Oh, don't you look nice.
Yeah, Frasier wanted me dressed up for this mystery lunch of his.
He hasn't told you what the occasion is either?
No, but I'm sure it's something very important.
I'm sure he wants to unveil his new antique Elizabethan egg timer.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
Yeah, or debut his pre-Columbian spoon rest.
-Hello, all. -MARTIN: Hey.
Well, Dad, I see you're ready to roll.
Can you tell us what kind of restaurant you're taking us to?
Patience, Dad.
Roz will be here in a few minutes, then we'll be off and all will be revealed.
So how did it go with the doctor?
Judging by that smile, I'm guessing your cholesterol's down.
Well, after several weeks of watching my diet and taking my medication
and race-walking every Tuesday, it hasn't budged.
The good news is that I've developed bursitis to help take my mind off of it.
The doctor says it's all just a matter of aging.
Well, no reason to let it ruin our festive lunch.
You don't forget that trip to the doctor.
FRASIER: Oh, no.
He says, "There's nothing I can do for you.
You're just getting old, sport."
In my case it was "slugger," but that was the gist.
You know what I realized, when people reach our stage of life…
Dad, please, with all due respect, when it comes to life's journeys,
you and I do not share a stage.
We're not even in the same theater.
You're taking this all very cheerfully, Dr. Crane.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Well, why shouldn't I? In many ways, my life couldn't be better.
I mean, by and large I'm in good health.
There is a promising new relationship on the horizon with the lovely Rachel.
My career is thriving…
-Did you say thriving or diving? -What?
-Look at these ratings. -Roz, that's nothing to worry about.
For God's sakes. They're just leveling off.
That's what tends to happen when you hit bottom.
Look, there's no cause for alarm here, Roz.
The important thing is we go on doing a quality show.
-How about some quality lunch? -Splendid idea.
Off we go then. Oh, Niles will be joining us there.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Oh, excuse me.
Hello?
Ah, Rachel, yes. Uh…
Momentito.
So is Donny going to be joining us?
No, he's got wedding business this afternoon.
-He's composing our vows. -Oh, isn't that romantic?
He's not exactly Wordsworth strolling through a shady glen.
When I left, he was lying on the couch in his underwear
with a tin of Vienna sausages and a rhyming dictionary on his chest.
Well, remember that new relationship on the horizon?
-ROZ: Yeah? -It got married in Vegas last night.
MARTIN: Ohh.
Great, you don't have a date for Daphne's wedding.
I'll find a date. Don't worry, Roz. Lunch awaits.
-Hey, great. -ROZ: Why don't we go together?
No, Roz, I assure you, my dance card will be punched.
By who?
Oh, I don't know right now. It's just that I will be Crane plus one.
Just in case you don't get a date, what time would you pick me up?
-I'm getting a date. -ROZ: Just in case.
-I'm getting a date. -What time are you picking her up?
-Three o'clock. -Well, can you make it 3:30?
I'm getting a date.
DAPHNE: So, what's the big occasion?
Wait for it. Let the moment build. Besides, Niles hasn't arrived yet.
I'd be surprised if he came.
-He's terrified of this place. -Still?
-My God, it's been 30 years. -What happened?
Esther and I brought the boys here when they were kids,
Niles was running, bumped into the dessert trolley
and Stefano got hot and yelled at him, and Niles got terrified, and he, well…
-He vomited. -Right.
All over Stefano's shoes.
He ran out, hid behind the car and he hasn't been back in here since.
Poor little weenie.
Hey, Dr. Crane.
Oh, good to see you, Stefano. How are you?
-Allow me to introduce Daphne Moon. -STEFANO: Yes.
-My father, Martin. -Yes, hello, how are you?
-And this is… -Hey, we all know Roz.
All right, what today?
We've got some special dishes for you, Dr. Crane.
-Porcini, fresh from Napoli. -Oh, well…
And for me?
Giorgio, fresh from Sicily.
Can I get him to go?
You bet.
Okay, now, I'm gonna be waiting on you myself today, okay?
-Just give me a minute. I come back. -FRASIER: Grazie.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Oh, excuse me. Mm-hm.
Hello?
Yes, hello, Niles.
Oh, really?
Oh, what a shame.
-Told you. -FRASIER: That's all right.
If your patient is having a crisis, you'd better address it.
Before it turns into a crippling, immature, lifelong problem.
You're not really mad at him, are you?
Well, of course I'm mad at him.
I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind at dinner tonight.
Tonight? Oh, I was hoping you could come to Alice's birthday party.
My balloon-animal guy canceled, and I could really use your help.
I'm sorry. Niles made the reservations a month ago. It's at Quelquechose.
Fine.
If Niles isn't coming, you can tell us what the big surprise is.
Oh, all right, I'll spill.
For over 60 years,
Stefano's has immortalized Seattle's famous faces on its walls,
as you can see.
With one notable exception.
It's me. Stefano's unveiling the portrait today.
DAPHNE: Oh, wonderful.
That's what I'll do for Alice's party. I'll get a cartoonist to draw the kids.
That's an excellent idea.
Let's not forget why we're here. Anybody have a toast?
Okay, Dr. Crane, here it is.
FRASIER: My portrait?
No, it's today's specials.
Of course, it's your portrait. Would you like to say a few words? Come on.
Well, if you insist.
[FRASIER, STEFANO CHUCKLING]
Before we unveil this picture, permit me to paint one of my own.
A picture of a young Frasier Crane.
Wide-eyed, gazing at the walls of Stefano's and wondering,
"Who's that?"
Well, little did I suspect that one day my picture would be on the wall.
And perhaps now other children will come in,
gaze at it, and wonder, "Who's that?"
I'm betting that's gonna happen a lot.
So thank you, Stefano, for this honor.
Thank you for suggesting it.
And now, may I present,
Il dot tore. Dr. Frasier Crane.
Fras, will you let it go? It's a perfectly nice picture.
Oh?
So nothing about it jumped out at you as, oh, I don't know, encephalitic?
So they gave you a big forehead. Who cares? It makes you look smart.
Makes me look like I discovered fire.
Here, Frasier, I was leaving you a note apologizing for that flimsy excuse.
I'm sorry. The thought of going back there got my stomach doing flip-flops.
Oh, by the way, Daphne, the doorman gave me this for you.
No, it's for Donny.
Uh, no, it's for Mrs. Donny Douglas.
Funny. That's the first time I've seen my name like that.
Well, get used to it. That's you in a couple of weeks.
So how was lunch? What was the big surprise?
-Don't ask. The less said, the better. -They put his picture on the wall.
He thinks his forehead looks a touch too big.
A touch?
I look like a fugitive from Easter Island.
Frasier, you always think you look bad in pictures.
This is not some photo I can throw away.
This is a picture of me in a famous restaurant.
God, I've dreamed my entire life of being on that wall.
Now you are. Are you really so vain that that's not honor enough?
Vanity has nothing to do with it. It's about misrepresentation.
You know, if I were you, I would be careful about bandying the word vain,
Mr. 250-dollar Haircut.
I have problem follicles.
Frasier, it's a caricature. They exaggerate stuff.
Now, if it were me, they would've drawn maybe a big cane.
If it were Niles, they'd draw a barber cutting the hair off a giant sucker.
I know you're sensitive about your big forehead
but we all have stuff like that.
With me it's my eyes. I've always fancied sparkling blue ones
instead of dull old brown.
Your eyes?
Your eyes are not dull.
Thank you, Dr. Crane, that's very nice.
Well, they're… They're warm and… And, uh…
Full of life.
You have beautiful eyes too.
Oh, goodness.
I can't be lollygagging around here. I have to…
To get Dr. Crane his oat bran.
Oat bran? Now?
You'll need it for the morning.
You've got to have something to sop up all that nasty cholesterol
gumming up your heart.
If not, I'm liable to come home and find you face down on the floor
with the dog gnawing off your foot.
And I'm not making that up either. That happened. Cheerio.
I wish she moved that fast when I'm out of beer.
Well, I should be off too. Are we still on for dinner at Quelquechose?
FRASIER: Yes, of course.
NILES: You might wanna call and confirm.
Yes, I'll make a mental note.
Be careful you don't lose it inside that giant puppet head.
FRASIER: Goodbye, Niles.
Giant puppet head, indeed.
Let it go. What are you gonna do? Go down there and make him change it?
Just accept it for the honor it is.
That's all. You know, I don't get you.
Doctor gives you bad news, you take it in stride.
-But one bad picture… -Yes, thank you, Dad.
Hello? Yes, I'm calling about a reservation tonight.
For two. Crane.
Well, what can I say but I just love your food, Stefano.
I'm in the mood for Italian.
Will you come along, Niles?
NILES: I'd really rather not. I'm feeling queasy standing here.
You can hardly see the picture from there. Come on.
All right, let's just be quick about this.
-Hello. Do you have a reservation? -Uh, yes, for Crane.
One moment.
You tricked me.
We'll just be here long enough to talk to Stefano,
convince him to change it, so it doesn't mock me for the rest of the my life.
He has a violent temper, he's already made me humiliate myself.
I can't believe you're letting a minor childhood trauma like this plague you.
You know, this may be the root of your fear of authority figures.
Listen, a nice relaxing dinner here may go a long way
toward helping you resolve this problem.
-Dottore, how nice to see you. -Ha-ha-ha. Stefano, good to see you.
Who is this gentleman? He looks familiar.
Oh, this is my brother Niles.
Oh, of course. You have the family forehead. Come on.
Follow me. Hey, Antonio, slow down.
[YELLING IN ITALIAN]
What's the matter with you?
Come on. Come on, sit down. We have a nice table.
Oh, thank you.
Right under your picture. Okay, tonight, no menu.
I'm gonna take care of everything. Except the bill, of course.
Well, there it is.
Frasier Cranium.
Well, it does have a certain under-nuanced, over-contoured,
Macy's Parade kind of quality but…
Even so, you cannot ask him to change it. The man will explode.
Not if I do it with the utmost tact.
-Okay, here we are. Antipasto. -FRASIER, NILES: Oh!
That's wonderful, Stefano.
You certainly do have a way of making people feel comfortable.
I suspect that it would actually physically pain you
to think that someone wasn't totally pleased.
-What's wrong? -NILES: Mm-mm.
Well, actually, well, there is a tiny, tiny little problem.
It's really about my picture, you see.
There is a small faction that thinks the forehead is too large.
-What, this one? -No, I love it.
As do I. It's just that, well, I feel I might be more recognizable
if the forehead were a tad smaller.
-You don't like it? Not good enough? -Not that. Yes, it is.
-You want me to have it changed? -Could you?
How long is this going to take?
Well, Niles, I was fortunate enough that the artist is actually here tonight.
I'm not gonna rush him. Better finish your lasagna.
-You don't want to offend Stefano. -Offend him?
So far tonight, I have had the prosciutto di Parma,
the pesto Genovese, and the Venetian sea bass.
One more bite will conclude our tour of Italy with my impression of Pompeii.
Hey, hey, look who it is.
They'll let anyone in this joint.
Hello, Kenny.
So, what are you celebrating? Not your ratings, huh?
I'm kidding.
-You gotta kid. -Yes.
If you don't laugh, you cry, right?
So did I hear a rumor you're going up on the wall of fame?
Oh, yes, they're putting the finishing touches on right on.
Isn't that something?
Hey, hey, you better save some room.
Stefano goes crazy if you pass on his dessert.
My mother found that out the hard way on her 80th birthday.
He went off on her.
Called her a skoonja-boon ja or something.
The kids had it memorized for a while.
Well, enjoy.
Okay, Dr. Crane. Hot off the easel.
Is this one more to your liking?
-Oh, my. -It's better?
Well, it's like looking in a mirror.
STEFANO: Hey, that's what I wanna hear.
You know, this is the first time that anybody has ever asked for a change.
Oh, beautiful. You make me so happy.
I'm gonna see how the steaks are coming.
FRASIER: Thank you.
Frasier, I hate to burst your bubble
but that picture looks absolutely nothing like you.
Well, well, I was wondering when Mr. Envy would pull up a chair.
Kenny, Kenny, if I may, could I direct your attention to this caricature?
-Wow, look at that. I am impressed. -I thought you might be.
James Garner eats here?
James Garner?
Well, I guess I can go sit down now.
My father-in-law just picked up the check.
I don't believe this.
I've waited my entire life to have my picture up.
Now that it is, it's unrecognizable.
Well, not for long.
No, Frasier, you are not going to ask him to change it again.
If this means so much to you, my girlfriend's a plastic surgeon.
She can have you looking like this picture in six procedures or less.
All right, here we are, boys, here we are.
[STEFANO SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
-NILES: Ohh… -FRASIER: Whoa.
NILES: Thank you. Grazie.
You know, there's been something that's been bugging me all night.
-Hey, shove over, will you? -Oh, uh, yes.
I know you from someplace, and I can't figure out where
and it's driving me pazzo.
So we gotta figure this out together, okay? You and me, all right?
You know, while you two are strolling down memory lane,
I have a quick errand I have to run.
-I tell you, save some dessert for me. -NILES: Frasier, Frasier.
Oh, Roz.
-Frasier. I knew you'd show up. -Yes, well, of course I did.
You knew how much it would mean to me and Alice.
Oh, gosh, am I that transparent?
Come on in. Come on. Everybody, this is Frasier.
Hello, hello, hi.
Can I get you something? Jell-O, Lunchables, a Pokémon punch?
-You have any coffee made? -No.
FRASIER: That's perfect.
I mean, while you're making coffee, it'll give me quality time with Alice.
[FRASIER CHUCKLING]
-Hey, no cuts. -No, I need a picture right away.
-I'll tell. -You know who this is?
This is the birthday girl.
If she wants a picture right away, she's gonna get one.
Now, why don't you run along?
All right, I think you're finished. There we are.
But I don't have any eyes.
Yes, well, neither did Little Orphan Annie
and she's got her own Broadway show. Go on.
Okay, fine. I'm looking for something manly,
go easy on the forehead, and leave the kid out.
Oh, Niles.
Where the hell have you been?
Stefano's been trying to place me for the last 40 minutes.
Was I ever in Panama? Did I sell him his first Lincoln?
Do I have a box at the dog track?
Why don't you say yes and let that be the end of it?
Well, that's a good idea.
-What's that? -I went by Alice's birthday party.
I had the artist there draw me some new sketches.
Here, what do you think?
[NILES GASPS]
-I think you're insane. -No, Niles, it's not so crazy.
Really, just imagine.
Suppose that picture there should accidentally drop to the floor and tear?
You see, I could come back here tomorrow,
tell Stefano that I didn't want to put his artist to any trouble
and I had a new caricature done myself.
You see, I'm actually partial to this one here.
But there is one in here of me playing soccer which is very good.
Frasier, we'll put these away
and we'll pay the bill and we'll find a bed to strap you into.
No, no, no, this can work. It really can. I promise you.
-It's not gonna work. -It can work.
What is this? The pictures?
It's nothing. It's no business of yours. Off you go.
Stefano? Stefano.
Mama, what is it? What?
[MAMA SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
Dr. Crane, what is this?
Oh, all right.
I may as well just tell you the truth.
The fact is I don't really care for this picture either.
It's just that I'm afraid your artist has lost his touch.
To be honest, I think he's robbing you blind.
I mean, my God, how much is this hack charging you?
[MAMA CRYING]
Mama's the hack, isn't she?
That's right.
-Son of a gun, get out of here. -But…
And don't ever come back.
[YELLING IN ITALIAN]
You, hold on one second. Now I remember you.
Ohh.
Bridgeport, Connecticut.
-Yes, yes, yes. -Right?
My car got stuck in the rain and you saved my ass.
Yes, well, it was nothing. Glad you remember.
Let me show you how we thank you where I come from.
NILES: Oh.
Well, suffice it to say that
the entire Crane family is now banned from Stefano's.
Just because of that dumb picture?
No, no, actually, there was a little incident involving Niles too.
He was doing just fine until Stefano took him in some sort of a bear hug
and shook him a little too vigorously.
On the shoes again?
No, this time there was a conveniently placed lobster tank.
Poor Niles.
It wasn't any picnic for the lobsters either.
What the hell is wrong with me, Dad? You know,
I became so obsessed with that damn picture I completely lost my head.
Well, I think I know what's really going on here.
-Really? Well, enlighten us. -Yeah.
Well, I think there's some stuff in your life that you can't control.
You doctor tells you you're getting old. Your ratings are low.
You're not happy with your love life.
And so I think you obsessed about this picture
because you figured it was something in your life that you could control.
Well, Dad, you do raise a point.
Oh, what the hell, you're dead on.
Where'd you learn so much about psychology?
Oh, I listen to radio.
It's so obvious, isn't it? When a person is confronted
with some deeply troubling issue that they're not ready to face yet,
they usually avoid the problem by obsessing about something else.
Something completely trivial.
-Got it. -Got what?
Dr. Crane's oat bran.
God, you left for that eight hours ago.
Well, it wasn't easy. They were out of it at the regular market.
So I went to another one, but they were out of it.
So I looked into it, and it turns out they don't sell it in Washington anymore.
Well, for some reason,
I just couldn't let it go, so I went for a little drive.
It wouldn't kill you to do something like that once in a while.
Get off that big round duff of yours.
Anyway, hop, skip and a jump later, here it is.
Fresh from Portland.
Well, off to bed. Good night.
What the hell was that?
I don't know. What did she mean about that big, round duff comment?
Oh, Dad.
You know, the sands of time don't exactly flow up the hourglass.
I mean, it's not easy for a guy our age.
Dad, for the last time, we are not the same age.
I mean, I've seen your hips start to spread.
Oh, for Pete's sake, my hips have nothing to do with this.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]