[theme music playing]
[man] Well, I had a really good year. I decided, hey, why not reward myself?
So, I bought what I really wanted, a 48-foot cabin cruiser.
You know how much it cost me? I'll tell you how much it cost me.
Three hundred grand, not to mention the 20,000 for the custom teak decking.
Now here's my problem,
the wife wants to call this incredible vessel "Lulubelle" after her mother.
"Lulubelle!" So, I said, "No, we call it "The intrepid."
So, what do you think it should be called, "Lulubelle" or "The intrepid"?
Roger, at Cornell University,
they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment
known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope.
Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons
you can actually see images of the atom,
the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe.
Roger, if I were using that microscope right now,
I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.
Thank you for your call.
And now, hungry for Chinese tonight?
I always... Uh, I'm sorry, we're experiencing technical difficulties.
Let's go to a prerecorded commercial message.
Roz, why did you hand me this copy? I don't do personal endorsements.
What is the big deal?
- All the other personalities do them. - The other personalities aren't doctors.
If I allow myself to become a common pitchman,
I'll lose all my credibility.
I am a Wise Man, a Shaman.
Zip up your fly, Wise Man.
Whoa! Doc! This is a radio studio, not a bus terminal.
Look who's here, Roz, Noel Coward.
Listen, Bulldog, I hate to mix business with revulsion,
but Frasier, as usual, will not do this promo.
I'd love to.
- Great. I need it done now. - No problem.
Doc. Doc. With all due respect, you're an idiot.
These promos are easy money.
The money is irrelevant. It's a question of integrity.
Integrity.
Hello!
We're talking mucho dinero.
But hey, the more you turn these down, the more Liver Snaps for the Bulldog.
[barks]
What is this with my name on it here, Roz?
That's the contract for Hunan Palace gig. That's how much they were gonna pay you.
I guess I need to have them change the name on here to Bulldog's.
They pay you that money just to read some copy?
Yeah. Of course, Bulldog usually adds his own special touch.
[bangs gong]
[in Chinese accent] Ooh. So you will come chop-chop to Hunan Palace
where Peking Duck is always extra crispy.
[crinkling]
[blowing duck caller]
We're gonna get sued this time for sure.
[keys jingling, then door opens]
Damn it!
I just put a dent in my front bumper when I pulled into my parking space.
What happened to that tennis ball I hung over my space
so I wouldn't pull up too far?
He was bored. He needed a toy.
Hey, go ahead and throw it. He'll run and get it for you.
He didn't think that was funny and he knows where you sleep.
Dad, Daphne, a situation has arisen over at work
and I'm not sure how it should be handled.
I was hoping maybe your objective viewpoint could be helpful.
Sure. Shoot.
Well, what would you think if I did a commercial
and publicly endorsed a product?
Oh, you mean like Cher does?
Thank you, Daphne. One against. Dad?
What's the product?
Well, the station wanted me to do a commercial for a Chinese restaurant.
What's the problem?
Well, I hold a position of trust in this community.
People do what I tell them to
and I would hate to be accused of abusing that position.
The thought of a doctor selling things is kind of distasteful, isn't it?
What about Dr. Sneezy's cold medicine?
Dr. Sneezy is a cartoon character.
The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus
probably should have tipped you off.
I say take the money and run.
Well, I'm tempted, if for no other reason
than to keep Bulldog from further alienating the Asian-American community.
But I just wanna make sure that I don't compromise my principles.
Dr. Crane, you've dedicated your life to helping people, haven't you?
Well, yes.
Well, suppose one of your listeners was in a quandary
over where to find good Chinese food.
Wouldn't your commercial be helping them?
Why don't you just go down there.
If you like the food, do the commercial. If you don't, don't.
I suppose that's the logical approach.
Why don't the three of us go tonight. I'll make a call.
I'd better make the reservations under a different name.
I don't want any special treatment.
I just want to be treated like I'm just an average working Joe.
Good evening. Yes, yes.
We'd like a reservation for three this evening at 8.
Oh, nothing until 10? Oh.
Oh, well, then, um...
this is Dr. Frasier Crane...
from the radio and...
Yes, I thought you might. Thank you.
We're in at 9:45.
Did I say "tasty"?
"Tasty" doesn't do justice to those succulent pot-stickers.
And the Kung Pao Chicken? Oh, don't get me started!
So if you've got a yen for Chinese tonight,
hurry on down to the Hunan Palace.
That's it for today.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane hoping we'll see you tomorrow on KACL 780 AM.
You know, Roz, I think I'm getting the knack for doing these promos.
Did you get the little ad-lib I made about the "yen" for Chinese food?
Yeah. By the way, "Yen" is Japanese, not Chinese.
Well...
I got a call from the owners of the Hunan Palace the other day.
They said that since I started doing these commercials,
their business has gone by 30%.
Isn't that what advertising is supposed to do?
Yes, it is, Miss Sour-Britches.
Give me a little credit.
I've pleased the boy's upstairs, gotten strangers to try a new restaurant,
and most importantly, I've helped a struggling immigrant family
who came to these shores a mere 12 years ago
with little more than a dream,
a few recipes and a wok.
Dr. Crane?
- What a privilege this is. - Excuse me?
- Bebe glazer. I'm Bulldog Brisco's agent. - Oh.
Oh, well, pleasure meeting you.
I'm not usually this forward, but I'm gonna come right out and say it.
I've done some research, and you're not represented by anyone.
How about signing on with me as a client?
If "no," it won't hurt my feelings.
Well, I really don't think so.
Why?
It's not that I'm not flattered, Ms. glazer,
but, um, you see, I'm not really a radio personality per se.
Oh, come on, I've heard those spots you've done for that Chinese restaurant.
You make me want to stuff my face full of eggrolls and I don't know what.
Thank you. Uh...
But, you see, I dine at the Hunan Palace frequently.
That's the reason I did those commercials.
The last thing I would ever want you to do
is advertise something you don't believe in.
I am an agent, not a pimp.
- I don't mean to offend-- - Are you kidding? You're terrific.
You can't offend me. Let me leave you with my card.
- I don't think that's necessary. - Give me back my card.
I will not let you call me.
It is too refreshing to meet someone who isn't seduced by the almighty dollar.
I would refuse your call.
Ah! I've got to go fly to Palo Alto.
My daughter's at Stanford.
Ah.
You don't have kids, do you?
Oh, yes, I have a 5-year-old son.
Oh, lucky you. You won't have to worry about it for years.
- Worry about what? - Tuition, innocent.
Ah, wait, I see. You're going to send him to a state college.
Well, no, no, I had planned to send him to my alma mater, Harvard.
Ouch.
Kiss it and make it better.
Have you seen Business week's projections for college costs the year 2010?
[shouts]
Oh! I've gotta go. That plane is not going to wait for little Bebe.
You know, maybe we should talk some time.
Let's talk now.
I think I can die peacefully
without seeing the first half of the Stanford/Cal game.
You see, it's not that I object to doing commercials,
it's just that I would have to try a product first before I could endorse it.
Dr. Crane, I wouldn't have it any other way.
[hot tub bubbling]
Tell me again why I'm here?
Because if I do the commercial,
I have to say that my friends and family enjoy this
and I won't say it unless it's true.
I feel kind of silly sitting here in the showroom.
Well, I apologize for that, but it's the best place to try one.
So, tell me the truth, aren't you two enjoying this?
Well, I do like the bubbles.
It's a little like sitting in hot champagne.
Not that I've done that very much.
Dad, this unit is made from the same heat-resistant space-age polymer
that's used on space shuttles.
Next time I'm re-entering the Earth's atmosphere in a hot tub
I won't have to worry.
Well, do you like it?
I have to admit, it's making my hip feel a little better.
That's all I needed to hear.
My friends like it. My family likes it. I like it.
I can do the commercial and Frederick can go to Harvard.
Oh, my God. isn't that Dave Hendler from our building?
You know, he's the head of the Seattle Psychiatric Association.
That's not Dave Hendler.
Shh. Don't worry about it. Enjoy the quiet while you can.
[easy listening music playing]
[Frasier on recording] Gentle bubbles, soothing bubbles.
Bubbles that will ease your aching body.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
In these pressure-packed times,
what could be better than a warm, relaxing dip in a Redwood Hot Tub?
Let Redwood's patented Ultra-Blow air system surround your body.
My family and friends like it...
- That's us. - Shh!
...and you'll like it too.
And if you act quickly, you'll receive a complimentary scum guard.
So hurry down to your local Redwood Hot Tub dealer.
Say Frasier Crane sent you.
Well, what did you think?
I could almost smell the chlorine.
Dad, how about you?
[Martin] I liked it.
- Really? - Yeah. I liked it.
- You really, really liked it? - No. I liked it.
Well, what was wrong with it?
- Nothing. - You hated it didn't you?
Yeah. Good night, Frasier.
[doorbell rings]
- Hello, darling. - Bebe.
First off, mea culpa for dropping by unannounced,
but you are going to kiss me when you hear what I've done for you.
Oh.
Hello.
- Hi. - [Frasier] No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Bebe, this is Daphne Moon, my father's physical therapist.
[relieved laughter]
Now, I believe I was about to kiss you for something.
Well, today I got a very attractive offer for you to be a product spokesman.
And we know they're serious because it's pay or play.
Ooh. That's the best kind.
You get your money whether you do it or not.
- Well, listen to this one. - How do you know that?
Well, I must confess,
there is a chapter of my life I haven't told you or your father about.
Back when I was 12, I starred in a television show in England.
I'll leave you to your business.
Daphne! Daphne, get back here.
You what?
I starred in TV a series.
It was quite popular in its day.
Maybe you've heard of it, Mind Your Knickers.
It was about a group of high-spirited, ethnically diverse 12-year-olds
in a girls' private boarding school. [chuckles]
I played Emma, the short, spunky one. Heh.
Of course, by the end of the series I was 16, 5-foot-10,
and they had me boozies bound up tighter than a mummy.
Well, I'm off.
The woman is like an artichoke.
You just keep peeling away one astounding leaf after another.
Well, anyway, back to business. What have you got?
Voila! Emery's Nuts.
Oh, dear. Oh, I can't endorse these.
Why not?
Well, for one thing I don't like them.
And they're 60% fat, they're laced with salt,
and they wreak havoc with my diverticulitis.
Of course they do, they're nuts.
Sorry. I'm afraid I can't.
Well...
Then I will just tell them that they can take their five-figure deal
and find someone else.
Five figures?
Didn't I mention, precious? This is for television, the big Kahuna.
Television?
But I understand if you have a problem.
Well, I... I... I...
I don't mean to be difficult, but I do have my standards.
I only endorse things that I like
or that I think are therapeutic, like the hot tub.
Let me pinch you! You're not real!
Well...
But still I...
I wonder if you're not being just the tiniest bit short-sighted.
Research has shown that a single television commercial
can turn an obscure radio personality into a national celebrity.
A year from now,
someone like you could be broadcasting your message of hope and healing
to not just the Pacific Northwest, but to the entire nation.
But of course, there's not much I can do about it
if you don't like the product.
[Frasier] You know, I've never been a hundred percent happy with my nose.
You can't be serious. That's a nose people trust.
Finally, your script. Thanks, Jeff.
I've seen it already. You're gonna love it.
"Two nuts are arguing with each other." That's cute.
"I'm a nut." "No, I'm a nut."
That's funny. Uh...
"Hold it! You're both nuts.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, noted psychiatrist
and I know a nut when I see one."
Hmm. I just I don't know about that line.
Oh. What's wrong? It's a scream.
It may be a scream, but it's...
What's the word I'm looking for...
What? "Tuition"?
"Retirement beach house"?
I'm so sorry.
It's just that I want so much for you.
I don't wanna get a reputation for being difficult,
but I'm, I'm just not comfortable with this line.
Frasier. Frasier. Frasier.
How long have we been together?
Six days.
Do you think I would ever have you do something that you're uncomfortable with?
What makes this so wonderful is that you're spoofing yourself.
You're showing that psychiatrists can be loose.
You're making shrinks more accessible to the average person.
So, what you're saying is that I would be doing psychiatry a service
by doing this commercial.
You have a way of cutting through the baloney that knocks me out cold.
Oh, dear.
What does this mean, "Frasier comes out of his shell"?
It's a technical term, it's a lighting thing.
You see... You come out of your shadow
or your shell into the light.
I have so much to learn about this business.
Niles, thanks for meeting me. I have to talk to you about something.
Why do you have that ridiculous tissue around your neck?
They didn't tell me I could take it off, so I kept it on.
Oh, silly me.
Here I thought it was just a means to attract attention
to have people say, "Are you an actor?",
thus affording you the opportunity to say, yes, you are indeed an actor
and then proceed to crow, gloat and strut
in a way that you could not otherwise do.
And the reason you have "shrink" on your license plate would be...?
I've gotta do this commercial in half an hour
and I just don't think I can go through with it.
I'm afraid that I'm compromising my integrity as a psychiatrist.
Why do you feel like that?
Well, for one thing, my co-stars are dressed up like an almond and a walnut.
Now listen, Niles, I need your guidance.
Frasier, I don't see this is a problem.
You don't think this is the selling out of Frasier Crane?
Oh, certainly not. You sold out a long time ago.
The moment you agreed to do that call-in show, you sold out.
Oh, Niles, you're such a purist.
Granted I can't do the kind of in-depth analysis one can with a single patient,
but my show literally helps thousands of people a day.
Let's face it, you talk about wanting to safeguard your professional dignity
but the first time you went on the air, you got out of medicine and into showbiz.
You're no different from that movie star
who let everyone look up her skirt,
then did nothing but complain that nobody took her seriously.
Well, that has nothing to do with it.
Have you seen that movie?
Maris and I rented the video.
I don't mind telling you, we pushed our beds together that night.
And that was no mean feat. Her room, as you know, is across the hall.
Niles, will you just tell me? Would you do it?
A nude scene? I suppose if it were integral to the plot--
Not a nude scene!
Would you do this commercial?
Oh, certainly not. I'm a respected psychiatrist.
So, what you're saying is that I shouldn't do it?
No, no, no. I'm saying, it doesn't matter.
Let's face it, Frasier, they've already looked up your skirt
and they've seen everything there is to see.
[upbeat jingle playing on TV]
[door opens]
What are you still doing up?
Oh, jeez, you're not watching the tape of that dumb commercial again?
I can't get it off my mind.
Did I do the right thing?
Of course you did. And Freddy's gonna thank you for it.
Here. Watch it with me one more time.
[man on TV] I'm a nut.
No, I'm a nut.
- I'm a nut. - Stop.
You're both nuts.
I'm noted psychologist, Dr. Joyce Brothers,
and I'm here to tell you that I'm just crazy about Emery's Nuts.
So if you're crazy about nuts too, pick up a can of Emery's today.
Emery's: the nut lover's nut.
I suppose you're right, Dad. Freddy will thank me.
Dr. Joyce is his favorite psychologist.
Yeah. Dr. Joyce was pretty good. I remember her from the Hollywood Squares.
She was always under Charlie Weaver.
No. No. Charlie Weaver was always on the bottom.
No. I don't think so. Let's see, Paul Lynde was in the middle.
George Gobel was under him. Where was Wally Cox?
[Frasier] Wally Cox?
- Upper left, next to Rose Marie to block. - Oh, right.
[theme music playing]
♪ Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salad and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads And scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
♪ Goodnight, everybody ♪