1 00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,004 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:11,887 [Frasier] I'd like to take this opportunity 3 00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:14,556 to wish you all the very, very best of holidays. 4 00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:16,558 Like many of you, I'll be spending the time 5 00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:18,810 in the loving embrace of my family, 6 00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:22,773 which should give us all plenty to talk about in the new year. [chuckles] 7 00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:28,362 Meantime, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780, talk radio. 8 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:30,572 Come on, Frasier. 9 00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:33,325 There's a gin-and-tonic out there with my name on it. 10 00:00:33,325 --> 00:00:36,161 You can tell Father Mike's had a few. 11 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:38,330 He's trying to get everyone to re-enact the Nativity scene. 12 00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:42,251 Well, we know who he can get to play the ass. 13 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,003 [barks] 14 00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:47,256 - I'm wearing her down. - [chuckles] 15 00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:49,049 - Who's that for? - It's for Roz. 16 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:53,011 "Amazing trick microphone. Squirts water." Nice, yeah. 17 00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:54,137 It's a gag. 18 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:55,639 We agreed not to exchange gifts. 19 00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:59,476 Listen, doc, I'm scheduled to do the noon-to-four slot on Christmas. 20 00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:00,352 No. 21 00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:03,855 But, doc, my whole family is getting together in Chicago 22 00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,148 for the first time in five years. 23 00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,858 I am touched, and I don't care. 24 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:10,070 But my-- My sister and her new baby... 25 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:10,988 Listen, Bulldog, 26 00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:13,448 my son Frederick is flying in tomorrow afternoon 27 00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:14,825 to spend the holidays with me. 28 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,452 Now, I've never looked so forward to a Christmas since I was, uh... 29 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,204 well, your size. 30 00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:22,583 [yelling] Did you tell him yet, Bulldog? 31 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,042 Dave, you don't have to yell. 32 00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:26,461 You're not up in the chopper giving us a traffic report. 33 00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:27,921 [yelling] I was yelling? 34 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,507 Hey, doc, you know, uh, Bonnie Weems, right? 35 00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:33,510 Well, I don't actually know her, but she does the auto show, right? 36 00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,512 Right. Bonnie tends to drink 37 00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:37,681 a little more than she should at these parties. 38 00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:40,934 So the newest on-air personality always drives her home. 39 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:41,852 That's you, rookie. 40 00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:43,645 Oh, that sounds like a good tradition. 41 00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:44,980 I'd be delighted to drive her home. 42 00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:46,648 She'll be delighted to hear that. 43 00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:48,650 [both laughing] 44 00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:52,446 Merry Christmas. 45 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:58,952 - Merry Christmas, Dr. Crane. - Oh, Merry Christmas, Elizabeth. 46 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:02,205 - I baked you some sugar cookies. - Oh, well, how sweet of you. 47 00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:03,749 Sweets from the sweet. 48 00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:06,001 Would you by any chance happen to know 49 00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:07,961 who's driving Bonnie Weems home tonight? 50 00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,630 Yes. I am. And maybe you can tell me why-- 51 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:12,174 Hey, everybody, it's the doc! 52 00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:14,134 [all laughing] 53 00:02:18,597 --> 00:02:22,059 Roz, would you mind telling me why everyone breaks into hysterics 54 00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:23,894 whenever I say that I'm driving Bonnie Weems home? 55 00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:26,188 - [laughing] - Oh, what is that? 56 00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:30,901 Well, Bonnie Weems is kind of an office legend. 57 00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:32,611 She gets a couple of drinks under her belt, 58 00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:33,945 and she gets a little amorous, 59 00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:36,281 and she will not take no for an answer. 60 00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:38,325 Oh, is that all? I'm a big boy. 61 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:40,118 I can take care of myself. 62 00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:41,244 Okay. 63 00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:42,287 Oh, now listen, Roz, Roz. 64 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:44,247 I know we promised not to, but I couldn't help it. 65 00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:47,000 - I was out shopping-- - Oh, no. Don't worry, Frasier. 66 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,669 - I couldn't help myself either. - Oh, no. 67 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,128 - Really? - Yes. 68 00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:51,296 Great. 69 00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:53,173 - Merry Christmas. - Oh, Roz. 70 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,633 - Go on. - You shouldn't have. 71 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,093 - Open yours first. - This is just... 72 00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:00,514 Oh, Roz. 73 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,599 Roz, you really shouldn't have. 74 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:11,608 - Now it's my turn. - Oh, no, no, no. 75 00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:14,695 Maybe you should just think about keeping that under the tree. 76 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,321 Oh, me wait to open a Christmas present? 77 00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:17,239 Yeah, right. 78 00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:23,370 Oh, my God. It's great. 79 00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:28,083 It's great because I'm in radio. 80 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:30,085 That's what I was going for. Yes. 81 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,796 Well, thanks a million, Frasier. 82 00:03:32,796 --> 00:03:35,465 Have a happy holiday, and I'll see you next week. 83 00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:36,425 Okay. 84 00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:38,135 - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. 85 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,305 [woman] Dr. Crane? 86 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:44,599 - Yes. - I'm Bonnie Weems. 87 00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:47,060 Well, hello. It's a pleasure to meet you. 88 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,353 I'll be driving you home tonight. 89 00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:51,148 - I'm sorry to put you out. - Oh, it's no problem at all. 90 00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:52,649 I'll tell you what. Go enjoy the party. 91 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,234 Let me know when you're ready to go. 92 00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:57,404 I'm ready now, baby. 93 00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:23,013 [door opens] 94 00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:27,893 - Hello, Frasier. - Oh, hello, Niles. 95 00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:31,104 Merry Christmas. To what do I owe this occasion? 96 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,355 Oh, nothing. 97 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:35,567 Just stopped by to get an opinion on a gift I was considering for Maris. 98 00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:39,654 Well, it pinches a bit under the arms, but you be the judge. 99 00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:40,947 Oh, hello, Dr. Crane. 100 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:43,992 Daphne. 101 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:46,870 Shall I put the little red one back on so you can make your choice? 102 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:53,877 I think Niles has all the information he needs. Thank you. 103 00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:55,378 Fair enough. 104 00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:08,975 You know, Maris and Daphne are roughly the same size. 105 00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:11,102 Give or take a foot. 106 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:16,316 Hey, Frasier, where you been? 107 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,527 Well, I... After the Christmas party, 108 00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:22,864 I poured a colleague into a cab, said a quick prayer for the driver, 109 00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:26,493 dislodged the wedgie of a lifetime... 110 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,704 then I did a bit of last-minute Christmas shopping. 111 00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:30,664 Niles, some sherry? 112 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:31,915 - Thank you. - [Frasier] You know, 113 00:05:31,915 --> 00:05:35,043 Santa Claus is gonna be very, very good to Frederick this year. 114 00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:36,753 By the way, Bulldog called a couple of times. 115 00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,130 He wanted to know if you'd take his slot on Christmas Day. 116 00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:41,132 I already told him no. 117 00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:43,051 How long will that man nag me? 118 00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,512 Dad, what are you doing with that? 119 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:48,598 - I'm gonna hang it on the front door. - Yeah, but it's plastic. 120 00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:50,767 Of course it's plastic. 121 00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:53,562 You think a real one would have lasted since 1967? 122 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,483 Here you go. 123 00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:00,694 Oh, I'm glad to be out of that black one. 124 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,071 I had to take me undies off just to get the zipper up. 125 00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:05,282 - [glass shatters] - Oh, dear. Let me get that. 126 00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:10,954 [phone ringing] 127 00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:16,960 Hello. 128 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,003 Oh, hi. 129 00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:20,463 Frasier, it's for you. It's the nag. 130 00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:21,423 Oh, Lord. 131 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,259 Listen, Bulldog, I already told you-- 132 00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:26,344 Oh. Oh, hello, Lilith. 133 00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:31,224 Yeah, well, maybe I should, uh... 134 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,851 I'll take this in the bedroom. 135 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:38,023 Niles? Uh, everything's all set for tomorrow, right? 136 00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:40,650 Yes, yes. Maris and I are driving up to the cabin tonight. 137 00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:43,486 We'll expect you and Frasier and Frederick tomorrow around noon. 138 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,280 Oh, I wish I was coming with you. 139 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:46,323 So do I. 140 00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:50,785 [indistinct arguing over phone] 141 00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:53,121 Oh, shut the hell up, will you? 142 00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:57,125 Daphne. Daphne, you should come. 143 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:59,044 We have the most wonderful traditional Christmas. 144 00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:00,670 It's an actual log cabin, 145 00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:03,590 with actual deer grazing through the snow in our front yard. 146 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:06,343 Of course, Maris fires off her shotgun from time to time 147 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:09,304 to scare them away from our garbage, but still, it's enchanting. 148 00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:11,222 Yeah. You sure you can't come, Daph? 149 00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:15,352 No, I promised me Uncle Jackie I'd fly down to San Francisco to be with him. 150 00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:18,063 Well, I guess you should be with your family at this time of year. 151 00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:19,147 It's more traditional. 152 00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:21,733 Except that Jackie's a transvestite. 153 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:26,780 Getting a bit long in the tooth for it too, if you ask me. 154 00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:31,618 Thanksgiving he ate too much turkey and I had to cut him out of his pantyhose. 155 00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:35,956 Well, Merry Christmas, everybody. 156 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,624 Lilith isn't sending Frederick. 157 00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:38,541 What? Why not? 158 00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:41,586 Oh, apparently he has this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity 159 00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,254 for an incredible Christmas. 160 00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:46,466 A friend of hers has rented a home in Austria. 161 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,051 What's the matter with the good old U.S.A.? 162 00:07:48,051 --> 00:07:51,012 Well, apparently it's the same house they filmed The Sound of Music in, 163 00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:52,973 and that happens to be Freddy's favorite movie. 164 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:56,518 And Julie Andrews is singing with the Salzburg Choral. 165 00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:58,478 They're having dinner with her afterwards. 166 00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:02,440 And some nonsense about a horse-driven sleigh ride through the snow, 167 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,441 and a toboggan. 168 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:05,402 And a balloon trip through the Alps. 169 00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:06,903 And apparently, on their way back, 170 00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:09,864 they're gonna spend an entire day at Euro Disneyland. 171 00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:15,078 Well, up at the cabin, there's an old stump 172 00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:17,330 that the local children seem to enjoy kicking. 173 00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,003 You know you have to let him go. 174 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,130 Of course I have to let him go. 175 00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,173 Thank you for pointing out that you know what's right. 176 00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:28,633 I was just making sure you did. 177 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,176 Oh, how would I ever live without you? 178 00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:32,721 Now, now, boys, that's enough. 179 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:35,265 Dr. Crane, you're being a good father letting Frederick go. 180 00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:36,182 [Niles] That's right. 181 00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:37,726 It doesn't have to ruin your Christmas. 182 00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:40,311 Yeah, come on. Let's finish decorating the Christmas tree. 183 00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:42,480 I brought up the good lights from the storage room. 184 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,482 Oh, Dad, I don't wanna use those lights this year. 185 00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:46,860 I picked up these just yesterday. 186 00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:48,778 Chili peppers? 187 00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:52,115 Well, yes, they're very fashionable. 188 00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:53,950 Chili peppers aren't Christmas. 189 00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:56,453 Well, for that matter, neither are Scotch pines or snow ornaments. 190 00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:59,289 If you want to be technical, Bethlehem was in the desert. 191 00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:02,459 Fine. Why don't we just decorate a palm tree? 192 00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,544 I don't need your sarcasm. 193 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,629 But I always use those lights. 194 00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:09,007 Dad, Dad, this is my house. These are my decorations. 195 00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:11,509 Just once, can I have one thing the way I want it this Christmas? 196 00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:12,427 Wait a minute. 197 00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:14,429 You're upset about Freddy. Don't take it out on me. 198 00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:15,722 Oh, now you're the psychiatrist? 199 00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:18,475 Oh, I give up. Go ahead. Decorate the thing. 200 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:19,809 Use your chili peppers. 201 00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:20,977 Oh, I don't want them anymore. 202 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,854 No, go ahead. Use them. 203 00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:26,107 Maybe we could hang a few radishes, put a nice broccoli on top. 204 00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:30,862 I hope you two aren't going to be behaving this way up at the cabin. 205 00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:32,947 Oh, we won't. 'Cause I'm not going to the cabin. 206 00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:33,865 What do you mean? 207 00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:35,700 - Where are you going? - I'm staying right here. 208 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:38,328 - You can't stay alone on Christmas. - I decided to fill in for Bulldog. 209 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,830 - Somebody will have a merry Christmas. - Well, Merry Christmas! 210 00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:42,373 - Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas! 211 00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:43,833 Merry Christmas! 212 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,342 Roz, Roz, I'm sorry. 213 00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,636 I didn't realize that when I volunteered to work on Christmas, 214 00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:56,679 that I would ruin your plans for the day. 215 00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:59,390 - Please don't be mad. - Mad? What for? 216 00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:02,852 My mother just flew in from Wisconsin to be here with me today, 217 00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:06,648 but instead, I'm back in this stinking hellhole on Christmas Day, 218 00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:10,318 when only the loneliest, most depressed people on the planet would ever call in. 219 00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:12,695 But look how nice you made yourself look for me. 220 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:17,408 Well, Roz, try to see this thing from my position. 221 00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,869 I couldn't see my son, I had a terrible fight with my father, 222 00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:21,454 and I was facing a horrible Christmas. 223 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,456 And then I thought, you know, well, maybe 224 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:26,042 if by trying to help other people through their troubles, 225 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:27,168 it might get me through mine. 226 00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:29,087 I think if we really try hard, 227 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:32,132 we can maybe have the best Christmas we've ever had. 228 00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:34,467 What do you say? 229 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:37,178 Okay, I'm not mad. Get ready. 230 00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,972 I need a hug to prove we're still friends. 231 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,765 - Frasier, I am not hugging you. - Come on. 232 00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,267 No. You're grungy. 233 00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:43,476 Come to Papa. 234 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,812 - Hug, hug, hug, hug. - All right. 235 00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:48,189 Yuck, we're friends. Now get ready. You're on. 236 00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:58,199 Merry Christmas, Seattle. 237 00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:00,827 Yes, this is Dr. Frasier Crane coming to you on Christmas Day. 238 00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:04,122 Christmas, that very magical time of the year, 239 00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:08,877 when each moment is as unique as a snowflake, never to be recreated. 240 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,088 I'm sorry. The news went over. You're gonna have to do that again. 241 00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:16,342 Merry Christmas, Seattle. 242 00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:18,803 [Frasier] Well, as we head into our second hour, 243 00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:21,556 I'd like to lighten things up a bit. 244 00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:24,684 Although, Ned, we were certainly glad to hear from you, 245 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,353 and how you got mugged on your way home from the soup kitchen. 246 00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:29,898 Roz, who's next? 247 00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,733 We have Don on line five. 248 00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:34,986 He wants to tell us about a time when he was filled with the Christmas spirit. 249 00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:37,906 It's about time. Hello, Don. 250 00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:40,867 [Don] Hello, Dr. Crane. Something happened to me yesterday 251 00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:43,912 that kind of sums up why we call this the season of giving. 252 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:47,248 Well, then swaddle me in Christmas cheer. 253 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,918 Okay, well, see, I was driving home from the gym, 254 00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:51,044 and I suddenly realized 255 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:54,631 I had left my favorite old pair of sneakers on the roof of the car. 256 00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:56,925 So I looked back, and there's this homeless guy. 257 00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,886 And he'd already picked them up, and he's putting them on. 258 00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:02,347 So I just thought, "What the hell?" And I kept driving. 259 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,898 So your experience of the Christmas spirit 260 00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:15,276 would be that you didn't slam the car into reverse, 261 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,361 speed back there, 262 00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:19,739 and rip a pair of smelly old sneakers out of a homeless man's hands? 263 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:21,866 Well, Roz, this is special. 264 00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:24,202 I think we've got Santa Claus himself on the line. 265 00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:28,039 [man] I'm sorry. That was the last time. 266 00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:29,791 I'm okay now. I'm really okay. 267 00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:34,045 [sobbing] No, I'm not. I am not. 268 00:12:34,045 --> 00:12:35,380 Barry, listen. 269 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:38,132 I've got to put you on hold for a bit while you pull yourself together. 270 00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:40,176 But, please, please stay on the line. 271 00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:42,136 I'd really like to help you. 272 00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:44,639 It's all right. I think I've got a hold of myself. 273 00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:48,059 [sobbing] No, I don't. 274 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:54,107 [woman] So, you see, Dr. Crane, I've fallen in the shower so many times, 275 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,693 they can't fit any more pins in my hip. 276 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:04,075 Gladys, Gladys, listen, can I put you on hold for a second? 277 00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:05,743 There's somebody else I have to check on. 278 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:08,329 How's it going there, Barry? 279 00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:09,914 [Barry sobbing] 280 00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,085 My sentiments exactly. 281 00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,339 [man] It still traumatizes me, Dr. Crane. 282 00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:22,218 I wake up nights and I remember that Christmas morning. 283 00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:23,803 I walked into my mother's bedroom, 284 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:27,473 tears running down my face, and I said, "Mommy, Mommy, 285 00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:30,977 the puppy Santa gave me won't wake up." 286 00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:36,316 Okay, Tom. 287 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:41,070 You win the prize for the saddest Christmas story we've heard today. 288 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:43,614 Happy holidays. 289 00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:47,744 Roz. 290 00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:52,332 Roz. Roz. 291 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:55,668 - [sobbing] - Oh, have you been crying, Roz? 292 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,129 Just for the last hour. 293 00:13:58,129 --> 00:14:00,965 Oh. Oh, listen, why don't you just go home, honey? 294 00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:02,759 I can take over for the next two hours. 295 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:05,136 - But you can't do this on your own. - Oh, sure I can. 296 00:14:05,136 --> 00:14:06,637 Go home, be with your mom. 297 00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:09,390 Won't it even be sadder with you here all by yourself? 298 00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:10,975 I don't think that's possible. 299 00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:14,854 Well, if you really mean it, then I'll go. 300 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:15,980 - I mean it. - [sniffles] 301 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:20,443 But, Frasier, promise me one thing. 302 00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:22,445 Don't sit here and get more depressed. 303 00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:24,614 You'll see your little boy again soon. 304 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,158 - I know I will. - Okay. 305 00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:28,242 Hug, hug, hug. 306 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,456 Merry Christmas. [sobbing] 307 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,208 [Frasier] Hi, we're back. 308 00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:37,627 Well, you know what? 309 00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:40,463 I realize it's been a pretty tough day out there for most of you, and, uh... 310 00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:45,009 I'd like to hear now from someone who's having a good Christmas. 311 00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:46,761 Uh... 312 00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:50,223 You know, someone who's maybe learned a way to beat the holiday blues. 313 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:51,057 How about it? 314 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,434 Well, let's take our first call here. 315 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,937 Hello, you're on the air. 316 00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:57,355 [man] Hello, Dr. Crane. 317 00:14:57,355 --> 00:15:00,108 - This is Jeff. - Hello, Jeff. Merry Christmas. 318 00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:03,861 Well, Merry Christmas to you. I used to get depressed on Christmas. 319 00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:06,614 And then I found a surefire way to beat it. 320 00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:10,493 I pop my favorite movie, The Sound of Music, in the VCR. 321 00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:15,748 Watching Julie Andrews lead those adorable little tykes 322 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,583 through the streets of Salzburg, 323 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,252 nobody could be depressed. 324 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,461 I mean, nobody. 325 00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:25,341 Jeff, are you a betting man? 326 00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:28,886 Well, we're just about out of time. 327 00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:31,556 My, my, this day has flown by. 328 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:36,394 I'd like to wish all of you happy revelers out there a Merry Christmas. 329 00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:37,353 And for the rest of you, 330 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:40,356 why don't you go out and treat yourself to something special? 331 00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:43,025 Personally, I'm gonna go get myself a meal 332 00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:45,278 at one of Seattle's fine eateries. 333 00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:49,073 I don't know where, but I promise you one thing, 334 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,492 it'll have a liquor license. 335 00:15:54,036 --> 00:15:55,496 Just kidding. Heh. 336 00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:56,622 Don't drink and drive. 337 00:15:57,123 --> 00:16:03,087 This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780, talk radio. 338 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:09,719 [sighs] 339 00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,138 [chattering] 340 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,401 Thank you. 341 00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:39,749 [waitress] Merry Christmas. 342 00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:41,542 Welcome to Lou's. 343 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:44,170 Thank you. 344 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,130 I'm sure glad you're open. 345 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,925 All the other places in town are either closed or all booked up. 346 00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,968 That's what makes us so special. 347 00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,430 I can bring you a menu, 348 00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:57,725 but almost everybody's having the Christmas platter. 349 00:16:57,725 --> 00:17:00,228 That's a turkey log with mashed potatoes. 350 00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:02,230 Then yule log for dessert. 351 00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:06,609 How much more appetizing food always becomes when you add the word "log." 352 00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:11,697 I'll just have the Christmas platter. 353 00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:12,865 Platter! 354 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:16,244 How you doin'? 355 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:17,954 Okay. 356 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,331 You having a merry Christmas? 357 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,833 Now that you ask, no, I'm not. 358 00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:25,336 Can't be with my son. 359 00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:29,340 Had a terrible argument over something stupid with my father. 360 00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:31,968 - That's why I'm alone. - Oh. 361 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:33,594 How about you? 362 00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:35,721 Pretty good, actually. 363 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:38,474 Just yesterday, I was crossing the street, 364 00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:41,978 and this beautiful pair of sneakers flew off the back of a car 365 00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:43,563 and landed on my feet. 366 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,064 [laughs] 367 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:47,066 Merry Christmas. 368 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:50,403 Here you go. 369 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:54,907 Well, the chef didn't exactly dally over the remoulade, did he? 370 00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:01,789 Hey, Tim. 371 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:03,416 Merry Christmas. 372 00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:06,210 Hey, Bill. Same to you. Glad you could make it. 373 00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:07,753 Well, I wouldn't miss this. 374 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,297 How's that turkey platter? 375 00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:10,715 Good as last year's? 376 00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:12,883 I'm not sure this isn't last year's. 377 00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:15,469 - [coughs] - Huh? 378 00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:18,598 Listen, I'm done here. Go ahead and take this seat. 379 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,433 - Oh, geez, thanks, pal. - You bet. 380 00:18:26,814 --> 00:18:27,732 Oh, no. 381 00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:28,816 Excuse me, miss. 382 00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:30,901 Uh, something rather embarrassing has just happened. 383 00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:33,237 I seem to have lost my wallet. 384 00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:34,572 You mean you can't pay? 385 00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:37,325 Oh, no. I can pay. I can pay. 386 00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:39,660 - I must have left it at the office. - [waitress] Uh-huh. 387 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:41,287 Well, I could just go back there and get it. 388 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:42,705 [Tim] Lou, it's all right. 389 00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:43,914 This one's on me. 390 00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:46,667 Oh, no, no, no. You don't understand. I... I... 391 00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:49,420 It's okay, buddy. We've all been there. 392 00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:51,672 Yes, but you see, I really did misplace my wallet. 393 00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:52,840 I know you did. 394 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:56,636 And Bill here misplaced his Wall Street portfolio. [laughs] 395 00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:00,681 - Here, Bill, help me out. - Oh. 396 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:03,976 - Oh, no, no, no. - Hey, everybody. 397 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,519 - People. - No, that's not necessary. 398 00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:08,773 Come on, let's help a poor man get a nice Christmas dinner. 399 00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:09,982 - Come on. - No, no, please. 400 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,901 - Anything. It doesn't matter. - You don't understand. 401 00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,319 Even pennies. 402 00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:16,197 - I make a very decent living. I really do. - Thank you very much. 403 00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:18,574 - Merry Christmas. - This is not necessary. 404 00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:22,328 Well, I must say, I've never been so touched in my life. 405 00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:25,456 To think that you people would give up your money, 406 00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:29,669 which you can ill afford, to help out a fellow human being. 407 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:30,628 There you go, Lou. 408 00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:32,380 Gee, I'm... 409 00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:34,590 I'm still so embarrassed. 410 00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:36,300 Don't be embarrassed. 411 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,468 Look at it this way. 412 00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:40,179 The rest of the year belongs to the rich people 413 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:43,891 with their fancy houses and expensive foreign cars. 414 00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:46,852 But Christmas... 415 00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:50,314 Christmas belongs to guys like us. 416 00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:53,067 Right. 417 00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:55,319 Well, I never will forget this Christmas. 418 00:19:56,404 --> 00:19:59,073 Thank you. Thank you all. Thanks. 419 00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:26,851 [Lou] Hey. 420 00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:29,645 Somebody lose a set of car keys? 421 00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:04,013 Hey, we're not buying you dessert. 422 00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:08,559 No, you see, I, uh... I forgot, uh... 423 00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:09,727 What? 424 00:21:09,727 --> 00:21:10,895 Uh... 425 00:21:12,229 --> 00:21:14,523 To wish you a Merry Christmas. 426 00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,233 - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. 427 00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:17,526 Merry Christmas. 428 00:21:17,526 --> 00:21:18,652 Hey, bud. 429 00:21:21,322 --> 00:21:22,323 Since you're here. 430 00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:25,534 Go call your old man. 431 00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:27,328 [chuckles] 432 00:21:28,329 --> 00:21:29,288 Thank you. 433 00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:31,290 I think I will. 434 00:21:46,931 --> 00:21:48,182 [theme music playing] 435 00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:53,229 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 436 00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:55,231 Quite stylish. 437 00:21:55,231 --> 00:21:57,525 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪ 438 00:21:57,525 --> 00:22:00,319 ♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪ 439 00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:02,446 ♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪ 440 00:22:02,446 --> 00:22:04,031 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 441 00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:07,660 ♪ With those tossed salads And scrambled eggs ♪ 442 00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:10,538 ♪ They're callin' again ♪ 443 00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:13,123 Good night, Seattle! We love you!