-Hello, Roz. What are you up to? -Hey.
They put in phone jacks so you can go online.
I was just talking to this guy who sounds really great.
[FRASIER SCOFFS]
What? I'm a very busy person. How else am I going to meet people?
It just seems so impersonal, Roz.
My God, whatever happened to human contact?
Engaging people, face to face, eye to eye.
-ROZ: There's your dad. -Don't let him see me.
-ROZ: Hey, Martin. Hi. -Hey, Roz.
-What you been up to? -Oh, just surfing the net.
-Hi, Dad. -I never got into that net stuff.
Really? You really ought to give it a try.
It's a great way to keep in touch with friends and family.
Family? Gosh, you know, that's… Nice to know that some people
still care about their family.
-Dad, please. -Well, I gotta go.
I'm going night fishing with Duke. And Eddie, of course.
You know, I wouldn't leave Eddie. You don't turn your back on your family.
What is that all about?
Oh, our cousin Dodie's wedding was last week.
Oh, excuse me, cousin Dodie's "weddin'."
It was a Western theme.
On the response card it asked for our chili preference: mild or kick-ass. Ugh.
Niles and I told them that we had a conference at the Therapists' Guild.
-There's no Therapists' Guild, is there? -No. Dad found us out.
Wait. Didn't you have a Therapists' Guild conference
on Alice's last birthday?
The point is it struck a nerve with Dad.
Sorry, Roz, it's just that
he thinks we're ashamed of his family.
It's been an issue for years. He hasn't spoken to me for days.
Thank God I don't have to deal with this tonight.
I've already earmarked a fine bottle of Château Beychevelle.
Ah. Hot date?
No, no, Niles is coming over to watch the Antiques Roadshow with me.
-You'll be coming in late tomorrow. -It's our favorite show.
-Party. Whoo! -Oh, all right, stop. That's enough.
I think the Roadshow is from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania tonight.
-Amish country. -Ooh! Quilts.
I'll uncork the wine, Niles. You set out the cheese plate.
-NILES: Dad. -FRASIER: Dad. Uh…
I thought you were going night fishing with Duke.
Ugh. For God's sakes, you can't keep this up forever, Dad.
Well, all right, fine. I hope you don't mind.
Niles and I are watching a television show.
Really? Well, I'm surprised you don't have a conference to go to.
We said we were sorry about Dodie's wedding.
Yes, and we did send her a baby gift.
Well, Duke canceled out on me.
You can have the TV in an hour. I just wanna watch my game show.
-Dad, please, not a game show. -I happen to like it, all right?
People bring in their junk and these experts tell them what it's worth.
Are you talking about the Antiques Roadshow?
Yeah.
Well, that's the program Niles and I are going to watch.
I'll just check outside and see if the world has ended.
If you wanna watch, no one's stopping you.
FRASIER: Oh, wonderful. Ha-ha-ha.
MAN 1 [ON TV]: And you have no idea what this writing desk might be worth?
WOMAN 1: No, my husband bought it at a garage sale.
Oh, that's a lovely piece. I'd say it's Sheridan.
MAN 1: At auction this would bring in more than $8,000.
Whoa! Ka-ching!
WOMAN 1: What about this chair? Is it an original too?
-It certainly looks it. -No, no, they always do this.
Set them up on the first one, then lower the boom on the second.
-That carving looks authentic. -So does the inlay.
-No, no, no. -MAN 1: I'm sorry to say
this chair is a reproduction worth, at best, $150.
WOMAN 1: Oh, what a shame.
Keep watching, boys. You'll get the hang of it.
WOMAN 1: Well, I guess at least we have the desk.
MAN 1: The real clue here is the veneer.
ALL: Veneer.
MAN 2: And now for some information on the beautiful city of Harrisburg.
Mute.
[DOOR OPENS]
-Evening, all. -FRASIER: Oh, hi, Daphne.
Wow, I don't see the three of you watching the same show very often.
What's going on? Pavarotti jumping the Grand Canyon?
It's Antique Roadshow. Oh, what you got in the box?
It's Donny's mother's wedding gown.
He wants me to wear it at our wedding. What if I don't like it?
If you wanna try it on, we'll have a look.
Just go put it on.
Oh, Dad. Dad, turn it up.
WOMAN 2: But the real masterwork is this unique Art Deco headboard.
It features a variety of veneers.
ALL: Veneer.
WOMAN 2: Mahogany veneer.
Veneer.
WOMAN 2: Burled-walnut veneer.
Veneer.
WOMAN 2: And zebrawood veneer.
-NILES: Oh, yeah. -Veneer.
WOMAN 3: And now back to our sponsor…
Oh, God. Next week, we gotta pick a different word.
WOMAN 3: Are they trash or treasure? We'll find out.
Need another bottle of wine.
Yeah, me too. I love these educational shows.
You know, I can't get over Dad.
It seems that this rift between us has been mended.
Can you believe, he used the word "craftsman"
and he meant the architectural style and not the rotary sander.
-That's uncanny. -Well, you heard him.
No, no, not that. You just said "rotary sander."
-Dad, did we miss anything? -No, just some bozo with a credenza
who doesn't know a Biedermeier from an Oscar Mayer.
MAN 3: That's it for this week. See you next time on the Antiques Roadshow.
ANNOUNCER: Next Saturday, the Roadshow will be here in Seattle.
Oh!
ANNOUNCER: Viewers can bring their treasures
to the convention center for appraisal.
-We ought to go. That'd be great. -Sure, Dad.
-It does sound like fun. -MARTIN: Yeah.
I'm gonna go have a little root-around in my closet.
I'll bet I can find a nice little objet d'art they'll be interested in.
It's as if that panhandler I gave money to was a genie, granting all my wishes.
Would you marry me in this?
How much did you give him?
It's attractive, Daphne. It's a bit unorthodox.
Yeah, that's what I think.
Donny? I've just put your mom's wedding dress on.
A miniskirt? It's obscene.
You can see… What? No, I took the green box. Oh.
No problem, then. Bye.
I took the wrong dress.
This is from his mother's third marriage in 1968 in Las Vegas.
Can you believe people actually used to dress like this?
NILES: I wish I had a picture of it for whenever I needed a laugh.
FRASIER: Niles.
MARTIN: This bear clock's been in the family for generations. I can't wait.
Do you think they'll put a dollar figure on it?
That sounds about right.
Very funny.
Your grandpa passed this down to me,
and someday it'll be passed on to you.
Dad, please, I don't even wanna think about that day.
I gotta go see if I can get this baby appraised.
All right.
Oh, I am so sorry,
on the way in I had the most amazing celebrity sighting: Hans Dietrich.
-The love-seat expert. -The very same.
Oh!
He's much smaller in person than on television. He's that big.
-Get out. -Yeah.
Boys, come over here. They wanna put me and the clock on TV.
Good Lord, we can't appear on TV with that hideous thing.
Everyone we know watches this program.
Well, thank God he didn't bring along
that mountain jackrabbit's head with the antelope horns.
Yes, the jackalope. Hmm.
Texas' answer to the minotaur.
So what do you think about it? They said they've never seen anything like it.
Dad, you know, this could go either way.
I know. Don't worry about it.
I'm not gonna act like one of those saps I make fun of.
It doesn't matter if it's worth $2 or $2,000, I'm just gonna say:
-"That's pretty much what I figured." -Tape's rolling.
Oh, okay. Okay, guys, which one of you wants to come and hold it?
No, no, Dad, we wouldn't dream of it.
This is your moment.
STAGE MANAGER: Everybody ready? Action.
So, Martin, what can you tell us about this pewter clock?
Well, it is a clock set in the stomach of what appears to be a bear.
APPRAISER: Actually, it's much more than that.
It's Russian, made in the mid-19th century.
That's pretty much what I figured.
Actually, it's a stunning piece.
It was made by Andrei Kuragin, who worked for tsar Alexander II.
That is pretty much what I figured.
I don't know if you're descended from the Romanovs, Martin,
but all of Kuragin's known bear clocks
were done exclusively for the Romanov family
and are now in the Hermitage Museum in Saint Petersburg.
Martin, you may be surprised to learn that this clock at auction
would easily bring $25,000.
Ka-ching!
What he means is, that's pretty much what we figured.
-FRASIER: After you, Dad. -MARTIN: Thank you.
Gosh, Dad, you know, I've been thinking.
Maybe we ought to find an appropriate place for the clock.
How about right here on this console?
Oh, yes. I get it.
It doesn't look quite so bad to you guys now that you know it's worth 25 grand.
Oh, I could kick myself for not bringing that jackalope.
-Quite an amazing day, eh? -FRASIER: it certainly was.
I've been meaning to ask you about something, actually.
Remember when that appraiser said something
about the bear being from Russia, and Dad being part
-of the Romanov family? -Yeah, yeah, that struck my ear too.
Yes. I don't seriously believe there's any real chance of that.
-No, of course not. It's impossible. -It's a long shot at best.
-Although we do have the bear. -I know.
Oh, Dad, Niles just reminded me of something I had completely forgotten.
When the appraiser mentioned that the bear was from Russia.
Yeah, it probably got passed down through your great-great-grandmother.
She was from Russia.
Aha. And he said something about the Romanov family?
Oh, yeah, that, huh?
-Sure you wanna hear about this? -Yes, Dad.
Well, I guess you would've found out anyway after I died.
We're royalty.
But I didn't want you to grow up spoiled,
so I abdicated and took a job in Seattle on the police force.
It was kind of hard giving up that royal way of life,
but I think maybe it's the swans that I miss most.
FRASIER: Very funny, Dad. Point taken.
-Sherry, Niles? -Please.
MARTIN: Sorry to disappoint you.
I know you'd rather be anything in the world except Cranes.
Oh, Dad. Now, that is just not true.
We are proud to be Cranes.
It was just innocent curiosity.
Well, I gotta go call Duke. But don't excited, he's not a real duke.
Well, we stepped in it that time.
Yes. What the hell is wrong with us?
Asking whether or not we're related to the Romanovs.
We'd just gotten past this whole "Crane shame" thing.
-We should've known it'd upset him. -Yes, and for what?
Trying to find some distant connection to royalty.
Even if we could prove it, what do we have?
Huh. A story to tell at parties.
-An occasional seat at a state dinner. -Some meaningless title. It's insane.
-Ridiculous. -Destructive.
-Still, there is this grandmother. -I'm right behind you.
You know, Niles, given our new pride in the Crane name,
perhaps it would behoove us to research our family tree.
-In a way, we'd be honoring Dad. -Yes.
-We wouldn't need to tell him. -No. No.
Just a few hours on the Internet, a trip to the library.
We could sketch in the entire family tree.
Sure. And if there should happen to be a connection to the Romanovs…
Well, what harm is there in that?
Oh, God, it is amusing to contemplate, isn't it, Niles?
You, me, Dad,
all part of an ancient and noble family.
MARTIN: Okay, Eddie, the jackalope's gonna get you.
The jackalope is gonna get you. The jackalope is…
Hey, Frasier,
-how's the research going? -Sit down,
-I'll bring you up to speed. -No, thank you. I'm meeting someone.
Dear God, not one of your Internet dalliances.
Oh, it's just coffee, okay?
Besides, this guy's totally legit. He emailed me a picture.
A picture? What can you learn from a picture?
The man's probably a lunatic, a psychopath. Oh! He's a pretty boy.
-Yeah. -FRASIER: Wait a minute.
I know this photo.
It's the cover of this month's Bidwell's catalog.
-Are you sure? -I'm positive.
I ordered those socks and driving shoes.
Why would someone do this?
He's probably some insecure would-be Romeo
trying to lure you into a meeting.
-Hello, Frasier. -Noel.
What have we here? An empty seat next to yours.
-May I? -[SHOUTS] No!
Of all the dumbass things you've done to try to get me to go out with you,
emailing me this picture is just the most moronic.
-But, Roz… -ROZ: Forget it, buddy.
I'll take your mouse cord and wrap it around your nerdy little neck
until your eyes pop out like champagne corks.
But I didn't send you this.
Yeah, right. Then who did?
My guess would be that guy.
[ROZ GASPS]
Oh, my God. Noel. Noel, I'm so sorry.
-How sorry? -Not that sorry.
I just saw the Bidwell's guy.
-So, Niles, how goes the research? -I think you're gonna be very pleased.
According to this catalog,
the bear clock was last seen in Moscow in 1879.
Well, hold on to your fur hat, Niles.
I've discovered that our great-great- grandmother emigrated from Russia,
1879.
Oh, my God. It's all coming together. I can practically picture the scene.
Yes. Our great-great-grandmother, smelling revolution in the wind,
secretly slips away in the black Russian night.
Taking the bear clock with her to remind her of richer days.
FRASIER: Yes.
The ticking hands of time counting down her return,
her royal power merely hibernating.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Yes? Yes, yes, I'll hold.
-Who is it? -It's Dr. Myshkin.
He's an attaché at the Russian embassy. An expert on the Romanovs.
-Oh! -FRASIER: Yes, Dr. Myshkin.
This evening would be fine.
Uh, about 7:00?
Yes, I live at the Elliot Bay Towers.
We'll see you then.
He has some important information for us.
Oh, my God, Niles. This is it.
The final link to our royal past. I'm going to issue a press release.
Not before I shout it from the rooftops.
Oh, here's Dad. Hide everything.
Hey, guys. I thought I'd find you here.
You missed seeing yourself on the Antique Roadshow.
Yeah. And the phone's been ringing off the hook.
Everybody wants to buy that bear clock.
-You're not thinking of selling it? -You're damn right.
Some guy offered me 26,000 for it.
I'm gonna buy me a big honking fishing boat.
A Wavepounder 450 with a fun deck,
good for fishing, cruising or just plain tubing.
Did you hear that, Frasier? We can go tubing. Do something.
You know, Dad, perhaps Niles and I could sell the clock for you.
I mean, we do know the antiques world,
and, well, we could get you more than 26,000.
I should think at least, uh, 30,000.
-Maybe I will let you boys handle this. -FRASIER: It's a wise move, Dad.
Yeah, we'd hate to see you get manipulated.
-MYSHKIN: Dr. Crane. -Dr. Myshkin. Please, come in.
This is my brother,
Dr. Niles Crane.
[CLICKS HEELS]
The clock, there it is.
-NILES: Yes. -Yes. Please, have a look.
-Is it authentic? -Without a doubt.
-Frasier? -I know.
FRASIER: Daphne, if you don't mind,
there is some caviar on the ice in the kitchen.
Now would be the appropriate time, if you would, please.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Here I am dawdling with the laundry when it's ten minutes into caviar time.
As I mentioned, I have some information interesting to your family.
Yes, yes. Please, make yourself comfortable. Do tell. Do tell.
This is a copy of the diary of Princess Sonya Romanov,
daughter to tsar Alexander II.
At 18, she fell in love with a commoner. An American.
Such a union would, of course, be forbidden,
but Sonya decided to give everything up for love.
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
She enlisted the aid of a scullery maid,
who smuggled money, clothing and this bear clock out of the palace.
She would elope to America.
Yes, that was her plan.
But when Sonya found her way to the train station under cover of night,
the scullery maid had absconded with everything, including the clock.
-Servants. -There's a back aching for the lash.
I'm moving as fast as I can.
But tell us, how did we get our clock back?
Yes, yes, yes. Tell us how did Great-Great-Grandmama retrieve it?
Drs. Crane, your ancestor is not the princess.
Your ancestor is the scullery maid.
Well, on behalf of the Russian people, I thank you for retrieving this for us.
You mean you're just going to take it?
Its place is in the Hermitage Museum.
This clock's been in our family for generations.
-Niles. -Dr. Crane,
we could settle this in the courts, but you wouldn't win.
Do you want this to come out in the press?
Do you expect us to let you walk out with a precious family heirloom?
Did I mention that your ancestor,
before she married a Noah Crane in 1882,
worked as a prostitute in New York?
Enjoy your bear.
-Oh, hello. -Dr. Proftry Myshkin.
Marty Crane. I see you got the clock.
That's right. Good evening, all.
MARTIN: Bye.
You sold it. Hope you got a good price.
Gee, Dad, I hope you didn't buy a boat.
No, I was thinking of it.
Then I thought, hell, we've been getting along so well,
you don't like fishing and you get seasick.
Why buy something if we can't all enjoy it, you know? So I bought this.
-A Winnebago. -MARTIN: Yeah.
-A big one. -MARTIN: Thirty-three footer
with air suspension and power jacks.
Thirty thousand, used, but you got that much for the clock, right?
-Of course. -Oh, that's great.
We can go anywhere.
You know, the first place I wanna go is Elmo, Nebraska.
We got a whole mess of cousins down there.
Well, we're out 15,000 each.
And we have to take long trips in a Winnebago.
And we're not Romanovs.
We're descended from thieves and whores.
You know,
I remember reading that Henry James once had a liaison
with a Russian prostitute in New York.
I'm right behind you.