[theme music playing]
No, really. I've never had a serious boyfriend.
No one's really been interested.
Men can be such pigs.
It's not that people weren't trying to fix me up.
Back in Manchester, me mum was steering me toward Reginald Glower,
the butcher's son.
Pasty little thing.
Never did take to him.
I suppose I like my gents more on the manly side.
Was that a little swan you made?
No, it was a B-52.
[Frasier] Well, Dad's done it again.
That was Dr. Jenning's office on the phone.
He skipped his physical again today.
- [Niles scoffs] - Why, that little devil.
No wonder he didn't want me to go with him.
Frasier, you know Dad's intense aversion to doctors.
You should've seen that he got there.
I didn't see you volunteering to take him this afternoon.
Well, I couldn't. I had my Fear of Abandonment Workshop today
and I've already been a no-show twice.
Wait till your father gets here.
I'll give him such a piece of my mind.
If only we had some way of knowing when he was about to arrive.
[door opens]
Hey.
How you doing, boy?
Yeah, glad to see you too.
So how was your exam today?
Oh, you know those things, pretty routine.
- EKG? - Perfect.
- Blood pressure? - Textbook.
Hope they took a full blood panel.
Oh, yeah. I told them to take two. They're small.
Ooh, let's give a look.
Oh. Look at this.
A nice big Band-Aid.
Nice try.
Ouch!
What'd you do that for?
Dr. Jennings' office called to reschedule your appointment.
You never showed up today.
Dad, this is ludicrous. Why do you keep avoiding the doctor?
Because I feel fine.
I'll go to the doctor when I don't feel fine.
Besides, I don't like Dr. Jennings.
He's got a model of a colon on his desk.
He keeps his tongue depressors in it.
All right, Dad, fine.
If you don't like him, why don't you go to see my doctor?
She's one of our finest gastroenterologists.
"She"?
Oh, ho, ho! No, no. No way.
If a doctor's gonna have me bend over,
I want to look through my legs and see wing-tips.
Now, now, we'll have none of that.
We women have been poked and prodded by male doctors for centuries.
I say it's high time you gents went to see a doctor of the opposite sex.
See how you like waiting in that room,
sitting there all naked and helpless and goose-bumpy.
Niles, surely you can recommend someone.
Niles.
I'm sorry. My mind was somewhere else.
But-- Oh!
I know who you should see. Dr. Gary Newman.
His office is in my building. He has a very successful practice.
I saw a Lichtenstein hanging in his office.
Ooh, a Lichtenstein. He sounds perfect.
All right. All right.
I'll make an appointment and I'll go see him.
Oh, now, just hang on a second there.
I will make the arrangements and I will escort you personally.
Wonderful. I can't wait.
Oh, stop grumbling.
It won't be so bad.
Well, unless you have to parade around the office in one of those gowns
where your little bum peeks through the back.
Niles, what's Dr. Newman's number?
Niles-- Niles!
I'm sorry, I must have drifted off again.
My appointment was half an hour ago.
How much longer are we gonna wait for this guy?
Come on, Frasier. Let's get out of here.
Dad, just relax. Read a magazine.
Oh, here, here, take the Cosmo quiz.
"Are your nipples sensitive?"
Dad, would you mind doing that quietly? It's not an oral exam.
You haven't seen the second question.
Did you used to keep your patients waiting like this?
Oh, just the compulsives.
It was part of their therapy.
Relax. Here, I'll take care of it.
Yes, my father, Martin Crane, had an appointment 30 minutes ago.
Yes, I'm sorry.
The doctor's running a little late this morning,
but you'll be first up when he gets in.
When he gets in? My God.
Where's he coming from, Spokane?
Actually, he has a long drive in from his weekend house in Lake Chelan.
Lake Chelan. Ooh. This guy must be terrific.
- So? - Dad, relax. He'll be here any minute.
You know, Dad, I was just struck by one of life's little ironies.
I remember you taking me to the doctor, and now here I am taking you.
Yeah.
Remember when I took you for your first tetanus shot.
You were about five or six.
Oh, boy, was I scared.
- I remember you holding my hand. - Yeah.
You bent over that table, dropped your little drawers.
When the nurse gave you the shot,
you took your mind off it by reciting the names of all of Pucini's operas.
Right then I knew you'd never be a cop.
Look, I'm serious. I'm not staying in here any longer.
Let's go.
All right, look, I'll check and see if there's someone substituting for him.
What are you here for?
Well, lately, I've been having this overall sluggish feeling.
It's hard even getting out of bed in the morning.
Not to mention the cold weather.
It's really making my joints hurt.
I've started to notice flaking spots on my skin.
What about you?
I have sensitive nipples.
Dad, I'm afraid the doctor won't be able to make your appointment today.
Ah, that's just great.
These big-shot doctors, they keep you waiting for an hour
and then they don't have the decency to show up.
What, play a little slow on the golf course today?
That arrogant, inconsiderate jerk.
Dad, Dad, Dad. Dr. Newman is dead.
He died an hour ago.
I'm sure he was a good man.
I mean, there he is walking down his walkway this morning
and he bends over to pick up his newspaper, and, bang.
He drops dead of a heart attack. Just...
God, you know, I pick up my newspaper every day.
And the Sunday Times is very heavy.
I'm thinking of canceling.
Well, these things happen.
"These things happen"? Roz, how can you say that?
My God, this was not an old man. He was my age.
What am I supposed to say?
I guess I just don't think about these things like you do.
Maybe it's because you're 41 and I'm... not. [chuckles]
Don't you ever think about your own mortality?
Don't you ever think about dying?
Well, not me dying.
But you know what I have thought about lately?
I've been dating this older guy.
And what if, you know...
we were in bed together and he dropped dead?
Well, it's not out of the realm of possibility.
Sometimes he starts breathing really funny, and I don't know
if he's having a good time or if I've just overexcited him
to some dangerous level.
Someone certainly has a very high opinion of herself.
Everybody's good at something.
Roz, why is it that every time we try to have a serious discussion,
we end up talking about your sex life?
Because I have one.
[approaching footsteps]
Niles, thank you so much for coming on such short notice.
Hello, Dad, Daphne.
- Hello, Dr. Crane. - Yes, I came as soon as I could.
I was in the middle of my workout, but I can always pump iron later.
Well, I'll just pop into the kitchen and fix us a snack.
"Pump iron."
Niles, you don't even pump your own gas.
All right. All right.
Now, what's all this nonsense about getting your affairs in order?
Well, this-- This Dr. Newman dying at such a young age
really threw me for a loop.
Trying to figure out why, and I finally realized I hadn't made
the proper provisions for my own death.
Here we go.
- Oh, here, allow me. - Oh, thanks.
[Frasier] Well, first, the pertinent information.
I've prepared copies for each of you.
The location and numbers of my bank accounts, my safety deposit keys,
the number for my attorney--
Niles, what are you doing?
Oh, give me that.
I loosened it for him.
Now, the distribution of my personal possessions.
Oh, I really think this is a matter for family only.
No, Daphne, please. I'd like you to stay.
I'll come to you later.
Dad, Niles, I'd like you to put your names on these stickers
and place them on any of the objects that you would like bequeathed to you.
This is crazy.
I'm not going to put my name on your stuff.
But, Dad, what happens if I die tomorrow,
you and Niles end up in an argument over, well, that African mask, for instance?
It'll never happen.
Niles, you can have it.
I don't want it.
Don't look at me.
I throw a towel over that thing when you're not home.
Okay. Fine.
Well, now we come to the issue of... my remains.
Oh, jeez.
I've arranged every detail here in this easy-to-read binder.
[Martin groans]
This is taking it too far.
Will you look at this?
Burial... casket... caterers?
- Who are you using? - Michael son's.
Oh, they're very good. Excellent choice.
[both chattering enthusiastically]
Excuse me. Excuse me!
Are we about done?
Well, there is just one more duck to put in the row.
I've done some research and I've discovered
that most unexpected deaths occur in the home.
And, Daphne, this is where you come in.
The actual... finding of the body.
Oh, save the best part for me, eh?
Well, that's all right.
I'm a healthcare provider.
I've had my fair share of patients die on me.
That's a comfort.
Well, perhaps you're right. Maybe we should just drop the subject. Well...
Thank you. This meeting has actually made me feel better.
I think I can handle my mortality a bit better now.
Well, enough talk about death.
Let's celebrate life with a bottle of Chateau Certan '75.
Oh. No, not the '75.
I can't let you do that. That's far too good for the likes of us.
Well, perhaps a Beaujolais Nouveau would be more appropriate.
[Miles] Yes.
[approaching footsteps]
[Martin] Eddie?
Oh, there you are. Come on, boy.
Frasier, what are you still doing up?
- Frasier. - Mm-hm.
Dad, please, shh, I'm trying to listen to my heartbeat.
Amazing thing, the human heart.
You know, it can pump 1800 gallons of blood
through it each and every day.
But just the tiniest tear in the tiniest part of the tiniest artery,
and, poof, you're gone.
I thought you were all okay about this stuff now.
Oh, so did I.
What is the matter with me?
I thought that putting my affairs in order would help me to deal with this thing,
but it hasn't.
I can't seem to get over the feeling that no matter how remote the possibility,
something could happen to me.
And... I'd miss so much.
I'd never get to see my son hit his first home run.
That would be a terrible thing for a father to miss.
Tell me about it.
Look, son, let me tell you something.
There was this time a while back,
seven or eight of us were on this drug bust.
We got the order to go through the front door, and the first guy took one.
He was dead before he hit the ground.
When you're a cop, you've gotta be able to handle things like that.
But I-- I just couldn't get over it.
Every time I had to go in a blind alley or in a dark building, I just froze.
And I knew if I kept being afraid to die, I'd never be able to do my job.
So, what did you do?
I just forced myself to forget about it.
- Just like that? - Just like that.
Next time I came to one of those doors, I went right through it.
The fact that I got shot in the hip was purely coincidental.
You were this close to helping me there, Dad.
Look, Frasier, just because some doctor dies doesn't mean you're gonna die.
Yeah, but he was just like me.
Highly educated, sophisticated.
He was at the top of his profession.
I saw a picture of him in a journal. He even looked like me.
Same determined chin, sweater vest, and ever-so-slightly receding hairline.
But what do you know about this guy?
You don't even know his medical history.
Actually, you're onto something there, Dad. Yeah. Yeah.
For all I know, he could have had high blood pressure,
popped pills, drank like a fish.
There you go. Could've been any of those things.
Well, I'm gonna find out what caused his heart attack.
That's the only way I can disassociate myself from him.
There's got to be some reasonable explanation.
That's great, Dad. I do feel better now. Thanks.
Uh, Frasier.
You've got something on your bathrobe.
Niles.
The vultures are circling.
Come on, Eddie.
[people chattering quietly]
[Frasier knocking on door]
Hello. Hello.
I... I called earlier. Someone said Mrs. Newman would be here.
Oh, of course. Please come in.
I'm Allen Freedman.
Gary was my cousin.
Dr. Frasier Crane.
My sincerest condolences.
So I-- I didn't think Mrs. Newman would have company.
Oh, well, the family is sitting shiva.
- Excuse me? - You're not Jewish, are you?
It's our version of a wake.
Oh. Oh, yes.
Oh, of course. Of course.
I didn't-- I didn't realize that Gary was Jewish.
You're kidding?
Oh, well, you know, we were pretty close friends.
We spent a lot of time together. Well, never on Friday nights, of course, but...
You know, maybe I should come back another time.
No, no, please. I'm sure that Jill would love to know you came.
- She's right over there. - Oh, she looks busy.
- Well, I can wait. - Of course.
Will you excuse me?
- [woman] May I help you? - Uh...
I didn't realize that this was a mirror.
I thought maybe you were having an unveiling later.
You're not Jewish, are you?
Uh...
No. No.
My-- My ex-wife is, though.
And thus, my son is.
Which makes me sort of, well, I guess you could say--
No, I'm not Jewish.
We always cover mirrors at a shiva
so those grieving don't have to be concerned
- with their own appearances. - Ah.
Well, you look very nice.
Oh, thank you. It's been driving me crazy.
I'm Bobbie, Gary's aunt.
Dr. Frasier Crane.
My deepest sympathies.
You're the doctor with the radio show, aren't you?
Yes. Yes.
Did you know Gary well?
Well, yes, yes, yes, I did.
Well, there was so much more I wanted to know about the man, you see.
Well-- Oh, I don't know, how was his health before he died?
Excellent. He was never sick.
- History of heart disease? - Oh, no.
- High blood pressure? - No.
- High cholesterol? - No.
Do you know his HDL in comparison to his LDL?
No.
I'm sorry. [clears throat]
I'm asking too many questions.
You know how doctors are always looking for the answers to the mysteries of life.
Oh, Gail.
Aunt Bobbie.
- [sobbing] - [Bobbie] I know. I know.
Gail, I'd like you to meet a friend of Gary's, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Dr. Crane? From the radio?
Ah.
Yes. I-- I'm sorry for your loss.
I love your show.
Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry about this.
It's just, when I went to pick up this Linzer torte, I thought of Gary and...
So-- So Gary had a fondness for fattening desserts, did he?
[chuckles] You didn't know Gary very well, did you?
If he knew I bought this here, he'd kill me.
Yeah, Gary was a total health fanatic.
A strict vegetarian.
I played basketball with him every Sunday.
Oh, oh, so he was sedentary all week
and then he was burning up the court on Sundays.
- That can be very straining on the heart. - No.
He played at least four times a week.
That is, when he wasn't at the gym working out.
Gary was in phenomenal shape.
[Bobbie] He didn't smoke, never touched caffeine.
Do you know he had less than 10% body fat on him?
My goodness.
Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead?
I-- I'm sure they did check.
Those people are very thorough. Um...
Oh, my, is that kugel? Excuse me.
[whispering inaudibly]
[sniffles]
Mrs. Newman.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. I was a friend of your husband's.
- Dr. Crane, from... - Yes, the radio. Yes.
- Gary never mentioned you. - Well... We weren't actually friends.
He had an office in my brother's building.
And you took the time to come down here.
His own partner didn't even stay 15 minutes.
That's really sweet of you.
Well, actually, I... There's a reason I came to talk to you.
Which is?
It's about Gary, about how he, uh...
Yes?
Look, I'm sorry I bothered you.
I really just came to offer my sympathies.
No, wait. Um...
Dr. Crane, I listen to you all the time, and, well, maybe you could help me.
What would you tell someone who called in the show
and said they can't get over why someone died?
I keep running this over and over in my mind...
and I just can't understand how someone like Gary,
who did everything right... can just die.
I can't make any sense of it.
Mrs. Newman...
I know you'd like me to come up with some grand answer to this whole thing.
But I-- I don't have one.
Someone who consumes nothing but cigarettes and cheeseburgers
all his life can live to be 83,
and yet someone who takes care of himself...
can die at 41.
It's unfair.
And there's no explanation for it.
Believe me, I've checked.
But, uh...
I suppose the best we can do is...
ls live for the little joys and surprises that life affords us.
You can't spend your life being obsessed with death.
You're not Jewish, are you?
No, no, I'm not. But, uh...
Well, thank you for letting me be here today.
Oh, thank you for coming, Dr. Crane.
Oh, Dr. Crane, it was very nice, what you said about living life
for the little joys and surprises it can give us.
- Yes. - Thank you. Thank you.
If only I believed it myself.
Excuse me.
Um...
This is clearly the most inappropriate thing I've ever done in my life, but...
Well, I was watching you and, um,
I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to see you again,
and, um, something about you tells me I'd like to.
Um, here.
If you'd like to get together sometime, give me a call.
[theme music playing]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Mercy ♪
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
[laughs]
♪ But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're calling again ♪
Frasier has left the building.