1 00:00:02,044 --> 00:00:04,046 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:10,928 --> 00:00:15,599 [Frasier] In the greater Seattle area, the number is 5-5-5-K-A-C-L. 3 00:00:15,599 --> 00:00:18,268 We've got a number of lines open, so give us a call. 4 00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:19,394 Who's up next, Roz? 5 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:20,938 We have Pam on line four. 6 00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:23,023 She's having a problem with her family. 7 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,233 Hello, Pam. 8 00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:25,776 This is Dr. Frasier Crane. 9 00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:26,735 I'm listening. 10 00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:29,446 [Pam over phone] Hi. It's my in-laws. 11 00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:30,656 It's just that, well, 12 00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:33,408 they drop over all the time without calling, 13 00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:36,078 and they expect us to stop what we're doing and entertain them. 14 00:00:36,078 --> 00:00:39,039 Well, they're your husband's parents. What does he suggest? 15 00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:43,794 The other day, he had us drop to the floor and stay quiet until they drove away. 16 00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:50,259 A creative approach, but hardly a long-term solution. 17 00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:53,679 I thought about saying something, but I'm afraid I'll hurt their feelings. 18 00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:55,389 Well, then, you have a choice. 19 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,308 You risk hurting their feelings, or you spend the rest of your life 20 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:01,979 diving for cover whenever they happen to drop on by. 21 00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:04,356 - [doorbell rings over phone] - Shh! They're here. 22 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:10,195 - Your in-laws? - [whispering] Shh. Yes. 23 00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:12,155 [whispering] Why don't you take this opportunity--? 24 00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:13,824 [in normal voice] Oh, for Pete's sake. 25 00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:17,703 - Why don't you tell them how you feel? - Okay, I will, next time, I promise. 26 00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:19,705 - Thanks, Dr. Crane. - [line disconnects] 27 00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:24,960 Yes. Ah, well, as Pam belly-crawls across her living room, 28 00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:31,049 let's take a moment for this message from Carpet Fresh. 29 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:32,634 How's that for a segue? 30 00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:40,225 [lock clicks, then door opens] 31 00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:43,770 I just don't think it's smart to make rude gestures at other drivers. 32 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:44,730 He cut you off! 33 00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:46,273 [Frasier] it doesn't matter. 34 00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:49,234 You do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says 35 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,570 "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you." 36 00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:54,990 Big talk from a Volvo. 37 00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:58,577 I see you found yourself a new suit. 38 00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:00,412 Wait till you see it. It's a beaut. 39 00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:01,413 Let's have a look. 40 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:04,666 I can't let you see it on the hanger. I'll model it for you. 41 00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:07,919 What a nice son you are, buying your father a new suit. 42 00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:10,547 It didn't quite work out the way I'd planned, but... 43 00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:14,635 - Daphne, what are you doing? - Fluffing your knickers. 44 00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:20,849 If you don't mind my saying so, you're losing some of your elasticity. 45 00:02:21,516 --> 00:02:25,270 I appreciate everything you're doing, but a man's knickers are certainly... 46 00:02:25,854 --> 00:02:27,522 Oh. Ooh. 47 00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:29,900 Oh. 48 00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:32,194 How do you get them so soft? 49 00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:35,113 Fabric softener and twice through the fluff cycle. 50 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:37,783 - Oh, well, keep up the good work. - [phone rings] 51 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,619 Hello. Yes. Oh, hi Niles. 52 00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:44,414 Well, of course you can come by. Great. I'll see you then. 53 00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:51,672 Hi, Niles. 54 00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,008 Good to see you. Thanks for calling first. 55 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,426 I heard your show today. 56 00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:58,011 I wouldn't dream of popping by unannounced. 57 00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,012 Ah. 58 00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:02,808 I was in the neighborhood, and I've come to beg a favor. 59 00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:06,353 My housekeeper, Mary, is a very big fan of your little radio program. 60 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:08,897 - Is she? - Yes, well, what she lacks in taste 61 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,440 she makes up for in vigor. 62 00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:13,944 She'd like an autographed photo. 63 00:03:13,944 --> 00:03:17,364 Oh, well, it'd be my pleasure. Daphne, this is my brother, Niles. 64 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,368 You're Daphne? 65 00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:23,286 Why, yes, I am. 66 00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:26,707 Well, when Frasier told me he'd hired an Englishwoman, 67 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,500 I pictured someone a little more... 68 00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:30,127 Not quite so... 69 00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:32,713 You're Daphne? 70 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:35,841 It's nice to meet you. 71 00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:39,344 - What a lovely accent. Is that Manchester? - Yes. How'd you know? 72 00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:42,931 Oh. I'm quite the Anglophile. I'm sure Frasier and Dad have told you. 73 00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:44,599 No. They didn't mention it. 74 00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:46,935 Oh, you undoubtedly guessed as much when they said 75 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:50,939 - I'd spent a year studying at Cambridge. - No, they didn't mention that either. 76 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:54,234 I guess my father and brother don't spend a lot of time 77 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,736 talking about me when I'm not around. 78 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,571 Hmm. I wouldn't say that. 79 00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:02,200 Niles, here's your picture. 80 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,452 Do you mind? 81 00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:09,291 "To Mary, here's wishing you good mental health. Frasier Crane." 82 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:13,754 Fits like a glove. 83 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,298 - Hi, Niles. - Hey, Da-- 84 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:18,550 Wow. 85 00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:21,052 How do I look? 86 00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:22,304 Wow. 87 00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:27,684 Dr. Crane took your father shopping to Armani this afternoon. 88 00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:29,519 You got that at Armani? 89 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:32,314 Like I told you, Frasier, he can't tell the difference. 90 00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:37,652 Well, we were on our way to Armani 91 00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:41,239 when Dad spotted this in the window of a discount clothing store. 92 00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:42,491 It's sharkskin. 93 00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:44,868 Look at the way it changes color when I move my arm. 94 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:50,499 You're going to be the handsomest gent at your friend's retirement party. 95 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:53,210 Come on, let's go hang it up before it gets wrinkled. 96 00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:54,961 [Martin] Oh, it's supposed to resist wrinkles. 97 00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:58,465 They had one in the display window wadded up inside a mayonnaise jar. 98 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,512 Frasier, is he our real father? 99 00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:05,722 Don't start that again. 100 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:08,308 We've been having this discussion since we were children. 101 00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:11,937 But that suit. 102 00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:15,565 It's not just the suit. It's his taste in everything. 103 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,359 Clothing, films, music... 104 00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:18,652 Outside of our last name 105 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,445 and abnormally well-developed calf muscles, 106 00:05:20,445 --> 00:05:22,280 we have nothing in common with the man. 107 00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:25,367 Well, thank goodness we took after Mom. 108 00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:28,453 So how come he didn't acquire any of her sophistication? 109 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,747 Maybe he was too busy working his tail off 110 00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:32,582 so we could have the nicer things. 111 00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:36,711 You know, maybe it's time we tried to pay him back in some way, 112 00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:39,339 expose him to some of the finer things 113 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:44,344 so that he'd stop lumbering through life like some great polyester dinosaur. 114 00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:49,474 - I don't know. Dad's so set in his ways. - We all are at some point in our lives. 115 00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:51,726 Remember when you used to think the 1812 Overture 116 00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:53,395 was a great piece of classical music? 117 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,272 Was I ever that young? 118 00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:04,239 You know, you and I have to broaden Dad's horizons. 119 00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:07,284 Show him the world that he's only ready about in TV Guide. 120 00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:10,662 How about an evening of fine dining? 121 00:06:10,662 --> 00:06:11,955 Perfect. But where? 122 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:15,375 - Le Cigare Volant! - Le Cigare Volant! 123 00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,921 But can we get in? I've been trying for months. 124 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:23,383 Please. You're forgetting the cachet my name carries in this town. 125 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,761 Actually, I'm not. if the maître d' happens to be a housewife, we're in. 126 00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:31,057 Niles, you are so mean. 127 00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:36,062 - I'll just call Information. - No need. I have it on speed dial. 128 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:37,063 Oh. 129 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:38,815 Thank you. 130 00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,860 Hello. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. 131 00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:44,529 Yes, the one on the radio. 132 00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:51,161 Say, any chance of getting a table for four on Saturday at, say, 8? Hmm? 133 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:53,788 [Frasier speaks in French] 134 00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:55,749 - We're in! - Yes! 135 00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:59,085 Niles, can I get you a beer? Some pork rinds? 136 00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:00,378 No, thanks. 137 00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:06,676 Um, Dad, Niles and I and, uh, Maris would like you to join us for dinner 138 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:09,763 on Saturday night at Le Cigare Volant. 139 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,556 It's one of the hottest new restaurants in town. 140 00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:15,018 - Ah, gee, I don't know. - Oh, oh, oh. The food is to die for. 141 00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:17,646 Niles, your country and your family are to die for. 142 00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:18,605 Food is to eat. 143 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,275 I appreciate the offer, but I wouldn't like it. 144 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,985 Dad, how do you know if you don't try it? 145 00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:27,364 Well, I didn't have to get shot in the hip with a .38 to know I wouldn't like that. 146 00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:32,619 Yes, but it'll give us a chance to have an evening all together as a family. 147 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:35,121 Niles and I really want to do this for you. 148 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:37,958 All right. 149 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,877 Oh, ha, ha! We're gonna have the best time. 150 00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:43,380 It'll give me a chance to wear my new suit again too. 151 00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:46,299 And won't that be nice. 152 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,681 [Frasier] So how do the calls look today? 153 00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:56,434 Well, we got a couple of jilted lovers, a man who's afraid of his car, 154 00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:59,688 a manic depressive, and three people who feel their lives are going nowhere. 155 00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:01,398 - Oh, I love a Monday. - Mm-hm. 156 00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:03,984 So how was your weekend? 157 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:06,486 I had the most hellacious date of my life. 158 00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,155 First he asked me to pick him up from work. 159 00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:10,323 Then I stop for gas. 160 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:13,868 I have to pump it while he sits there reading the sports section. 161 00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,997 So I take him back to my place to make him my famous sweet-and-sour shrimp. 162 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:20,125 I'm in the middle of cooking, I ask him to hand me the honey. 163 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,669 He gets this freaked-out look on his face and says he can't, 164 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,630 because he has a deathly fear of touching anything sticky. 165 00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:31,302 I told him it was a new jar, but he didn't want to take any risks. 166 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:35,098 - Roz, where do you meet these people? - I answered his ad. 167 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,769 You've got 30 seconds. Get in there. 168 00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,271 - Not yet. - Oh, no. 169 00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:43,523 - Roz, are you ready? - Don't make me do this. 170 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,776 - Come on. We do this every Monday. - You do this every Monday. I play along. 171 00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:47,861 Come on. 172 00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:50,989 Who's got the best talk show in Seattle? 173 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:53,116 - We do. We do. - All right! 174 00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:06,921 [Daphne] Well! 175 00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,840 Aren't you a bobby dazzler. 176 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,468 I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment. 177 00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:15,138 Where are you off to? 178 00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:16,848 I'm going to poker night. 179 00:09:16,848 --> 00:09:18,641 I wouldn't have pegged you as a card player. 180 00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:19,642 [doorbell rings] 181 00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,269 It's mostly social. 182 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,688 - Me and the girls just bumping the gums. - Ah. 183 00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:27,609 No one ever loses more than 5- or 600 dollars. 184 00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:31,237 - [Frasier] Hi, Niles. - Hello. 185 00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:34,032 Where's Maris? Are you two taking separate elevators again? 186 00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:36,868 Oh, no. I'm afraid Maris is having one of her episodes. 187 00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:38,036 Ah. 188 00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:40,663 In the middle of dressing for the evening, she suddenly slumped down 189 00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:43,249 on the edge of the bed in her half slip and sighed. 190 00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,461 I knew then and there that dinner was not to be. 191 00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:47,462 I'm sorry. 192 00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:49,631 Yes, well, I'll just have to make the best of it. 193 00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:51,758 Hi-ho, Daphne. You're looking luminous this evening. 194 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,386 Well, thank you, Dr. Crane. 195 00:09:55,386 --> 00:09:56,805 What's in the bag? 196 00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:59,015 Just a little treat I picked up for Dad. 197 00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:00,725 Some Devonshire clotted cream. 198 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,269 - For Dad? - Mm-hm. 199 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,063 I love Devonshire clotted cream. 200 00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:07,148 Isn't that lucky? You two can share it. 201 00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,983 I'll just go pop this in the fridge. 202 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,278 - Sherry, Niles? - Thank you. 203 00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,199 I'm having a thought, Frasier. 204 00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:19,577 Since Maris has sadly dropped out and we do have an extra space, 205 00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:22,497 perhaps we should invite Daphne to join us for the evening. 206 00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:27,627 I mean, it is a table for four, and three is such an awkward number, 207 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:31,464 you know, at a, uh-- At a, uh, dinner. [clears throat] 208 00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:33,424 What are you doing? 209 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,263 [Niles] Nothing. Nothing. 210 00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:41,933 Oh, for goodness' sake, Frasier. I'm a happily married man. 211 00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:43,309 Maris means the world to me. 212 00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:46,020 Why, just the other day, I kissed her for no reason whatsoever. 213 00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:50,316 Well, I'm off to my poker game. 214 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:53,570 It was nice seeing you again, Dr. Crane. 215 00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:55,280 Oh, wait a minute. 216 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,073 I'm getting something on you. 217 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,536 She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming. 218 00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:11,004 You have occasional bouts of colitis, don't you? 219 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:13,798 Yes. 220 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,387 Frasier, she's phenomenal. 221 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,265 It's a gift. Well, cheerio. 222 00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:23,141 Ta-ta. 223 00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:26,227 You never had colitis a day in your life. 224 00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,229 I know, but I couldn't bear to disappoint her. 225 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,066 Okay. I'm ready to go. 226 00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:36,529 [Frasier] Uh, Dad, uh, what's happened to your suit? 227 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:37,697 [Martin] It's at the cleaners. 228 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:41,367 I got some creamed chicken on it at Phil's retirement dinner last night. 229 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:42,869 You can't keep anything nice. 230 00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:46,789 Well, I'm sure Le Cigare Volant has a dress code. 231 00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:48,791 Niles, may I borrow your phone? 232 00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:51,461 Thank you so much. 233 00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:52,462 Where's Maris? 234 00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:53,671 - Episode. - Oh. 235 00:11:56,299 --> 00:11:59,010 Yes, hello. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I have a reservation tonight, 236 00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:02,931 and I'm calling to inquire about your minimum dress code. 237 00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:06,643 Crane. 238 00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:09,062 Frasier. Doctor. 239 00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:12,232 What do you--? We've had the reservation for over a week. 240 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,525 - They've lost our reservation. - Give me that. 241 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,569 This is Dr. Niles Crane. 242 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,613 I've never been treated so shabbily in my entire life. 243 00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:21,157 I've a good mind to come over there and create an embarrassing scene. 244 00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:23,576 - Niles, they've already hung up. - Oh, thank God. 245 00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:29,666 Well, what now, Frasier? 246 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:33,127 It's Saturday night, quarter to 8. We're not going to get in anywhere. 247 00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:35,004 Hey, I know. 248 00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:37,882 Why don't I take us all to the Timber Mill? 249 00:12:38,508 --> 00:12:40,468 - The Timber Mill? - Oh, it's great. 250 00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:42,720 You can get a steak this thick for 8.95. 251 00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:46,975 Honestly, Dad, that doesn't sound like the kind of restaurant we'd like. 252 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,643 Well, I was willing to go to your place. 253 00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:52,522 [sighs] Dad, I think we'd better just take a rain check. 254 00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:55,358 Ah, gee. I was looking forward to spending an evening with you boys. 255 00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:58,027 Well, we can do it some other time. 256 00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:01,197 I'm sure Daphne's got something in the fridge I can heat up. 257 00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:11,165 You know, on second thought, I'm really in the mood for a good steak. 258 00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:12,166 What? 259 00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:16,462 The point of the whole thing is not exactly where we have dinner 260 00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:19,841 but that the three of us have an evening together as a family, right? 261 00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,009 You won't be sorry. 262 00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:23,219 They got five different toppings for your baked potato. 263 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,555 - Oh, did you hear that, Niles? - I'm sold. 264 00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:27,849 We'll bring you a bone, Eddie. 265 00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:30,184 He's ecstatic. 266 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,525 [crowd chattering] 267 00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,027 [Martin] Quite a place, huh? 268 00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:40,903 Used to be a real working sawmill. 269 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:43,489 Until somebody stated the obvious and said, 270 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,950 "Hey, let's turn this place into a restaurant." 271 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:50,038 I just walk in here and my mouth starts watering. 272 00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:52,540 There's nothing like the smell of charbroiled meat. 273 00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:56,461 This aroma is triggering a sense memory of something familiar yet... 274 00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:58,212 Oh. Of course. 275 00:13:58,212 --> 00:13:59,964 It's Maris in her home tanning bed. 276 00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,887 Hi. Welcome to the Timber Mill. 277 00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:08,473 You don't have a table for three, do you? 278 00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,932 Sure, right this way. 279 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,187 Is this your first visit to the Timber Mill? 280 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:17,148 - Yes. - Well, we've got a dress code. 281 00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:18,858 Couldn't you make an exception? 282 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,486 - His suit was at the cleaners. - Not him. You. 283 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,739 Timber! 284 00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,449 [utensils clanging] 285 00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:28,826 My tie! 286 00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:31,913 - She cut off my tie! - Gotcha! isn't that great? 287 00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:35,083 - [Frasier] Why did she cut off my tie? - They've been doing it for years. 288 00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:36,709 They like to keep the place casual. 289 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:39,879 - You could have mentioned that to us. - What, and spoil the fun? 290 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,590 Ah, cheer up. 291 00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:45,134 - You get a free dessert. - Oh, boy. 292 00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:47,470 Well, I guess you're right, Dad. 293 00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,138 It is just a tie. 294 00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:50,473 A Hugo Boss tie. 295 00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:55,812 Hi. Can I get you guys something from the bar? 296 00:14:55,812 --> 00:14:56,979 Oh, dear God, yes. 297 00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:03,403 I'll have a Stoli Gibson on the rocks with three pearl onions. 298 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,987 If you bring him two, 299 00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:07,657 if you bring him four, he'll send it back. 300 00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:08,950 - And for you? - The same. 301 00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,245 I'll have a Ballantine. 302 00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:17,667 Well, say, a funny thing happened the other day. 303 00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:20,086 One of my patients had a rather amusing Freudian slip. 304 00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:23,256 He was having dinner with his wife, and he meant to say, "Pass the salt," 305 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:26,175 but instead he said, "You've ruined my life, you bloodsucking shrew." 306 00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,010 [Frasier laughing] 307 00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:33,724 Bet she didn't like that. 308 00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:37,770 Uh, no, Dad, she didn't. 309 00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:42,900 Say, how was your buddy's retirement party last night? 310 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,777 Ah, it was great. 311 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,571 You know, I really miss those guys. 312 00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:48,156 Bad news, though. 313 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:52,160 Remember Mo Hanson? The desk captain in my old precinct? 314 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,744 Killed in a boating accident. 315 00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:56,914 - Oh, I'm sorry. - Yeah, well, at least he went quick. 316 00:15:57,415 --> 00:16:01,502 Hank Krinski, boy, he had three bypasses before he went. 317 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:07,383 Jimmy Berman had this weird disease. I went to visit him in the hospital. 318 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:10,303 By the time he died, his skin was all yellow. 319 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:11,679 He wasted away to nothing. 320 00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:15,016 Nice nurse, though. Betty, I think her name was. 321 00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:19,770 I see we have a couple of first-timers here. 322 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:21,355 Let me tell you how it works. 323 00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:26,444 Every entrée comes with soup or a trip to the salad bar, one trip only, please. 324 00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:29,614 Also included is our famous garlic cheese bread. 325 00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:32,575 And now if you're ready, you can claim your steaks. 326 00:16:32,575 --> 00:16:33,743 [Niles] Claim our steaks? 327 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,454 You get to pick the cut you want off the Beef Trolley. 328 00:16:42,793 --> 00:16:46,631 How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator? 329 00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:50,801 Would you just pick your steak? 330 00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:53,346 Uh, I'd like a petite fillet mignon, 331 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,640 very lean, not so lean that it lacks flavor, 332 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,725 but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate, 333 00:16:57,725 --> 00:17:01,103 and I don't want it cooked, just lightly seared on either side, 334 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:04,148 pink in the middle, not true pink but not a mauve either, 335 00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:05,399 something in between, 336 00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:10,238 bearing in mind the slightest error either way and it's ruined. 337 00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:11,781 Okay. 338 00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:17,161 How about you? 339 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,831 Could I see the other side of that one? 340 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:25,586 Just bring us those three, medium rare, all the fixings. 341 00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:28,798 Hey, come on! There's a lull at the salad bar! 342 00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:38,891 Isn't this great? They have the best Thousand island dressing in town. 343 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,185 I know, Dad. I saw the plaque by the cash register. 344 00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:44,981 Here we go. Three Paul Bunyans, medium rare. 345 00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:46,524 We've barely touched our salads. 346 00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:48,150 - Great service, huh? - [Niles] Yes. 347 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,486 With any luck, we should be completing our dining experience 348 00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,154 in less than 20 minutes. 349 00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:54,615 If you're not ready, I could put this under the heat lamp. 350 00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,742 No, that won't be necessary, young lady. 351 00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:58,494 I'm as ready as I'll ever be. 352 00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:01,455 All right. Let me know if I can get you anything else. 353 00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:02,707 Yes, thank you. 354 00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:05,418 I don't mind you guys being tough on this place, 355 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,920 but you could be a little nicer to the waitress. 356 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,130 You're right. 357 00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:11,424 I'll apologize when she comes with the dessert, 358 00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:12,925 which should be anytime now. 359 00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,849 Sometimes there's nothing like a good steak. 360 00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,892 I wish this was one of those times. 361 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:25,229 What's wrong? 362 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:28,190 - Well, I don't mean to complain, but-- - Well, then don't. 363 00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:32,111 For your information, these steaks come from prize beef raised on-- 364 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,362 What the hell are you doing? 365 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,699 Something seems to have fallen in my potato. 366 00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:38,326 Those are bacon bits. 367 00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:39,744 But I didn't ask for them. 368 00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:42,163 I ordered all the fixings. You got all the fixings. 369 00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:43,956 But I don't eat bacon because of the nitrates. 370 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:46,542 No problem. They're artificial. They're made out of soy. 371 00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:49,211 They really look out for your health here, don't they? 372 00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:54,050 Everybody in this restaurant's enjoying the dinner. 373 00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:55,801 Can't you guys do the same? 374 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:02,767 - [Frasier] Niles. - Mm-hm? 375 00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:05,603 Is Maris organizing the... 376 00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,774 arts-council benefit again this year? 377 00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:11,275 Matter of fact, she is. 378 00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:14,612 - Where are they holding it? - [Niles] They haven't picked a spot yet. 379 00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,781 Perhaps I should tell them about this place. 380 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,455 I'd like to be a fly on the wall that night. 381 00:19:24,455 --> 00:19:25,915 You wouldn't be the only one. 382 00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:29,543 All right, that's it. 383 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,463 I had enough of you two jackasses. 384 00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:34,924 I've spent the whole night listening to you making cracks 385 00:19:34,924 --> 00:19:36,008 about the food and the help. 386 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:39,136 Well, I got news for you. People like this place. 387 00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:40,763 I like this place. 388 00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:43,265 And when you insult this restaurant, you insult me. 389 00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:46,644 You know, I used to think you two took after your mother, 390 00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:48,229 liking the ballet and all that. 391 00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:51,023 But your mother liked a good ball game too. 392 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,566 She even had a hot dog once in a while. 393 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,611 She may have had fancy tastes, but she had too much class 394 00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:58,406 to ever make me or anybody else feel second-rate. 395 00:19:58,406 --> 00:20:01,158 If she saw the way you two behaved tonight, she'd be ashamed. 396 00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:02,827 I know I am. 397 00:20:04,078 --> 00:20:05,121 Dad, wait. 398 00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:06,956 No. I'm going over to Duke's for a nightcap. 399 00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:09,291 - At least let us take you there. - I'll take a cab. 400 00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:13,087 I've had enough of you two for one night. Leave the waitress a good tip. 401 00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:14,296 She deserves it. 402 00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:17,091 Niles, say something. 403 00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:18,759 [Niles] Dad, wait. 404 00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:21,679 The mudpie is coming! 405 00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:33,774 "The mudpie is coming." 406 00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,116 - I feel terrible. - So do I. 407 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:45,035 You know, the sad thing is he's right about us. 408 00:20:45,035 --> 00:20:46,620 Have we really become such snobs? 409 00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:49,874 You don't see anybody else driving their father out to drink, do you? 410 00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:03,846 - Niles, we've got to apologize to Dad. - You're right. 411 00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:05,890 We'll give him a couple hours to cool down. 412 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,767 When he gets home, we'll settle this thing. 413 00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,977 Absolutely. We've been just horrid. 414 00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:14,023 Frasier, do you think we've actually lost the ability 415 00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:15,775 to appreciate the simple things? 416 00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:17,902 Steak, potatoes, fixings? 417 00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:22,364 I'm afraid so. 418 00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:26,076 But, you know, the thing is, this is good food. 419 00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:30,456 I mean, it's not too fancy, but it's good, wholesome American fare. 420 00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:33,083 You know, Frasier, as a tribute to Dad, 421 00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:35,920 I think we should sit here until we have cleaned our plates. 422 00:21:37,213 --> 00:21:39,256 Well, I'm game if you are. 423 00:21:44,595 --> 00:21:47,223 Going to prove that we are not snobs. 424 00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:48,849 Absolutely. 425 00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:56,482 Frasier, look who's here. 426 00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:11,080 Eat. 427 00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:18,003 [theme music playing] 428 00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:20,047 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪ 429 00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:23,008 ♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 430 00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:25,010 Quite stylish. 431 00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:27,304 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪ 432 00:22:27,304 --> 00:22:30,015 ♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪ 433 00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:32,226 [laughs] 434 00:22:32,226 --> 00:22:33,769 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 435 00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:37,439 ♪ With those tossed salads And scrambled eggs ♪ 436 00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:40,401 ♪ They're callin' again ♪ 437 00:22:40,401 --> 00:22:43,571 Frasier has left the building.