131 Wait till you see this. 169 00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:11,593 - Come on in. - Make way. 170 00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,595 Just be careful, now, Leo. 171 00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:14,971 Watch the furniture and the walls. 172 00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:16,639 Excuse me, but I happen to be a professional. 173 00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,558 I take a lot of pride in my work, and I never-- 174 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,977 Whoa. How'd that get there? 175 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,772 At least I didn't lose my license this time. 176 00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:25,899 All right, all right, quickly, quickly. 177 00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:28,443 I'm sure Beavis will start to wonder where you are. 178 00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:34,365 Leo, as long as you're here, 179 00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:36,868 we're having a problem with a leaky faucet in the sink. 180 00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:38,119 And where would that be? 181 00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:40,288 In the kitchen, dear. 182 00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:42,832 That wasn't a dumb question. You've got bathrooms too, don't you? 183 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,918 None that you'll be going anywhere near. 184 00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:48,630 Oh, Dr. Crane, it's lovely. 185 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:51,966 I thought the other one was nice, but this is smashing. 186 00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:53,551 - Well, try it out. - Okay. 187 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:56,221 - And it has a little surprise. - Oh. 188 00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,807 This is comfy, 189 00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:01,684 although it's a little on the soft side. 190 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:02,644 I prefer-- 191 00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,646 [chair whirring] 192 00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:07,732 Hello. 193 00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:10,652 Oh. Oh! Oh. 194 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:14,489 This is enough to make me give up my search for a meaningful relationship. 195 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,408 - [lock clicks] - Oh, quick, quick. That's Dad. 196 00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:20,161 - Get out! Get out! Get out! - Oh, all right. 197 00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:23,623 Just like a man. Now you've had your fun, you don't care where I am. 198 00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:30,004 - [Martin] Hey there. - Hi, Dad. 199 00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:31,881 I've got a little surprise for you. 200 00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:37,720 - What's that? - It's your new easy chair! 201 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,015 Well, what do you know about that? 202 00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:43,685 Where's my old chair? 203 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,062 It's down in the storage space. Come on, try this one out. 204 00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:50,942 Oh, look, I appreciate this, Frasier, but that, it really isn't me. 205 00:10:50,942 --> 00:10:52,652 Dad, you haven't even sat in it yet. 206 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,946 Come on. Come on down, Martin Crane. 207 00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:55,780 Come on. 208 00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:02,620 [chair whirring] 209 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,834 That's disgusting! 210 00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:14,841 No, no, look, Frasier, I'm sorry, but I'm a creature of habit, 211 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,177 and I think I'd rather have my old chair back. 212 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,094 Dad, but why? 213 00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:21,389 This chair's a lot more comfortable than the old one, and it's therapeutic. 214 00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,766 I know, I just never cared for leather. 215 00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:25,852 You know, you stick to it in the hot weather. 216 00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,478 You can't sit in it in your shorts. 217 00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:29,355 It makes my back sweat. 218 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:30,607 Black's hot. 219 00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:31,691 I am sorry. 220 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,401 I just couldn't get used to it in this chair. 221 00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:34,736 All right, Dad. Fine. 222 00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:38,948 The important thing is that you lived with it for a full 15 seconds. Leo! 223 00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:43,494 Leo, we need you to bring Mr. Crane's chair back in here. 224 00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:45,997 Oh, no can do, Fish 'N' Chips. Someone took it. 225 00:11:45,997 --> 00:11:46,915 What? 226 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:49,083 Are you saying that someone broke into my storage space 227 00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:50,835 and stole my father's chair? 228 00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:52,128 Your storage space? 229 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:54,505 That's where I told you to put it. You put it there, didn't you? 230 00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:56,925 Oh, man, not another day like last Tuesday. 231 00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,969 Where's my chair, Leo? 232 00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:02,013 I took it down to the dumpster, and someone snagged it. 233 00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:04,849 - It was pretty bitchen. I almost kept it. - You threw my chair away! 234 00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:05,850 You happy now? It's gone! 235 00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:07,352 You have got to find that chair. 236 00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:10,104 I don't care what you have to do. Comb the entire building. 237 00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,356 Find my father's chair! 238 00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:13,608 "Dump the chair, get the chair, find the chair." 239 00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:15,568 - What am I? The building lackey? - [Frasier] Yes! 240 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:16,402 Oh, okay. 241 00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:25,787 Well, if no one's going to want this, we could put it in my room. 242 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:29,749 Maybe later. 243 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:30,959 You two talk it over. 244 00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,878 This couldn't have worked out any better for you, could it? 245 00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:36,381 You've been trying to get rid of that chair from the day I moved in. 246 00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:38,341 You could at least show a little gratitude. 247 00:12:38,341 --> 00:12:40,343 I didn't do this for me. I did it for you. 248 00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,678 [Martin] Like hell! 249 00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,471 You're acting like I lost the chair on purpose. 250 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,556 Hey, let me tell you something. 251 00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:49,310 That chair was the only thing that made me feel comfortable in this house. 252 00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,437 That made me feel that maybe this was my home too. 253 00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:55,024 Oh, baloney! All I've tried to do is make you comfortable. 254 00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:56,651 I don't even know why I bothered. 255 00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:59,404 I mean, everybody knows that Martin Crane doesn't like calfskin. 256 00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:00,488 He prefers duct tape! 257 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,701 And food crumbs! 258 00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:08,621 There we are. And let's have a little dribble of beer while we're at it. 259 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,081 Why not? There, that's the life. 260 00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,834 Oh, and let's not forget, to top it all off, 261 00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:15,837 just the slightest bit of dog hair, hmm? 262 00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:22,719 I suppose you're gonna be throwing Eddie out by the dumpster next. 263 00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,429 I don't know why you're carrying on this way. 264 00:13:24,429 --> 00:13:27,223 We are, after all, talking about a 25-year-old broken-down chair. 265 00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:29,600 If you don't like this chair, I'll get you any chair you want! 266 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:30,560 [Martin] Really? 267 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,729 All right, I'll tell you what chair I want. 268 00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:36,024 I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong 269 00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:37,942 take his first step on the moon. 270 00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:41,112 And when the U.S. hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. 271 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,407 I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me 272 00:13:44,407 --> 00:13:46,034 to tell me I had a grandson. 273 00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:48,828 I want the chair I was in all those nights 274 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,705 when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss 275 00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:53,291 after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. 276 00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:55,793 You know, I still fall asleep in it. 277 00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,046 And every once in a while, 278 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:03,259 when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there ready to lead me off to bed. 279 00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:07,472 Oh, never mind. 280 00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:10,975 It's only a chair. 281 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:13,603 Come on, Eddie. 282 00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,612 - Hey, Fras. How was your weekend? - Hellish. 283 00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:24,989 Great. So let me tell you what happened to me. 284 00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:27,950 I had the most incredible date Saturday night. 285 00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,410 - It was really hot. - Mm-hm. 286 00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:30,870 So Sunday, I'm driving home-- 287 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,039 - Sunday? - I told you it was hot. 288 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:37,043 So anyway, my car breaks down right in front of this church, 289 00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:39,128 and all the people are just coming out after their show. 290 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:40,713 - Service. - What? 291 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:43,341 Churches don't have shows. They have services. 292 00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:44,926 Can I finish my story? 293 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:46,135 - All right. - Thank you. 294 00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,930 So I walk up to the minister... Is that all right? 295 00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:51,057 ...and I ask him if I can use his phone. 296 00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:53,267 And he tells me my sweater's on inside out. 297 00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:57,605 One thing led to another, and we have a date tonight. 298 00:14:57,605 --> 00:14:59,065 Ministers aren't celibate, are they? 299 00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,735 - Not that I don't love a challenge. - Mm. 300 00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:07,907 Maybe you should take a sick day sometime, call into the show yourself. 301 00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:11,953 You're on the air. 302 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,123 Good afternoon, Seattle. 303 00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:16,749 This is Dr. Frasier Crane. 304 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:21,254 Now, before I take my first caller, I'd like to make a personal appeal. 305 00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:26,968 Last Saturday, my father's chair was taken from in front of the Elliot Bay Towers. 306 00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:31,973 And it's a running split-pea green and mud-brown striped recliner 307 00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:34,684 with the occasional spot of stuffing popping out 308 00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:37,478 from underneath a strip of duct tape. 309 00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:42,733 As incredible as this may seem, I'm offering a handsome reward 310 00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:43,901 for its safe return. 311 00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:47,155 Thank you. And now, Roz, who's on line one? 312 00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:48,072 It's John. 313 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:52,201 So remember, Stephanie, a little emotional flexibility is a good thing. 314 00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:55,455 Just as the mighty oak snaps and falls in a windstorm, 315 00:15:55,455 --> 00:16:00,585 so the weeping willow bends and lives to see another day. 316 00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:02,170 Thank you for your call. 317 00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:04,714 So, Roz, any update on the chair? 318 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:06,841 Oh, yeah. The calls have been pouring in. 319 00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:08,176 Really? What are they? 320 00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:11,929 Well, so far, it's been spotted at the top of the Space Needle, 321 00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:14,849 in the governor's mansion, and a man in Lake Stevens said he saw it 322 00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:18,603 flying over his house, but he thought it was a spaceship from a tacky planet. 323 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,274 Funny stuff, people. 324 00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:25,818 Let's just go to commercial break so you all can chuckle 325 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,987 through these words from Yukon Lumber. 326 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:31,282 Ingrates. 327 00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:34,744 I dedicate my life to clearing away their psychic debris, 328 00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:37,288 - and this is how they repay me. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 329 00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:39,290 He'll be there just as soon as the show's over. 330 00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:41,000 - Thank you so much. - What is it? 331 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,377 - I found the chair. - Oh, great. Oh, thank God. 332 00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:46,422 By tonight, my Dad will be safely back in his beer-stained, 333 00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:50,176 flea-infested, duct-taped recliner, adjusting his shorts with one hand 334 00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,803 and cheering on Jean-Claude Van Damme with the other. 335 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,974 Yes, it's quite a little piece of heaven I've carved out for myself, isn't it? 336 00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:02,647 [boy gagging] 337 00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,446 Okay. Okay. 338 00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:11,948 That was nice. 339 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:16,369 Um, but let's just remember there is a very fine line 340 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,538 between good acting and hamming it up. 341 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,331 - Let's try it again. - Excuse me. 342 00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:22,708 Mrs. Warren. I can't find my mustache. 343 00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:26,128 I can't remember any lines, Ms. Warren. I'm really nervous. 344 00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:28,673 - Me too. - Okay, people! People! 345 00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:30,258 Can I have you all over here for a second? 346 00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:32,218 Uh, Mrs. Warren, could--? 347 00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:38,683 This isn't Broadway. It's junior high. 348 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:41,227 There's no reason at all to be nervous. 349 00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:44,730 We're just gonna go out there tonight in front of family and friends 350 00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,482 and have some fun, okay? 351 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,317 Okay. 352 00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:51,028 If one more thing goes wrong, I'm gonna have to take my own life. 353 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:56,117 - If I could just have a word with you. - I'm sorry. 354 00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:58,619 In 45 minutes, the curtain goes up on a very shaky production 355 00:17:58,619 --> 00:17:59,704 of Ten Little Indians. 356 00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:02,873 Oh, Ten Little Indians. I thought I recognized the mise-en-scène. 357 00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:05,042 You know, I did this play years ago. 358 00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:06,627 On the contrary, major, 359 00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:09,755 many a psychotic killer would appear to be quite normal. 360 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:13,968 You see, you could never suspect that underneath that calm exterior 361 00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:17,138 there lies the heart of a maniac. [chuckles] 362 00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:19,432 It happens to be true, by the way. 363 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:22,727 Who are you? 364 00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:23,894 I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. 365 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:29,650 From the radio. KACL Talk-- Well, never mind. 366 00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:33,112 Someone told me that my chair would be here, and sure enough, here it is. 367 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,655 I'll just get this out of your hair. 368 00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:38,034 Oh, excuse me, but that doesn't go anywhere. 369 00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,745 Right now this chair is the most entertaining thing on-stage. 370 00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:44,081 - Well, I'm sure that's quite true, but-- - Ow! Aah! 371 00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:45,583 Don't worry about it, honey. 372 00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:48,044 Just run along to the nurse's office. I'm sure you'll be fine. 373 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,087 They'll have you back here in no time. 374 00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:51,797 I'm so sick of being positive. 375 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,759 Yes, but you see, you don't understand. 376 00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:57,345 This chair belongs to my father, and I must return it to him. 377 00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:58,679 Sir, 378 00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:01,140 you can have your chair back in two weeks. 379 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,184 I'm in a very difficult position here. 380 00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:06,479 Difficult? You want difficult? 381 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:09,940 I have a set that's falling apart, a leading man who's voice changed 382 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,193 at precisely 3:00 this afternoon, 383 00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:14,654 and my name is spelled wrong in the program! 384 00:19:17,198 --> 00:19:19,033 See what I did there, Pomeroy? 385 00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:22,453 That's the kind of anger I need from you in the accusation scene. 386 00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:24,747 I'll give you $200. 387 00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:26,582 - You can get yourself a new chair. - Forget it. 388 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:29,085 I realize you're in an untenable position here, 389 00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,628 but I am speaking to you from the heart. 390 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:34,382 You see, by putting this chair in the trash, I have wounded my father. 391 00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:35,883 I realize it's just a chair to you, 392 00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:38,052 but to him it is a treasure trove of life memories 393 00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:39,929 that I have thoughtlessly discarded 394 00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:42,890 because I didn't like the way it looked in my living room. 395 00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:45,851 I have sacrificed heart and soul for form and function. 396 00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:48,270 Believe me, I am terribly ashamed of myself for that. 397 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:51,565 This chair is the last, best chance to forge any kind of meaningful relationship 398 00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:53,526 with the only father I'll ever have. 399 00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,989 People, were you all listening to that? 400 00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:03,244 Because you can learn a lot from this man. 401 00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:06,831 That speech he just gave is a perfect example 402 00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,749 of the kind of hammy overacting 403 00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:11,252 I don't want to see out of any of you for this entire run. 404 00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:13,129 - Now, hold on for a minute! - Mrs. Warren! 405 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:16,090 - What is it, Joey? - Bobby McDuff just threw up backstage. 406 00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:19,635 Oh, perfect. My Dr. Armstrong has opening-night jitters. 407 00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:21,595 No, it's not jitters. It's stomach flu. 408 00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:24,098 - He's in the nurse's office. - Oh, well, what else can you do? 409 00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:27,226 You'll have to cancel the performance. Too bad. I'll just take this with me. 410 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:30,563 I can't cancel. I have 300 parents in their cars already. 411 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:33,482 I'm sure somehow the American theater will survive. 412 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:35,568 You can't do the show without Dr. Armstrong. 413 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:38,070 He's too important to the plot. I know. That's the part I played. 414 00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:41,615 You played Dr. Armstrong? 415 00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:43,242 Well, yes, I-- Oh, no, no, no. 416 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,452 You're not thinking... 417 00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:46,954 How badly do you want your chair? 418 00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:49,457 Well, I'm sorry, it's out of the question. 419 00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:51,751 You know, it'd be a real shame 420 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:55,421 if something... oh, happened to this chair. 421 00:20:57,673 --> 00:21:01,302 But it's been years. I hardly can remember any of the lines. 422 00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:02,720 Then you'll fit right in. 423 00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:08,809 [audience applauding] 424 00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:27,995 [man] Bravo! 425 00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:33,793 [theme music playing] 426 00:21:34,543 --> 00:21:39,507 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 427 00:21:39,507 --> 00:21:40,800 Oh, my. 428 00:21:41,383 --> 00:21:46,597 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪ 429 00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:48,766 Ha, ha, ha, ha. 430 00:21:48,766 --> 00:21:50,267 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 431 00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:53,771 ♪ With those tossed salads And scrambled eggs ♪ 432 00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:57,149 ♪ They're callin' again ♪ 433 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,111 Scrambled eggs all over my face. 434 00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:02,863 What is a boy to do? 435 00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:06,367 Thank you!