(symphony playing on stereo)
(turns up volume)
(orchestra playing softly)
(orchestra begins loud, cadential flourish)
(orchestra plays final chord)
Boo!
(high-pitched scream)
(laughter)
That is not funny!
You don't sneak up on someone and startle them.
and secondly, I only did it to prove a point.
And you called it-- he does scream like a woman.
I do not scream like a woman. It was a manly, throaty wail.
Frasier, you may want to call security.
As I got off the elevator,
I heard a woman screaming hysterically.
That was me.
I was innocently conducting some Brahms
when our madcap father decided to startle me.
Oh, quit whining. I used to scare you kids all the time
when we went camping -- you used to love it.
Remember the story about the couple
making out in the car who got slashed
by the killer with the hook? Yes, I remember
I couldn't kiss a woman in a c until I was 30.
Yeah, well, your father doesn't have that problem--
Mr. Reclining Bucket Seats.
(lascivious growl)
You want me to scream again?
Dad, when'd you get the new cane?
Oh, Ronee got it for me.
Yeah, he's too young for that old man can e.
This is much more his style .
Give me a top hat, and I'm Fred Astaire.
Add a monocle, and you're Mr. Peanut.
Hey, Frasier. Coulrophobia?
I have a patient who suffers from it. What is it?
It's a very rare disorder,
a crippling fear of clowns .
Yes, I'm treating a pediatric nurse who is terrified
every time one comes to visit the child ren at her hospital.
It's almost cost her her job.
Poor thing. We're making great progress.
Through some rather groundbreaking techniques
I've devised, I think we're close to a cure.
Really? Yes.
I wouldn't be surprised if this may turn out to be my...
clowning achievement.
(laughing)
That sounded better in your head, didn't it?
Vastly.
Well, I don't blame her for hating clowns.
They're weird and creepy.
That was one of the reasons
I never took you kids to the circus.
Which I always resented.
You know how much I wanted to be a trapeze artist.
I even decorated a unitard
in the style of the Flying Wallendas
to wear when we visited the big top.
That was the other reason.
Well, I'll go check on dinner.
I'm gonna have to make this an early evening.
I'm leaving in the morning to visit my mother.
She moved last year to Spokane.
I remember your mom.
She used to chaperone our dances, right? Oh, yeah.
She also taught Sunday school andled the church choir.
day Must've been a very windy
when the apple fell from that tree.
(music box playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel")
You're doing fine, Mimi.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Right. Just a tiny,
inanimate piece of plastic--
it couldn't possibly hurt you.
(music continues) I know.
You're doing great.
I feel good.
(screaming hysterically)
(gasping and whimpering)
Much better.
(chuckles)
Really? Yes, yes.
You're still in the room; you didn't throw up.
That's a big improvement.
All right, now... give me your hand.
Here's the tiny little hat.
Tiny little hat, right.
And the big red nose.
A big red nose.
Now, Mimi,
is there anything you'd like to say
to our little clown friend?
Please don't kill me!
! . No
No, Mimi.
Oh, I-I mean, uh...
you're my friend, and I like you.
Excellent, Mimi. (laughs)
(chuckling): All right, then.
Now, tomorrow
we will take our biggest step yet.
No, I really don't think... No, no, I... You are ready.
You are.
In the safety of this environment,
you'll watch me transform myseIf
into a real live clown.
I will apply the makeup...
and then I'll put on the clown suit
and the big funny shoes,
and time permitting,
I will make animal balloons.
And you really think that'll work?
or As long as you don't ask f
anything too complicated, like a giraffe.
up. Well, our time is
Um... all right, then, Mimi,
I will see you tomorrow,
and rest assured, I will talk you
through every step of the way.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
There willbe no surprises.
(screams)
(chuckling) : I'm so... so sorry!
Here. There he goes. All right, now.
I will see you later, then. All right.
(screams)
) (chuckling
Again, I'm so sorry-- little fellow really is
he? full of mischief, isn't
You mean you're not controlling it?!
. Yes. Yes, of course I am
Anyway, I will, uh, see you tomorrow.
Yeah. Double session.
(whimpering) (chuckles)
Boo! (screeches)
(laughing)
What is the matter with you?
You keep standing in empty rooms with your back to the door.
an. I'm only hum
Oh, I wish Ronee could've seen that one.
I'm glad that your little girlfriend is making you
feel young again, but you're acting
Iike an irresponsible adolescent.
(mocking) : Irresponsible adolescent.
Mimicking me now.
(mocking) : Mimicking me now.
Stop it. Did you specifically come down here to torture me?
No. I'm picking up Niles for a movie,
but he's still got someone in his office.
Yes, as do I, unfortunately. Now, off you go.
Oh... when did you forget how to have fun?
You've turned into such a fuddy-duddy.
Well, forgive me
if I prefer humor of a more elevated level.
, I tell you
I might actually enjoy one of your little japes one day
if you could come up with something
with a bit more wit and sophistication.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Yes, well, I'm afraid my calendar's
rather booked right now.
Well, all right.
I suppose I could try to squeeze you in somewhere.
Uh... yes, uh, and your last name, please?
Rection. That's unusual.
And your first name?
That's not funny, either, Dad.
Oh, hello, Roz Hi.
Oh, thanks for bringing that over .No problem.
I'm warning you, though,
that clown makeup is a bitch to get off.
, I wore it for Alice's birthday party
and for a whole week afterwards, I looked like a Kabuki hooker.
Oh, yes, that was around
the time of the Seabee Awards ceremony.
I remember, you looked rather comically made-up that night.
I'd gotten it off by then.
Yoo-hoo, Frasier.
Don't be afraid. I'm coming in the door.
Very funny, Dad.
Roz, do you think it's funny
when someone sneaks up behind you
? . and jolts you out of your skin
-- Let me guess
somebody screamed like a woman.
Yes, all right. Good night, Roz. Bye.
I thought you were having dinner with Niles.
He canceled. Something else came up.
I'm just gonna watch the game in my room. All right.
But don't worry. If I come out for a beer,
I'll call ahead.
Wouldn't want you to think
there was an intruder in the house.
It's about ten years too late for that.
Dad, I'm going to go out for a while!
See you later!
MARTIN: All right, see you!
(jingles keys)
(rings doorbell repeatedly)
(vicious yell) (screams)
(laughing)
Oh, you were right, Dad. That's hilarious!
Not such a fuddy-duddy now, am I?
That's quite a comeback, Dad.
A heart attack. Come on, get up.
Dad.
Dad, you can get up now.
Dad!
Frasier.
Niles...
Dad? How's
Well, he's resting, he's stable, his color is good.
Can I see him?
They're running some tests. The doctor should be out.
How did this happen?
Well, there's so many factors in a case like this, Niles.
It's impossible to pinpoint any one cause in particular.
Why are you dressed like that?
Hmm?
. Well, uh..
Oh, all right.
You remember my patient with the clown phobia?
Oh, yes, of course. I'm sorry.
Oh, Niles.
I feel just terrible about this.
Frasier, you feel terrible--
I was supposed to have dinner with him tonight
and I canceled on him.
I would have been there when it happened,
but no, I had to try out those new bath emollients.
There's no point in trying to assign blame
. at a time like this, Niles
We must remember that.
You probably saved his life.
Our father had a heart attack.
This man saved his life.
Well, I'm sure you would have done the same thing
if you were in my shoes, Niles.
Well, not these shoes, of course.
(chuckles)
Hey.
Oh, Roz, hi.
Here are your clothes.
ad? Thank you. How's your d
He's fine now, thanks to Frasier's grace under pressure.
MAN: You know, they say
the first few minutes are critical.
Did you give him an aspirin?
Uh... yes, I did.
He's been taking care of his dad for ten years.
God bless him. What a good son.
Uh, excuse me, Dr. Crane.
I have to verify the paramedics' report.
Around 7:00 this evening
you pretended to leave your apartment...
Yes, that's right. It's all there.
. Off you go
Then you dressed up like a clown
and lured your father into the living room
where you leapt out waving a meat cleaver
causing him to collapse.
You scared him on purpose?
It was a joke.
You know how much he hates clowns.
My father hates clowns.
Yes, well, it was only meant as a playful little jolt.
Why didn't you just throw a toaster in his tub?
Dr. Crane.
Oh, yes.
Your father's doing well.
He appears to have suffered a mild cardiac event.
? . And what does that mean exactly
Basically, it's a warning.
He'll need to change his diet, start exercising.
Anyway, he should be able to go home tomorrow.
What relief. He's going to be okay.
No thanks to you.
NILES: Look at you.
You just stand there with a smile on your face.
That's makeup, you idiot.
May I remind you all that this was an accident.
It was meant as a harmless amusement.
I will not stand here and be demonized for this.
! . I am not a monster
) (screaming
(screaming continues)
Okay, Dad, just take it easy.
I'm fine.
Hey, there's my guy.
Daddy's home fro m the little vacation
your brother Frasier sent me on.
All right, Dad.
Daphne's on her way over to join us
for a nice heart-smart dinner.
Oh, and, Dad, you really should take a look
at this list the hospital sent home with us.
Now, the foods that have a little picture
of a smiling heart next to them are good for you.
Yeah, I cracked that code already.
Frasier, I wish you'd stop coddling me.
I know you're sorry
and you didn't mean to give me a heart attack.
Not a heart attack, Dad.
A cardiac event.
You know, maybe we can look on this as a sign
that you should begin a healthier lifestyle.
Perhaps one day we'll look back on this
it. and you'll thank me for
NILES: Oh, yes.
Maybe then you can find a nice card for Frasier
Iike, "Now that I'm old and looking back,
I thank you for my heart attack. "
Cardiac event.
. Here. Give me this, will you
No, Dad, here, I'll take this in your room for you.
Why don't you just go sit down and rest.
Were you able to reach Ronee at her mom's? No.
Well, here, you can try now.
No, because I'm not telling her.
What?
She doesn't need to know every little thing
that goes on in my life.
Dad, you had a heart attack.
Cardiac event.
And it's over.
- Dad... - It's over.
Dad, are you afraid
she'll start seeing you differently?
Well, you see me differently.
"Let me have that suitcase, Dad. "
"Just sit down and rest. "
I don't need her thinking of me as some feeble old guy.
Do you really want to keep such an enormous secret from her?
Well, not forever.
You and Niles can tell her after I'm dead.
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, that'll be Daphne.
She's not cooking, is she?
I just got out of the hospital.
Ronee.
Surprise, boys.
? . And start pouring. How you doing, sweetie
. Hey. Thought you were at your mother's
Oh, you know, I cut it short.
. It was just too depressing
Every since her operation, she just sits around all day
Iike she's a hundred.
Nice flowers.
"Get well soon"?
Oh, I got those for Frasier.
He has a little...
man problem.
Flares up every once in a while.
(laughing): Frasier has a man problem.
Shut up, you nit.
Hey, thank God for antibiotics, huh?
I'll be right back, and then you want to go out
and get some ribs?
Ribs sounds great.
her. Well, I'm not telling
You heard what she said about her mother.
Watch me.
And how are you going to explain the fact
that you can't eat ribs tonight
or the new medication that you're on
or the fact that you can't have sex
? . for the next two weeks
. Who says? It's on the list
What little picture is next to that one?
Dad...
Listen, if she's not able to handle something like this,
isn't it better if you know now?
Okay, Marty, let's go pig out.
Niles, help me put this stuff away, will you?
Good seeing you again, Ronee.
Yeah, you, too, and I'm glad you're feeling better.
Sorry?
. You know, your man problem
! . Ha
FRASIER: Keep laughing, you're going to have a man problem.
You know, I'm not that hungry right now.
Do you mind if we just sit for awhile?
No, no, it's fine.
You want me to go get you a beer?
No, thanks.
So, uh...
did you have good weather over there in Spokane?
Oh, God, it rained the entire time.
I basically just sat there
and made boring small talk with my mother.
God, I hate small talk.
Oh, tell me.
Rained here some, too.
know. I don't
I just hope it doesn't scare her off.
Maybe she'll surprise us.
Does Ronee ever spend the night here?
Yeah, on occasion.
Oh, good. 'Cause there's some underwear in this drawer
I was really hoping didn't belong to Dad.
Oh, look at this.
fun. Dad was right-- we're camping and we're having
Look how happy we are.
No, the car's packed. We're leaving.
God, what pains we were.
Didn't want to get our hands dirty,
didn't want to go fishing,
didn't want to sleep on the ground,
but he kept taking us...
year after year just so he could spend time with us.
And frighten us to death
with stories of hook-armed slashers.
You know, no matter how frightened I got,
as soon as Dad started laughing again,
I knew that everything was safe.
I'm not ready to lose him, Niles.
Me neither.
And I don't want my child to miss knowing him.
Who else is going to teach him how to catch a football ball?
You know, 1 1 years ago when he moved in here,
I couldn't imagine a bigger infringement
. on my life
Now... I can't imagine my life without him.
It would be very hard to walk into this apartment
and see that chair...
and know that Dad wasn't here anymore.
Oh, I'd get rid of that chair immediately.
So you made it from Spokane on one tank? Wow.
Yeah, that was really one for the books.
Okay, Marty, what's going on?
What?
Well, I feel like you have something on your mind
me. that you're not telling
No, I don't.
.. It's just.
Boy, this is hard.
say. I'm just nervous about what you're going to
Marty, just...
, Yesterday I had a mild
very mild cardiac event.
A what?
I had a little heart attack.
And that's it?
What do you mean, that's it?
I had a heart attack, for God's sake!
No surgery, home the next day.
That's a bee sting.
. Did they use the paddles? No
. Well, talk to me after they've used the paddles
You had the paddles?
Let's just say I didn't have the best lipo guy.
Well, I'm sorry if it' s not dramatic enough for you.
Look, after all that buildup I just thought it would be
something bigger, you know,
Iike you were going to break up with me
or pop the question or something.
And FYI, the next time you're in the hospital,
I would appreciate a phone call, if it's not too much trouble.
. Fine. And FYI, I'm not breaking up with you
Well, I know that now.
And if I was going to do that other thing,
it wouldn't be here.
What other thing?
Pop the question.
Oh.
sake. It'd be someplace romantic, for God's
Tablecloths.
Nice.
nice. Damn right it'd be
So?
So what?
So what would you have said ?
How should I know? You didn't ask me.
So say I am now.
. What? Asking you
Well, are you or aren't you?
am. I
Okay then.
Okay.
? . Okay, what
Okay, I will.
Yeah ?
Yeah.
Okay.
Maybe Dad's right.
I'm getting stuck in my ways.
I like the way things are. I don't want them to change.
Well, don't worry.
He's not going anywhere for awhile.
Hey, guys, guess what.
I'm getting married!