1
00:00:08,377 --> 00:00:10,880
-Hello, Roz. What are you up to?
-Hey.
2
00:00:11,088 --> 00:00:13,006
They put in phone jacks
so you can go online.
3
00:00:13,090 --> 00:00:15,551
I was just talking to this
guy who sounds really great.
4
00:00:15,635 --> 00:00:17,221
[FRASIER SCOFFS]
5
00:00:17,387 --> 00:00:20,682
What? I'm a very busy person.
How else am I going to meet people?
6
00:00:20,849 --> 00:00:23,018
It just seems so impersonal, Roz.
7
00:00:23,185 --> 00:00:25,437
My God, whatever
happened to human contact?
8
00:00:25,604 --> 00:00:28,149
Engaging people, face to face, eye to eye.
9
00:00:28,316 --> 00:00:30,735
-ROZ: There's your dad.
-Don't let him see me.
10
00:00:31,277 --> 00:00:33,279
-ROZ: Hey, Martin. Hi.
-Hey, Roz.
11
00:00:33,446 --> 00:00:35,698
-What you been up to?
-Oh, just surfing the net.
12
00:00:35,782 --> 00:00:38,869
-Hi, Dad.
-I never got into that net stuff.
13
00:00:39,078 --> 00:00:41,178
Really? You really ought to give it a try.
14
00:00:41,330 --> 00:00:43,832
It's a great way to keep in
touch with friends and family.
15
00:00:43,916 --> 00:00:47,795
Family? Gosh, you know, that's…
Nice to know that some people
16
00:00:47,962 --> 00:00:49,714
still care about their family.
17
00:00:49,881 --> 00:00:51,925
-Dad, please.
-Well, I gotta go.
18
00:00:52,092 --> 00:00:55,053
I'm going night fishing with Duke.
And Eddie, of course.
19
00:00:55,220 --> 00:01:00,100
You know, I wouldn't leave Eddie.
You don't turn your back on your family.
20
00:01:00,308 --> 00:01:01,561
What is that all about?
21
00:01:01,727 --> 00:01:03,980
Oh, our cousin Dodie's
wedding was last week.
22
00:01:04,146 --> 00:01:06,857
Oh, excuse me, cousin Dodie's "weddin'."
23
00:01:08,734 --> 00:01:10,570
It was a Western theme.
24
00:01:10,778 --> 00:01:15,409
On the response card it asked for our
chili preference: mild or kick-ass. Ugh.
25
00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:21,873
Niles and I told them that we had a
conference at the Therapists' Guild.
26
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:26,379
-There's no Therapists' Guild, is there?
-No. Dad found us out.
27
00:01:26,588 --> 00:01:29,549
Wait. Didn't you have a
Therapists' Guild conference
28
00:01:29,716 --> 00:01:31,884
on Alice's last birthday?
29
00:01:32,552 --> 00:01:34,597
The point is it struck a nerve with Dad.
30
00:01:35,389 --> 00:01:37,182
Sorry, Roz, it's just that
31
00:01:37,349 --> 00:01:39,249
he thinks we're ashamed of his family.
32
00:01:39,393 --> 00:01:42,103
It's been an issue for years.
He hasn't spoken to me for days.
33
00:01:42,187 --> 00:01:44,587
Thank God I don't have
to deal with this tonight.
34
00:01:44,691 --> 00:01:48,153
I've already earmarked a fine
bottle of Château Beychevelle.
35
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:49,821
Ah. Hot date?
36
00:01:50,030 --> 00:01:53,380
No, no, Niles is coming over to
watch the Antiques Roadshow with me.
37
00:01:53,742 --> 00:01:56,787
-You'll be coming in late tomorrow.
-It's our favorite show.
38
00:01:56,871 --> 00:02:00,333
-Party. Whoo!
-Oh, all right, stop. That's enough.
39
00:02:02,710 --> 00:02:05,760
I think the Roadshow is from
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania tonight.
40
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:09,593
-Amish country.
-Ooh! Quilts.
41
00:02:09,801 --> 00:02:13,138
I'll uncork the wine, Niles.
You set out the cheese plate.
42
00:02:13,639 --> 00:02:15,349
-NILES: Dad.
-FRASIER: Dad. Uh…
43
00:02:15,891 --> 00:02:19,187
I thought you were going
night fishing with Duke.
44
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:23,816
Ugh. For God's sakes, you
can't keep this up forever, Dad.
45
00:02:24,108 --> 00:02:26,444
Well, all right, fine.
I hope you don't mind.
46
00:02:26,611 --> 00:02:28,488
Niles and I are watching
a television show.
47
00:02:28,572 --> 00:02:31,784
Really? Well, I'm surprised you
don't have a conference to go to.
48
00:02:32,242 --> 00:02:34,392
We said we were sorry
about Dodie's wedding.
49
00:02:34,495 --> 00:02:36,955
Yes, and we did send her a baby gift.
50
00:02:40,085 --> 00:02:41,670
Well, Duke canceled out on me.
51
00:02:41,836 --> 00:02:45,173
You can have the TV in an hour.
I just wanna watch my game show.
52
00:02:45,632 --> 00:02:48,927
-Dad, please, not a game show.
-I happen to like it, all right?
53
00:02:49,094 --> 00:02:52,890
People bring in their junk and
these experts tell them what it's worth.
54
00:02:57,561 --> 00:03:00,356
Are you talking about
the Antiques Roadshow?
55
00:03:00,564 --> 00:03:01,900
Yeah.
56
00:03:02,359 --> 00:03:05,109
Well, that's the program
Niles and I are going to watch.
57
00:03:10,283 --> 00:03:13,705
I'll just check outside and
see if the world has ended.
58
00:03:14,997 --> 00:03:17,082
If you wanna watch, no one's stopping you.
59
00:03:17,166 --> 00:03:19,085
FRASIER: Oh, wonderful. Ha-ha-ha.
60
00:03:19,252 --> 00:03:22,254
MAN 1 [ON TV]: And you have no idea
what this writing desk might be worth?
61
00:03:22,338 --> 00:03:24,424
WOMAN 1: No, my husband
bought it at a garage sale.
62
00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:27,177
Oh, that's a lovely piece.
I'd say it's Sheridan.
63
00:03:27,386 --> 00:03:30,222
MAN 1: At auction this would
bring in more than $8,000.
64
00:03:30,389 --> 00:03:32,516
Whoa! Ka-ching!
65
00:03:34,060 --> 00:03:36,479
WOMAN 1: What about this chair?
Is it an original too?
66
00:03:36,563 --> 00:03:39,524
-It certainly looks it.
-No, no, they always do this.
67
00:03:39,733 --> 00:03:42,883
Set them up on the first one,
then lower the boom on the second.
68
00:03:42,986 --> 00:03:45,614
-That carving looks authentic.
-So does the inlay.
69
00:03:45,823 --> 00:03:47,449
-No, no, no.
-MAN 1: I'm sorry to say
70
00:03:47,533 --> 00:03:51,662
this chair is a reproduction
worth, at best, $150.
71
00:03:51,871 --> 00:03:53,539
WOMAN 1: Oh, what a shame.
72
00:03:54,165 --> 00:03:56,752
Keep watching, boys.
You'll get the hang of it.
73
00:03:57,210 --> 00:03:59,337
WOMAN 1: Well, I guess
at least we have the desk.
74
00:03:59,421 --> 00:04:01,757
MAN 1: The real clue here is the veneer.
75
00:04:01,923 --> 00:04:03,717
ALL: Veneer.
76
00:04:05,510 --> 00:04:09,056
MAN 2: And now for some information
on the beautiful city of Harrisburg.
77
00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:10,683
Mute.
78
00:04:11,225 --> 00:04:12,560
[DOOR OPENS]
79
00:04:13,686 --> 00:04:15,772
-Evening, all.
-FRASIER: Oh, hi, Daphne.
80
00:04:16,022 --> 00:04:19,372
Wow, I don't see the three of you
watching the same show very often.
81
00:04:19,568 --> 00:04:23,113
What's going on?
Pavarotti jumping the Grand Canyon?
82
00:04:23,489 --> 00:04:26,492
It's Antique Roadshow.
Oh, what you got in the box?
83
00:04:26,658 --> 00:04:28,408
It's Donny's mother's wedding gown.
84
00:04:28,494 --> 00:04:31,594
He wants me to wear it at our wedding.
What if I don't like it?
85
00:04:31,748 --> 00:04:33,708
If you wanna try it on, we'll have a look.
86
00:04:33,792 --> 00:04:34,918
Just go put it on.
87
00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:36,961
Oh, Dad. Dad, turn it up.
88
00:04:37,170 --> 00:04:41,091
WOMAN 2: But the real masterwork
is this unique Art Deco headboard.
89
00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:43,219
It features a variety of veneers.
90
00:04:43,385 --> 00:04:45,304
ALL: Veneer.
91
00:04:46,639 --> 00:04:47,848
WOMAN 2: Mahogany veneer.
92
00:04:47,932 --> 00:04:49,266
Veneer.
93
00:04:49,934 --> 00:04:51,436
WOMAN 2: Burled-walnut veneer.
94
00:04:51,645 --> 00:04:52,938
Veneer.
95
00:04:54,064 --> 00:04:55,564
WOMAN 2: And zebrawood veneer.
96
00:04:55,649 --> 00:04:57,359
-NILES: Oh, yeah.
-Veneer.
97
00:04:59,319 --> 00:05:00,695
WOMAN 3: And now back to our sponsor…
98
00:05:00,779 --> 00:05:03,825
Oh, God.
Next week, we gotta pick a different word.
99
00:05:04,534 --> 00:05:07,084
WOMAN 3: Are they trash or treasure?
We'll find out.
100
00:05:07,245 --> 00:05:08,645
Need another bottle of wine.
101
00:05:08,746 --> 00:05:13,043
Yeah, me too.
I love these educational shows.
102
00:05:14,795 --> 00:05:17,005
You know, I can't get over Dad.
103
00:05:17,172 --> 00:05:19,672
It seems that this rift
between us has been mended.
104
00:05:19,758 --> 00:05:21,958
Can you believe, he
used the word "craftsman"
105
00:05:22,094 --> 00:05:26,015
and he meant the architectural
style and not the rotary sander.
106
00:05:27,892 --> 00:05:29,643
-That's uncanny.
-Well, you heard him.
107
00:05:29,727 --> 00:05:33,147
No, no, not that.
You just said "rotary sander."
108
00:05:35,025 --> 00:05:38,237
-Dad, did we miss anything?
-No, just some bozo with a credenza
109
00:05:38,404 --> 00:05:41,198
who doesn't know a
Biedermeier from an Oscar Mayer.
110
00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:45,453
MAN 3: That's it for this week. See
you next time on the Antiques Roadshow.
111
00:05:45,620 --> 00:05:48,206
ANNOUNCER: Next Saturday,
the Roadshow will be here in Seattle.
112
00:05:48,290 --> 00:05:49,123
Oh!
113
00:05:49,207 --> 00:05:50,833
ANNOUNCER: Viewers
can bring their treasures
114
00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:52,710
to the convention center for appraisal.
115
00:05:52,794 --> 00:05:55,171
-We ought to go. That'd be great.
-Sure, Dad.
116
00:05:55,338 --> 00:05:56,840
-It does sound like fun.
-MARTIN: Yeah.
117
00:05:56,924 --> 00:05:59,802
I'm gonna go have a little
root-around in my closet.
118
00:05:59,969 --> 00:06:04,015
I'll bet I can find a nice little
objet d'art they'll be interested in.
119
00:06:05,850 --> 00:06:10,647
It's as if that panhandler I gave money
to was a genie, granting all my wishes.
120
00:06:11,398 --> 00:06:14,401
Would you marry me in this?
121
00:06:18,238 --> 00:06:19,991
How much did you give him?
122
00:06:22,452 --> 00:06:24,829
It's attractive, Daphne.
It's a bit unorthodox.
123
00:06:24,996 --> 00:06:26,581
Yeah, that's what I think.
124
00:06:26,956 --> 00:06:30,044
Donny?
I've just put your mom's wedding dress on.
125
00:06:30,252 --> 00:06:32,129
A miniskirt? It's obscene.
126
00:06:32,296 --> 00:06:37,176
You can see… What?
No, I took the green box. Oh.
127
00:06:38,260 --> 00:06:40,513
No problem, then. Bye.
128
00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:42,140
I took the wrong dress.
129
00:06:42,349 --> 00:06:46,269
This is from his mother's third
marriage in 1968 in Las Vegas.
130
00:06:51,066 --> 00:06:53,816
Can you believe people
actually used to dress like this?
131
00:06:53,903 --> 00:06:56,655
NILES: I wish I had a picture of
it for whenever I needed a laugh.
132
00:06:56,739 --> 00:06:58,115
FRASIER: Niles.
133
00:07:05,832 --> 00:07:09,252
MARTIN: This bear clock's been in
the family for generations. I can't wait.
134
00:07:09,336 --> 00:07:11,421
Do you think they'll
put a dollar figure on it?
135
00:07:11,505 --> 00:07:13,341
That sounds about right.
136
00:07:13,633 --> 00:07:14,884
Very funny.
137
00:07:15,051 --> 00:07:16,886
Your grandpa passed this down to me,
138
00:07:17,053 --> 00:07:19,097
and someday it'll be passed on to you.
139
00:07:19,263 --> 00:07:22,058
Dad, please, I don't even
wanna think about that day.
140
00:07:22,225 --> 00:07:24,394
I gotta go see if I can
get this baby appraised.
141
00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:25,896
All right.
142
00:07:26,730 --> 00:07:28,565
Oh, I am so sorry,
143
00:07:28,732 --> 00:07:32,403
on the way in I had the most amazing
celebrity sighting: Hans Dietrich.
144
00:07:32,611 --> 00:07:34,561
-The love-seat expert.
-The very same.
145
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:35,699
Oh!
146
00:07:35,865 --> 00:07:38,868
He's much smaller in person
than on television. He's that big.
147
00:07:38,952 --> 00:07:39,995
-Get out.
-Yeah.
148
00:07:40,203 --> 00:07:43,122
Boys, come over here.
They wanna put me and the clock on TV.
149
00:07:43,206 --> 00:07:46,085
Good Lord, we can't appear
on TV with that hideous thing.
150
00:07:46,293 --> 00:07:48,504
Everyone we know watches this program.
151
00:07:48,713 --> 00:07:50,881
Well, thank God he didn't bring along
152
00:07:51,048 --> 00:07:54,051
that mountain jackrabbit's
head with the antelope horns.
153
00:07:54,218 --> 00:07:56,095
Yes, the jackalope. Hmm.
154
00:07:57,055 --> 00:07:59,099
Texas' answer to the minotaur.
155
00:07:59,307 --> 00:08:03,107
So what do you think about it? They
said they've never seen anything like it.
156
00:08:03,228 --> 00:08:05,228
Dad, you know, this could go either way.
157
00:08:05,355 --> 00:08:06,857
I know. Don't worry about it.
158
00:08:07,024 --> 00:08:09,652
I'm not gonna act like one
of those saps I make fun of.
159
00:08:09,736 --> 00:08:12,864
It doesn't matter if it's worth
$2 or $2,000, I'm just gonna say:
160
00:08:13,031 --> 00:08:16,284
-"That's pretty much what I figured."
-Tape's rolling.
161
00:08:16,451 --> 00:08:20,372
Oh, okay. Okay, guys, which one
of you wants to come and hold it?
162
00:08:20,539 --> 00:08:22,750
No, no, Dad, we wouldn't dream of it.
163
00:08:23,167 --> 00:08:24,209
This is your moment.
164
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,712
STAGE MANAGER: Everybody ready? Action.
165
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:30,050
So, Martin, what can you
tell us about this pewter clock?
166
00:08:30,216 --> 00:08:35,680
Well, it is a clock set in the
stomach of what appears to be a bear.
167
00:08:36,556 --> 00:08:38,683
APPRAISER: Actually,
it's much more than that.
168
00:08:38,767 --> 00:08:41,187
It's Russian, made in
the mid-19th century.
169
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,440
That's pretty much what I figured.
170
00:08:45,274 --> 00:08:46,874
Actually, it's a stunning piece.
171
00:08:46,984 --> 00:08:50,738
It was made by Andrei Kuragin,
who worked for tsar Alexander II.
172
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:53,366
That is pretty much what I figured.
173
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:56,160
I don't know if you're descended
from the Romanovs, Martin,
174
00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,246
but all of Kuragin's known bear clocks
175
00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:00,832
were done exclusively
for the Romanov family
176
00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:04,796
and are now in the Hermitage
Museum in Saint Petersburg.
177
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:11,177
Martin, you may be surprised
to learn that this clock at auction
178
00:09:11,344 --> 00:09:14,723
would easily bring $25,000.
179
00:09:15,390 --> 00:09:16,934
Ka-ching!
180
00:09:19,561 --> 00:09:24,441
What he means is, that's
pretty much what we figured.
181
00:09:28,279 --> 00:09:30,865
-FRASIER: After you, Dad.
-MARTIN: Thank you.
182
00:09:31,032 --> 00:09:33,032
Gosh, Dad, you know, I've been thinking.
183
00:09:33,159 --> 00:09:36,789
Maybe we ought to find an
appropriate place for the clock.
184
00:09:36,956 --> 00:09:39,083
How about right here on this console?
185
00:09:39,250 --> 00:09:41,710
Oh, yes. I get it.
186
00:09:41,877 --> 00:09:46,257
It doesn't look quite so bad to you guys
now that you know it's worth 25 grand.
187
00:09:46,632 --> 00:09:50,554
Oh, I could kick myself for
not bringing that jackalope.
188
00:09:54,558 --> 00:09:57,208
-Quite an amazing day, eh?
-FRASIER: it certainly was.
189
00:09:57,602 --> 00:10:00,302
I've been meaning to ask
you about something, actually.
190
00:10:00,398 --> 00:10:02,483
Remember when that
appraiser said something
191
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:05,528
about the bear being from
Russia, and Dad being part
192
00:10:05,695 --> 00:10:09,283
-of the Romanov family?
-Yeah, yeah, that struck my ear too.
193
00:10:09,449 --> 00:10:12,327
Yes. I don't seriously believe
there's any real chance of that.
194
00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:15,163
-No, of course not. It's impossible.
-It's a long shot at best.
195
00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:18,208
-Although we do have the bear.
-I know.
196
00:10:19,209 --> 00:10:23,923
Oh, Dad, Niles just reminded me of
something I had completely forgotten.
197
00:10:24,507 --> 00:10:27,407
When the appraiser mentioned
that the bear was from Russia.
198
00:10:27,552 --> 00:10:30,597
Yeah, it probably got passed down
through your great-great-grandmother.
199
00:10:30,681 --> 00:10:31,765
She was from Russia.
200
00:10:31,974 --> 00:10:37,563
Aha. And he said something
about the Romanov family?
201
00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:40,441
Oh, yeah, that, huh?
202
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:43,945
-Sure you wanna hear about this?
-Yes, Dad.
203
00:10:45,780 --> 00:10:49,367
Well, I guess you would've
found out anyway after I died.
204
00:10:50,202 --> 00:10:52,120
We're royalty.
205
00:11:00,838 --> 00:11:03,216
But I didn't want you to grow up spoiled,
206
00:11:03,382 --> 00:11:08,680
so I abdicated and took a job
in Seattle on the police force.
207
00:11:09,723 --> 00:11:12,392
It was kind of hard giving
up that royal way of life,
208
00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:16,397
but I think maybe it's the
swans that I miss most.
209
00:11:18,816 --> 00:11:20,716
FRASIER: Very funny, Dad. Point taken.
210
00:11:20,818 --> 00:11:22,070
-Sherry, Niles?
-Please.
211
00:11:22,237 --> 00:11:23,654
MARTIN: Sorry to disappoint you.
212
00:11:23,738 --> 00:11:26,491
I know you'd rather be anything
in the world except Cranes.
213
00:11:26,575 --> 00:11:28,744
Oh, Dad. Now, that is just not true.
214
00:11:28,911 --> 00:11:30,871
We are proud to be Cranes.
215
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,874
It was just innocent curiosity.
216
00:11:34,083 --> 00:11:38,672
Well, I gotta go call Duke.
But don't excited, he's not a real duke.
217
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,760
Well, we stepped in it that time.
218
00:11:43,927 --> 00:11:46,846
Yes. What the hell is wrong with us?
219
00:11:47,055 --> 00:11:49,605
Asking whether or not we're
related to the Romanovs.
220
00:11:49,725 --> 00:11:52,895
We'd just gotten past this
whole "Crane shame" thing.
221
00:11:53,229 --> 00:11:56,941
-We should've known it'd upset him.
-Yes, and for what?
222
00:11:57,108 --> 00:12:00,988
Trying to find some
distant connection to royalty.
223
00:12:01,196 --> 00:12:03,365
Even if we could prove
it, what do we have?
224
00:12:03,532 --> 00:12:06,368
Huh. A story to tell at parties.
225
00:12:06,576 --> 00:12:10,498
-An occasional seat at a state dinner.
-Some meaningless title. It's insane.
226
00:12:10,707 --> 00:12:13,626
-Ridiculous.
-Destructive.
227
00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:17,380
-Still, there is this grandmother.
-I'm right behind you.
228
00:12:18,131 --> 00:12:21,552
You know, Niles, given our
new pride in the Crane name,
229
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:25,180
perhaps it would behoove
us to research our family tree.
230
00:12:25,389 --> 00:12:27,516
-In a way, we'd be honoring Dad.
-Yes.
231
00:12:27,683 --> 00:12:29,810
-We wouldn't need to tell him.
-No. No.
232
00:12:29,977 --> 00:12:34,316
Just a few hours on the
Internet, a trip to the library.
233
00:12:34,482 --> 00:12:36,582
We could sketch in the entire family tree.
234
00:12:36,776 --> 00:12:40,571
Sure. And if there should happen
to be a connection to the Romanovs…
235
00:12:40,655 --> 00:12:43,409
Well, what harm is there in that?
236
00:12:43,617 --> 00:12:46,954
Oh, God, it is amusing to
contemplate, isn't it, Niles?
237
00:12:47,163 --> 00:12:48,789
You, me, Dad,
238
00:12:49,832 --> 00:12:54,546
all part of an ancient and noble family.
239
00:12:54,755 --> 00:12:57,257
MARTIN: Okay, Eddie, the
jackalope's gonna get you.
240
00:12:57,424 --> 00:13:01,928
The jackalope is gonna get you.
The jackalope is…
241
00:13:09,687 --> 00:13:10,813
Hey, Frasier,
242
00:13:10,980 --> 00:13:12,880
-how's the research going?
-Sit down,
243
00:13:12,982 --> 00:13:16,282
-I'll bring you up to speed.
-No, thank you. I'm meeting someone.
244
00:13:17,321 --> 00:13:21,033
Dear God, not one of
your Internet dalliances.
245
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,202
Oh, it's just coffee, okay?
246
00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:25,870
Besides, this guy's totally legit.
He emailed me a picture.
247
00:13:25,954 --> 00:13:28,291
A picture?
What can you learn from a picture?
248
00:13:28,458 --> 00:13:31,878
The man's probably a lunatic, a
psychopath. Oh! He's a pretty boy.
249
00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:34,964
-Yeah.
-FRASIER: Wait a minute.
250
00:13:35,340 --> 00:13:36,633
I know this photo.
251
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,220
It's the cover of this
month's Bidwell's catalog.
252
00:13:40,304 --> 00:13:41,889
-Are you sure?
-I'm positive.
253
00:13:42,056 --> 00:13:45,226
I ordered those socks and driving shoes.
254
00:13:45,851 --> 00:13:47,269
Why would someone do this?
255
00:13:47,436 --> 00:13:49,731
He's probably some insecure would-be Romeo
256
00:13:49,898 --> 00:13:51,608
trying to lure you into a meeting.
257
00:13:51,775 --> 00:13:56,029
-Hello, Frasier.
-Noel.
258
00:13:56,196 --> 00:13:58,698
What have we here?
An empty seat next to yours.
259
00:13:58,907 --> 00:14:00,368
-May I?
-[SHOUTS] No!
260
00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:03,871
Of all the dumbass things you've
done to try to get me to go out with you,
261
00:14:03,955 --> 00:14:06,749
emailing me this picture
is just the most moronic.
262
00:14:06,916 --> 00:14:08,709
-But, Roz…
-ROZ: Forget it, buddy.
263
00:14:08,793 --> 00:14:12,088
I'll take your mouse cord and
wrap it around your nerdy little neck
264
00:14:12,172 --> 00:14:16,176
until your eyes pop out
like champagne corks.
265
00:14:16,927 --> 00:14:18,512
But I didn't send you this.
266
00:14:18,679 --> 00:14:20,055
Yeah, right. Then who did?
267
00:14:21,141 --> 00:14:23,184
My guess would be that guy.
268
00:14:24,185 --> 00:14:25,353
[ROZ GASPS]
269
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:29,482
Oh, my God. Noel. Noel, I'm so sorry.
270
00:14:29,941 --> 00:14:33,070
-How sorry?
-Not that sorry.
271
00:14:36,657 --> 00:14:39,201
I just saw the Bidwell's guy.
272
00:14:40,119 --> 00:14:44,624
-So, Niles, how goes the research?
-I think you're gonna be very pleased.
273
00:14:44,833 --> 00:14:46,334
According to this catalog,
274
00:14:46,543 --> 00:14:50,922
the bear clock was last
seen in Moscow in 1879.
275
00:14:51,089 --> 00:14:52,966
Well, hold on to your fur hat, Niles.
276
00:14:54,552 --> 00:14:58,306
I've discovered that our great-great-
grandmother emigrated from Russia,
277
00:14:58,514 --> 00:15:00,266
1879.
278
00:15:00,558 --> 00:15:05,063
Oh, my God. It's all coming together.
I can practically picture the scene.
279
00:15:05,230 --> 00:15:09,985
Yes. Our great-great-grandmother,
smelling revolution in the wind,
280
00:15:10,152 --> 00:15:13,655
secretly slips away in
the black Russian night.
281
00:15:13,822 --> 00:15:16,700
Taking the bear clock with
her to remind her of richer days.
282
00:15:16,784 --> 00:15:17,827
FRASIER: Yes.
283
00:15:18,453 --> 00:15:22,165
The ticking hands of time
counting down her return,
284
00:15:22,415 --> 00:15:26,586
her royal power merely hibernating.
285
00:15:28,881 --> 00:15:30,799
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
286
00:15:32,676 --> 00:15:35,304
Yes? Yes, yes, I'll hold.
287
00:15:35,471 --> 00:15:37,431
-Who is it?
-It's Dr. Myshkin.
288
00:15:37,682 --> 00:15:41,102
He's an attaché at the Russian embassy.
An expert on the Romanovs.
289
00:15:41,269 --> 00:15:42,869
-Oh!
-FRASIER: Yes, Dr. Myshkin.
290
00:15:43,230 --> 00:15:45,941
This evening would be fine.
291
00:15:46,149 --> 00:15:47,734
Uh, about 7:00?
292
00:15:47,943 --> 00:15:49,793
Yes, I live at the Elliot Bay Towers.
293
00:15:49,946 --> 00:15:52,156
We'll see you then.
294
00:15:52,365 --> 00:15:54,450
He has some important information for us.
295
00:15:54,659 --> 00:15:56,619
Oh, my God, Niles. This is it.
296
00:15:56,953 --> 00:16:02,834
The final link to our royal past.
I'm going to issue a press release.
297
00:16:03,168 --> 00:16:05,337
Not before I shout it from the rooftops.
298
00:16:05,546 --> 00:16:07,881
Oh, here's Dad. Hide everything.
299
00:16:09,091 --> 00:16:11,041
Hey, guys. I thought I'd find you here.
300
00:16:11,135 --> 00:16:13,635
You missed seeing yourself
on the Antique Roadshow.
301
00:16:13,721 --> 00:16:16,071
Yeah.
And the phone's been ringing off the hook.
302
00:16:16,182 --> 00:16:18,643
Everybody wants to buy that bear clock.
303
00:16:18,810 --> 00:16:21,605
-You're not thinking of selling it?
-You're damn right.
304
00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:23,857
Some guy offered me 26,000 for it.
305
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,902
I'm gonna buy me a
big honking fishing boat.
306
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,863
A Wavepounder 450 with a fun deck,
307
00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:33,618
good for fishing, cruising
or just plain tubing.
308
00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:39,291
Did you hear that, Frasier?
We can go tubing. Do something.
309
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,649
You know, Dad, perhaps Niles
and I could sell the clock for you.
310
00:16:42,794 --> 00:16:45,172
I mean, we do know the antiques world,
311
00:16:45,339 --> 00:16:47,508
and, well, we could get
you more than 26,000.
312
00:16:47,592 --> 00:16:50,177
I should think at least, uh, 30,000.
313
00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:53,722
-Maybe I will let you boys handle this.
-FRASIER: It's a wise move, Dad.
314
00:16:53,806 --> 00:16:55,906
Yeah, we'd hate to see
you get manipulated.
315
00:17:04,484 --> 00:17:08,031
-MYSHKIN: Dr. Crane.
-Dr. Myshkin. Please, come in.
316
00:17:08,573 --> 00:17:10,116
This is my brother,
317
00:17:10,450 --> 00:17:11,784
Dr. Niles Crane.
318
00:17:11,951 --> 00:17:13,244
[CLICKS HEELS]
319
00:17:15,663 --> 00:17:16,999
The clock, there it is.
320
00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:19,668
-NILES: Yes.
-Yes. Please, have a look.
321
00:17:23,756 --> 00:17:26,425
-Is it authentic?
-Without a doubt.
322
00:17:26,842 --> 00:17:28,553
-Frasier?
-I know.
323
00:17:29,304 --> 00:17:30,930
FRASIER: Daphne, if you don't mind,
324
00:17:31,014 --> 00:17:34,225
there is some caviar
on the ice in the kitchen.
325
00:17:34,392 --> 00:17:36,852
Now would be the appropriate
time, if you would, please.
326
00:17:36,936 --> 00:17:39,273
Oh, I am so sorry.
327
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:44,737
Here I am dawdling with the laundry
when it's ten minutes into caviar time.
328
00:17:47,365 --> 00:17:50,665
As I mentioned, I have some
information interesting to your family.
329
00:17:50,827 --> 00:17:54,414
Yes, yes. Please, make yourself
comfortable. Do tell. Do tell.
330
00:17:54,581 --> 00:17:58,043
This is a copy of the diary
of Princess Sonya Romanov,
331
00:17:58,251 --> 00:18:00,672
daughter to tsar Alexander II.
332
00:18:00,922 --> 00:18:04,634
At 18, she fell in love with a commoner.
An American.
333
00:18:05,718 --> 00:18:07,887
Such a union would,
of course, be forbidden,
334
00:18:08,179 --> 00:18:10,932
but Sonya decided to
give everything up for love.
335
00:18:11,892 --> 00:18:13,852
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
336
00:18:14,395 --> 00:18:16,395
She enlisted the aid of a scullery maid,
337
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:20,109
who smuggled money, clothing
and this bear clock out of the palace.
338
00:18:20,317 --> 00:18:22,612
She would elope to America.
339
00:18:22,779 --> 00:18:23,947
Yes, that was her plan.
340
00:18:24,155 --> 00:18:28,243
But when Sonya found her way to
the train station under cover of night,
341
00:18:28,451 --> 00:18:31,913
the scullery maid had absconded
with everything, including the clock.
342
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:35,793
-Servants.
-There's a back aching for the lash.
343
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:39,505
I'm moving as fast as I can.
344
00:18:45,637 --> 00:18:48,640
But tell us, how did
we get our clock back?
345
00:18:48,849 --> 00:18:52,227
Yes, yes, yes. Tell us how did
Great-Great-Grandmama retrieve it?
346
00:18:52,436 --> 00:18:55,148
Drs. Crane, your
ancestor is not the princess.
347
00:18:55,314 --> 00:18:57,567
Your ancestor is the scullery maid.
348
00:19:02,071 --> 00:19:07,411
Well, on behalf of the Russian people,
I thank you for retrieving this for us.
349
00:19:07,619 --> 00:19:09,519
You mean you're just going to take it?
350
00:19:09,621 --> 00:19:11,456
Its place is in the Hermitage Museum.
351
00:19:11,540 --> 00:19:13,890
This clock's been in our
family for generations.
352
00:19:14,084 --> 00:19:15,586
-Niles.
-Dr. Crane,
353
00:19:15,836 --> 00:19:18,631
we could settle this in the
courts, but you wouldn't win.
354
00:19:18,715 --> 00:19:20,633
Do you want this to come out in the press?
355
00:19:20,717 --> 00:19:24,117
Do you expect us to let you walk
out with a precious family heirloom?
356
00:19:24,220 --> 00:19:25,638
Did I mention that your ancestor,
357
00:19:25,722 --> 00:19:28,100
before she married a Noah Crane in 1882,
358
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:30,978
worked as a prostitute in New York?
359
00:19:31,979 --> 00:19:33,439
Enjoy your bear.
360
00:19:36,192 --> 00:19:38,861
-Oh, hello.
-Dr. Proftry Myshkin.
361
00:19:39,029 --> 00:19:40,906
Marty Crane. I see you got the clock.
362
00:19:41,072 --> 00:19:43,200
That's right. Good evening, all.
363
00:19:43,366 --> 00:19:44,618
MARTIN: Bye.
364
00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:48,079
You sold it. Hope you got a good price.
365
00:19:48,872 --> 00:19:50,822
Gee, Dad, I hope you didn't buy a boat.
366
00:19:51,042 --> 00:19:52,335
No, I was thinking of it.
367
00:19:52,543 --> 00:19:54,962
Then I thought, hell, we've
been getting along so well,
368
00:19:55,046 --> 00:19:57,146
you don't like fishing
and you get seasick.
369
00:19:57,298 --> 00:20:02,387
Why buy something if we can't all
enjoy it, you know? So I bought this.
370
00:20:03,138 --> 00:20:06,099
-A Winnebago.
-MARTIN: Yeah.
371
00:20:08,018 --> 00:20:09,853
-A big one.
-MARTIN: Thirty-three footer
372
00:20:09,937 --> 00:20:11,737
with air suspension and power jacks.
373
00:20:11,898 --> 00:20:15,401
Thirty thousand, used, but you
got that much for the clock, right?
374
00:20:15,610 --> 00:20:17,862
-Of course.
-Oh, that's great.
375
00:20:18,071 --> 00:20:19,572
We can go anywhere.
376
00:20:19,739 --> 00:20:22,492
You know, the first place I
wanna go is Elmo, Nebraska.
377
00:20:22,659 --> 00:20:25,454
We got a whole mess of cousins down there.
378
00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:42,138
Well, we're out 15,000 each.
379
00:20:42,389 --> 00:20:45,893
And we have to take
long trips in a Winnebago.
380
00:20:53,943 --> 00:20:56,488
And we're not Romanovs.
381
00:20:57,322 --> 00:21:00,325
We're descended from thieves and whores.
382
00:21:06,666 --> 00:21:08,293
You know,
383
00:21:08,835 --> 00:21:12,255
I remember reading that
Henry James once had a liaison
384
00:21:12,422 --> 00:21:15,174
with a Russian prostitute in New York.
385
00:21:15,425 --> 00:21:17,678
I'm right behind you.