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To start off the second hour,
I'd like to depart from my usual format
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00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:16,225
because I recently read a book that--
Well, it truly
3
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just knocked my mental socks off.
4
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It's called The Menopausal Male,
and its author,
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the distinguished psychiatric scholar
Dr. Helmut Bruga,
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has graciously agreed
to join us today from his offices
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at the University of Washington.
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Dr. Bruga, Guten Tag.
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I've been an admirer
of yours for a long time.
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Thank you.
I enjoy your show, as well.
11
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- Really?
- Yes.
12
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Though I do not, in most cases,
agree with your analysis.
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Back to your book.
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Now, we're all very familiar
with the changes that occur
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in the female menopause.
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But your research indicates--
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Excuse me, Dr. Crane,
may I say hello to Roz?
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- Yes. Of course.
- Hello, Roz.
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Hello, Dr. Bruga.
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Yes, your research indicates
that the reproductive imperative
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is reawakened
in later life when the man is--
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You have a very sensuous voice.
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Thank you.
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- Not you, Roz.
- Yes, well, back to male menopause--
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Would you perhaps like to go
to a movie sometime, maybe grab a bite?
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Well, that would be very--
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No. No. Thank you very much.
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Well, our time has just flown by.
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Thank you for joining us, Dr. Bruga,
and for so vividly proving your point.
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You will give Roz my number?
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Oh, I think Roz has your number.
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- Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
- Hello, Daphne.
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I hope I haven't come at a bad time.
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Well, your brother
isn't home from work yet,
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and your father's out walking Eddie.
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Oh, darn the luck.
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I stopped by to drop this off.
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It's a necklace I bought for Maris.
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I was hoping to hide it here
until her birthday.
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I'm sure it will be all right.
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- Mind if I have a peek?
- Not at all.
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Oh, my. Emeralds.
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Your practice must be doing awfully well.
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Who'd have thought the mentally disturbed
had this much money?
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Would you like to try it on?
46
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Oh, I'd love to,
if you don't think Mrs. Crane would mind.
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Oh, certainly not.
Maris is the soul of generosity.
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Just last week she donated all her old
cocktail dresses to a homeless shelter.
49
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Oh, let me just get my hair
out of the way.
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- There we go. Oh, dear. Oh!
- Oh! Oh, my. Can you see them?
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Oh, yes, thank you.
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Hello, Niles.
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Whatever are you doing here?
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I, um, bought
an emerald necklace for Maris,
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and I needed someplace
to hide it for her birthday.
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Emeralds?
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- Well, may I see it?
- Not at the moment, no.
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- Why not?
- It's down my blouse.
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I see.
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Well, I'm sure Maris
will never think of looking for it there.
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It slipped down there
when I was trying it on.
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I'll just go extract it.
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Just call me butterfingers.
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Join a health club, Niles.
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Hey, guys.
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- Hey, Dad.
- Oh, hi, Dad.
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- Well, Niles, what brings you by?
- Maris' birthday.
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- I'm hiding her gift here.
- Oh, it's getting that time again, huh?
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I guess I'm gonna
have to get her something.
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Oh, it's too bad.
I just got back from the hardware store.
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Saw a great-looking ratchet set.
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As if there's anything left on her
that needs tightening.
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Oh, Dad! No! Not more duct tape!
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Yeah.
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I gotta repair a little split
in the old throne here.
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You gotta catch these rips early
or they look like hell.
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Dad, instead of repairing this old relic
all the time,
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why don't we just bring the Eames
down here?
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Ah, no. That thing's too fancy for me.
80
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I just need a comfortable place
to park my fanny.
81
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- How about Florida?
- I heard that.
82
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When I think of all the care
I put into decorating my home,
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only to have it mocked by this atrocity.
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The bottom line is it is your home.
Why don't you just make him get rid of it?
85
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It's not as simple as all that.
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One would have to find
the appropriate moment.
87
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I mean, Dad does have his feelings.
88
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One should consider those,
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and he has quite an attachment
to this little chair and--
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- Afraid to stand up to him, aren't you?
- Oh, like you're not.
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Well, at least I don't have to live
with something unattractive.
92
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Oh, Niles,
I'm just having some fun with you.
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Actually, I think Maris
is rather attractive
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in a minimalist sort of way.
95
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Oh, forget it.
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I'm just upset about the chair.
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You know, Frasier, there's
a perfectly sound psychological basis
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for getting rid of this chair.
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00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:34,542
- Oh, really? Well, enlighten me, doctor.
- With pleasure.
100
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Originally, Dad needed it
to bridge the transition
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00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,963
from his old apartment
to life here with you.
102
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But, as with all transitional objects,
be they a teddy bear,
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be they a thumb,
be they a blankie, be they a chair--
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- Stop saying "be they"!
- The point is,
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there comes a time when the healthy thing
is to put these security objects aside
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and reassert your independence.
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Yes, of course.
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So, what you're saying is that
if I should, say, go down to the store
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and buy Dad a new chair,
throw this one in the trash heap,
110
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I wouldn't be doing it for me,
I'd be doing it for him.
111
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Yes, and it would be
a nice payback for the day
112
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he used your blankie
to clean his service revolver.
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Mm.
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Oh, I'm sorry, our time is up.
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Dear God, Frasier,
we've stumbled upon hell's waiting room.
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This is not a moment
for the faint of heart.
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We're treading a thin line here, Niles.
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We've got to find something
that complements my decor
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as well as fulfills Dad's requirements.
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Oh, dear God.
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Can you imagine anyone
who would have that in their living room?
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It looks like someone
upholstered it in golf pants.
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Excuse me, perhaps you could help us.
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- Yeah, perhaps.
- We're looking for a chair.
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- We got them.
- Wait, wait, wait.
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Ideally, we're looking for something with
the presence of a Mies van der Rohe
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and the playful insouciance
of an early Le Corbusier.
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This one vibrates.
129
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Well, perhaps you could direct us
to your recliners,
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preferably one in suede.
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People seem to like this Lazy Guy.
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Lazy Guy. I wonder what they call
the deluxe model, the Hopeless Slackass?
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Oh, hey, what about this one over here?
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You know, I hate to admit it,
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but that would not look altogether hideous
in my living room.
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Have a seat.
This one's got Swedish massage.
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Oh. No, thank you.
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- Go ahead, Niles. Try it out.
- I'll fire it up for you.
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That won't be necessary.
I like to sit in my chair.
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I don't really like to vibrate.
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No, thank you anywa--
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Ooh.
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It also has shiatsu.
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Oh!
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I never knew a chair
could be this satisfying.
146
00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,655
I never knew that anything could.
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00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:11,448
- I want it.
- Right, Niles.
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00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:14,201
I'm sure it would fit right in
with all of Maris' 18th-century antiques.
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Then I'll just rent it an apartment
and visit it on the side.
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So, what do you think?
Why don't you have a try yourself?
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I don't think that's necessary.
I'm buying it for my father.
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You have to sit in it. You can't make
a decision before you sit in it.
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Something seems like it's not quite right.
154
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- Here, I'll turn it on.
- Oh!
155
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Oh, Mommy!
156
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Eddie. What is the matter with him?
157
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He saw your father's chair was gone,
158
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and he's afraid it means
your father's gone too.
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I think he suspects foul play.
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Oh, stop it.
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If I had stuffed Dad's feet into a bucket
of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound,
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you'd have been the tiny little splash
that followed him.
163
00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:06,837
Oh, that must be Leo.
164
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Wait till you see this.
165
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- Come on in.
- Make way.
166
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,594
Just be careful, now, Leo.
167
00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:14,970
Watch the furniture and the walls.
168
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:16,638
Excuse me,
but I happen to be a professional.
169
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,558
I take a lot of pride in my work,
and I never--
170
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,977
Whoa. How'd that get there?
171
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,771
At least I didn't lose
my license this time.
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All right, all right, quickly, quickly.
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I'm sure Beavis
will start to wonder where you are.
174
00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:34,364
Leo, as long as you're here,
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00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:36,867
we're having a problem
with a leaky faucet in the sink.
176
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:38,119
And where would that be?
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00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:40,287
In the kitchen, dear.
178
00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:42,831
That wasn't a dumb question.
You've got bathrooms too, don't you?
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00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,918
None that you'll be going anywhere near.
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00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:48,629
Oh, Dr. Crane, it's lovely.
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00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:51,965
I thought the other one was nice,
but this is smashing.
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00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:53,550
- Well, try it out.
- Okay.
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00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:56,221
- And it has a little surprise.
- Oh.
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00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,806
This is comfy,
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00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:01,683
although it's a little on the soft side.
186
00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:02,643
I prefer--
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00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:07,731
Hello.
188
00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:10,651
Oh. Oh! Oh.
189
00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:14,489
This is enough to make me give up
my search for a meaningful relationship.
190
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,407
Oh, quick, quick. That's Dad.
191
00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:20,160
- Get out! Get out! Get out!
- Oh, all right.
192
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:23,623
Just like a man. Now you've had your fun,
you don't care where I am.
193
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:30,003
- Hey there.
- Hi, Dad.
194
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:31,881
I've got a little surprise for you.
195
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:37,720
- What's that?
- It's your new easy chair!
196
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,015
Well, what do you know about that?
197
00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:43,684
Where's my old chair?
198
00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,061
It's down in the storage space.
Come on, try this one out.
199
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:50,941
Oh, look, I appreciate this, Frasier,
but that, it really isn't me.
200
00:10:50,942 --> 00:10:52,651
Dad, you haven't even sat in it yet.
201
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,945
Come on. Come on down, Martin Crane.
202
00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:55,780
Come on.
203
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,834
That's disgusting!
204
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:14,840
No, no, look, Frasier,
I'm sorry, but I'm a creature of habit,
205
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,176
and I think I'd rather have
my old chair back.
206
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,093
Dad, but why?
207
00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:21,388
This chair's a lot more comfortable
than the old one, and it's therapeutic.
208
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,765
I know, I just never cared for leather.
209
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:25,851
You know, you stick to it
in the hot weather.
210
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,477
You can't sit in it in your shorts.
211
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:29,354
It makes my back sweat.
212
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:30,606
Black's hot.
213
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:31,690
I am sorry.
214
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,400
I just couldn't get used to it
in this chair.
215
00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:34,735
All right, Dad. Fine.
216
00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:38,948
The important thing is that you lived
with it for a full 15 seconds. Leo!
217
00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:43,493
Leo, we need you to bring
Mr. Crane's chair back in here.
218
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:45,996
Oh, no can do, Fish 'N' Chips.
Someone took it.
219
00:11:45,997 --> 00:11:46,914
What?
220
00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:49,082
Are you saying
that someone broke into my storage space
221
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:50,834
and stole my father's chair?
222
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:52,127
Your storage space?
223
00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:54,504
That's where I told you to put it.
You put it there, didn't you?
224
00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:56,925
Oh, man, not another day
like last Tuesday.
225
00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,968
Where's my chair, Leo?
226
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:02,012
I took it down to the dumpster,
and someone snagged it.
227
00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:04,848
- It was pretty bitchen. I almost kept it.
- You threw my chair away!
228
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:05,849
You happy now? It's gone!
229
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:07,351
You have got to find that chair.
230
00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:10,103
I don't care what you have to do.
Comb the entire building.
231
00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,355
Find my father's chair!
232
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:13,607
"Dump the chair, get the chair,
find the chair."
233
00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:15,567
- What am I? The building lackey?
- Yes!
234
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:16,402
Oh, okay.
235
00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:25,787
Well, if no one's going to want this,
we could put it in my room.
236
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:29,748
Maybe later.
237
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:30,959
You two talk it over.
238
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,877
This couldn't have worked out
any better for you, could it?
239
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:36,380
You've been trying to get rid
of that chair from the day I moved in.
240
00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:38,340
You could at least show
a little gratitude.
241
00:12:38,341 --> 00:12:40,342
I didn't do this for me.
I did it for you.
242
00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,677
Like hell!
243
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,470
You're acting like
I lost the chair on purpose.
244
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,556
Hey, let me tell you something.
245
00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:49,309
That chair was the only thing that
made me feel comfortable in this house.
246
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,436
That made me feel
that maybe this was my home too.
247
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:55,023
Oh, baloney! All I've tried to do
is make you comfortable.
248
00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:56,650
I don't even know why I bothered.
249
00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:59,403
I mean, everybody knows
that Martin Crane doesn't like calfskin.
250
00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:00,488
He prefers duct tape!
251
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,701
And food crumbs!
252
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:08,620
There we are. And let's have a little
dribble of beer while we're at it.
253
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,080
Why not? There, that's the life.
254
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,833
Oh, and let's not forget,
to top it all off,
255
00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:15,837
just the slightest bit of dog hair, hmm?
256
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:22,718
I suppose you're gonna be throwing
Eddie out by the dumpster next.
257
00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,428
I don't know why
you're carrying on this way.
258
00:13:24,429 --> 00:13:27,222
We are, after all, talking about
a 25-year-old broken-down chair.
259
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:29,599
If you don't like this chair,
I'll get you any chair you want!
260
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:30,559
Really?
261
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,729
All right,
I'll tell you what chair I want.
262
00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:36,023
I want the chair I was sitting in
when I watched Neil Armstrong
263
00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:37,941
take his first step on the moon.
264
00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:41,112
And when the U.S. hockey team
beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics.
265
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,406
I want the chair I was sitting in
the night you called me
266
00:13:44,407 --> 00:13:46,034
to tell me I had a grandson.
267
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:48,827
I want the chair I was in all those nights
268
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,704
when your mother
used to wake me up with a kiss
269
00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:53,291
after I'd fallen asleep
in front of the television.
270
00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:55,793
You know, I still fall asleep in it.
271
00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,046
And every once in a while,
272
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:03,259
when I wake up, I still expect your mother
to be there ready to lead me off to bed.
273
00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:07,472
Oh, never mind.
274
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:10,975
It's only a chair.
275
00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:13,603
Come on, Eddie.
276
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,611
- Hey, Fras. How was your weekend?
- Hellish.
277
00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:24,988
Great. So let me tell you
what happened to me.
278
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:27,949
I had the most incredible date
Saturday night.
279
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,409
- It was really hot.
- Mm-hm.
280
00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:30,869
So Sunday, I'm driving home--
281
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,039
- Sunday?
- I told you it was hot.
282
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:37,042
So anyway, my car breaks down
right in front of this church,
283
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:39,127
and all the people
are just coming out after their show.
284
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:40,712
- Service.
- What?
285
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:43,340
Churches don't have shows.
They have services.
286
00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:44,925
Can I finish my story?
287
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:46,134
- All right.
- Thank you.
288
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,929
So I walk up to the minister...
Is that all right?
289
00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:51,056
...and I ask him if I can use his phone.
290
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:53,267
And he tells me
my sweater's on inside out.
291
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:57,604
One thing led to another,
and we have a date tonight.
292
00:14:57,605 --> 00:14:59,065
Ministers aren't celibate, are they?
293
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,735
- Not that I don't love a challenge.
- Mm.
294
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:07,907
Maybe you should take a sick day sometime,
call into the show yourself.
295
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:11,953
You're on the air.
296
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,122
Good afternoon, Seattle.
297
00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:16,748
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
298
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:21,254
Now, before I take my first caller,
I'd like to make a personal appeal.
299
00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:26,967
Last Saturday, my father's chair was taken
from in front of the Elliot Bay Towers.
300
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:31,972
And it's a running split-pea green
and mud-brown striped recliner
301
00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:34,683
with the occasional spot
of stuffing popping out
302
00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:37,478
from underneath a strip of duct tape.
303
00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:42,732
As incredible as this may seem,
I'm offering a handsome reward
304
00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:43,901
for its safe return.
305
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:47,154
Thank you.
And now, Roz, who's on line one?
306
00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:48,071
It's John.
307
00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:52,200
So remember, Stephanie, a little
emotional flexibility is a good thing.
308
00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:55,454
Just as the mighty oak snaps
and falls in a windstorm,
309
00:15:55,455 --> 00:16:00,584
so the weeping willow bends
and lives to see another day.
310
00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:02,169
Thank you for your call.
311
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:04,713
So, Roz, any update on the chair?
312
00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:06,840
Oh, yeah. The calls have been pouring in.
313
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:08,175
Really? What are they?
314
00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:11,928
Well, so far, it's been spotted
at the top of the Space Needle,
315
00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:14,848
in the governor's mansion,
and a man in Lake Stevens said he saw it
316
00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:18,603
flying over his house, but he thought
it was a spaceship from a tacky planet.
317
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,273
Funny stuff, people.
318
00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:25,817
Let's just go to commercial break
so you all can chuckle
319
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,987
through these words from Yukon Lumber.
320
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:31,282
Ingrates.
321
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:34,743
I dedicate my life
to clearing away their psychic debris,
322
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:37,287
- and this is how they repay me.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
323
00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:39,289
He'll be there
just as soon as the show's over.
324
00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:40,999
- Thank you so much.
- What is it?
325
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,376
- I found the chair.
- Oh, great. Oh, thank God.
326
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:46,421
By tonight, my Dad will be safely
back in his beer-stained,
327
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:50,175
flea-infested, duct-taped recliner,
adjusting his shorts with one hand
328
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,803
and cheering on Jean-Claude Van Damme
with the other.
329
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,974
Yes, it's quite a little piece of heaven
I've carved out for myself, isn't it?
330
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,445
Okay. Okay.
331
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:11,948
That was nice.
332
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:16,368
Um, but let's just remember
there is a very fine line
333
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,537
between good acting and hamming it up.
334
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,330
- Let's try it again.
- Excuse me.
335
00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:22,707
Mrs. Warren. I can't find my mustache.
336
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:26,127
I can't remember any lines, Ms. Warren.
I'm really nervous.
337
00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:28,672
- Me too.
- Okay, people! People!
338
00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:30,257
Can I have you all over here
for a second?
339
00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:32,218
Uh, Mrs. Warren, could--?
340
00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:38,682
This isn't Broadway. It's junior high.
341
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:41,226
There's no reason at all to be nervous.
342
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:44,729
We're just gonna go out there tonight
in front of family and friends
343
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,482
and have some fun, okay?
344
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,316
Okay.
345
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:51,028
If one more thing goes wrong,
I'm gonna have to take my own life.
346
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:56,116
- If I could just have a word with you.
- I'm sorry.
347
00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:58,618
In 45 minutes, the curtain goes up
on a very shaky production
348
00:17:58,619 --> 00:17:59,703
of Ten Little Indians.
349
00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:02,872
Oh, Ten Little Indians.
I thought I recognized the mise-en-scène.
350
00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:05,041
You know, I did this play years ago.
351
00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:06,626
On the contrary, major,
352
00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:09,754
many a psychotic killer
would appear to be quite normal.
353
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:13,967
You see, you could never suspect
that underneath that calm exterior
354
00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:17,138
there lies the heart of a maniac.
355
00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:19,432
It happens to be true, by the way.
356
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:22,726
Who are you?
357
00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:23,894
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
358
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:29,649
From the radio. KACL Talk--
Well, never mind.
359
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:33,111
Someone told me that my chair would
be here, and sure enough, here it is.
360
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,654
I'll just get this out of your hair.
361
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:38,033
Oh, excuse me,
but that doesn't go anywhere.
362
00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,744
Right now this chair
is the most entertaining thing on-stage.
363
00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:44,080
- Well, I'm sure that's quite true, but--
- Ow! Aah!
364
00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:45,582
Don't worry about it, honey.
365
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:48,043
Just run along to the nurse's office.
I'm sure you'll be fine.
366
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,086
They'll have you back here in no time.
367
00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:51,797
I'm so sick of being positive.
368
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,758
Yes, but you see, you don't understand.
369
00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:57,344
This chair belongs to my father,
and I must return it to him.
370
00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:58,678
Sir,
371
00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:01,139
you can have your chair back in two weeks.
372
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,183
I'm in a very difficult position here.
373
00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:06,478
Difficult? You want difficult?
374
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:09,939
I have a set that's falling apart,
a leading man who's voice changed
375
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,192
at precisely 3:00 this afternoon,
376
00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:14,654
and my name is spelled wrong
in the program!
377
00:19:17,198 --> 00:19:19,032
See what I did there, Pomeroy?
378
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:22,453
That's the kind of anger
I need from you in the accusation scene.
379
00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:24,746
I'll give you $200.
380
00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:26,581
- You can get yourself a new chair.
- Forget it.
381
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:29,084
I realize you're in
an untenable position here,
382
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,627
but I am speaking to you
from the heart.
383
00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:34,381
You see, by putting this chair
in the trash, I have wounded my father.
384
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:35,882
I realize it's just a chair to you,
385
00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:38,051
but to him it is a treasure trove
of life memories
386
00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:39,928
that I have thoughtlessly discarded
387
00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:42,889
because I didn't like the way
it looked in my living room.
388
00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:45,850
I have sacrificed heart and soul
for form and function.
389
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:48,269
Believe me,
I am terribly ashamed of myself for that.
390
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:51,564
This chair is the last, best chance to
forge any kind of meaningful relationship
391
00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:53,526
with the only father I'll ever have.
392
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,989
People, were you all listening to that?
393
00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:03,243
Because you can learn a lot from this man.
394
00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:06,830
That speech he just gave
is a perfect example
395
00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,748
of the kind of hammy overacting
396
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:11,251
I don't want to see out of any of you
for this entire run.
397
00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:13,128
- Now, hold on for a minute!
- Mrs. Warren!
398
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:16,089
- What is it, Joey?
- Bobby McDuff just threw up backstage.
399
00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:19,634
Oh, perfect. My Dr. Armstrong
has opening-night jitters.
400
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:21,594
No, it's not jitters. It's stomach flu.
401
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:24,097
- He's in the nurse's office.
- Oh, well, what else can you do?
402
00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:27,225
You'll have to cancel the performance.
Too bad. I'll just take this with me.
403
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:30,562
I can't cancel.
I have 300 parents in their cars already.
404
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:33,481
I'm sure somehow
the American theater will survive.
405
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:35,567
You can't do the show
without Dr. Armstrong.
406
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:38,070
He's too important to the plot.
I know. That's the part I played.
407
00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:41,614
You played Dr. Armstrong?
408
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:43,241
Well, yes, I-- Oh, no, no, no.
409
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,452
You're not thinking...
410
00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:46,953
How badly do you want your chair?
411
00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:49,456
Well, I'm sorry, it's out of the question.
412
00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:51,750
You know, it'd be a real shame
413
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:55,421
if something... oh,
happened to this chair.
414
00:20:57,673 --> 00:21:01,301
But it's been years.
I hardly can remember any of the lines.
415
00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:02,720
Then you'll fit right in.
416
00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:27,995
Bravo!
417
00:21:34,543 --> 00:21:39,506
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
418
00:21:39,507 --> 00:21:40,800
Oh, my.
419
00:21:41,383 --> 00:21:46,596
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
420
00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:48,765
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
421
00:21:48,766 --> 00:21:50,266
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
422
00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:53,771
♪ With those tossed salads
And scrambled eggs ♪
423
00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:57,149
♪ They're callin' again ♪
424
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,110
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
425
00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:02,863
What is a boy to do?
426
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:06,367
Thank you!