...and though washing one's hands 20 to 30 times a day
would be considered obsessive-compulsive,
please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner.
Thank you for your call, Jeanine.
Roz, whom do we have next?
We have Ethan on line three and he's having a little problem at school.
- Hello, Ethan. I'm listening. - Hi, Dr. Crane.
- How old are you? - I'm 13.
Well, what can I do for you?
I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school.
They're always beating me up.
Why do you think that's so?
Probably because I'm smart.
I have a 160 IQ.
I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
Well, Ethan, you know,
the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity.
I know it doesn't help much right now,
but the day will come in the next few years
when you will have the last laugh.
That's it?
Yes.
Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing,
simplistic, and in all candor, uninspired.
The real surprise here
is that they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
- Ethan, where are you calling from? - Home.
Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening,
you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever.
Thank you for your call.
Well, that's about it for today.
This is Frasier Crane, KACL, talk radio, 780 AM.
Well, Roz, I thought that was a pretty good show, didn't you?
Yeah. Sure. Whatever you say.
You seem a bit distracted there, Roz.
- You got another one of your hot dates? - If you must know, yes.
Pick you up outside in five minutes?
Great. Thanks, Noel.
Noel? Noel Shemp sky from Sales?
That's who your date's with?
Well, it's not a date.
We're just going out for a drink, okay?
Noel the mole?
I know he's not great-looking.
I know he drives a '73 Dodge Polaris.
But he's just always struck me as a really interesting guy.
Mm-hm.
Look, the world is loaded with superficial guys.
You know, I just want to try going out with someone who has a good heart.
He's smart. He's substantial.
And, you know, considering my track record lately,
I would hope you'd support me.
Is that asking too much?
Does Noel still have that autographed picture of Captain Kirk in his cubicle?
Why do I tell you anything?
Knock, knock.
Can I be of any assistance?
Oh, no, thank you, Dr. Crane.
I think I have everything under control.
Well, do you mind if I linger then?
I've always been sort of a kitchen person.
Suit yourself. I like the company.
So how's Dad's therapy going?
Well, we're getting more mobility in his hip
and his flexibility is improving,
but it's always a chore to get him to do his exercises.
Of course, I've found the secret is if I bribe him with sweets, then...
Oh, my goodness!
Dr. Crane.
Dr. Crane, can you get up?
No, no. I think I'd better stay here for a few minutes.
I thought I heard-- Niles, what are you doing?
I'm afraid he conked his head on the hood there.
You are shameless.
I have a very sore head and a crackerjack lawyer,
so don't crowd me.
Here, put this on it.
Oh, thank you. Daphne, you've been wonderful in this time of crisis.
Oh, come on, Camille.
I need to talk to you.
Here, have a seat right here.
Now, listen, Niles. I'm having a young lady over on Friday night.
I was hoping that maybe you could take Dad out for me.
Oh, I wish you'd said Saturday.
- Why, you have plans Friday? - No. I have plans Saturday.
Just tell me that you'll do this for me.
- Oh, all right. - Thank you.
So does this mean you're hoping to get lucky Friday night?
Niles, please, nobody refers to having sex as "getting lucky" anymore.
I do.
Hello, boys.
- Hey, Dad. - Hi, Dad.
Uh, Dad.
I was wondering if you'd be interested in joining Maris and me Friday night.
We're dying to try the new rib joint that's opened on Bellevue Way.
I understand that if the onion rings aren't as big as your head,
you get them for free.
Well, thanks, Niles.
But I thought I'd just spend a quiet evening at home.
Oh, well, then...
Better yet, why don't you come to our house?
We'll make dinner, and we'll even rent an Angie Dickinson film.
Ooh!
All right, what's going on?
Frasier wants me out of here 'cause he's got a date?
I'm sorry, Frasier. He sees things that others don't.
Well, I'm sorry, Dad.
I suppose I should have asked you myself.
Oh, that's all right. I'll clear out.
But just remember, one hand washes the other around here.
What does that mean?
As long as I'm clearing out for you Friday night,
you clear out for me Thursday night.
I've got a date with Elaine Morris in 1412.
Well, well, well. How long has this been going on?
Well, she's had me over for coffee a couple of times.
I just thought I'd like to have her over here for dinner.
Niles, wipe that stupid smirk off your face.
- What do you say, Frasier? - Well, sure, Dad. I think that's terrific.
Oh, listen. If there's a lull in the conversation,
we've got all kinds of board games back here in the closet.
We've got playing cards. Does she like to play canasta?
Oh, and PBS is running a wonderful documentary
- on the swing bands of the '30s and '40s. - Oh, wow! Yeah.
Well, thanks a lot for all your help, boys,
but I think we'll just split a bowl of creamed corn,
rub a little liniment into each other's joints,
and fall asleep drooling on the couch.
- Morning, Daphne. - Good morning, Dr. Crane.
I want to thank you again for the show last night.
I've never been to experimental theater before.
Oh, don't mention it. It was my pleasure.
I think I understood most of it.
Only, what did it mean when the naked man came in carrying a suitcase?
Well, I think it meant that he'd packed too much.
Well, I'm sure your father appreciated having us out of the house.
What is that heavenly aroma?
I decided to prepare us a traditional English breakfast.
- We have eggs... - Mm-hm.
...bangers, or as you call them, sausages,
and to finish it off,
a batch of Grammy Moon's famous sticky buns.
Oh, my. That's it.
Grammy made these every Sunday.
Of course, she added a pint of rum to the recipe.
And nobody liked these more than Grammy herself.
Many's the Sunday I'd head over to her house after church,
only to find her out in the garden in her wedding dress,
face down in the birdbath.
- Morning. - Well, morning, Dad.
So, uh, how was your date last night?
Huh, boy, it feels strange a son asking his father how his date was last night...
when he could ask the date herself.
Uh, Elaine, this is Daphne Moon and my son, Frasier Crane.
- This is Elaine Morris. - Yes, hello.
- So... So it's a pleasure to meet you. - Yes.
It's, uh...
I know that Dad's wanted to have you for a long time.
- I mean for dinner. - Yes. Well, I certainly enjoyed it.
But, you know, Martin, I really should be going.
Oh, no. You should at least stay for breakfast, shouldn't she, Frasier?
- Oh, yes, absolutely. - Well, I guess I could stay for coffee.
Splendid, splendid, splendid.
What did you two kids do last night? Did you play some games?
Well, I mean, board games.
Well, not that you were bored, or excited.
Well, not that I'd know anything or should,
but, uh, warm buns, Elaine?
No, no, no, not yours.
I mean, ours, ours, to eat, you see, you see.
Here, I'll have one.
- Oh. Mm. Warm. - Oh.
- Why don't we go sit at the table? - Okay.
- What the hell's wrong with you? - I don't know.
Well, uh, Frasier, you know, I really love your radio show.
My friends and I listen to it almost every day.
Oh, thank you. That's always lovely to hear.
Elaine's a buyer at Bon Marc he.
Oh, really, really? I do a great deal of shopping there.
You know, as a matter of fact I bought the comforter on Dad's bed there.
Well, I suppose you noticed that. Well, or...
Maybe you didn't. I don't know if you had the lights on or...
I mean, I don't know how you like it.
I mean, well, how you... light it.
Well, how you like to light it.
Uh... Oh, banger, Dad?
You know, I really should be going.
I've got to get ready for work.
It was nice meeting you, Daphne, and, uh, Frasier.
Thanks for a lovely evening, Martin.
- I'll call you later. - Yeah.
You couldn't have served bacon?
Me?
The way you were carrying on,
I think we can be thankful I didn't make toad in a hole.
Well, you handled that smoothly, Dr. Crane.
I'm sorry, Dad.
It just really caught me off guard.
Oh, that's okay. I ought to apologize.
I should have warned you, but...
But I really didn't think it was gonna happen.
Pretty glad it did.
So you like Elaine?
I like Elaine.
So, Dad...
Yeah, yeah.
You're back on the beat.
All right.
- All right. - Lock up your daughters.
- Yeah. Okay. Okay. - Oh, come on, you old--
Frasier, don't push it.
We have Mary Ann on line four.
She's concerned about her daughter.
Hello, Mary Ann.
- I'm listening. - Kids!
You can't live with them, you can't shove them back in the womb.
Well, as we try to forget the image that summons up...
how can I help you, Mary Ann?
Well, two days ago, Judy, my 22-year-old,
arrived home for a visit with her boyfriend.
I insisted that they sleep in separate bedrooms.
She got furious with me and she's been giving me dirty looks all week.
- Am I completely out of line here? - Not at all.
I think that, uh, in your own house you make up the rules.
- Thank you. - But...
Are we sure there isn't something else going on here?
Perhaps you're having a problem thinking of your daughter as an adult.
You see, we all have a tendency
to freeze people in roles with which we are most comfortable.
Especially when it comes to that old bugaboo, sex.
You know, let me use myself as an example.
Um, as many of you know,
my 63-year-old father recently moved in with me,
and this morning, over coffee,
I discovered that he had spent the night in his room
with a delightful creature named Elaine.
Well, the entire episode completely unnerved me.
Why?
Because I had never thought of my father as a man with normal sexual urges.
To me, he was always just plain old Dad.
Well, that's absurd.
I mean, my father is a witty, virile, charming man,
possessed with the hereditary Crane good looks.
I suppose what I'm driving at
is that sexuality is a healthy part of adulthood at any age.
I think it's time that we embraced that, don't you, Mary Ann?
Sorry, Dr. Crane, I've gotta go.
I'm hearing noises from the guest room.
Well, as Mary Ann rushes to the guest room with a bucket of ice water,
we will pause for these messages.
Hey, Frasier. That was a really good show.
Well, thank you. I thought so too.
Hi, Dr. Crane. Hi, Roz.
Hi, Noel.
- I had a great time last night. - Me too.
I made you this spice rack.
I specially treated the back for easy wall adhesion.
That was very thoughtful of you, Noel.
Well, um, I gotta run. I'll call you later.
Live long and prosper.
Oh, look, there's a place for cumin.
Most people overlook that.
Just kill me.
I don't understand it.
Why would he say something like that on the radio?
Did you know, when you get angry, your ears turn red?
See? There they go.
Evening everyone.
I'll be going to me room right now.
Hello, Eddie.
Well, I seem to have cleared the room.
- I wanna talk to you, mister. - Uh-oh.
Sounds like someone's being taken out behind the woodshed.
Don't tempt me.
Where do you get off talking about my personal life
on your radio program?
Are you discussing what I said about you and Elaine?
You're damn right I am. I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
- Dad, everything I said was flattering. - Oh, yeah.
Telling all of Seattle about your old dad shacking up with the neighbor lady.
Come on, you old swordsman. I thought you'd get a kick out of it.
Knock it off, Frasier.
Thanks to you, Elaine won't even talk to me anymore.
What for? Just because of a harmless remark I made on the radio?
Hey, for your information, people of our generation
think that sex is a private thing.
And I still think that's a pretty healthy way of looking at it.
Sex is something between you and the person you're doing it to.
Well, don't you-- Don't you think she's overreacting a little?
Put yourself in her place.
She takes a chance and spends the night with me.
Next thing she knows, it's being broadcast all over Seattle.
I mean, her friends heard it and called her.
She's so embarrassed she hasn't been out all day.
She won't even answer the phone now.
- I'm sorry, Dad. - Your sympathy touches me.
Well, look, look. I caused the problem, and I will take care of it.
Yeah, well, I'll be in my room holding my breath.
I said I'd take care of it.
I hate my voice.
I mean, I know no one likes the sound of their own voice,
especially when they hear it on tape
because it doesn't sound as good as it does in their own head,
but I hate my voice in my head too.
You can't get away from your own voice either, you know.
I've tried not listening to myself when I talk.
But I find myself kind of saying things that don't make a lot of sense.
I hate my voice so much, I had to call a neighbor in
to do the message on my answering machine.
I don't like his voice very much either, but it's better than mine.
Not that I get a lot of calls either.
Well, you go figure.
Any advice, Dr. Crane?
Oh, yes, yes. Just, uh, go on with what you're doing
and, uh, everything should turn out all right.
Thank you for your call.
Now, I'd like to end today's show on something of a personal note.
I'm talking to one person in my audience.
Elaine.
You wouldn't answer my phone calls. You wouldn't come to the door.
So I hope you're listening.
And if you are, I want to apologize for what I said on the radio.
I took something that was of a private nature
and turned it into public knowledge.
I promise I will never do that again. Well, except for this time.
Then I promise I'll never do it again.
You see, the saddest thing is, Elaine, that, uh...
Dad is paying for my mistake.
Elaine...
Martin cares for you and he misses you very much.
More than anything in the world he'd like to be back together with you.
And if you feel for him the way he feels for you,
I hope you'll find it in your heart
to come to my place tonight at 8:00 for dinner.
A very romantic dinner.
Thanks, Elaine.
This is KACL 780 AM, talk radio,
and I'm Frasier Crane,
the love doctor.
♪ Moon River... ♪
Ah, well, the champagne's chilled.
Platter of hors d'oeuvres. How are things in the kitchen?
The roast is out of the oven. It looks beautiful.
God, I hope this works, Daphne.
Well, I've been sending Elaine psychic messages all day.
You're kidding. You can transmit?
I thought you were just a receiver.
Well, I'm giving it a try.
You know, "Elaine in 1410, come to dinner, come to dinner."
That's very charming, Daphne, but Elaine's in 1412.
Oh, dear.
I guess I'd better set an extra place at the table then.
Ah, look. It's 8:00, and I'm still a pumpkin.
Dad, it is two minutes to 8. Why don't you just sit down and relax?
Oh, this is stupid.
She probably didn't even hear your show.
Does this tie go with the jacket?
You look smashing.
Who the hell am I kidding? She's not gonna show up.
I don't know why I even...
May I just suggest we skip the first course, which is crow,
and move directly into the hors d'oeuvres?
Just shut up and answer the door.
Excuse me, is this the Crane residence?
Yes, it is.
Well, we've been waiting here for the last 15 minutes.
Did Elaine show up, or did we miss her?
Who are all you people?
We heard your show today.
Oh, it was so romantic.
We all have our fingers crossed.
- That's very kind. - I'm Marjorie from down on 11.
- Hello, Marjorie. - And this is Norman.
- Hello, Norman. - The rest of these people, I don't know.
Nice to see you.
Tony. Tony, What are you doing here?
Shouldn't you be watching the door?
Don't worry. We're all locked in.
I have got to find out how this ends, doc.
What's going on out here?
Oh, is this Martin?
People. People, please. Don't you have lives of your own?
- For God's sake. Please scoot. Scat. - What's happening here?
It's a private situation.
That's her.
Oh, my God!
- Please, please, come out here. - No. I'm going home.
Dad. Dad, you come in here.
All right, now, everybody back off.
Just back off. Just give us some time.
- Please. Please. - I knew I should never have come up here.
- Nothing's changed. - Please let me try to explain.
- You've done enough. - Oh, Dad, please.
Frasier, over there.
I... Dad!
Turn around.
Ah!
Look, Elaine, I'm sorry about what happened.
You've got every right to be mad.
But I thought what we had was pretty good.
And thanks to radio boy here, I think most of Seattle agrees with me.
I'd sure hate us to lose it just because of one stupid thing.
Come on, Elaine.
I had a great time on our date the other night.
You don't feel the same way?
You may not remember, but I have warm toes.
Anyway, it's your choice.
But I sure wish you'd come and have dinner with me.
Who said you could turn around?
Look. It's coming back up.
Aw!
All right, everyone. You had your fun. Show's over.
Nothing more to see. Go back to your homes.
Yes, please, folks. Honor what the man says.
Thank you so much for coming. Thank you for your concern.
Thank you so much.
Let's expedite this departure, please, if you would.
Thank you so much.
Goodbye.
Well, I suppose we should give them their privacy.
Yes, yes, I suppose you're right.
Mm.
It's ironic, isn't it?
My 63-year-old father with a bum hip
is about to embark on a night of romance
while the two of us, man and woman,
both attractive and eligible and in the prime of our lives
with nothing to do on a Saturday night.
Mm.
You know, the answer to our problems might be right under our noses.
Yes, Daphne, I think it is.
All right, you go claim the washing machines.
I'll go get the laundry.
Right.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy!
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those toss salads And scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Thank you!