1
00:00:09,582 --> 00:00:13,502
Thank you very much.
Well, Roz… Oh, baby pictures?

2
00:00:13,586 --> 00:00:15,796
Uh-huh. Actually, these
aren't the most flattering.

3
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:19,592
Oh, nonsense, baby Alice
couldn't possibly take a bad picture.

4
00:00:19,676 --> 00:00:21,344
Oh, well, that's just adorable,

5
00:00:21,428 --> 00:00:24,431
the silly little one with
the jam all over her face.

6
00:00:24,515 --> 00:00:27,768
Well, actually, that's not
jam, Frasier, it's baby eczema.

7
00:00:28,394 --> 00:00:30,854
Oh, well, there's no
need to worry about that.

8
00:00:30,938 --> 00:00:33,816
That sort of thing is bound to clear up.

9
00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:37,570
-Or spread.
-Just give them back.

10
00:00:37,654 --> 00:00:38,779
Oh, hello, all.

11
00:00:38,863 --> 00:00:41,490
-Oh, Niles.
-Ooh! Baby pictures.

12
00:00:41,574 --> 00:00:43,409
I don't really want
anyone to look at those.

13
00:00:43,493 --> 00:00:45,411
Well, I don't know why not.

14
00:00:45,495 --> 00:00:48,457
Botticelli himself couldn't have
painted a more perfect angel.

15
00:00:48,541 --> 00:00:51,919
Well, thank you, Niles.
She is precious, isn't she?

16
00:00:53,337 --> 00:00:54,796
[MOUTHS] I know.

17
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,507
Anyway, Niles, how did
things go with Maris' lawyers?

18
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,218
Cappuccino, please.

19
00:00:59,302 --> 00:01:01,512
Maris is determined
to prolong my suffering.

20
00:01:01,596 --> 00:01:05,183
She's asked to postpone our
court date another eight months.

21
00:01:05,267 --> 00:01:06,893
-Eight months?
-NILES: Yes.

22
00:01:06,977 --> 00:01:10,063
Last night, I was in such a state, I
wished I had a piano to crawl under.

23
00:01:10,147 --> 00:01:12,316
-What?
-Oh, uh…

24
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,902
It's a habit I developed as
a child to combat anxiety.

25
00:01:14,986 --> 00:01:17,780
There's something about the
safe, dark, protected environment.

26
00:01:17,864 --> 00:01:19,406
-It seemed comforting to me.
-FRASIER: Yes.

27
00:01:19,490 --> 00:01:23,786
The week before his first Little League
tryout, he practically lived under there.

28
00:01:23,870 --> 00:01:26,206
Well, we all did weird
stuff when we were kids.

29
00:01:27,499 --> 00:01:29,626
[MOUTHS] I know.

30
00:01:30,335 --> 00:01:33,463
So, Niles, how did your lawyers
respond to this postponement request?

31
00:01:33,547 --> 00:01:35,882
Well, I can tell you they
weren't very happy about it.

32
00:01:35,966 --> 00:01:37,717
They got on the phone, raised some hell

33
00:01:37,801 --> 00:01:41,722
and got that postponement
cut down to seven months.

34
00:01:41,806 --> 00:01:44,850
Niles, are you serious?
You think maybe it's time

35
00:01:44,934 --> 00:01:47,186
that you consider getting
some new lawyers?

36
00:01:47,270 --> 00:01:49,814
Fire Harrison and Reid?
They're the top firm in Seattle.

37
00:01:49,898 --> 00:01:52,693
But they're bleeding you dry.
They don't mind these postponements.

38
00:01:52,777 --> 00:01:55,237
The longer they draw this
out, the more money they'll get.

39
00:01:55,321 --> 00:01:57,698
Oh, you know, I have the
perfect person for you to call.

40
00:01:57,782 --> 00:02:00,992
My old boyfriend, Donny.
He's a great lawyer.

41
00:02:01,076 --> 00:02:02,911
No offense, Roz, but I highly doubt

42
00:02:02,995 --> 00:02:05,832
that your Donny is in the same
league with Harrison and Reid.

43
00:02:05,916 --> 00:02:08,668
Don't be so sure.
I mean, he's smart, he's tough.

44
00:02:08,752 --> 00:02:12,630
He doesn't take no for an answer,
not that I ever tested that theory.

45
00:02:12,714 --> 00:02:14,924
Wait a minute, are we
talking about Donny Douglas?

46
00:02:15,008 --> 00:02:16,509
-Yes.
-Oh, my God.

47
00:02:16,593 --> 00:02:19,471
Niles, I've read about this guy.
He's the one they call "The Piranha."

48
00:02:19,555 --> 00:02:22,182
Yeah, but that's because he
has this night-grinding problem

49
00:02:22,266 --> 00:02:25,394
that makes his teeth
really sharp and tiny.

50
00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:29,898
Yes, well, anyway, Niles, I mean,
this guy just won a huge case.

51
00:02:29,982 --> 00:02:31,943
I mean, he might be just who you need.

52
00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:33,194
I appreciate your concern,

53
00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:36,782
but, really, my situation is not as
dire as you're making it out to be.

54
00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,492
-What's that smell?
-What smell?

55
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:41,161
The one coming out of your briefcase.

56
00:02:41,245 --> 00:02:43,038
Oh, I don't smell anything.

57
00:02:44,082 --> 00:02:47,585
Oh, my God, is this your lunch?

58
00:02:47,669 --> 00:02:49,963
A bologna sandwich?

59
00:02:52,382 --> 00:02:56,260
And a fruit cocktail?

60
00:02:56,344 --> 00:03:01,016
Oh, Niles, do you see what
these lawyers have reduced you to?

61
00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:03,226
Do you have any idea what
they're having for lunch?

62
00:03:03,310 --> 00:03:06,560
I don't know. They don't itemize,
they just bill me for the total.

63
00:03:12,654 --> 00:03:13,988
[DOOR OPENS]

64
00:03:14,072 --> 00:03:16,699
Donny should be here any minute.
Make yourselves comfortable.

65
00:03:16,783 --> 00:03:19,286
-Thank you.
-Thank you.

66
00:03:20,203 --> 00:03:21,829
Frasier, you really don't have to stay.

67
00:03:21,913 --> 00:03:25,501
Well, I didn't have to come at all,
but if I hadn't, you never would have.

68
00:03:25,585 --> 00:03:27,544
Well, the office seems nice enough.

69
00:03:27,628 --> 00:03:29,588
Might have overdone
it on the plants a little.

70
00:03:29,672 --> 00:03:34,302
Yes, it's excess like this that's
destroying the plastic rain forest.

71
00:03:34,886 --> 00:03:37,972
-Niles.
-Oh…

72
00:03:38,056 --> 00:03:40,767
University of Las Vegas.

73
00:03:42,853 --> 00:03:46,106
No problem finding tassels
for those mortarboards.

74
00:03:49,819 --> 00:03:52,196
Will you stop being such a snob?

75
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,281
Give this man a chance, for God's sake.

76
00:03:54,365 --> 00:03:56,283
And, please, will you have a mint?

77
00:03:56,367 --> 00:03:59,454
I'm halfway across the room,
all I can smell is bologna.

78
00:04:01,289 --> 00:04:03,041
Hey. How you doing? Donny Douglas.

79
00:04:03,125 --> 00:04:05,585
-How are you? Who's who?
-Mr. Douglas, I'm Frasier Crane.

80
00:04:05,669 --> 00:04:07,045
-This is Niles.
-You're Niles.

81
00:04:07,129 --> 00:04:08,255
-Frasier Crane?
-Yes.

82
00:04:08,339 --> 00:04:10,257
-You're Roz's buddy, aren't you?
-Yes, yes.

83
00:04:10,341 --> 00:04:12,425
You gotta do me a favor, okay? Tell Roz,

84
00:04:12,509 --> 00:04:15,512
finally, I had my teeth capped. See? Look.

85
00:04:15,596 --> 00:04:18,391
-FRASIER: Oh, yes. Well, I'll tell her.
-You promise you won't forget?

86
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:20,560
-Oh, not much danger of that.
-DONNY: Okay.

87
00:04:20,644 --> 00:04:22,812
Now, I gotta be in court
in about 20 minutes,

88
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:24,814
so sit down, let's get started.

89
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:26,524
Well, as we discussed on the phone…

90
00:04:26,608 --> 00:04:31,280
Maria, get me my gray suit for court.
Come on, come on, come on.

91
00:04:31,364 --> 00:04:35,284
Maris is determined to exhaust my
already strained financial resources.

92
00:04:35,368 --> 00:04:36,869
-And the real injustice…
-DONNY: Yeah.

93
00:04:36,953 --> 00:04:39,830
And, Maria, could you just
cancel that four o'clock of mine?

94
00:04:39,914 --> 00:04:43,668
And would you also put
Joe Silva on my call sheet?

95
00:04:43,752 --> 00:04:45,461
I'm listening, I'm listening. Come on.

96
00:04:45,545 --> 00:04:47,422
Well, Maris has no
right to be angry with me.

97
00:04:47,506 --> 00:04:49,799
Maria, you're the best.
Thank you so much. Cool.

98
00:04:49,883 --> 00:04:52,802
What? What? Come on, let's go. What?

99
00:04:52,886 --> 00:04:55,055
-I'm sorry, I forgot what I was saying.
-Oh, don't worry.

100
00:04:55,139 --> 00:04:57,767
Maria has that effect on men all the time.

101
00:05:00,603 --> 00:05:04,690
Niles, I think you were about to tell
Mr. Douglas about Dr. Schenkman.

102
00:05:04,774 --> 00:05:07,276
NILES: Right. Well, last year,

103
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,946
Maris and I were actually making
progress in couples therapy,

104
00:05:10,030 --> 00:05:13,533
when, to my dismay, I discovered
that she and our therapist were…

105
00:05:13,617 --> 00:05:15,368
-Oh, my God.
-That's right, they were…

106
00:05:15,452 --> 00:05:17,955
This is the best corned
beef I have ever tasted.

107
00:05:18,872 --> 00:05:21,207
You've gotta have a bite of this. Here.

108
00:05:21,291 --> 00:05:23,878
-Come on, it's got spicy mustard.
-No, thanks.

109
00:05:23,962 --> 00:05:27,590
-How about you?
-Sorry, mustard allergy.

110
00:05:29,384 --> 00:05:32,303
Mr. Douglas, maybe we'll come
back when you have more time.

111
00:05:32,387 --> 00:05:36,141
No, no, no. Uh-uh. I got the gist.
Your wife was doing your shrink.

112
00:05:36,225 --> 00:05:38,810
Now she's trying to bleed
you with a long pre-trial, I get it.

113
00:05:38,894 --> 00:05:40,854
-Who's her lawyer?
-Lockhart and Whalen.

114
00:05:40,938 --> 00:05:45,651
-Maria, get me Lockhart. Or Whalen.
-Wait, wait, wait, you're calling them?

115
00:05:45,735 --> 00:05:48,780
Yeah, listen, could we just
cut through the formalities here?

116
00:05:49,281 --> 00:05:50,365
Okay.

117
00:05:50,449 --> 00:05:53,451
Niles, what you need is a
guy like me representing you.

118
00:05:53,535 --> 00:05:55,703
What you're in here is a street fight,

119
00:05:55,787 --> 00:05:57,956
and you gotta know
who's covering your back.

120
00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,459
So, what I guarantee you is this:

121
00:06:01,002 --> 00:06:04,922
You will never see me unprepared,

122
00:06:05,006 --> 00:06:08,092
you'll never see me intimidated,

123
00:06:08,176 --> 00:06:12,846
and you will never, ever
see me throw in the towel.

124
00:06:12,930 --> 00:06:16,017
-Understand?
-I'd certainly hope not.

125
00:06:16,101 --> 00:06:17,227
Oh.

126
00:06:17,311 --> 00:06:19,354
MARIA: I've got Geoff Whalen on line one.

127
00:06:19,438 --> 00:06:20,772
Okay, thank you.

128
00:06:20,856 --> 00:06:22,482
-May I have a word with you?
-Yes.

129
00:06:22,566 --> 00:06:26,236
Whalen, Donny Douglas here.
I'm calling about Niles Crane. Yeah.

130
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:29,407
I can't possibly let this man
represent me. I'll be humiliated.

131
00:06:29,491 --> 00:06:31,242
Niles, you have got to hear this man out.

132
00:06:31,326 --> 00:06:33,661
I'm sorry, this is exactly
what you want in a lawyer,

133
00:06:33,745 --> 00:06:35,371
someone who's not afraid to show moxie.

134
00:06:35,455 --> 00:06:37,540
He's an inch away from
showing us the full moxie.

135
00:06:37,624 --> 00:06:39,542
DONNY: You're gonna
get hit with a countersuit

136
00:06:39,626 --> 00:06:42,379
for an infliction of pain and distress.
You don't think I can win?

137
00:06:42,463 --> 00:06:45,215
You call York and McFadden, you
see what those bastards had to pay

138
00:06:45,299 --> 00:06:47,551
for trying to pull this same
crap on a client of mine.

139
00:06:47,635 --> 00:06:49,678
Yeah, we're talking big
numbers here, Whalen.

140
00:06:49,762 --> 00:06:51,430
You haven't seen so many zeros lined up

141
00:06:51,514 --> 00:06:54,476
since Mr. Spock had a book signing. Yeah.

142
00:06:56,186 --> 00:06:58,286
You gotta hear this. Come here, come here.

143
00:06:59,397 --> 00:07:02,275
MAN: <i>Well, yes, of course,
it's important to be reasonable.</i>

144
00:07:02,359 --> 00:07:04,318
<i>I'm sure we can move a few things around</i>

145
00:07:04,402 --> 00:07:06,502
<i>and be ready for court
by about next month.</i>

146
00:07:07,031 --> 00:07:08,282
<i>-Mr. Douglas?</i>
-DONNY: Yeah?

147
00:07:08,366 --> 00:07:11,994
<i>Does this mean you're now
representing Niles Crane?</i>

148
00:07:13,621 --> 00:07:15,706
That's exactly what that means.

149
00:07:15,790 --> 00:07:18,667
And, Whalen, I'll be in touch
about a discovery schedule.

150
00:07:18,751 --> 00:07:20,963
Have a nice day.

151
00:07:21,463 --> 00:07:23,548
-Mr. Douglas, that was brilliant.
-Yes.

152
00:07:23,632 --> 00:07:26,969
My goodness, almost makes
me wish I was still married to Lilith.

153
00:07:28,053 --> 00:07:31,139
Now, we're probably gonna get rolling
sometime this week with depositions.

154
00:07:31,223 --> 00:07:34,226
So, you know, pick a day, we'll
get together, I will prepare you,

155
00:07:34,310 --> 00:07:37,063
but it's gonna be very low-key,
casual, over dinner or something.

156
00:07:37,147 --> 00:07:39,106
-You're due in court in ten minutes.
-Okay.

157
00:07:39,190 --> 00:07:40,316
-And, Donny?
-Yeah?

158
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,526
Mustard.

159
00:07:42,610 --> 00:07:44,028
Oh, oh.

160
00:07:44,112 --> 00:07:45,912
Jeez, was that there the whole time?

161
00:07:47,074 --> 00:07:49,160
That's so embarrassing.

162
00:07:56,500 --> 00:08:00,546
And, indeed, I had high
hopes for Niles and Maris,

163
00:08:00,630 --> 00:08:03,674
as is witnessed by my wedding toast,

164
00:08:03,758 --> 00:08:05,635
in which I combined
my heartfelt sentiments

165
00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:07,678
with apt quotations from Shakespeare,

166
00:08:07,762 --> 00:08:11,893
jazz great Louis Armstrong
and the poet Catullus.

167
00:08:12,476 --> 00:08:16,063
And so your answer would be,
"Yes, I attended their wedding"?

168
00:08:18,524 --> 00:08:21,068
Once again, Frasier, could you
try to keep your answers brief?

169
00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:23,905
-Well, I…
-Trust me, he did.

170
00:08:25,115 --> 00:08:27,575
All right, all right,
look, I'll try to do better.

171
00:08:27,659 --> 00:08:30,453
I still don't understand why they're
deposing Frasier before Niles.

172
00:08:30,537 --> 00:08:32,580
They like to question
friends and family first

173
00:08:32,664 --> 00:08:36,042
so they get as much information as
they can to try to catch Niles in a lie.

174
00:08:36,126 --> 00:08:38,629
They're also gonna allege
that during the separation,

175
00:08:38,713 --> 00:08:40,214
Niles was wasteful with money.

176
00:08:40,298 --> 00:08:43,259
-Oh! She's calling me wasteful?
-DONNY: Mm-hmm.

177
00:08:43,343 --> 00:08:46,137
Do you recall what she used to do
when our dogs needed a shampoo?

178
00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:48,764
Yes, she'd fill the bathtub with Evian.

179
00:08:48,848 --> 00:08:51,017
Half the time, she'd just get a new dog.

180
00:08:53,729 --> 00:08:54,855
Anyway, look, Frasier,

181
00:08:54,939 --> 00:08:57,524
they might ask you if you
witnessed any examples

182
00:08:57,608 --> 00:09:01,946
of Niles throwing money around.
And your answer would be…

183
00:09:04,114 --> 00:09:07,160
-Yes.
-No, no, no.

184
00:09:07,244 --> 00:09:10,288
The answer is, "Not to
the best of my recollection."

185
00:09:10,372 --> 00:09:14,960
-But I do recall, and I'll be under oath.
-Oh, please, not this again.

186
00:09:16,628 --> 00:09:18,839
As you figured out,
Frasier is a bit of a stickler

187
00:09:18,923 --> 00:09:21,175
when it comes to his ethics,
and I applaud him for it.

188
00:09:21,259 --> 00:09:23,177
-Oh, great.
-More coffee, anyone?

189
00:09:23,261 --> 00:09:25,846
No, thank you, Daphne.
I think I'm just about done here.

190
00:09:25,930 --> 00:09:28,223
In fact, I've got a conference
call back at the office.

191
00:09:28,307 --> 00:09:30,393
I'm gonna check to see
if that's still happening.

192
00:09:30,477 --> 00:09:32,937
Why don't you see if there's
questions we haven't done yet?

193
00:09:33,021 --> 00:09:35,607
-All right?
-Oh, all right, all right.

194
00:09:35,691 --> 00:09:38,860
No, we've done those, all right.
Oh, here's one:

195
00:09:38,944 --> 00:09:43,699
"Can you recall a specific
incident where Maris lost her temper

196
00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:48,496
or behaved in a way you'd
characterize as volatile or unstable?"

197
00:09:50,456 --> 00:09:53,292
[ALL LAUGHING]

198
00:09:53,376 --> 00:09:55,127
DONNY: You're kidding.

199
00:09:55,211 --> 00:09:58,465
No… Well, based on what? Oh, please.

200
00:09:58,549 --> 00:09:59,966
-Something wrong?
-No, it's okay.

201
00:10:00,050 --> 00:10:03,094
No, thank you, thank you, Maria, no.
Maris' lawyers, they kill me.

202
00:10:03,178 --> 00:10:05,597
All week long, it's been one
desperate ploy after another.

203
00:10:05,681 --> 00:10:08,266
-This is the best one yet.
-What is it?

204
00:10:08,350 --> 00:10:09,810
Now they're claiming
alienation of affection.

205
00:10:09,894 --> 00:10:11,729
You're kidding me. After what she did?

206
00:10:11,813 --> 00:10:13,606
Now they're saying
that during the marriage,

207
00:10:13,690 --> 00:10:15,274
Niles was in love with another woman.

208
00:10:15,358 --> 00:10:17,819
-Who?
-Oh, you.

209
00:10:19,404 --> 00:10:22,866
-Me?
-Dear God.

210
00:10:22,950 --> 00:10:26,161
That's absurd. Have you ever
heard anything so ridiculous?

211
00:10:26,245 --> 00:10:28,247
Well…

212
00:10:28,331 --> 00:10:31,000
Not to the best of my recollection.

213
00:10:36,631 --> 00:10:39,133
Why on earth would they think
Dr. Crane's in love with me?

214
00:10:39,217 --> 00:10:40,843
Oh, something about a country-club ball

215
00:10:40,927 --> 00:10:42,845
the two of you attended a few years back.

216
00:10:42,929 --> 00:10:44,681
-This is all based on that?
-Yeah.

217
00:10:44,765 --> 00:10:47,517
You caused quite a stir on
the dance floor or something.

218
00:10:47,601 --> 00:10:50,145
Yeah, we were just putting on
a show for his snobby friends.

219
00:10:50,229 --> 00:10:51,522
You must have been convincing

220
00:10:51,606 --> 00:10:54,108
because they're gonna
subpoena you for deposition.

221
00:10:54,192 --> 00:10:57,319
We can call their bluff right away,
you can come tomorrow with Frasier.

222
00:10:57,403 --> 00:10:58,821
-Fine by me.
-DONNY: Okay, great.

223
00:10:58,905 --> 00:11:01,323
Now, I'm gonna have to prepare
you for this because lawyers,

224
00:11:01,407 --> 00:11:03,994
they can twist your words around.
They get a judge to buy it,

225
00:11:04,078 --> 00:11:06,788
because of the prenup,
Maris can really stick it to Niles.

226
00:11:06,872 --> 00:11:09,624
-But I got this conference call…
-Well, I could come with you.

227
00:11:09,708 --> 00:11:12,294
-We'll get it done in an hour.
-DAPHNE: Just let me grab me coat.

228
00:11:12,378 --> 00:11:14,087
Don't you worry, Dr. Crane.

229
00:11:14,171 --> 00:11:16,121
DONNY: Now, Frasier, I hope you realize

230
00:11:16,383 --> 00:11:18,426
they're gonna ask you
about this business too.

231
00:11:18,510 --> 00:11:20,344
-Me?
-Yes, but don't worry.

232
00:11:20,428 --> 00:11:22,888
This is one time when
your compulsive truth-telling

233
00:11:22,972 --> 00:11:25,057
won't get us into any trouble.

234
00:11:25,141 --> 00:11:27,727
-Bye.
-MARTIN: Bye.

235
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:32,482
Well, that's it. It's over.
It's over, and I've lost.

236
00:11:32,566 --> 00:11:35,193
-Maris has won. Maris always wins.
-Niles.

237
00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:36,904
Niles never wins.

238
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:40,824
Niles always loses.
That's why Niles lives at the Shangri-la

239
00:11:40,908 --> 00:11:42,952
and drives a hatchback.

240
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,997
Niles, now, get a grip.
Maris' people are just fishing.

241
00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:48,416
We're the only ones who know
how you feel about Daphne.

242
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:51,961
Today. Tomorrow, everyone
will know, including Daphne.

243
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,504
This is how she's gonna find out.

244
00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:56,133
I wanted to whisper it to
her over a candlelight dinner,

245
00:11:56,217 --> 00:11:58,886
not have it read back to
her by a court stenographer.

246
00:11:58,970 --> 00:12:01,305
What are you talking about?
Frasier's not gonna tell.

247
00:12:01,389 --> 00:12:03,182
He'll be under oath. What if they ask him?

248
00:12:03,266 --> 00:12:05,977
Well, he'll just say no. Right, Fras?

249
00:12:11,358 --> 00:12:14,986
-Fras?
-Well, it's not that simple.

250
00:12:15,070 --> 00:12:16,863
You heard what he
said, I'll be under oath.

251
00:12:16,947 --> 00:12:19,616
Oh, my God, I can't breathe.

252
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:21,327
I can't breathe.

253
00:12:21,411 --> 00:12:23,329
Niles. Here.

254
00:12:23,413 --> 00:12:26,290
Put your head between your legs.
I'll get you some water.

255
00:12:26,374 --> 00:12:28,667
You'll be all right.
Just take a couple of deep breaths.

256
00:12:28,751 --> 00:12:33,214
NILES: if I could take deep breaths,
it would mean I could breathe.

257
00:12:33,298 --> 00:12:35,425
You're not gonna go and
blow this for him, are you?

258
00:12:35,509 --> 00:12:37,928
There's nothing I'd like to
do more than help my brother.

259
00:12:38,012 --> 00:12:40,180
I'd like to do it without
violating my ethics.

260
00:12:40,264 --> 00:12:42,099
But Maris is responsible for this divorce.

261
00:12:42,183 --> 00:12:44,434
Niles' feelings for Daphne
has nothing to do with it.

262
00:12:44,518 --> 00:12:47,146
Now, if you cover for Niles, you
won't be doing anything wrong.

263
00:12:47,230 --> 00:12:50,566
Dad, we are talking about perjury.
When is that ever acceptable?

264
00:12:50,650 --> 00:12:53,403
Oh, you want an example? Fine.

265
00:12:53,487 --> 00:12:56,614
Let's say, what if there was a
comet hurtling towards the Earth.

266
00:12:56,698 --> 00:12:57,782
For God's sake.

267
00:12:57,866 --> 00:13:00,160
You could save Earth, but
the only way you could do it

268
00:13:00,244 --> 00:13:02,788
is by lying under oath.
Would you do it then?

269
00:13:04,665 --> 00:13:07,876
-Who am I lying to, the comet?
-Oh, just answer the question.

270
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,295
All right, I suppose that
in certain extreme cases…

271
00:13:10,379 --> 00:13:12,047
So then you'd lie?

272
00:13:12,131 --> 00:13:15,468
To save mankind from a talking comet, yes.

273
00:13:15,552 --> 00:13:16,803
But you won't lie for Niles?

274
00:13:16,887 --> 00:13:18,888
You make me sound
like some insensitive lout

275
00:13:18,972 --> 00:13:21,266
who isn't aware that my
brother's out there in pain.

276
00:13:21,350 --> 00:13:23,143
Isn't that Niles' water?

277
00:13:23,227 --> 00:13:25,327
I'm just checking to
see it's not too cold.

278
00:13:27,357 --> 00:13:28,941
Niles?

279
00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:31,903
-Niles?
-I'm over here.

280
00:13:33,530 --> 00:13:35,573
The piano. Niles.

281
00:13:35,657 --> 00:13:37,616
Please, please, just
come out from under there.

282
00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:39,911
-Things are not that bad.
-Not that bad?

283
00:13:39,995 --> 00:13:41,913
Daphne is going to find out about this.

284
00:13:41,997 --> 00:13:44,750
Not if you crawl out before she gets home.

285
00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:48,044
Niles, please, come out here.
Now, come on.

286
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:50,422
Why should I?
There's nothing for me out there.

287
00:13:50,506 --> 00:13:54,385
It's all lawyers and
ex-wives and broken hearts.

288
00:13:54,469 --> 00:13:58,431
All I have to contend with under
here is a couple of dust bunnies.

289
00:13:58,515 --> 00:14:00,933
A few cobwebs.

290
00:14:01,017 --> 00:14:03,395
Some kind of a nest.

291
00:14:04,062 --> 00:14:07,774
Dear God, doesn't your vacuum
come with any attachments?

292
00:14:07,858 --> 00:14:10,194
All right, just sit tight
and I'll get you a wet cloth.

293
00:14:10,278 --> 00:14:12,237
Look what you've done.
I hope you're happy now.

294
00:14:12,321 --> 00:14:14,490
Do you really wanna
see me lying under oath?

295
00:14:14,574 --> 00:14:16,992
It's better than seeing your
brother lying under a piano.

296
00:14:17,076 --> 00:14:19,037
I can't believe you're
being casual about this.

297
00:14:19,121 --> 00:14:21,664
Do you realize you're asking
me to do something unethical?

298
00:14:21,748 --> 00:14:23,458
For God's sake, nobody's even gonna know.

299
00:14:23,542 --> 00:14:24,959
Yes, but that's the point.

300
00:14:25,043 --> 00:14:27,128
Ethics are what we do
when no one else is looking.

301
00:14:27,212 --> 00:14:29,172
For heaven's sake, I
learned that from you.

302
00:14:29,256 --> 00:14:31,382
Are you saying you wouldn't
have trouble with this?

303
00:14:31,466 --> 00:14:32,968
-Niles, here.
-Thank you.

304
00:14:33,052 --> 00:14:34,929
Let me tell you something.

305
00:14:35,013 --> 00:14:38,015
One time, when I was on the
force, I saw a guy shoot somebody.

306
00:14:38,099 --> 00:14:40,351
When we caught him, I
started to read him his rights,

307
00:14:40,435 --> 00:14:43,354
but he slipped out of his cuffs
and swung at me, so I didn't finish.

308
00:14:43,438 --> 00:14:45,106
Two months later, I'm on the stand

309
00:14:45,190 --> 00:14:47,651
and his lawyer asks me if
I read him his rights in full.

310
00:14:47,735 --> 00:14:49,486
Now, if I say no, this guy walks.

311
00:14:49,570 --> 00:14:52,197
And this guy's been in
and out of jail all his life.

312
00:14:52,281 --> 00:14:54,199
He could have read <i>me</i> his rights.
So I say:

313
00:14:54,283 --> 00:14:58,329
"Yes, I did, I read them in full."
I lied under oath.

314
00:14:58,413 --> 00:15:00,540
Now, you might think
that I did an unethical thing,

315
00:15:00,624 --> 00:15:04,586
but there's not a doubt in my
mind that I did the right thing.

316
00:15:08,923 --> 00:15:11,134
Well, Dad, I'm still not
sure what I'm gonna do.

317
00:15:11,218 --> 00:15:13,303
Why do you have to make
everything so complicated?

318
00:15:13,387 --> 00:15:15,639
I don't know.
But I'm never gonna figure out anything

319
00:15:15,723 --> 00:15:17,224
with you barking in my ear.

320
00:15:17,308 --> 00:15:19,017
-Where are you going?
-To get some air.

321
00:15:19,101 --> 00:15:23,063
Oh, yeah, yeah, run away,
just like you always do.

322
00:15:23,147 --> 00:15:25,275
Boy, I sometimes don't
understand your brother.

323
00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:28,653
I guess some of us can deal
with a tough situation head-on,

324
00:15:28,737 --> 00:15:31,907
and others just need an escape.

325
00:15:36,078 --> 00:15:37,287
[DOOR OPENS]

326
00:15:37,371 --> 00:15:40,249
Dr. Crane, they'll be ready
for you in just a few minutes.

327
00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:42,126
Thank you.

328
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:48,215
-Frasier. Hi. Have you…
-Oh, Niles. No, not yet.

329
00:15:48,299 --> 00:15:50,927
Daphne's still in the conference room.

330
00:15:51,011 --> 00:15:53,263
The place is slithering
with Maris' lawyers.

331
00:15:53,347 --> 00:15:55,891
Oh, yes.
Never a mongoose around when you need one.

332
00:15:57,476 --> 00:15:59,936
Listen, I'm sorry I ever
put you in this position.

333
00:16:00,020 --> 00:16:01,146
Niles, it's not your fault.

334
00:16:01,230 --> 00:16:03,566
No, listen, I thought a
lot about this last night,

335
00:16:03,650 --> 00:16:05,735
and I realized the way I
was carrying on yesterday

336
00:16:05,819 --> 00:16:09,280
was just making it harder for you to
do whatever you feel is the right thing.

337
00:16:09,364 --> 00:16:11,449
I'm still not really sure
what the right thing is.

338
00:16:11,533 --> 00:16:13,326
Well, if it makes any difference,

339
00:16:13,410 --> 00:16:15,953
I've decided to tell Donny
everything about Daphne.

340
00:16:16,037 --> 00:16:17,289
-Really?
-Yes.

341
00:16:17,373 --> 00:16:20,083
-He can proceed however he sees fit.
-But why, Niles?

342
00:16:20,167 --> 00:16:22,127
Well, I started to wonder,

343
00:16:22,211 --> 00:16:26,048
maybe my feelings for
Daphne did affect my marriage.

344
00:16:26,132 --> 00:16:29,092
Maybe on some intuitive
level, Maris knew all along.

345
00:16:29,176 --> 00:16:31,596
I can't be certain that's not
what drove her to Schenkman.

346
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,766
Listen to me. The only reason
that marriage lasted as long as it did

347
00:16:34,850 --> 00:16:36,934
was because of the
effort that you put into it,

348
00:16:37,018 --> 00:16:39,687
from the moment you slipped
that ring onto her bony finger

349
00:16:39,771 --> 00:16:41,982
and it slipped right off again.

350
00:16:43,526 --> 00:16:46,446
There is no way that
this divorce is your fault.

351
00:16:47,613 --> 00:16:50,199
-I wish I could be sure of that.
-Okay, Frasier… Oh, Niles.

352
00:16:50,283 --> 00:16:52,284
Good.
Frasier, they're just about ready for you.

353
00:16:52,368 --> 00:16:55,287
Wait for me outside the conference room.
And don't go in without me.

354
00:16:55,371 --> 00:16:57,207
I want a word alone
with your brother here.

355
00:16:57,291 --> 00:16:59,209
Right.

356
00:16:59,293 --> 00:17:01,294
Wish there was
something I could do, Niles.

357
00:17:01,378 --> 00:17:04,005
Well, there is.
When you go home this afternoon,

358
00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:06,383
leave a bottle of sherry under the piano.

359
00:17:09,679 --> 00:17:12,723
Wait for me. Okay.

360
00:17:12,807 --> 00:17:15,393
Glad you're here. There's
something I wanna talk to you about.

361
00:17:15,477 --> 00:17:17,561
-Yeah, I need to talk to you too.
-No, me first.

362
00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:20,064
Now, the only way this
relationship is gonna work, Niles,

363
00:17:20,148 --> 00:17:22,108
is if we're completely
honest with each other.

364
00:17:22,192 --> 00:17:23,485
-I agree.
-I've been digging.

365
00:17:23,569 --> 00:17:25,320
I found out you've been holding out on me.

366
00:17:25,404 --> 00:17:26,947
Yes, and I'm very sorry about that.

367
00:17:27,031 --> 00:17:29,157
You didn't tell me where
Maris' money came from.

368
00:17:29,241 --> 00:17:30,910
It's never easy…

369
00:17:31,786 --> 00:17:33,787
-Maris' money?
-Yeah.

370
00:17:33,871 --> 00:17:37,041
I mean, you told me that Maris'
family money came from timber.

371
00:17:37,125 --> 00:17:38,725
It did. It did come from timber.

372
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:44,298
-Oh, that's what you really think.
-Well, of course, it's true.

373
00:17:44,382 --> 00:17:46,384
And that's what all of
Maris' friends think too?

374
00:17:46,468 --> 00:17:47,719
All those country-club snobs

375
00:17:47,803 --> 00:17:50,097
who would kill for a good
piece of dirt on someone?

376
00:17:50,181 --> 00:17:51,348
What are you talking about?

377
00:17:51,432 --> 00:17:54,782
If her family money didn't come
from timber, where did it come from?

378
00:18:09,326 --> 00:18:11,537
Urinal cakes?

379
00:18:14,289 --> 00:18:17,501
I don't believe this.

380
00:18:17,585 --> 00:18:21,088
All these years, the
doyenne of Seattle's elite

381
00:18:21,172 --> 00:18:23,090
looking down her nose
at everyone in sight,

382
00:18:23,174 --> 00:18:25,301
she owes it all to this.

383
00:18:25,385 --> 00:18:28,597
She's managed to have
her urinal cake and eat it too.

384
00:18:29,807 --> 00:18:32,350
Yes, I think we now have what's
known in the legal profession

385
00:18:32,434 --> 00:18:33,894
as a bargaining chip.

386
00:18:33,978 --> 00:18:36,396
Are you kidding?
She'd give anything to keep this quiet.

387
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,315
All right, let me go
talk to Maris' lawyers.

388
00:18:38,399 --> 00:18:40,902
No, no, no, there's some news
you want to deliver yourself.

389
00:18:40,986 --> 00:18:43,279
-May I?
-Absolutely.

390
00:18:43,363 --> 00:18:45,073
[NILES HUMMING]

391
00:18:48,118 --> 00:18:50,828
Hello, Marta. Like to speak to Maris.

392
00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:52,372
Oh, why not?

393
00:18:53,456 --> 00:18:54,625
Ah.

394
00:18:54,709 --> 00:18:57,127
She's in the final level of
her guru serenity training,

395
00:18:57,211 --> 00:19:00,255
the weeklong vow of silence, day six.

396
00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:02,966
No, that's all right.
She doesn't have to come to the phone.

397
00:19:03,050 --> 00:19:07,848
Just give her this message:
I've "flushed out" her family secret.

398
00:19:09,766 --> 00:19:13,896
Hello, Maris.

399
00:19:15,814 --> 00:19:18,399
I can't remember the
last time I felt this way.

400
00:19:18,483 --> 00:19:21,487
The air is sweeter, colors are brighter.

401
00:19:21,571 --> 00:19:23,989
It's as if my very senses have come alive.

402
00:19:24,073 --> 00:19:26,617
It makes perfect sense.
You've just won your life back.

403
00:19:26,701 --> 00:19:28,619
Frasier, watch this. Excuse me, excuse me.

404
00:19:28,703 --> 00:19:32,248
Today's special blend,
Jamaican Blue Mountain.

405
00:19:32,332 --> 00:19:34,251
-Yes, it is.
-Oh, Niles, that was very good.

406
00:19:34,335 --> 00:19:35,752
That's my favorite. Well done.

407
00:19:35,836 --> 00:19:38,588
The beans were gathered on the
shady side of the northern slope…

408
00:19:38,672 --> 00:19:40,382
Don't push it.

409
00:19:41,050 --> 00:19:43,760
I still can't believe this is all over.

410
00:19:43,844 --> 00:19:46,931
And I never dreamed I'd
get a settlement like that.

411
00:19:47,015 --> 00:19:51,185
I'll be able to get my whole
life back, my apartment, my car.

412
00:19:51,269 --> 00:19:53,145
I owe it all to one amazing man.

413
00:19:53,229 --> 00:19:55,979
Well, thank you, Niles,
but I can't take all the credit.

414
00:19:56,858 --> 00:19:58,234
I know, you're thinking of Donny.

415
00:19:58,318 --> 00:20:00,320
Well, don't think I'm not
grateful for all you did.

416
00:20:00,404 --> 00:20:01,572
To tell the truth,

417
00:20:01,656 --> 00:20:04,032
if it hadn't been for me badgering
you to change your lawyers,

418
00:20:04,116 --> 00:20:06,702
Donny Douglas never
would've come into your life.

419
00:20:06,786 --> 00:20:08,120
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

420
00:20:08,955 --> 00:20:11,957
Of course, we mustn't
forget Roz's part in all of this.

421
00:20:12,041 --> 00:20:14,502
Waiter.
Who understands why anything happens?

422
00:20:14,586 --> 00:20:15,712
I mean, it's remarkable

423
00:20:15,796 --> 00:20:18,757
how completely one's life
can change in an instant.

424
00:20:22,886 --> 00:20:24,638
Oh, Niles.

425
00:20:26,307 --> 00:20:27,391
Hi, you two.

426
00:20:27,475 --> 00:20:29,602
-Oh, hello.
-Oh, hi. Hi, how are you doing?

427
00:20:29,686 --> 00:20:33,272
Oh, congratulations, Dr. Crane.
I'm so happy for you.

428
00:20:33,356 --> 00:20:34,481
Thank you, Daphne.

429
00:20:34,565 --> 00:20:36,191
What are you two doing here together?

430
00:20:36,275 --> 00:20:38,068
DONNY: Oh, well, you
know, we were talking,

431
00:20:38,152 --> 00:20:41,281
we got a little hungry, and then
we drank a little bit too much wine,

432
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:42,782
and we laughed a little too much.

433
00:20:42,866 --> 00:20:44,993
Listen to us, we sound
like an old married couple.

434
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:48,121
I know. You know, Frasier, if you
hadn't brought Niles to the office,

435
00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:49,831
then none of this would have happened.

436
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,041
I guess I owe you one.

437
00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:54,838
Well, now, we mustn't
forget Roz's part in all of this.

438
00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:56,756
[SNIFFS]

439
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,135
Mm. That scent is wonderful. What is that?

440
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:03,847
Cherry bark and almonds.