Ow! All right! All right, I'll talk!
Just make the pain stop!
Oh, shut up.
I'm just trying to get the blood flowing.
More like make me hemorrhage.
Don't tempt me.
Oh, God, you broke something!
Too bad it wasn't your bloody pie hole.
There, we're done, you big baby.
What? Already?
Oh, that felt great. Oh!
I feel like a new man.
I love your new table.
Oh, you're sweet.
Can I make you a sandwich?
Oh, that'd be great. Yeah.
Oh, by the way, Daph,
you know, they're showing the first ever episode
of Rockford today.
If you're really serious
about becoming an American citizen
maybe you ought to watch it.
Ah...
Well, now you've opened it. That's mail theft.
Nonsense.
What's going on? FRASIER: Nothing.
Just another piece of Cam Winston's mail
has found its way into our box.
It's been happening a lot since we switched mailboxes.
Even after I gave the postman a stern lecture.
Especially after.
FRASIER: Anyway, it was an honest mistake.
Cam and I are on all the same mailing lists
and I'm sure mine is in his box.
Besides, it's nothing personal.
Look, it's just an announcement
for some place called La Porte D'Argent.
Probably just another froufrou restaurant
or froufrou clothing store.
No, no, no. This is not froufrou, Dad,
as evidenced by the manly scent of balsam.
They obviously deal with a very upscale clientele.
Hmm.
Oh! La Porte D'Argent.
Someone at the racquet club was talking about this.
It's very, very exclusive.
Yes?
That's all I know.
Some ill-mannered person started up his blow dryer
before I could hear any more.
Hello.
NILES: Oh, Daphne, Daphne,
did I get one of these in the mail today?
No, I don't think so.
Poor Niles
What's this about?
Oh, they're all worked up over some smelly invitation
Frasier stole to some place they never heard of.
Oh.
Yes, but that's what's so intriguing, Dad.
That there exists an exclusive place in Seattle
that neither of us knows about.
Could be an art gallery
or-or a new haberdashery.
Or an Italian shoelace boutique.
What's happening?
It's a machine. Oh.
It's asking me to enter my six-digit access code.
What'll I do?
Why don't you just punch in whatever keys spell out
"snobby."
You know, it might be worth a try.
Oh! Denied!
Oh! The allure of La Porte D'Argent
has increased tenfold.
All right, here's our plan:
We'll go to the university computer lab,
bribe some hungry hacker
and once he's tapped into their mainframe
La Porte D'Argent will offer up
her sweet secret like a blushing bride on her wedding night.
Why don't you just go down there
and ask them what they do?
"B." All right, Dad. That's a plan
Hello.
Uh, is this La Porte D'Argent?
Yes, it is.
Ah, good.
Say, someone was asking me earlier today
about La Porte D'Argent
and I had a-a difficult time characterizing it.
Uh, what would you tell him?
We try to discourage word of mouth.
That's exactly what I said
So, oh, well, I'm here to take advantage of your offer.
Sure. Can I have your name, please?
Yes. Frasier Crane
(keyboard keys clacking)
I'm not finding you.
Try Dr. Frasier Crane
Perhaps you've heard my popular radio show.
I'm not really a radio person.
I'm sorry,
You're not on the list.
I can't let you in.
But I have an invitation.
Yes, but you're not on the list.
Yes, but I do have an invitation.
But you aren't on the list.
Yes, well, if I were on the list
then I wouldn't need an invitation, would I?
I would just say, "I'm on the list."
Therefore, the invitation supersedes the list.
No, invitations are given out only to those on the list.
Aha. But you do concede
that I have a valid invitation?
Yes.
Then it naturally follows that I would be on the list.
But you're not.
Then how did I get the invitation?
I really don't know. You could have stolen it.
Are you accusing me of deception?
Cam! Cam Winston!
(chuckling): There you are.
(deep voice): Hello, Frasier
FRASIER: You know, while I was waiting for you
I decided to test the mettle of this young man.
I'm pleased to report that he follows the rules
of La Porte D'Argent to the letter.
(both laugh)
Anyway
I am a guest of Mr. Cam Winston's here.
Uh, he told me to meet him here.
Gave me the invitation, and here I am.
Yes, I'm Cam Winston, and he's my guest
and I asked him to meet me here.
Oh!
Here you are, Mr. Winston.
Welcome to La Porte D'Argent.
Ah, thank you. I hope you both enjoy your stay.
Take a moment to look over our services
and I'll be back in just a moment.
Niles, it's a day spa!
(deep voice): Good gravy, this is fantastic.
Would you stop talking like that?
It's the worst impersonation of Cam Winston
I've ever heard.
You've heard another one?
Of course not.
Then it's the best.
Now you're stuck talking like that all day.
Here are your keys, gentlemen.
Your aestheticians will be with you shortly.
you. (clears throat) Thank you.
(normal voice): Thank you.
Oh, good, I've been waiting for that all morning.
Oh, Niles...
the air vetting massage sounds splendid.
"Two therapists at once
using hot stones"
"and a blend of essential oils
personally created for your dosha."
I think I'll have the aroma therapy Swedish.
Oh, Niles.
Look at this bounty.
Take a risk. Be a man.
The "Chardonnay Rose Hips Salt Glow"?
Now, that's more like it
Oh, lovely
Right this way.
Thank you. Frasier, Frasier,
river rocks and a stalk of wheat. Ooh.
Ooh.
(water burbling, new age music playing)
I knew it was going to be good,
but I had no idea it would be this good.
I feel like I've been rubbed by angels.
Niles, I just wish you had tried
the vasotocin aqua therapy treatment.
I feel as if I've had a rebirthing experience.
I've never felt better in my life.
I'm so polished, my entire body is squeaking.
(laughs)
Ah, hello.
How was everything?
Oh... Heaven.
Nirvana.
I'm so glad.
Now this is a breakdown of your services.
Ah.
(coughs)
Oh.
Nirvana ain't cheap.
Well...
Well, it's worth it, I suppose.
What do you say we make this
a standing appointment, Niles?
I think we owe it to ourselves. Yes.
I'd be happy to set that up
Ah! Now, I've also put together
a personal La Porte D'Argent product system
for each of you
based on the recommendations of your aestheticians.
Oh, Niles, this smells great.
Try that.
The mid-afternoon, antistress spritz.
Mm-hmm.
I've never even heard of "eyelash conditioner."
Ah.
Hence the brittle lashes.
Hey, isn't that Senator Ogden?
It is.
Oh, Niles, this just gets better and better.
Balanced skin and social advancement
all in one setting. I'm going to go say hello.
I'm sorry.
That area is restricted to our Gold Level members.
You have a gold level?
How do you get in?
You'd have to be on the list.
But we are on the list.
The Gold List.
FRASIER: This is absurd!
I'm a member of every exclusive club in this entire town.
You must have a reciprocal membership with one of them.
I'm sorry.
But you're more than welcome to enjoy the many amenities
of the Silver Level.
And just how are we supposed to enjoy this?!
And this isn't working!
(gunfire)
Well, technically, he's not Maverick in this-- he's Rockford.
Even though we all know he's secretly Maverick.
I can see why you like this show.
Yeah.
What's not to like?
Solving crimes, pretty girls, car chases.
Leisure suits.
Yeah!
Rockford's dad reminds me of you.
What are you talking about?
Rockford's dad.
You're just like him: cranky but lovable.
The hell I am.
I'm like Rockford.
How do you get that?
Well, come on.
He solves crimes, I solved crimes.
We're both in tune with the beat of the street.
He's the kind of guy that men want to be
and women want to be with.
When this show first came out,
everybody used to say I was like Rockford.
I'm sorry, I don't see it.
You still remind me of his dad.
Rocky? But he's old.
Oh, I see.
I didn't mean that.
I just meant there's something about him
that reminds me of you.
Yeah, his oldness?
Oh, stop it.
If you want to be Rockford, you can be Rockford.
I don't care. Fine.
Then let's just watch it.
I don't want to watch this anymore
Congratulations-- you've ruined Rockford for me.
I had a nagging feeling the whole time
they were holding something back on purpose.
"Blended for your dosha," indeed!
They wouldn't know my dosha if they fell over it!
So what kind of a hoity-toity place did it end up being?
It was a hellhole!
They have the nerve to call it a day spa
when it's nothing more than a-a mere front
for a bona fide luxury spa
which taunts those kept at bay outside its golden door.
If you didn't go in, how do you know it's better?
FRASIER: It had to be.
The door was gold.
Ours was only silver.
Gold is better than silver.
Stupid silver.
Well, you'll always be in my exclusive club, honey.
Oh, thanks.
And that's all I need.
There must be somebody who can get us in.
Let's go comb our Rolodexes.
Yes.
There has to be a way
out of the slum they call the Silver Room.
Why do I keep squeaking?!
Hey, Frasier.
Oh.
Wait till you see this.
(laughing): It is so cool.
Really?
Well, I could use something to balm my wounds.
(chuckles)
Painful as it is, I've come to accept
that I shall never pass through that spa's gold door
Anyway, I was filing your new head shot...
Yes, mm-hmm?
...and I started looking through your old ones.
Went back to when you first started.
Mm-hmm
(chuckling)
(continues chuckling)
Whoo!
What am I lookingat?
Oh, it's like an animation of your hairline receding.
Isn't that great?
(laughing)
Okay, right now, here's the good part.
Uh-huh.
It's growing back! Ha.
Receding.
Yes, yes.
s. Growing back. Yes, yes, ye
All right, Roz, that's enough, all right!
Don't be so sensitive. (groans)
Hi. Hi.
Oh, Niles, no good news,
I suppose?
I've had no luck getting us
into the gold level.
Are you guys really this bent out of shape
about that gold spa?
Yes.
Why can't you be happy with the silver one?
'Cause gold is better.
Bull. The only reason why you want to go there
is because you can't.
We saw a senator going in.
Asenator.
We elected him-- he works for us.
How is it fair that our employee is admitted
while we are shunted off to the icy depths of silver level?
It's a spa.
How much better could it be?
What, are they going to carry you around like a sultan?
You going to be massaged by supermodels?
And then, what if you do get through the gold door?
What next, the diamond door?
And after that, a titanium door.
And after that, a plutonium door.
That's ridiculous.
Plutonium's radioactive.
No one's going to make a door out of it.
Although Roz does make a point, Niles.
What kind of crazy fantasy are we chasing?
(sighs)
See? I'm right. Hmm?
sorry. Oh, I'm-I'm
I was just imagining supermodels with that crook Senator Ogden.
It was Senator Ogden?
I know him.
You do?
ROZ: Yeah.
He really owes me one, too.
Want me to give him a call?
Would you? Absolutely!
How do you know Senator Ogden?
Well... I knew him a few years ago
when his marriage was on the rocks.
We kept it very hush-hush.
Thank God I knew CPR.
Rockford is on.
Not interested.
Oh, come on, it looks like a good one.
Tom Selleck's in it.
Oh, those are good.
Not that I care.
You know, I caught a few episodes at home,
and I see the resemblance between you
and a young Jim Rockford.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No one gives him credit when he has a good idea.
He likes to drive a little too fast.
He's got my chin.
And he knows how to work the system,
and the babes love him.
Yes, they do.
(chuckling)
So what do you say?
t? Oh, okay, why no
od. Ah, this is go
Sorry I got so worked up.
You've got principles, like Rockford.
Okay, let's not lay it on too thick.
Oh, look at that.
Malibu, California
FYI, those mountains you see in the background
are the same ones you see at the beginning of MASH.
Oh, I love MASH.
Whenever I watch it, I think of you
serving in Korea all those years ago.
Just like Colonel Potter.
That's it. Go home.
Why?
Colonel Potter was old when he did Dragnet!
Colonel Potter-- that funny young doctor
who used to mix martinis in his tent.
Oh, you're thinking of Hawkeye
Yes, that's who I meant.
Okay.
(birds chirping)
I've taken you to the relaxation grotto.
We'll just let the wrap
and your orange-honey butter mask soothe you
while you listen to the healing sounds
of the Javanese rain forest, okay?
(squeaky voice): Okay.
Oh, excuse me.
Frasier? Hm?
Frasier, is that you?
Niles. Hi.
I just had a... a color therapy treatment.
My eyes haven't readjusted yet
Uh, they sent me in here to relax.
I'm letting my orange-honey butter mask set.
Oh.
(sighs)
Roz was so wrong
(sighs): Ah.
Completely wrong.
(chuckling)
Oh. Yeah, my eyes are better.
Hmm.
Oh, Niles.
You should see this place.
Be my eyes, Frasier.
Well... it's just paradise
(chuckles)
From the rare, exotic orchids...
the trompe l'oeil sky...
the perfectly bubbled stream to the...
To the what?
There's a platinum door.
Platinum?
Are you sure?
Yes.
Is it guarded?
No! Just brazenly standing there.
Then rip the cucumbers from my eyes, and let's go!
Right.
(grunting)
Niles!
What?
What are we doing? Oh!
This is exactly what Roz said.
No, no. Roz said "diamond door."
Niles, this is heaven.
Right here and now
Why do we have to think about someplace else?
This is only heaven
for the people who can't get into the real heaven--
the platinum heaven.
Niles, why can'’t we be happy?
Why must we allow the- the thought of something
that at this point can only be incrementally better,
ruin what is here and now?
(gasping): I don't know.
Let's figure it out... on the other side.
No.
I am through chasing the eternal carrot.
Whatever is behind that door
shall remain behind that door unseen.
Stay if you want.
I have to know!
Oh, for God's sake, you can't even walk, you ninny!
All right, all right, I will go.
Just to take a peek.
MAN: I'm sorry, sir.
You're not allowed through there.
Please remain in the relaxation grotto.
"Please remain...
in the relaxation grotto"?
Have crueler words ever been spoken?
Now, that's it-- I am determined
to see where they think I don't belong.
Take me with you!
(gasps): Niles...
healing warmth and light!
It must be a magnificent solarium!
Good-bye, sweet and edible facials.
Hello, radiant, life-giving sun!
It's beautiful! It's beautiful!
Yes! This is where we belong!
Do you smell garbage?
Oh, dear, Niles.
I don't think this is part of the spa!
Hello!
Hello, anyone in the relaxation grotto!
Frasier?
Hmm?
Look at all those bees
Bees?
Niles! Our sweet and edible facials!
Run!
♪♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling ♪ ♪
♪♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ Mercy ♪♪
♪♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪♪
♪♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪♪
(laughs)
♪♪ But I don'’’t know what to do ♪♪
♪♪ With those tossed salad s and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ They'’’re calling again . ♪♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night, everybody!