1 00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,004 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:14,097 [Frasier] You're listening to KACL, 780 on your A.M. dial. 3 00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:15,557 This is Dr. Frasier Crane. 4 00:00:16,225 --> 00:00:19,019 All our lines are open, so please give us a call. 5 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,232 I'm just sitting here waiting. 6 00:00:23,941 --> 00:00:25,150 [Frasier chuckles] 7 00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:27,611 Hey, Seattle, come on, I know you're out there. 8 00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:28,654 [chuckles] 9 00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:30,989 Hey, look, I realize it's a sunny day, 10 00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:33,450 but on all those rainy days, I was there for you. 11 00:00:36,578 --> 00:00:37,746 Well, all right then. 12 00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:39,998 If that's the way you want it, you leave me no recourse. 13 00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,333 [clears throat] 14 00:00:41,333 --> 00:00:46,171 ♪ When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza... ♪ 15 00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:48,715 Ah, it seems to have gotten you going there. Okay! 16 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:50,300 All right then. 17 00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:53,053 I knew you were out there. 18 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,514 Okay, Roz, who do we have? 19 00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:57,599 We have Gary from Issaquah on line two. 20 00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,518 He and his wife had a big fight. 21 00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:01,270 Sorry to hear that, Gar. 22 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,313 Uh... I'm listening. 23 00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:04,690 [Gary] Well, you see, Dr. Crane, 24 00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:07,317 my wife's hell-bent on going to Italy this year. 25 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:08,860 Ah, Italia. 26 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,863 The rolling hills of To scan a, 27 00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:14,241 the art of Firenze, 28 00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:16,785 the passion that is Venezia. 29 00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:19,204 Yeah. Well, anyway... 30 00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:23,417 I like taking a vacation as much as the next guy 31 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,210 but I say if we dip into our savings, 32 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:28,922 the first thing we should buy is a new sump pump for the basement. 33 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,757 - At least with that-- - Listen, Gary. 34 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,050 Let me just stop you right there. 35 00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:34,845 I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with your wife on this one. 36 00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:37,556 But the trip to Italy costs 1800 bucks, 37 00:01:37,556 --> 00:01:40,642 and that doesn't include the "Splendors of the Vatican" package. 38 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:44,771 Gary, there is more to life than sump pumps. 39 00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:47,482 What ever happened to feeding our souls? 40 00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:49,610 Look, for example, 41 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:53,071 I recently purchased a painting by one of this country's premier artists. 42 00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:55,073 Oh, it's not important who. Well... 43 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:58,410 Well, it's Seattle's own Martha Paxton. But, uh... 44 00:01:58,910 --> 00:01:59,995 Practical? No. 45 00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:03,165 But ever since acquiring that painting, 46 00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:05,500 I look at it every day and there's not a moment when I do 47 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:09,087 that I'm not uplifted by its beauty. 48 00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:11,882 So, Gary, go to Italy. 49 00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:14,843 Bring back a suitcase full of memories. 50 00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:15,927 Will you do that? 51 00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:18,639 I still think I should get the sump pump. 52 00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:24,936 Well, then, yes, Gary, you... You should get the sump pump. 53 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:28,315 We'll be right back after this news break. 54 00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:34,780 Roz. Uh, just what is a sump pump? 55 00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:37,366 If you need one, you'll know. 56 00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:39,451 - Oh. - Listen, do you really own a Paxton 57 00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:42,037 or were you just blowing sunshine up Gary's skirt? 58 00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:44,081 Yes, indeed, I do own a Paxton. 59 00:02:44,081 --> 00:02:46,124 Well, you'll be happy to know she's on line three. 60 00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:47,084 Oh, my God. 61 00:02:47,084 --> 00:02:49,252 Roz, she's the preeminent neophobist of the 20th century. 62 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,505 - How could you put her on hold? - Well, the phone rang. 63 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:52,798 I pushed the little button... 64 00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:57,386 Yes, hello, Ms. Paxton. Oh, I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting. 65 00:02:57,386 --> 00:03:00,430 Uh... Well, thank you. 66 00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:03,975 Yes. Oh, well, I'm very flattered that you listen to my little show. 67 00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:05,060 [chuckles] 68 00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:07,229 Yes. Oh. Well, yes, I meant every word. 69 00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:11,817 Oh, that's lovely. I'd-- I'd-- I'd like to meet you, too, sometime. 70 00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:15,320 As a matter of fact, I'm having a few friends over 71 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,739 for a little gathering, uh, this Friday night 72 00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,658 for some cocktails and such, and... 73 00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:21,451 Well, I suppose you're far too-- 74 00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:24,955 You would? Oh, that's marvelous! 75 00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:27,749 Well, all right, that's the Elliot Bay Towers, 76 00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:30,752 on the counterbalance. Around 7 is just fine. 77 00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:33,964 And, uh... Well, I'll see you then. Um... 78 00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:34,798 Ciao! 79 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,593 I didn't know you were having a cocktail party. 80 00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:39,970 That makes two of us. 81 00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:46,977 [jazz music playing on piano] 82 00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:52,441 [Daphne] Well, me theory on death is 83 00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:56,695 first you whisk down a long dark tunnel towards a beautiful white light. 84 00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:58,947 You suddenly get all the jokes you never got before. 85 00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:01,700 You let out a little chuckle and then you die. 86 00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:03,452 [laughs] 87 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:06,371 That's a delightful story, Daphne, but, you know, 88 00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:08,331 I think the toast points need replenishing. 89 00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:09,374 Be right on it. 90 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,754 Enchanting. Just enchanting. 91 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,673 My God, Niles, why is no one eating the mousseline of duck? 92 00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:19,843 Oh, you mangy little cur. 93 00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:21,845 Get. Get. Get. Oh. 94 00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:24,389 Now we know why. [clears throat] 95 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,731 Look, Niles, the dog is eating the food, 96 00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:34,316 the pianist is too intrusive, 97 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:36,026 the pinot noir is far too stagy. 98 00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:38,987 And it's 5 past 7 and Martha isn't even here yet. 99 00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:41,198 I'm not going to have to sedate you, am I? 100 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:44,993 No, I'm just a bit on edge. I want everything so perfect. 101 00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:48,205 By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night. 102 00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:50,165 - She's on your bed. - My bed? 103 00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:52,417 Yes. She's asleep under the guests' coats. 104 00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:57,964 She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting. 105 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,719 Niles, she's supposed to be looking after Dad. 106 00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,387 That's the only reason you're here, remember? 107 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,056 Dad is in the bathroom. Don't worry. 108 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:07,390 [doorbell rings] 109 00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:11,978 That must be "La Paxton." 110 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,105 And fashionably late, of course. 111 00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,198 Oh, hi, Roz. It's you. 112 00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:25,992 And you look radiant. 113 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,327 I look like crap. 114 00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:30,956 I got a spot on my dress, I over-plucked one eyebrow 115 00:05:30,956 --> 00:05:34,835 and the crotch of my pantyhose is creeping down to my knees. 116 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,217 Couldn't you have done that on the elevator? 117 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,762 Oh, my goodness, Roz, you've got a neck. 118 00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:50,934 Jeez, so, what do you think of the place? 119 00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,602 Is it everything you imagined it would be? 120 00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:57,023 Well, to be frank, Frasier, I don't spend my idle hours imagining how you live. 121 00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,694 But I did expect lots of beige. 122 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,612 - And, look, I was right. - Oh. 123 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,781 Would you like a drink? 124 00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,950 - Sure. Something light would be nice. - Young man. 125 00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:09,953 Double bourbon, rocks. And spill a little in the glass. 126 00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:14,666 Oh, Daphne, you're here too. 127 00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:18,253 My goodness, Dr. Crane, shouldn't you be out there mixing? 128 00:06:18,253 --> 00:06:19,462 Oh, don't mind me. 129 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,256 I'm just getting some ice. 130 00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:23,967 Lovely party, isn't it? 131 00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:27,137 - Yes, it is. - Look at this fresh fennel. [sniffs] 132 00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:29,055 Oh, it smells wonderful, doesn't it? 133 00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,932 [sniffs] it certainly does. 134 00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:34,477 Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair? 135 00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:36,521 Why would I do a thing like that? 136 00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:38,398 I'm a happily married man. I love my Maris. 137 00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:41,359 - Where should I put this coat? - Just throw it on the bed. 138 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,656 So, Frasier, which one is your dad? 139 00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:49,492 Uh, well, he's the older gentleman over there talking to Bethany Van Pelt, 140 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,912 showing her the photographs. Oh, my God. 141 00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:56,958 And when we finally got to her, it was only hanging by two tendons. 142 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,296 Uh, would you excuse us, please? 143 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,591 Dad, would you stop showing these crime scene photos? 144 00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:07,218 - You're embarrassing me. - Oh, these society people eat this up. 145 00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:08,845 Besides, she was the one who brought it up. 146 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:10,764 Oh, she brought it up. 147 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:11,723 Bethany Van Pelt, 148 00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,434 the head of the Junior League, brought up the subject of a hooker 149 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,019 whose body was hideously dismembered 150 00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:18,396 and scattered all over an abandoned warehouse. 151 00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:21,107 Yeah. She asked, "Aren't these Swedish meatballs 152 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,609 the messiest things you've ever seen?" 153 00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:26,029 - And I said, "No, as a matter of fact..." - Dad, Dad, please. 154 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:28,990 All right, all right. But stop shadowing me. 155 00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:29,991 I don't need a nursemaid. 156 00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:33,203 All right, if you give me your word, that's good enough for me. 157 00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:34,204 You watch him. 158 00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,375 - Hi, Niles. - Oh, hello. 159 00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,627 - You may not remember me. I'm Roz. - Of course I remember you. 160 00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,754 Would you be a love and watch that man with the cane? 161 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:44,714 [doorbell rings] 162 00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:46,341 Everyone. 163 00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:53,765 Dr. Crane? 164 00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,059 I'm Martha Paxton. 165 00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:58,269 Oh, of course. Who else could you be? 166 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:02,440 Welcome to my salon. 167 00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:06,319 Everyone. 168 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,488 Everyone, your attention, please. 169 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,199 I'd like you all to welcome our guest of honor, 170 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:13,868 the renowned artist, Martha Paxton. 171 00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,078 [guests applauding] 172 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,582 May I take your poncho? 173 00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:23,461 No, no, no, I never take it off at parties. 174 00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:26,047 Gives me an excuse not to shake hands with people. 175 00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:27,424 Oh, how delightfully eccentric. 176 00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,259 You must meet my brother, Niles. 177 00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:30,301 Oh, Niles. 178 00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:34,556 Ms. Paxton, Dr. Niles Crane. 179 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:35,890 It's an honor to shake your hand. 180 00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:42,397 Well, to shake anything of yours is an honor. 181 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:50,947 Now, where did you hang my painting? 182 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,533 I'm always curious to know how people live with my work. 183 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:56,244 "Live with my work." I love that phrase. 184 00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,121 If you would, right this way, please. 185 00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:01,166 I think this is the perfect spot for an ideal viewing. 186 00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:03,668 Oh, God, I've waited so long for this moment. 187 00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:05,045 I'm just going to stand back 188 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:10,967 and let you describe your work, "Elegy in Green," in your own words. 189 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:14,596 The way you insinuate the palette but never lean on it. 190 00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:17,432 You've captured the zeitgeist of our generation. 191 00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:21,227 It is the most perfect canvas it has ever been my privilege to gaze upon. 192 00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:24,606 I mean, one can only imagine what inspired you to paint it. 193 00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:26,357 I didn't paint it. 194 00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:27,442 [guests murmuring] 195 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,072 Of course you didn't. You created it. 196 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:33,782 You gave birth to it. 197 00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:37,202 I didn't do anything to it. 198 00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:40,997 I never saw this "painting" before in my whole life. 199 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,335 And you thought I was gonna embarrass you. 200 00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:54,677 - Hey, I really like your friend Roz. - What? 201 00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:57,055 Roz, at the party tonight. Nice gal. 202 00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,598 Why don't you ask her out? 203 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,643 She's great-looking and she can really hold her liquor. 204 00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:03,895 Dad, do you mind? 205 00:10:03,895 --> 00:10:06,773 I've just suffered the most humiliating evening of my life. 206 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,984 I've been made a fool of by this, this... thing. 207 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:15,573 You know, I may be just a girl from Manchester, 208 00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:16,825 but I have to tell you, 209 00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:20,203 even though it's not a Paxton, I really like that picture. 210 00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:21,996 I liked it the minute I saw it. 211 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:25,416 I liked it even before I knew who Martha Paxton was. 212 00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:28,169 And quite frankly, I don't think that woman bathes. 213 00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:33,341 Enjoy it while you can because first thing in the morning, 214 00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:35,301 this is going back to the dealer where I bought it. 215 00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:37,053 I'm demanding my money back. 216 00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:39,222 No one is gonna take advantage of Frasier Crane. 217 00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:41,474 You know, listen, Frasier, you're kind of upset about this. 218 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:43,143 Maybe I should return it for you. 219 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,019 Oh, well, Dad, I appreciate the gesture 220 00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:48,189 but really, I mean, what do you know about the art world? 221 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:50,108 Apparently, about as much as you do. 222 00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:04,455 I can see the love in your eyes. 223 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:07,834 You must have this painting. 224 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,378 - Are you the owner? - Yes, I am. 225 00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:12,046 - Phillip Hayson. - How do you do? 226 00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,424 I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. I have a little-- 227 00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:17,635 No, not the Dr. Frasier Crane from the radio? 228 00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:20,889 - Guilty, yes, but I'd like to-- - My wife and I love your show. 229 00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:22,765 Could I have your autograph before you go? 230 00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:23,933 It would be my pleasure. 231 00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,727 But, speaking of autographs, 232 00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:28,813 I have a small problem with this painting. 233 00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,482 I'm really distressed to hear that. Would you like a glass of wine? 234 00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:33,234 - Well, actually-- - My wife and I 235 00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:35,486 toured the Loire Valley last year 236 00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:38,615 and we couldn't resist buying four cases of this. 237 00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:41,743 It's really quite extraordinary. I hope you like it. 238 00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:43,786 I'd really rather not have any wine at the moment. 239 00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:45,038 Just try it. 240 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,501 That's rather nice, isn't it? It finishes well, doesn't it? 241 00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:53,213 - Very well. Would you like--? - No, no, no, thank you. 242 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,714 Getting back to my problem, 243 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,549 I recently gave a small but elegant soirée 244 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,802 at which Martha Paxton was in attendance, you see, 245 00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:04,849 and she told me that this painting was not her work. 246 00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:08,102 Oh, dear, I can imagine how embarrassing that must have been. 247 00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:09,938 I doubt you can, Mr. Hayson. 248 00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:11,189 Please, Phillip. 249 00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:14,776 Let's take a look at that in a slightly better light, shall we? 250 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,198 Oh, yes, I remember this. It's breathtaking. 251 00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:22,033 - Yes, well... - Ronald, Diane. 252 00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:24,035 Will you step in here a moment, please? 253 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,372 Do you remember when this piece was in the gallery? 254 00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:29,707 Everyone who saw it wanted it. 255 00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:32,043 Yes, it's a very special piece. 256 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:34,379 Mrs. Chicarelli was heartbroken when it was sold. 257 00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:35,338 Oh, I remember that. 258 00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:38,716 Yes, I'm sure she was, but you see, it's not a Paxton. 259 00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:40,802 But it says right here that it is a Paxton. 260 00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:42,053 The signature. 261 00:12:42,053 --> 00:12:44,055 Looks exactly like a... 262 00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,557 Martha Paxton says that it's not a Paxton. 263 00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:49,143 Oh, Martha. How is the old dear? 264 00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:51,688 You know, she and I go back a long way. 265 00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:52,897 Is she still...? 266 00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,149 As a Crenshaw melon, yes. 267 00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,736 - Would you like a little more wine? - No, I don't want any wine. 268 00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:00,905 - I want to discuss this painting. - Oh, so would I. 269 00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:02,240 Maybe some brie. 270 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,784 No, I... No brie. I don't want any brie. 271 00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:07,161 Look, I want my money back. 272 00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:08,997 Oh, well... [chuckles] 273 00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:11,708 That's where things might just get a bit prickly. 274 00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:14,377 You see, we have a strict policy here at the Hayson Gallery. 275 00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,087 All sales are final. 276 00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:18,089 But in this case, you're willing to make an exception. 277 00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:20,883 - Oh, I'd love to, but I can't. - Yes, but it's a forgery. 278 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:23,386 Well, if it is, it's a damn good one. [giggles] 279 00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:25,972 All right, all right, I'm gonna make this simple. 280 00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:28,099 I want my money. 281 00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:29,392 I'm sure you do. 282 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,565 Oh, I know what you're doing. You're, you're handling me. 283 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:38,860 You're agreeing with everything I say hoping I'll tire and go away. 284 00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:39,944 Whatever you say. 285 00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:42,780 I don't believe it. 286 00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:46,284 You're... You're shining me on. You are shining me on. 287 00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:48,953 Where is the fairness in this? Where is the justice? 288 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:54,500 Dr. Crane, if you ever find justice in this world, 289 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,127 let me know, will you? 290 00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,213 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some work to do. 291 00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:00,465 Oh, what? 292 00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:03,801 Did a crate of freshly painted Rembrandts just arrive? 293 00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:06,137 Damn it, you're not getting away with this. 294 00:14:06,137 --> 00:14:10,558 I am not leaving. I'm not leaving. I am not leaving. 295 00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,102 [keys jingling] 296 00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:21,277 What are you still doing with that? I thought you were gonna return it. 297 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:22,862 They wouldn't take it back. 298 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:26,115 All I got was some attitude and a cheap glass of wine. 299 00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,784 Loire Valley, my ass. 300 00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:33,122 What are you gonna do now? 301 00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:35,166 Well, they forced my hand. I'm gonna call the police. 302 00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:37,085 - 555-3000. - Thanks, Dad. 303 00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:41,589 Trying to mess with Dr. Frasier Crane. I'll teach them. 304 00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:43,466 Hello, yes, uh... 305 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,760 Oh, just a second. Dad, who do I ask for? 306 00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:49,055 Have them put you through to the Fine Arts Forgery Department. 307 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:49,889 Right. 308 00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:53,935 Hello, yes, the Fine Arts Forgery Department, please. 309 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,987 Dad, they're laughing at me. 310 00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:08,074 Give me the phone. 311 00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:12,203 Hi. Who's this? 312 00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:14,497 Hey, Doris. Yeah, it's Marty Crane. 313 00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:16,707 Yeah, that was my son. 314 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:18,835 [chuckles] 315 00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:22,255 Yeah, I just thought that he needed a bite of a reality sandwich. 316 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:25,842 Yeah. Yeah, give my best to the guys. 317 00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,301 Thanks. Yeah, bye. 318 00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:29,178 What was that? 319 00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:32,265 Frasier, the boys downtown have got their hands full of murders and robberies. 320 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,559 They don't have time for this artsy-fartsy stuff. 321 00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:37,186 Jeez, Dad, but what am I supposed to do? I've been cheated. 322 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,986 What were you two doing back there? 323 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,281 Maris lost her earring at the party last night. 324 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,992 Daphne was good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while I-- 325 00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:51,951 Yes...? 326 00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:57,123 Searched the credenza. 327 00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:00,501 Maybe I'll go check in the hallway. 328 00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:02,378 It might have gotten trampled into the carpet 329 00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:04,422 when everybody stampeded for the elevator. 330 00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:05,923 No one stampeded. 331 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,635 They were all just good guests. They knew when to leave. 332 00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:10,720 Two hours early. 333 00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,638 Oh, shut up, Niles. 334 00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:14,432 Oh, I see. 335 00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:15,683 Am I to ascribe this foul mood 336 00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:18,227 to the fact that you were unable to unload the bogus Paxton? 337 00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:19,270 Yes. 338 00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,647 Jeez, I know, Niles. Uh... 339 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,400 What is the name of that really vicious lawyer that you use? 340 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,943 The one I used to sue the contractor 341 00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:27,445 or the one I used to sue the personal trainer? 342 00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:28,362 The meanest. 343 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:31,157 That would be the second one. I used him to sue the first one. 344 00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:32,783 All right. 345 00:16:32,783 --> 00:16:34,577 Just give me his number, will you? 346 00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:36,245 [Martin] Ah, forget it, Frasier. 347 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,955 Five years of litigation 348 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:40,875 and you'll end up paying eight times what you paid for the painting. 349 00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:42,210 [Niles] He's right about that. 350 00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:43,753 God, I hate lawyers. 351 00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:44,795 Oh, me too. 352 00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:46,088 But they make wonderful patients. 353 00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,466 They have excellent health insurance and they never get better. 354 00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:57,058 Say, I know, I know. I can use my radio show. 355 00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:58,392 Why didn't I think of this earlier? 356 00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:01,687 I can use my bully pulpit to expose that man for the fraud that he is. 357 00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:04,607 No, Frasier, that's slander. He'll sue you for everything you've got. 358 00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,984 Damn it, Niles, where is the justice? 359 00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,194 Where am I supposed to turn to? 360 00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:11,364 I'm a beloved household personality and I've been screwed. 361 00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:15,076 For God's sake, Frasier, you're 41 years old. 362 00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:16,994 It's time you learned something. 363 00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:18,454 The system ain't perfect. 364 00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:20,748 Sometimes the bad guy wins. 365 00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:23,042 And all those things you thought would be around to help you, 366 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,461 the courts and the police department, 367 00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,588 well, sometimes they're just not there when you need them. 368 00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:30,424 So you can either let it eat a hole in your stomach 369 00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:33,928 or you can just file it away under the heading "Sometimes Life Sucks." 370 00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:38,349 Yeah, well, that file's getting pretty thick. 371 00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:46,190 So that's that, huh? Hayson just gets away with it. 372 00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:48,025 He's sitting there right now with his brie 373 00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:51,487 and his wine and his little chuckle at my expense. 374 00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:54,949 I finally understand why people take matters into their own hands. 375 00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:58,619 It would be so satisfying right now to just slash his tires 376 00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:01,998 or throw a brick through his window or something. 377 00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,917 Just so he'd learn that you don't do this to people and get away with it. 378 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,419 Yes, well, I know you, Frasier, 379 00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,796 and I know you would never resort to that sort of thing. 380 00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:11,424 Would you, Frasier? 381 00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:16,762 There's a vein throbbing in your forehead. 382 00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:19,849 [door opens] 383 00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:22,476 Well, I couldn't find it in the hallway, 384 00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,353 but let me give it one last try. 385 00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:27,857 Could you give me the matching earring? Maybe I'll get something from it. 386 00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:31,235 Oh, yes, I'm getting a feeling. 387 00:18:31,986 --> 00:18:35,615 It's in your father's room. No, no, it's in Dr. Crane's room. 388 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,826 No... Well, this is odd. Now it's in the hallway. 389 00:18:41,537 --> 00:18:42,622 [Niles & Daphne] Eddie! 390 00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:10,483 Good evening. 391 00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,110 Lovely night, isn't it? 392 00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:13,986 [chuckles] 393 00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:15,488 Yeah, well, uh... 394 00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:16,989 Good night. 395 00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:21,661 [horn honks] 396 00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:28,376 Get in the car. 397 00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,585 Niles, what are you doing here? 398 00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,587 Stopping you from doing something stupid. Get in. 399 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,005 I will not. 400 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:35,257 Niles, look, I know this is wrong, but I don't care. 401 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:37,760 - It's the only thing left for me. - All right, Frasier. 402 00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,681 Frasier, just give me the brick and no one will get hurt. 403 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,974 Just go away. This is no concern of yours. 404 00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:45,726 - Yes, it is. - How? 405 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,604 Remember that day in junior high school 406 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:51,023 when somebody took all my clothes while I was in the shower, 407 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:51,941 right after gym class? 408 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,610 They hung them from the goal post on the football field. 409 00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,570 I had no choice but to get a ladder 410 00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:58,864 and climb up there wearing nothing but a towel. 411 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,032 Wet and shivering. 412 00:20:00,991 --> 00:20:02,159 Then the towel fell off. 413 00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:07,832 There I was, your little brother, hanging naked from a goal post. 414 00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:09,417 And everyone was standing around laughing, 415 00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:11,836 and all Coach Medwick would do was stand there going: 416 00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:13,504 Whatever that means. 417 00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:17,258 Niles, why are you telling me this? 418 00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:20,261 Because I was so humiliated. 419 00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:23,097 I went home. I cried my eyes out. 420 00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:24,932 I swore I would get even. 421 00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:28,894 I was just about to put sugar into Coach Medwick's gas tank, 422 00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,021 and you stopped me. 423 00:20:32,022 --> 00:20:33,232 Remember what you said? 424 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:37,445 "If you act like a barbarian, you will become a barbarian." 425 00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:38,529 I said that? 426 00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:42,032 Yes, well, actually, you were more verbose at the time. 427 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:45,035 I had to listen. You were sitting on my chest. 428 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,081 Give me the brick, Frasier. 429 00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:51,709 And let him get away with this? 430 00:20:51,709 --> 00:20:54,795 I know, I know. What the gallery owner did to you was wrong. 431 00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:55,963 It was humiliating. 432 00:20:56,714 --> 00:20:58,507 But if you throw that brick through that window, 433 00:20:58,507 --> 00:21:00,801 you will have lost something more valuable than your money. 434 00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:03,137 You will have lost... 435 00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:05,639 your mind. 436 00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:07,183 Frasier, you can't do this. 437 00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:11,562 Well, Niles, if you were strong enough 438 00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:14,774 to show restraint after so much humiliation, 439 00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:16,233 not to mention the nicknames... 440 00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:17,401 Nicknames. 441 00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:20,571 - There were nicknames? - You didn't know that? 442 00:21:21,197 --> 00:21:22,448 Oh, dear God, yes, uh... 443 00:21:22,448 --> 00:21:24,533 "Peachfuzz," "Jingle Bells"... 444 00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:27,119 I can't remember the rest. 445 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,496 "Peachfuzz"? 446 00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:31,332 Yes, I believe Coach Medwick made that one up himself. 447 00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:35,169 Well, anyway, here you are. 448 00:21:35,169 --> 00:21:36,712 I won't be needing this anymore. 449 00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:39,799 I'm proud of you. 450 00:21:43,719 --> 00:21:46,514 - [alarm wailing] - My God, Niles, what have you done? 451 00:21:46,514 --> 00:21:47,932 I've struck a blow for justice. 452 00:21:47,932 --> 00:21:50,267 Nobody calls me "Peachfuzz." Now let's get the hell out of here. 453 00:21:53,270 --> 00:21:54,772 Niles, what are you doing now? 454 00:21:54,772 --> 00:21:57,024 We may be barbarians, but we pay for our pillaging. 455 00:21:59,068 --> 00:22:02,488 Come on. Come on. Go, go! Go, go, go! 456 00:22:06,784 --> 00:22:09,036 [theme song playing] 457 00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:14,792 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 458 00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:15,668 ♪ Oh, my ♪ 459 00:22:16,669 --> 00:22:19,380 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪ 460 00:22:19,380 --> 00:22:21,674 ♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪ 461 00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:23,884 ♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪ 462 00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:25,469 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 463 00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:28,848 ♪ With those tossed salads And scrambled eggs ♪ 464 00:22:30,808 --> 00:22:32,142 ♪ They're callin' again ♪ 465 00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:36,397 Scrambled eggs all over my face. 466 00:22:36,397 --> 00:22:37,898 What is a boy to do? 467 00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:43,612 Frasier has left the building.