Four for 17 on Sunday and he calls himself a quarterback?
I've passed kidney stones with more accuracy.
Hi-yo!
Roz, Roz, listen, would you go in there and get my briefcase for me?
I was on my way out, but I left it in the studio.
Why don't you go get it?
Well, because every time I go in there, he puts me on the air and humiliates me.
Well, what do you think he does to me?
Last week when I went in to get my car keys,
he introduced me as Martina Navratilova's girlfriend.
Well, Chuck, I'm really sorry I offended you.
Now why don't you put your skirt back on and do some dishes?
The lines are open.
And how about some real men calling in instead of crybabies like Chuck?
Ah!
Ah, look who just crawled into the doghouse.
It's Dr. Frasier Crane.
And you know what we always do when we get a house call from the doctor.
Drop your pants and bend over. I take-a your temperature!
Hello, Bulldog.
So, Doc, who's your pick for the Giants/Saints game this weekend?
- The Giants. - You're kidding.
- The Saints. - You're kidding.
Well, somebody has to win.
Yeah, they would if the Giants and Saints were playing this weekend.
Yes, that was very funny indeed.
I wish you'd played it on my show.
It deserves to be heard by a much larger audience.
Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Hello, Daphne.
I brought this for dinner.
- Hey, Niles. - Dad.
Kind of early.
Well, I just put Maris on the train to Chicago,
and you know how desolate I am without my Maris.
Champagne?
It goes with all occasions.
Can I be of any assistance in the kitchen?
Oh, no, I have everything well in hand.
Ah, well, lucky everything.
Mm-mm-mm.
All right, what would you do?
Well, for starters, I'd take the corn nut off the board.
That corn nut's my bishop. Eddie ate the real one.
In that case, corn nut to rook seven.
- Hello, all. - Evening, Dr. Crane.
Guess what your brother brought? Champagne.
Oh, Maris left for Chicago already?
She is riding the rails as we speak.
If I may ask, why does she take the train instead of flying?
She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
Oh, dear, did her plane almost crash?
No, no, she was bumped from first class.
She still wakes up screaming.
Hey, Frasier, I'm glad you're here.
- I have a favor to ask. - What is it, Dad?
Well, my old buddy from the force,
Joe Linsky's running the benefit for the Widows and Orphans' Fund this year,
and he's doing one of those bachelor auctions.
And he's out looking for local celebrities,
and I thought if we could get somebody famous from the radio--
Oh, Dad, say no more. I'd be delighted to help.
Great. So you'll ask Bulldog tomorrow?
Bulldog.
Oh, well, yeah, well, I mean...
I...
Don't get me wrong, I was gonna ask you too.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, yeah, I was. I was. I was just saving the best for last.
Oh, Frasier, give him a break.
If he backpedals any faster, he'll trip over his walker.
All right, I'll do it.
Oh, great. I really appreciate it.
Now, you won't forget to ask Bulldog, will you?
I'll leave a note on his hydrant.
A bachelor auction.
I've always thought it would be fun to pick a man off the block
to do my bidding and fulfill my every desire.
- Dr. Crane? - I'd love to. I mean, I...
Frasier?
I was just thinking. What if no one bids?
What if you're left standing there with flop sweat trickling down your back...
amidst a great gaping silence?
It'll never happen, Niles.
Thank you, Dad.
Yeah, we got a band.
Our next bachelor on the block is public television's own cute
and cuddly Mr. Science.
My God, the estrogen level is off the charts out there.
Yeah, isn't it great?
I mean, deep down, chicks are just like guys.
We all want the same thing.
Well, I've got news for them. Frasier Crane does not put out.
All they're getting for their little donation is a well-prepared gourmet meal
and a handshake at the door.
Boring!
My date gets a stretch limo, moon roof, dinner, floor seats at the Sonics game,
and these incredible buns of steel.
Feel them, Doc.
Come on, feel them.
Thank you, no.
Ladies, please, keep articles of clothing off the stage!
Man, you show these women a little celebrity beefcake and they go Nutso!
I don't mind telling you, I'm a little bit nervous.
This is a textbook case of mob mentality.
I hope the fire exits are clearly marked.
- Oh, relax, relax, will you? - That's easy for you to say.
You're not the one jumping into the Rottweiler pit
with a pork chop around your neck.
Hey, Frasier, that's T.J. Smith. He's a linebacker for the Seahawks.
They call him The Enforcer.
He's put two quarterbacks in the hospital already this season.
Hey, T.J., Marty Crane.
- Nice to meet you. - Number 19.
- Please don't make me go out there. - Oh.
You'll be fine. Don't worry.
Just go on out there and have a good time.
They're gonna have him for breakfast.
- Hey, T.J., how was it, man? - It was horrible.
They're like sharks in a feeding frenzy.
The one who bought me had this crazed look in her eye.
Where do I pay?
Roz!
I saw what I wanted and I went after it.
Stay!
Number 20.
That's me.
You know, son, I haven't had a chance to tell you how much I appreciate this.
You know, having somebody like you in the auction, it really adds class.
My pleasure, Dad.
Now, if the bidding gets slow,
drop a quarter and take a couple of minutes to pick it up.
Sold! To that very determined lady in the back row for $500.
So, Doc, Doc, who bought you?
I have no idea.
The last thing I remember is someone shouting out,
"Shake your moneymaker!"
Number 21.
Ladies, start your engines.
Dr. Crane?
Kristina Harper.
I just bought you.
You? You-- You bought me?
I listen to your show all the time. I'm a big fan of yours.
Well, how...
wonderful.
Uh... You bought me for-- For $500.
- That's a lot of money. - Oh, that's all right.
I just did a big layout for Seattle Style.
Oh, you're a photographer?
- No, I'm a model. - A model!
How wonderful. Uh, for you.
So, um, how about Friday?
Friday's fine. I live at the Elliott Bay Towers on the Counterbalance.
Around 7?
Sounds great.
- See you then. Bye. - Bye.
That's my new owner.
She's a model.
No kidding. She almost put my eye out.
So you're back awfully quick.
Hey, hey, I was one of the last guys out there.
The money was running low.
But there was still one rawhide chew toy out there for the Bulldog.
I gotta take a squirt. When I come back, we'll play fetch.
Oh, my God. Daphne, why?
Things were slowing down so your father asked me to shill.
I opened at 100.
Who knew that would be the only bid?
Kristina, Buona notte!
Hi, Frasier.
Sorry I'm late, but I got a last-minute call for a job.
Oh, that's all right. You're here now, and you look enchanting.
No, you don't understand. The job's tonight.
But, uh, we could have dinner later.
Oh, well, I suppose that's all right.
I hope you didn't go to too much trouble.
Oh, no, no, no.
You rented a restaurant trolley.
No, no, I own it. Don't tell me you don't have one.
There's just one more thing.
My friend Sandy got called in on the same job,
and she was supposed to look after my daughter.
Don't tell me you want me to babysit?
Look, I wouldn't do this, but I'm really in a jam.
Look, Sandy will take her as soon as I get back, and, um,
that'll leave just the two of us.
Look, Kristina, I'm not really sure if I can...
I'll make a lot of points with this, won't I?
A ton.
Bring the darling in.
Dr. Crane, this is my daughter Renata.
Hello.
She's, uh, shy at first.
Oh, there's the elevator. See you later.
Well...
Come on in. Have a seat.
Can I get you a... A soft drink?
Goose liver paté?
Renata, that's a pretty name.
Uh, I suppose it has some sort of poetic significance--
Can I use your phone?
Now, Renata, we're going to be spending the evening together.
Let's try to make the best of it, shall we?
I may surprise you, you know.
I probably am more "with it" than you think I am.
The phone's right there.
No way.
That is so fresh.
No way.
No.
Way.
Hold on, there's another call.
Hello?
He'll call you back.
No way.
- Now, who was that? - I don't know.
No way.
Oh, God, another call's coming in.
Do you mind? I'll take this one. Thank you.
Hello?
It's for you.
Hello?
Hey, Tiffany.
Tiffany? I thought you just spoke to Tiffany.
That was Tiffany Schwartz. This is Tiffany Martinez.
I celebrate the ethnic mosaic that is America, but nonetheless...
What's your damage?
I'll tell you what my damage is, young lady.
You've been on the phone for an hour and a half.
You haven't said a word except to ask for more Cheetos.
They're coming, Eddie!
Excuse me.
Like I'm supposed to be happy I'm here?
Her fabulousness dumps me here with a total stranger
who could be a total perv.
Well, I'm not exactly thrilled about it either, but your mother was in a bind.
For the record, I am not a perv.
You don't get it. She's always doing stuff like this.
She's a flake.
Nonetheless, flake or not, you are in my charge,
and it's time you had something that was a bit more nutritious.
Now, how about, uh, seafood crepes?
Lobster Newburg?
Corn dog dipped in Curare?
You got any raw cookie dough?
Even more lethal. Yes, just come on into the kitchen.
We'll see what we've got.
You know, you wouldn't have gotten
anywhere with her with this gourmet meal routine.
She eats, like, nothing.
She's a total diet freak.
That's all she talks about besides herself.
- You don't care for your mother, do you? - Well, duh.
You know, I have a son.
I'd hate to think that by the time he's your age,
he thinks of me as some sort of a...
Dweeb?
Thank you.
Brace yourself.
Oh, well, look what we have here.
Will one tube suffice?
Cool.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Well, now, Renata, you know...
I am a psychiatrist, and, uh...
if you're having problems with your mother, I'd be glad to listen.
You mean you want me to tell you all my problems like those gomers on your show?
Like you care.
I do care about the gomers.
I even care about you.
Don't make me hurl.
She keeps telling people I'm younger than I am.
Why do you think she does that?
So they won't know how old she is.
I've been nine for the past three years.
- Really? - That's nothing.
Once she promised to take me ice skating for my birthday.
On the way there she saw a tattoo parlor.
So she just left me out on the sidewalk
so she could get a stupid butterfly tattooed on her shoulder.
It's like she forgot I was even out there.
My God, how old were you?
That was the first time I was nine.
What does your father say about all this?
Tony?
He's on the road with Whitesnake all the time.
Whitesnake? Is that a musical group or a pet?
It's his new wife.
I must confess,
I was a little apprehensive about going out with you tonight.
But I'm actually having a jolly time.
Unless, of course, it's the champagne getting to me.
I have had quite a bit, haven't I?
Oh, who cares?
That's the beauty of being in a limo.
Unless, of course, the driver's drinking.
You're not drinking, are you?
He's not drinking.
Oh!
Let's drink to the driver not drinking.
Man, you're really looped. This is great.
Well, that's annoying, isn't it?
It certainly is taking a long time getting out of this parking lot.
Did I mention this was my first basketball game?
Yes, of course I did. Three of four times.
I still can't get over those players.
They are positively gigantic!
Not that being tall is the only measure of a man.
But it's a bloody good one!
Oh, dear, I just insulted you, didn't I?
Sorry.
Oh, well, you can take it. You're a tough little nut!
Oh, dear, this is not good.
Not good at all.
What? You don't like the champagne?
No, I can see the bottom of me glass.
Well, bottoms up!
Oh, you are a naughty boy!
Now, don't go getting any ideas!
Oh, look who I'm saying this to.
You don't have an idea in your head!
I did it again! I insulted you!
Let's drink to that! Boom!
Now, that is downright rude!
Hey, you there! You with the Fire bird!
Yes, you! Stop that honking!
Oh, now, now, just because you look stupid doesn't mean you have to act stupid.
Hey, hey, don't aggravate him. We're kind of pinned in here.
Oh, tosh! Civilization's not going to progress
one iota unless someone points out when people's manners are remiss.
Move it!
Ah, shut your bloody cakehole!
Hey, hey, don't do that!
- Great, he's getting out of his car now. - Ooh, he's a tall one too.
Quick, roll up your window. Lock the door.
Don't be stupid. He's not gonna hurt a woman.
Just roll it up! Roll it up!
Oh, you let him go!
Get your bloody paws off him!
Let him go, you big ugly oaf!
Shut up!
Oh, well, we're moving.
Thank you, Pit Bull.
I had a lovely time.
You know...
this cookie dough is not that bad.
Of course, I'm sure later I'll be hurling.
Ah, that must be Her fabulousness. Wanna take the rest home with you?
I better not.
If I gain an ounce, she goes ballistic.
She makes me weigh in every morning.
You poor thing.
I'm used to it.
Hi, I'm back.
Renata, honey.
Sandy's waiting downstairs in the car.
Renata?
I must say I had a rather enjoyable evening.
You don't get out much, do you?
You know, I think she likes me.
Well, uh, thank you for helping me out.
Now, uh, roll out that trolley.
- I'm starved. - You know, Kristina, I...
I don't think so.
I think you ought to go home, spend the evening with your daughter.
But I thought we had a date.
Well, you know, when we first, uh, met I was...
well, attracted by your remarkable beauty.
But now that I know a bit more about you,
well, suddenly you don't look so good, sister.
Excuse me?
A daughter is a privilege, not an inconvenience.
You don't leave her standing on some street corner while you're inside
getting tattooed.
Or keep her in some ageless never-never land
where everyone is nine forever and ever.
Renata told you I did that.
Yes. She also told me about the morning weigh-ins.
And the time you left her with the coat-check girl at the Palladium
so you could go dancing.
I mean, what kind of an excuse for a mother are you anyway?
Well, did it ever occur to you that she might be lying?
Because this is the first night I've been out in over a year.
God knows John and Marianne never take her.
- Who are they? - Her father and his new wife.
Oh, who are Tony and Whitesnake?
Our two dogs.
Do you know what I do most nights?
I stay home and I help her with her homework.
Or French lessons.
Oh, except last Saturday when I took her
and her 12 friends to an ice skating party.
I don't suppose there's any chance that during that party,
you got your shoulder tattooed?
Do you see anything there? Hmm?
No.
But then my eyes are tearing up.
But why would she lie?
Because she's 12 and she's mad at me.
She wanted to stay home alone, and I wouldn't let her.
I probably would have been better off if I had.
God, some shrink you are.
No, please, don't go. I mean, child development is not my thing.
My specialty is, uh, adult relations.
Well, you won't be having any of those tonight.
Kristina, please don't go. I...
Oh, and, uh, by the way, I only have one kidney.
Guess who has the other.
Is the coast clear?
What happened to the supermodel?
She left.
Oh.
I was kind of afraid I might walk in on an embarrassing moment.
Should have been here half an hour ago.
Well, if your date's left, what are you doing still up?
Oh, I was just thinking.
I was wondering if my...
sweet little boy's gonna turn out to be a monster when he's 12.
What the hell brought that up?
Oh, it's a long story. Do you really want to hear it?
Well, it is getting late.
Look, all kids are the same.
They start out cute, and then somewhere along the way,
they get into that obnoxious,
know-it-all stage and you think they'll never grow out of it.
But eventually they do?
I'm still hoping.
Hello?
Oh, Daphne. How was your evening?
No way!
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
♪ But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're calling again ♪
Good night, Seattle, we love you!