1 00:00:08,377 --> 00:00:10,880 -Hello, Roz. What are you up to? -Hey. 2 00:00:11,088 --> 00:00:13,006 They put in phone jacks so you can go online. 3 00:00:13,090 --> 00:00:15,551 I was just talking to this guy who sounds really great. 4 00:00:15,635 --> 00:00:17,221 [FRASIER SCOFFS] 5 00:00:17,387 --> 00:00:20,682 What? I'm a very busy person. How else am I going to meet people? 6 00:00:20,849 --> 00:00:23,018 It just seems so impersonal, Roz. 7 00:00:23,185 --> 00:00:25,437 My God, whatever happened to human contact? 8 00:00:25,604 --> 00:00:28,149 Engaging people, face to face, eye to eye. 9 00:00:28,316 --> 00:00:30,735 -ROZ: There's your dad. -Don't let him see me. 10 00:00:31,277 --> 00:00:33,279 -ROZ: Hey, Martin. Hi. -Hey, Roz. 11 00:00:33,446 --> 00:00:35,698 -What you been up to? -Oh, just surfing the net. 12 00:00:35,782 --> 00:00:38,869 -Hi, Dad. -I never got into that net stuff. 13 00:00:39,078 --> 00:00:41,178 Really? You really ought to give it a try. 14 00:00:41,330 --> 00:00:43,832 It's a great way to keep in touch with friends and family. 15 00:00:43,916 --> 00:00:47,795 Family? Gosh, you know, that's… Nice to know that some people 16 00:00:47,962 --> 00:00:49,714 still care about their family. 17 00:00:49,881 --> 00:00:51,925 -Dad, please. -Well, I gotta go. 18 00:00:52,092 --> 00:00:55,053 I'm going night fishing with Duke. And Eddie, of course. 19 00:00:55,220 --> 00:01:00,100 You know, I wouldn't leave Eddie. You don't turn your back on your family. 20 00:01:00,308 --> 00:01:01,561 What is that all about? 21 00:01:01,727 --> 00:01:03,980 Oh, our cousin Dodie's wedding was last week. 22 00:01:04,146 --> 00:01:06,857 Oh, excuse me, cousin Dodie's "weddin'." 23 00:01:08,734 --> 00:01:10,570 It was a Western theme. 24 00:01:10,778 --> 00:01:15,409 On the response card it asked for our chili preference: mild or kick-ass. Ugh. 25 00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:21,873 Niles and I told them that we had a conference at the Therapists' Guild. 26 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:26,379 -There's no Therapists' Guild, is there? -No. Dad found us out. 27 00:01:26,588 --> 00:01:29,549 Wait. Didn't you have a Therapists' Guild conference 28 00:01:29,716 --> 00:01:31,884 on Alice's last birthday? 29 00:01:32,552 --> 00:01:34,597 The point is it struck a nerve with Dad. 30 00:01:35,389 --> 00:01:37,182 Sorry, Roz, it's just that 31 00:01:37,349 --> 00:01:39,249 he thinks we're ashamed of his family. 32 00:01:39,393 --> 00:01:42,103 It's been an issue for years. He hasn't spoken to me for days. 33 00:01:42,187 --> 00:01:44,587 Thank God I don't have to deal with this tonight. 34 00:01:44,691 --> 00:01:48,153 I've already earmarked a fine bottle of Château Beychevelle. 35 00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:49,821 Ah. Hot date? 36 00:01:50,030 --> 00:01:53,380 No, no, Niles is coming over to watch the Antiques Roadshow with me. 37 00:01:53,742 --> 00:01:56,787 -You'll be coming in late tomorrow. -It's our favorite show. 38 00:01:56,871 --> 00:02:00,333 -Party. Whoo! -Oh, all right, stop. That's enough. 39 00:02:02,710 --> 00:02:05,760 I think the Roadshow is from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania tonight. 40 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:09,593 -Amish country. -Ooh! Quilts. 41 00:02:09,801 --> 00:02:13,138 I'll uncork the wine, Niles. You set out the cheese plate. 42 00:02:13,639 --> 00:02:15,349 -NILES: Dad. -FRASIER: Dad. Uh… 43 00:02:15,891 --> 00:02:19,187 I thought you were going night fishing with Duke. 44 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:23,816 Ugh. For God's sakes, you can't keep this up forever, Dad. 45 00:02:24,108 --> 00:02:26,444 Well, all right, fine. I hope you don't mind. 46 00:02:26,611 --> 00:02:28,488 Niles and I are watching a television show. 47 00:02:28,572 --> 00:02:31,784 Really? Well, I'm surprised you don't have a conference to go to. 48 00:02:32,242 --> 00:02:34,392 We said we were sorry about Dodie's wedding. 49 00:02:34,495 --> 00:02:36,955 Yes, and we did send her a baby gift. 50 00:02:40,085 --> 00:02:41,670 Well, Duke canceled out on me. 51 00:02:41,836 --> 00:02:45,173 You can have the TV in an hour. I just wanna watch my game show. 52 00:02:45,632 --> 00:02:48,927 -Dad, please, not a game show. -I happen to like it, all right? 53 00:02:49,094 --> 00:02:52,890 People bring in their junk and these experts tell them what it's worth. 54 00:02:57,561 --> 00:03:00,356 Are you talking about the Antiques Roadshow? 55 00:03:00,564 --> 00:03:01,900 Yeah. 56 00:03:02,359 --> 00:03:05,109 Well, that's the program Niles and I are going to watch. 57 00:03:10,283 --> 00:03:13,705 I'll just check outside and see if the world has ended. 58 00:03:14,997 --> 00:03:17,082 If you wanna watch, no one's stopping you. 59 00:03:17,166 --> 00:03:19,085 FRASIER: Oh, wonderful. Ha-ha-ha. 60 00:03:19,252 --> 00:03:22,254 MAN 1 [ON TV]: And you have no idea what this writing desk might be worth? 61 00:03:22,338 --> 00:03:24,424 WOMAN 1: No, my husband bought it at a garage sale. 62 00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:27,177 Oh, that's a lovely piece. I'd say it's Sheridan. 63 00:03:27,386 --> 00:03:30,222 MAN 1: At auction this would bring in more than $8,000. 64 00:03:30,389 --> 00:03:32,516 Whoa! Ka-ching! 65 00:03:34,060 --> 00:03:36,479 WOMAN 1: What about this chair? Is it an original too? 66 00:03:36,563 --> 00:03:39,524 -It certainly looks it. -No, no, they always do this. 67 00:03:39,733 --> 00:03:42,883 Set them up on the first one, then lower the boom on the second. 68 00:03:42,986 --> 00:03:45,614 -That carving looks authentic. -So does the inlay. 69 00:03:45,823 --> 00:03:47,449 -No, no, no. -MAN 1: I'm sorry to say 70 00:03:47,533 --> 00:03:51,662 this chair is a reproduction worth, at best, $150. 71 00:03:51,871 --> 00:03:53,539 WOMAN 1: Oh, what a shame. 72 00:03:54,165 --> 00:03:56,752 Keep watching, boys. You'll get the hang of it. 73 00:03:57,210 --> 00:03:59,337 WOMAN 1: Well, I guess at least we have the desk. 74 00:03:59,421 --> 00:04:01,757 MAN 1: The real clue here is the veneer. 75 00:04:01,923 --> 00:04:03,717 ALL: Veneer. 76 00:04:05,510 --> 00:04:09,056 MAN 2: And now for some information on the beautiful city of Harrisburg. 77 00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:10,683 Mute. 78 00:04:11,225 --> 00:04:12,560 [DOOR OPENS] 79 00:04:13,686 --> 00:04:15,772 -Evening, all. -FRASIER: Oh, hi, Daphne. 80 00:04:16,022 --> 00:04:19,372 Wow, I don't see the three of you watching the same show very often. 81 00:04:19,568 --> 00:04:23,113 What's going on? Pavarotti jumping the Grand Canyon? 82 00:04:23,489 --> 00:04:26,492 It's Antique Roadshow. Oh, what you got in the box? 83 00:04:26,658 --> 00:04:28,408 It's Donny's mother's wedding gown. 84 00:04:28,494 --> 00:04:31,594 He wants me to wear it at our wedding. What if I don't like it? 85 00:04:31,748 --> 00:04:33,708 If you wanna try it on, we'll have a look. 86 00:04:33,792 --> 00:04:34,918 Just go put it on. 87 00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:36,961 Oh, Dad. Dad, turn it up. 88 00:04:37,170 --> 00:04:41,091 WOMAN 2: But the real masterwork is this unique Art Deco headboard. 89 00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:43,219 It features a variety of veneers. 90 00:04:43,385 --> 00:04:45,304 ALL: Veneer. 91 00:04:46,639 --> 00:04:47,848 WOMAN 2: Mahogany veneer. 92 00:04:47,932 --> 00:04:49,266 Veneer. 93 00:04:49,934 --> 00:04:51,436 WOMAN 2: Burled-walnut veneer. 94 00:04:51,645 --> 00:04:52,938 Veneer. 95 00:04:54,064 --> 00:04:55,564 WOMAN 2: And zebrawood veneer. 96 00:04:55,649 --> 00:04:57,359 -NILES: Oh, yeah. -Veneer. 97 00:04:59,319 --> 00:05:00,695 WOMAN 3: And now back to our sponsor… 98 00:05:00,779 --> 00:05:03,825 Oh, God. Next week, we gotta pick a different word. 99 00:05:04,534 --> 00:05:07,084 WOMAN 3: Are they trash or treasure? We'll find out. 100 00:05:07,245 --> 00:05:08,645 Need another bottle of wine. 101 00:05:08,746 --> 00:05:13,043 Yeah, me too. I love these educational shows. 102 00:05:14,795 --> 00:05:17,005 You know, I can't get over Dad. 103 00:05:17,172 --> 00:05:19,672 It seems that this rift between us has been mended. 104 00:05:19,758 --> 00:05:21,958 Can you believe, he used the word "craftsman" 105 00:05:22,094 --> 00:05:26,015 and he meant the architectural style and not the rotary sander. 106 00:05:27,892 --> 00:05:29,643 -That's uncanny. -Well, you heard him. 107 00:05:29,727 --> 00:05:33,147 No, no, not that. You just said "rotary sander." 108 00:05:35,025 --> 00:05:38,237 -Dad, did we miss anything? -No, just some bozo with a credenza 109 00:05:38,404 --> 00:05:41,198 who doesn't know a Biedermeier from an Oscar Mayer. 110 00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:45,453 MAN 3: That's it for this week. See you next time on the Antiques Roadshow. 111 00:05:45,620 --> 00:05:48,206 ANNOUNCER: Next Saturday, the Roadshow will be here in Seattle. 112 00:05:48,290 --> 00:05:49,123 Oh! 113 00:05:49,207 --> 00:05:50,833 ANNOUNCER: Viewers can bring their treasures 114 00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:52,710 to the convention center for appraisal. 115 00:05:52,794 --> 00:05:55,171 -We ought to go. That'd be great. -Sure, Dad. 116 00:05:55,338 --> 00:05:56,840 -It does sound like fun. -MARTIN: Yeah. 117 00:05:56,924 --> 00:05:59,802 I'm gonna go have a little root-around in my closet. 118 00:05:59,969 --> 00:06:04,015 I'll bet I can find a nice little objet d'art they'll be interested in. 119 00:06:05,850 --> 00:06:10,647 It's as if that panhandler I gave money to was a genie, granting all my wishes. 120 00:06:11,398 --> 00:06:14,401 Would you marry me in this? 121 00:06:18,238 --> 00:06:19,991 How much did you give him? 122 00:06:22,452 --> 00:06:24,829 It's attractive, Daphne. It's a bit unorthodox. 123 00:06:24,996 --> 00:06:26,581 Yeah, that's what I think. 124 00:06:26,956 --> 00:06:30,044 Donny? I've just put your mom's wedding dress on. 125 00:06:30,252 --> 00:06:32,129 A miniskirt? It's obscene. 126 00:06:32,296 --> 00:06:37,176 You can see… What? No, I took the green box. Oh. 127 00:06:38,260 --> 00:06:40,513 No problem, then. Bye. 128 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:42,140 I took the wrong dress. 129 00:06:42,349 --> 00:06:46,269 This is from his mother's third marriage in 1968 in Las Vegas. 130 00:06:51,066 --> 00:06:53,816 Can you believe people actually used to dress like this? 131 00:06:53,903 --> 00:06:56,655 NILES: I wish I had a picture of it for whenever I needed a laugh. 132 00:06:56,739 --> 00:06:58,115 FRASIER: Niles. 133 00:07:05,832 --> 00:07:09,252 MARTIN: This bear clock's been in the family for generations. I can't wait. 134 00:07:09,336 --> 00:07:11,421 Do you think they'll put a dollar figure on it? 135 00:07:11,505 --> 00:07:13,341 That sounds about right. 136 00:07:13,633 --> 00:07:14,884 Very funny. 137 00:07:15,051 --> 00:07:16,886 Your grandpa passed this down to me, 138 00:07:17,053 --> 00:07:19,097 and someday it'll be passed on to you. 139 00:07:19,263 --> 00:07:22,058 Dad, please, I don't even wanna think about that day. 140 00:07:22,225 --> 00:07:24,394 I gotta go see if I can get this baby appraised. 141 00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:25,896 All right. 142 00:07:26,730 --> 00:07:28,565 Oh, I am so sorry, 143 00:07:28,732 --> 00:07:32,403 on the way in I had the most amazing celebrity sighting: Hans Dietrich. 144 00:07:32,611 --> 00:07:34,561 -The love-seat expert. -The very same. 145 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:35,699 Oh! 146 00:07:35,865 --> 00:07:38,868 He's much smaller in person than on television. He's that big. 147 00:07:38,952 --> 00:07:39,995 -Get out. -Yeah. 148 00:07:40,203 --> 00:07:43,122 Boys, come over here. They wanna put me and the clock on TV. 149 00:07:43,206 --> 00:07:46,085 Good Lord, we can't appear on TV with that hideous thing. 150 00:07:46,293 --> 00:07:48,504 Everyone we know watches this program. 151 00:07:48,713 --> 00:07:50,881 Well, thank God he didn't bring along 152 00:07:51,048 --> 00:07:54,051 that mountain jackrabbit's head with the antelope horns. 153 00:07:54,218 --> 00:07:56,095 Yes, the jackalope. Hmm. 154 00:07:57,055 --> 00:07:59,099 Texas' answer to the minotaur. 155 00:07:59,307 --> 00:08:03,107 So what do you think about it? They said they've never seen anything like it. 156 00:08:03,228 --> 00:08:05,228 Dad, you know, this could go either way. 157 00:08:05,355 --> 00:08:06,857 I know. Don't worry about it. 158 00:08:07,024 --> 00:08:09,652 I'm not gonna act like one of those saps I make fun of. 159 00:08:09,736 --> 00:08:12,864 It doesn't matter if it's worth $2 or $2,000, I'm just gonna say: 160 00:08:13,031 --> 00:08:16,284 -"That's pretty much what I figured." -Tape's rolling. 161 00:08:16,451 --> 00:08:20,372 Oh, okay. Okay, guys, which one of you wants to come and hold it? 162 00:08:20,539 --> 00:08:22,750 No, no, Dad, we wouldn't dream of it. 163 00:08:23,167 --> 00:08:24,209 This is your moment. 164 00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,712 STAGE MANAGER: Everybody ready? Action. 165 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:30,050 So, Martin, what can you tell us about this pewter clock? 166 00:08:30,216 --> 00:08:35,680 Well, it is a clock set in the stomach of what appears to be a bear. 167 00:08:36,556 --> 00:08:38,683 APPRAISER: Actually, it's much more than that. 168 00:08:38,767 --> 00:08:41,187 It's Russian, made in the mid-19th century. 169 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,440 That's pretty much what I figured. 170 00:08:45,274 --> 00:08:46,874 Actually, it's a stunning piece. 171 00:08:46,984 --> 00:08:50,738 It was made by Andrei Kuragin, who worked for tsar Alexander II. 172 00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:53,366 That is pretty much what I figured. 173 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:56,160 I don't know if you're descended from the Romanovs, Martin, 174 00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,246 but all of Kuragin's known bear clocks 175 00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:00,832 were done exclusively for the Romanov family 176 00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:04,796 and are now in the Hermitage Museum in Saint Petersburg. 177 00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:11,177 Martin, you may be surprised to learn that this clock at auction 178 00:09:11,344 --> 00:09:14,723 would easily bring $25,000. 179 00:09:15,390 --> 00:09:16,934 Ka-ching! 180 00:09:19,561 --> 00:09:24,441 What he means is, that's pretty much what we figured. 181 00:09:28,279 --> 00:09:30,865 -FRASIER: After you, Dad. -MARTIN: Thank you. 182 00:09:31,032 --> 00:09:33,032 Gosh, Dad, you know, I've been thinking. 183 00:09:33,159 --> 00:09:36,789 Maybe we ought to find an appropriate place for the clock. 184 00:09:36,956 --> 00:09:39,083 How about right here on this console? 185 00:09:39,250 --> 00:09:41,710 Oh, yes. I get it. 186 00:09:41,877 --> 00:09:46,257 It doesn't look quite so bad to you guys now that you know it's worth 25 grand. 187 00:09:46,632 --> 00:09:50,554 Oh, I could kick myself for not bringing that jackalope. 188 00:09:54,558 --> 00:09:57,208 -Quite an amazing day, eh? -FRASIER: it certainly was. 189 00:09:57,602 --> 00:10:00,302 I've been meaning to ask you about something, actually. 190 00:10:00,398 --> 00:10:02,483 Remember when that appraiser said something 191 00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:05,528 about the bear being from Russia, and Dad being part 192 00:10:05,695 --> 00:10:09,283 -of the Romanov family? -Yeah, yeah, that struck my ear too. 193 00:10:09,449 --> 00:10:12,327 Yes. I don't seriously believe there's any real chance of that. 194 00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:15,163 -No, of course not. It's impossible. -It's a long shot at best. 195 00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:18,208 -Although we do have the bear. -I know. 196 00:10:19,209 --> 00:10:23,923 Oh, Dad, Niles just reminded me of something I had completely forgotten. 197 00:10:24,507 --> 00:10:27,407 When the appraiser mentioned that the bear was from Russia. 198 00:10:27,552 --> 00:10:30,597 Yeah, it probably got passed down through your great-great-grandmother. 199 00:10:30,681 --> 00:10:31,765 She was from Russia. 200 00:10:31,974 --> 00:10:37,563 Aha. And he said something about the Romanov family? 201 00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:40,441 Oh, yeah, that, huh? 202 00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:43,945 -Sure you wanna hear about this? -Yes, Dad. 203 00:10:45,780 --> 00:10:49,367 Well, I guess you would've found out anyway after I died. 204 00:10:50,202 --> 00:10:52,120 We're royalty. 205 00:11:00,838 --> 00:11:03,216 But I didn't want you to grow up spoiled, 206 00:11:03,382 --> 00:11:08,680 so I abdicated and took a job in Seattle on the police force. 207 00:11:09,723 --> 00:11:12,392 It was kind of hard giving up that royal way of life, 208 00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:16,397 but I think maybe it's the swans that I miss most. 209 00:11:18,816 --> 00:11:20,716 FRASIER: Very funny, Dad. Point taken. 210 00:11:20,818 --> 00:11:22,070 -Sherry, Niles? -Please. 211 00:11:22,237 --> 00:11:23,654 MARTIN: Sorry to disappoint you. 212 00:11:23,738 --> 00:11:26,491 I know you'd rather be anything in the world except Cranes. 213 00:11:26,575 --> 00:11:28,744 Oh, Dad. Now, that is just not true. 214 00:11:28,911 --> 00:11:30,871 We are proud to be Cranes. 215 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,874 It was just innocent curiosity. 216 00:11:34,083 --> 00:11:38,672 Well, I gotta go call Duke. But don't excited, he's not a real duke. 217 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,760 Well, we stepped in it that time. 218 00:11:43,927 --> 00:11:46,846 Yes. What the hell is wrong with us? 219 00:11:47,055 --> 00:11:49,605 Asking whether or not we're related to the Romanovs. 220 00:11:49,725 --> 00:11:52,895 We'd just gotten past this whole "Crane shame" thing. 221 00:11:53,229 --> 00:11:56,941 -We should've known it'd upset him. -Yes, and for what? 222 00:11:57,108 --> 00:12:00,988 Trying to find some distant connection to royalty. 223 00:12:01,196 --> 00:12:03,365 Even if we could prove it, what do we have? 224 00:12:03,532 --> 00:12:06,368 Huh. A story to tell at parties. 225 00:12:06,576 --> 00:12:10,498 -An occasional seat at a state dinner. -Some meaningless title. It's insane. 226 00:12:10,707 --> 00:12:13,626 -Ridiculous. -Destructive. 227 00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:17,380 -Still, there is this grandmother. -I'm right behind you. 228 00:12:18,131 --> 00:12:21,552 You know, Niles, given our new pride in the Crane name, 229 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:25,180 perhaps it would behoove us to research our family tree. 230 00:12:25,389 --> 00:12:27,516 -In a way, we'd be honoring Dad. -Yes. 231 00:12:27,683 --> 00:12:29,810 -We wouldn't need to tell him. -No. No. 232 00:12:29,977 --> 00:12:34,316 Just a few hours on the Internet, a trip to the library. 233 00:12:34,482 --> 00:12:36,582 We could sketch in the entire family tree. 234 00:12:36,776 --> 00:12:40,571 Sure. And if there should happen to be a connection to the Romanovs… 235 00:12:40,655 --> 00:12:43,409 Well, what harm is there in that? 236 00:12:43,617 --> 00:12:46,954 Oh, God, it is amusing to contemplate, isn't it, Niles? 237 00:12:47,163 --> 00:12:48,789 You, me, Dad, 238 00:12:49,832 --> 00:12:54,546 all part of an ancient and noble family. 239 00:12:54,755 --> 00:12:57,257 MARTIN: Okay, Eddie, the jackalope's gonna get you. 240 00:12:57,424 --> 00:13:01,928 The jackalope is gonna get you. The jackalope is… 241 00:13:09,687 --> 00:13:10,813 Hey, Frasier, 242 00:13:10,980 --> 00:13:12,880 -how's the research going? -Sit down, 243 00:13:12,982 --> 00:13:16,282 -I'll bring you up to speed. -No, thank you. I'm meeting someone. 244 00:13:17,321 --> 00:13:21,033 Dear God, not one of your Internet dalliances. 245 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,202 Oh, it's just coffee, okay? 246 00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:25,870 Besides, this guy's totally legit. He emailed me a picture. 247 00:13:25,954 --> 00:13:28,291 A picture? What can you learn from a picture? 248 00:13:28,458 --> 00:13:31,878 The man's probably a lunatic, a psychopath. Oh! He's a pretty boy. 249 00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:34,964 -Yeah. -FRASIER: Wait a minute. 250 00:13:35,340 --> 00:13:36,633 I know this photo. 251 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,220 It's the cover of this month's Bidwell's catalog. 252 00:13:40,304 --> 00:13:41,889 -Are you sure? -I'm positive. 253 00:13:42,056 --> 00:13:45,226 I ordered those socks and driving shoes. 254 00:13:45,851 --> 00:13:47,269 Why would someone do this? 255 00:13:47,436 --> 00:13:49,731 He's probably some insecure would-be Romeo 256 00:13:49,898 --> 00:13:51,608 trying to lure you into a meeting. 257 00:13:51,775 --> 00:13:56,029 -Hello, Frasier. -Noel. 258 00:13:56,196 --> 00:13:58,698 What have we here? An empty seat next to yours. 259 00:13:58,907 --> 00:14:00,368 -May I? -[SHOUTS] No! 260 00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:03,871 Of all the dumbass things you've done to try to get me to go out with you, 261 00:14:03,955 --> 00:14:06,749 emailing me this picture is just the most moronic. 262 00:14:06,916 --> 00:14:08,709 -But, Roz… -ROZ: Forget it, buddy. 263 00:14:08,793 --> 00:14:12,088 I'll take your mouse cord and wrap it around your nerdy little neck 264 00:14:12,172 --> 00:14:16,176 until your eyes pop out like champagne corks. 265 00:14:16,927 --> 00:14:18,512 But I didn't send you this. 266 00:14:18,679 --> 00:14:20,055 Yeah, right. Then who did? 267 00:14:21,141 --> 00:14:23,184 My guess would be that guy. 268 00:14:24,185 --> 00:14:25,353 [ROZ GASPS] 269 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:29,482 Oh, my God. Noel. Noel, I'm so sorry. 270 00:14:29,941 --> 00:14:33,070 -How sorry? -Not that sorry. 271 00:14:36,657 --> 00:14:39,201 I just saw the Bidwell's guy. 272 00:14:40,119 --> 00:14:44,624 -So, Niles, how goes the research? -I think you're gonna be very pleased. 273 00:14:44,833 --> 00:14:46,334 According to this catalog, 274 00:14:46,543 --> 00:14:50,922 the bear clock was last seen in Moscow in 1879. 275 00:14:51,089 --> 00:14:52,966 Well, hold on to your fur hat, Niles. 276 00:14:54,552 --> 00:14:58,306 I've discovered that our great-great- grandmother emigrated from Russia, 277 00:14:58,514 --> 00:15:00,266 1879. 278 00:15:00,558 --> 00:15:05,063 Oh, my God. It's all coming together. I can practically picture the scene. 279 00:15:05,230 --> 00:15:09,985 Yes. Our great-great-grandmother, smelling revolution in the wind, 280 00:15:10,152 --> 00:15:13,655 secretly slips away in the black Russian night. 281 00:15:13,822 --> 00:15:16,700 Taking the bear clock with her to remind her of richer days. 282 00:15:16,784 --> 00:15:17,827 FRASIER: Yes. 283 00:15:18,453 --> 00:15:22,165 The ticking hands of time counting down her return, 284 00:15:22,415 --> 00:15:26,586 her royal power merely hibernating. 285 00:15:28,881 --> 00:15:30,799 [CELL PHONE RINGS] 286 00:15:32,676 --> 00:15:35,304 Yes? Yes, yes, I'll hold. 287 00:15:35,471 --> 00:15:37,431 -Who is it? -It's Dr. Myshkin. 288 00:15:37,682 --> 00:15:41,102 He's an attaché at the Russian embassy. An expert on the Romanovs. 289 00:15:41,269 --> 00:15:42,869 -Oh! -FRASIER: Yes, Dr. Myshkin. 290 00:15:43,230 --> 00:15:45,941 This evening would be fine. 291 00:15:46,149 --> 00:15:47,734 Uh, about 7:00? 292 00:15:47,943 --> 00:15:49,793 Yes, I live at the Elliot Bay Towers. 293 00:15:49,946 --> 00:15:52,156 We'll see you then. 294 00:15:52,365 --> 00:15:54,450 He has some important information for us. 295 00:15:54,659 --> 00:15:56,619 Oh, my God, Niles. This is it. 296 00:15:56,953 --> 00:16:02,834 The final link to our royal past. I'm going to issue a press release. 297 00:16:03,168 --> 00:16:05,337 Not before I shout it from the rooftops. 298 00:16:05,546 --> 00:16:07,881 Oh, here's Dad. Hide everything. 299 00:16:09,091 --> 00:16:11,041 Hey, guys. I thought I'd find you here. 300 00:16:11,135 --> 00:16:13,635 You missed seeing yourself on the Antique Roadshow. 301 00:16:13,721 --> 00:16:16,071 Yeah. And the phone's been ringing off the hook. 302 00:16:16,182 --> 00:16:18,643 Everybody wants to buy that bear clock. 303 00:16:18,810 --> 00:16:21,605 -You're not thinking of selling it? -You're damn right. 304 00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:23,857 Some guy offered me 26,000 for it. 305 00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,902 I'm gonna buy me a big honking fishing boat. 306 00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,863 A Wavepounder 450 with a fun deck, 307 00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:33,618 good for fishing, cruising or just plain tubing. 308 00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:39,291 Did you hear that, Frasier? We can go tubing. Do something. 309 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,649 You know, Dad, perhaps Niles and I could sell the clock for you. 310 00:16:42,794 --> 00:16:45,172 I mean, we do know the antiques world, 311 00:16:45,339 --> 00:16:47,508 and, well, we could get you more than 26,000. 312 00:16:47,592 --> 00:16:50,177 I should think at least, uh, 30,000. 313 00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:53,722 -Maybe I will let you boys handle this. -FRASIER: It's a wise move, Dad. 314 00:16:53,806 --> 00:16:55,906 Yeah, we'd hate to see you get manipulated. 315 00:17:04,484 --> 00:17:08,031 -MYSHKIN: Dr. Crane. -Dr. Myshkin. Please, come in. 316 00:17:08,573 --> 00:17:10,116 This is my brother, 317 00:17:10,450 --> 00:17:11,784 Dr. Niles Crane. 318 00:17:11,951 --> 00:17:13,244 [CLICKS HEELS] 319 00:17:15,663 --> 00:17:16,999 The clock, there it is. 320 00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:19,668 -NILES: Yes. -Yes. Please, have a look. 321 00:17:23,756 --> 00:17:26,425 -Is it authentic? -Without a doubt. 322 00:17:26,842 --> 00:17:28,553 -Frasier? -I know. 323 00:17:29,304 --> 00:17:30,930 FRASIER: Daphne, if you don't mind, 324 00:17:31,014 --> 00:17:34,225 there is some caviar on the ice in the kitchen. 325 00:17:34,392 --> 00:17:36,852 Now would be the appropriate time, if you would, please. 326 00:17:36,936 --> 00:17:39,273 Oh, I am so sorry. 327 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:44,737 Here I am dawdling with the laundry when it's ten minutes into caviar time. 328 00:17:47,365 --> 00:17:50,665 As I mentioned, I have some information interesting to your family. 329 00:17:50,827 --> 00:17:54,414 Yes, yes. Please, make yourself comfortable. Do tell. Do tell. 330 00:17:54,581 --> 00:17:58,043 This is a copy of the diary of Princess Sonya Romanov, 331 00:17:58,251 --> 00:18:00,672 daughter to tsar Alexander II. 332 00:18:00,922 --> 00:18:04,634 At 18, she fell in love with a commoner. An American. 333 00:18:05,718 --> 00:18:07,887 Such a union would, of course, be forbidden, 334 00:18:08,179 --> 00:18:10,932 but Sonya decided to give everything up for love. 335 00:18:11,892 --> 00:18:13,852 [SPEAKS IN FRENCH] 336 00:18:14,395 --> 00:18:16,395 She enlisted the aid of a scullery maid, 337 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:20,109 who smuggled money, clothing and this bear clock out of the palace. 338 00:18:20,317 --> 00:18:22,612 She would elope to America. 339 00:18:22,779 --> 00:18:23,947 Yes, that was her plan. 340 00:18:24,155 --> 00:18:28,243 But when Sonya found her way to the train station under cover of night, 341 00:18:28,451 --> 00:18:31,913 the scullery maid had absconded with everything, including the clock. 342 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:35,793 -Servants. -There's a back aching for the lash. 343 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:39,505 I'm moving as fast as I can. 344 00:18:45,637 --> 00:18:48,640 But tell us, how did we get our clock back? 345 00:18:48,849 --> 00:18:52,227 Yes, yes, yes. Tell us how did Great-Great-Grandmama retrieve it? 346 00:18:52,436 --> 00:18:55,148 Drs. Crane, your ancestor is not the princess. 347 00:18:55,314 --> 00:18:57,567 Your ancestor is the scullery maid. 348 00:19:02,071 --> 00:19:07,411 Well, on behalf of the Russian people, I thank you for retrieving this for us. 349 00:19:07,619 --> 00:19:09,519 You mean you're just going to take it? 350 00:19:09,621 --> 00:19:11,456 Its place is in the Hermitage Museum. 351 00:19:11,540 --> 00:19:13,890 This clock's been in our family for generations. 352 00:19:14,084 --> 00:19:15,586 -Niles. -Dr. Crane, 353 00:19:15,836 --> 00:19:18,631 we could settle this in the courts, but you wouldn't win. 354 00:19:18,715 --> 00:19:20,633 Do you want this to come out in the press? 355 00:19:20,717 --> 00:19:24,117 Do you expect us to let you walk out with a precious family heirloom? 356 00:19:24,220 --> 00:19:25,638 Did I mention that your ancestor, 357 00:19:25,722 --> 00:19:28,100 before she married a Noah Crane in 1882, 358 00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:30,978 worked as a prostitute in New York? 359 00:19:31,979 --> 00:19:33,439 Enjoy your bear. 360 00:19:36,192 --> 00:19:38,861 -Oh, hello. -Dr. Proftry Myshkin. 361 00:19:39,029 --> 00:19:40,906 Marty Crane. I see you got the clock. 362 00:19:41,072 --> 00:19:43,200 That's right. Good evening, all. 363 00:19:43,366 --> 00:19:44,618 MARTIN: Bye. 364 00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:48,079 You sold it. Hope you got a good price. 365 00:19:48,872 --> 00:19:50,822 Gee, Dad, I hope you didn't buy a boat. 366 00:19:51,042 --> 00:19:52,335 No, I was thinking of it. 367 00:19:52,543 --> 00:19:54,962 Then I thought, hell, we've been getting along so well, 368 00:19:55,046 --> 00:19:57,146 you don't like fishing and you get seasick. 369 00:19:57,298 --> 00:20:02,387 Why buy something if we can't all enjoy it, you know? So I bought this. 370 00:20:03,138 --> 00:20:06,099 -A Winnebago. -MARTIN: Yeah. 371 00:20:08,018 --> 00:20:09,853 -A big one. -MARTIN: Thirty-three footer 372 00:20:09,937 --> 00:20:11,737 with air suspension and power jacks. 373 00:20:11,898 --> 00:20:15,401 Thirty thousand, used, but you got that much for the clock, right? 374 00:20:15,610 --> 00:20:17,862 -Of course. -Oh, that's great. 375 00:20:18,071 --> 00:20:19,572 We can go anywhere. 376 00:20:19,739 --> 00:20:22,492 You know, the first place I wanna go is Elmo, Nebraska. 377 00:20:22,659 --> 00:20:25,454 We got a whole mess of cousins down there. 378 00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:42,138 Well, we're out 15,000 each. 379 00:20:42,389 --> 00:20:45,893 And we have to take long trips in a Winnebago. 380 00:20:53,943 --> 00:20:56,488 And we're not Romanovs. 381 00:20:57,322 --> 00:21:00,325 We're descended from thieves and whores. 382 00:21:06,666 --> 00:21:08,293 You know, 383 00:21:08,835 --> 00:21:12,255 I remember reading that Henry James once had a liaison 384 00:21:12,422 --> 00:21:15,174 with a Russian prostitute in New York. 385 00:21:15,425 --> 00:21:17,678 I'm right behind you.