[theme music playing]
[Frasier] In the greater Seattle area, the number is 5-5-5-K-A-C-L.
We've got a number of lines open, so give us a call.
Who's up next, Roz?
We have Pam on line four.
She's having a problem with her family.
Hello, Pam.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
I'm listening.
[Pam over phone] Hi. It's my in-laws.
It's just that, well,
they drop over all the time without calling,
and they expect us to stop what we're doing and entertain them.
Well, they're your husband's parents. What does he suggest?
The other day, he had us drop to the floor and stay quiet until they drove away.
A creative approach, but hardly a long-term solution.
I thought about saying something, but I'm afraid I'll hurt their feelings.
Well, then, you have a choice.
You risk hurting their feelings, or you spend the rest of your life
diving for cover whenever they happen to drop on by.
- [doorbell rings over phone] - Shh! They're here.
- Your in-laws? - [whispering] Shh. Yes.
[whispering] Why don't you take this opportunity--?
[in normal voice] Oh, for Pete's sake.
- Why don't you tell them how you feel? - Okay, I will, next time, I promise.
- Thanks, Dr. Crane. - [line disconnects]
Yes. Ah, well, as Pam belly-crawls across her living room,
let's take a moment for this message from Carpet Fresh.
How's that for a segue?
[lock clicks, then door opens]
I just don't think it's smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.
He cut you off!
[Frasier] it doesn't matter.
You do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says
"If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you."
Big talk from a Volvo.
I see you found yourself a new suit.
Wait till you see it. It's a beaut.
Let's have a look.
I can't let you see it on the hanger. I'll model it for you.
What a nice son you are, buying your father a new suit.
It didn't quite work out the way I'd planned, but...
- Daphne, what are you doing? - Fluffing your knickers.
If you don't mind my saying so, you're losing some of your elasticity.
I appreciate everything you're doing, but a man's knickers are certainly...
Oh. Ooh.
Oh.
How do you get them so soft?
Fabric softener and twice through the fluff cycle.
- Oh, well, keep up the good work. - [phone rings]
Hello. Yes. Oh, hi Niles.
Well, of course you can come by. Great. I'll see you then.
Hi, Niles.
Good to see you. Thanks for calling first.
I heard your show today.
I wouldn't dream of popping by unannounced.
Ah.
I was in the neighborhood, and I've come to beg a favor.
My housekeeper, Mary, is a very big fan of your little radio program.
- Is she? - Yes, well, what she lacks in taste
she makes up for in vigor.
She'd like an autographed photo.
Oh, well, it'd be my pleasure. Daphne, this is my brother, Niles.
You're Daphne?
Why, yes, I am.
Well, when Frasier told me he'd hired an Englishwoman,
I pictured someone a little more...
Not quite so...
You're Daphne?
It's nice to meet you.
- What a lovely accent. Is that Manchester? - Yes. How'd you know?
Oh. I'm quite the Anglophile. I'm sure Frasier and Dad have told you.
No. They didn't mention it.
Oh, you undoubtedly guessed as much when they said
- I'd spent a year studying at Cambridge. - No, they didn't mention that either.
I guess my father and brother don't spend a lot of time
talking about me when I'm not around.
Hmm. I wouldn't say that.
Niles, here's your picture.
Do you mind?
"To Mary, here's wishing you good mental health. Frasier Crane."
Fits like a glove.
- Hi, Niles. - Hey, Da--
Wow.
How do I look?
Wow.
Dr. Crane took your father shopping to Armani this afternoon.
You got that at Armani?
Like I told you, Frasier, he can't tell the difference.
Well, we were on our way to Armani
when Dad spotted this in the window of a discount clothing store.
It's sharkskin.
Look at the way it changes color when I move my arm.
You're going to be the handsomest gent at your friend's retirement party.
Come on, let's go hang it up before it gets wrinkled.
[Martin] Oh, it's supposed to resist wrinkles.
They had one in the display window wadded up inside a mayonnaise jar.
Frasier, is he our real father?
Don't start that again.
We've been having this discussion since we were children.
But that suit.
It's not just the suit. It's his taste in everything.
Clothing, films, music...
Outside of our last name
and abnormally well-developed calf muscles,
we have nothing in common with the man.
Well, thank goodness we took after Mom.
So how come he didn't acquire any of her sophistication?
Maybe he was too busy working his tail off
so we could have the nicer things.
You know, maybe it's time we tried to pay him back in some way,
expose him to some of the finer things
so that he'd stop lumbering through life like some great polyester dinosaur.
- I don't know. Dad's so set in his ways. - We all are at some point in our lives.
Remember when you used to think the 1812 Overture
was a great piece of classical music?
Was I ever that young?
You know, you and I have to broaden Dad's horizons.
Show him the world that he's only ready about in TV Guide.
How about an evening of fine dining?
Perfect. But where?
- Le Cigare Volant! - Le Cigare Volant!
But can we get in? I've been trying for months.
Please. You're forgetting the cachet my name carries in this town.
Actually, I'm not. if the maître d' happens to be a housewife, we're in.
Niles, you are so mean.
- I'll just call Information. - No need. I have it on speed dial.
Oh.
Thank you.
Hello. This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
Yes, the one on the radio.
Say, any chance of getting a table for four on Saturday at, say, 8? Hmm?
[Frasier speaks in French]
- We're in! - Yes!
Niles, can I get you a beer? Some pork rinds?
No, thanks.
Um, Dad, Niles and I and, uh, Maris would like you to join us for dinner
on Saturday night at Le Cigare Volant.
It's one of the hottest new restaurants in town.
- Ah, gee, I don't know. - Oh, oh, oh. The food is to die for.
Niles, your country and your family are to die for.
Food is to eat.
I appreciate the offer, but I wouldn't like it.
Dad, how do you know if you don't try it?
Well, I didn't have to get shot in the hip with a .38 to know I wouldn't like that.
Yes, but it'll give us a chance to have an evening all together as a family.
Niles and I really want to do this for you.
All right.
Oh, ha, ha! We're gonna have the best time.
It'll give me a chance to wear my new suit again too.
And won't that be nice.
[Frasier] So how do the calls look today?
Well, we got a couple of jilted lovers, a man who's afraid of his car,
a manic depressive, and three people who feel their lives are going nowhere.
- Oh, I love a Monday. - Mm-hm.
So how was your weekend?
I had the most hellacious date of my life.
First he asked me to pick him up from work.
Then I stop for gas.
I have to pump it while he sits there reading the sports section.
So I take him back to my place to make him my famous sweet-and-sour shrimp.
I'm in the middle of cooking, I ask him to hand me the honey.
He gets this freaked-out look on his face and says he can't,
because he has a deathly fear of touching anything sticky.
I told him it was a new jar, but he didn't want to take any risks.
- Roz, where do you meet these people? - I answered his ad.
You've got 30 seconds. Get in there.
- Not yet. - Oh, no.
- Roz, are you ready? - Don't make me do this.
- Come on. We do this every Monday. - You do this every Monday. I play along.
Come on.
Who's got the best talk show in Seattle?
- We do. We do. - All right!
[Daphne] Well!
Aren't you a bobby dazzler.
I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment.
Where are you off to?
I'm going to poker night.
I wouldn't have pegged you as a card player.
[doorbell rings]
It's mostly social.
- Me and the girls just bumping the gums. - Ah.
No one ever loses more than 5- or 600 dollars.
- [Frasier] Hi, Niles. - Hello.
Where's Maris? Are you two taking separate elevators again?
Oh, no. I'm afraid Maris is having one of her episodes.
Ah.
In the middle of dressing for the evening, she suddenly slumped down
on the edge of the bed in her half slip and sighed.
I knew then and there that dinner was not to be.
I'm sorry.
Yes, well, I'll just have to make the best of it.
Hi-ho, Daphne. You're looking luminous this evening.
Well, thank you, Dr. Crane.
What's in the bag?
Just a little treat I picked up for Dad.
Some Devonshire clotted cream.
- For Dad? - Mm-hm.
I love Devonshire clotted cream.
Isn't that lucky? You two can share it.
I'll just go pop this in the fridge.
- Sherry, Niles? - Thank you.
I'm having a thought, Frasier.
Since Maris has sadly dropped out and we do have an extra space,
perhaps we should invite Daphne to join us for the evening.
I mean, it is a table for four, and three is such an awkward number,
you know, at a, uh-- At a, uh, dinner. [clears throat]
What are you doing?
[Niles] Nothing. Nothing.
Oh, for goodness' sake, Frasier. I'm a happily married man.
Maris means the world to me.
Why, just the other day, I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.
Well, I'm off to my poker game.
It was nice seeing you again, Dr. Crane.
Oh, wait a minute.
I'm getting something on you.
She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.
You have occasional bouts of colitis, don't you?
Yes.
Frasier, she's phenomenal.
It's a gift. Well, cheerio.
Ta-ta.
You never had colitis a day in your life.
I know, but I couldn't bear to disappoint her.
Okay. I'm ready to go.
[Frasier] Uh, Dad, uh, what's happened to your suit?
[Martin] It's at the cleaners.
I got some creamed chicken on it at Phil's retirement dinner last night.
You can't keep anything nice.
Well, I'm sure Le Cigare Volant has a dress code.
Niles, may I borrow your phone?
Thank you so much.
Where's Maris?
- Episode. - Oh.
Yes, hello. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I have a reservation tonight,
and I'm calling to inquire about your minimum dress code.
Crane.
Frasier. Doctor.
What do you--? We've had the reservation for over a week.
- They've lost our reservation. - Give me that.
This is Dr. Niles Crane.
I've never been treated so shabbily in my entire life.
I've a good mind to come over there and create an embarrassing scene.
- Niles, they've already hung up. - Oh, thank God.
Well, what now, Frasier?
It's Saturday night, quarter to 8. We're not going to get in anywhere.
Hey, I know.
Why don't I take us all to the Timber Mill?
- The Timber Mill? - Oh, it's great.
You can get a steak this thick for 8.95.
Honestly, Dad, that doesn't sound like the kind of restaurant we'd like.
Well, I was willing to go to your place.
[sighs] Dad, I think we'd better just take a rain check.
Ah, gee. I was looking forward to spending an evening with you boys.
Well, we can do it some other time.
I'm sure Daphne's got something in the fridge I can heat up.
You know, on second thought, I'm really in the mood for a good steak.
What?
The point of the whole thing is not exactly where we have dinner
but that the three of us have an evening together as a family, right?
You won't be sorry.
They got five different toppings for your baked potato.
- Oh, did you hear that, Niles? - I'm sold.
We'll bring you a bone, Eddie.
He's ecstatic.
[crowd chattering]
[Martin] Quite a place, huh?
Used to be a real working sawmill.
Until somebody stated the obvious and said,
"Hey, let's turn this place into a restaurant."
I just walk in here and my mouth starts watering.
There's nothing like the smell of charbroiled meat.
This aroma is triggering a sense memory of something familiar yet...
Oh. Of course.
It's Maris in her home tanning bed.
Hi. Welcome to the Timber Mill.
You don't have a table for three, do you?
Sure, right this way.
Is this your first visit to the Timber Mill?
- Yes. - Well, we've got a dress code.
Couldn't you make an exception?
- His suit was at the cleaners. - Not him. You.
Timber!
[utensils clanging]
My tie!
- She cut off my tie! - Gotcha! isn't that great?
- [Frasier] Why did she cut off my tie? - They've been doing it for years.
They like to keep the place casual.
- You could have mentioned that to us. - What, and spoil the fun?
Ah, cheer up.
- You get a free dessert. - Oh, boy.
Well, I guess you're right, Dad.
It is just a tie.
A Hugo Boss tie.
Hi. Can I get you guys something from the bar?
Oh, dear God, yes.
I'll have a Stoli Gibson on the rocks with three pearl onions.
If you bring him two,
if you bring him four, he'll send it back.
- And for you? - The same.
I'll have a Ballantine.
Well, say, a funny thing happened the other day.
One of my patients had a rather amusing Freudian slip.
He was having dinner with his wife, and he meant to say, "Pass the salt,"
but instead he said, "You've ruined my life, you bloodsucking shrew."
[Frasier laughing]
Bet she didn't like that.
Uh, no, Dad, she didn't.
Say, how was your buddy's retirement party last night?
Ah, it was great.
You know, I really miss those guys.
Bad news, though.
Remember Mo Hanson? The desk captain in my old precinct?
Killed in a boating accident.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Yeah, well, at least he went quick.
Hank Krinski, boy, he had three bypasses before he went.
Jimmy Berman had this weird disease. I went to visit him in the hospital.
By the time he died, his skin was all yellow.
He wasted away to nothing.
Nice nurse, though. Betty, I think her name was.
I see we have a couple of first-timers here.
Let me tell you how it works.
Every entrée comes with soup or a trip to the salad bar, one trip only, please.
Also included is our famous garlic cheese bread.
And now if you're ready, you can claim your steaks.
[Niles] Claim our steaks?
You get to pick the cut you want off the Beef Trolley.
How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator?
Would you just pick your steak?
Uh, I'd like a petite fillet mignon,
very lean, not so lean that it lacks flavor,
but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate,
and I don't want it cooked, just lightly seared on either side,
pink in the middle, not true pink but not a mauve either,
something in between,
bearing in mind the slightest error either way and it's ruined.
Okay.
How about you?
Could I see the other side of that one?
Just bring us those three, medium rare, all the fixings.
Hey, come on! There's a lull at the salad bar!
Isn't this great? They have the best Thousand island dressing in town.
I know, Dad. I saw the plaque by the cash register.
Here we go. Three Paul Bunyans, medium rare.
We've barely touched our salads.
- Great service, huh? - [Niles] Yes.
With any luck, we should be completing our dining experience
in less than 20 minutes.
If you're not ready, I could put this under the heat lamp.
No, that won't be necessary, young lady.
I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
All right. Let me know if I can get you anything else.
Yes, thank you.
I don't mind you guys being tough on this place,
but you could be a little nicer to the waitress.
You're right.
I'll apologize when she comes with the dessert,
which should be anytime now.
Sometimes there's nothing like a good steak.
I wish this was one of those times.
What's wrong?
- Well, I don't mean to complain, but-- - Well, then don't.
For your information, these steaks come from prize beef raised on--
What the hell are you doing?
Something seems to have fallen in my potato.
Those are bacon bits.
But I didn't ask for them.
I ordered all the fixings. You got all the fixings.
But I don't eat bacon because of the nitrates.
No problem. They're artificial. They're made out of soy.
They really look out for your health here, don't they?
Everybody in this restaurant's enjoying the dinner.
Can't you guys do the same?
- [Frasier] Niles. - Mm-hm?
Is Maris organizing the...
arts-council benefit again this year?
Matter of fact, she is.
- Where are they holding it? - [Niles] They haven't picked a spot yet.
Perhaps I should tell them about this place.
I'd like to be a fly on the wall that night.
You wouldn't be the only one.
All right, that's it.
I had enough of you two jackasses.
I've spent the whole night listening to you making cracks
about the food and the help.
Well, I got news for you. People like this place.
I like this place.
And when you insult this restaurant, you insult me.
You know, I used to think you two took after your mother,
liking the ballet and all that.
But your mother liked a good ball game too.
She even had a hot dog once in a while.
She may have had fancy tastes, but she had too much class
to ever make me or anybody else feel second-rate.
If she saw the way you two behaved tonight, she'd be ashamed.
I know I am.
Dad, wait.
No. I'm going over to Duke's for a nightcap.
- At least let us take you there. - I'll take a cab.
I've had enough of you two for one night. Leave the waitress a good tip.
She deserves it.
Niles, say something.
[Niles] Dad, wait.
The mudpie is coming!
"The mudpie is coming."
- I feel terrible. - So do I.
You know, the sad thing is he's right about us.
Have we really become such snobs?
You don't see anybody else driving their father out to drink, do you?
- Niles, we've got to apologize to Dad. - You're right.
We'll give him a couple hours to cool down.
When he gets home, we'll settle this thing.
Absolutely. We've been just horrid.
Frasier, do you think we've actually lost the ability
to appreciate the simple things?
Steak, potatoes, fixings?
I'm afraid so.
But, you know, the thing is, this is good food.
I mean, it's not too fancy, but it's good, wholesome American fare.
You know, Frasier, as a tribute to Dad,
I think we should sit here until we have cleaned our plates.
Well, I'm game if you are.
Going to prove that we are not snobs.
Absolutely.
Frasier, look who's here.
Eat.
[theme music playing]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
[laughs]
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads And scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Frasier has left the building.