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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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-Good morning.
-Frasier, your brother called.
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He said he'll be over around 7:00.
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Oh, thanks.
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-You seem awfully calm today.
-Yeah, well, why shouldn't I be?
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During ratings week you're
usually rather anxious.
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-Oh, my God, that starts today?
-Oh, I never should have mentioned it.
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-Ten seconds.
-Roz, you do this every year.
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You convince yourself we'll have a
disastrous week with no good callers,
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but our listeners always
come through, don't they?
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-You're on.
-All right.
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Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
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You know, I was reminded this morning
of a jaunty aphorism that's credited
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to the great thinker Spinoza…
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-Oh, God.
-[PHONE RINGS]
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-Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem?
-WOMAN: Hi.
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Well, I'm kind of in decisive.
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Well, I'm not.
Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem?
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MAN 1: Yeah, I'm thinking of
changing careers. I feel kind of trapped.
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It's not a real exciting problem,
but I'll see if I can get you on. Hold.
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-Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem?
-MAN 2: It's sort of embarrassing.
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Amen.
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I was a bed wetter as a child,
and I think the problem's coming back.
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Great. Hold, please.
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Hey, career change?
I got a bed-wetter holding.
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When you say trapped, is it possible
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it's because you're a woman
trapped inside a man's body?
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-MAN 1: I don't think so.
-I don't think I can get you on today.
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Gee, I really wanted to talk to him.
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I guess that could be part of it.
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Good answer. Hold, please.
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Hey, bed-wetter, I got
a transsexual in crisis.
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Have you wet a bed
with anybody else in it?
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A hooker, a stripper, maybe
your best friend's wife?
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-MAN 2: No.
-Do you want to talk to the doc or not?
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Okay. I guess the third one.
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Hold, please. Hey, transsexual.
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-MAN 1: Is that me?
-Yeah!
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Have you ever run for political office or
considered running for political office?
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Like congressman or something?
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Perfect.
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Don't get me started
on rationalistic pantheism
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or there'll go the whole three hours.
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Anyway, I think it's time
that we went to the phones.
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Roz, whom do we have?
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On line one we have
a bed-wetting adulterer,
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unless you'd rather
speak to Roger on line two
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who's a transsexual running for Congress.
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Go ahead, Roger, I'm listening.
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[DOOR UNLOCKING]
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Would you just explain to me
why you chickened out like that?
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Well, she's younger than I am.
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She probably dates doctors and lawyers.
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She wouldn't be interested in me.
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-Who wouldn't be interested?
-Oh, jeez.
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A certain someone had the
chance to ask a certain someone else
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-from the building on a date.
-Ah.
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-That would be Mrs. Crowley.
-Oh, jeez.
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And bailed out again.
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Now, Daphne, don't be too hard on him.
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The Crane men have not enjoyed a great
deal of success in the romance department.
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We're all a bit gun-shy.
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Oh, yes, gun-shy, sensitive, picky.
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-You're all full of excuses.
-[PHONE RINGS]
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Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get any
of you married off and out of this house.
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Hello? Why, Mrs. Crowley,
we were just talking about you.
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Yes, he's here. Hold on.
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Hi. Really?
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No, I'm not busy. Dinner sounds like fun.
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A certain someone is inviting a
certain someone else to dinner.
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Yes, and where would the world be
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without you Brits and your
knack for code-cracking?
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Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, I'd love to. Thanks.
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And thanks for asking me. Yeah, bye.
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She's invited me to her
place tomorrow night.
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Guess my little "hard-to-get"
plan really paid off.
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Yes, you should really write a book,
How to Get a Date in Two Easy Years.
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[FRASIER LAUGHING]
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Oh, hello, Niles.
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-Frasier.
-MARTIN: Hey, Niles.
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-Dad. Hey, Daphne.
-What you got there?
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Oh, just some patient files.
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Frasier's helping me with
my couples' group tomorrow.
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Your father's starting his
own group tomorrow night.
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Oh, Mrs. Crowley?
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Oh, jeez…
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Oh, it's ironic, isn't it?
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Dad's doing better in that department.
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Not true.
That's really what I wanted to tell you.
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Maris and I are back on
the expressway to love.
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Well, if not the expressway,
at least the on-ramp.
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And I owe it all to the best
psychiatrist I have ever known.
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That's very flattering.
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Dr. Bernard Schenkman,
our new marriage counselor,
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and he's nothing short of a wizard.
And Maris is as thrilled with him as I am.
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It's as if he's discovered
the magic elixir
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to repair the shattered
fragments of her psyche.
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-I don't know exactly what to call it.
-The words "crazy glue" leap to mind.
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Dr. Schenkman's helped me enormously too.
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He immediately pinpointed
my primary failing.
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-Which is?
-Well, I'm… I'm too predictable.
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I don't know if I'd
count that as a failing.
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Well, I do, and more
important, so does Maris.
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But I'm going to do something about it.
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In half an hour I'm going to show Maris
spontaneity beyond her wildest dreams.
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I thought we were going to
prepare for your workshop.
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You have to look over the files yourself.
Every Friday evening,
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Maris spends an hour meditating
in her spirituality gardens.
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Invariably she comes
inside randy as a stoat.
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Well, tonight she's going to find
me waiting in her bed as randy as a…
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Another stoat.
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Gee, Niles, I wonder
if that's a good idea.
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Frasier, I know you mean well,
and I love you and respect you,
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so don't take offense
when I point out that
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with your track record in relationships,
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you're the last person
who should give advice.
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-Fair enough.
-Oh, and do look over the files.
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Those couples really need our help.
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Hello, Maris!
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[GIGGLING]
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[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO]
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BOTH: Maris?
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[BOTH SHOUTING]
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[BOTH SHOUTING]
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-Dr. Schenkman.
-Niles!
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-What the hell's going on?
-Well, it's not what it looks like.
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What am I saying?
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Bear with me. I'm sorry.
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-I'm feeling a little stressed.
-[MUSIC STOPS]
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You're feeling stressed?
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Put yourself in my place.
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I very nearly did.
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I'm stunned.
How long has this been going on?
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Two weeks.
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Maris and I were waiting to tell
you when I felt that you were ready.
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That's despicable.
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It's unethical.
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It's… Are those my pajamas?
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Could be.
They bind a little in the crotch.
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Listen, whatever anger you're
feeling can't begin to approach my guilt.
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-Oh, don't bet on it.
-Good, that's good.
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Vent that rage.
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You have every right to.
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You're sleeping with my wife and
you're giving me permission to angry?
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-Furious. Livid.
-Uh-huh. Ah.
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Yes, you're dealing with it
very well, by the way. Oh.
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-I don't suppose you'd care?
-No!
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Do you realize you could lose your license
for having an affair with a patient?
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Yes, and I deserve to, but it was
a risk worth taking because of love.
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Oh.
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Oh.
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I love her, Niles.
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I've never known a woman so
warm, so nurturing, so unselfish.
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Is it possible this is all a
case of mistaken identity?
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Thanks to our sessions,
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Maris has been unafraid to
show me the real woman inside.
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Damn you. I trusted you.
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Because you were
supposed to be helping us.
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And I liked you, too, you bastard.
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You betrayed my confidence and my
friendship, and you seduced my wife.
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Wow, there's a lot of new
issues here, aren't there?
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Think maybe we should kick
it up to three sessions a week?
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No, no, hey, Niles!
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You are 20 minutes late.
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-Sorry.
-Sorry?
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This is your group.
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I've been making small talk
with these people for 20 minutes.
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You know what that's like for people
who have a problem communicating?
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It's tiny talk.
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I just have a lot on my mind right
now which I don't care to discuss,
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so let's just begin and, you know what,
maybe you should take the lead. Okay?
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Very well.
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Evening, all.
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Sorry I'm late. My fault.
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If I know these people,
they won't hold a grudge.
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I feel as though I do know a
great deal about this group.
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I've spent a good deal of time
pouring over your case histories.
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So let's begin.
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Mrs. Buddinger,
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-I see that you're here alone.
-Yes.
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There some reason why Dan couldn't join?
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No, he's just stubborn sometimes.
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He says he doesn't trust psychiatrists.
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[CHUCKLING]
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Well…
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Maybe he's got good reason not to.
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Excuse me?
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00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:02,662
Oh, I think I see what
your brother's doing here.
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00:12:02,746 --> 00:12:04,247
Sometimes we role play
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and I think he's just saying
what my husband might say.
191
00:12:07,418 --> 00:12:09,794
Sounds promising. Why don't we proceed?
192
00:12:09,878 --> 00:12:13,550
Janice, how would you respond
to what your husband has just said?
193
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:15,802
Well, okay.
194
00:12:17,512 --> 00:12:21,349
You know, Dan, I don't think that
it's psychiatrists that you mistrust.
195
00:12:21,433 --> 00:12:22,308
I think it's me.
196
00:12:23,685 --> 00:12:26,104
Why are you so suspicious lately?
197
00:12:26,188 --> 00:12:28,691
Oh, I think you know very well.
198
00:12:35,072 --> 00:12:38,492
A couple of harmless flirtations
at parties? Everyone does that.
199
00:12:38,576 --> 00:12:42,539
Did you ever stop to consider how
those flirtations might make me feel?
200
00:12:43,123 --> 00:12:46,084
He's empathizing with the husband.
We call this empathizing.
201
00:12:46,835 --> 00:12:48,378
Well, what about you?
202
00:12:48,462 --> 00:12:51,262
Are you gonna tell me you've
never even looked at anyone?
203
00:12:51,590 --> 00:12:53,675
Don't you dare bring her into this.
204
00:12:55,887 --> 00:12:58,347
She is clean and pure and decent.
205
00:12:58,431 --> 00:13:01,684
Sometimes empathizing
involves a bit of dramatic license.
206
00:13:02,393 --> 00:13:04,395
At least I've always been faithful to you.
207
00:13:04,479 --> 00:13:06,814
I've always been faithful to you.
208
00:13:06,898 --> 00:13:11,403
I wanted to believe that more than
anything in the world, but now, now…
209
00:13:13,489 --> 00:13:15,741
I don't see how I possibly can.
210
00:13:16,742 --> 00:13:20,245
Did I mention my brother's one of the
greatest empathizers in the business?
211
00:13:20,329 --> 00:13:23,917
Now I just want to die!
212
00:13:27,086 --> 00:13:30,297
Perhaps now would be a good
time to take our 15-minute break.
213
00:13:30,381 --> 00:13:34,510
Why don't we?
We've made quite a catharsis here.
214
00:13:34,594 --> 00:13:37,556
Traditionally it is the patients
who make the breakthroughs,
215
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:41,059
but we mustn't be sticklers.
All right, thank you very much.
216
00:13:41,143 --> 00:13:41,977
All right, Janice.
217
00:13:42,061 --> 00:13:44,938
You know, Dan and I have
never cheated on each other.
218
00:13:45,022 --> 00:13:46,940
-You've got to believe me.
-I do, I do.
219
00:13:47,024 --> 00:13:51,071
Janice, and please remember, no one
is here to judge anyone else's behavior.
220
00:13:51,613 --> 00:13:53,663
What the hell are you doing, you lunatic?
221
00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:56,826
Maris is having an affair with Schenkman.
222
00:13:59,037 --> 00:13:59,871
Schenkman?
223
00:14:01,915 --> 00:14:03,583
Why, the contemptible bastard.
224
00:14:04,084 --> 00:14:06,712
He was waiting at the
house for her when I got there.
225
00:14:07,296 --> 00:14:08,673
I'm so sorry, Niles.
226
00:14:10,466 --> 00:14:12,816
-Is there anything I can do?
-I don't see how.
227
00:14:13,261 --> 00:14:15,220
They're in love. They plan to get married.
228
00:14:15,304 --> 00:14:16,931
-He told you that?
-Mm-hm.
229
00:14:17,515 --> 00:14:19,726
And she confirmed it, when she walked in.
230
00:14:20,852 --> 00:14:24,398
Once she'd stopped shrieking and
we'd coaxed her down off the canopy.
231
00:14:26,441 --> 00:14:27,943
I'm just shocked.
232
00:14:30,195 --> 00:14:32,489
Things seemed to be going
so well with the two of you.
233
00:14:32,573 --> 00:14:33,741
That's what I thought.
234
00:14:36,744 --> 00:14:37,579
You know…
235
00:14:39,831 --> 00:14:42,709
Maybe Maris' feelings for
Dr. Schenkman aren't real.
236
00:14:43,876 --> 00:14:46,212
Maybe this is simply
a case of transference.
237
00:14:46,713 --> 00:14:50,217
Well, patients often do believe
that they've fallen in love.
238
00:14:50,301 --> 00:14:51,676
It's very common. It's happened.
239
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,360
-I know. It's happened to me.
-Oh, get out of town.
240
00:14:55,389 --> 00:14:56,598
Several times.
241
00:14:56,682 --> 00:14:58,808
I bet that's exactly what's going on here.
242
00:14:58,892 --> 00:15:01,979
-Never had a patient fall in love with me.
-Schenkman's an authority figure.
243
00:15:02,063 --> 00:15:03,397
Maris is easily influenced.
244
00:15:03,481 --> 00:15:05,631
Not even that fat lady
who brought me fudge.
245
00:15:06,443 --> 00:15:08,819
I'd be a fool to let her
go if it's as simple as that.
246
00:15:08,903 --> 00:15:10,530
You're not thinking clearly.
247
00:15:10,614 --> 00:15:12,907
-You're just grasping at straws.
-No, no, you're wrong.
248
00:15:12,991 --> 00:15:14,784
I owe it to my marriage
to give this one more shot.
249
00:15:14,868 --> 00:15:18,747
-How? What more could you possibly do?
-I can just talk to her alone.
250
00:15:18,831 --> 00:15:21,124
Try to make her understand
what kind of mistake she's making.
251
00:15:21,208 --> 00:15:24,211
Let's just bear one thing in mind,
sometimes your marriage is just bad,
252
00:15:24,295 --> 00:15:26,964
doomed, and no amount
of discussion will save it.
253
00:15:32,554 --> 00:15:35,057
Well, then, shall we resume?
254
00:15:40,479 --> 00:15:42,730
FRASIER: No, Daphne, that's all right.
You have fun.
255
00:15:42,814 --> 00:15:45,777
I'll, I'll be fine. Yeah.
We'll see you tomorrow. Okay.
256
00:15:46,486 --> 00:15:49,488
Oh, no, Dad? No, he's not
even back from his big date yet.
257
00:15:49,572 --> 00:15:51,783
Maybe I'll see him in the morning too.
258
00:15:52,492 --> 00:15:53,743
All right, right.
259
00:15:55,787 --> 00:15:59,208
Yes, yes, it is a very romantic story.
Yes, yes.
260
00:15:59,958 --> 00:16:00,793
Okay, Daphne.
261
00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:05,005
Yes, yes, they do make a very cute couple.
262
00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:08,300
Anyway, right.
263
00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:13,598
Right, Daphne, yes, yes, I suppose
they do owe it all to you, don't they?
264
00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:16,749
-[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Oh, well, there's the door. Okay.
265
00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:24,859
Niles.
I thought you were talking with Maris.
266
00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:28,906
It's over. Let her marry Schenkman.
They deserve each other.
267
00:16:30,408 --> 00:16:31,701
Oh, I'm sorry, Niles.
268
00:16:32,326 --> 00:16:33,160
What happened?
269
00:16:34,662 --> 00:16:37,039
Well, I reached the front gate,
270
00:16:37,123 --> 00:16:40,375
and I was just about to ring the
doorbell to ask her to let me in
271
00:16:40,459 --> 00:16:44,714
when it suddenly dawned on me
how many hours I have spent pleading
272
00:16:44,798 --> 00:16:47,342
with that woman through
gates, through windows,
273
00:16:47,426 --> 00:16:50,220
through keyholes and through transoms and…
274
00:16:51,388 --> 00:16:53,807
In one disastrous instance,
through the pet door.
275
00:16:55,393 --> 00:16:58,354
Yes, I remember dabbing
Bactine on those Chihuahua bites.
276
00:16:59,981 --> 00:17:02,150
Well, I decided no more.
277
00:17:02,650 --> 00:17:06,320
I actually looked up at the
house and said, "Goodbye, Maris.
278
00:17:08,573 --> 00:17:10,159
"I hope you have a happy life,"
279
00:17:11,243 --> 00:17:13,703
but I don't have to take any
more of your crap ever again."
280
00:17:13,787 --> 00:17:15,787
And I turned on my heel and walked away.
281
00:17:16,999 --> 00:17:18,709
That's a courageous decision.
282
00:17:20,627 --> 00:17:21,503
How do you feel?
283
00:17:22,629 --> 00:17:23,923
Not bad, surprisingly.
284
00:17:25,008 --> 00:17:27,108
I'm glad I went over.
I needed the closure.
285
00:17:28,303 --> 00:17:32,303
Now that it's over, I feel a little sad,
of course, but also strangely liberated.
286
00:17:33,850 --> 00:17:34,893
Well…
287
00:17:36,436 --> 00:17:37,772
I'm very proud of you.
288
00:17:43,611 --> 00:17:47,280
Oh, Dad. [CHUCKLES] You're back.
289
00:17:47,364 --> 00:17:49,449
How did things go with Mrs. Crowley?
290
00:17:49,533 --> 00:17:50,617
Oh, great.
291
00:17:50,701 --> 00:17:51,535
Fabulous.
292
00:17:52,412 --> 00:17:54,998
Right up to the time she
introduced me to my date.
293
00:17:56,583 --> 00:17:58,633
-I thought she was your date.
-So did I.
294
00:17:58,877 --> 00:18:00,527
Turns out my date was her mother.
295
00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:03,924
Eighty-six years young.
296
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:08,345
I guess there was a little
miscommunication when she invited me.
297
00:18:08,429 --> 00:18:10,223
Gee, I'm almost afraid to ask this.
298
00:18:11,682 --> 00:18:12,517
How was Mom?
299
00:18:15,102 --> 00:18:16,937
-Well, she was very nice.
-Mm-hm.
300
00:18:17,021 --> 00:18:17,855
Sleepy.
301
00:18:20,776 --> 00:18:21,901
But she smiled a lot.
302
00:18:21,985 --> 00:18:24,279
Showed me pictures of
her great-grandchildren.
303
00:18:24,363 --> 00:18:25,739
She couldn't remember any names,
304
00:18:25,823 --> 00:18:28,116
but what the hell, she
couldn't remember mine.
305
00:18:29,159 --> 00:18:32,078
I think we could all use a
little something from the bar.
306
00:18:32,162 --> 00:18:34,206
Well, I could use a big something.
307
00:18:35,041 --> 00:18:36,876
It hasn't been a good day all around.
308
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,797
Yeah, Dad, Maris and
I have split up for good.
309
00:18:41,548 --> 00:18:43,549
Oh, I'm sorry.
310
00:18:43,633 --> 00:18:45,634
Yeah, she's in love with someone else.
311
00:18:45,718 --> 00:18:47,511
Niles, are you all right?
312
00:18:47,595 --> 00:18:48,429
I will be.
313
00:18:49,181 --> 00:18:53,435
Well, this may come as
small consolation to you,
314
00:18:53,519 --> 00:18:56,105
but I believe…
315
00:18:57,439 --> 00:18:59,691
That you each have a lot
of work to do to catch up
316
00:18:59,775 --> 00:19:01,735
to me in the failed romance department.
317
00:19:03,154 --> 00:19:07,200
Divorced twice, left at the altar once.
318
00:19:16,209 --> 00:19:20,464
Well, I haven't exactly
been burning things up lately.
319
00:19:20,548 --> 00:19:21,424
Thank you, Dad.
320
00:19:22,258 --> 00:19:26,387
Things with Sherry fizzled,
then Sleeping Beauty tonight.
321
00:19:28,681 --> 00:19:32,102
-I think maybe I deserve the booby prize.
-Oh, I don't know.
322
00:19:35,314 --> 00:19:36,356
I'll challenge you.
323
00:19:38,775 --> 00:19:41,904
Fifteen years with Maris, I
end up in bed with her lover.
324
00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:50,788
Jeez, I didn't need to hear that.
325
00:19:50,872 --> 00:19:53,541
No, no, no, it was an accident.
326
00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:55,376
It was pitch dark. I thought he was Maris.
327
00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:56,961
Mm. It's a natural mistake.
328
00:19:58,671 --> 00:19:59,965
Uh, what tipped you off?
329
00:20:00,049 --> 00:20:01,967
The heat from her side of the bed.
330
00:20:08,766 --> 00:20:12,144
Well, I think we have a three-way tie.
331
00:20:13,562 --> 00:20:16,942
Here's to the Crane
boys, love's big losers.
332
00:20:21,947 --> 00:20:24,657
You know, I said I needed closure.
333
00:20:24,741 --> 00:20:27,326
I won't have it until I do one more thing.
334
00:20:27,410 --> 00:20:30,038
Now be careful, Niles.
From this height that can hurt somebody.
335
00:20:30,122 --> 00:20:31,707
All… All clear.
336
00:20:34,001 --> 00:20:35,086
Goodbye, Maris!
337
00:20:35,962 --> 00:20:37,672
You hurt me for the last time.
338
00:20:38,839 --> 00:20:41,589
MARTIN: Niles, is that your
Mercedes parked down there?
339
00:20:44,429 --> 00:20:47,933
Oh, well, good body shop
will be able to pound that out.
340
00:20:53,063 --> 00:20:54,398
Well, it's Saturday night.
341
00:20:56,442 --> 00:20:57,276
Here we are…
342
00:20:58,611 --> 00:20:59,445
Again.
343
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,367
Wonder how many women are
out there tonight without a date.
344
00:21:04,742 --> 00:21:05,576
Thousands.
345
00:21:06,369 --> 00:21:09,414
Thousands of opportunities
for us to humiliate ourselves.
346
00:21:10,916 --> 00:21:12,918
Well, come and get us, Seattle.
347
00:21:14,169 --> 00:21:16,004
Three Cranes, no waiting.
348
00:21:16,088 --> 00:21:17,172
We're desperate.
349
00:21:17,965 --> 00:21:19,258
We're ludicrous.
350
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:20,926
We're pathetic.
351
00:21:37,318 --> 00:21:38,402
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
352
00:21:38,486 --> 00:21:40,984
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
353
00:21:41,068 --> 00:21:43,241
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
354
00:21:43,325 --> 00:21:44,285
Oh, my.
355
00:21:45,369 --> 00:21:47,788
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
356
00:21:47,872 --> 00:21:49,832
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
357
00:21:50,416 --> 00:21:52,376
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
358
00:21:52,460 --> 00:21:54,045
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
359
00:21:54,129 --> 00:21:57,382
♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
360
00:21:58,467 --> 00:22:00,427
♪ They're callin' again ♪
361
00:22:01,219 --> 00:22:02,095
Good night!