[THEME SONG PLAYING]
MARTIN [OVER WALKIE-TALKIE]: Happy birthday, Frasier.
Why, Eddie, you can talk.
I've always been able to talk.
I just save it for special occasions like somebody's birthday.
Yes, yes, Eddie, thank you very much.
But, listen, I'd like to talk about Dad. I think his mind may be slipping.
Don't say stuff like that to him. He's a dog, he might not know you're joking.
Why, Dad, I didn't even know you were here.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Just give me a couple more minutes, I'll have your birthday breakfast ready.
Come on, Eddie.
[OVER WALKIE-TALKIE] Right behind you.
-Oh, well, that's very nice, Dad. -Yes.
Oh, and look what I got. A newspaper from the day you were born.
I keep telling you to clean out that closet of yours.
-I ordered it. -Yes, well, let's just
see what other wonders occurred on that day.
"Suspected Pinko Ousted From Crossing Guard Post."
What a jolly world I was born into.
Now, I know tonight's your party, but here.
-Happy birthday. Make a wish. -Oh, Dad.
Thank you.
What's the matter?
-My back. -Oh.
-It's completely seized up. -Oh, okay.
Well, come on, now, just take it easy. There you go. There you go.
Oh, my God. It's been a little tender lately.
I went to see the doctor, he told me there was absolutely nothing wrong.
Doctors never tell you anything. They're just overpaid quacks.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't mean you. I mean, I'm talking about real doctors.
How could this be happening to me?
I'm always so conscientious about back safety.
The other day, I needed that heavy stack of books from the storage room.
I insisted that Daphne make three trips.
Well, you know what, I got that old girdle in my bedroom. Let me go get it.
Dad, please, I'm not gonna wear anything called a girdle.
Well, what if I called it a back brace?
Get it.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Daphne?
[RINGING CONTINUES]
Good God.
Coming.
Oh!
This wouldn't be taking me so long
if my housekeeper were here.
I'm a physical therapist.
Well, perhaps you could get me into a chair.
-Is your back bothering you again? -Thank you. Thank you, dear.
Oh, I'm sorry I made you get up. I forgot my key.
Perhaps you should get a spare set made just to keep at Donny's.
For God's sake, you're practically living there as it is.
Oh, now, Dr. Crane, you better get used to it.
Once I'm married, I will be living there.
I know what'll help that back. A nice massage.
-There you go. -Oh, the girdle. That'll help.
It'll be kind of hard to put on by yourself,
but if Daphne holds one end and I hold the other, you can spin into it.
Please, Dad, this is humiliating enough as it is.
What's humiliating about it? You just hook it in the back like a bra.
Just give me that.
Mr. Crane, does it bother you when I stay over at Donny's?
No.
-Well, it seems to bother Dr. Crane. -He's just cranky because of his back.
Good Lord. Queen Elizabeth had another baby.
You know, I don't care what science can do, it's just not right.
Oh, that'll be just fine right there.
Be sure to thank the gang for the flowers, Connie.
You're welcome, Dr. Crane. Happy birthday.
Birthday?
Happy birthday, Frasier.
Thank you, Roz.
It's not off to the best start, though. My back is out.
Why don't you go home? We'll air "The Best of Crane."
-I'll drop your gift by later. -No, no, Roz.
I couldn't do that. I promised my listeners
that I'd read a birthday address.
Well, uh, people might have forgotten.
People do have busy lives, you know.
No, Roz, I announced it twice.
Anyone paying even the slightest attention would know.
Say, what are you doing over there?
Just wondering when to surprise you with your present.
-Oh, Roz. -Guess now is as good a time as any.
You know, we keep promising each other we're not gonna do this.
We've got to stop spoiling one another.
Well, what am I supposed to do, just forget your birthday?
Oh, good Lord, Roz. I read the most wonderful review of this recently.
Well, I hope you like it.
-Oh, look, you've inscribed it. -I did?
"You'll always be my baby."
I must have had a glass of wine when I wrote that.
"Love, Mom."
Well, there's our bent and broken birthday boy.
I brought you a little gift.
Say hello to sweet salvation, the Lumbar Log.
Oh, thank you, Niles. Yes, in here.
I think the whole thing is probably stress-related.
Well, that's very possible. You know, birthdays can be anxiety-provoking.
-Especially for people of a certain age. -What…
I am not of a certain age, Niles.
I'm in the middle of "not a kid anymore."
I won't be "of a certain age" for ten years.
If your back pain is stress-related,
I read a magazine article with an exercise that might help.
Just go someplace where nobody can hear you and list things that bug you.
And in what esteemed medical journal did you find this little titbit? Cosmo?
No, Glamour.
Oh, that's priceless.
"I can't find the right shade of lipstick.
I look terrible in a bikini. He can't find my G-spot."
I said, do it someplace private.
-You know, it couldn't hurt, Frasier. -Oh, Niles, it's absurd.
Hmm. The more you resist,
the more I'm wondering if there's something you're trying to avoid.
Thanks for backing me up, Niles.
You know, the same article said if you rub a raw potato…
If we're going to sell him on this, you should drop out now.
No one is gonna sell me on anything.
That exercise only helps people that lack self-awareness. I, for one, am…
God Almighty.
Well, no wonder you're stressed. You've got a whole universe to run.
-Thirty seconds, Frasier. -All right, I'm off.
-You take care of yourself. I'll see you. -All right.
Are you sure you're up to this?
Oh, I'll be fine, Roz. I'm not as delicate as all that.
-How'd you do it, anyway? -Blowing out a cupcake.
You know, Frasier, we can always put in a "Best of Crane."
No, no, Roz, now, just have a little bit of faith in me.
I'm a lot tougher than that.
I'll tell you what, if I feel like I need help toward the end of the show,
I'll give you a little signal, all right?
All right. Five seconds.
Gosh, you know, these flowers really are beautiful.
Good afternoon, Seattle.
[SNEEZING, GROANING]
[DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS]
Hello? Anyone here?
-I guess they're all out. -Okay, well, let's just get you settled.
Niles, Niles, slow down.
For God's sakes, we're not running a three-legged race.
-Oh, oh, oh! -Oh, oh, ow!
Oh, do you have somewhere to be?
Since you bring it up, I do actually have a luncheon with my new lady love.
Oh, well, gosh, I'd hate to let my pain stand in the way of that.
How'd that orthopedist of yours tell me there was nothing wrong?
I looked at the X-rays myself. This is not a skeletal problem.
There, now, you're all fine, and I'm sure Dad will be by soon.
No, wait.
This couch has absolutely no support.
Let's try the chair over there. Please?
All right.
You're not heavy, you're my brother.
[GROANING]
How could you even take me to that unprofessional hack?
All he did was give me a bottle full of horse tranquilizers.
Didn't care about getting to the root of the problem, he wanted to shut me up.
I think it might be time for one of those pills.
All comfy?
Niles, this won't do. It's even harder than a seat on a public bus.
Oh, when were you ever on a bus?
At a cocktail party once for the Friends of Transit.
I wasn't invited to that.
Will you just help me up, for God's sake?
All right, all right, all right, hold on. Okay?
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Oh, God, you know, maybe I should take another one of those pills.
-I'll get you a glass of water. Okay? -All right.
You know, things really are going well with Mel.
I've been out with her almost every night.
I don't wanna jinx things, but I daresay we're well on our way
to becoming what might almost pass for an item.
[GROANS]
I knew it, Frasier, she is just the…
Oh, my God. Did you fall?
No, no, I'm actually quite comfortable, Niles.
Look, there's no glare on the television.
And here's a lovely place to set your drink.
Give me your hand. Whatever the chair is telling you, don't listen.
No, Niles, no. It's helping my back, actually.
You know, and when you sit in it, you don't have to look at it.
If you're interested in correcting this problem, not just medicating it,
consider that technique Roz mentioned.
-Listing your problems aloud. -Oh, give me a break.
Well, it's perfectly possible this is connected to some submerged anxiety.
-What's bothering you? -Oh, yes, Niles.
Do you really expect me to sit here alone, prattling on endlessly
about my problems like some sort of a lunatic?
You think I'm gonna do that, you're the one that needs his head examined.
Oh, good God. Oh, Eddie, please, just… Shoo, get off me.
What?
Oh, do you wanna know what's bothering me?
All right, well, here's a start: I'm talking to a dog. That bothers me.
I'm another year older today. I suppose that bothers me.
Though not as much as people seem to think.
I'm still single.
That's a big one.
Not having a woman to share my life with.
The only women in my life are friends.
Roz and Daphne.
Daphne's not even here anymore. She'll be married soon.
That's gonna be tough on Dad.
Who am I kidding? It's gonna be tough on me.
It's been nice having her here.
Even when my love life isn't going so well,
I can always come home to a warm and considerate woman.
You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque with her lately.
I know that once she's gone,
I'll probably be twice as lonely.
Well, it's quite a realization, isn't it?
I really do love Daphne.
And now I'm about to lose her.
I've got to show her how I feel about her while I still have a chance.
Well, I don't know if it was the therapy or the painkillers,
but I actually feel a bit better. Let's try this.
Ah. [CHUCKLES]
There are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up.
-Dr. Crane, I didn't know you're here. -Daphne.
Can't hear anything in that shower of mine. It's like a soundproof vault.
Daphne, I wanted to apologize for being so short with you this morning.
-It's fine. -No, it's not.
It's never fine.
Come here, please.
Give me a hug.
Oh, Daphne, do you know how much you mean to me?
I'm getting an idea.
Hey, Daph.
What's wrong? You all right?
Well, actually, no.
I overheard something I wasn't supposed to hear.
It's about Dr. Crane.
I overheard him say he's in love with me.
What?
He wants to show me he loves me while he still has the chance.
Oh, jeez, not this.
-You knew about this? -I'm not getting in the middle of this.
-Then it's true. -I kept my mouth shut for six years.
I'm not saying anything now.
Six years? He's felt this way for six years?
You didn't hear that from me.
Daphne, Daphne, I can't lower myself into the tub.
Well, don't look at me.
No, I thought I'd skip the bath and take you up on that massage you offered.
Those expert hands of yours might be just what the doctor ordered.
Let's do it in my bedroom, shall we?
Oh, what kept you?
Here, help me out of this robe, please. I nearly killed myself putting it on.
All right.
Here we go.
Now, remember,
your back's very tender,
so no sudden movements.
[FRASIER MOANS]
[DAPHNE SHUDDERS]
You know, I'm catching a draft in this robe.
-Perhaps I'd better change. -I'll be waiting.
-Hey, Fras. -Yes, Dad?
-Did Daphne tell you? -Tell me what?
She found out Niles has a thing for her.
-What? How? -Yes.
Well, she said she overheard him earlier saying how much he loves her.
Oh, dear God. No wonder she's been so distracted.
-What did you say? You confirm it? -Yes, I said I knew about it.
-Oh, Dad. -Well, what else was I gonna say?
I told her it was none of my business and I took off out of there.
Wait a minute.
How did she even see Niles today?
I don't know, but she said she overheard him saying he loves her
and he wanted to tell her while he still has a chance.
-Oh, no. -What?
I said that.
-Oh, not you now. -No, no, no, Dad. It's not that.
I was just doing a little exercise to try to help my back,
and I was talking out loud about how much I was gonna miss Daphne.
She must have overheard me and misunderstood.
Who were you talking to?
If you must know, I was talking to Eddie.
-Helps, doesn't it? -Oh, stop it.
Thanks to you, Daphne thinks I'm in love with her.
And here I am, asking her for a massage.
How is she expected to interpret that?
Hard to say.
-Oh, boy. Daphne. -Take a deep breath and try to relax.
-Let's both do that, shall we? -Daphne.
Dad told me that you overheard me.
-He did? -Yes.
Well, I certainly picked the wrong person to confide in.
No, no. I'm glad he told me, because the truth is you misunderstood.
You see, when I said how much I cared about you,
I didn't mean it in a romantic sense.
-Then you don't love me? -Oh, no, of course I love you, Daphne.
-But as a friend, that's all. -Oh, oh, thank God.
-Oh, what a relief. -All right.
-I was flattered, but what a relief. -Yes, that's fine, Daphne. Off you go.
All right. Go ahead. Oh.
-Oh, my, my head. -Oh, it must be those pills.
Come on, let me give you that massage while you can still feel it.
-All right. [GRUNTS] -Come on, then.
Oh, dear.
[FRASIER MOANS]
You know, Daph, we really are gonna miss you around here.
Well, it's gonna be hard for me too.
It's something I haven't even wanted to think about, leaving.
I know I grumble a bit, but I do love you and your father.
I'll still come around, though. We'll all see each other.
-You know what? -What's that, Dr. Crane?
Dad's chair.
I'm not taking it with me, if that's where you're headed.
It felt comfortable.
You took quite a few of those pills, didn't you?
You know what's curious, though?
Cats?
Yes.
But I'm talking about our little mix-up.
When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me,"
he said it's been going on for six years now.
What did he mean by that?
Oh, that.
He meant Niles.
-What? -Niles.
He's crazy about you.
Dr. Crane?
Dr. Crane!
MARTIN [OVER WALKIE-TALKIE]: Come on, birthday boy.
Wakey, wakey, time for cakey.
Dear God, has a year passed already?
[BARKS]
Please, the elastic's pinching behind my ears.
-Come on, just for a couple of hours. -But it's pulling my hair.
You don't hear Eddie complaining, do you?
[OVER WALKIE-TALKIE] I love my hat.
You know, I'm this close to breaking that thing into a million pieces.
Well, isn't this festive.
Daphne, by the way, thank you for the massage. I think it did just the trick.
-Any time, Dr. Crane. -Listen, just before I drifted off,
I'm afraid I might have said something I wish I hadn't.
Yes?
It's about Dad's chair.
I mean, it may be comfortable, but I still wanna get it out of here.
-Oh, that. -Right. Why?
I didn't say anything else I shouldn't have said, did I?
Well, um…
-No. No, no. -Oh.
And don't worry, mum's the word.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-I'll get it. -Thank you.
-Straighten things out with Daphne? -Yes, I did.
Boy, that was a close one. I almost blew Niles' secret.
Try to be more discreet.
I can't pull your chestnuts out of the fire every time.
-Good evening, Daphne. -Dr. Crane.
You look different somehow. Have you done something new with your hair?
-Oh. -Oh, that must be it.
-Well, hello. -FRASIER: Niles.
Feeling better?
FRASIER: I'm feeling much better, thank you.
A hat for you, and, oh, that must be for me.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Thank you!