-Frasier, thank God you're here. -Why, what's wrong, Roz?
My book club meets tonight, and I haven't read the book.
Oh, my. That is a literary 911.
Wait, you joined a book club?
Why is that so hard to believe? I like to read.
-What's his name? -Jason.
Uh-huh.
We met at a bookstore, and he asked me to join his club.
He's separated, but I think it's for keeps.
He was buying Divorce for Dummies.
Sounds like a real catch, Roz.
Anyway, I was supposed to read The Great Gatsby last night,
but I couldn't get Alice to sleep.
-Could you give me a quick summary? -Well, all right.
It was a time known as the Jazz Age.
Wall Street was booming. Bootleg hooch was flowing.
And the young people were doing a new dance called the Charleston.
Where were you when I was trying to get Alice to sleep? Just get to it.
Well, all right, fine.
Lorna Lynley.
Okay, who's she? Gatsby's girlfriend?
The woman who just walked in.
She was the great beauty of my high school.
She had brains, looks, style.
And the way she filled out a mohair sweater… Suffice it to say,
it was snugger on her than on the goat.
-Why don't you go over and say hello? -She wouldn't even remember me.
She was with the "in" crowd.
The people who knew me debated, recited,
or were on a six-month visit from Abu Dhabi.
Oh, God, she's coming over. She's coming over. She's coming over.
Excuse me.
Didn't we go to high school together?
Did we?
Yes, I thought you looked familiar.
-You're Frasier, aren't you? -Well, that's right.
All right. Let me guess.
-Lisa? -Lorna.
Oh, yes, of course. Lorna. Hello.
Roz, I'd like you to meet Lorna Anne Lynley.
Was that anywhere close?
Oh, very good.
It's Gardener now.
I'm going back to Lynley. I was recently divorced.
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Roz, our chatting isn't bothering your reading, is it?
Oh, no, actually… Oh, right.
Off I go.
So I'm divorced myself, actually.
Yes, I know that. I listen to your show.
-Really? -I sell real estate.
I'm in my car all the time. So whenever I can, I turn you on.
Oh, my.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
That's me. Excuse me. I have to get that.
No problemo.
[MOUTHS] No problemo?
Roz, she's just as lovely as ever.
So you gonna ask her out?
Oh, right. Legs Lynley and Crane the Brain.
In my dreams.
Frasier, you act like you're still some gawky teenager.
You're a charming, successful man.
-Thank you, Roz. -No problemo.
Excuse me. I have to go show a house.
-It was really nice to see you again. -Oh, likewise.
Lorna, listen, I realize that this is just out of the blue
and that you are very busy, but I was wondering if you might like to…
Yes?
Appraise my apartment.
See, I've decided to sell it.
Sure. Be happy to. In fact, I'm free tonight.
-Really? Well, how's seven o'clock? -LORNA: Great.
The Elliott Bay Towers.
-Oh, wow, what a great building. -Yes, well.
You've done well for yourself.
Well, I think you'll find that we've both come a long way since high school.
Oh, here, let me carry those for you.
Dad, she'll be here any minute.
MARTIN: Okay, okay, I'm leaving.
I'm sorry to uproot you like this. It's just…
Oh, it's all right. I'd rather clear the decks for a date
than for one of your theme parties.
Though I am kind of sorry I missed "An Evening With Moe Howard."
That was Noel Coward.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Oh, hey. -Hey, Dad.
-Oh, Niles. What are you doing here? -Well, I've got a crisis.
Tomorrow's Mel's birthday, and I'm planning an evening.
-But my Gaggenau is on the fritz. -I don't need to hear this.
-It's a stove. -I know, six burners and a griddle.
Don't you guys ever talk about cars?
I'm desperate. Can I use your kitchen tomorrow to prepare the meal?
Yes, of course, Niles. Now you've got to go.
I have a date.
Oh? Anyone I know?
As a matter of fact, yes. Lorna Lynley.
-Oh! No, really, who? -No.
It's true. I bumped into her today at the café.
Lorna Lynley? You, sir, have moxie.
Why, even with all my vested authority as hall monitor,
I could never muster the courage to ask to see her bathroom pass,
-and you asked her out? Whoa. -Well…
I bow down before you. I doff my cap to you.
-Actually, it's not really a date. -I knew it.
She's coming to appraise the apartment.
She's in real estate, and I tried to ask her out and I choked.
I did get the impression that she was interested in me, though.
Of course she is. The coach called.
You're starting in the big game on Sunday.
That's very funny. All right, off you go.
-No, I want to see Lorna. -No, no, Niles. You have to go.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-She's here. Okay, okay. -That's her. Okay.
You get one quick hello, and then you're gone, mister.
-Hello, Frasier. -Lorna.
Good to see you again. Perhaps you remember my brother, Niles.
Yes. Hello, Niles.
[GIGGLES]
You two have had a chance to catch up.
-See you later. -Nice to see you again.
Oh, Frasier, wow.
-What a great apartment. -Thank you.
Why are you selling it?
Oh, I don't want to bore you with the details.
It's a very long, very complicated story.
Oh, I'd love to hear it.
Well
I need more closet space.
-Could I interest you in some wine? -Oh, I would love some.
Do you remember Chip Clayton's graduation party?
Remember we broke into his father's liquor cabinet
and made sangria out of a $100 bottle of wine?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
No.
You know what? I should make some notes on your apartment.
FRASIER: What are you doing?
Tell her why you really asked her over and drop this ridiculous charade.
You're not 16 years old any longer.
Frasier, I'd love to see your bedroom.
Of course.
Lorna Lynley wants to see my bedroom.
-Frasier, wow, another great room. -Thank you.
Is this bed Scandinavian?
You have a good eye.
Lorna Lynley's on my bed.
Stop acting like an adolescent.
Frasier, are you all right?
No. No, actually, Lorna, I'm not all right.
You see, when I saw you this afternoon, I immediately flashed back
to the hopeless crush I had on you in high school.
Of course, it didn't help matters much that you've hardly changed a bit.
And I wanted to ask you out, and I lost my nerve.
You mean all of this was just a ruse to get me up here?
I'm afraid so.
So now that I've sufficiently embarrassed myself, I'll show you out.
You know, Frasier, I have to say I'm really very flattered.
-Really? -Yes.
You know, it's not too late to ask me out.
Would you like to have dinner with me?
I'd love to.
Wonderful.
I'm going out with Lorna Lynley.
Hi.
-I had a wonderful time last night. -Me too.
It was like being back in high school, but with sex.
[LORNA LAUGHS]
I don't want this to end.
Now that I've learned to finally ask you out,
I'll be doing a lot more of it.
Are you free this evening?
See, there I go already.
How about tomorrow night?
Somebody stop me.
Not me.
I wonder what time it is.
Oh.
-It's ten o'clock. -Oh, crap. I'm late.
Is there something I can do?
Oh, yeah, make this lousy hangover go away.
Where the hell are those aspirin?
Perhaps I should get you a glass of water for those.
Would you prefer sparkling or still?
Or not. I see you're fine.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want to finish this?
No, no, you're the guest.
Oh. Yeah, it's me.
I'm running late. Move my 10:30 to 11:30.
Just move it to 11:30.
I didn't realize you smoked.
Oh, yeah, I'm always trying to quit, but my weight just balloons up.
I mean, trust me, you don't wanna see my ass when I'm off these things.
You know, I hate to be a fusspot, but I'd prefer…
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Yeah?
Well, who let the dog in?
Put your brother on. Put your brother on.
Put your brother on!
Oh, will you be a sweetie and make me some coffee?
Okay.
Well, that mess better be cleaned up by the time I get home.
Both of you.
Put your brother on. Put your brother on.
Put your brother on the phone!
Oh, this is nice.
I still don't understand why you have to do all the cooking.
Why not just take Mel out for a nice meal?
Oh, well, because through cooking I can truly express my feelings for her.
The French have a saying…
Okay, okay, I was just making conversation until we got home.
FRASIER: Oh, hi, Dad.
-NILES: Frasier. -Niles.
I could really use some help preparing this dish, if you're not busy.
Oh, gosh, Niles, I've got a lot of errands to run.
You know, why don't you ask Daphne?
Oh, all right. Oh, oh, oh, how'd things go with Lorna?
Did you summon up the courage to ask her out?
-Well, actually… -Oh, come on, Frasier,
seize the moment. "Faint heart never won fair lady."
You know, the French have a saying…
Morning, Niles.
Walk me out.
I have some really great news.
Really? Do tell.
Well, I called my office, and after my 11:30,
I'm free for the rest of the day.
Well, what are you planning on doing?
On being with you, silly.
-Excuse me. -I'm coming.
You know, you are the best thing that's happened to me in a long time.
I'm in. You happy?
Whisk.
Spoon.
Cheesecloth.
[BELL DINGS]
Perfect timing.
Daphne, open the oven.
Ah.
-Ready. -Shall I close, Dr. Crane?
Please.
Do you think it'll be all right?
It's out of our hands now, Daphne.
Ow.
-Thank you for your help. -Oh, my pleasure.
I haven't had this much fun
since your brother caught his tie in the pasta machine.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, the real fun's just beginning. Cleanup.
-Ow! -Oh. Oh, oh, you silly sod.
Here, run it under some cold water. I'll fetch the aloe cream.
Oh, come here.
Oh. This'll help.
-I can't believe I just did that. -I do that sort of thing all the time.
You have to be careful.
Those pan handles get awfully hot.
Oh, well, not anymore. It's got a protective coating of skin on it.
Just give it a minute to absorb.
Oh, it'll be fine.
It's feeling better already.
Thanks, Daphne.
-MARTIN: Hey, what's up? -Nothing.
Why should anything be up?
Dr. Crane burned his hand, and I was tending to it, that's all.
Oh, my, look at the time. I've got to run.
Burn, huh?
Well, you might want to keep something cold on that.
Here, you can hold my beer for me while I watch the game.
-Hello, Frasier. -Oh, hello, Niles.
-How are you? -Fine, fine.
You know, the oddest thing just happened.
Oh, the man on the corner's name is Pete.
If you give him a dollar, his monkey won't make those rude gestures.
No, this is about Daphne.
I burned my hand while I was cooking,
and she began putting first-aid cream on it in a very tender way.
And then, Dad came in, and she jumped as if she felt guilty.
Is it possible Daphne has feelings for me?
No.
Oh, well, as long as you've considered it from all angles.
She was tender because you burned your hand,
she jumped because Dad startled her.
Niles, don't you see what's going on here?
Obviously I haven't a clue.
I thought that man's monkey was waving hello.
Your relationship with Mel is growing deeper.
Isn't it possible that your fear of commitment is driving your mind
to throw up these imaginary roadblocks?
-You think so? -You have a history of this.
Remember the day after you proposed to Maris,
you went that evening to the opera.
You were convinced Leontyne Price was winking at you the whole night.
There could be commitment issues here.
Cooking a meal for one's mate is a big first step.
Yes, especially for you.
-Maris never let you cook for her. -Oh, that's true.
The closest I ever got was restocking the pills in her bedside lazy Susan.
-Hey, guys. -Oh, hey, Roz.
Oh, Frasier.
-Thank you. It was a big help. -My pleasure, Niles.
Bye.
Oh, Roz, I see the book club has moved on to Wuthering Heights. Well.
Oh, please tell me they made a movie out of this.
-Twice. -Amen.
So how did your date with Lorna go?
Did you get up enough nerve to ask her to dinner?
To dinner and breakfast.
We spent the night together.
Whoa. You went to bed with the prom queen?
Yes. And I woke up with Carrie.
She smokes, she screams, she's uncouth.
I'm meeting her here to break it off.
-So soon? -Well…
The way your love life's been going,
you may wanna squeeze a couple more dates out of it.
You know, nuts for the winter.
Please, Roz, I could never do that.
When I know I have no future with a woman, I end it.
Right then and there.
Especially a woman like Lorna, recently divorced and vulnerable.
You always take the high road.
Well, you know, I'd like to think so.
If there's one thing I've learned, my old high school wounds
are not going to be healed by sleeping with the prom queen.
Tell me about it.
Prom queen, assistant principal, you can't go home again.
Good luck.
How you doing, baby cakes?
Thank you.
Listen, Lorna, about tomorrow night.
Oh, I'm sorry. I know we had plans, but I completely forgot.
It's the retirement dinner for Coach Pellet.
-Who? -Our high school football coach.
-I'd love it if you'd go with me. -I have to be honest with you here.
Oh, come on, it'll be fun. The old gang will be there.
The old gang, you say?
You mean like Chip Clayton
-and Ladd Lundquist? -Yeah, the whole crowd.
Can you imagine the looks on their faces when they see us together?
Yes, imagine.
Oh, come on. Say you'll be my date.
Well,
wouldn't want to let down the coach.
You know, a spoon would be nice.
Everyone's inside already. I think we're a little late.
I guess we'll just have to make a grand entrance. After you.
-No, I have to go check my makeup. -Well, why tamper with perfection?
-Oh, aren't you sweet? -Shall we?
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Sorry.
Hello?
What now?
What?
What? My phone's cutting out. I'm sorry. Just two seconds, sweetie.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING, LAUGHING]
LORNA: No, you can't have a party.
Because I said so.
Look, put your brother on. Put your brother on.
Put your… Just a second, honey… brother on the phone.
You know, do what you want. I'm on a date.
-Sorry. -You ready?
Oh, you know what, this hook keeps coming undone.
-Right. -Do you mind?
You know, I just took a look inside there.
Everybody's here.
Even old "Mr. Most Likely to Succeed" Chip Clayton.
Chip Clayton's a moron.
Well, you used to be rather fond of him back in school.
Well, everybody's changed since high school.
Except you.
Truly, you…
You're still the same sweet, decent guy you always were.
-Thank you. -No, I mean it.
Believe me, I've been with enough jerks and users to know the difference.
Let's go.
Lorna
-I can't go in there with you. -Why not?
Well, because I came here for the wrong reason.
So all the cool kids would see me with the school's most popular girl.
I let you believe that we had hopes for some sort of a future
when I know in my heart that there is none.
If you walked in there with me, it would be as my trophy,
and I just can't do that to you. I'm so sorry.
You expect me to walk into a room full of my ex-classmates by myself?
Like some divorcée who couldn't scare up a date
for some jock's send-off?
-I don't think so. -Lorna, I…
I thought you'd be a nice rebound, get my feet wet dating again.
-You don't want that, fine. -Wait.
I'll tell you what we are gonna do. You're gonna take my arm, escort me.
We're gonna dance, make out like freshmen,
and leave with your hand on my ass. You got it?
Shall we?
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]