[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Tricia, I am so very sorry. Have you been waiting long?
Let's see. We were supposed to meet at noon
and it's now quarter to 1:00.
Well, I do apologize. It's just that the most extraordinary thing happened.
At least I'll get a colorful anecdote out of this.
What was it?
My watch stopped.
I got to go.
No, no, no, that really is extraordinary.
It's a very fine Swiss timepiece. It only loses a minute per decade.
You've had it for what, 450 years?
I'm sorry, Frasier, I have an appointment at 1:00.
No, no, no. Please, please. Let me have another chance.
I so enjoyed meeting you last night. I'd love to get to know you better.
Well, I suppose even Swiss watches sometimes stop.
You'd be amazed how much fondue gets overcooked that way.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
How about lunch tomorrow? I know the maître d' at La Petite Bistro.
He'll give us the best table in the house.
Please?
Well, okay. I'll meet you there at 1:00.
That's when the little hand is on the one…
-Yes, yes, I know, I know. -Okay.
-See you then. -Okay.
-Frasier. -Oh, Niles.
Thank God you have room. I just spent 10 stupefying minutes
sharing a table with a taxidermist.
He doesn't have to stuff his trophies. He can just bore them stiff.
Oh, well…
Who was that woman?
A young lady I met during intermission at the opera last night.
I swear, Niles, it was remarkable.
Our hands touched, there was a spark.
After 10 minutes of conversation, I knew I had to know this young woman better.
Ever experience that?
Actually, yes, I do know a thing or two about the spark of attraction.
-Yeah? -I…
Oh, excuse me. Can I have a non-fat cappuccino, please?
Well, what am I to deduce
-that you've recently gotten lucky? -[GIGGLES]
Yes, and here's the kicker. She lives in your building.
Five floors down. Allison Landis.
You little sneak. I don't even know the woman. How did you two meet?
We were just chatting on the elevator. I walked her to her car,
where, it turned out, she'd locked her keys inside.
My resourcefulness saved the day.
Did you fish them out with a coat hanger?
I called the Auto Club. Where would I find a coat hanger?
Anyway, she invited me to join her for lunch.
-We hit it off. -Mm.
The next night, I took her to dinner, one thing led to another,
and soon, there was no further need for words.
Except for your frantically babbled thank-yous.
Oh, well.
I'm seeing her again tonight, so you'll understand
if I'm a bit drained tomorrow during our squash game.
My lovemaking can get slightly athletic.
That's more than can be said for your squash game.
Thank you.
It's funny.
I've been away from the seduction scene so long,
-I was worried I'd lost my technique. -Yes, Niles.
Were those fears ever groundless.
Mm-hm.
You know, it's like French.
You can go without speaking it for years,
and then just a few hours on the old Boulevard d'Amour
and you, uh… Where are you going?
To sit with the taxidermist.
I can't believe this has happened to me two days in a row.
You had car trouble. It can happen to anyone.
Maybe she's still at La Petite Bistro.
-She isn't. -What?
If you're talking about someone named Tricia,
-she called to say she was leaving. -[GROANS]
She also said you were right about the table.
It was a beautiful table in a prime location,
and that she wished you were laid out dead on top of it.
Oh, God.
Ah. It's her machine.
Hello, Tricia, it's Frasier.
Look, I'm terribly sorry, but it's just that…
My car battery went dead at a light
and I didn't have my cell phone with me.
By the time I got a jump, I couldn't go directly to the restaurant
because I was wearing these ridiculous shorts.
I know how this sounds, but it's the truth.
Just ask my brother.
-They're ridiculous shorts. -Oh.
Anyway, please, give me one more chance.
I'll go anywhere, any time, just…
Give me a call… please.
-May I have the phone? -Hm? Yes, of course.
God, I had such high hopes for this young woman.
Now I've gone and blown it twice.
-Whom are you calling? -Allison.
-Oh. -It's been hours since we spoke.
[SEDUCTIVELY] Hello there.
How're you feeling?
Uh-huh.
Me, too.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, for God's sake, take it in my bedroom.
You're making the dog twitch.
Frasier, you'll be so excited when you hear what I planned for your birthday.
Dad, please, I said I didn't want any fuss this year.
Well, get ready to change your mind,
'cause I scored tickets, Friday night,
to the best show in town.
-"Chimps on Ice." -Yes.
Oh, my.
Yeah. I know this doesn't sound like your cup of tea, but trust me.
Duke saw it, and he busted a gut.
-Well, Dad, I'm sure… -And mind you,
he even saw it with the understudy.
Dad, look, I really don't feel like going out on my birthday this year.
-Are you sure? -Yes, I've made plans already.
I was gonna stay home and watch television.
The opera's mounting a new production of Così fan tutte.
Oh. Well, no wonder, then.
Okay, but you're missing a treat.
Duke said at the finale,
the whole cast skates to the top of this ramp
and then, splat, right into a tank of whipped cream.
Bet they don't do that at your opera.
No, and Mozart's still kicking himself.
Yeah. Come on, boy.
Frasier…
Are you familiar with the Safari Club?
Of course I'm familiar with them. Their yearly expeditions are remarkable.
They're more than remarkable. They're legend.
They made camp at Mount Everest,
then had their servants climb it while they held a wine-tasting.
So why are you telling me this?
Because Allison is a member.
This Friday night, they're having a black tie reception at her place,
-and we're invited. -That's incredible.
Oh, my goodness. Oh!
-Consider it your birthday present. -Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
Oh, I told Dad I was gonna stay home. You mustn't tell him about this.
Oh, don't worry. He'll never suspect.
I told him I was gonna be away for the weekend.
Great. Perfect. Wait a minute. You knew about this yesterday?
Uh, no, but I knew about "Chimps on Ice."
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
I am so looking forward to this.
I understand one of the members
is going to show an old film he made
of the rare and endangered species found only in the rain forest.
-[DOORBELL RINGS] -Maris would've loved it.
Oh? Why so?
She had shoes made from almost all of them.
-Allison. -Niles.
And this must be Frasier.
-Hello. -Come in, both of you.
There are lots of people I'd like you to meet.
Ah.
The bar is over there and the hors d'oeuvres are here.
We have some fascinating delicacies,
actually bagged by our own members.
This is ostrich. That's wildebeest. And that's springbok.
You know, I can never remember which.
Is it "fall ahead, springbok" or vice versa? [LAUGHING]
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Oh, good heavens.
-I forgot I had this on me. -Don't apologize. I do it myself.
Even in the veldt, one must keep in touch with one's broker.
Yes…
Here, you can have privacy in the study.
Thank you. Hello?
-You look ravishing tonight. -Thank you.
But, listen, I think you and I should be very discreet tonight.
Oh. Well…
I'm a psychiatrist.
If I can't be discreet, then it don't rain in Tanganyika.
Good. After all, if in the near future,
you should happen to be up for a membership in our little club,
I want to appear completely objective when I sing your praises.
My ears are already burning.
Frasier.
We're being considered for membership. Allison as much as said it.
We must do everything to show them how enthusiastic we are.
I have to leave.
-What? -Niles.
That was Tricia on the phone.
She's going out of town tonight for a month.
But if I pick her up at her place, we can join each other for a drink.
But… Are you insane?
This is the Safari Club.
These are the people who introduced badminton to Devil's Island.
Rumor has it they challenged the lepers of Molokai to a three-legged race.
I don't care.
It was kismet when I met this young woman.
I am not giving up an opportunity to see her.
But to leave two minutes after you've arrived?
-You're going to ruin both our chances. -I'll make a proper excuse.
Excuse me, Allison.
Yes, I'm terribly sorry.
It seems I'm coming down with a touch of something.
-I'm going to have to leave. -You poor man.
If you feel better, please do come back down.
We'll be here all evening.
Thank you, but I don't really see that there's much hope.
Yes, I'm just stopping by my place to pick up my keys.
I will see you in 10 minutes.
And Tricia… I can't wait.
All right. Bye.
Surprise!
[CROWD LAUGHING]
You didn't think we were gonna let you stay home alone on your birthday, did you?
-Look at his face. He can't believe it. -No, I certainly can't.
But why are you dressed like that?
Well, I dress like this sometimes when I watch the opera on television.
That's up there on the dork meter.
Since I'm not going to be watching the opera,
perhaps I could buy a new videotape, so I could record it.
We're way ahead of you. Your father has the VCR set up.
Let's get things started. Here you go. Happy birthday.
Well, thank you, Bulldog.
Thank you, all. I…
Oh, well, David Copperfield.
Dickens' classic tale of a young man making his way in the world. [CHUCKLES]
I think we're talking about different movies here.
Hmm?
Hm. David Cop-A-Feel. Well…
But you were right about the classic tail part.
[LAUGHING]
Hey, you need a brew? I'm headed that way.
No, no, thanks.
I'd love a cup of hot tea with lemon.
Hey, I'm fetching, not cooking.
It's okay, Roz.
There's a kettle of boiling water on the stove.
-Here you are. -Well, thank you, Daphne.
-Don't be mad at your father. -Uh…
He just wanted to do something nice for your birthday,
after you turned thumbs down on the skating monkeys.
-Hey, great party, huh? -Yes. Thanks.
As long as we got enough ice. We got four bags, right?
-No, I got two. -Two? I told you to get four bags!
Oh, God, here we go.
Well, you never under-budget on the ice. You never know.
You might get more a lot more rocks drinkers than you expected
or ice-chewers…
Dad, I can go get some more ice.
We don't need any more ice.
We've got plenty. There's a whole tub of it.
Yes, well, then…
Excuse me. I need to make a call.
MARTIN: I just don't see why you couldn't get four bags.
Tricia, Frasier. Look, I've been detained.
Yes, I know that you really don't want to hear why, but…
You know what? I think I can find a way to get out of here.
Yes. I'll see you in a few minutes.
Dad! Bad news.
Seems your ice is melting awfully fast.
-What? -Don't worry. I'll go get some more.
-No, it's your party. I'll go. -But Roz, I want to go.
-You just got here. -But it's my birthday.
I can do whatever on my birthday. I wanna get some ice.
MARTIN: I knew it! I warned her! It's practically gone!
Don't worry, Dad, I'm on it!
-I'll be glad to go… -Roz, I want to go!
I know what kind Dad likes!
FRASIER: No, no. No, don't stop on 14. Don't stop on 14.
No, don't… No, no.
[FRASIER GROANS]
Frasier.
I'm delighted you're feeling better. You're just in time.
We're about to start the film. Wait till you see it.
Just grab a chair before all the good seats are gone.
-What are you doing here? -Wishing I had taken the stairs.
Watch it.
If I wanted this martini shaken,
I'd have asked the bartender to do it.
Mustn't mind old Rhino.
Always in a vile mood.
Rhino?
Karl Landis. Allison's husband.
They call him Rhino because of his mean temper.
Husband.
Allison's married?
Not surprised people don't know.
Man's always on safari.
Loves guns.
Guns and women. No secret.
Notorious for it.
Cheats on her constantly.
Mark my words.
One of these days, she'll pay him back
and then rub his bloodthirsty nose in it, yeah.
Here's something interesting. I think I just swallowed my tongue.
Niles, Niles, just be calm. Be calm. What's done is done.
You didn't know. Now it's over.
As long as you've both been discreet, no reason it should get back to Rhino.
-I don't know what you're insinuating. -Well, don't lie.
Everyone knows what goes on in that pop tent.
Well, I can play at that game too.
In fact, I already have,
and with somebody right here tonight.
How do you like that?
Frasier, I have to ask a small favor. I need you to create a distraction
while I have a sex change and move to Europe.
I'm sorry, Niles.
I would love to stay and help, but I've gotta get out of here myself.
We're ready for the movie.
-Mind helping me turn out the lights? -Splendid idea.
You're gonna want it nice and dark in here, aren't you?
You should've told me you were married. I have to leave.
Don't be a fool. If he sees someone sneaking out of here,
that's the first person he'll suspect.
FRASIER: All set?
And it's show time.
NARRATOR: Here, under the leafy canopy of the rain forest,
the sun never penetrates the gloom of the interior.
An almost subterr…
-What happened? -Did someone pull the plug out?
Yep. Here it is. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
All right, lights out.
There you go.
NARRATOR: This hidden kingdom, deep in the underbrush,
and all manner of creature…
RHINO: What was that?
Well, someone certainly snuck out of here in a hurry.
I know what you're all thinking.
Now that Allison has seen fit to air our dirty laundry in public,
you assume that was her lover.
[GASPS]
But I know it wasn't.
[GASPS]
How?
Because I can sense that he's still here.
In the jungle, I learned to smell fear,
and I smell it now.
So…
Let's see whether the swine has guts to stand up and admit it
before I expose him.
What about it, coward?
Going to stand up?
RHINO: That many.
My God, woman, you're as bad as I am.
Come on, you bastards, join me in a drink. Ha, ha.
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]
Hello.
Hi, Dr. Crane.
We're all just on our way up to your place.
Noel. [CHUCKLES] So you are.
Hi, Tom. Janet. Bill.
I was just heading down. We're out of ice.
Oh, not anymore.
I brought a 20-pound bag.
Just call me Noel Shempsky, party saver.
[STAMMERING]
Here's the ice.
Here, Noel, put that in the kitchen. Come on in, everybody.
You know, Dad, I've done the silliest thing.
I went out without my wallet. They gave me the ice,
but I have to go back and pay them.
At least play the last round of charades with us.
-I should be getting back there. -But you love sha-rods.
-Charades. -Shut up.
Anyway, it's not going to kill them to wait a few minutes for their money.
Be on our team. We really suck at this game.
Noel, you're on our team. The category is famous play titles.
I'm a bear at charades.
You ready?
-Yeah. -All right, go.
Okay.
ALL: Three words. First word.
-Morning. -Mourning Becomes Electra.
-Yes! -BULLDOG: What?!
Four seconds?
[ALL CHEERING]
Well done, Roz. Nice playing with you. I'm out of here. Bye-bye.
Hey, wait a second. You have to take a turn.
-No, I… Well, really? -You have 30 seconds to prepare.
Well, all right. Maybe I'll just… prepare in the kitchen.
Excuse me.
Tricia. You're going to laugh when you hear this.
Hello? Tricia?
Fine.
Ha, ha.
The Iceman Cometh.
-All right. -ROZ: Ready?
Okay, go.
-Three words. Three words. -First word. First word.
MARTIN: A small word. Okay.
Uh, on, in, of, to…
Be, is, it, I, you, me…
MARTIN: They, them, us, we, me, she…
Forget about it.
Second word. Two syllables.
First syllable.
Cold, cold, chilly, freezing, winter!
MARTIN: Uh, snow, sleet, hail, frost…
Frostbite. Gangrene!
Gangrene?
No talking allowed.
Aah!
Second syllable.
Shrink!
Doctor. Dork!
MARTIN: Person.
Guy, male, man.
Man. Man. Man.
Let's see. Icy cold man.
Ice, man.
-Got it! -Thank you.
-Frosty the Snowman! -Yes!
No, you jackass!
The Iceman Cometh!
Disqualified.
You two are the worst charades players I've ever seen in my life.
My God, those skating chimps could…
Well, you did your best. We'll get them next time. Off I go.
No, wait, wait, Frasier.
We still have one little consolation prize for you.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Look, he's crying.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Frasier ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Made it.
Boy, are you wrong.
-Oh, Tricia, please. -Save it, Frasier.
I have a plane leaving for Spokane in an hour.
My cab is on the way, so why don't you just be on your way too.
Would it make any difference if I told you I had to sneak out of a birthday party
being given for me by my own father just to come here?
Yeah, right. It's your birthday.
Look, if you don't believe me, here, just see for yourself.
In fact, it's turning out to be the worst birthday party I've had since I was 8
when I pinned the tail on Sally Annunciato.
She shoved a cupcake down my shorts.
Wow.
You really blew off your own birthday party just to come meet me.
I would have done almost anything to get to know you better.
Well, that's very sweet, Frasier, and I wish I had more time,
but I have an 8 a.m. appointment in Spokane,
and I can't miss my plane.
I could drive you.
But it's only 20 minutes to the airport. It's hardly worth it.
I wasn't talking about the airport.
What?
I can have you in Spokane in six hours.
That gives us enough time to get acquainted.
Oh, no. I can't ask you to do that.
You didn't ask. I offered.
Look, I want to do it. Here.
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
Well, the way I see it, one of two things can happen.
Either we'll discover that we've foolishly built each other up
in our own imaginations
because we had such trouble getting together, or…
This could end up being a story we tell our grandchildren.
Personally, I can't wait to find out which.
Me either.
Oh, boy.
Well…
Off we go.
[SIGHS]
I thought I'd find us a little background music.
Good idea.
-Looking for some more opera? -Heck, no.
The one the other night was my first and last.
I was dragged to it by one of my converts.
There we go.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
-Converts, you say? -Mm-hm.
I'm one of the Truth-Bringers.
I was ordained by Brother Carmichael himself.
The evangelist?
I go door-to-door, spreading his word.
Listen, do you mind my asking something?
Have you heard the truth?
Something tells me I'm about to.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Thank you!