[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
What's going on? I've got an appointment in 20 minutes.
Some weenie made a big stink, so they gotta clean the milk steamer
-every time they use it. -Oh.
It was you, wasn't it?
If requesting basic sanitary procedures makes me a weenie,
then a weenie be I.
Hi, guys.
-Hey, Roz. -Oh, Roz.
Oh, God, Frasier, what stupid suggestion did you make this time?
-Nice to see you too, Roz. -ROZ: Sorry.
I just spent two hours trying on jumbo formal wear
for the SeaBee Awards.
The best part was when the size-two salesgirl
said I could use this again after my pregnancy.
Well, perhaps you could.
Cut off the bow, remove the sleeves, and, uh…
Stick a pole in it and go camping.
You know, if I'm gonna stick a pole someplace…
Children!
Coffee to go. Black.
I, for one, am looking forward to the SeaBees.
Why? You're not gonna win.
They never give it to the emcee. Now, me, I'm a lock.
Well, you're awfully cocky.
Hey, if knowing I'm the best thing on the air makes me cocky,
then cocky be I.
See? You're not the only one who can talk classy.
How is that talking like Lassie?
Let's just move on, shall we?
Roz, that man, he's got a gun.
-[GASPS] -He's got a gun!
[CROWD SCREAMING]
-Roz, are you all right? -Yeah.
Bulldog, I can't believe you did that.
-Huh? -You saved me.
Well, I just did what anyone would've done.
-Oh! You were so brave. -You're a hero.
BULLDOG: Hey, close enough.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
NILES: Excuse me, will you hold that, please?
-Niles! -I was just on my way up to see you.
What have we determined about your success
with impulse purchases?
The salesman thought I could pull it off.
My suggestion exactly.
Oh, fine, fine. Frasier, ask me if I have news.
Actually, I've got news. In the café today…
Oh, for God's sake. Niles, do you have news?
Indeed I do.
First, congratulations on your SeaBee nomination.
-Thank you. -Now congratulate me on mine.
What are you talking about?
If you'd bothered to look past your own name on the first page,
you would've found mine right after it on page…
-Fifteen. -Ah.
"Best Performance by a Guest on an Information Show."
Yes, it's for that spot I did on KJSB
when I discussed the psychological effects of long-term inclement weather.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Thirty minutes of psychobabble all reducible to one phrase:
-"Rain, rain, go away." -[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
I'm hardly surprised you feel the need to belittle my nomination.
In your mind, you're the success, the famous one.
I'm just invisible.
That's not the way the rest of the world sees it.
MARTIN: Oh, Frasier, boy, am I glad to see you.
Oh, thanks, guys.
-Thank you. -DAPHNE: Thank goodness you're home.
I'm also here.
We heard what happened at the café.
Yes, Niles, as I was trying to tell you,
there was an attempted armed robbery today at the café.
Good heavens. Was anyone hurt?
No, thank goodness. It was all defused quickly.
Tempest in a teapot.
-Thank you. -NILES: That's a relief.
On a more pleasant topic, this afternoon I found out…
FRASIER: Niles, hold it.
-How did you two hear about it? -DAPHNE: On the news.
Boy, Bulldog really saved the day.
They said that on the news?
Oh, yeah, how he swept Roz out of the way
and then threw his hot coffee on the gunman.
That's not how it happened at all.
Why would he say such a thing?
Well, it was drizzling today, and people act strangely when it rains,
-as I pointed out in my SeaBee-nominated… -Shut up, Niles.
Well, then, what did happen?
We were all standing at the counter
when I noticed a man with a gun.
I warned Roz.
Bulldog saw a different man reaching for his wallet
and thought he was the gunman.
He grabbed Roz and held her in front of him as a human shield.
But as he did that,
he accidentally knocked his coffee onto the actual gunman,
burning his hand,
causing him to drop his weapon and run out.
-And no one else saw that happen? -Apparently not.
Well, I can't believe Bulldog would use Roz like that.
Why didn't you say anything?
I was just so relieved everyone was all right at first.
I suppose it did irk me when everyone was praising him.
The owner of the café promised him a lifetime supply of muffins.
I never thought it would go this far.
I never thought I'd hear it on the news.
I wonder how much that would be, a lifetime supply of muffins.
I'm not gonna let Bulldog get away with this.
I don't think I've ever seen Bulldog eat a muffin.
A lifetime supply would be wasted on him.
I'm gonna tell him I saw exactly what happened.
Now, me, I could eat a muffin a day,
some days even two, knowing they'd be free.
So that's maybe ten a week, 52 weeks a year
for at least another 40 years, which works out to…
…20,000 muffins.
My life suddenly seems long measured in muffins.
Oh, Daphne.
There are a lot of things that can make life suddenly seem long.
Yes.
That's all the time we have today.
Good afternoon, Seattle, and good mental health.
-Did you see Bulldog come in? -No.
I've been looking for him myself. Stop that.
They're for him.
Do you really think that he had anything to do with…
ROZ: There he is!
BULLDOG: Hey, hey, hey! [BLOWS WHISTLE] Enough hero worship.
I take my pants off one leg at a time, like everybody else.
You can vouch for that, can't you, Myrna?
Hey, Bulldog, I made these cookies for you.
Oh, wow, I already had a bunch of muffins, but there's always room for a cookie.
-Mm. Where's the milk? -Oh, coming right up.
-Hello, Bulldog. -Hey, Doc.
This hero stuff is the best.
Hey, last night… sisters.
At one point, I was a hero sandwich.
Hey, did you get it? They were the bread, and I was…
Yes, I got it.
Just drop it. I saw what you did yesterday.
Yeah, I saved your butt.
Saved my butt, my ass!
You pulled Roz in front of you to protect yourself.
Everything else that happened was simply by accident.
That stinks!
That's total BS!
I'm a hero!
I'm a brave, brave man!
Ah, jeez, you're not gonna tell, are you?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.
You like muffins?
I was determined to expose you, but it occurs to me I don't have to.
You'll do it yourself. And you know why?
Because "a guilty conscience needs no accuser."
That means you won't tell?
Once again,
I don't have to,
because "a guilty conscience sleeps in thunder."
It means I won't tell.
-Twenty seconds, Bulldog. -Oh.
Actually, I'm fascinated, as a psychiatrist,
to watch this little experiment.
I know that deep down you feel bad about what you've done,
and you'll feel worse every time you capitalize on it.
How long before your conscience finally overwhelms you?
You're on.
Hey, sports fans, this is Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe.
You're in the Doghouse.
-[HORN HONKS] -[BARKS]
Let's go to the phones.
Hey, everybody, this is Roz Doyle, and I have some very exciting news.
Each year at the SeaBee Awards,
one radio personality receives
the Harold Hirschauer Man of the Year Award,
and this year our winner is our very own Bulldog Briscoe,
who was chosen for his heroism.
Congratulations, Bulldog.
Well, what do you say to that, hero?
Wow. This is incredible.
I real…
I really feel honored, but, uh…
I gotta clear something up.
Yesterday at the café,
this young lady kept coming up to me and saying, "You're my hero.
How can I ever thank you?"
Well, I got a confession to make.
I lost your number, but if you call in, baby, I got an answer for you.
-[HORN HONKS] -[BARKS]
Okay, I'm ready. Go ahead, Daphne.
And the SeaBee goes to…
Dr. Niles Crane!
Oh! Oh!
-Congratulations! -Thank you.
You know, actually, to be accurate, it's traditional for the presenter
to kiss and embrace the winner.
But won't your brother be the presenter?
-Well, we can't know that for certain. -Oh. All right, then.
[DOOR OPENS]
Hello, Dr. Crane. We're just practicing for Saturday night.
-Best-case scenario. -Obviously.
[TIMER DINGS]
Hey, Daph, your pie's done.
Oh, thanks.
Will you be joining us for coffee and dessert?
Oh, no, thank you, Daphne. I'm not very hungry.
-Where have you been? -Oh, out driving around, thinking.
I can't seem to get this Bulldog thing off my mind.
Well, don't worry about it. We all get obsessed sometimes.
The important thing is to drop it before you start yakking on and on about it
to someone who doesn't give a rat's ass.
Is that your roundabout way of saying you don't want to discuss it?
You wanna take the direct route?
Why do you care so much about Bulldog?
Well, it's not really Bulldog so much.
It's just that I believe
that conscience, more than customs and laws,
is what prevents people from doing wrong.
To contemplate the idea of an otherwise sane man with no conscience,
well, it shakes my entire worldview.
In my family we certainly knew the meaning of conscience.
That's what my dad called his wooden paddle.
Oh, how awful for you.
Oh, for me brothers, yes, but I knew he'd never use it on me.
As long as I was always good.
As long as I was always polite.
As long as I always had a smile on me face, no matter how I felt inside.
As long as I was always ready to wait on all the men,
hand and foot, day and night, year in, year out.
More coffee, anyone?
No, no, no, just have a seat.
Just… Here, I'll pour for you.
Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion.
I just can't understand how Bulldog can accept those accolades
and not be tormented by it.
Well, maybe he is.
Yes, for all you know, he's at home right now
pacing the floor, unable to sleep.
Well, that's a comforting thought.
But we'll never know for sure, now, will we?
Well, enough about this. You know, I think I'm off to bed.
-Good night, all. -Good night, son.
I'm really proud of Fras.
It used to be he'd get a bee in his bonnet and never get it out.
I thought we'd be hearing about this one for weeks.
The old Frasier would've been up with this all night.
MARTIN: Exactly. He wouldn't have been able to sleep
till he went over to Bulldog's to make sure he wasn't sleeping.
[DOOR CLOSES]
I should've told him to pick up more milk.
BULLDOG: Okay, okay.
-What are you doing here? -I wanna talk to you.
You know, this isn't a good time.
I got company.
You have done something horrible and selfish.
I need to know that you feel bad about it.
What, you been looking through the keyhole?
-I'm talking about what happened with Roz. -Oh, not this again.
WOMAN: Bulldog, I'm lonely.
Talk to your sister for a sec. I'll be right there.
-Man, I gotta go. See you mañana. -Bulldog… Bulldog!
[DOORBELL BUZZING]
Would you stop that?
I am not leaving until I know you feel some remorse for what you've done.
-This is really bugging you, isn't it? -Yes!
Well… [SIGHS] Okay, all right, all right.
The truth? The truth is I feel bad.
I feel real bad.
You feel nothing!
I'm sorry, Doc.
These little things just don't get to me.
The little thing in question is using a pregnant woman as a human shield!
-Have you no conscience? -Maybe I don't.
I refuse to believe that.
Well, maybe it's something I was born without.
Like… Oh, like my cousin.
He was born without a big toe on each foot.
I used to sneak up on him, tip him over.
I didn't feel bad about that either.
-See you, Doc. -No, no, no, you don't.
I know you've got a conscience. It must be buried deep down inside.
-I will find a way to get it out of you. -Yeah, you do that, Doc.
No, you mark my words, I don't know how yet,
but come Saturday night you will be so consumed with guilt,
you will not be able to accept that Man of the Year Award.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
FRASIER: Daphne!
-Oh, you're gorgeous. -Oh, thank you.
-FRASIER: Dad, not bad either. -Oh, thanks.
Though I guess any guy looks good in a monkey suit.
On the drive over I started musing about why they call it a monkey suit.
I had quite a few theories on that one.
Yeah, she sure did.
-Can I get a ride home with you? -Of course.
DAPHNE: Oh. Roz.
-Is everything all right? -Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just that my hair is huge, and this dress is a joke.
No, nonsense, Roz. You look divine.
No, I look like Divine.
I gotta go sit down.
Oh my God, look at the way the lights are shining on the sequins on this dress.
I'm a disco ball.
Well, it certainly promises to be quite a night.
Yeah. You know, I'm glad to see you're enjoying yourself.
I wasn't sure that you would, what with Bulldog getting that award.
Well, Dad, I wouldn't be surprised if Bulldog actually declines that award.
Why would he?
Well, I've arranged a few surprises to prick his conscience.
Until, like Hamlet's stepfather,
he totters from the banquet, ghostly pale and gibbering with guilt.
Could I get a ride home with you?
-FRASIER: Niles. -Hello, all.
Daphne, you look stunning.
Thanks. You look very smart.
Thank you. Of course, I guess it's hard not to look elegant in evening wear.
Hard but not impossible.
Well, shall we take our seats?
Yes, although if Dame Rumor is correct, I won't be sitting long.
-Now, are we all at table 105? -FRASIER: Uh…
We're at table four.
Uh, excuse me.
-Where is this table? -One hundred five.
That's the Technical Awards.
Just go down to the basement, cross through the kitchen to the hall
and ask for the Napoleon Room.
Oh, well, Napoleon Room.
That sounds charming.
We call it that 'cause the ceilings are so low.
What a shame.
Now you won't get to see your brother host or hear all the little jokes he's written.
[DAPHNE, NILES SNICKERING]
Thank you, Daphne. I needed some cheering up.
DAPHNE: Good luck.
-Oh, Bulldog. -Ah, jeez, let's go this way.
No, there's no need to avoid me.
I have no intention of ruining your evening.
In fact, I've gone to great lengths to make it memorable.
You been sleeping okay? You look a little tired.
Oh, don't you worry about me. I'll sleep fine tonight.
The sleep of the just.
[CHUCKLES] Me too. The sleep of the just boinked.
And the nominees are
Consumer Forum, Wendy Yashiro, talent, Mike Freedman, producer.
The Dr. Frasier Crane Show,
Dr. Frasier Crane, talent, Roz Doyle, producer.
And Bob and Nipsey's Morning Laugh Factory,
Bob and Nipsey, talent, Lunatic Larry, producer.
And the SeaBee goes to…
Well, well.
Bob and Nipsey's Morning Laugh Factory!
[GLITZY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
FRASIER: Apparently Bob and Nipsey couldn't make it tonight,
so I accept this award on their behalf.
That brings us to our final category.
But rather than compete with the coffee service,
let's take a short break
and we'll be right back with the Man of the Year Award.
-Sorry you didn't win. -Oh, God, that's all right, Dad.
I'm only concerned with one award tonight.
That's the next one.
-Hey, Dr. Crane, how did it go? -FRASIER: Oh, Niles.
I lost.
Sorry you didn't win.
God, I've been saying that a lot tonight.
Oh, look, wine.
They didn't serve alcohol at the Technical Awards,
as I informed so many of the guests who mistook me for their waiter.
You see, I was the only nominee dressed in black-tie,
except for the one man in front wearing a tuxedo T-shirt.
I'm sorry, Niles.
At least I didn't come home empty-handed.
We each received one of these handsome certificates,
which were given out after we'd folded our tables and stacked our chairs.
[GLITZY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen.
Now the time has come to present…
The Harold Hirschauer Man of the Year Award.
Thank you, Susan.
As you all know, this award is presented every year
to the radio personality that brings honor to our medium.
This year that person is Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe.
Come on up here, Bulldog.
[GLITZY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Wow, what a night, huh?
Well, Bob, the night is just beginning for you.
Could we please lower the house lights?
What's going on?
Just a few surprise guests
that I've invited to help you celebrate this evening.
People from your past that helped make you the man that you are today.
Do you recognize this voice?
ELDERLY MAN: Bobby Briscoe, you have made us all proud.
-Oh, my gosh. Is that… -Yes!
It's Father O'Rourke, your boyhood priest and childhood confessor.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
And who's there next to him?
ELDERLY WOMAN: Bobby Briscoe, sit down in your chair.
That's right.
It's Mrs. McCloud, your second-grade teacher,
the woman who taught you that honesty is the best policy.
And who's that next to her?
-Drop and give me 50, Bulldog. -Oh, my gosh! Coach Nuge!
It's Coach Nugent from your peewee-football days.
The man that taught you that it doesn't matter whether you win or lose,
but that you play the game fair.
You're wasting your time.
And who's that next to him? Yes.
It's the president of your fan club,
little Joey Katona,
whose only dream is to grow up and be just like you.
[HORN HONKING]
FRASIER: But we're not through yet.
Could we please bring the house lights up again?
We've saved the best for last.
It's the woman that gave everything to you.
Well, you'll have to narrow that one down.
[SNICKERS]
The night would not be complete
without the woman who taught you right from wrong.
It's your mother, Bernice Briscoe!
Ma!
-I am so proud of you, Bobby. -Oh, Ma!
Let's turn the microphone over to our guest of honor this evening.
I'm sure we're all anxious to hear what the hero has to say.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
I'm really blown away by all this.
I didn't think I'd be accepting this in front of all you guys.
I wrote up this, uh, little speech.
I can't say this stuff now.
What I gotta say is simple.
This is totally awesome! Thank you, everybody!
-[GLITZY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] -[BULLDOG BARKING]
This can't be happening.
-Let it go. -FRASIER: I can't.
The man is a coward, and he's being rewarded.
I'm never gonna hear the end of this now, am I?
-No! I'm sorry, Dad… -All right, just a minute.
Hey, Bulldog, there's a guy there with a gun.
There's a gun!
[CROWD GASPING]
Sorry, my mistake.
He used his own mother to protect himself.
-Ew. -Is that what you did to me?
No, I just… I… No, no.
-What is the matter with you? -[CROWD BOOING]
You don't deserve that award!
Oh, thanks, Dad.
Hey, I'm no hero. I just wanted you to shut up.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night, everybody!