[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, well, look who's here. It's KACL's Frasier Crane.
And Rosemary's Bebe.
So, quite a little shakeup going on down at the station.
I hear the new owner wants to renegotiate everyone's contract.
And, before you drop another flimsy hint, know that my feelings for you
-haven't changed. -Fine.
Actually, I'm here to meet one of my newer clients,
-a rising star of the Seattle airwaves. -Oh, really?
What pathetic dupe have you lured into your web now?
Roz.
Oh, dear God.
You just get off your feet, little mother.
I'll fetch you a nice nourishing muffin.
You signed with Bebe?
Okay, I know, I should have told you.
I just wasn't in the mood for one of your lectures.
I'm not gonna give you a lecture.
You're entitled to choose whoever you wish to represent you.
Someone who's honest, or a woman
whose ethics would've raised eyebrows in the court of Caligula.
Look, she's got me three voice-over jobs.
Now she may be a little shifty, but she helps me put food on the table.
-One muffin. -See?
So, Roz, I had a brainstorm last night
about how to turn this little bundle of joy
into a big bundle of cash.
I'm gonna use my baby to make money?
Yes, it's high time the slacker started pulling his weight..
You know Dr. Clint Webber's medical show?
Well, I see a daily segment called
"A Pregnant Pause: Roz Doyle's Term of Endearment."
All of Seattle will share in the miracle happening inside you,
your joys, hopes, morning sickness, sonograms, even the birth.
I'll give birth on the air?
It's radio. Just make the noises.
Hell, I'll make them myself.
-Need anything else here? -Just a shower, thank you.
You know, Mr. Integrity, word on the street
is you still haven't hired anyone to negotiate this big deal for you.
Could it be because in your heart, you know you want to come back to me?
Yes, because I'm determined to make the right choice.
You need somebody good.
That's exactly what I intend to find, someone good.
I'm gonna prove to you it's possible to find an agent
who can drive a hard bargain and yet maintain
the highest ethical standards.
Happy hunting.
If things don't work out, you know my number.
Still 666, is it?
-Oh, hey, Niles. -Hello, Dad.
We had a little mix-up last night with our bags at the video store.
Believe me, I noticed.
Yes, there you go. At first I was dismayed.
I popped in the tape,
and there was Charles Bronson blowing away street trash.
But I actually got into it.
-It was quite suspenseful. -Hmm.
Well, that's the way Duke and I felt about My Dinner With Andre.
Talk about suspense.
"Will they order dessert?" "Will they leave a good tip?"
-Oh, hello, Niles. -NILES: Oh, uh…
Frasier, I'm sorry to trouble you about this,
but, uh, could you recommend another couples therapist?
Good Lord, not again.
What happened to Dr. Prescott?
Please, Maris had me can Dr. Prescott weeks ago.
-Now she wants me to fire Dr. Wilfong. -What's her problem with him?
She says his criticism of her is too harsh.
Well, some therapists can be rather blunt and hard-hitting.
-What did he say? -He asked her to refrain
from catalog shopping during our sessions.
You know, Niles,
if you fire every therapist that finds fault with her,
-you're never going to make any progress. -You're right, of course.
I'll just tell her we're not gonna change therapists.
-That's that. -FRASIER: Good.
You know, sometimes there's nothing more rewarding than sticking to a principle.
Case in point, you know, my contract's coming up,
and, well, Bebe Glazer's been angling to negotiate my new one.
Anyway, I could have done the easy thing, said yes, taken the money and run.
But, instead, I said no and I found myself a new agent,
one who's every bit as smart and also ethical.
-[DOORBELL RINGS] -That's him now.
I don't know what kind of bull that guy sold you,
but there's no such thing as an ethical agent.
One's just as slimy as the other.
-Hello, Ben. -Hi. Sorry I'm late.
I was making my last Meals on Wheels delivery,
and I swerved to avoid a pigeon.
Then splat went the food all over the stuffed bears for the toy drive.
I had to run home, throw the bears in the wash
and cook some more borscht for Mrs. Popov.
Well, I'm glad you made it.
Anyway, this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
-Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you. -I'm sorry I'm running out.
You're certainly a refreshing change from Frasier's last agent.
I think she would have swerved to hit the pigeon.
No, she would've swerved to hit Mrs. Popov.
-Ben, I'd like you to meet my dad, Martin. -Hi.
And this is his home healthcare worker, Daphne.
-Daphne, this is Ben, my new agent. -Oh, very nice to meet you.
-And you. -Yeah, it sounds like
-you're a pretty busy volunteer. -Yes, indeed!
You know, Ben just won this year's Seattle Samaritan Award.
-Enough about me. Let's talk about you. -Oh.
-May I? -Please.
I, uh, was thinking that before we start this negotiation,
it wouldn't hurt to raise your public profile.
-I like the sound of that. -Okay, here's my plan.
For a year now I've done pro bono work for the Mercer Island Zoo.
You know, spreading the word, raising awareness.
-There's a zoo on Mercer Island? -You betcha.
This will be great PR for both of you. They just bought a rare crane.
-FRASIER: Uh-huh. -I convinced them to name it after you.
You know, Frasier Crane.
So there'll be a ceremony with full newspaper and TV coverage.
And I think it's brilliant.
I'm bolstering my bargaining position
and also helping out a plucky little zoo.
I love this man.
I think it would be fun to have a crane named after me.
I just love those big pouchy mouths they scoop up the fish in.
I think those are pelicans.
Oh, right.
Cranes are the ones who always sound like they're laughing.
-No, wait, I'm thinking of loons. -[MARTIN CHUCKLES]
That's a coincidence.
Oh, shoot, I got borscht on my sleeve. Do you have any club soda?
-MARTIN: Daph? -Right through here.
-Help yourself. -Thank you.
Frasier, you said it was a big deal.
Are you sure you want to send in that Mouseketeer?
Why does everybody assume that in order to be an agent
you have to be some sort of unscrupulous huckster?
It is possible for a good and decent man
to be every bit as intimidating as the toughest shark out there.
Well, time to skedaddle.
I have to pick up a friend.
The poor guy just went bankrupt,
so I'm letting him bunk in our rumpus room for a while.
That's awfully generous of you.
Well, he's not just a friend. He's a client.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Uh, and the press and the board members will join us in here for a little buffet.
So I finish my speech, and then I give Mr. Twembly here the cue,
and he, he brings out this marvelous creature.
Just give me the signal.
Oh, this is great.
Look at this, turkey, chicken wings. Hey, gotta make you a little nervous, huh?
Look, it's Toffee Macintosh from the news.
-I just love her. -Oh, yes, really?
Frasier.
Toffee, thank you for covering us.
Oh, you know my motto:
"If it happens in Seattle, it's news to me."
[ALL LAUGH]
Listen, I'd like you to meet one of your biggest fans,
-Daphne Moon. -Hello.
I just love the way you get all somber when you describe a flood or a murder.
Then you cheer right up the minute you're done.
It makes me think, "Well, if she can get over it, so can I."
That's what I'm here for.
-Ready to greet your public? -Well, yes. Yeah, come on, Dad.
Wait, I'll be there in a sec.
Well, you see what maternal instincts this woman has.
Even little Bobo here can sense it.
Well, I can see I'm not the only one getting some publicity today.
Frasier, they want to start pretty soon.
Ben, I'd like you to meet some people.
This is Bebe and Roz. This is, Ben, my new agent.
-Hi. -ROZ: Hi, Ben.
-Hey, talk about your small world. -Hmm?
Turns out Mr. Twembly
and I both sang tenor for the same choir back home in Salt Lake City.
Nice meeting you, ladies.
Well, when there's a dirty job to be done, you can't go wrong with a Mormon.
Scoff all you like. The man is a genius of PR.
[SCOFFS]
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
On behalf of the Mercer Island Zoo,
I would like to welcome our very special guest,
Dr. Frasier Crane.
FRASIER: Thank you, Mr. Twembly.
I suppose it's only appropriate that the zoo has called upon me
to introduce you all to its newest resident.
You see, he happens to be a relative of mine.
Hey, what are you lookin' at? This is human food.
You don't see me lookin' at your bird food, do ya?
[GRUNTS]
What do you think you're doin', huh? That's not very nice.
Oh, wait, wait, no, no, no. Wait! Where you goin'?
We're both tall and have distinctive profiles.
We've both been known to winter in Mexico.
And let's not forget our voices.
Is there anything as stirring as the crane's majestic cry?
MARTIN: [SCREAMS] Get this damn thing off me!
FRASIER: Dad, are you all right? What's happening?
Oh, good Lord. Oh, my goodness, what is going on?
I'm sorry. Nothing, nothing to be alarmed about.
Just a little family squabble.
[LAUGHS WEAKLY]
In a shocking and gruesome incident this afternoon,
the Mercer Island Zoo seemed more like the Island of Dr. Moreau,
as a disabled senior citizen was savagely attacked
by Frasier Crane, Bird of Prey.
I can't watch any more of this.
Well, that makes us even. I can't hear any of it.
Oh, you weren't hurt that badly.
You wouldn't know that to listen to Toffee.
She makes it sound like a disaster.
I know.
But did you see the way she could smile right after?
Lord, this entire affair has turned into a PR. nightmare.
Well, it's your own fault for hiring Howdy Doody as your agent.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Dad, I'm sorry.
Ben had no idea that bird was going to attack you.
Besides, there's a school of thought that there is no such thing as bad publicity.
[SNICKERING]
Frasier, I was just hearing about you on the car radio.
The DJ was offering a cash prize for the best Frasier Crane joke.
What was the front-runner? Yes.
How can you tell Frasier the Crane's a psychiatrist?
I can't wait to hear.
He ignores what you say, then sticks you with a large bill.
You must forgive my jolly mood,
but Maris was over tonight for our weekly conjugal visit.
Oh, geez.
I've never seen her look so seductive.
She wore a clingy gown, crimson lipstick, even earrings,
which she tends to avoid as they make her head droop.
She pulled me down upon the bed and began playing my spine like a zither.
And then just as things were heating up,
she renewed her request that I dismiss Dr. Wilfong.
So tremulous with desire was I that I almost relented,
but then I remembered your advice, Frasier,
and I said I wouldn't fire the good doctor,
at which point Maris told me
I wouldn't be firing anything else in the foreseeable future.
And she left!
Niles, withholding sex can be just as difficult on Maris.
-She may crumble first. -Are you serious?
One hour of passion can sustain her for months.
She stores it up like some sexual camel.
All right, Niles, you know that my advice was solid.
I hope you're right.
[PHONE RINGS]
I'll get it.
Hello. Oh, hello, Roz. It's Roz.
Thank you.
Roz, hello. Yes, what is it?
That's a striking arrangement.
It's from Bebe.
After what happened today, she's trying to woo him back.
Birds of paradise. I suppose that's her idea of floral irony.
Yes, well, uh, thanks for the warning, Roz.
Bye, bye.
What's that about?
It turns out that the station manager
won't be renegotiating the contracts himself.
Apparently he's brought in one of these hired guns stations use to reduce costs.
Some fellow nicknamed "The Hammer."
They call him "The Hammer" because he's tough?
No, Niles, because he loves the lyrics of Oscar Hammerstein.
Frasier, if I were you, I'd call Bebe.
Now I'm no fan of hers either, but this is a pretty big negotiation.
-[DOORBELL RINGS] -No, Dad, I am sticking with Ben.
Oh, sure, maybe Bebe could use her dark arts to get me a dollar or two more,
but, you know, my integrity is worth more than that.
-Hello, Ben. Well, I'm fine. -Hey, big guy. How are you doin'?
BEN: Good.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Boy, people sure are being mean about this.
I was just listening to the radio on the way over.
Ouch. Yeah, but I always say,
"If life hands you a lemon, make lemonade."
That's the spirit. So you've got some sort of damage control plan?
You betcha. I got a way to turn this mess around
and show that station manager what you're made of.
But you won't be dealing with him.
You'll be dealing with this, freelancer they call "The Hammer."
Hoo-boy.
-You've gone up against him? -Oh, yes.
And I had to take a pretty firm line with him.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
I said, "You clean up your language, pal.
I walked out of that Mamet play, I can walk out on you."
So, uh, about your plan.
Yeah, right. Um…
I think there's a way to show people you're laughing right along with them.
You know, you do a photo op where you,
Seattle's best-loved psychiatrist, give the crane therapy.
You know, you sit in a chair with a pad on your lap,
and the crane, properly sedated, of course, sits on this.
Where on earth did you find a couch that size?
Oh, I built it myself. I have a little workshop in my attic
where I make toys for the neighborhood kids.
Look at you. Agent, Samaritan…
Elf.
Dad, I like this idea.
It's droll and self-mocking.
It's the perfect way to turn a PR embarrassment into a triumph.
Great. I'll, uh, set up the photo op.
And don't you be nervous about the Hammer, all right?
-I can be a pretty tough customer. -I'm sure that you can.
I know you're going in there and give him hell.
Boy, I love show folk, but I'll never get used to the cursing.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Latte, please.
Hey, didn't I see your picture in the paper today?
There was a big bird chasing you around a little couch.
Latte, please.
Well, I think you have a real case
against the maker of those crane sedatives.
I just wish they'd named the damned bird after somebody else.
Gregory Peck, perhaps.
Thank you for the sympathy.
You're not the only one who's going through a rough patch.
Maris has strained my libido to the breaking point.
Niles, you can't give in.
I am getting desperate.
This morning I found myself flirting with my manicurist.
-The one with the thing on her face? -I told you, I'm desperate.
What can be keeping Ben?
After all this, you're still using Ben?
-Shouldn't you just go back to Bebe? -I see what you're doing.
If I bail out, it gives you an excuse to go crawling back to Maris.
Well, I'm not going to do it.
Ben may have made some mistakes, but he is a good man.
He's going to make me a good deal. Gil!
How did it go with the Hammer?
You've never seen such cold, dead eyes.
It was like bargaining with Nosferatu.
My salary's been slashed.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Can I do anything else for you?
Yes, would you mind nibbling on this provocatively?
FRASIER: Niles.
We're fine, thank you.
I wish you good luck, Frasier.
I don't see anybody squeezing blood from that stone.
Lattes for everyone.
Dear God, don't tell me you did well?
I got a weekly spot on Clint Webber's show and a 30 percent raise.
GIL: How on earth did you get all that?
Oh, we go way back, the Hammer and I. I know where the bodies are buried.
Usually that's just a metaphor.
So, Gil, what'll you have? My treat.
I think I'll be happier at the losers' table
with Aunt Penny the Story Lady.
Penny, don't put that flask away.
Well, congratulations, Roz.
I'm waiting for Ben.
We have to discuss our bargaining position.
Oh, there are so many to choose from:
kneeling, crawling, groveling.
I'm sure he'll pick the right one.
God, she is obnoxious.
Hmm.
Though alluring, in a buxom-bad-girl kind of way.
Oh, shut up, you horny idiot.
My bandage seems a little loose.
If Ben gets here, just tell him I went in to fix it.
Frasier, we have to talk.
Are you aware that you are in the men's room?
Oh, please.
If I paid attention to signs with little pictures on them,
I'd never get a parking space.
Now it's time we both dropped the masks. You need me and I want you back.
Just sign this contract.
I'll cut you a deal that'll make Roz's look like lunch money.
Isn't there a zebra carcass somewhere you should be hovering over?
You wanna see a carcass, chum? Look in the mirror.
Look what you've let that man do to you.
Your face is riddled with bird bites, your name's a punchline,
and your career is five minutes from over.
And he's only been your agent for three days.
Send him in against the Hammer,
and you'll be doing fog reports from a lighthouse in Puget Sound.
Admit it, you're scared.
All right, maybe I am scared.
But there's one thing that's stronger than fear.
Faith.
Faith that a good man with a good heart can make a good deal.
Now get out of my way.
No, I won't let you.
You know what I've been through building your career?
I have been to hell and back so often I have frequent flyer miles.
You owe me a second chance.
Take your tentacles off of me!
Please, I won't be the same Bebe you knew.
I'll change.
I'll be like Ben, only competent.
Darling, you forgot to sign.
Oh, you've reconciled. Congratulations.
-I'll just be off to Maris's. -Sit down, Niles!
I'm still with Ben. Ben.
Sorry I'm late.
I took my son's troop on a nature hike, and Noah got a bee sting.
So I rushed him to the emergency room. Then I came straight here.
It's all right. We've got five minutes.
Excuse me.
Now, Frasier, you know Bebe can make you a better deal.
Listen to Roz.
-Listen to Niles. -I'm not listening to any of you.
My God, am I the last man on God's green earth
that's still willing to stand up for a principle?
Shall we go over those demands for old Mr. Hammer?
Ben, could we have a word?
Hello, Maris?
Uh… I don't think it's news to you that things haven't been going so…
Smoothly with us.
I think I'd feel more comfortable with Bebe.
I know this must seem a bit of a shock to you, but…
Heck, no. I saw this coming.
When you threw that little couch at me,
I thought, "This is not a happy client."
-Thanks for understanding. -Sure.
NILES: Taxi!
Sign right here, darling.
Now I'm holding you to your promise about changing.
I won't stand for any more shady doings.
Those days are all behind me.
Once we've worked on this thing with the Hammer,
maybe you can see what you can do about diffusing this bird situation.
Oh, you don't have to worry about the crane anymore.
Poor thing choked to death this morning.
They have no idea who would feed a bird a jawbreaker.
Bye now.
Bebe, is there any chance it wasn't you?
Oh, darling.
There's always a chance.
I can live with that.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby I hear the blues a-calling ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're calling again ♪
Good night, Seattle, we love you!