[THEME SONG PLAYING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[FRASIER GRUNTS]
-Hello? -MAN 1 [ON PHONE]: Dr. Crane?
-Yes, who's this? -Dr. Kaufman.
Bob Kaufman of the National Psychotherapy Institute.
Oh, my gosh, it's 6:15 in the morning your time.
I hope I didn't wake you.
No, no, no, I was up. Uh, where did you say you're calling from?
The National Psychotherapy Institute. In Saddle River, New Jersey?
FRASIER: Oh, yes, of course.
-Uh, what can I do for you? -For Pete's sake. No one called you?
You've won our Radio Therapist of the Year Award. Congratulations.
Well, thank you.
Of course, the work itself is honor enough.
Thank you. And I'm sorry about the mix-up.
The problem is, we're gonna need pictures of you
so we can get started on the statue.
-Statue? -For our Hall of Thinkers?
Angie, he never got the packet.
-Uh, is there anything I can do? -Well, it's a little late now,
but maybe if you described your body,
we could get started on the preliminary carving.
The sculptor's right here. Fortunately, we got the Gustav Brumholt.
Oh, my.
[GERMAN ACCENT] Yeah, Dr. Crane, please, yeah?
FRASIER: Yes, yes, this is Dr. Crane speaking.
Herr Brumholt, may I say, it's quite an honor.
MAN 2: Yeah, yeah, we have your face, very handsome.
-But I need you to describe your body. -FRASIER: Yes, of course. Um…
Six foot one. Um…
Medium build.
Broad shoulders.
-Sublimely proportioned. -MAN 2: Yeah.
That's good, but before I order my marble,
I need you to describe your, um, how do I say this, your… Where you sit, yeah?
Oh, my posterior, yes. Well, that is a little sensitive, isn't it?
MAN 2: Oh, you don't want to tell me? I understand. It's a big one?
No, no, no, no, I didn't say that.
MAN 2: Angie, order the big marble, please, yeah.
No, no, could you please put Dr. Kaufman back on?
MAN 2: No, I have a better idea.
Why don't you send us a picture
[LOSES ACCENT] of your immense hind quarters,
and send them to KACL's new morning team
[IN UNISON] Carlos and The Chicken.
Bock-bock-bock! Bock!
Dr. Kaufman?
Angie?
-Morning. -Good morning, Dr. Crane.
You won't believe what just happened to me.
-I was the victim of a radio prank. -Oh, that's terrible.
It's a sad day when getting a man to describe his own behind
passes as humor.
[LAUGHING]
-You heard the whole thing, didn't you? -Ja
[NORMAL VOICE] I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, but they can be funny.
Oh, that's all right, Daphne.
Carlos and The Chicken are the sort of performers
who keep popping up on the radio these days.
So-called humorists who rely on cruel pranks and scatological references.
That's the sort of thing that passes for entertainment.
Perhaps it's just a generational thing.
Man, they got you good.
The Chicken was on fire. What a great bit.
-Yeah, I think it'll be Bit of the Day. -That's it. I'm going back to bed.
Wait a minute. Do you think you could get me a tape of the show?
FRASIER: What on earth for?
How often do you get to hear your son on the radio?
I'm on the radio every day!
Thank you very much. Hello, Roz.
I suppose you've heard about my unscheduled appearance
on KACL's new morning show today?
-No, what happened? -The less said about it, the better.
Come on, why don't you pull up a couple of chairs and tell me about it?
Was everyone in Seattle listening at 6:00 in the morning?
They do it at 6:00? I heard the replay at 8:00.
I heard it at 9:15.
Congratulations, you were Bit of the Day.
Oh, Lord, I thought the entire thing was rude and childish.
Well, you're just mad because you fell for it.
-Come on, Frasier, Hall of Thinkers? -FRASIER: Well,
it's not such a bad idea.
In a society where we glorify our athletes and rock musicians.
I think maybe we should… Well, it was early. I'm sorry.
Hey, look, that's them over there with Kenny.
Wow, the Chicken's a lot cuter than on his billboards.
Of course, he's not squatting in a feather suit,
trying to hatch Carlos' head.
You know, I think I might go over there and introduce myself.
I don't know what you're thinking, but don't.
I'm gonna go over and let them know what they did today
was completely unacceptable.
Frasier, I know guys like this. Once they know they can rattle you,
they never stop. Take your lumps and laugh it off.
Roz, I'm thoroughly capable of laughing it off.
I wanna let them know I don't appreciate
being made the punch line at my own station.
I'm gonna go and tell them
from now on, I don't want any part of their shenanigans.
Oh, God, please don't say shenanigans.
FRASIER: Hello, Kenny.
I believe introductions are in order.
Oh, right. Dr. Frasier Crane, this is the Chicken and Carlos.
-Uh… Uh… -What?
We're actually called Carlos and the Chicken.
Yes, well, nice to meet you boys. Uh, about this morning…
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't wanna see any feathers flying here.
Just kidding.
Dr. Crane, I hope we didn't go too far. We love your show.
Really?
-You're listeners? -Oh, yeah, yeah, we're big fans.
And the last thing we wanna do is step on your toes.
Well, you know, you do tread a fine line with your style of comedy,
but perhaps you can be excused for stomping on it
rather exuberantly on your first day.
Keep in mind in the future that this station has a certain "pecking" order.
[ALL LAUGHING]
We totally get it, Dr. Crane.
-It felt wrong when we did it. -FRASIER: Oh, well.
It sure did. Sure you're not upset or anything?
Oh, no, no, no. No harm, no fowl.
[ALL LAUGHING]
It was great meeting you, Dr. Crane.
Likewise. Hey, listen, call me Frasier.
But don't call me at home.
Ha-ha. Dr. Crane? We're listening.
-Is it over? I couldn't look. -For God's sake, Roz,
have a little faith in me. After all, I do reason with people for a living.
It's all settled.
They're good kids, really.
Quite sensible, actually.
Yeah, if you go for over-sexed, beer-belching frat boy types,
which I do. Was the Chicken wearing a wedding ring?
You know, I really did overreact this morning, I think.
After all, it was sort of cute, I suppose. Ha-ha.
Hall of Thinkers.
Never let it be said that Frasier Crane is the kind of man
who's incapable of laughing at himself.
-These are for you. -Oh. Ha, ha, ha.
Yes, I see, some patron has sent me some sticky buns.
That's very funny… Very funny, indeed.
-You ordered those, sir. -Oh, so I did.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
No kidding? He's flying you to Vegas for the fight?
That's a great son you got there, Duke.
-Morning, Dr. Crane. -Hello, Daphne.
Dad. Frasier, I thought you might like to join me,
I'm going down to Abigail's to have my crêpe pans re-seasoned.
Gosh, I'd love to, Niles, but I've just drawn myself a nice herbal bath.
Uh, no, no, it's just Daphne. She's watching PBS.
Okay, I'll talk to you later, Duke.
Does the whole world have to know what goes on in this house?
-Help yourself to some coffee, Niles. -Thank you.
How do you know it's time to have your crêpe pan seasoned, anyway?
It can be confusing. But this may help:
"Saucepans in summer, crêpe pans in fall,
when winter's upon us, there's food for us all."
[PHONE RINGING]
Whoever it is, I am not home. I am not here.
-Hello? -MAN: Yeah, is Dr. Crane there?
-No, actually, he's taking a bath. -Who's this?
-His brother, Niles. -Oh, okay.
Well, see, this is the building superintendent.
[WHINY VOICE] I'm in the bathroom just below his,
and I think the pipes are getting corroded.
Is your brother putting anything unusual in his bath?
I'm not exactly sure what he puts in his bath. Better let me ask him.
-I smell a bit. -Put the radio on.
♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪
Frasier?
♪ Simply because you're near me ♪
NILES: Frasier,
what do you put in your bath?
You know very well it's a proprietary blend, Niles.
No, no, no, it's your super. There's something corroding the pipes
in the unit below you. He thinks it may be something in your tub.
Hello, yes, I'm sure it's not my fault, but if you insist, I use, um…
Jasmine, lavender, rose hips, and a little Tahitian vanilla.
THE CHICKEN: Well, that sounds okay.
Boy, with a bath like that, I bet the ladies sure go for you though, huh?
Yes, well, love does enter through the nose.
The neighbors down here have been complaining
about a little sound bleed-through. I think we got a bad tile.
I sure would like to check. I heard you singing through the phone earlier.
Do you think you could, I don't know, do it again?
Uh, all right. Um…
♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪
♪ Simply because you're near me ♪
Yeah, that's great. I definitely heard some bleed-through.
You know, I could isolate the tile if you could just walk around a little bit
while you sang, or maybe if you could stomp around, that'd be great.
Stomp around?
THE CHICKEN: If it's too much trouble,
I could send my assistant, Jimmy, up.
Lord, no, no, no, please. That's just fine.
Leave Jimmy where he is. I don't need an audience
-while I'm singing in the bathtub. -I appreciate this.
We'll get this all cleared up in a jiffy.
Thanks a lot, Dr. Crane.
FRASIER: Give me a second, I'll tell you when I'm ready.
All right, I'm ready. Here goes.
♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪
♪ Simply because you're near me ♪
♪ Funny but when you're near me ♪
♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪
THE CHICKEN: Oh, my God, the whole ceiling's falling down.
-Oh, good Lord. Oh, good Lord. -Ouch. Oh.
Niles, be careful. The whole ceiling's caving in.
THE CHICKEN: Hey, listen, I think we found out what the problem is.
[NORMAL VOICE] It's that humongous ass of yours.
Listeners, Carlos and the Chicken are offering $1000
for the best picture of Frasier Crane's humongous ass for our website.
SINGERS [ON RECORDING]: ♪ Frasier Crane's Humongous Ass Contest ♪
-Oh, dear God. -NILES: Now, now,
don't worry, it won't get you down for long. You've always had a thick skin.
Unless that Tahitian vanilla softens you up a bit.
Get out.
-FRASIER: Leave me alone. -[CAMERAS CLICKING]
For God's sake, have some respect.
Was that Mrs. Kurtzman?
She dropped her medication in the hallway.
As I stooped to pick it up, out came her camera like an assassin's blade.
Well, if she wants to control those blood clots, she'll cough up that film.
-You're really getting riled up. -I certainly am.
Come on. They're just pranks. Back on the force,
we used to do stuff like this all the time.
We'd fill a guy's hat with shaving cream or nail his shoes to the floor.
Sometimes we'd get a guy dead drunk, leave him in a drawer in the morgue.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
You know, Dad, I might have been able to laugh it off
if all of Seattle hadn't started stalking me with cameras.
Quickly, Niles, inside. Come on.
Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting?
That was you? Sorry, I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt.
How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.
I'm talking about Carlos and the Chicken.
NILES: Oh, yes, their little contest.
I can't believe anyone's taking that seriously.
Well, they won't be for much longer. I've decided it's time to fight back.
I was up till all hours last night
crafting my response to those two idiots.
I believe I have arrived at a masterful rebuttal.
I'm not sure you wanna call it your rebuttal.
Oh, I see your Bartlett's is out. You're not pulling any punches.
Hardly. I go in swinging with La Rochefoucauld.
"If we had no faults of our own,
we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others."
Ouch.
Just as I've got them reeling, I go in with a jab of Dorothy Parker.
"Wit has truth in it, wisecracking is merely calisthenics with words."
Pow!
Just as they're bloodied and against the ropes, I go in for the kill
with Twain, Wilde, Twain, Twain, Mencken.
-It's not a fight, it's an execution. -FRASIER: Come on.
You know, Frasier, if you go and read that on the air,
you're gonna set yourself up for a year of abuse.
This kind of thing is probably why those guys started picking on you.
Fine, Dad. What exactly are you saying?
I somehow managed to bring all this misery on myself?
No, I'm not saying that. I'm just…
Well, have you ever wondered
why these bullies have always kind of zeroed in on you two?
No, we don't wonder why. We know the reason.
-Jealousy. -Jealousy.
Okay, there's a little bit of that too, but you know,
you kind of give people the impression that you're above them.
-Pish tosh. -Poppycock.
-Morning, Daphne. -Oh, Daphne. Tell me,
you think we're snobby, superior and condescending?
That's it. I'm getting me door soundproofed.
MARTIN: You see what I mean?
People think you're stuffy.
You know, with your opera parties and your wine parties
and your seasoned crêpe pans.
In my defense, Niles is the only one who has ever seasoned his crêpe pans.
Which is precisely why I've had the same set since the ninth grade,
thank you very much.
My point is you guys could never resist putting on airs.
Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV program,
The Avengers. You used to run all over the neighborhood
pretending you were that guy with the umbrella. Steve.
-Steed. -Dad.
FRASIER: There were worse role models.
Steed was dapper, witty. When anyone tried to give him grief,
he gave them a sound thrashing with his umbrella.
Great, that's fine, admire him if you want,
but did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats?
I mean, you were just begging to get beat up.
Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it?
I remember getting a chinstrap so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.
And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor in National Velvet.
But, look, my point is you go down to the station and read that over the air,
then you might as well go down there in a great big bowler hat.
And those people are never gonna let you forget it.
It's funny hearing you talk about The Avengers.
My first Halloween in America,
I went to a party dressed as Mrs. Peel,
head-to-toe in that skin-tight black leather catsuit.
Come to think of it, I still have it somewhere.
And Halloween's coming up.
An old catsuit? Better not let this guy hear you talk about that, he'll go nuts.
I would not.
Be surprised if he did. Ho, ho, ho!
[PHONE RINGS]
FRASIER: Excuse me.
Hello? All right, Roz, yes, just calm down.
No, no, I'm not listening. Hang on a second.
FRASIER [ON RADIO]: Roz.
Oh, dear God.
CARLOS: I think we're gonna have to throw a bucket of water on these two.
THE CHICKEN: Roz and Frasier stop by for a quick hello.
Next thing you know, they're getting it on right in the booth.
[MOANING ON RADIO]
-FRASIER [ON RECORDING]: Roz. -ROZ [ON RECORDING]: Frasier.
-FRASIER: Roz. -ROZ: Frasier.
FRASIER: We have time to squeeze in one more?
ROZ: Plenty of time, Frasier. Two more minutes.
You know, for a man carrying around a good 50 extra pounds of ass,
Frasier Crane has got unbelievable stamina.
Frasier, where do you get your energy?
FRASIER: Lavender, rose hips and a little Tahitian vanilla.
My God, they're changing positions. I've never seen that one before.
FRASIER: Love does enter through the nose.
[MOANING OVER RADIO]
FRASIER: I'll call you back, Roz.
-I'm going down there. -MARTIN: Frasier.
I'm gonna teach those two a lesson they'll not soon forget.
-Where's my umbrella? -Oh, no, not that again.
Not the umbrella. I'm begging you.
It's raining.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
No, no. Stop it.
-Roz, what are you doing here? -I'm getting revenge, that's what.
-Roz, come here. Stop it. -These guys are going down.
Did you hear the disgusting, vile things they said about me?
-Just the part about us having sex. -Exactly.
Not only that, they've got a photo contest about me now too.
A thousand dollars for a shot of your behind? Oh, I'm sorry.
No, it's 50 bucks and a six-pack.
And there were seven winners before I even left the house.
-Sorry. -Frasier, what should we do?
We could slash their tires,
-crack their windshields… -I was thinking of
-a more direct approach. -I'm down with that.
I'll get the Chicken, you take the big guy.
-That's not it. -I knew you'd say that,
-fine, I'll take the big guy. -No, no, Roz, stop it.
Listen to yourself. You're lusting for blood like a barbarian.
I have a more civilized approach in mind. I have composed a speech.
-A speech? -Yes.
Unless you plan to roll it up and cram it down their throats,
-what good is that gonna do? -You just watch and see.
No, Frasier, they're never gonna stop making fun of you.
Roz, I don't care. I've just figured out something.
Maybe you can't stop bullies from attacking you,
but the only way they win is if they change who you are.
Let them do their work,
they will not knock the bowler off of this head.
What does that mean?
Holy cow, look who just walked into the booth.
Frasier Crane, the automatic sex pilot.
What's up, Love Doctor?
Oh, I think you two know what's up.
There's only so much I can take, only so much anyone can take
from a juvenile comic and his straight man.
I believe it was La Rochefoucauld who first said…
I'll take my straight man over your sex-starved producer any day.
-Okay, buddy. -Roz, Roz, Roz, let me handle this.
Hey, wait a second. I'm not your straight man.
-If anything, I'm the funny one. -Let's not start with this again.
You're the one who just started it. On the air.
It was La Rochefoucauld who first said…
You know, you know, you always do this.
Hey, Carlos, the therapist said not to use the word "always."
I wish you could say I'm as funny as you are.
Well, I wish I could say that too, but who does all the funny voices?
-La Rochefoucauld once said… -CARLOS: if I'm so unfunny,
-how come I get offered solo gigs? -Oh, well, now I'm laughing. Ha-ha!
Don't believe me, ask our agent.
You talked to Zachary behind my back?
-If I could get a word… -I'll tell you what,
you think you can go out on your own, go ahead. Be my guest.
Great. Because I don't need you and I don't need Carlos and the Chicken.
-Really? Well, best of luck, funny boy. -Same to you, Duane.
Hey, man, that is not cool.
Chicken, I believe it was La Rochefoucauld,
-the great French thinker… -Would you give it a rest, double wide?
I went to grad school too.
And PS, it's pronounced "La Rochefoucauld."
That's it. Nobody corrects my French pronunciation, you son of a bitch.
Chicken. Come on, did you have to be so vicious?
-Me? -Oh, we got dead air. Just…
-Right. Right. -Take over.
Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane.
I'll be filling in for the last hour of the morning zoo
with my own particular brand of zany antics.
Well, let's see, um…
You know, there was a fabulous cartoon in the recent New Yorker.
Let me see if I can describe it for you.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night!