Dad, he's doing it again.
Must this dog stare at me all the time?
I don't know. Eddie, must you?
Apparently, he must.
What is so fascinating about me? What is it?
In your eyes, is my head a large piece of kibble?
Am I some sort of canine enigma?
Think about it. Get back to me.
Here we go, gents. Dinner's up.
Can I give you a hand clearing your papers?
No, you better let me.
I need these in a particular order.
What is all this, anyway?
It's an old case of mine from the police force.
The Weeping Lotus murder.
Dad, I can't believe you're still trotting this out.
He's been trying to solve this case for 20 years.
And I'm not stopping till I do solve it.
You develop certain instincts when you're a cop.
And my instinct tells me that this case can be cracked.
There just must be one small thing I keep overlooking.
There is: who the murderer was.
- It's nice you're still so dedicated. - It's a hobby.
Some guys build a boat in the garage.
I try to figure out why a maniac would kill a hooker
and try to stuff her entire body into a bowling bag.
- It's relaxing. - Hmm.
- Hello, Niles. - Sorry I'm late, Frasier.
Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in
with a rude directory assistance operator,
and it shattered her calm.
Niles, have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high-strung?
- Maybe she should see someone. - She's seen everyone.
Why do you think she was calling directory assistance?
Evening, Dr. Crane.
Hello, Daphne. So good to see you again.
What an enchanting scent you're wearing.
Must be the ranch dressing.
Won't Mrs. Crane be coming?
No, I'm afraid not.
And, please, no more of this "Dr. and Mrs. Crane" formality.
To you, it's Niles and... uh...
- Maris. - Yes, Maris.
- Glad you could join us, Niles. - Oh, I wouldn't have missed it.
Well, I guess the food's all ready. Why don't we start?
- Well, enjoy. - Where are you going?
I thought I'd have mine in the kitchen.
Don't be ridiculous.
We can't have you eating by yourself in the kitchen. I'll join you.
We're all eating right here, like a family.
End of discussion.
Well, isn't this nice?
Feels just like home.
- I'm famished. - Me too.
You boys still say a prayer before you eat?
- Oh, almost forgot. Yes, yes. - Mm. Oh, every time.
We thank you, Lord, for the food we're about to eat.
You have blessed our table with your bounty.
And thank you, Lord, for bringing this family together.
And we also thank you for the other gifts you've bestowed upon us.
And may we always remember to share
- with those less fortunate. - Oh, will you stop staring?!
I wasn't staring.
Amen.
So, Frasier, did you happen to read Derek Mann's column today?
- You were mentioned. - No. I missed it.
Just as well. It wasn't flattering.
Still, I'd like to have seen it.
Oh, well, why didn't you say so?
If I may ask, who's Derek Mann?
He writes that "Mann About Town" column for the Times.
Boy, the things that guy comes out with.
Sometimes he's really funny. What did he say about you?
"I hate Frasier Crane."
Oh, sorry.
That's it? "I hate Frasier Crane"?
- That's it. - Ah, don't let it bother you.
Well, actually, it doesn't, Dad.
I knew when I chose a career in the public eye
that I'd be open to certain criticism. It's the price I pay for my celebrity.
But thank you, Niles, for bringing me the paper.
And thank you for highlighting it in yellow.
Now who would like some wine?
- I'll have some. - Daphne, the salad is exquisite.
And why would he say that?
Must be the carrots. He always did like them.
Not the salad. Derek Mann.
Why would he write a thing like that? I've never done anything to him.
I mean, this attack is totally unwarranted.
- I'm a healer, for God's sake. - Oh, for crying out loud.
I have every right to be upset about this.
I will not enjoy my dinner until this is where it belongs,
in the trash.
Oh, oh. There was an article I wanted to save.
- On what? - Uh-- Nothing.
- Come on, I'm interested. - Oh, let's drop it.
Why can't you tell me?
All right. It all was about Margaret Thatcher's secret
for growing prizewinning zinnias. Are you happy?
Not really.
All right, Lorraine, now, calm down
and try to listen to what I'm going to say to you.
- Will you do that? - Okay.
All right. Good girl. Now, your problem--
Oh, my gosh. That's call waiting.
Someone else is trying to get through. Do you mind if I take it?
No, no. Go right ahead.
Well, it's certainly a very interesting situation she's got herself in.
Don't you think so, Roz?
Yes.
- Okay, I'm back. - All right, Lorraine.
Now listen very carefully to what I'm going to tell you.
Your problem seems to--
Oh, I'm sorry. I'll be right back.
Oh. For someone who's got so many problems,
she certainly is popular.
Okay. Go ahead, Dr. Crane. I'm here.
Oh! I don't believe this. Another call.
Now hold it right there, Lorraine.
The reason you want to take that call
is the same reason you want to change your career
and break up with your boyfriend.
You're obsessed with what you think you're missing,
the "better offer" the "call on the other line."
Well, you've got to take one call at a time from now on.
Fully explore and experience each one in its turn,
and you'll be a stronger person for it.
- Do you follow me, Lorraine? - Okay, I'm back!
Thank you for your call.
We've only got a few minutes left, so I would like to end today's program
on a personal note.
As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned
in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column.
He said, and I quote, "I hate Frasier Crane."
What trenchant criticism.
Move aside, Voltaire.
Step back into the shadows, H.L. Mencken.
There's a new kid in town.
One can only wonder how many hours
Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen
before his trembling fingers sprang to life
and pecked out this chef d'oeuvre...
"I hate Frasier Crane."
A lesser critic would have wasted our time
by presenting a well-thought-out point-by-point
constructive critique of this show.
But, no, not our Mr. Mann.
So, dear listeners,
when Mr. Mann's column arrives on your doorstep,
read it, enjoy it, but above all, treasure it.
For one day, this man will be joining the pantheon of the immortals.
And if we're lucky, it will be one day soon.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Frasier, how funny running into you here.
I'm always here.
You weren't here 20 minutes ago. Have you seen today's Times?
No.
Lucky for you, I saved you this copy. Look at Derek Mann's column.
This is the second time in as many days
that you've given me a paper.
Have you ever considered getting yourself a route?
Hello. I don't believe we've met.
Oh-- Yes, we have, Niles, three or four times.
Roz Doyle.
Oh, of course. It was at the, uh...
It was during the, uh...
I'm far too successful to feel awkward.
Where did we meet?
The radio station.
I'll take your word for it. Nice to see you again.
Apparently, Mr. Mann heard your program yesterday.
So I see.
"Yesterday afternoon, Dr. Frasier Crane got on my case
for not giving him a point-by-point criticism
of his radio show.
Well, he asked for it, so here goes."
Oh, my God. His entire column is about your show.
Not very flattering, either.
Toward the end, he even attacks your "dim-witted sidekick call screener."
That's me.
Oh, now I remember you.
"It's hard to say what to hate most about Crane's show:
his pompous, sanctimonious style,
his constant self-congratulatory references to his own life,
or his voice,
a mock-sympathetic tone so sickly sweet
one wonders if the man graduated from medical school
or from some mind-controlling cult."
- It's continued on 12. - I've read enough.
Can I get you anything?
How could the man say something like that?
It's my job. I'm a waiter.
We don't want anything, thank you.
Listen, Frasier, I know this stinks,
but in a couple of days, it'll blow over.
Oh, perhaps you're right. As angry as it makes me,
to retaliate would be to stoop to his level.
The best response is no response at all.
Pompous and sanctimonious, am I?
Well, this Mann character can't even write grammatical sentences.
Every five words, there's another one of his precious dot-dot-dots.
Must be because he likes making those dots
with the crayon he writes this drivel with.
Dr. Crane, on line two, we have Stewart,
who's having a problem with delayed gratification.
Well, he's just gonna have to wait.
I don't know who this Derek Mann thinks he is,
but if he thinks he can hide behind his newspaper
like some sniveling schoolchild cowering behind a tree,
then I say let's expose this Derek Mann for what he is,
not a man at all but half a man.
What line did you say Stewart was on?
He hung up.
Well, I'm leaving all sorts of bodies in my wake today.
Let's see who's on line five.
Hello. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
Good, 'cause I was listening too.
- And you are? - Derek Mann.
I see.
Look, nobody calls me half a man, especially some Ivy League twit.
So, what do you say we settle this like men?
Are you implying that you want to fight me?
I'm not implying it. I'm saying it.
Fight as in a fistfight?
No, I thought we might throw pies at each other.
So are you up to it, or aren't you man enough?
We'll be right back after these messages.
And we're back.
Well, we have a surprise caller on the line, Derek Mann.
So, what's it gonna be, Crane?
You gonna fight me or not?
Oh, you can't be serious.
Just like I figured, you're chicken.
No, I just don't think that civilized people behave that way.
You know, Roz, perhaps our listeners have an opinion about that subject.
- Who do we have on the line? - Well, lines one through eight
are people who think you're chicken.
You're chicken, Crane. Admit it.
I am not chicken.
Look, we are mature, thinking people, not cavemen.
You want a fight so bad, I'll give you a fight.
You just name the time and place.
Kinsley Square right outside your office
by the old statue, noon tomorrow.
- Don't back out. - I won't.
And don't you back out, either, because I know where your office is too,
and I know where you live, and I'll track you down.
Now, who else out there wants a piece of me?
Having a look at that old murder case again?
Yeah. I dug out the old crime-scene photos.
Well, don't be a greedy guts. Let's have a look.
Her name was Helen.
Yeah, it was.
You must have seen that on some of the papers I had lying here.
No, I just got this feeling when I touched the picture.
You're putting me on.
She had a lot of men in her life.
No kidding. She was a hooker.
No, I mean she had four brothers.
That's amazing.
She did have four brothers.
What else are you getting?
Well, come on, tell me more.
I can't just turn it on and off like a faucet.
Give it a try, will you, please? What else are you getting?
Nothing.
No, wait.
- I see a man. - Yeah?
A well-dressed man.
He's wearing wing tips and a trench coat.
Yeah, yeah.
He's getting off an elevator.
He's walking down a long hallway.
She doesn't know he's coming.
He's opening the door.
Hello, everyone.
Sometimes I get me signals crossed.
What's going on?
Well, unless you killed a hooker when you were 12, nothing much.
We heard your show today.
I just loved the way you handled that Derek Mann.
Ah, you made your old man proud.
The best part was when he challenged you to a fight
and you stood right up to him.
Yes, I did, didn't I?
Boy, I can't wait to see that.
Well, I'm not actually gonna go through with it, Dad.
What are you talking about?
Well, I already won our little war of words.
What would I stand to benefit
by actually going through with a fistfight?
Frasier, maybe I'm misunderstanding something here.
He challenged you, and you're backing down?
Well, mature people are supposed to use their intellect
to settle their differences.
A man doesn't just turn tail and run. That's not the way I brought you up.
Are you encouraging me to fight?
Damn right, I am. You gave the guy your word.
I didn't know what I was saying. I hadn't even had lunch yet.
I might have known this would happen. It's Billy Kriezel all over again.
What did you say?
- Something about a Billy Kriezel. - I don't believe you're dredging that up.
That was 30 years ago.
Who's this Billy Kriezel?
He was a kid in 5th grade that used to torment me.
So one day, Frasier made fun of Billy's crew cut.
Well, he started it. He made fun of the elbow patches on my blazer.
Well, the point is they were supposed to meet for a fight after school,
only Patches here didn't show up.
I had a clarinet lesson!
You don't need to remind me of that.
Billy's old man was a cop too.
Boy, the guys rode me about that excuse of yours for years.
Every time I couldn't make it out,
they'd say, "What's the matter? You got a clarinet lesson?"
Couldn't you have met Billy after the clarinet lesson?
Would you please excuse us for a moment?
Of course.
I have a feeling I'm going to be excused a lot in this house.
Dad, I am sorry if I embarrassed you
for not fighting Billy Kriezel 30 years ago,
but the situation is not the same now.
- It's exactly the same. - I'm an adult now.
I have been to medical school. I hold a certain position.
I do not settle my differences with brawling.
- The man challenged you, you accepted. - I don't believe this.
You won't be happy till I come home with a black eye.
I want you to do what you said you were gonna do.
You know, you can talk about your medical school,
your intellect, your place in this city,
but you know what?
It's all one big clarinet lesson.
I can't even look at you.
So I step out of the shower,
I look out the window, and I notice the garbageman looking right in at me.
So I say, "Did you get a good look?"
And he says, "Not completely. Turn around."
Then he smiles, and he's missing a tooth.
And that's when the romance went right out of it for me.
Roz, why are you telling me this story?
I am trying to get your mind off the fact
that in five minutes you're gonna walk out in that square
and get your clock cleaned.
Did it ever occur to you that I might actually win this fight?
Your shoe's untied.
If you fell for that, you're going down,
and you're going down hard.
There's quite a crowd forming out there.
Secretaries with bag lunches,
businessmen, children with balloons.
All that's missing is a mariachi band.
They're setting up.
Well, I'd better go find a great place in the crowd.
I'll be off to the left, Frasier, if you tear his ear off
and wanna throw it to a beautiful senorita.
Frasier, as your brother and as your friend,
why are you doing this?
- It's Billy Kriezel. - Where?
He's not here, Niles.
It's just that I ran away from him when I was 10.
I remember.
You know, and I've been...
I've been running ever since.
Well, this is where it stops.
I'm not running anymore.
What is it that makes us Crane boys such targets?
Chalk it up to random violence.
No.
Hey there.
Dad, what are you doing here?
Look, son, I said a couple of things last night
that maybe went over the line.
Look, Dad, if you're worried that you talked me into something
that I wasn't ready to do, you're wrong.
You can relax. I...
- I'm doing this for myself. - Good.
Who told you that I was going through with it, anyway?
Ah, let's just say a father knows certain things about his son.
Good news. I parked in front of a broken meter.
We're getting a freebie.
Well, good luck, Dr. Crane, with the fight.
Thank you, Daphne. Any psychic predictions on the outcome?
Actually, yes. But don't worry, I'm frequently wrong.
Frasier. There's something I want you to see.
There, the man standing to the left of the statue.
I recognize his picture from the newspaper.
That's Derek Mann.
He's gigantic.
My God, you could show a movie on his back.
You sure you wanna go through with this?
- Yes. Yes, I am. - Good.
Now, you'll be fine.
Remember, this is a street fight,
not a boxing match, so fight dirty and throw the first punch.
- First punch. - I've found that a swift knee to the groin
usually does the trick.
If you have any doubts,
check with a fellow in Manchester named Nigel Tavers.
If we want an unobstructed view...
I'd prefer it if you guys just stayed here.
- You'll only make me nervous. - Whatever you want.
Well...
wish me luck.
- Okay, champ. Attaboy. - Go get him, Dr. C.
They got a mariachi band out there.
Yes. I have to get their card.
I need someone for our summer barbecue.
Oh, look, they're starting to fight.
No, they're just circling, sizing each other up.
Come on, Frasier. If you're gonna hit him, hit him first.
- Is that the police? - Yeah. What are they doing here?
They're breaking it up, just when they were getting started.
All right, I'm coming along peacefully.
Just let me get my jacket.
Relax. I'm not arresting you.
But I'm warning you, in this town, we don't settle our differences
with street fights, no matter who you are.
Well, thank you, officer. You'll have no more trouble from me.
Okay.
Dad, Dad, did you see me?
My hands are trembling.
My chest is pounding. My mouth is all dry. My knees are like Jell-O.
I feel great.
You did good.
Yeah, I was out there. I was ready.
You saw that, right? I was ready.
I know. You would've kicked his butt.
- From here to Tacoma. - I say we celebrate.
Everyone, a round of victory lattes on me.
Yeah!
Thanks, Harry. I owe you one.
- No problem. - You cut it kind of close, though.
Another minute and Frasier would've been eating sidewalk.
Give me a break. I'm missing lunch for this.
You could stand to miss a few lunches.
Some of the guys are getting together
down at Duke's for a beer. Why don't you come?
Yeah. Maybe I will.
You know why I will?
'Cause the Crane boys don't take clarinet lessons anymore.
What the hell are you talking about?
Oh, that's right. You weren't in my precinct.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Oh, my ♪
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads And scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Thank you!