1
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:14,096
You're listening to KACL,
780 on your A.M. dial.
2
00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:15,557
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
3
00:00:16,225 --> 00:00:19,019
All our lines are open,
so please give us a call.
4
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,232
I'm just sitting here waiting.
5
00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:27,610
Hey, Seattle, come on,
I know you're out there.
6
00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:30,988
Hey, look, I realize it's a sunny day,
7
00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:33,450
but on all those rainy days,
I was there for you.
8
00:00:36,578 --> 00:00:37,745
Well, all right then.
9
00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:39,997
If that's the way you want it,
you leave me no recourse.
10
00:00:41,333 --> 00:00:46,170
♪ When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza... ♪
11
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:48,714
Ah, it seems to have
gotten you going there. Okay!
12
00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:50,300
All right then.
13
00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:53,052
I knew you were out there.
14
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,513
Okay, Roz, who do we have?
15
00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:57,598
We have Gary from Issaquah on line two.
16
00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,518
He and his wife had a big fight.
17
00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:01,269
Sorry to hear that, Gar.
18
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,312
Uh... I'm listening.
19
00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:04,689
Well, you see, Dr. Crane,
20
00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:07,316
my wife's hell-bent
on going to Italy this year.
21
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:08,860
Ah, Italia.
22
00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,863
The rolling hills of To scan a,
23
00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:14,240
the art of Firenze,
24
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:16,785
the passion that is Venezia.
25
00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:19,204
Yeah. Well, anyway...
26
00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:23,416
I like taking a vacation
as much as the next guy
27
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,209
but I say if we dip into our savings,
28
00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:28,921
the first thing we should buy
is a new sump pump for the basement.
29
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,756
- At least with that--
- Listen, Gary.
30
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,049
Let me just stop you right there.
31
00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:34,844
I'm afraid I'm going to have to side
with your wife on this one.
32
00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:37,555
But the trip to Italy costs 1800 bucks,
33
00:01:37,556 --> 00:01:40,641
and that doesn't include the
"Splendors of the Vatican" package.
34
00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:44,770
Gary, there is more
to life than sump pumps.
35
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:47,482
What ever happened to feeding our souls?
36
00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:49,609
Look, for example,
37
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:53,070
I recently purchased a painting
by one of this country's premier artists.
38
00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:55,073
Oh, it's not important who. Well...
39
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:58,410
Well, it's Seattle's own Martha Paxton.
But, uh...
40
00:01:58,910 --> 00:01:59,994
Practical? No.
41
00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:03,164
But ever since acquiring that painting,
42
00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:05,499
I look at it every day
and there's not a moment when I do
43
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:09,086
that I'm not uplifted by its beauty.
44
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:11,882
So, Gary, go to Italy.
45
00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:14,842
Bring back a suitcase full of memories.
46
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:15,926
Will you do that?
47
00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:18,639
I still think I should get the sump pump.
48
00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:24,936
Well, then, yes, Gary, you...
You should get the sump pump.
49
00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:28,315
We'll be right back after this news break.
50
00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:34,780
Roz. Uh, just what is a sump pump?
51
00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:37,365
If you need one, you'll know.
52
00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:39,450
- Oh.
- Listen, do you really own a Paxton
53
00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:42,036
or were you just blowing sunshine
up Gary's skirt?
54
00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:44,080
Yes, indeed, I do own a Paxton.
55
00:02:44,081 --> 00:02:46,123
Well, you'll be happy to know
she's on line three.
56
00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:47,083
Oh, my God.
57
00:02:47,084 --> 00:02:49,251
Roz, she's the preeminent neophobist
of the 20th century.
58
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,504
- How could you put her on hold?
- Well, the phone rang.
59
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:52,798
I pushed the little button...
60
00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:57,385
Yes, hello, Ms. Paxton.
Oh, I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting.
61
00:02:57,386 --> 00:03:00,429
Uh... Well, thank you.
62
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:03,974
Yes. Oh, well, I'm very flattered
that you listen to my little show.
63
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:07,229
Yes. Oh. Well, yes, I meant every word.
64
00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:11,816
Oh, that's lovely. I'd-- I'd-- I'd like
to meet you, too, sometime.
65
00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:15,319
As a matter of fact,
I'm having a few friends over
66
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,738
for a little gathering,
uh, this Friday night
67
00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,657
for some cocktails and such, and...
68
00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:21,450
Well, I suppose you're far too--
69
00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:24,954
You would? Oh, that's marvelous!
70
00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:27,748
Well, all right,
that's the Elliot Bay Towers,
71
00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:30,751
on the counterbalance.
Around 7 is just fine.
72
00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:33,963
And, uh... Well, I'll see you then. Um...
73
00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:34,798
Ciao!
74
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,592
I didn't know you were having
a cocktail party.
75
00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:39,970
That makes two of us.
76
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:52,440
Well, me theory on death is
77
00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:56,694
first you whisk down a long dark tunnel
towards a beautiful white light.
78
00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:58,946
You suddenly get all the jokes
you never got before.
79
00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:01,699
You let out a little chuckle
and then you die.
80
00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:06,370
That's a delightful story, Daphne,
but, you know,
81
00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:08,330
I think the toast points
need replenishing.
82
00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:09,374
Be right on it.
83
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,753
Enchanting. Just enchanting.
84
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,673
My God, Niles, why is no one eating
the mousseline of duck?
85
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:19,842
Oh, you mangy little cur.
86
00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:21,845
Get. Get. Get. Oh.
87
00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:24,389
Now we know why.
88
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,730
Look, Niles, the dog is eating the food,
89
00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:34,315
the pianist is too intrusive,
90
00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:36,025
the pinot noir is far too stagy.
91
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:38,986
And it's 5 past 7
and Martha isn't even here yet.
92
00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:41,198
I'm not going to have to sedate you, am I?
93
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:44,993
No, I'm just a bit on edge.
I want everything so perfect.
94
00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:48,204
By the way, where's Maris?
I haven't seen her all night.
95
00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:50,164
- She's on your bed.
- My bed?
96
00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:52,417
Yes. She's asleep under the guests' coats.
97
00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:57,964
She exhausts easily
under the pressure to be interesting.
98
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,718
Niles, she's supposed
to be looking after Dad.
99
00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,386
That's the only reason
you're here, remember?
100
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,055
Dad is in the bathroom. Don't worry.
101
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:11,977
That must be "La Paxton."
102
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,105
And fashionably late, of course.
103
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,198
Oh, hi, Roz. It's you.
104
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:25,991
And you look radiant.
105
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,327
I look like crap.
106
00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:30,955
I got a spot on my dress,
I over-plucked one eyebrow
107
00:05:30,956 --> 00:05:34,835
and the crotch of my pantyhose
is creeping down to my knees.
108
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,217
Couldn't you have done that
on the elevator?
109
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,762
Oh, my goodness, Roz, you've got a neck.
110
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:50,933
Jeez, so, what do you think of the place?
111
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,601
Is it everything you imagined it would be?
112
00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:57,023
Well, to be frank, Frasier, I don't spend
my idle hours imagining how you live.
113
00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,693
But I did expect lots of beige.
114
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,612
- And, look, I was right.
- Oh.
115
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,780
Would you like a drink?
116
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,949
- Sure. Something light would be nice.
- Young man.
117
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:09,953
Double bourbon, rocks.
And spill a little in the glass.
118
00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:14,666
Oh, Daphne, you're here too.
119
00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:18,252
My goodness, Dr. Crane,
shouldn't you be out there mixing?
120
00:06:18,253 --> 00:06:19,461
Oh, don't mind me.
121
00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,256
I'm just getting some ice.
122
00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:23,967
Lovely party, isn't it?
123
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:27,136
- Yes, it is.
- Look at this fresh fennel.
124
00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:29,054
Oh, it smells wonderful, doesn't it?
125
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,932
it certainly does.
126
00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:34,476
Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?
127
00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:36,520
Why would I do a thing like that?
128
00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:38,398
I'm a happily married man.
I love my Maris.
129
00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:41,359
- Where should I put this coat?
- Just throw it on the bed.
130
00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,655
So, Frasier, which one is your dad?
131
00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:49,491
Uh, well, he's the older gentleman
over there talking to Bethany Van Pelt,
132
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,912
showing her the photographs. Oh, my God.
133
00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:56,958
And when we finally got to her,
it was only hanging by two tendons.
134
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,296
Uh, would you excuse us, please?
135
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,590
Dad, would you stop showing
these crime scene photos?
136
00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:07,217
- You're embarrassing me.
- Oh, these society people eat this up.
137
00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:08,844
Besides, she was the one
who brought it up.
138
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:10,763
Oh, she brought it up.
139
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:11,722
Bethany Van Pelt,
140
00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,433
the head of the Junior League,
brought up the subject of a hooker
141
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,018
whose body was hideously dismembered
142
00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:18,395
and scattered
all over an abandoned warehouse.
143
00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:21,106
Yeah. She asked,
"Aren't these Swedish meatballs
144
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,608
the messiest things you've ever seen?"
145
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:26,028
- And I said, "No, as a matter of fact..."
- Dad, Dad, please.
146
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:28,989
All right, all right.
But stop shadowing me.
147
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:29,990
I don't need a nursemaid.
148
00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:33,202
All right, if you give me your word,
that's good enough for me.
149
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:34,204
You watch him.
150
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,374
- Hi, Niles.
- Oh, hello.
151
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,626
- You may not remember me. I'm Roz.
- Of course I remember you.
152
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,754
Would you be a love
and watch that man with the cane?
153
00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:46,341
Everyone.
154
00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:53,765
Dr. Crane?
155
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,058
I'm Martha Paxton.
156
00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:58,269
Oh, of course. Who else could you be?
157
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:02,440
Welcome to my salon.
158
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:06,318
Everyone.
159
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,487
Everyone, your attention, please.
160
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,198
I'd like you all to welcome
our guest of honor,
161
00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:13,867
the renowned artist, Martha Paxton.
162
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,582
May I take your poncho?
163
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:23,460
No, no, no,
I never take it off at parties.
164
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:26,046
Gives me an excuse
not to shake hands with people.
165
00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:27,423
Oh, how delightfully eccentric.
166
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,258
You must meet my brother, Niles.
167
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:30,301
Oh, Niles.
168
00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:34,555
Ms. Paxton, Dr. Niles Crane.
169
00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:35,890
It's an honor to shake your hand.
170
00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:42,397
Well, to shake anything of yours
is an honor.
171
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:50,946
Now, where did you hang my painting?
172
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,532
I'm always curious to know
how people live with my work.
173
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:56,243
"Live with my work." I love that phrase.
174
00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,121
If you would, right this way, please.
175
00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:01,165
I think this is the perfect spot
for an ideal viewing.
176
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:03,667
Oh, God, I've waited so long
for this moment.
177
00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:05,044
I'm just going to stand back
178
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:10,966
and let you describe your work,
"Elegy in Green," in your own words.
179
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:14,595
The way you insinuate the palette
but never lean on it.
180
00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:17,431
You've captured the zeitgeist
of our generation.
181
00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:21,226
It is the most perfect canvas it has
ever been my privilege to gaze upon.
182
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:24,605
I mean, one can only imagine
what inspired you to paint it.
183
00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:26,356
I didn't paint it.
184
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,071
Of course you didn't. You created it.
185
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:33,782
You gave birth to it.
186
00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:37,201
I didn't do anything to it.
187
00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:40,997
I never saw this "painting" before
in my whole life.
188
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,335
And you thought I was gonna embarrass you.
189
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:54,676
- Hey, I really like your friend Roz.
- What?
190
00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:57,054
Roz, at the party tonight. Nice gal.
191
00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,597
Why don't you ask her out?
192
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,643
She's great-looking
and she can really hold her liquor.
193
00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:03,894
Dad, do you mind?
194
00:10:03,895 --> 00:10:06,772
I've just suffered
the most humiliating evening of my life.
195
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,984
I've been made a fool of
by this, this... thing.
196
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:15,572
You know, I may be just a girl
from Manchester,
197
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:16,824
but I have to tell you,
198
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:20,202
even though it's not a Paxton,
I really like that picture.
199
00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:21,995
I liked it the minute I saw it.
200
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:25,415
I liked it even before I knew
who Martha Paxton was.
201
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:28,169
And quite frankly,
I don't think that woman bathes.
202
00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:33,340
Enjoy it while you can
because first thing in the morning,
203
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:35,300
this is going back to the dealer
where I bought it.
204
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:37,052
I'm demanding my money back.
205
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:39,221
No one is gonna take advantage
of Frasier Crane.
206
00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:41,473
You know, listen, Frasier,
you're kind of upset about this.
207
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:43,142
Maybe I should return it for you.
208
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,018
Oh, well, Dad, I appreciate the gesture
209
00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:48,188
but really, I mean, what do
you know about the art world?
210
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:50,108
Apparently, about as much as you do.
211
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:04,455
I can see the love in your eyes.
212
00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:07,834
You must have this painting.
213
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,377
- Are you the owner?
- Yes, I am.
214
00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:12,045
- Phillip Hayson.
- How do you do?
215
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,423
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. I have a little--
216
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:17,634
No, not the Dr. Frasier Crane
from the radio?
217
00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:20,888
- Guilty, yes, but I'd like to--
- My wife and I love your show.
218
00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:22,764
Could I have your autograph before you go?
219
00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:23,932
It would be my pleasure.
220
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,726
But, speaking of autographs,
221
00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:28,812
I have a small problem with this painting.
222
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,481
I'm really distressed to hear that.
Would you like a glass of wine?
223
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:33,233
- Well, actually--
- My wife and I
224
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:35,485
toured the Loire Valley last year
225
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:38,614
and we couldn't resist
buying four cases of this.
226
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:41,742
It's really quite extraordinary.
I hope you like it.
227
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:43,785
I'd really rather not have
any wine at the moment.
228
00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:45,038
Just try it.
229
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,500
That's rather nice, isn't it?
It finishes well, doesn't it?
230
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:53,212
- Very well. Would you like--?
- No, no, no, thank you.
231
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,713
Getting back to my problem,
232
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,548
I recently gave a small but elegant soirée
233
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,801
at which Martha Paxton
was in attendance, you see,
234
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:04,848
and she told me
that this painting was not her work.
235
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:08,101
Oh, dear, I can imagine how embarrassing
that must have been.
236
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:09,937
I doubt you can, Mr. Hayson.
237
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:11,188
Please, Phillip.
238
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:14,776
Let's take a look at that
in a slightly better light, shall we?
239
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,197
Oh, yes, I remember this.
It's breathtaking.
240
00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:22,032
- Yes, well...
- Ronald, Diane.
241
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:24,035
Will you step in here a moment, please?
242
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,371
Do you remember when this piece
was in the gallery?
243
00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:29,706
Everyone who saw it wanted it.
244
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:32,042
Yes, it's a very special piece.
245
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:34,378
Mrs. Chicarelli was heartbroken
when it was sold.
246
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:35,337
Oh, I remember that.
247
00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:38,715
Yes, I'm sure she was,
but you see, it's not a Paxton.
248
00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:40,801
But it says right here
that it is a Paxton.
249
00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:42,052
The signature.
250
00:12:42,053 --> 00:12:44,054
Looks exactly like a...
251
00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,556
Martha Paxton says that it's not a Paxton.
252
00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:49,142
Oh, Martha. How is the old dear?
253
00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:51,687
You know, she and I go back a long way.
254
00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:52,896
Is she still...?
255
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,149
As a Crenshaw melon, yes.
256
00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,735
- Would you like a little more wine?
- No, I don't want any wine.
257
00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:00,904
- I want to discuss this painting.
- Oh, so would I.
258
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:02,239
Maybe some brie.
259
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,784
No, I... No brie. I don't want any brie.
260
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:07,160
Look, I want my money back.
261
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:08,997
Oh, well...
262
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:11,707
That's where things
might just get a bit prickly.
263
00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:14,376
You see, we have a strict policy
here at the Hayson Gallery.
264
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,086
All sales are final.
265
00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:18,088
But in this case,
you're willing to make an exception.
266
00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:20,882
- Oh, I'd love to, but I can't.
- Yes, but it's a forgery.
267
00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:23,385
Well, if it is, it's a damn good one.
268
00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:25,971
All right, all right,
I'm gonna make this simple.
269
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:28,098
I want my money.
270
00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:29,392
I'm sure you do.
271
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,564
Oh, I know what you're doing.
You're, you're handling me.
272
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:38,859
You're agreeing with everything I say
hoping I'll tire and go away.
273
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:39,944
Whatever you say.
274
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:42,779
I don't believe it.
275
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:46,283
You're... You're shining me on.
You are shining me on.
276
00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:48,953
Where is the fairness in this?
Where is the justice?
277
00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:54,499
Dr. Crane, if you ever
find justice in this world,
278
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,127
let me know, will you?
279
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,212
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have some work to do.
280
00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:00,464
Oh, what?
281
00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:03,801
Did a crate of freshly painted
Rembrandts just arrive?
282
00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:06,136
Damn it, you're not getting away
with this.
283
00:14:06,137 --> 00:14:10,558
I am not leaving. I'm not leaving.
I am not leaving.
284
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:21,276
What are you still doing with that?
I thought you were gonna return it.
285
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:22,861
They wouldn't take it back.
286
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:26,114
All I got was some attitude
and a cheap glass of wine.
287
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,784
Loire Valley, my ass.
288
00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:33,121
What are you gonna do now?
289
00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:35,165
Well, they forced my hand.
I'm gonna call the police.
290
00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:37,085
- 555-3000.
- Thanks, Dad.
291
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:41,589
Trying to mess with Dr. Frasier Crane.
I'll teach them.
292
00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:43,466
Hello, yes, uh...
293
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,760
Oh, just a second.
Dad, who do I ask for?
294
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:49,054
Have them put you through to
the Fine Arts Forgery Department.
295
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:49,889
Right.
296
00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:53,935
Hello, yes, the Fine Arts
Forgery Department, please.
297
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,987
Dad, they're laughing at me.
298
00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:08,074
Give me the phone.
299
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:12,202
Hi. Who's this?
300
00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:14,497
Hey, Doris. Yeah, it's Marty Crane.
301
00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:16,707
Yeah, that was my son.
302
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:22,255
Yeah, I just thought that he needed
a bite of a reality sandwich.
303
00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:25,841
Yeah. Yeah, give my best to the guys.
304
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,301
Thanks. Yeah, bye.
305
00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:29,177
What was that?
306
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:32,264
Frasier, the boys downtown have got
their hands full of murders and robberies.
307
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,558
They don't have time
for this artsy-fartsy stuff.
308
00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:37,186
Jeez, Dad, but what am I supposed to do?
I've been cheated.
309
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,986
What were you two doing back there?
310
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,280
Maris lost her earring
at the party last night.
311
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,991
Daphne was good enough to crawl
under the bed to look for it while I--
312
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:51,951
Yes...?
313
00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:57,123
Searched the credenza.
314
00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:00,500
Maybe I'll go check in the hallway.
315
00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:02,377
It might have gotten trampled
into the carpet
316
00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:04,421
when everybody stampeded
for the elevator.
317
00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:05,923
No one stampeded.
318
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,634
They were all just good guests.
They knew when to leave.
319
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:10,720
Two hours early.
320
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,637
Oh, shut up, Niles.
321
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:14,431
Oh, I see.
322
00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:15,682
Am I to ascribe this foul mood
323
00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:18,226
to the fact that you were unable
to unload the bogus Paxton?
324
00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:19,270
Yes.
325
00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,646
Jeez, I know, Niles. Uh...
326
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,399
What is the name of that really
vicious lawyer that you use?
327
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,942
The one I used to sue the contractor
328
00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:27,444
or the one I used
to sue the personal trainer?
329
00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:28,361
The meanest.
330
00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:31,157
That would be the second one.
I used him to sue the first one.
331
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:32,782
All right.
332
00:16:32,783 --> 00:16:34,576
Just give me his number, will you?
333
00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:36,244
Ah, forget it, Frasier.
334
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,954
Five years of litigation
335
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:40,874
and you'll end up paying eight times
what you paid for the painting.
336
00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:42,209
He's right about that.
337
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:43,752
God, I hate lawyers.
338
00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:44,794
Oh, me too.
339
00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:46,087
But they make wonderful patients.
340
00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,466
They have excellent health insurance
and they never get better.
341
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:57,057
Say, I know, I know.
I can use my radio show.
342
00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:58,391
Why didn't I think of this earlier?
343
00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:01,686
I can use my bully pulpit to expose
that man for the fraud that he is.
344
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:04,606
No, Frasier, that's slander.
He'll sue you for everything you've got.
345
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,983
Damn it, Niles, where is the justice?
346
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,193
Where am I supposed to turn to?
347
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:11,364
I'm a beloved household personality
and I've been screwed.
348
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:15,075
For God's sake, Frasier,
you're 41 years old.
349
00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:16,993
It's time you learned something.
350
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:18,453
The system ain't perfect.
351
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:20,747
Sometimes the bad guy wins.
352
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:23,041
And all those things you thought
would be around to help you,
353
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,460
the courts and the police department,
354
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,587
well, sometimes they're just not there
when you need them.
355
00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:30,423
So you can either let it
eat a hole in your stomach
356
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:33,927
or you can just file it away under
the heading "Sometimes Life Sucks."
357
00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:38,349
Yeah, well,
that file's getting pretty thick.
358
00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:46,189
So that's that, huh?
Hayson just gets away with it.
359
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:48,024
He's sitting there right now with his brie
360
00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:51,487
and his wine and his little chuckle
at my expense.
361
00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:54,948
I finally understand why people
take matters into their own hands.
362
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:58,618
It would be so satisfying right now
to just slash his tires
363
00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:01,997
or throw a brick
through his window or something.
364
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,916
Just so he'd learn that you don't do
this to people and get away with it.
365
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,418
Yes, well, I know you, Frasier,
366
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,796
and I know you would never resort
to that sort of thing.
367
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:11,424
Would you, Frasier?
368
00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:16,762
There's a vein throbbing in your forehead.
369
00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:22,475
Well, I couldn't find it in the hallway,
370
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,352
but let me give it one last try.
371
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:27,857
Could you give me the matching earring?
Maybe I'll get something from it.
372
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:31,235
Oh, yes, I'm getting a feeling.
373
00:18:31,986 --> 00:18:35,614
It's in your father's room.
No, no, it's in Dr. Crane's room.
374
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,826
No... Well, this is odd.
Now it's in the hallway.
375
00:18:41,537 --> 00:18:42,622
Eddie!
376
00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:10,483
Good evening.
377
00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,109
Lovely night, isn't it?
378
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:15,488
Yeah, well, uh...
379
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:16,989
Good night.
380
00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:28,375
Get in the car.
381
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,584
Niles, what are you doing here?
382
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,586
Stopping you from doing
something stupid. Get in.
383
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,004
I will not.
384
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:35,256
Niles, look, I know this is wrong,
but I don't care.
385
00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:37,760
- It's the only thing left for me.
- All right, Frasier.
386
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,680
Frasier, just give me the brick
and no one will get hurt.
387
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,973
Just go away. This is no concern of yours.
388
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:45,726
- Yes, it is.
- How?
389
00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,603
Remember that day in junior high school
390
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:51,022
when somebody took all my clothes
while I was in the shower,
391
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:51,941
right after gym class?
392
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,609
They hung them from the goal post
on the football field.
393
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,570
I had no choice but to get a ladder
394
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:58,863
and climb up there
wearing nothing but a towel.
395
00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,032
Wet and shivering.
396
00:20:00,991 --> 00:20:02,159
Then the towel fell off.
397
00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:07,831
There I was, your little brother,
hanging naked from a goal post.
398
00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:09,416
And everyone
was standing around laughing,
399
00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:11,836
and all Coach Medwick would do
was stand there going:
400
00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:13,504
Whatever that means.
401
00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:17,257
Niles, why are you telling me this?
402
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:20,261
Because I was so humiliated.
403
00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:23,096
I went home. I cried my eyes out.
404
00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:24,931
I swore I would get even.
405
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:28,894
I was just about to put sugar
into Coach Medwick's gas tank,
406
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,021
and you stopped me.
407
00:20:32,022 --> 00:20:33,232
Remember what you said?
408
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:37,444
"If you act like a barbarian,
you will become a barbarian."
409
00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:38,529
I said that?
410
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:42,032
Yes, well, actually,
you were more verbose at the time.
411
00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:45,035
I had to listen.
You were sitting on my chest.
412
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,081
Give me the brick, Frasier.
413
00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:51,708
And let him get away with this?
414
00:20:51,709 --> 00:20:54,794
I know, I know. What the gallery owner
did to you was wrong.
415
00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:55,963
It was humiliating.
416
00:20:56,714 --> 00:20:58,506
But if you throw that brick
through that window,
417
00:20:58,507 --> 00:21:00,801
you will have lost something
more valuable than your money.
418
00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:03,137
You will have lost...
419
00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:05,638
your mind.
420
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:07,183
Frasier, you can't do this.
421
00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:11,561
Well, Niles, if you were strong enough
422
00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:14,773
to show restraint
after so much humiliation,
423
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:16,232
not to mention the nicknames...
424
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:17,401
Nicknames.
425
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:20,571
- There were nicknames?
- You didn't know that?
426
00:21:21,197 --> 00:21:22,447
Oh, dear God, yes, uh...
427
00:21:22,448 --> 00:21:24,532
"Peachfuzz," "Jingle Bells"...
428
00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:27,118
I can't remember the rest.
429
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,495
"Peachfuzz"?
430
00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:31,332
Yes, I believe Coach Medwick
made that one up himself.
431
00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:35,168
Well, anyway, here you are.
432
00:21:35,169 --> 00:21:36,712
I won't be needing this anymore.
433
00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:39,799
I'm proud of you.
434
00:21:43,719 --> 00:21:46,513
My God, Niles, what have you done?
435
00:21:46,514 --> 00:21:47,931
I've struck a blow for justice.
436
00:21:47,932 --> 00:21:50,267
Nobody calls me "Peachfuzz."
Now let's get the hell out of here.
437
00:21:53,270 --> 00:21:54,771
Niles, what are you doing now?
438
00:21:54,772 --> 00:21:57,024
We may be barbarians,
but we pay for our pillaging.
439
00:21:59,068 --> 00:22:02,488
Come on. Come on.
Go, go! Go, go, go!
440
00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:14,791
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
441
00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:15,668
♪ Oh, my ♪
442
00:22:16,669 --> 00:22:19,379
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
443
00:22:19,380 --> 00:22:21,673
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
444
00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:23,883
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
445
00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:25,468
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
446
00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:28,848
♪ With those tossed salads
And scrambled eggs ♪
447
00:22:30,808 --> 00:22:32,142
♪ They're callin' again ♪
448
00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:36,396
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
449
00:22:36,397 --> 00:22:37,898
What is a boy to do?
450
00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:43,612
Frasier has left the building.