It's 4:25 and this is Dr. Frasier Crane.
Roz, who's our next caller?
We have Hank on line three.
- He's having trouble with his neighbors. - Hello, Hank.
I'm listening.
Am I on?
Yes. You're on the air.
Hello. Am I on?
Hank, listen, turn down your radio and just talk into your phone.
Hello.
Hank, please, you won't be able to hear yourself.
We're on a seven-second delay.
Hello. Can you hear me?
Oh, for crying out loud.
Thank you, Hank.
People would you please turn off your damned radios?
Uh, no, I just mean those of you who are calling in.
Roz, who's our next caller?
We have Marco on line two.
He's having problems with his relationship.
Hello, Marco.
I'm listening.
Well, I started seeing this woman two years ago.
I think it was two years.
It was around Thanksgiving.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the leaves were off the trees and the...
Close enough.
What is your problem, Marco?
Well, it's not really my problem, it's more like her problem.
Lately she keeps pressing me for a commitment.
What's holding you back?
I don't know. I just, I guess I just want to keep my options open.
You know, in case somebody better comes along.
Somebody better comes along?
Marco, Marco, Marco, do you hear yourself?
No. I turned my radio off after you blasted that other guy.
Well, listen, I suggest you give your motives a thorough examination
and if you can't commit, it's best for both of you to break it off.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Thank you for your call.
Tell me, listeners, what is it with guys like that?
Hey, Roz, you've been around the block a few times.
Did you ever run into a guy like Marco?
Oh, they're all Marcos.
You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Marco.
Oh, come on.
I mean if that were so, then no one would be having a relationship.
Well, I'm not.
My sister's not.
None of my friends are.
I've seen the future and its name is Marco.
What do you think, Seattle?
Are there any non-Marcos out there?
Or is Roz, here, destined to live a life of hopeless, loveless spinsterhood?
Back after this.
Gee, I just love it when you include me in your show.
This is really weird.
It's not even Halloween yet.
Do we really have to do this now?
If we're going to have a picture for the Christmas card,
we've got to make it look like Christmas.
I don't know why we just can't do what my wife and I did,
put Frasier and Niles in matching sweaters
and set them on the hood of the old Packard.
Well, this year, we're going to be a little more artistic, all right?
Where the hell is Frasier anyway?
- I could use some help here. - He's still napping.
My grandfather used to nap every afternoon.
He lived to be 93.
Really?
He'd lie there on the sofa and you couldn't wake him for the world.
Grammy would say, "He might as well be a dead man."
Then of course, one day we couldn't wake him
and he really was a dead man.
Poor Grammy.
For weeks, she kept insisting, "He's napping. He's napping."
Okay.
I'm going to turn it on!
Oh! It's lovely!
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa la-la la♪la, la-la la la ♪
♪ Tis the season to be jolly ♪
♪ Fa la-la la♪la, la-la la la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ Fa la-la, la-la-la, la la la ♪
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Exactly how long have I been asleep?
Good! You're up!
- Now we can get this picture taken. - What picture?
The picture for the Christmas card.
- We told you about it last week, remember? - Oh, oh, right.
Now the theme this year is "Santa's Workshop."
- Everybody put on your little elf hat. - I am not putting this on my head.
I mean, for God's sake, I'm a respected professional.
If you don't, it'll look stupid!
Oh, I think the ship has already sailed on that one.
Just put the hat on, Frasier!
- You can't tell me what to do. - I am telling you! Put the hat on!
The days are past when you can sit me on some stupid old Packard
and make me wear a matching sweater with my brother.
Boys! Boys! Please!
Don't fight! Are you forgetting what day it is?
It's October 21st.
Can we just get the picture taken please?
All right, I've got it all set.
Fifteen seconds, gents.
Oh, wait, there's something missing. Where's Eddie?
He's in the bathroom getting a drink. Eddie!
Well, I can always pray there's a postal strike.
That's just about it for today.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying go on out there
and make it a great evening, Seattle.
Hey, before you go, there's a fan in the hall who'd like your autograph.
Oh, God, save me from my adoring fans.
Oh! Oh, but not from the adorable ones.
Hello. My producer told me you wanted an autograph.
How should I make this out?
You disgust me, you parasitic fraud!
Well, that's certainly different from the usual "best regards."
Wait a minute! Don't walk away from me!
For once you're going to face the consequences of what happens
after you hang up on your callers.
What consequences, what are you talking about?
I'm Marco's girlfriend.
Excuse me, ex-girlfriend, thanks to you.
Marco? You mean the Marco "who didn't want to commit" Marco?
You damn radio shrinks!
You couldn't just tell him to stick with it.
That kind of advice doesn't get big ratings.
No. "Break up with her, get on with your life and ruin hers."
Now that's entertainment!
Now hold on one minute! Did you actually listen to the show?
No.
But Marco told me what you said.
Oh, he did, did he?
Did he also mention that he said
that he was only staying with you to keep his options open?
Because that's what he told me!
To be exact he said he was only staying with you until somebody better came along!
- He said that? - He said that to most of Seattle.
Apparently you're the only one who missed it.
So it wasn't that he didn't want to commit,
he just didn't want to commit to me.
Well, I'm terribly sorry I had to tell you.
But at least now you know the truth.
Oh, no, oh, no, no.
Don't-- Don't cry.
You're in a place of business here.
Oh, boy, I can really pick them, can't I?
Oh, no, don't go there. Look, this is not your fault.
You're a terrifically attractive young woman.
Maybe a bit over-emotional.
Oh, yes, there, there. Shh.
Listen, can I-- can I get you something?
No.
- A drink of water? - No.
M and Ms?
Plain or peanut?
Whichever you like.
- Peanut. - All right.
Oh, God, I should have seen this coming.
I mean the guy practically had a coronary
when I brought a toothbrush over to keep at his apartment.
Thank you.
You want one?
- No thanks. Why don't you have a seat? - Thank you.
Well, listen here, if he was that resistant, why did you stay with him?
I had a lot invested in him.
Yes, but that's no reason to settle for someone who isn't madly in love with you.
Well, right now, I'm not sure if there are any men out there
who are actually capable of falling madly in love.
Well, of course there are.
You know, on the most basic level, men and women are the same.
We both need to be loved and to love someone.
We both want to feel that we matter to someone and that someone matters to us.
And making a commitment
to another human being is the ultimate expression of our humanity.
Wow.
Your wife is really lucky.
Well, I...
I'm sure she'd say the same thing, especially now that our marriage is over.
Well, maybe I will have one of those M and Ms.
Oh, boy.
Why are relationships always so hard?
Hey!
You like the yellow ones too?
People try to tell you they're the same.
- I know. No. - But they're not.
Well, you know, relationships don't always have to be so hard.
I remember back in med school I heard of a documented case where a man and woman met,
got along and actually lived happily ever after.
Yeah, I don't mind the happily ever after part, it's the dating part.
If I have to tell one more stranger the fascinating story of my life
over northern Italian cuisine, I'm going to choke on a breadstick.
Yes, I know.
Yeah, I just keep thinking maybe we could just exchange resumes over appetizers.
Half the time I'm ready to exchange goodbyes over appetizers.
Well, at least you don't get stuck with the bill.
God, you haven't dated much lately, have you?
No.
I usually end up in restaurants alone.
Well, I can't do that.
I even have to turn on the TV at home
so at least it feels like there's someone else in the room.
Is that what you'll be doing tonight?
Well, unless I just keep eating M and Ms,
which is a distinct possibility.
...soft and supple,
yet strong, right down to the beautiful almond-shaped nails.
You really see all that in my hand?
I'm late. I've got to go to work.
Oh. Wait, wait.
We haven't decided what we're going to do tonight. Antonio's? LeCigare Volant?
We've gone out the last three nights. Why don't we just stay in?
That's a great idea. Tell you what,
I'll send Dad and Daphne off to the movies, I'll cook for you.
Be at my place at 8:00.
I won't be able to make it till 8:30.
- I've got to change. - Oh, no, no, no.
Don't ever change. I like you just the way you are.
Come on! Come on! I'm a little out of practice!
I'll see you later, okay?
Bye!
I'll dispense with the usual adolescent teasing and come straight to the point.
Who was that babe-o-rama?
Niles, please don't try to be hip.
You remind me of Bob Hope when he dresses up as the Fonz.
Her name is Catherine.
- So, how long have you known her? - Three days.
Have you two, uh--?
No, as if it's any of your business.
- But you're--? - Well, yes, soon.
- We are talking about--? - Of course we are!
- Sex, right? - Yes!
So, how did you two meet?
Well, it was one of those funny things.
She came down to the radio station to chew me out.
- You're kidding. - No.
A few days earlier, her boyfriend had called into the show
and I advised him to break up with her.
Frasier!
Frasier, where are your ethics?
You can't date someone who's involved with one of your patients!
Marco is not a patient! He's a caller! There's a huge difference.
So, I talked to him days before I met Catherine.
Hmm, rationalization. The last refuge of an unsound--
Rationalization. Is that what you're gonna pull?
That kind of rationalization you have always done and...
I am not rationalizing!
There's nothing wrong here.
As long as your conscience is clear.
I'm not sure mine would be.
Well, frankly, I don't care about your conscience.
And I don't need your approval. I don't need you to like it.
In fact, I don't need you for anything.
Oh, by the way, Niles, my car's in the shop.
- I need a ride home tonight. - No problem.
Twenty seconds and I've got news for you.
Marco's on line two.
Marco?
Oh, you know, the guy you got out of the way
so you could keep his girlfriend for yourself?
Ten seconds!
I'm not talking to him. I don't want to talk to him.
- There's no way I'm talking to him. - Three, two...
Hi. We're back.
Roz, whom do we have on the line?
We have Marco on line two.
Who's this on line three?
Oh, Todd.
Oops. Darn, we lost Todd.
But lucky for you we still have Marco on line two.
Thank you, Roz.
- Hello, Marco. - Hi, Dr. Crane.
I spoke to you the other day and I took your advice.
I broke up with my girlfriend.
Well, what can I say but, uh, "Bravo, Marco."
Roz, who's our next caller?
Wait, you haven't heard my problem.
I think she's already dating someone else.
It really makes me nuts.
What makes you think she's seeing someone else?
Well, the other night, I couldn't get her on the phone.
So I drove by her house and I saw her parked outside talking
to some guy in a black BMW.
Did you, uh, you get a good look at the guy?
No. It was too dark.
I think I made a big mistake, doc.
Do you think I should ask her to take me back?
No!
What I mean is, uh, no!
Marco, you don't want your ex-girlfriend back.
You just don't want anybody else to have her!
Isn't that true?
- Well, I... - No, it's called jealousy, Marco.
Now you've got to stop spying on your ex-girlfriend and get on with your life.
Borrow a page from my book, move to a new city, a new state,
find out why everyone's talking about Pittsburgh.
We'll be right back after these messages.
What?
- Thanks for coming to get me. - No problem, Frasier.
It's only a few miles out of my way at rush hour.
But I didn't mind, really.
It gave me a chance to listen to your show.
I see.
I just have one question for you.
Can you honestly tell me that the advice you gave Marco
was based on his best interests and not on your own?
Well that's an interesting question, Niles.
And I'll tell you something, I don't care.
I'm in love and I don't care. Catherine is mine now.
I'm in and Marco's out.
You're insane.
Perhaps. But you just ran a stop sign.
Not now! We're in the middle of an intersection!
I'll tell you, Niles, I haven't felt this way in ages.
There's an excitement about this. I feel tingly!
What does your stomach have to say about this?
- My, stomach? - You know what I'm talking about.
Ever since you were a child,
if you even approached a breach of ethics you'd get queasy.
Actually, you'd get physically sick.
Well, at least when it came to ethics I didn't get spontaneous nosebleeds.
Remember the time we lifted that dollar bill from Mom's change purse?
We left quite a gruesome trail back to the tree house that day.
But you see, Niles, you've proved my point.
I'm not the least bit queasy. I'm fine.
My head, my heart, my gastrointestinal system,
they're all shouting the same thing, "It's okay!"
Niles, Niles, this is a new car?
Yes. Actually it is.
A patient of mine got me a huge break on a lease.
Frasier, do you have a handkerchief?
Mm! That was the most delicious Salmon Marseilles I've ever tasted!
Well, you should try my "salmon chanted evening."
Tell me you didn't say that.
No. It was just the Lafitte talking. "Lafitte don't fail me now!"
Come on! Stop! Stop!
So, uh, have you ever made love in the kitchen?
Well, the dishes are done.
- What's the matter? - I'm sorry.
I'm suddenly feeling a little queasy.
Maybe I'm just not a kitchen person.
Well, maybe you're just a little too warm?
- Yeah? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
- You know, you look awfully warm, too. - Oh, I am!
- Oh, my God! - Oh!
I'm sorry, would you mind if we-- if we moved to the sofa?
I'm not going to be outperformed by a Barcalounger.
Oh, no, oh.
- Oh, this, is... - Yes, it is--
What? Was I kneeling on you?
Maybe I need some fresh air.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine! I'm fine!
Oh, damn, it wasn't the fish.
Well, you know there's a bug going around.
It's not a bug.
Well, what is it, then?
It's us.
Every time we touch and kiss, I get queasy.
Wait, are you telling me the thought of making love to me
makes you sick to your stomach?
Yes! But don't take it personally.
It's not you.
It's me.
Every time I come close to breaching my ethics, I end up getting sick.
What are you talking about?
Marco called into the show today and he said he was thinking
about getting back with you and I told him not to.
- So? - So I just had a feeling that,
maybe I told him that not because it was good for him
but because it was good for me.
Frasier.
Who cares?
Well, I care.
Look, any psychiatrist worth his salt would care.
That's why we don't get involved with our patients, or their girlfriends.
Are you, are you saying you want to break up with me?
No, I don't want to. I have to.
If I don't, I'll throw up all over your shoes.
I can't believe this is happening.
- God, how can this be so easy for you? - Easy?
This is killing me! You think I don't want to pick you up right now,
carry you over to that Eames Classic and show you
why it's the best engineered chair in the world?
- Well, why don't you then? - I told you, I can't.
And nothing I can say will change your mind?
I'm sorry.
Well, thank you, Dr. Crane!
First you screw things up with Marco and now you're dumping me.
God! And to think I was going to have sex with you.
And it was going to be hot.
Oh, like you've never had before.
I'm talking steamy, sweat dripping down your back,
neighbors pounding on the walls, illegal in 48 states kind of sex!
But, hey, you're okay, you won't be alone tonight.
No, you've got your ethics!
Oh, by the way, the fish was dry.
Oh, that was a cheap shot!
How I envy you, Eddie.
The biggest questions you face are, "Who's going to walk me?"
"Who's going to feed me?"
I won't know that kind of joy for another 40 years.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads And scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
♪ Goodnight, Seattle, we love you ♪