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[THEME SONG PLAYING]
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[PHONE RINGING]
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[FRASIER GRUNTS]
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-Hello?
-MAN 1 [ON PHONE]: Dr. Crane?
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-Yes, who's this?
-Dr. Kaufman.
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Bob Kaufman of the National
Psychotherapy Institute.
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Oh, my gosh, it's 6:15
in the morning your time.
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I hope I didn't wake you.
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No, no, no, I was up.
Uh, where did you say you're calling from?
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The National Psychotherapy Institute.
In Saddle River, New Jersey?
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FRASIER: Oh, yes, of course.
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-Uh, what can I do for you?
-For Pete's sake. No one called you?
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You've won our Radio Therapist
of the Year Award. Congratulations.
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Well, thank you.
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Of course, the work
itself is honor enough.
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Thank you. And I'm sorry about the mix-up.
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The problem is, we're
gonna need pictures of you
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so we can get started on the statue.
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-Statue?
-For our Hall of Thinkers?
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Angie, he never got the packet.
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-Uh, is there anything I can do?
-Well, it's a little late now,
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but maybe if you described your body,
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we could get started on
the preliminary carving.
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The sculptor's right here.
Fortunately, we got the Gustav Brumholt.
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Oh, my.
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[GERMAN ACCENT]
Yeah, Dr. Crane, please, yeah?
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FRASIER: Yes, yes,
this is Dr. Crane speaking.
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Herr Brumholt, may I
say, it's quite an honor.
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MAN 2: Yeah, yeah, we
have your face, very handsome.
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-But I need you to describe your body.
-FRASIER: Yes, of course. Um…
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Six foot one. Um…
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Medium build.
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Broad shoulders.
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-Sublimely proportioned.
-MAN 2: Yeah.
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That's good, but before I order my marble,
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I need you to describe your, um, how
do I say this, your… Where you sit, yeah?
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Oh, my posterior, yes. Well,
that is a little sensitive, isn't it?
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MAN 2: Oh, you don't want to tell me?
I understand. It's a big one?
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No, no, no, no, I didn't say that.
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MAN 2: Angie, order the
big marble, please, yeah.
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No, no, could you please
put Dr. Kaufman back on?
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MAN 2: No, I have a better idea.
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Why don't you send us a picture
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[LOSES ACCENT] of
your immense hind quarters,
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and send them to KACL's new morning team
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[IN UNISON] Carlos and The Chicken.
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Bock-bock-bock! Bock!
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Dr. Kaufman?
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Angie?
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-Morning.
-Good morning, Dr. Crane.
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You won't believe what
just happened to me.
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-I was the victim of a radio prank.
-Oh, that's terrible.
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It's a sad day when getting a
man to describe his own behind
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passes as humor.
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[LAUGHING]
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-You heard the whole thing, didn't you?
-Ja
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[NORMAL VOICE] I'm sorry,
Dr. Crane, but they can be funny.
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Oh, that's all right, Daphne.
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Carlos and The Chicken
are the sort of performers
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who keep popping up
on the radio these days.
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So-called humorists who rely on
cruel pranks and scatological references.
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That's the sort of thing that
passes for entertainment.
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Perhaps it's just a generational thing.
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Man, they got you good.
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The Chicken was on fire. What a great bit.
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-Yeah, I think it'll be Bit of the Day.
-That's it. I'm going back to bed.
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Wait a minute. Do you think you
could get me a tape of the show?
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FRASIER: What on earth for?
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How often do you get to
hear your son on the radio?
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I'm on the radio every day!
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Thank you very much. Hello, Roz.
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I suppose you've heard about
my unscheduled appearance
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on KACL's new morning show today?
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-No, what happened?
-The less said about it, the better.
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Come on, why don't you pull up a
couple of chairs and tell me about it?
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Was everyone in Seattle
listening at 6:00 in the morning?
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They do it at 6:00?
I heard the replay at 8:00.
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I heard it at 9:15.
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Congratulations, you were Bit of the Day.
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Oh, Lord, I thought the entire
thing was rude and childish.
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Well, you're just mad
because you fell for it.
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-Come on, Frasier, Hall of Thinkers?
-FRASIER: Well,
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it's not such a bad idea.
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In a society where we glorify
our athletes and rock musicians.
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I think maybe we should…
Well, it was early. I'm sorry.
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Hey, look, that's them
over there with Kenny.
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Wow, the Chicken's a lot
cuter than on his billboards.
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Of course, he's not
squatting in a feather suit,
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trying to hatch Carlos' head.
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You know, I think I might go
over there and introduce myself.
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I don't know what
you're thinking, but don't.
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I'm gonna go over and let
them know what they did today
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was completely unacceptable.
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Frasier, I know guys like this.
Once they know they can rattle you,
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they never stop.
Take your lumps and laugh it off.
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Roz, I'm thoroughly
capable of laughing it off.
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I wanna let them know I don't appreciate
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being made the punch
line at my own station.
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I'm gonna go and tell them
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from now on, I don't want
any part of their shenanigans.
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Oh, God, please don't say shenanigans.
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FRASIER: Hello, Kenny.
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I believe introductions are in order.
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Oh, right. Dr. Frasier Crane,
this is the Chicken and Carlos.
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-Uh… Uh…
-What?
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We're actually called
Carlos and the Chicken.
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Yes, well, nice to meet you boys.
Uh, about this morning…
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Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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I don't wanna see any
feathers flying here.
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Just kidding.
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Dr. Crane, I hope we didn't go too far.
We love your show.
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Really?
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-You're listeners?
-Oh, yeah, yeah, we're big fans.
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And the last thing we
wanna do is step on your toes.
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Well, you know, you do tread a
fine line with your style of comedy,
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but perhaps you can be
excused for stomping on it
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rather exuberantly on your first day.
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Keep in mind in the future that this
station has a certain "pecking" order.
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[ALL LAUGHING]
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We totally get it, Dr. Crane.
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-It felt wrong when we did it.
-FRASIER: Oh, well.
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It sure did.
Sure you're not upset or anything?
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Oh, no, no, no. No harm, no fowl.
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[ALL LAUGHING]
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It was great meeting you, Dr. Crane.
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Likewise. Hey, listen, call me Frasier.
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But don't call me at home.
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Ha-ha. Dr. Crane? We're listening.
129
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-Is it over? I couldn't look.
-For God's sake, Roz,
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have a little faith in me. After all, I
do reason with people for a living.
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It's all settled.
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They're good kids, really.
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Quite sensible, actually.
134
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Yeah, if you go for over-sexed,
beer-belching frat boy types,
135
00:07:01,783 --> 00:07:04,535
which I do.
Was the Chicken wearing a wedding ring?
136
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You know, I really did
overreact this morning, I think.
137
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After all, it was sort of cute, I suppose.
Ha-ha.
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Hall of Thinkers.
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Never let it be said that
Frasier Crane is the kind of man
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who's incapable of laughing at himself.
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-These are for you.
-Oh. Ha, ha, ha.
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Yes, I see, some patron has
sent me some sticky buns.
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That's very funny… Very funny, indeed.
144
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-You ordered those, sir.
-Oh, so I did.
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[DOORBELL RINGS]
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No kidding?
He's flying you to Vegas for the fight?
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That's a great son you got there, Duke.
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-Morning, Dr. Crane.
-Hello, Daphne.
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Dad. Frasier, I thought
you might like to join me,
150
00:07:53,575 --> 00:07:56,625
I'm going down to Abigail's to
have my crêpe pans re-seasoned.
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Gosh, I'd love to, Niles, but I've
just drawn myself a nice herbal bath.
152
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Uh, no, no, it's just Daphne.
She's watching PBS.
153
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Okay, I'll talk to you later, Duke.
154
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Does the whole world have to
know what goes on in this house?
155
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-Help yourself to some coffee, Niles.
-Thank you.
156
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How do you know it's time to have
your crêpe pan seasoned, anyway?
157
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It can be confusing. But this may help:
158
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"Saucepans in summer, crêpe pans in fall,
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when winter's upon
us, there's food for us all."
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[PHONE RINGING]
161
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Whoever it is, I am not home.
I am not here.
162
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-Hello?
-MAN: Yeah, is Dr. Crane there?
163
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-No, actually, he's taking a bath.
-Who's this?
164
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-His brother, Niles.
-Oh, okay.
165
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Well, see, this is the
building superintendent.
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[WHINY VOICE] I'm in
the bathroom just below his,
167
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and I think the pipes
are getting corroded.
168
00:08:54,958 --> 00:08:58,085
Is your brother putting
anything unusual in his bath?
169
00:08:58,544 --> 00:09:03,048
I'm not exactly sure what he puts
in his bath. Better let me ask him.
170
00:09:06,301 --> 00:09:09,511
-I smell a bit.
-Put the radio on.
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♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪
172
00:09:16,684 --> 00:09:17,809
Frasier?
173
00:09:17,893 --> 00:09:19,853
♪ Simply because you're near me ♪
174
00:09:19,937 --> 00:09:21,104
NILES: Frasier,
175
00:09:21,188 --> 00:09:22,730
what do you put in your bath?
176
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You know very well it's
a proprietary blend, Niles.
177
00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:28,401
No, no, no, it's your super.
There's something corroding the pipes
178
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:31,696
in the unit below you.
He thinks it may be something in your tub.
179
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:36,825
Hello, yes, I'm sure it's not my
fault, but if you insist, I use, um…
180
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:44,249
Jasmine, lavender, rose hips,
and a little Tahitian vanilla.
181
00:09:45,207 --> 00:09:46,749
THE CHICKEN: Well, that sounds okay.
182
00:09:46,833 --> 00:09:50,043
Boy, with a bath like that, I bet the
ladies sure go for you though, huh?
183
00:09:50,127 --> 00:09:54,966
Yes, well, love does
enter through the nose.
184
00:09:55,757 --> 00:09:57,675
The neighbors down here
have been complaining
185
00:09:57,759 --> 00:10:01,094
about a little sound bleed-through.
I think we got a bad tile.
186
00:10:01,178 --> 00:10:04,848
I sure would like to check. I heard
you singing through the phone earlier.
187
00:10:04,932 --> 00:10:07,475
Do you think you could,
I don't know, do it again?
188
00:10:07,850 --> 00:10:09,810
Uh, all right. Um…
189
00:10:09,894 --> 00:10:13,771
♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪
190
00:10:13,855 --> 00:10:16,815
♪ Simply because you're near me ♪
191
00:10:16,899 --> 00:10:19,484
Yeah, that's great.
I definitely heard some bleed-through.
192
00:10:19,568 --> 00:10:23,404
You know, I could isolate the tile if
you could just walk around a little bit
193
00:10:23,488 --> 00:10:27,032
while you sang, or maybe if you
could stomp around, that'd be great.
194
00:10:27,116 --> 00:10:28,241
Stomp around?
195
00:10:28,325 --> 00:10:29,701
THE CHICKEN: If it's too much trouble,
196
00:10:29,785 --> 00:10:31,620
I could send my assistant, Jimmy, up.
197
00:10:31,704 --> 00:10:33,621
Lord, no, no, no, please.
That's just fine.
198
00:10:33,705 --> 00:10:35,831
Leave Jimmy where he is.
I don't need an audience
199
00:10:35,915 --> 00:10:38,583
-while I'm singing in the bathtub.
-I appreciate this.
200
00:10:38,667 --> 00:10:40,960
We'll get this all cleared up in a jiffy.
201
00:10:41,044 --> 00:10:42,629
Thanks a lot, Dr. Crane.
202
00:10:42,713 --> 00:10:45,513
FRASIER: Give me a second,
I'll tell you when I'm ready.
203
00:10:45,715 --> 00:10:49,342
All right, I'm ready. Here goes.
204
00:10:49,592 --> 00:10:54,596
♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪
205
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:58,642
♪ Simply because you're near me ♪
206
00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:02,645
♪ Funny but when you're near me ♪
207
00:11:02,729 --> 00:11:06,439
♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪
208
00:11:06,523 --> 00:11:09,525
THE CHICKEN: Oh, my God,
the whole ceiling's falling down.
209
00:11:09,609 --> 00:11:11,652
-Oh, good Lord. Oh, good Lord.
-Ouch. Oh.
210
00:11:11,736 --> 00:11:14,136
Niles, be careful.
The whole ceiling's caving in.
211
00:11:14,864 --> 00:11:17,531
THE CHICKEN: Hey, listen, I think
we found out what the problem is.
212
00:11:17,615 --> 00:11:21,785
[NORMAL VOICE] It's
that humongous ass of yours.
213
00:11:22,578 --> 00:11:25,288
Listeners, Carlos and the
Chicken are offering $1000
214
00:11:25,372 --> 00:11:29,083
for the best picture of Frasier Crane's
humongous ass for our website.
215
00:11:29,167 --> 00:11:33,462
SINGERS [ON RECORDING]:
♪ Frasier Crane's Humongous Ass Contest ♪
216
00:11:36,131 --> 00:11:40,509
♪ Frasier Crane's Humongous Ass Contest ♪
217
00:11:41,135 --> 00:11:43,761
-Oh, dear God.
-NILES: Now, now,
218
00:11:43,845 --> 00:11:47,264
don't worry, it won't get you down for
long. You've always had a thick skin.
219
00:11:47,348 --> 00:11:49,891
Unless that Tahitian
vanilla softens you up a bit.
220
00:11:49,975 --> 00:11:51,560
Get out.
221
00:11:59,524 --> 00:12:01,859
-FRASIER: Leave me alone.
-[CAMERAS CLICKING]
222
00:12:01,943 --> 00:12:03,643
For God's sake, have some respect.
223
00:12:07,573 --> 00:12:09,198
Was that Mrs. Kurtzman?
224
00:12:09,282 --> 00:12:11,117
She dropped her medication in the hallway.
225
00:12:11,201 --> 00:12:15,162
As I stooped to pick it up, out came
her camera like an assassin's blade.
226
00:12:16,747 --> 00:12:21,376
Well, if she wants to control those
blood clots, she'll cough up that film.
227
00:12:26,838 --> 00:12:30,299
-You're really getting riled up.
-I certainly am.
228
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:33,010
Come on. They're just pranks.
Back on the force,
229
00:12:33,094 --> 00:12:35,303
we used to do stuff
like this all the time.
230
00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:39,098
We'd fill a guy's hat with shaving
cream or nail his shoes to the floor.
231
00:12:39,182 --> 00:12:43,477
Sometimes we'd get a guy dead drunk,
leave him in a drawer in the morgue.
232
00:12:45,187 --> 00:12:46,729
[DOORBELL RINGS]
233
00:12:46,813 --> 00:12:49,440
You know, Dad, I might
have been able to laugh it off
234
00:12:49,524 --> 00:12:52,776
if all of Seattle hadn't started
stalking me with cameras.
235
00:12:55,278 --> 00:12:57,154
Quickly, Niles, inside. Come on.
236
00:12:58,656 --> 00:13:01,241
Why didn't you hold the elevator?
Didn't you hear me shouting?
237
00:13:01,325 --> 00:13:05,620
That was you? Sorry, I was afraid you
were trying to get a picture of my butt.
238
00:13:08,664 --> 00:13:12,084
How exciting to be present
at the birth of a new phobia.
239
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,878
I'm talking about Carlos and the Chicken.
240
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,463
NILES: Oh, yes, their little contest.
241
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,505
I can't believe anyone's
taking that seriously.
242
00:13:19,589 --> 00:13:23,800
Well, they won't be for much longer.
I've decided it's time to fight back.
243
00:13:23,884 --> 00:13:25,469
I was up till all hours last night
244
00:13:25,553 --> 00:13:28,138
crafting my response to those two idiots.
245
00:13:28,222 --> 00:13:31,182
I believe I have arrived
at a masterful rebuttal.
246
00:13:31,266 --> 00:13:33,643
I'm not sure you wanna
call it your rebuttal.
247
00:13:35,644 --> 00:13:39,271
Oh, I see your Bartlett's is out.
You're not pulling any punches.
248
00:13:39,355 --> 00:13:41,940
Hardly.
I go in swinging with La Rochefoucauld.
249
00:13:42,024 --> 00:13:43,734
"If we had no faults of our own,
250
00:13:43,985 --> 00:13:47,446
we would not take so much
pleasure in noticing those of others."
251
00:13:47,946 --> 00:13:49,281
Ouch.
252
00:13:52,116 --> 00:13:55,034
Just as I've got them reeling, I
go in with a jab of Dorothy Parker.
253
00:13:55,118 --> 00:14:00,538
"Wit has truth in it, wisecracking
is merely calisthenics with words."
254
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:02,082
Pow!
255
00:14:02,166 --> 00:14:05,043
Just as they're bloodied and
against the ropes, I go in for the kill
256
00:14:05,127 --> 00:14:08,170
with Twain, Wilde, Twain, Twain, Mencken.
257
00:14:08,254 --> 00:14:11,154
-It's not a fight, it's an execution.
-FRASIER: Come on.
258
00:14:12,257 --> 00:14:15,134
You know, Frasier, if you
go and read that on the air,
259
00:14:15,218 --> 00:14:17,803
you're gonna set yourself
up for a year of abuse.
260
00:14:17,887 --> 00:14:21,139
This kind of thing is probably why
those guys started picking on you.
261
00:14:21,223 --> 00:14:23,015
Fine, Dad. What exactly are you saying?
262
00:14:23,099 --> 00:14:25,726
I somehow managed to
bring all this misery on myself?
263
00:14:25,810 --> 00:14:27,769
No, I'm not saying that. I'm just…
264
00:14:27,853 --> 00:14:29,396
Well, have you ever wondered
265
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:32,731
why these bullies have always
kind of zeroed in on you two?
266
00:14:32,815 --> 00:14:34,733
No, we don't wonder why.
We know the reason.
267
00:14:34,817 --> 00:14:36,444
-Jealousy.
-Jealousy.
268
00:14:37,694 --> 00:14:39,946
Okay, there's a little bit
of that too, but you know,
269
00:14:40,030 --> 00:14:43,198
you kind of give people the
impression that you're above them.
270
00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:45,117
-Pish tosh.
-Poppycock.
271
00:14:46,368 --> 00:14:48,702
-Morning, Daphne.
-Oh, Daphne. Tell me,
272
00:14:48,786 --> 00:14:50,996
you think we're snobby,
superior and condescending?
273
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,541
That's it.
I'm getting me door soundproofed.
274
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,292
MARTIN: You see what I mean?
275
00:14:56,376 --> 00:14:58,586
People think you're stuffy.
276
00:14:58,670 --> 00:15:01,755
You know, with your opera
parties and your wine parties
277
00:15:01,839 --> 00:15:03,674
and your seasoned crêpe pans.
278
00:15:03,758 --> 00:15:07,927
In my defense, Niles is the only one
who has ever seasoned his crêpe pans.
279
00:15:08,011 --> 00:15:11,054
Which is precisely why I've had
the same set since the ninth grade,
280
00:15:11,138 --> 00:15:12,848
thank you very much.
281
00:15:14,850 --> 00:15:18,060
My point is you guys could
never resist putting on airs.
282
00:15:18,144 --> 00:15:21,354
Even when you were in junior high,
you used to love that TV program,
283
00:15:21,438 --> 00:15:24,274
The Avengers.
You used to run all over the neighborhood
284
00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:27,276
pretending you were that
guy with the umbrella. Steve.
285
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,570
-Steed.
-Dad.
286
00:15:29,654 --> 00:15:31,612
FRASIER: There were worse role models.
287
00:15:31,696 --> 00:15:34,782
Steed was dapper, witty.
When anyone tried to give him grief,
288
00:15:34,866 --> 00:15:37,242
he gave them a sound
thrashing with his umbrella.
289
00:15:37,326 --> 00:15:39,202
Great, that's fine,
admire him if you want,
290
00:15:39,286 --> 00:15:42,705
but did you have to run through
the neighborhood in bowler hats?
291
00:15:42,789 --> 00:15:45,082
I mean, you were just
begging to get beat up.
292
00:15:45,166 --> 00:15:48,460
Come to think of it, it was rather a
rough summer that year, wasn't it?
293
00:15:48,544 --> 00:15:52,713
I remember getting a chinstrap so
the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.
294
00:15:55,132 --> 00:15:59,177
And all that did was make you look
like Elizabeth Taylor in National Velvet.
295
00:16:00,762 --> 00:16:05,932
But, look, my point is you go down to
the station and read that over the air,
296
00:16:06,016 --> 00:16:09,018
then you might as well go down
there in a great big bowler hat.
297
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:11,353
And those people are
never gonna let you forget it.
298
00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:13,605
It's funny hearing you
talk about The Avengers.
299
00:16:13,689 --> 00:16:15,356
My first Halloween in America,
300
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,567
I went to a party dressed as Mrs. Peel,
301
00:16:17,651 --> 00:16:20,695
head-to-toe in that
skin-tight black leather catsuit.
302
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,363
Come to think of it, I
still have it somewhere.
303
00:16:23,447 --> 00:16:24,864
And Halloween's coming up.
304
00:16:24,948 --> 00:16:28,534
An old catsuit? Better not let this guy
hear you talk about that, he'll go nuts.
305
00:16:28,618 --> 00:16:30,327
I would not.
306
00:16:35,707 --> 00:16:40,003
Be surprised if he did. Ho, ho, ho!
307
00:16:40,586 --> 00:16:41,669
[PHONE RINGS]
308
00:16:41,753 --> 00:16:43,088
FRASIER: Excuse me.
309
00:16:44,464 --> 00:16:47,508
Hello?
All right, Roz, yes, just calm down.
310
00:16:47,592 --> 00:16:49,742
No, no, I'm not listening.
Hang on a second.
311
00:16:50,386 --> 00:16:52,261
FRASIER [ON RADIO]: Roz.
312
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,097
Oh, dear God.
313
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:58,099
CARLOS: I think we're gonna have
to throw a bucket of water on these two.
314
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:00,477
THE CHICKEN: Roz and
Frasier stop by for a quick hello.
315
00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:02,895
Next thing you know, they're
getting it on right in the booth.
316
00:17:02,979 --> 00:17:04,396
[MOANING ON RADIO]
317
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,482
-FRASIER [ON RECORDING]: Roz.
-ROZ [ON RECORDING]: Frasier.
318
00:17:06,566 --> 00:17:08,483
-FRASIER: Roz.
-ROZ: Frasier.
319
00:17:08,567 --> 00:17:11,320
FRASIER: We have time
to squeeze in one more?
320
00:17:12,195 --> 00:17:15,656
ROZ: Plenty of time, Frasier.
Two more minutes.
321
00:17:15,740 --> 00:17:19,075
You know, for a man carrying
around a good 50 extra pounds of ass,
322
00:17:19,159 --> 00:17:21,160
Frasier Crane has got
unbelievable stamina.
323
00:17:21,244 --> 00:17:22,870
Frasier, where do you get your energy?
324
00:17:22,954 --> 00:17:26,706
FRASIER: Lavender, rose hips
and a little Tahitian vanilla.
325
00:17:26,790 --> 00:17:30,877
My God, they're changing positions.
I've never seen that one before.
326
00:17:31,294 --> 00:17:34,755
FRASIER: Love does enter through the nose.
327
00:17:35,672 --> 00:17:38,091
[MOANING OVER RADIO]
328
00:17:38,175 --> 00:17:39,875
FRASIER: I'll call you back, Roz.
329
00:17:40,968 --> 00:17:42,761
-I'm going down there.
-MARTIN: Frasier.
330
00:17:42,845 --> 00:17:45,888
I'm gonna teach those two a
lesson they'll not soon forget.
331
00:17:45,972 --> 00:17:49,016
-Where's my umbrella?
-Oh, no, not that again.
332
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:50,725
Not the umbrella. I'm begging you.
333
00:17:50,809 --> 00:17:51,935
It's raining.
334
00:17:52,019 --> 00:17:53,144
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
335
00:17:53,228 --> 00:17:55,021
No, no. Stop it.
336
00:17:58,941 --> 00:18:01,901
-Roz, what are you doing here?
-I'm getting revenge, that's what.
337
00:18:01,985 --> 00:18:04,571
-Roz, come here. Stop it.
-These guys are going down.
338
00:18:04,655 --> 00:18:07,573
Did you hear the disgusting,
vile things they said about me?
339
00:18:07,657 --> 00:18:10,159
-Just the part about us having sex.
-Exactly.
340
00:18:11,242 --> 00:18:14,328
Not only that, they've got a
photo contest about me now too.
341
00:18:14,412 --> 00:18:17,247
A thousand dollars for a shot
of your behind? Oh, I'm sorry.
342
00:18:17,331 --> 00:18:19,958
No, it's 50 bucks and a six-pack.
343
00:18:20,042 --> 00:18:22,876
And there were seven winners
before I even left the house.
344
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,628
-Sorry.
-Frasier, what should we do?
345
00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:26,046
We could slash their tires,
346
00:18:26,130 --> 00:18:28,214
-crack their windshields…
-I was thinking of
347
00:18:28,298 --> 00:18:30,300
-a more direct approach.
-I'm down with that.
348
00:18:30,384 --> 00:18:32,634
I'll get the Chicken,
you take the big guy.
349
00:18:32,718 --> 00:18:34,595
-That's not it.
-I knew you'd say that,
350
00:18:34,679 --> 00:18:37,347
-fine, I'll take the big guy.
-No, no, Roz, stop it.
351
00:18:37,431 --> 00:18:40,975
Listen to yourself.
You're lusting for blood like a barbarian.
352
00:18:41,518 --> 00:18:45,437
I have a more civilized approach in mind.
I have composed a speech.
353
00:18:48,648 --> 00:18:50,441
-A speech?
-Yes.
354
00:18:50,525 --> 00:18:53,152
Unless you plan to roll it up
and cram it down their throats,
355
00:18:53,236 --> 00:18:55,570
-what good is that gonna do?
-You just watch and see.
356
00:18:55,654 --> 00:18:58,156
No, Frasier, they're never
gonna stop making fun of you.
357
00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:00,657
Roz, I don't care.
I've just figured out something.
358
00:19:00,741 --> 00:19:02,951
Maybe you can't stop
bullies from attacking you,
359
00:19:03,035 --> 00:19:05,703
but the only way they win is
if they change who you are.
360
00:19:05,787 --> 00:19:07,413
Let them do their work,
361
00:19:07,497 --> 00:19:09,998
they will not knock the
bowler off of this head.
362
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,169
What does that mean?
363
00:19:14,670 --> 00:19:17,504
Holy cow, look who just
walked into the booth.
364
00:19:17,588 --> 00:19:20,298
Frasier Crane, the automatic sex pilot.
365
00:19:20,382 --> 00:19:21,924
What's up, Love Doctor?
366
00:19:22,008 --> 00:19:23,676
Oh, I think you two know what's up.
367
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,637
There's only so much I can take,
only so much anyone can take
368
00:19:26,721 --> 00:19:28,889
from a juvenile comic
and his straight man.
369
00:19:28,973 --> 00:19:31,515
I believe it was La
Rochefoucauld who first said…
370
00:19:31,599 --> 00:19:35,019
I'll take my straight man over
your sex-starved producer any day.
371
00:19:35,103 --> 00:19:38,229
-Okay, buddy.
-Roz, Roz, Roz, let me handle this.
372
00:19:38,313 --> 00:19:40,857
Hey, wait a second.
I'm not your straight man.
373
00:19:40,941 --> 00:19:43,817
-If anything, I'm the funny one.
-Let's not start with this again.
374
00:19:43,901 --> 00:19:45,986
You're the one who just started it.
On the air.
375
00:19:46,070 --> 00:19:47,779
It was La Rochefoucauld who first said…
376
00:19:47,863 --> 00:19:49,572
You know, you know, you always do this.
377
00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:53,158
Hey, Carlos, the therapist said
not to use the word "always."
378
00:19:53,242 --> 00:19:55,202
I wish you could say
I'm as funny as you are.
379
00:19:55,286 --> 00:19:58,329
Well, I wish I could say that too,
but who does all the funny voices?
380
00:19:58,413 --> 00:20:00,831
-La Rochefoucauld once said…
-CARLOS: if I'm so unfunny,
381
00:20:00,915 --> 00:20:04,501
-how come I get offered solo gigs?
-Oh, well, now I'm laughing. Ha-ha!
382
00:20:04,585 --> 00:20:06,169
Don't believe me, ask our agent.
383
00:20:06,253 --> 00:20:07,962
You talked to Zachary behind my back?
384
00:20:08,046 --> 00:20:10,047
-If I could get a word…
-I'll tell you what,
385
00:20:10,131 --> 00:20:13,050
you think you can go out on
your own, go ahead. Be my guest.
386
00:20:13,134 --> 00:20:16,844
Great. Because I don't need you and
I don't need Carlos and the Chicken.
387
00:20:16,928 --> 00:20:20,764
-Really? Well, best of luck, funny boy.
-Same to you, Duane.
388
00:20:20,848 --> 00:20:23,184
Hey, man, that is not cool.
389
00:20:23,976 --> 00:20:25,851
Chicken, I believe it
was La Rochefoucauld,
390
00:20:25,935 --> 00:20:28,771
-the great French thinker…
-Would you give it a rest, double wide?
391
00:20:28,855 --> 00:20:30,146
I went to grad school too.
392
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:33,441
And PS, it's pronounced
"La Rochefoucauld."
393
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:37,320
That's it. Nobody corrects my French
pronunciation, you son of a bitch.
394
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:42,115
Chicken.
Come on, did you have to be so vicious?
395
00:20:42,199 --> 00:20:44,033
-Me?
-Oh, we got dead air. Just…
396
00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:46,034
-Right. Right.
-Take over.
397
00:20:46,118 --> 00:20:48,787
Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane.
398
00:20:48,871 --> 00:20:53,124
I'll be filling in for the last
hour of the morning zoo
399
00:20:53,208 --> 00:20:57,252
with my own particular
brand of zany antics.
400
00:20:59,087 --> 00:21:00,798
Well, let's see, um…
401
00:21:01,964 --> 00:21:07,677
You know, there was a fabulous
cartoon in the recent New Yorker.
402
00:21:07,761 --> 00:21:10,222
Let me see if I can describe it for you.
403
00:21:12,932 --> 00:21:14,934
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
404
00:21:15,768 --> 00:21:18,409
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
405
00:21:18,493 --> 00:21:20,772
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
406
00:21:21,147 --> 00:21:22,315
Mercy.
407
00:21:22,607 --> 00:21:25,358
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
408
00:21:25,442 --> 00:21:27,652
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
409
00:21:27,736 --> 00:21:29,903
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
410
00:21:29,987 --> 00:21:31,655
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
411
00:21:31,739 --> 00:21:34,616
♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
412
00:21:36,827 --> 00:21:38,036
♪ They're callin' again ♪
413
00:21:39,578 --> 00:21:42,210
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
414
00:21:42,294 --> 00:21:44,124
What is a boy to do?
415
00:21:46,376 --> 00:21:47,418
Good night!