Hello, Doug.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
I'm listening.
Yeah, well it's about my mother.
She's getting on now and she doesn't have much of a life.
And, I mean, she doesn't want to do anything
or go anywhere.
She literally hangs around the house all day.
I mean, it's very frustrating.
- And I think... - Doug. I'm sorry.
Can we just go back for a second? You said your mother
"literally" hangs around the house.
Well, I suppose it's a pet peeve of mine
but what you mean to say is that
she figuratively hangs around the house.
To "literally" hang around the house,
she'd have to be a bat or a spider monkey.
Now back to your problem.
Do you mind if we stop while I tell you my pet peeve?
Well, not at all.
I hate it when intellectual pinheads
with superiority complexes nit-pick your grammar
when you come to them for help.
That's what I've got a problem with!
I think what he means is,
that is a thing
with which he has a problem.
Well, it's time for a station break and we'll be right back
after a word from our friends at
Pizza-Pizza-Pizza.
Hey, you want to hear my pet peeve?
You're in a department store
and the clerk is right in the middle of helping you
and the phone rings.
So he starts taking care of them.
And you're left standing there going, "Excuse me,
but all I did was come all the way down here in person
while some joker is sitting at home in his underwear
getting first-rate service." Don't you hate that?
Well, actually, I do most of my shopping by phone.
Say, Roz, you know this conversation with Doug
has got me thinking about my father.
He doesn't do much of anything, either.
He just sits around most of the time watching TV
and doing the occasional crossword puzzle.
What does your mother do?
She's the Attorney General of Wisconsin.
No, really.
Really.
Well, I guess that helps fill her day.
Yeah, to quote Mom, "Crime never stops,
even in the Dairy State."
Yes, well, I don't think public office is for Dad
but, uh, well maybe I could find him a hobby or something.
You got any suggestions?
Well, in her spare time,
Mom likes to water ski a little.
She hikes, oil paints.
Oh! She likes archaeology.
She's on a dig in Honduras right now.
Well, maybe I could get him a wood-burning set.
ls Dad still asleep?
Yes. He's napping with the dog.
Eddie's little legs are going like mad.
I think he's dreaming of chasing rabbits.
I can't explain your father's twitching.
I'm just about done with this thing.
- I think your Dad's going to love it. - Yeah, me too.
I was walking through the hobby shop. I saw this and it was, "Eureka."
I said to myself, I actually said, "Eureka."
Ah, yes.
There are a million stories in the naked city.
Now if we could just find a naked one.
Dr. Crane.
You naughty boy.
- Peeking in on other people's privacy. - Oh, Daphne, really!
I mean, if people were so concerned about their precious privacy,
would they leave their blinds open at that certain angle
where you can see the mirror over the mantle
that reflects down the hall to the waterbed in the back room?
I think I hear your father coming.
Stand in front of it. We'll make this a little surprise.
Hi, guys.
- Dad. - How was your nap?
Great. But I had the strangest dream.
I dreamt this beautiful woman with bad breath was licking my face.
Hey, where'd you just come from?
Dad, I've got a surprise for you.
- Hey, a telescope! - Isn't that neat?
That's a beaut! What's the occasion?
There's no occasion. I just thought you'd like it.
Well, that's great!
Thanks!
You know I saw in the news there's a bunch of falcons
nesting in the eaves of the Columbia Tower.
- Maybe I can watch them from here. - Dad, Dad, forget the falcons.
You can see everything that's going on in that apartment building over there.
Hey, I've locked people up for that kind of behavior.
Come on, it's perfectly innocent.
Just think of it as having a hundred more channels to watch.
Just look at them.
People going about their lives.
There's an old couple watching the telly.
Oh, and just next door an attractive young woman is working at her computer.
While below her,
a burly man is using a beach towel to sop up a large pool of blood.
- Oh, my gosh! - What?
Dad...
No, that's tomato juice. You can see the can on the counter.
You were right about that woman at the computer, though.
She's a looker.
Now you see, there's a voyeur in all of us.
Now let's see what else the Seattle skyline has to offer.
I say we make a strict rule, though.
If anybody starts doing anything nasty, we move on.
Agreed?
I said, agreed?
Yeah, yeah.
Whoa!
There's a lady over there with a telescope. She's looking back at us.
- What shall we do? - Hide!
I knew it! I knew it!
Every time I do something bad I get caught!
Hi!
How are you doing?
- What are you doing? - She's waving at us. I'm waving back.
- Don't do that! - Why not?
Hey, wait, she's writing something down.
She's holding it up.
It says, "Hello there, stranger."
Hey, Daphne, quick. Get me that pad and pen.
Wait, wait, wait! What for?
I'm gonna answer her.
- Dad! - Write down, "My name is Martin."
Dad, Dad, you shouldn't encourage this person.
I don't really want people looking in on our lives.
I don't think I made my bed today!
- Is she writing anything else? - Yes.
"My name is Irene." Her name's Irene.
- Her name's Irene. - Thank you.
Wait. She's writing something else.
"Is that Dr. Crane from the radio hiding near the fireplace?"
It does not say that!
It does say that.
Hello.
Her oldest son's an accountant in Portland.
He was the breech birth, right?
No. That's the dentist in Boise.
Oh, right.
He's the one with the wife that won't let him visit. I can't stand her.
Good morning, Dad, Daphne.
Morning, Irene.
Listen, Frasier, when you were a kid,
what was the name of that skin condition you had on your butt?
Pityriasis Rose a.
- How do you spell that? - Why?
Irene and I are exchanging family histories.
Dad, I really don't think your girlfriend needs to know about that.
She's not my girlfriend!
Oh, come on! You two have been exchanging notes now for the last three days.
If you were in the sixth grade you'd be sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
- Here, Daphne, let me borrow that pen. - What are you doing?
Well, I'm going to help along your little romance and possibly save a small forest.
I'm giving her our telephone number.
No, no, no, no, no, no! Don't do that!
- Why? - Well, she'll think I'm being too forward!
For God's sake, Dad, you met peeping into her apartment.
- She's not gonna call. - You want to bet?
- Yeah, five bucks. - Okay.
- Well, are you going to answer? - You get it.
Dad, it's for you.
Hello.
No, no, this is Frasier. Hi.
I'm fine.
Well, it, uh...
gets a little flaky when the weather's dry.
Tell her I'm not home.
Oh, Dad, she knows you're home.
She's looking at you through the telescope.
Come on, you're just a little nervous.
Hello?
Hi.
Yeah, it's nice hearing yours.
Can you hold on a minute?
Would you two get out of here?
I'm getting a very good feeling about this.
Really?
- You really think he's interested in her? - Yes. I think so.
Do you want to hear something cute, Dr. Crane?
I made him this rich, gooey coffee cake this morning
because you know what a sweet tooth he has.
And he wouldn't even take one bite.
Because, as he put it, "Women don't like a spare tire on a man."
That's so cute.
Oh, it's funny, you know, the twists and turns of fate.
If I had tried to set Dad up with a woman,
he would have rejected the idea out of hand.
I go out, get him this telescope for a hobby and it kindles this romance.
Kismet.
Well?
What?
- What happened? - We talked on the phone.
And? Was she nice?
Was she interesting?
What did she say?
She said a lot of stuff.
So it's safe to assume that you two will be, uh, seeing each other?
Well, she wanted to but I said no.
No? Why?
She's not my type.
Whoa! Coffee cake!
Hey, we got any butter around here?
You know Brewster Kale, the pompous twit who's the president of my wine club?
Well, at our meeting the other night,
I convinced some of my fellow psychiatrists
to play a little prank on him.
When he thought he was tasting a Chateau Petrus,
he was, in fact, sipping a Forcas Dupre.
You see we'd switched the labels.
What scamps you are.
There he was proclaiming the Petrus to be the superior wine.
And of course none of us could contain our laughter.
His face must have turned redder than a Pichon-Longueville.
Well, of course, as so often happens, roughhouse turns to tears.
At the end of the evening, Brewster tendered his resignation.
That must have put a damper on the evening.
No, not really. I'm the new president.
Kudos indeed.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Are Dad and his lady friend still playing telescope footsy?
- What was her name? - Uh, Irene.
No, they, they've broken it off.
Already? I thought it was going so well.
Well, it was.
And then they spoke once and then Dad said that she wasn't his type.
So it's over, it's done.
He's completely cut her out of his life.
I just don't understand what would make him do that.
Oh, who knows why anybody does anything.
Remind me again what you do for a living.
You see the thing is it was just one phone call.
How can anyone make a sound judgment about another person
on the basis of one phone call?
Remind me again what it is you do for a living.
Well, anyway, I suppose it could be any number of reasons,
fear of rejection, shyness--
Or maybe Dad was telling the truth and she just wasn't his type.
If only we knew someone who was.
I know!
Maris' lovely Aunt Patrice is in town visiting from Washington D.C.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Maybe we should set Dad up with her. - No.
No, Niles, I've met Aunt Patrice.
The woman is a loon.
Frasier, do this for me.
Every time Aunt Patrice comes to visit, Maris makes all these plans,
then she dives under the duvet with a two-week migraine
and I'm left holding the bag, literally and figuratively.
You know, I don't think so, Niles. I know Dad. Don't meddle.
All right.
The least you could do is say hello to Aunt Patrice.
I'm not driving out to your house.
You don't have to. She's sitting out in the car.
You left her in the car?
- I cracked open a window. - Well, then she's fine.
No, no, no. Calm down, son.
Just, no, listen to Daddy.
It's just a bad dream.
I promise you.
Senator Thurmond is not in your closet.
That's a good boy.
All right.
Okay. Yes, you go back to bed now.
Yeah, I love you, too.
Listen, I'll see you next weekend.
Okay. Bye, bye.
How's Freddy?
Oh, Frederick is fine.
Oh, he sends his love. Says to thank you for the toy gun you gave him.
At least what he can remember of it before Lilith smashed it to bits
with a croquet mallet.
Oh, it's such a beautiful night.
The city is lit up like a jewel.
Oh, look!
There's Irene.
She's sitting in her window wearing a stunning green dress.
But her face, it's so sad.
Oh! Oh. She's holding a note.
It says, "Martin, was it something I wrote?"
Will you cut it out?
Irene is not sitting in her window.
Oh, all right, Dad! No, she isn't.
But she might as well be. That's got to be what she's thinking!
You ever met a woman then decide she's not the one?
Yes! Five years after I married her.
Hello there, Frasier.
Niles, I was specifically not expecting you.
Frasier, you remember Aunt Patrice?
Well, of course. Of course. Aunt Patrice, yes.
I don't recall really when we met,
but, um, I believe there was a lot of laughing and dancing.
My husband's funeral.
Yes. Of course.
Well, of course, the laughter was, you know, to hide our tears.
- Yes. Thank you. - Let me take your wrap.
We were taking a drive and I thought,
"My, we're just a couple of short ferry rides from Frasier's." So...
we decided to pop over.
Niles!
Is this the charming gentleman you were telling me about?
Oh, Patrice, you bloodhound.
You've tree'd another one.
Yes, this is my dad.
How do you do, Patrice. I'm Martin Crane.
- How do you do? - This is Daphne Moon.
- How do you do. - Nice to meet you. Please.
Thank you.
- So, what brings you to Seattle? - Well, I came to see Maris.
But the poor thing's taken to her bed again.
To this day I have no idea how tall she is.
Yes, so I've had Patrice all to myself
and we've had a great time, haven't we?
Well, if you call sitting in your waiting room for four hours reading old magazines
a great time, well then, yes, we had a laugh riot.
Now I know where Maris gets her sense of humor.
Why don't I pop into the kitchen and get us all some refreshments.
A capital idea. And why don't Frasier and I join you.
That will give these kids some time to get to know one another.
Niles, I distinctly told you not to bring her here.
I ran out of ways to entertain her. We went to the arboretum, a fashion show,
a matinee of La Cage Aux Folies,
we even spat off the top of the Space Needle. I'm sorry. I cracked!
Niles, that woman is certainly not Dad's type.
You never know when love can bloom between two people
who seem so different on the surface, do you, Daphne?
To tell you the truth, I never thought opposites attract.
Neither do I. We're alike in so many ways.
Oh, come on, Niles. We can't leave Dad out there alone with her any longer.
I'm sure they're doing just fine.
D-go y-gou sp-geak, "G" sp-geak?
- Oh, Lord, I was afraid of this. - What?
D-go y-gou sp-geak "G" sp-geak?
Niles, I think she's having a stroke or something.
- No, no, Dad. It's just "G Speak." - Come again?
It's something Maris and Patrice love to trot out at parties.
Yes!
You see you just put a "G" in every syllable.
So you'd be M-gart-a-gin Cr-gane.
Just, just say it with me.
M-gart-a-gin...
I don't think Dad is interested.
Oh, b-ge a-ga sp-Gort, N-gites.
- What did she say? - She said, "Be a sport, Niles."
B-ge a-ga sp-Gort, N-gites!
Dad, do you still have your billy club?
It's in my top drawer.
Isn't it a hoot?
You know, it's all the rage in Washington.
Well, of course you know who speaks it all the time?
G-George Sta-geph-a-gan-a-gop-a-gol-a-gis.
I found some pizza rolls in the back of the freezer
but the expiration date was yesterday.
Are we game?
That won't be necessary, Daphne.
We don't want to spoil our appetites for that dinner
we're about to leave for in, oh, 20 minutes.
Yes! That's right, the dinner in 20 minutes.
Oh, Niles! I told you we shouldn't have just stopped by.
These people have plans.
How I envy them.
It was such a pleasure meeting you, Martin.
Likewise.
Oh, now, you can do better than that!
I'll look forward to my next trip to Seattle.
Great.
Oh, if you're ever in the Washington area, I'm in the b-gook!
Bye, bye.
What the hell was that?
I feel sorry for the poor thing.
I feel sorry for Niles.
That's who I'm talking about.
You know, I saw what you just did.
What did I do?
When Patrice went to hug you, you moved away.
Wouldn't you?
No, Dad, no.
You moved away from the window.
You didn't want Irene to see you with another woman.
- You still care about her. - Oh, go chase yourself.
Dad! You do!
There's something stopping you from having a relationship
with this woman. Now what is it?
Boy, you aren't going to let go of this thing.
No, I'm not!
All right.
- Irene's middle name is Rose. - So?
Rose is a nice name.
Rose was Mother's middle name.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, Dad.
But you can't feel guilty about that.
You know, jeez, Mom's been gone for six years now.
Your feelings for Irene are totally separate from your feelings for Mom.
If she were here, if she could tell you,
she would want you to get on with your life.
Okay.
When I'm ready.
Thanks, Frasier.
You know, I guess I don't say it often enough but you're a good kid.
Well, thanks, Dad.
You know, there's something I don't say often enough...
There's nothing you don't say often enough.
Right, Dad.
I couldn't help but overhear.
That was a very nice thing to say.
Yeah. He's a good kid.
The only strange part is, I could have sworn Irene's middle name was Marie.
No, it isn't.
Well, I can go check. I still have all our notes in the trash.
All right. All right.
I had to tell him something.
We, I don't know why
but he just won't believe me when I tell him that Irene just isn't my type.
You sure she isn't?
- Are you gonna get on my back, too? - No. But I was just wondering
if the reason why things didn't work out between you and Irene was, well...
What?
Well, maybe if you just weren't a little self-conscious about your hip.
That's ridiculous.
Well, I'm glad to hear that because you really don't have anything
to be self-conscious about, you know. With that silvery mane,
twinkling blue eyes and whiskey voice,
you're quite a package.
- Yeah, I'm quite a catch. - You are.
And you know as well as I do that history is full of sexy limpers.
For instance, Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Of course he didn't limp so much as roll.
Oh, I know, Toulouse Lautrec.
Although, he was rather a little person.
Still, he did do rather well with the ladies.
Of course, they were all prostitutes.
But then he was French and there's no explaining their taste.
What's your point?
I guess I don't have one.
It's just me running on the way I do.
But there is one last little thing.
I did notice that every time you went to the telescope to see Irene,
you hid your cane.
I just put it off to the side so I wouldn't trip over the damn thing.
I knew there was a good reason.
It must feel awful silly when that cane trips you up.
Dad!
Dad, will you hurry up?
She's gonna be here any minute!
All right. All right.
Daphne, see if I got this tie on right.
It just needs a minor adjustment.
What's all this hair on it?
The only way I can get the knot right is if I tie it on Eddie first.
Boy, it's been a long time since I've been dating.
Have things changed much in the last 40 years?
Well, the wardrobe's a little different but, um,
your ultimate goal is still the same.
Dad, I'm glad you changed your mind about this.
Yeah. Me, too.
- Thanks for our little talk. - Yeah, my pleasure.
Now, let's see here.
- Okay, you've got a hanky in there. - Yeah.
Terrific. All right.
- Have you got your keys? - Yep.
- Not going to be out too late, are you? - Frasier!
Dad, I'm just busting your chops here.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
Will you two relax?
A word to the wise, though,
if she asks you up to her place after dinner, close the drapes.
Hi, Irene.
Nice to finally meet you.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Mercy ♪
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads And scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
♪ Goodnight, everybody ♪