[THEME SONG PLAYING]
-Oh, hey, Frasier. -Oh, hello, Roz. Happy New Year.
Or should I say Happy New Millennium?
Oh, barf. I'm so sick of talking about it.
Let's not condemn the new millennium
just because you woke up in it with a hangover.
That's what ruined church for you.
Decaf latte, please.
I hate how this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant.
And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it.
I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey.
I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you
on your first science-related metaphor.
Thank you.
And you? Get all freaky and list the century's greatest thinkers?
No. My New Year's was plenty exciting enough, thank you very much,
although not exactly in a way I'd planned.
Cancel the millennium. Chez Henri has burned down.
-Burned down? -Yes.
Apparently, Henri was caramelizing a huge crème brûlée
in the shape of Puget Sound…
…when a sugar spark ignited a 30-foot papier-mâché Space Needle.
They're already calling it the worst centerpiece disaster
in the history of Seattle.
Henri built his reputation with that caramelizing torch.
My God, the irony of him burning down his own restaurant with it.
It's worthy of O. Henry.
Oh, Henri.
Please, Niles, it's too soon to joke.
What exactly are we going to do tomorrow night?
Every restaurant in town worth going to has been booked for months.
You know, you can join me and the boys at McGinty's.
It's gonna be a lot of fun. They're gonna dye the beer green.
Why would you do that on New Year's Eve?
Oh, well, McGinty's going in for a bypass next month,
and he's afraid he might not make it out for St. Paddy's Day.
This is a disaster.
No, they'll just pop in another pig valve.
You know, the only reason he needs it is because he eats so much bacon,
so the same thing that's killing him is keeping him alive.
There's your O. Henry story.
Well, maybe we can just stay in tomorrow night.
On the most significant New Year's Eve of our lifetime? I think not.
I should have just gone with Mel.
She and her mother are taking a hot-air balloon through the wine country.
Well, not in the balloon, no,
but I could have followed along in the recovery vehicle.
Wait a minute.
Speaking of wine, wasn't the wine club having some sort of a party?
Yes, at Ken Lauterbach's place in Sun Valley. Oh, it's a huge event.
Of course. Auld Lang Wine. Niles, call and see if we're still invited.
All right, I'm on it.
Bloody hell.
Five days after Christmas is over, and I'm still getting these cards.
They do it on purpose, you know.
It's always from someone you forgot, and then it's too late to send one back.
Then they sneer at you for the rest of the year.
"Peace and goodwill," my ass.
You just lost yourself a customer, Dr. Naran S. Gupta, D.D.S.
Losing a set of English teeth. He'll feel that.
-This is for you. From the DMV. -Oh!
I know what this is, the custom plates I ordered for my Winnebago.
Yay!
Well, 50 bucks, but I think it says it all.
Rid.
Wer-er.
Rid worrier?
-Red wearer. -Oh, for God's sake, "Road Warrior."
Of course. For a retired man with a cane and a Winnebago.
I don't know why my mind didn't go straight to it.
Hello, Daphne.
Ken says he'd love to have us come. And the more, the merrier.
Oh, Niles, that's brilliant. Dad, please, please, won't you join us?
Let's call the travel agent.
Not to rain on your parade,
but you may have a tough time getting flights this late.
Donny and I had a devil of a time getting our flights to San Francisco.
Oh, Daphne, they always set aside a few choice seats
for Seattle's travel elite.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
MAN: Pick a lane, Road Warrior!
See? He got it. Hey!
MARTIN: Being on the road like this,
it's like we're three dusty hobos sharing a boxcar to parts unknown.
Yes, well, if you don't take this next turn, we'll end up in Californy.
Gee, Niles, you seem a little cranky.
Well, perhaps that's because I was rousted out of a warm bed
at the crack of dawn and herded onto a Winnebago.
Better safe than sorry, Niles.
You know, it's 650 miles to Sun Valley,
and half of that's through the mountains.
By the way,
how are we going to explain to the wine club our arriving in a Winnebago?
Just chalk it up to whimsy, Niles. We'll call it our "van ordinaire."
Besides, I'm actually enjoying this little trip through the heartland.
I feel a bit out of touch with the common man. It's nice to reconnect.
Well, while you're reconnecting, why don't you let me drive?
I would, Niles, it's just that I need you to navigate.
Yeah, you're the most important member of our crew, good buddy.
The man with the map.
Stop patronizing me. I wanna drive.
You're not good with big cars, Niles. Remember my LeSabre?
You kept panicking and pulling on the emergency brake.
Well, it's a good thing I did.
Those mailboxes weren't even slowing me down.
Oh, did you see that sign? Little Red Cabin. You remember those diners?
Home of the Logroller. A flank steak wrapped around
a combination of eggs, cheese and onions.
You kids used to love eating there.
You'd scream out at me, "Dad, pull over. Quick, pull over."
Actually, Dad, that was after we ate.
[HUMMING TO CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
Oh, Niles.
Thought you were sleeping.
[MARTIN LAUGHING LOUDLY]
I was trying to, but Dad wanted to watch the VCR.
Oh, good Lord, not Robin and the 7 Hoods again.
[MARTIN CONTINUES LAUGHING]
Worse.
Yeah, baby. Now, that was a shagadelic flick.
[LAUGHING]
You know, Dad, if you're quite done, I think I'll try to take a nap.
Oh, behave. [LAUGHING]
You know, Dad,
you do realize that the Austin Powers craze is completely over?
Well, I'm sorry. Do I bore you? Or do I make you randy?
[LAUGHING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Yes, Niles?
I'm driving as smoothly as I can.
Any other little driving tips you'd like to give me?
Why don't you just come up here and tell me to my face?
Hey, look, another Little Red Cabin sign.
We're not gonna find anything better to eat on this highway.
Oh, let's not be hasty, Dad.
It's five miles away. We might run over something before then.
You know, I am so tired, I can barely read this menu.
That's all right, you don't have to read.
You can just point to a picture of the food you want.
What's this? "A Logroller with your choice of cheese"?
You can't have a Logroller without American cheese.
You can't get anything in this restaurant
without American cheese, including the menu.
Niles, if you're so tired,
why don't you go back to the Road Warrior, take a nap?
Oh, you know, that's a good idea. At least it'll be quiet.
I wonder if you can still get Sticky Shingles here.
One look at the salad bar says, "Yes."
What looks good to you, Fras?
Well, actually, Dad, you know, I think I'll have a hamburger.
-Would you order that for me, Dad? -Yeah. You going someplace?
As a matter of fact, I am.
I'm gonna take a chance and reacquaint myself
with an old friend of mine,
America.
Hello there.
Could I buy you a cup of coffee?
See, I'm just a wandering city mouse
trying to get in touch with America.
-Now, you look like you'd be a farmer. -Oh, I get it.
You see a guy in a rural diner wearing shabby clothes
and you pin your little label on him.
Well, guess what. I am a farmer.
But I'm also a beautiful, flawed, complicated human being.
And it's gonna take more than a cup of coffee to get inside here.
I'll just go see how my father's doing.
So how was he?
Beautiful. Flawed. Unpleasant.
Well, according to the map, it's about 300 miles to Sun Valley.
That's delightful. We'll get there in time for the party.
Your brother's gonna be hungry. We should bring him a sandwich.
I wouldn't worry about Niles.
You saw how tired he was. Let's just let him sleep.
-You sure? -Oh, sure.
It's the most exciting day of the year, Dad.
For God's sakes, you know, when Niles wakes up,
I guarantee you, the last thing he'll be thinking about is sandwiches.
BETTY: Oh, my goodness.
Look what I just found in my pocket.
The lighter I borrowed from that waitress in the restaurant.
I feel terrible.
Forget it, Mother. We're not taking it back.
BETTY: Well, I really think we should just turn around
and say we're sorry and return it.
CLIFFORD: I think we ought to keep it. Our old one's nearly out of fuel anyway.
BETTY: That doesn't make it right. We're criminals in the eyes of the law.
CLIFFORD: There's a lot worse criminals than you and me.
Remember that last gun show we went to?
We must have seen at least three different people
swiping boxes of shells.
One thing you can say for us, we pay for our ammo.
So this party tonight, gonna be a lot of shagnificent birds?
[CHUCKLES]
Dad, I'm begging you.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Niles, will you please stop doing this?
I'm getting a little drowsy.
BETTY: Well, if you're so tired, just scooch over. I'll take the wheel.
CLIFFORD: Okay, then.
Yes, yes, hello. I'm being kidnapped. This is an emergency.
I'm being kidnapped. I'm in a stolen Winnebago heading east on I-84.
I can't talk any louder, I'm being stolen.
Yes, Washington plates,
R-D-W-R-E-R. Road Warrior.
Yes, it does.
It does so. Sound it out.
Never mind. Oh, for God's sake, just save me.
CLIFFORD: I'm getting too sleepy. I'm going back for a little lie-down.
All right.
BETTY: Oh, wait, Dad. Look, there's another one of those Little Red Cabins.
Why don't we stop and have some supper first?
Because I'm tired and I'm not hungry.
Clifford.
Well, I guess a sandwich wouldn't kill me.
BETTY: I feel sort of funny even stopping here.
It's a little like returning to the scene of the crime.
Mother, let it go.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[ENGINE STARTS]
All right, Eddie, let's go sign nature's guest book.
[PHONE RINGING]
-Hello? -NILES: Frasier?
-Yes? -Niles.
Put your fears to rest. I've got Dad's Winnebago back.
Niles, what on earth are you talking about?
You must have had a nightmare.
Indeed I have.
But it's over now. I managed to give the thugs
a taste of their own thieving medicine.
[GASPS] Niles!
Niles, where are you calling from?
From behind the wheel of the Road Warrior.
And doing a damn fine job driving, I might add.
But I'm in the Road Warrior.
You got in the wrong car, you idiot. You've stolen a Winnebago.
Don't be absurd.
Uh…
Oh, my God.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
All right, Niles, just keep your head. There's no need to panic.
OFFICER [OVER BULLHORN]: This is the police.
Exit your vehicle immediately with your hands above your head.
How's that turkey club, Dad?
A little dry.
Sorry about the misunderstanding.
These papers all checked out, sir.
Well, if there's nothing else, we're in a hurry.
But not too much of a hurry.
-Well, drive safely. -Thank you.
What a clown. I could tell you ten things he did wrong right off the bat.
Well, at least he was apologetic.
These hick towns give any bozo a badge.
A goober like that wouldn't last ten minutes in a real police force.
Without getting a promotion.
Your license.
[PHONE RINGING]
-Hello? -Hello, Frasier.
I've managed to solve the problem. I returned the Winnebago.
To where? Where are you?
Well, I'm in Baker City, Oregon.
-Baker City? -Shag me rotten. That's 300 miles.
Niles, we will never get there and then back to Sun Valley before midnight.
Well, I'm not going to ring in the New Year in a Little Red Cabin.
All right, all right, listen.
The only way we can pull this off is if you can catch a ride in this direction.
Hold on. Hold on.
Oh, my gosh, it's engraved.
Dad, I'm not going to enjoy the rest of this trip
until we return that woman's lighter.
Mother, do you expect me to turn around
and drive 150 miles back to that Little Red Cabin?
We are not going. End of discussion.
Clifford.
Good news. I'm on my way.
He can make it back to the restaurant where we first got separated.
All I have to do now is turn this boat around.
-Thirty miles to the next exit. -I can't wait that long.
You can't do a U-ey on an interstate.
That's 20th-century talk, Dad. Welcome to the future.
[TIRES SCREECH]
God, that felt great. Wow, this is really quite an adventure, isn't it, Dad?
[POLICE SIREN WAILING]
MARTIN: It is now.
Oh, dear God.
All right, just relax, Frasier.
I know cops. Just let me do the talking, we'll be out of here in two minutes.
All right, Dad, let's switch.
Well, look who's here.
You boys know what you did wrong back there?
-Yeah, yeah, I know, a U-turn. -Nope. Called me a goober.
-Niles, I'm so sorry we're late. -Oh, well, not to worry.
When you're here at the crossroads of the world,
you have the human drama to amuse you.
-Well, Happy New Year, boys. -Oh, yes, five minutes ago.
Everyone will have a wonderful story to tell about where they were
and what they were doing when the millennium dawned.
What is our story?
Speeding along a lonely highway. And you here, doing nothing.
Well, not exactly nothing.
Big Sandy let me watch the register while she emptied the rat traps.
Hey, wait a minute. Where are we?
I've never seen a picture of the official middle of nowhere, but…
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the middle of nowhere, Mountain Time, right?
It's still only 11:05, Pacific Time.
Can't be more than 45 minutes from here.
We can toast in the New Year together.
Dad, that's brilliant.
There was a delightful restaurant just across the border.
MARTIN: The guidebook said it's pretentious.
FRASIER: Perfect. Let's roll.
We're running out of time.
Well, I'm doing my best, Fras, but we seem to be losing power.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
What is that noise? What's wrong with the engine?
I didn't touch the emergency brake.
When was the last time you put gas in?
Me? I don't even know where the thing is to put the gas into.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry, boys, it's dying. I'm gonna be lucky to get this off the road.
I can't stand this.
Have we so offended the millennium gods
that they will do anything to ruin this evening?
Burn down our restaurant?
Hurl vindictive lawmen
and duplicate Winnebagos in our path to confound us?
Wait, is that a sign?
Of course it's a sign, a sign that we're cursed.
No, no, no, it is. It's a sign. We're entering Pacific Time Zone.
-We're here! -We made it. We made it.
Come on, Eddie. Oh, 30 seconds to spare.
All right.
We're rolling. We're rolling backwards.
-Oh, no. -No need to panic, Frasier.
[HAND BRAKE ENGAGES]
[LAUGHS]
-We rolled back into Idaho. -Follow me!
Ten seconds. Let's look alive.
-Damn this foil. -You can do it, Fras. Relax and focus.
Three, two, one.
[POPS]
-We made it. Happy New Year. -Happy New Year.
There we are.
Well, if you ask me, this beats a dull party.
-Yeah. -Family and good champagne
and a blanket of stars.
Hear, hear.
You know what? I think this calls for a song.
♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And never brought to mind? ♪
♪ Should… ♪
[COYOTE HOWLING]
♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ For auld Lang syne? ♪
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night, Seattle, we love you!