[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-MARTIN: Oh! Easy. -Sorry. Your neck is tight.
Yeah, well, it's been a tense couple of days.
Holidays will do that to you.
Yeah, well, this has been the worst Christmas ever.
It all started yesterday.
You know the only part about Christmas I don't like?
How quickly it's all over.
Yes, come December 26th…
It's all just a memory.
With nothing but your light decorating touch to remind us.
-Afternoon, all. -FRASIER: Hello, Daphne.
Oh, that's awfully dangerous, Daphne.
Standing there under that mistletoe.
That's enough eggnog, Niles.
DAPHNE: The oddest thing just happened.
I was walking Eddie past that church over on Chestnut,
and he turned to go inside like he assumed that's where we were going.
FRASIER: That's strange.
He did the same thing with me yesterday when I was walking him.
Any idea why he'd do that, Mr. Crane?
Look, that dog's always doing weird things.
Yesterday we were taking our bath together,
and he spent 15 straight minutes
pushing the soap around with his nose like an otter.
Weird.
Yes.
If he gets any weirder, we'll have to send Eddie to a home.
Well, I'm off. I've got all my Christmas shopping to do yet.
-All of it? -I'm determined not to settle this year.
I want my gifts to be remembered and cherished long after the holidays.
Well, you know, nothing is cherished quite so much
as the gift of laughter.
If you want Highway Patrol Bloopers, you're gonna have to buy it yourself.
-You're not gonna drink that that way. -Why?
My goodness, the first mistake in eggnog preparation
is failing to garnish it properly
with a dash of nutmeg.
-Oh. -There we are.
[SHOUTING, GAGGING]
Oh. Of course, the second mistake is placing the paprika
next to the nutmeg on the spice shelf.
DAPHNE: Mr. Crane!
Are you all right?
Oh, yes. We're fine, Daphne.
-Are you all right, Dad? -Yeah, I'm fine.
Fras, before you go, can I talk to you for a minute?
Well, sure. What is it?
Well, what Daphne was talking about, uh…
There is a reason Eddie knows that church.
I've been taking him there.
I guess the family that bathes together prays together.
No, there's this priest, Father Curtis.
He got to know Eddie, and he asked if they could use him for the Christmas pageant,
and I said sure.
Well, the next thing I know, he's roped me in to play a shepherd.
Well, then Dutch Gansvort comes down with bronchitis
and I get promoted to a wise man.
Dad, is there a point to this story looming somewhere on the horizon?
As a wise man, I have to sing a song.
I said that was fine, but the song's a killer.
-I'm gonna humiliate myself. -Maybe you just need a little rehearsal.
-Why don't we work on it tonight? -You think that would help?
You're a good singer, just a little rusty. We'll start around 8?
-Great. -You know, I am a good singer.
Remember those family picnics when I used to belt out "What's New Pussycat?"
-We'll start around 7:00, then. -Oh.
FRASIER: Niles, hold the elevator.
["O CHRISTMAS TREE" PLAYING ON PIANO]
Hey, boys, this is that song I was telling you about.
"O Holy Night." Do you know it?
Well, of course, Dad, it's a classic.
My God, it all builds to that one glorious note:
♪ O night ♪
♪ Divine ♪
♪ O night… ♪
Yes, yes, that's the note I can't hit.
I practice in my room
and Eddie ends up burying his head under the pillow.
-Don't worry, we'll get you there. -Can we just get this done?
I wanna get it finished before Daphne gets back.
I don't want her to know about this,
or she'll insist on coming down to the pageant,
-and I'm nervous enough as it is. -Fine.
Let's see what we have to work with.
Why don't you start here, with "O night…"
And I want to hear you really attack the note.
Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]
♪ O night when Christ was born ♪
♪ O night ♪
[SCREECHING] ♪ Divine ♪
Sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats.
[BANGING ON CEILING]
Shut up!
This bozo upstairs, he bangs on the floor every time I sing.
Well, just ignore him, Dad.
I tell you what, Dad, there is another vocal exercise I remember.
It was very useful to me when I was singing Colonel Fairfax
in Yeomen of the Guard.
You see, the principle is to distract yourself
with a physical exercise, thus freeing the voice.
You'll hit one note,
then you slide up the octave
as you descend slowly into a crouch position.
Observe.
[SINGING GLISSANDO]
You see? It works.
That's very interesting. I wonder if the reverse is true.
[BOTH SINGING GLISSANDI]
Try it, Dad.
No, I'm afraid with three of us doing it, it might look stupid.
I'm starting to think your problem's all psychological.
No, you've convinced yourself you can't hit this note.
Yeah, I convinced the guy upstairs too.
I think Niles may be right. You need positive reinforcement.
Let's try it again, and this time,
try to eliminate any negative thoughts.
-Okay. -Let's go a little earlier, Niles.
-"Fall on your knees." -"Fall on your knees."
♪ Fall on your knees ♪
You've got it, Dad.
♪ Oh, hear ♪
I hear sweet music.
♪ The angel voices ♪
I hear one angel.
♪ O night ♪
FRASIER: Lovely night.
♪ Divine ♪
Something's divine.
-♪ O night ♪ -Yeah, Dad.
♪ When Christ was born ♪
A star is born!
♪ O night ♪
Bring it home now.
[SCREECHING] ♪ Divine! ♪
-[BANGING ON CEILING] -ALL: Oh, shut up!
Your shoulders are awfully tight.
[SCOFFS] It's been a stressful few days.
I'd be happy to listen.
Oh, no.
Well, it started yesterday.
I had something on my mind.
Lucky for me, Dr. Crane's brother was over.
He's always been such a good friend to me.
-Afternoon, all. -ALL: Hello, Daphne.
That's awfully dangerous, Daphne, standing under that mistletoe.
A piece could fall into your eye.
Let me freshen your drink, Niles.
Thank you, Dr. Crane.
The oddest thing just happened.
I was walking Eddie past that church over on Chestnut,
and he turned to go inside like he assumed that's where we were going.
That's strange.
He did the same thing yesterday when I was walking him.
Any idea why he'd do that, Mr. Crane?
Nope.
Dogs are weird.
You know, that worries me a bit.
What does?
Well, I think your father's been going to that church.
I had an uncle who did the same thing.
He had no interest in church his whole life,
then he started going every day.
Turns out he had some bad health news from his doctor.
He didn't even last a year.
Well, first of all, I can see you're upset,
so come here.
Thank you, Dr. Crane.
You're always so supportive.
And second of all, I think you're worrying over nothing.
I've never known my father to have so much as a hangnail
without letting everyone know about it.
That's true.
Maybe I just got myself worked up remembering my uncle John.
Look at you. Just saying his name gets you upset. Come here.
-Well, I'm fine. -No, no, you need a hug.
Well, all right.
[MARTIN HACKING]
Mr. Crane!
Are you all right?
We're fine, Daphne.
See? Nothing to worry about.
Well, I have got to run.
Hold the elevator, Niles.
-We'll see you soon, Daphne. -DAPHNE: Bye.
Oh, and, uh, Dad,
listen, don't worry.
We'll…
Niles and I will be there for you.
What's that about?
Oh, never mind.
Well, I gotta go lie down.
Mr. Crane? Did you ever call Dr. Stewart for the results of your physical?
Oh, sure, yeah. A couple of days ago.
I'm… fine.
Come on, Eddie.
DAPHNE: Is everything all right?
Oh, yeah.
It's just all over so fast.
DAPHNE: Well, that was enough to convince me I was right.
And the next 24 hours were a living hell.
The worst came the next day.
I'm terrified about this, Father.
All this came around so sudden. I'm… I'm not prepared.
Tell me again what I'm supposed to say when I see Jesus the first time?
Okay. All right. Well, thank you. Yeah, I'll see you soon. Bye.
Oh, hi, Daphne.
-Hello. -Hi.
I'm just so excited about the gift I just got for you, Mr. Crane.
-Oh, great. -Why don't you open it now?
Well… to tell you the truth, I don't really have much time.
I'm kind of on my way out.
-[SOBS] -Wait, wait. Okay. All right.
Yeah, I'll open it now. Sure, sure.
Don't wanna get you upset.
You must be really excited about this.
Oh, wow! It's that sweater!
The one I pointed out to you in the window. That's great.
Boy, I can die a happy man now.
Daphne, what's the matter? Are you all right?
[SOBBING] Oh, Mr. Crane.
I know why you've been going down to that church.
You do? You're not supposed to know about that.
-But why is it making you so upset? -Because I care about you.
You were actually going to let this whole thing happen
without ever telling a soul?
Well, yes.
I don't want people staring at me in that church,
stiff as a board, all that makeup on my face.
So…
How much time have you got?
About 20 minutes.
-Twenty minutes? -Yeah.
And, boy, will I be glad when it's over.
This is the last Christmas pageant I'm ever signing up for.
You're in a Christmas pageant?
What did you think I was talking about?
-I thought you were dying! -What?
You just got your test results back, you're down at the church all the time.
-Why are you laughing? -Well, that's funny.
-I don't think it's so bloody funny. -Are you kidding? [GAGS] I'm dying!
You will be!
What are you… Daphne, don't do that.
Don't you tell me what to do! I was worried sick!
What kind of a house were you brought up in?
DAPHNE: I don't know why you have to keep secrets.
This isn't the North of England. You don't go throwing furniture at me.
-This is decent stuff. It's not the sort… -Oh, I don't care about…
MASSEUR: You can talk about it, if you like.
Oh, I'm not ready just yet.
Oh…
I can't tell you how good that feels.
I don't think I've ever had a massage like this before.
Well, I'm glad.
As long as you're so relaxed,
maybe I should just give you your Christmas present right now.
[NILES GROANING]
Ow.
-You woke me up! -Sorry.
Guess this ankle is a bit tender.
Well, yours would be too if you'd had the day I had.
I'd gone out to do some shopping.
Then I arrived at Frasier's building.
Excuse me.
Sorry. I don't mean to crowd you.
This is a brand-new hand-tailored Italian suit.
You know how difficult it is to get sap out of silk.
Another reason we didn't need this tree.
Oh, Albert.
This thing's a fire hazard.
They make a chemical now that you can use to fireproof a tree.
It causes cancer.
Happy holidays, then.
[ELEVATOR CLUNKS]
What just happened?
I think the elevator stopped.
Not to worry. I'm sure we'll get it going in a moment.
We've probably got about 20 minutes of oxygen.
Sir, you're just going to alarm everyone.
-I work in an ER. -Ah.
Perhaps you can instruct these people on the best way to stay cool in a crisis.
I was on duty that night the elevator cable snapped
at the Bing building.
They brought those people in on cookie sheets.
[BUTTON CLICKING]
Uh, hello? Is anyone there?
MAN [OVER INTERCOM]: Yeah. Who is it?
There's a group of us stuck in one of your elevators.
The doors won't open, and we can't seem to move off the eighth floor.
All right. Where are you calling from, sir?
The Elliott Bay Towers.
Both my crews are out.
Could be a good hour and a half before I can get anybody there.
I can't wait that long.
My children are alone upstairs in the apartment.
You haven't got a gas oven up there, have you?
There is another way. If somebody felt like climbing
through the trapdoor on top of your car,
there's a manual-release switch up there that would open up your doors.
That's what we've gotta do, then. Somebody's gotta go up there.
That's a pretty small opening.
I have more confidence in your wife than you do.
Step this way, ma'am. I'll give you a leg up.
It has to be you.
Well… I… How do you expect me to get up there?
-You could climb up the tree. -Oh, come on.
Surely you climbed plenty of trees when you were a boy.
It's Dr. Crane's brother.
BOTH: Oh.
Fine.
I suppose in times of crisis,
someone must step forward and be a hero.
Today that man is Niles Crane.
Tomorrow it will be my dry cleaner, Mr. Lee.
All right, come on, now. Grab his feet and we'll push him through.
-NILES: No, no, wait. Not so fast! -[THUD]
Well, not to worry. I landed in a nice soft puddle of grease.
I just have to find the release switch. Bear with me.
-Quick. -NILES: Did that do anything?
People?
Lady with my coat?
Where'd you all go?
[RETREATING VOICE] Oh, my God! We're going up!
Someone stop this thing!
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Ow.
Why is that man crawling?
That's Dr. Crane's brother.
Oh.
NILES: I was slightly shaken by what I had done,
but I'd completely composed myself as I arrived at Frasier's.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
But it was some time later
before I was able to tell him what had happened.
Of course, I have no idea what you use to get elevator grease out of silk.
Well, brown suede seems to be leaching it out nicely.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Anyway, no Christmas is complete without a bit of tumult,
but now we can all relax and enjoy a lovely holiday evening together.
Merry Christmas.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
-You sure you wanna hear about this? -Why not?
Okay.
I've been feeling a little depressed lately
because I'm putting on all this weight.
I'm pregnant.
Hey, guys.
-Hey, Roz. -Hi, Roz.
-Hi. -That's a nice suit.
Thank you. It's brand-new.
And since you'll probably be ordering food,
I think I will just go rather than risk getting it stained.
What is that supposed to be? A crack about how much I eat?
Absolutely not. It was a crack about your table manners.
Well, I should go too.
Just a couple hours before the pageant, and I need the time to rehearse.
Not to worry, Dad. Come tomorrow, it'll all be a memory.
Yeah, but even after it's all over,
I still have to make peace with the man upstairs.
So, Frasier, are you sure we have to do this charity thing this afternoon?
Come on, Roz. It's just an hour out of your life.
Besides, I think you're gonna make an adorable Mrs. Claus.
Why? Because now I look so much like her 'cause I've gotten so fat?
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Why, yes, Mrs. Doyle. Yes, she is.
Just a moment. It's your mom. They forwarded her from the office.
Hello, Mom?
Yes, I got your message.
Yup, I'm picking you up at the airport, 10 a.m.
I'm looking forward to seeing you too. Bye.
-Wait, wait. Let me say merry Christmas. -Hang on, Mom.
Mrs. Doyle? Yes, Frasier again. Hi. Happy holidays.
Listen. Just a word to the wise.
Roz has put on quite a few pregnancy pounds of late,
and she's really sensitive about it,
so I would just say be careful what you say to her, all right?
Bye. Yes, we'll see you soon.
Bye.
I think I'm gonna meet you over there.
-I still have a couple of gifts to get. -Oh, God.
I still have all of mine to get. No matter how hard I try,
I just can't seem to find anything that seems quite right this year.
Oh, it's really sweet how you're trying so hard
to make all your gifts special.
I'm sorry I've been so cranky.
-I'm just nervous about my mom coming. -I know.
I'm sort of dreading the big conversation where I finally tell her I'm pregnant.
You mean, you… You haven't told her yet?
-No. -Oh.
It's just not the type of thing you blurt out over the phone.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
I'll let you get that. I'll see you over there.
Right.
Hello?
Yes, I had a feeling you might call back.
FRASIER: Roz, there you are. I was beginning to worry about you.
Well, you should have.
I'm on the verge of a complete breakdown. Shopping was a disaster.
When I went to slip into this darling little costume,
my pants split.
-FRASIER: Oh. -On top of all that,
I can't stop thinking about my mom.
How am I gonna tell her?
Well, Roz, if you'd like, I can tell her for you.
She'll be mad enough that I waited three months to tell her.
The only thing worse would be to hear it from someone else.
FRASIER: It's possible she already knows.
No way.
The only person who knows she's spoken to is you…
-Oh, my God. Frasier? -Okay.
Ho, ho, ho. Who's first?
What is wrong with you? I'm gonna kill you.
-You're gonna kill Santa? -No, little girl.
-Mrs. Claus just wants to kiss me. -Yeah, I'll kiss you.
Come here. I'll kiss you good.
Here. Run along.
Are you insane?
Roz, you tell your mother everything. How was I supposed to know?
[FRASIER CHUCKLES]
Hi, Santa. I want a pony for Christmas.
You got it. Now beat it.
-Can't we talk about this later? -No, we can't.
Hi, Santa.
Oh, my God, what are you, 20? Get out of here.
Roz, will you just try to stay calm?
No, I will not stay calm, because I am not calm.
I am completely freaked!
[SOBBING] I am pregnant, and you told my crazy mother,
and my Christmas is ruined,
and I'm too fat to even be Mrs. Santa, and I hate this holiday!
Mrs. Claus was up very late last night.
ROZ: Of course, I still had to stop by Frasier's.
I had to give him his champagne glasses.
Merry Christmas.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Roz, don't go!
Come on, I'm sorry about what happened, but it was a mistake.
You can't stay mad at me.
-I still have to face my mother tomorrow. -We can talk about that. Come on in.
Please, come in.
Roz, how would it look if I turned a pregnant lady away on Christmas Eve
when there's so much room here at the inn?
Niles, Daphne, Roz is here.
-Hello. -Hi.
-Oh, come on, people.
Let's liven things up a little. It's Christmas Eve.
What are the Cranes known for if not their legendary holiday spirit?
I hate singing, and I hate Christmas, and I'm going to bed.
Dad, what happened?
I went into my song and everything was going fine,
and we come up to the high note and I think I'm gonna hit it for once.
Then I look over and I see Eddie.
He's got his head buried in the Christ child's cradle.
I guess he mistook the Christ child for one of his chew toys,
'cause he grabs a hold of it in his teeth and starts shaking it.
So the Virgin Mary grabs a hold of one of his legs.
Well, you know how Eddie loves tug-of-war.
So they're going at it, then Eddie goes running out of there
with it still in his mouth
and half the population of Bethlehem chasing after him.
I never should have agreed to be in that pageant.
-You would have saved me a lot of grief. -Don't start this again.
Don't you talk to her like that.
Let's not say something we're gonna regret.
You're one to talk.
Roz, please.
[ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
All right! That is enough!
This is the night we celebrate peace and togetherness!
I will not have that ruined!
I intend to put us all in the right frame of mind…
By giving you all my gift.
As you know, I was determined
to make my gift this year a little more meaningful.
And after a great deal of effort, I believe I have.
My gift does not come from some fancy store,
all wrapped in glittery paper.
My gift comes from my heart.
Tonight I intend to sit each one of you down
and tell you in my own words
exactly how much you mean to me.
That's it? That's the cheapest thing I've ever heard.
-[SCOFFS] -MARTIN: Are you out of your mind?
Or… I could get someone over to give us all massages.
-Oh, great! -Well, then!
[ALL CHATTERING]
I'm so tense, I can't tell you…
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Thank you!