Dad, why aren't you dressed? It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
Oh, I've been working nights.
My body clock's off.
I'm eating bacon and eggs at night,
and drinking beer in the morning.
That's what you always do.
Yeah, but now I'm tired all the time.
There must be some way
to end this fight with your boss.
What's the problem?
Oh, he wants me to date his sister, and I won't do it,
so he's put me on graveyard until I cave.
He can't do that.
Why don't you file a complaint?
I'd just as soon keep it just between the two of us.
I see. Is this woman really so repulsive
that you're willing to sacrifice all your nights
just to avoid a date with her?
Well, let me put it this way:
Years of chewing tobacco have discolored her tooth.
(laughs)
Someone left a book of one-liners
in the Lost and Found.
Hey, Fras, there's your friend again.
MAN ( on TV ): ...have seen his top-rated show.
Dr. Phil. Now meet Dr. Phil McGraw in person.
I'll be talking about life strategies
at the State Theater Friday through Sunday.
Come join us. It might just change your life.
Now, there's a doctor.
I never knew you were friends with Dr. Phil.
Some years back, we found ourselves
running into each other at seminars and conferences.
He's an excellent therapist.
We had a bit of a clash over ethics.
Oh, really? Mm-hmm.
What did you do, sleep with a patient?
Not my ethics. His.
The man bilked me out of $200 in a card game.
He did not bilk you.
It's called a one-eyed jack.
Oh, yes, yes, there is one eye.
But the other eye is there by implication.
Therefore, the hand should have been a do-over.
And you can ask Niles about this, too.
Far as I'm concerned, the man owes me $200.
This guy's so cheap,
he could squeeze a nickel till the buffalo chokes.
(laughs)
Dad, exactly how old is this book of one-liners?
How old?
You're asking me how old?
Well, I'll tell you how old.
1956.
Oh, Frasier, Daphne told me
all about Dr. Phil. Oh.
I can't believe you know him. Well...
You think you could get me in backstage?
Roz, I really hadn't planned on seeing him.
Oh. Jealous, huh?
Oh, it's okay, I understand.
I am most certainly not jealous.
The man happens to owe me $200.
Right.
But you know who could help you
with your jealousy?
Dr. Phil.
He'd be, like...
"So your jealousy of me has taken over your life.
How's that working for you?"
Yes.
And I'd be, like...
"Fine. My money, sir."
Oh, please?
Please do it for me? Please?
Well...
all right, all right.
Oh, thank you.
All right, I'll see you at work.
Yeah, okay.
Here you go. Oh.
I couldn't remember if you wanted it black or not,
so I brought it both ways.
Well, that's very thoughtful of you.
Thank you.
No, you might as well keep it.
You're paying for both.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Daph.
Niles. Hello.
(gasps): Oh, Nile Mm-hmm?
Look who's here.
NILES: Oh, isn't that adorable?
See this couple?
We-we've seen them in the park a few times.
They're so sweet together.
We like to think they're us when we're older.
Look how Old Niles
still puts his jacket around Old Daphne's shoulders.
Ooh! She's still a saucy little kitten.
And I'll bet he still rolls overin the middle of the night...
Yes, the picture is gotten. Thank you.
Oh, look. I think I've found Old Frasier.
Oh, yeah.
I see.
Well, I hope the two of you will understand if, in future,
I choose to knit scarves only for myself.
Come on, we were only joking.
Yes, I know. It's all in good fun.
Oh, Niles, I just remembered. I've got...
Shut up!
Excuse me?
Shut up!
We're trying to knit.
(audience applauding) ROZ: Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil, over here!
Roz, please!
At least attempt to be cool
Phil! Phil!
Well, Frasier Crane, is that you?
Most assuredly
Oh, that's you all right.
So how are you?
I'm fine, I'm fine. How's Robin?
She's great. Can you believe it?
We're going on 27 years.
Oh, congratulations.
And how's Lilith?
Well, we've been divorced now for ten years.
Congratulations.
Hi. I'm Roz Doyle. Oh, I'm sorry. Yes.
I'm Frasier's producer.
I just think you're wonderful.
I think your show is great, and you're a truly wise man.
Do you know Tom Hanks?
Uh... no, but thanks for the compliment.
Y'all come on through.
Oh, thank you. Thanks.
Come on.
So, Frasier, how's your show?
Oh, huge, thank you.
We just added Spokane last year.
And a station in Saint Paul
has agreed to let me send them a tape.
Can you believe, after all that time
we spent in the seminars,
that we both turned out to be broadcasters?
Boy, those were some good times, weren't they?
Oh, indeed they were.
Although sometimes the fun and games...
were lacking in fun.
Are you still whining about that 200 bucks?
Well, it's the principle of the thing...
I tell you what, I tell you what.
Why don't we just discuss it over dinner?
Love to. Can't.
I am so busy-- personal appearances,
and book signings, and interviews--
I've got this agent that's got me going 25/8
In fact, speak of the devil, here she comes
Phil, darling!
Oh! That was sensational!
Bebe?
Frasier!
And Roz, too.
You guys know each other?
She's my agent.
And she used to be mine.
Phil, there's a swarm of reporters
in your dressing room waiting to talk to you.
I probably should be going, actually
But, Roz, it was really nice to meet you.
And Frasier,
tell you what, let's do e-mail.
Okay.
Isn't he marvelous?
He's a cowboy...
wrapped in a genius, wrapped in a dream...
wrapped in another cowboy.
I cannot believe that I have
the same agent as Dr. Phil!
Actually, you don't.
Somebody as big as Dr. Phil needs all of my attention,
but rest assured, you are being handled ably
by an agent in whom I have the utmost confidence.
Who is it?
I want to say Tim...
I think I need to make a phone call.
Yeah.
So, Bebe... (chuckles)
however did you land Dr. Phil?
We met about a year ago
at a charity donkey basketball game.
Donkey basketball?
Texas, darling.
It's like the symphony to them
Long story short,
I gave him some advice
and, finally, he hired me full-time.
Well, congratulations.
You can't imagine
the connections I have these days.
If only you and I had...
Well...
that's water under the bridge, I guess.
It's fun catching up, but...
Phil's interviewing stylists for the Emmys.
Bye, Frasier.
What a phony, huh?
She used to be my phony.
Dad, do you think I did the right thing changing agents?
I mean the one I have now is fine,
but after I've seen what Bebe's done for Phil,
I can't help wondering
if maybe I've denied myself access to a wider world.
Dad, are you all right?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I... I haven't talked to anybody for a few days.
It feels kind of strange.
Even this is making me a little uncomfortable.
Dad, you have got to stop with the graveyard shifts
or you're going to start seeing apparitions.
No, don't worry about me. I'm pretty tough.
Listen, I'd love to stay here talking to you,
but all this sunlight is making me dizzy.
What, you don't like the sun?
Us night-shift guys call it...
"The Scare-Ball."
(doorbell rings)
Oh, Bebe.
Hello, darling.
I can across this old box of Frasier strategy memos,
and I thought I'd bring them by to you.
Gosh, I... I didn't realize there was so much.
And you thought I didn't work hard.
Now, now, there's no reason to take that tone.
Things have certainly worked out for you, wouldn't you say?
Too true.
But... I can't be blamed for being a bit of a bitter Bebe.
No one likes being tossed aside for a younger woman.
Oh, Bebe, you know very well
I only changed agents
because you were ignoring me in favor of another client.
I wasn't ignoring you,
I was merely getting some much-needed critical distance
for a final glorious Frasierian push!
But let's not rehash the past.
Agreed.
We accomplished too much together
to stop being friends now.
True.
Frasier...
have you ever wondered what it would be like...
if I could apply what I've learned...
to you?
Yes, I have.
But it cannot be.
Can it?
Dangerous thoughts.
You're a siren...
luring me to the rocks.
But I must resist,
or you'll hurt me again.
No, I'm no siren!
I'm a man! A man with ambitions!
Ambition!
The word is candy to me.
Damn you, devil man!
I must go!
I'm all confused and woozy!
I understand!
But what about me?!
Very well.
Be at my hotel tonight for dinner.
Perhaps you'll show me just how serious you are.
I think I've figured it out.
Bebe wants to have sex with a human male
to bring about the apocalypse.
Perhaps.
But here's my theory:
Bebe's had a thing for me for years. Mm-hmm.
This, coupled with the fact
that control is an aphrodisiac for her,
it's not surprising to find that she hopes
to parlay her advantage into a sexual conquest.
the promise of wealth and exposure
lure you into her bed?
It's not going to come to that
It's all about the dance
It's all about the possibility of sex-- the promise--
that's never delivered that keeps them tantalized.
One only needs to know how not to cross the line.
Excuse me, but didn't you sleep with her once?
Yes. That's how I know where the line is.
I almost feel sorry for her.
Just another helpless woman
suffering from an unslakable thirst...
For Crane. for Crane.
Still, I can't help thinking
there's something Faustian about this whole thing.
(chuckling): Faust was a moron.
I'm going to be a star.
Hi, Daph.
Hello.
A latte, please.
Hello, darling.
Hello.
Did you see who's here?
Yes.
I wonder if you'll still be stirring my coffee like that
when we're in our golden years. Yes.
And I know that a touch from you then
will be just as sweet as it is today.
So this is where you've been going!
And with this tramp from water aerobics!
Who are you?
I'm his wife.
You're married?
I can explain.
Don't bother, you worm!
You promised that was it the last time.
(knocking on door)
Frasier, come in.
(distant choir singing)
How did you know it was me?
I felt a certain tingle in the knob.
Indeed.
Well, I see Phil has landed you
in the lap of luxury.
Yes, it's a lovely suite.
Unfortunately, there's some sort
of choir championship this weekend,
and they practice at all hours.
Is it Madrigal Madness already?
I had no idea it was this close to Whitsun.
Please, darling, sit.
I'll pour the champagne.
Well, I... I suppose a drop wouldn't hurt.
So... have you given any thought
to taking me on again?
Yes, I have.
And I have to say there's almost nothing I'd enjoy more.
Wonderful.
But first...
let's talk about what I'd enjoy more.
You want more than ten percent?
I want you.
And yes to the other thing.
Gosh, Bebe...
I'm-I'm terribly flattered.
It-it's just that, um...
Frasier. Hmm?
A few years ago I let down my guard
and succumbed to your advances.
You seduced me.
It changed me, Frasier.
If I crave your touch again, you've only yourself to blame.
I'm not going to say that you're not a beautiful woman.
But is it wise for us to jump into a relationship?
I'm only talking about having a little fun.
After all, when I'm having fun, I'm happy.
When I'm happy, I work harder.
When I work harder, you become famous
and rich and powerful.
That's what you want, isn't it-- fame and power?
Well, I... I like to think of it
more as influence, really, but...
I'll bet I can make you bigger than Dr. Phil.
Is that running water I hear?
Yes. I'm steaming the wrinkles out of a dress.
Does it put you in mind of a tropic night...
...a moonlit stroll,
the rhythmic lapping of waves
against the shore?
You know, if it's silk, the steam could damage it.
Wait right here.
. I'd better open a window
Yes, darling.
Let the night in
while I slip into something a little more comfortable
Well, if you want comfortable, how about that sweater ensemble
I saw you in this morning?
(choir singing ominous tune )
Bebe?
Join me, Frasier.
I'll make your dreams come true.
But... at what cost?
What I'm offering you is priceless.
Come, Frasier.
(ominous tune intensifies)
FRASIER: I can't!
(yelling)
(shrieks)
(sighs heavily)
( dings )
(chuckles softly)
(whirring)
(imitates sizzling)
Roger. You are go for liftoff.
Godspeed, Martin Six.
(microwave dings)
Oh!
Aah!
What the hell's going on?
Oh, geez.
Just sort of a...
a... minor accident here.
But don't worry about it
Everything's under control
So, what time you want me to pick up your sister?
Well, if it isn't the First Couple of radio.
I knew I could find you here.
Bebe, shouldn't you be in Los Angeles with Dr. Phil?
That's up to you, Frasier.
I don't understand.
Well, after our. .. meeting last night
I had to ask myself a very difficult question:
Am I really that happy with Dr. Phil
if I'm entertaining thoughts of returning to you?
Are you saying you'll have me back?
How could I refuse you?
Dr. Phil has been amusing,
but I need a project.
I need a Frasier Crane.
Well, that's... that's wonderful.
Incidentally, Dr. Phil paid me 15%.
Well, as will Dr. Frasier.
I've just got one very difficult call
to make to my agent.
Already handled.
I also took the liberty of calling Spokane.
The terms of your deal there were worse than abysmal.
Great. Great. You got me more money!
No, they wouldn't budge, so you quit.
You're no longer on in Spokane. Isn't that exciting?
Wait a minute.
That is a step backwards.
All the better to get a running start.
In my opinion,
the future is firmly in front of us.
Congratulations, Frasier.
Oh, thank you, Bebe. Thank you so much.
I'll call you tomorrow.
I'll be waiting.
Gosh! Roz, isn'’t that great news?
I feel like a weight has been lifted from me.
Oh, it's marvelous!
She's charging you more money, and we just lost Spokane.
Big picture: the future is firmly in front of me.
Isn't the future always in front of you?
Yes... but not firmly.
Well, my little lamb
has bleated his way back to me
So my debt i
We don't have to keep pretending you're my agent?
We're square, darling.
And maybe next time you gamble with Bebe...
you'll pay your debts with cash.
See, the problem is,
my wife looks at the bank statements,
and if she knew I was losing money playing cards,
she would kill me.
So, your wife doesn't know you play poker?
I don't tell her everything.
I see.
And how's that working for you?
Just deal the cards.
♪♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling ♪ ♪
♪♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ Mercy ♪♪
♪♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪♪
♪♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪♪
(laughs)
♪♪ But I don'’’t know what to do ♪♪
♪♪ With those tossed salad s and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ They'’’re calling again . ♪♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night, Seattle! We love you!