[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-Dear God. -Hey, Frasier.
It's a minefield out there.
Everywhere I go people are talking about this miniseries I've been watching.
Oh, yeah. Did you see the ending last night when that…
Bup, bup, bup. I attended a benefit last night.
I had to tape it. I have yet to see it.
Oh. Well, who would've thought it? Mr. PBS watching a trashy miniseries.
I don't think it's trashy at all.
I think the intricacies of the plot are downright Dickensian.
Yeah, Angie Dickensian.
I'm just having a difficult time finding a conversation
where I can avoid people telling me the ending.
-Hi, Roz, did you watch last night? -Yes.
-Oh, wasn't it… -Goodbye, Betty.
-Hey, Dr. Crane. How was your day? -Interminable.
-Is the tape in the VCR? -Yes, it's all cued up.
You've got to call me when you get to the part with Heather's baby.
-Heather had a baby? -Sorry.
Who's the father? Oh, no, don't tell me.
-I'll put your popcorn in the microwave. -Thank you.
[SIGHS]
[EXHALES]
-Hey, Fras. -Hi, Dad.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Look, I got some bad news.
There isn't a good way to tell you something like this.
Your god-uncle died.
My… god-uncle?
There's no such thing as a god-uncle.
Yes, there is. It's your godfather's brother.
You remember your god-uncle Charlie.
No. I barely even remember my godfather. He died 20 years ago.
Yeah? Now his brother's dead too, so shake a leg.
The wake's in 20 minutes.
As much as I'd like to pay my respects, catch up with my god-cousins
and meet the god-neighbors,
I have urgent business that just can't wait until later.
All right, here's your popcorn and the remote.
There, enjoy your show.
Oh, all right. One hour. I don't even know why I'm going.
The man was a ghoul. He used to hide his glass eye in my marble bag.
-I knew you remembered him. -[DOORBELL RINGS]
Just give me a couple of minutes to get changed.
All right.
-Hello, Frasier. -Oh. Hello, Niles.
Oh, Niles. You'd be smart to get out.
Dad's dragging me to a wake for my god-uncle Charlie.
Is he the one who used to plop his eyeball into his mashed potatoes and say,
-"I'm watching what I eat"? -Yes.
-So is Daphne here? -Yes, she is. Why?
I'm asking her out on a date. And don't give me that look.
Why shouldn't I? She's single. I'm single. That's what single people do.
-Are you sure you're ready for this? -Will you stop it?
I'm not talking about eloping here. It's just dinner.
Well, all right. I suppose you've thought this through.
-Maybe it is time. -Time for what?
Time for me to, uh, put this popcorn away for later.
Aren't you gonna watch your program?
Apparently he has to take Dad to a wake.
Oh.
-Listen, Daphne, do you have a minute? -Sure.
I have something I wanted to ask you. Uh…
It's nothing earth-shattering. It's just, uh…
Yes?
What's that perfume you're wearing?
Leave it to you to notice. It's Obsession.
No, it isn't. I was just curious.
No, I'm quite sure it's Calvin Klein's Obsession.
Oh, yes. It's very pleasing.
I even spray a bit on my brush and comb it through my air.
Silly, really. As if anyone's gonna smell my hair.
[DAPHNE CHUCKLES]
-Well, what did she say? -I couldn't do it.
I was about to ask the question, then suddenly all I could think of was
what if she said no?
Oh, Niles.
It's no surprise.
After all you've been through with Maris, you are just scared of another rejection.
I was more than scared. I was terrified.
I can't go on like this, worshiping Daphne from afar.
Do you know how frustrating it is to be completely in love with someone
and not be able to tell her how you feel?
I'm sorry. I just came back for the fabric softener.
I didn't mean… I'm sorry.
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -Oh, my God.
Frasier, how long was she standing there?
I don't know. If I'd known Daphne was standing there,
I would've said, "Shut up. Daphne's standing there."
You saw how she ran out. She heard everything.
Niles, Niles, listen, just calm down.
This may be for the best. You said you wanted to take the next step.
Yeah, the next step. I was just hurled down the entire flight of stairs.
I can't believe this is happening.
Did Daphne really hear me say I'm completely in love with…
[NILES YELLS]
I'm sorry. I really do need that fabric softener.
-Niles, you've got to talk to her. -Now? I can't.
If you wait, it'll only become incredibly awkward.
You can't leave things like this.
Come on, you've got to resolve it now. Go. Go.
Daphne…
-Oh, Dr. Crane, I didn't… -Excuse me, I…
-I hope you don't think I… -No, I… Go ahead.
I'm terribly sorry. I know I wasn't supposed to hear that.
No, I'm glad you heard.
It's something I've been wanting to tell you for the longest time.
Well, what took you so long?
I think it's wonderful.
You do?
Yes, of course I do.
Oh, you dear, sweet man, give me a hug.
[DAPHNE LAUGHING]
[NILES LAUGHING]
So who is she?
-Who? -This woman you're so in love with.
Who is she?
You didn't hear that part, did you?
No. So come on, what's her name? You can't back out now.
No, you're right. I can't.
Okay, her name. Well…
Her name just happens to be…
Da… Phyllis.
Well, I've never heard that name, Da-Phyllis.
-It's a family name. -Oh.
Her friends call her Phyllis.
Excuse me.
I'll get some water.
-Where's Niles? -Oh, he's in the kitchen.
I'm sorry to barge in on you like that.
That's all right, Daphne.
-Did you and Niles have a little chat? -Oh, yes.
He was a bit shy at first, but then he came clean.
I couldn't be happier.
That is wonderful. Let me be the first to raise a glass to…
To God-Uncle Charlie.
You know, as long as you're doing laundry, the kitchen towels could use a washing.
Oh, and my oven mitts are getting a bit crunchy.
All right, then.
What the hell is going on?
All she heard was that I was in love with someone.
She never heard who, and when she asked, I panicked and blurted out the first name
-that popped into my head: Phyllis. -Phyllis?
It's a neighbor I saw on the elevator.
The woman had a sesame seed stuck between her front teeth.
-It was the size of a blanched almond. -Oh, good Lord.
Maybe it was a blanched almond.
If she had Mueslix for breakfast, it could…
Niles, stop!
You have got to clear this up.
Oh, uh, well, I'm off to bring the car around for Dad.
-Bye-bye. -Bye.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
All right, now, tell me more about this Phyllis.
Oh. Actually, Daphne, I'd rather not.
Oh, come on. You said you wanted to talk about it.
-So have you asked her out yet? -No.
And why not? You said you were in love with her.
-In love with who? -Phyllis.
MARTIN: Who's Phyllis?
-A woman I met. -DAPHNE: He's quite keen on her.
I've just been giving him some dating advice.
Oh, Niles. All you need to know is that women go crazy for flattery.
Doesn't matter if it's a big fat lie. They'll still buy it.
But whatever advice Daphne's giving you must be great
because she's smart as a whip.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Crane.
So tell me about this dream woman of yours.
-Oh, I don't know. -Oh, come on.
I can see you're crazy about her.
Well… all right.
She's very beautiful. And very sweet.
And she has a smile that makes my knees weaken.
You know, Dr. Crane, if this woman is as wonderful as you say she is,
then you shouldn't waste another moment.
-She won't be on the market forever. -You're right.
I've been a fool to hesitate as long as I have.
-That's the spirit. -I'm gonna do it.
Good for you. Don't leave time for second thoughts.
-You go ask her out this instant. -Daphne, that won't be necessary.
I know you're feeling brave, but it's quite nasty out.
-No, you don't understand. -[THUNDER CRASHING]
I don't have to leave this room to ask "Phyllis" on a date.
-You don't? -No. Because…
Because you see, Daphne…
I know her work number by heart.
Well, then.
-Oh, look at me. My heart's racing. -Mine too.
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
Phyllis, hello. Niles Crane.
How are you? [CHUCKLES] Um…
I was wondering if you would wanna have dinner with me sometime.
NILES [ON MACHINE]: You would?
How about tonight at my place?
Eight o'clock sounds great.
NILES: So, anyway, what would you do if you were in my position?
Would you tell her everything and just let the chips fall where they may, or…
Oh. Yeah.
-Well, I do see your point. -[DOORBELL RINGS]
I have to run.
So I'll take the three-year subscription and the travel clock.
-Daphne. -Hello.
I was out doing some shopping,
and I thought you might need some dessert for your big dinner with Phyllis tonight.
Oh, yes. Well, I was just doing some last-minute tidying up for that.
Yeah, and I suppose you've got about eight things cooking on the stove.
-Of course. -So I'll get out of your way.
-Oh, thanks. -Soon as I pop this in the fridge.
Oh, no, please, don't trouble yourself. I'll do it.
Dr. Crane, there's barely enough pasta here for one person.
Is this your idea of a romantic dinner?
-Well… -Well, thank heavens I stopped by.
I can whip up a salad with what's in here.
I'll stick this roast in the microwave to defrost.
-Where do you keep your cooking sherry? -You know what? You're right.
I am completely under prepared for this.
Why don't I call Phyllis and put her off till next week?
You're not backing out of this now. Look, don't worry.
I'll fix this place right up for a nice intimate evening.
Candles, some soft music…
I know those things always put me in a romantic mood.
Well, I suppose it would be rude of me to cancel.
Of course it would. Now hurry up and get ready.
And wear that blue blazer.
-No woman can resist you in that. -Right.
Oh, good Lord, look at the time.
Honestly, Dr. Crane, sometimes I wonder
what kind of a fantasy world you're living in. Now go on.
[ARIA PLAYING ON STEREO]
Oh… don't you look handsome.
Thank you. Daphne, this place looks wonderful.
An excellent choice of music. I love this aria.
Yes, she has a gorgeous voice, doesn't she?
It's a pity she never got quite the recognition
of a Joan Sutherland or a Renata Tebaldi.
I had no idea you knew so much about sopranos.
Yeah, well, you don't live with your brother for five years
and not learn a thing or two about divas.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
By the way, the roast is coming along nicely.
-How are you at chopping vegetables? -Are you kidding?
You don't get forearms like these from just conducting your stereo.
You know, I'm very excited for you.
-I just love first dates. -Oh, I don't see why.
They're always so awkward.
Yeah, but once in a while, when the chemistry's just right,
they can be magical.
The "me toos" as you realize all you have in common,
the electricity of that first accidental touch…
Soon you're letting your guard down and saying the silliest things.
-Oh, oh, I'm sorry. -Oh. Sorry.
You touched me. Now we have to get married.
-Oh. What a stupid… -Here.
-Pardon me. -Sorry.
Now, I was thinking for the salad, some cucumbers and carrots.
-How about celery? -Oh, no, no, no celery. I hate the stuff.
-Me too. -Ah.
-Why do you have it, then? -I guess it's just habit.
Maris used to like to have it around in case she felt like bingeing.
When I was little, I actually thought celery was the meanest vegetable.
Radishes were the smartest. Beets were the policemen.
What sort of personality do carrots have?
I try not to think about that when I'm chopping them.
-You hear that? We're chopping in rhythm. -Yes, we are, aren't we?
♪ Dum-da, dum-da, dum-da, dum, da ♪
-♪ Heart and soul ♪ -♪ Dum-da, dum-da ♪
-♪ I fell in love with you ♪ -♪ Dum-da, dum-da ♪
-♪ Heart and soul ♪ -♪ Dum-da, dum-da ♪
-♪ The way a fool would do ♪ -♪ Dum-da, dum-da ♪
BOTH: [HARMONIZING] ♪ Madly because you held me tight ♪
♪ And stole a kiss in the night ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba, bum ♪
-It's so silly. -[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, damn, who could that be?
-It's Phyllis! -Oh.
-Well, go on. Go and let her in. -Uh…
[TO TUNE OF "HEART AND SOUL"] ♪ Go away ♪
♪ Who's ever at the door ♪
♪ Go away ♪
♪ And don't come back no more ♪
Frasier. You were supposed to be at a wake.
We left. Even the mourners were babbling about the miniseries.
I'm sure you're in a rush to get home and watch the show.
No, actually, everybody's heading over to the Kiwanis Club
for a post-wake kegger.
Could you please take Dad?
-Me? Well, they're your god-family. -Please.
Oh, Dr. Crane. I thought you were Phyllis.
Phyllis?
Yeah. She's due any moment, so you'd better run along.
I'll be leaving myself as soon as the roast is done.
Daphne is cooking dinner
for your date with a fictitious woman.
Why not just set a place for the March Hare and the Mad Hatter?
I didn't plan for this, but we are having the most perfect evening.
I'm feeling my confidence return. I just need a few more minutes alone,
-and I'll be able to tell her everything. -[DOORBELL RINGS]
The longer you continue with this lie,
the more likely it is to blow up in your face.
Why are you always such a doomsayer?
As long as I keep track of what I'm saying,
nothing is going to blow up on anyone.
Phyllis!
Kaboom.
Hello, Dr. Crane. Some of your mail wound up in my box.
Oh, well, aren't you considerate. Um…
-Hello. -Hello. I'm Frasier, Niles' brother.
Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
-As a matter of fact… -DAPHNE: [WARMLY] Hello.
-You must be Phyllis. -PHYLLIS: Yes.
-Do I know you? -I'm Daphne. I'm just a friend.
Make yourself comfortable. We were starting to worry about you.
-Excuse me? -Can I get you a glass of wine?
Well, all right, I guess. I really just came by to drop off…
I'll be back in a snap.
That woman seemed to think that you were expecting me.
Yes. I've been making an effort to get to know my neighbors,
and I guess you didn't get the invitation.
No. It's just dumb luck that I happened to stop by tonight.
Here we are. Now, the appetizers are almost ready,
and it won't be too much longer until the roast is done.
I hope you're hungry.
Oh, the invitation was for dinner?
Yes, but don't you worry about it a bit. We'll do it another time.
-Well, I'd love to stay. -[DOORBELL RINGS]
NILES: What…
-Hey. Frasier, you coming or not? -Well, in a minute, Dad.
-Daph, what are you doing here? -Helping Dr. Crane with his dinner.
Oh, hi. How you doing? Marty Crane.
-Hi, I'm Phyllis Conrad. -Oh-ho-ho, you're Phyllis, huh?
DAPHNE: Don't worry. We'll be going soon.
I know Dr. Crane's eager to have you all to himself.
-Really? -Oh, yeah.
-He's been going on about you all week. -Now, Dad…
How pretty you are, how nice you dress…
Dad, you don't wanna be late for your kegger.
Look at him. I've embarrassed him. He's blushing.
He's not the only one.
Well, excuse me, Phyllis. Frasier, could I…
-Oh. -Just… Ge…
-You've gotta help me get rid of her. -Me?
-Yes. -I've got my hands full with Dad.
So you really never had any idea he had his eye on you?
Well, I caught him staring at me in the elevator this morning.
-Oh, ho-ho. -Now I know why.
Hey, Dr. Crane, would you give me a hand with the appetizers?
Frasier?
Dad, you know, I guess it's time we, uh, were going.
Maybe you could just go press for the elevator,
and I'll be right there in a minute.
All right. Very nice meeting you, Phyllis.
-Yes, bye. -Bye-bye.
Well, I must say,
your brother certainly kept his feelings to himself until tonight.
Yes, well, he's always been the quiet type.
Especially… since all the trouble with Heather.
Heather?
Remember, the pie should be heated,
and there's fresh whipped cream to put on the strawberries.
Or anything else, should the night take that turn.
-His wife was poisoned? -FRASIER: Don't worry. He stood trial.
-They never proved a thing. -Crab puffs?
No, thank you.
I just remembered, there is someplace that I have to be.
Uh, thank you very much for the wine.
Oh, my God, I drank the wine.
-Thank you. What did you tell her? -I'll explain later.
Tell you what, though.
Don't plan on running for the co-op board here any time soon.
-Where'd Phyllis go? -She left.
She said she wasn't feeling well.
Oh. Hope you don't mind my saying so. You almost seem relieved that she's gone.
Relieved? Well, Daphne, to tell you the truth,
I am relieved.
-I knew it. This is all my fault. -Hmm?
It's as clear as day now.
You're just not ready for a relationship, and there I was pushing you into it.
Daphne…
Even I could see how uncomfortable you were with Phyllis.
She must have picked up on that too, and that's the real reason she left.
-What was I thinking? -No, Daphne, this is not your fault.
Yes, but I should've seen.
You're on the rebound. You're still vulnerable.
That's probably why you had so much trouble
asking for a simple date in the first place.
Yes, I… I suppose you're right.
I'm so sorry, Dr. Crane.
I guess you just need to take some more time.
You know, if you rush things, you may end up ruining something
that has a real chance.
No smart woman would ever get involved with a man
who's in the middle of a divorce anyway. I know I never would.
Well…
Thank you, Daphne. This has all been very helpful.
And thank you for everything you did tonight,
even if it didn't work out exactly as I'd hoped.
Well, what are friends for?
I suppose we should start clearing all this up.
Actually…
Daphne…
Would you like to stay and have dinner with me?
-You mean that? -Yes.
Well, yes, that would be lovely.
Wonderful.
-May I pour you some wine? -Ooh, yes.
-Oh. -[CHUCKLES]
You know, I know it seems hopeless right now.
But I have a feeling that before very long,
you'll be sitting down to a nice romantic dinner
with the woman of your dreams.
I think you may just be right.
Shall we?
Oh, thank you.
-Here's to us. -Ah.
[ARIA PLAYING]
That's very nice.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night, everybody!