Danielle, you're gonna have to slow down a bit.
I'm having a hard time understanding you.
I'm sorry.
I'm having a big, big problem with my monthieur.
- Excuse me, with your what? - My monthieur.
- Your monthieur? - Oui. My monthieur. Every day.
- Is that your mother? - No, my monthieur.
Your masseur? Your Mercedes?
monthieur! My monthieur! You must help me.
Well, Danielle, I... I, uh...
The best advice I can give you is to, um, either confront your "monthieur"
or work on your self-esteem. Thank you for your call.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying go out and have a good evening, Seattle.
You deserve it.
Roz, aren't you screening these calls?
Yeah, but when you only have one, you get a little less particular.
- Oh, you look nice. - Yeah? Well, I've got a date tonight.
Oh, great.
Oh, why are you wearing only one heel? Did you break it off?
No, I'm dating a sea captain with a peg leg
and this makes it easier when we dance.
I broke it off in a sidewalk grate.
Okay, so who is this guy?
Another one of those trendy young kids
who's got three earrings and a ponytail,
wearing a T-shirt under his sports coat?
Is he here?
Roz, where do you meet these people?
For your information, this guy happens to be a very successful media consultant.
He graduated from Princeton,
he has a house on Mercer island,
and he owns a 40-foot sailboat.
You met him on a bus, didn't you?
No, actually, we shared a cab.
All right, he was driving it.
- Hello, Frasier. - Hi, Niles. You remember Roz.
- Yes, of course. What brings you here? - Oh, nothing.
Just passing by and thought I'd stop in for a career.
Oh.
Good luck. Heh.
Sorry I'm late, Frasier, but the entrance to your parking garage
is blocked by a cab driver with a ponytail,
scraping gum off his back seat.
Madam, your chariot awaits.
Well, we better get going, Niles.
Oh, actually, bad news on that score, Frasier.
I'm afraid the lecture's been canceled.
Oh, well, I can't say I'm really disappointed.
I wasn't relishing the idea of three hours on right-brain, left-brain synergy.
I'll have you know I trimmed that speech to two and a half hours
and I open with a really funny Al Gore joke.
There's no use crying over spilled milk. Now, we've got a free evening.
Sounds like the perfect opportunity for a couple of guys on the loose
to hit a sports bar, have a couple of brewskis,
maybe take in a game or two.
Right. But what shall we do?
- Dinner? - Perfect. No place fancy.
I'm sure neither of us wants a heavy meal with lots of wine and expensive desserts.
- Oh, it's your turn to pay, isn't it? - You know me so well.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Are you sure it was all right to park in that lot across the street?
The sign said it was just for customers of those stores.
- I don't want to get a ticket. - No, it's fine, Niles.
I mean, I could just nip back to Crabtree and Evelyn
and buy a bar of lavender soap just to be safe.
Niles, Niles, sit down.
Lavender soap. For God's sakes, you're a man.
- You'd look ridiculous. - May I get you a drink?
Fuzzy Navel, blended nice and frothy, please.
- And... Martini, Niles? - No, thanks. I'm driving.
I think I'll buy a bag of potpourri or a set of hand towels.
Just sit down.
Frasier, unless my eyes deceive me,
that's Dad sitting over there.
God, you're right.
Gee, that's strange.
He said he was going to Duke's to have a beer with the boys.
- Well, that certainly isn't the boys. - Oh.
Seems we've caught him in a clandestine rendezvous.
The slyboots. He had a date and he didn't want us to know.
Oh, he's looking this way. Turn around.
- What are they doing? - Well, it's sort of cute.
He's holding her hand.
And... Don't look. Don't look.
I'll tell you when you can look.
Uh, not now. Not now.
Okay, now. No, not now.
Oh, I don't like this one bit.
Why? What're they doing now?
No, nothing. I just realized,
if Dad's eating here, this can't be a good restaurant.
Oh.
Well, I wonder if it's their first date.
Well, if it is, they seem to be having a very good time.
So, what are they doing?
Well, they're leaning in and talking to each other.
He's smiling at her.
She's just collapsed in tears. She's sobbing uncontrollably.
Oh, yeah. That's a Crane first date, all right.
Oh, she's coming this way. Hide.
- Frasier, do you know who that is? - She did look familiar.
I'd swear that was Marion Lawlor.
Marion Lawlor.
My God, I haven't heard that name since I was a kid.
I thought Mom and Dad had a huge falling out with the Lawlors.
They did. They did.
It was that summer we shared a cabin with them at the lake.
Well, maybe Dad's getting together just to patch things up.
Doing his usual bang-up job.
This is really awkward. We should just get out of here.
No, Niles, if we leave now, he's sure to spot us.
You know, Niles, maybe you should have that martini after all.
I can't, Frasier. I'm driving.
Not anymore. They just towed your car.
Eddie, you little hooligan, get off that couch.
You know you're not supposed to do that.
If Dr. Crane sees you, he's gonna throw you off the balcony
and I'll be right behind you.
Good boy.
Now, you stay there.
Well, Eddie.
Glad to see my rules about the couch are finally taking hold.
Good dog.
Dad? Daphne?
Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Hello, Daphne. Say, where's Dad?
Mr. Dorsey down on eight invited him over to watch the ballgame.
Oh, great. He's finally getting to know some of the neighbors.
What are you staring at?
Have you ever thought about growing a mustache?
- No, I don't think it would suit me. - Oh, yes, it does.
- You've never seen me with one. - Actually, I have.
There's a billboard for your show down on 16th Street.
Some kids went at you with a can of spray paint.
- And it looked good? - Oh, yes.
But a word to the wise.
Take good care of your teeth.
That look is not at all flattering on you.
I'll get it.
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Hello, Daphne.
What brings you here?
A rent-a-car, thanks to my brother.
I assume you're here for a reason.
Ah, yes.
Frasier, last night, when I got home,
that strange incident with Dad and Mrs. Lawlor got me to thinking.
What was it that caused the rift between our families?
So I dug out my old boyhood journal and looked up my entries
from our last summer together at the lake.
According to this,
there was a three-week period
where Mom and Dad had screaming matches every night after we went to bed.
I don't recall that.
Oh, that's right. That was the same period
where you insisted on wearing the wax earplugs and the slumber mask.
Well, I had to, what with you underneath the covers
with a flashlight looking at the National Geographics.
I was looking at the maps.
That's what makes it so scary.
- Now, what was your point? - Well, according to my journal,
something more provocative happened during that same period.
Here.
Read this.
"Though summer at the lake seems but a vapid, vacuous experience,
it is a necessary tonic for my troubled youth."
Niles, how old were you when you wrote this?
Almost 9.
Which explains the redundancy, "vapid and vacuous."
Yeah.
By 10, my writing had gotten considerably tighter.
Among other things.
The point is that that same night, I crept out onto the screen porch,
leaving the lights off so as not to attract bats and moths.
As I peered out through the darkness,
between the trees I saw the figures of Dad and Mrs. Lawlor in each other's arms.
I think it's pretty clear what happened, Frasier.
Dad and Mrs. Lawlor had an affair.
Oh, come on, Niles.
Look, I appreciate your attempt to spice up our family history,
but, really, we're not a Jackie Collins novel.
It's ridiculous.
Is it? All right. Allow me to present Exhibit B.
This is a photo album Mom prepared of photos from the same period.
Ooh, I love to see old family photos.
My goodness.
What a handsome, sinewy young bloke.
That was our dad.
You two take after your mother, don't you?
- All right, look at this picture. - Ah. Mm-hm.
And this one here. That's Dad,
but the person next to him has been cut out.
And if you look at this one,
you can still see the edges of a dress and a handbag and tan sandals.
Here's one whose head should have been cut out.
That scrawny little chap with the fish-belly complexion and rain hat.
I was under doctor's orders to stay out of direct sunlight.
Look, we don't know for sure that that was Mrs. Lawlor.
And, besides, even then, it wouldn't prove that Dad had an affair with her.
What are you two talking about?
Niles has this theory that Dad had an illicit affair when we were youngsters.
Your father? I can't believe that.
- He's not the type. - Well, that's what I think.
Besides, there's not enough proof.
- Are you saying it's not possible? - Anything is possible.
- Then why don't you just ask him? - Right.
"Good evening, Father.
By the way, did you boff one of the neighbors
while we were roasting marshmallows?"
Ah. Ah. There's one sure way to get the truth.
We'll call Aunt Vivian.
- No. - Who's Aunt Vivian?
Better known as "The Mouth." Keeper of the Crane family skeletons.
- No, Niles, we're not calling Aunt Vivian. - Why?
Afraid you'll find something you don't want to know?
Yes, that she knows where I live and that she still drives.
You two are worse than a couple of old washerwomen
gossiping over the back fence.
I'm telling you, the way to solve this is to ask your father.
Ask me what?
Your sons here have some cockeyed notion
that you had an affair with some woman 30 years ago.
What?
Where the hell did that idea come from?
Well, last night Frasier saw you having dinner with Marion Lawlor.
You were with me.
What are you two doing, spying on me?
No, no, Dad. we were just having dinner together at the same time
when you were supposed to be having some drinks with your buddies at Duke's.
And that proves I had an affair 30 years ago?
No, no, but Niles dug out his journal,
and then he remembered this time when he saw you and her hugging
and it was right around the same time
when you and Mom seemed to be fighting a lot.
Then, suddenly, you stopped seeing the Lawlors.
I don't believe this. This is stupid.
That's what I told them.
The hens here were even gonna give some Aunt Vivian person a call.
Uh, Daphne, would you give me a minute alone with these two?
Of course. I completely understand.
That's right, send the help to her room. I never get to hear the good stuff anyway.
Don't bother calling Aunt Vivian.
You wanna know the truth?
Fine.
I had an affair.
It happened a long time ago, and it's not anything I'm proud of.
And now that I've answered all your questions, do me a favor.
This is never to be brought up again. Understand?
End of discussion.
Well...
It's times like this that most families
pull together and draw strength from each other.
What shall we do?
Oh, thank you.
Good, you're here. I came by to see how you're doing.
I only have a few minutes.
I start my "Healing with Humor" support group tonight.
And I still have to pick up my big shoes.
How am I doing?
How are you doing, Niles?
Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother?
Frasier, your loyalties are seeping through.
And I might point out that I got Mom's small features
while you got Dad's chunky thighs.
The point is that it must have caused Mom a great deal of pain.
Agreed.
But they went on, and they had a very happy life together.
They got over it.
Why can't you?
I know that rationally I should be able to hand this.
I deal with people who exemplify human frailty every day.
But in this case, it's not people.
It's one of our parents had an illicit affair.
How could he cheat with Marion knowing the effect it would have on Mom,
not to mention the repercussions it would have on you and me later on.
Why don't you just pull up a chair and join us?
I just can't believe that it's... It's our father.
I never had a great relationship with him,
but if there was one thing I always respected about him, it was his integrity.
Just thinking about what he did, it just sickens me.
Frasier, as your brother, as a therapist, I think you have to let this go.
And a good first step would be to come with me
to my "Healing with Humor" support group.
Thank you, but I think I just need a night to myself.
Well, if you change your mind, it should be a hoot.
As we speak,
I'm wearing oversized polka dot boxers and quick-release suspenders.
Well, I see all sorts of things have been going on behind my back.
Get the...
Frasier?
Yes.
You may not remember me.
Marion Lawlor.
Yes, I remember you.
Is your dad home?
Uh, no, but if you come back later,
you can have the place to yourselves.
No, that's not necessary.
I had dinner with him the other night and I left rather abruptly.
I just wanted to tell him I'm sorry.
Would you please give him my best?
Oh, I think you've already done that.
Did I come at a bad time? You seem upset about something.
Would you come in for a moment, please?
After you met with Dad the other night,
he and I had a little conversation.
And that was the first time that I learned what happened that summer.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Right. I guess I'm not the sort of person that can hear news like that
and just sweep it under the rug and forget about it.
I know you're upset,
but if it's any consolation, in time, your father and I forgave them.
Forgave them?
Frasier, your mother was a good person.
So was my husband.
They made a mistake.
Anyway, just tell your father I stopped by.
I felt so silly crying in front of him the other night.
I've been a little over-emotional since Dan died.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Well, you never realize how hard that's gonna hit you.
But look who I'm telling this to.
The famous radio psychiatrist, Dr. Frasier Crane.
I remember you when you used to run around in your undies
with your pail and shovel.
Yes, well, I rarely get to the shore anymore.
Well, goodbye, Frasier.
Goodbye.
Working down on the docks
has always been a tradition for us Moons.
Me father worked on the docks and me grandfather before him.
All me brothers do.
Well, except for me brother Billy.
He came home one day and announced he hated the smell of fish
and was going to teach ballroom dancing.
And he did.
And he does.
He's me mom's favorite.
Dad mostly flicks the crust off his kidney pie at him.
- How much longer do I have to do this? - Be patient.
You don't want to go through life dragging your leg behind you
like a dead tree branch.
I was talking about listening to your family's history.
Now, I know you don't mean that.
Why would a man of your intelligence say a thing like that
when you're in the position you're in and I'm in the position I'm in?
All right. All right.
Up you come.
That's much better.
I'll go run your bath.
Hi, Dad.
You look kind of tired.
Yeah, I just finished my exercises with Nurse Ratched.
Listen, Dad, do you have to watch the TV right now?
Yeah, my program's on.
Well, you know, if either of us could work the VCR, we'd tape it.
But, just for now, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
Oh, for God's sake, Frasier, I know what this is.
I've already told you everything I'm going to.
Now drop it.
Dad.
- Why didn't you tell me the truth? - I did.
Marion Lawlor came by today.
She wanted to apologize for the other night.
While she was here, she told me what really happened.
So now you know.
You did your little digging
and you stuck your nose in where it didn't belong.
Are you happy now?
Why didn't you tell me it was Mom?
Because it was none of your damn business, and it still isn't.
Look, Dad, I don't blame you for being defensive.
But I had a right to know.
And for your information, this sort of thing happens to a lot of people.
And if it's any consolation, I know exactly how you feel.
I never told you this, but, um...
Lilith did the same thing to me.
Lilith had an affair?
It was the most painful and humiliating experience of my entire life.
Well...
I'm sure you felt the same way.
I hadn't thought about it for quite some time,
but thanks for reminding me.
Lilith?
I found her attractive.
Is it so inconceivable that another man might find her attractive as well?
I guess.
- So who's the bozo in your case? - Oh, God.
A Frenchman who lived in a self-contained underground eco pod.
That still sounds better than a urologist with a bad comb-over.
I'm sorry, Dad.
Look, son, do me a favor.
Don't hate your mother for this.
I wasn't the easiest person to live with back then.
And she had plenty of reason for doing what she did.
Luckily, we were able to put it behind us, but I'll tell you...
There were times when it really tore me up.
I loved your mother.
So did I.
I know, son.
That's why I said I was the one who had the affair.
I was just trying to protect her.
Hey, me, you already had problems with.
Well, Dad, I, I appreciate what you did,
but I still think you should have told me.
Listen, when Frederick grows up, will you tell him what Lilith did to you?
Okay.
Can I watch my program now?
Oh, no, just one second.
There is one thing I've gotta clear up. This photo album in here.
There's all these pictures, with the same woman that's been cut out of them.
You see this?
Yeah. What else do you notice, Sherlock?
Like, where's your mother?
- Oh. Oh, that was Mom. - Yes.
She cut herself out of it.
She put a few pounds on that summer.
And I think that day she was wearing a brown dress with a belt.
And your Aunt Vivian told her she looked like a knockwurst tied in the middle.
You know, Dad, ever since you moved in,
we've been trying to find something that we have in common.
I think we finally found it.
Yeah.
Wish it was a birthmark.
So do I.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Mercy ♪
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads And scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Thank you!