[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN: Half-caf latte, please.
-Half-caf latte! -Half-caf latte!
Half-caf latte!
I rather like this new system. It's lively.
It's more efficient. What can I get for you?
I'll have a double short, low-fat, no-foam latte.
Double short, low-fat, no-foam latte!
Double short, nonfat, low-foam latte!
-Double short, nonfat, no-foam latte! -Excuse me. Uh…
There was a problem in the chain of command.
The middle person reversed part of it.
She said a double short, nonfat, low-foam latte.
Double short, nonfat, low-foam latte!
-Double short, nonfat, low-foam latte! -Double short, nonfat, no-foam latte!
No, you did it again. That's not what I want.
-You can just tell her yourself. -All right.
I'll have a double short, low-fat, no-foam latte.
-Double short, low-fat, no-foam latte! -Double short, low-fat, no-foam latte!
-Nutmeg? -Nutmeg?
-No, thanks.
It inflames my stomach lining.
-Inflames his stomach lining! -Inflames his stomach lining!
-Stop that.
Hello, Niles.
-Welcome back. -Well, thank you.
I trust you and Samantha had a pleasant weekend?
Oh, God, it was fabulous.
We stayed at this gorgeous cabin just outside Aspen,
took a chopper every morning to the top of the mountain.
Oh, I just didn't want it to end.
That would explain why you're still wearing that ridiculous jacket
in an overheated café.
Oh, well, in Aspen we all wear them indoors.
The funniest thing happened at the lodge last night.
Jack Nicholson and Tom Brokaw discovered they were wearing exactly the same jacket,
so they staged a mock fight.
Suddenly Donna Karan flew between them pretending to referee.
I laughed so hard I nearly spilled my toddy on someone named Poof Daddy.
Can I get anything else for you?
Just a dustpan and broom to sweep up some of these names.
Cappuccino, please.
Oh, by the way, Niles, did we have plans for tonight?
-Yes, why? -Well, I'm afraid I have to cancel.
It's my one-month anniversary with Sam.
I'd like to take her to L'Escalier for dinner.
I understand. One month is quite a milestone.
Thanks for the reminder. I need to change my water filter.
Oh, damn. They put nutmeg on this.
Speaking of Meg, Meg Ryan told me a delightful story
about the practical joke Tony Hopkins played on Jodie
at the wrap party for Lambs.
My stomach lining is not going to get a break today, is it?
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
-SAM: I'm so sorry I was late. -FRASIER: Oh, no, that's all right.
I took the liberty of ordering us the "Taste of Monaco" dinner.
Oh, good choice.
Well, as I recall, that's what you ordered on our first date.
Of course, it wasn't food you were craving that night.
You whisked me away back to my place before the crab cakes could even arrive.
[SAM CHUCKLES]
There's no better way to celebrate an anniversary
than with an historical reenactment.
I've got my costume on underneath.
Actually, I'm really looking forward to those crab cakes.
Great. Well, yes, I suppose we should try the food here once.
But be sure to leave some room.
You're bound to find a little Frasier mint on your pillow when we get home.
By the way, thanks again for this weekend.
You're welcome.
It's funny, I think it was a real turning point for us.
Well, for me.
See, I was so relaxed.
In the beginning of relationships, usually I'm very tentative.
I just have this dark fear that I'm about to be cut loose.
-Frasier? -Oh, I know, I know.
I'm just being so insecure. It's nice to know I'm on solid ground.
-Um, Frasier… -I'm standing on quicksand, aren't I?
[SAM SIGHS]
God, I didn't want to talk about this until later.
Oh, God.
Oh, it's just not working out between the two of us.
No, it's not you. It's me.
I just don't feel the same way about us anymore.
But things were going so well.
What happened?
Oh, nothing happened.
But we've had a wonderful time together, Frasier. It's just run its course.
I'm sorry.
Well… I'm sorry too.
I hope we can still be friends.
Oh, yes, yes, I'd like that too.
Well, you know, seeing as how we're friends and all,
I suppose there's no reason we shouldn't stay
and enjoy what's sure to be a splendid meal.
-Absolutely. -Great. Okay.
-[CLEARS THROAT] Your first course. -Ah. Thank you. Mm.
[SNIFFS] Ah.
Oh, tell me, how many more courses are there?
Six, sir.
Could you bring those all at once?
-Good Lord. -What?
Look at this headline.
"Martin Crane dead." Whoa!
You don't need much coffee after that.
Gee, 58. Poor guy. Hardly had a life.
-Handsome fellow, though. -Yeah.
Multimillionaire.
Decorated war hero.
Wrote a spy novel.
"Survived by his wife, Florence, a former Miss Washington,
"and two sons, Joe, a Marine Corps colonel,"
and the professional baseball player Mickey Crane."
Nothing like starting the day off jealous of a dead guy.
Oh, hello, all.
-Morning, Dr. Crane. -Hi, Fras.
You were up and out early today.
Yes, well, I felt like taking a walk.
Got a lot on my mind.
Picked up some pastries.
-DAPHNE: Well… -Great.
Whatever it is, you'll cheer up when you see these photos from your ski weekend.
-Oh. -I admit, I took a peek.
I must say, this Sam of yours is quite a catch.
She's gorgeous, smart, stylish…
We broke up last night.
Orange juice, anyone?
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Oh, it's all right.
It was a mutual decision.
Well, a little more mutual on her part than mine.
Once she dumped me, I jumped right on board.
Anyway, I'll be fine.
That's the spirit. Just put it all behind you.
Exactly.
I must admit, I'm having a little difficulty achieving closure.
See, Sam said that her feelings changed for no reason.
I can't help thinking it might have been something specific about me.
Now hold on. Don't try to make this your fault.
DAPHNE: She's probably telling the truth.
If a woman's trying to spare your feelings, she'll give you the old
"It's not you, it's me."
-That's exactly what she said. -Waffles, anyone?
Fras, I know you're always looking for an explanation for everything,
but sometimes there isn't one.
Well, I know, Dad. It's just, it's gonna just drive me crazy.
You know, until I know why it ended,
I'll just assume it was any number of things about me.
-My self-confidence will be shattered. -You got two choices here.
You can spend days trying to figure it out until it drives you nuts,
or you can do the smart thing, make a clean break,
never talk to her again, and get on with your life.
You're right. That's exactly what I should do.
-Thank you. -No problem.
Sometimes you're very insightful.
I've been around the block a few times.
-So when are you gonna go talk to her? -Right after my waffles.
FRASIER: Sam! Sam!
What are the chances?
You've found my thinking place.
Frasier, listen, I'm ten minutes late for a deposition.
Oh, well, we can walk and talk.
All right.
So I'm loving this new arrangement of ours.
I think this being-friends thing's gonna work out great.
-Could you pick up the pace a little? -Right, right. Uh…
-How have you been? -I just saw you last night.
So you did. Now that you bring up last night…
You do walk fast.
…uh, I was hoping for a little clarification.
I told you, this has nothing to do with you.
Yes, but it seems highly unlikely
that such a sudden change could have nothing to do with me.
I mean, maybe it was something that I did unintentionally.
I'm not sure… Oh, I'm sorry. My fault.
You know, something this weekend maybe?
I know I played the piano in the lounge a little too long,
but who knew General Schwarzkopf was so crazy for show tunes?
All right.
There's nothing I'm not telling you. Sometimes things just end.
Please try not to take it so personally.
-FRASIER: All right. -All right. Look, I really am late.
I'll talk to you soon, okay?
Take care.
-Oh. -What's the matter with you?
Well, that's just it.
I don't know.
Where is Frasier?
He knows we have reservations at Bavetta's.
If you're late, they give away your table
and make you sit in the kitchen with the owner's mother.
What the hell did I do with that remote?
-Daph, are you sure you haven't seen it? -Positive.
MARTIN: They ought to make one with a sensor on it.
If you get more than 20 feet from the TV, it senses it and starts beeping.
Or maybe for a deaf person, they could make one
that has purple smoke coming out of it
like some kind of flare system or something.
Mr. Crane, I'm begging you, you've got to get out of the house more.
Hello, all.
Oh, Niles, what a pleasant surprise.
Just what Mama Bavetta will say when we pull up a chair.
Oh, that's right, dinner. I completely forgot.
I took a long walk after work. I'm sorry, Niles.
-It must have completely slipped my mind. -Well, Bavetta's out now.
I take it you're still consumed with the Sam situation.
-Trying to figure out what happened. -The relationship ended.
-But there's got to be a reason. -See, you're fixated.
I am not fixated.
That is fixated. Dad, what the hell are you doing?
Oh, no, this is stupid.
Maybe if I stick together about ten chopsticks
and put a rubber tip on the end for gripping.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Oh, hello. -Hi.
-Be ready in a sec. -ROZ: It's all right.
-Movie doesn't start till 8:00. -Right.
I forgot you two had plans. Come on in.
-All right. -I was wondering…
No, I don't know why Sam broke up with you, okay?
Just like I didn't know two hours ago.
Just like Gil and Bulldog and Miss Judy from The Arts and Crafts Hour didn't know.
Well… never hurts to ask.
Miss Judy had some real insights before she had to make her Popsicle-stick run.
I'm gonna go to Duke's, watch the game there.
Wait, everybody. Before you're scattered,
I'd like to ask an enormous favor.
In the spirit of, well, self-improvement, I'd like you to tell me in your own words
just what exactly about me you find unlovable.
-[ALL CHATTERING] -No, no, no. Please, please. Please.
Please, honestly, for the sake of my future relationships.
I mean, just… I know that you're afraid to hurt my feelings,
but I can stand a little constructive criticism.
Come on, please, tell me, what do you think are my main faults?
Well, let's start with what you're doing now.
You analyze everything to death.
Sam said it wasn't your fault, but you keep digging around
and digging around until you drive everybody nuts.
-Okay. Dad thinks I am over analytical. -[MARTIN SCOFFS]
That's great. We got the ball rolling. Who's next? Niles?
I'm not entirely sure how useful this exercise is.
I don't care how you feel about it. Participate.
-Pushy. -Well, yes, if that's what it takes…
Oh, thank you.
All right, Daphne, it's your turn. Don't be shy.
Well, if I had to choose,
I'd say you are a bit of a fussbudget.
Fussbudget! If you don't mind the substitution,
I think maybe "demanding" is more le mot juste.
Pretentious.
Right. Now, see, this is very good.
-Roz, you must have something. -You're a little full of yourself.
Great. Okay. Pompous.
And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.
A tad loquacious.
Pretentious.
-Dad, I already wrote that down. -Underline it.
-Oh, uh, snippy. -Snippy.
Sarcastic.
Bossy.
-Huffy. -Vain.
-Oh, yeah. -DAPHNE: That's a good one.
[ALL CHATTERING]
Oh, well, how nice.
We finally found an activity we can all enjoy together.
Why don't you just admit what you're doing here?
This isn't some "help me be a better person" thing.
You're trying to figure out what you can fix so you can win Sam back.
Oh, now, Roz, that's preposterous.
ROZ: Look who you're talking to.
I've been down this road so many times they call it the Roz Expressway.
I've heard that phrase before but in a slightly different context.
Well, all right.
Maybe there is some truth in what you say.
I mean, after all, Sam is really quite a catch.
Why wouldn't I want to get her back?
But you shouldn't change yourself just to please her.
It's not healthy, and it doesn't work.
If it did, Steve Wilson would be my husband
and not just some name tattooed on my butt.
If you want my advice, the best thing you can do is nothing.
Just leave her be to think about what she's missing out on.
I totally agree. No candy. No flowers.
And whatever you do, don't call.
I don't see anything wrong with keeping the lines of communication open.
Oh, God, you called, didn't you?
Well, maybe I left a carefully worded message.
You never call somebody who's broken up with you.
It makes you look desperate.
I didn't have any choice. She wouldn't return any of my pages.
Oh, God, I've blown it, haven't I?
That depends. What did you say on your message?
FRASIER: Well, nothing undignified.
Tone of voice is everything, isn't it?
Maybe I should just play them for you.
You have her access code to her answering machine?
Luckily, I set it up with her.
I gave her a code that would be easy to remember: my birthday.
What's so easy about May 7th?
I wouldn't know, Dad. My birthday's in March.
Oh, that's right. The 7th. That's Eddie's.
Okay, okay, here we go.
All right, now, listen and tell me if you think I sound desperate.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
WOMAN [ON MACHINE]: Two quick things: Dinner at L'Escalier is now at 8:30,
and the judge needs to see you at 9:00 tomorrow morning, not 10:00. Bye.
-I didn't get desperate. I got feminine. -FRASIER: Shut up, Niles.
-[MACHINE BEEPS] -Ah, here, huh…
[ON MACHINE] Hello, Sam. It's Frasier. Give me a call if you get a chance. Bye.
You don't sound desperate at all.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
FRASIER: Hi, Sam. I forgot to mention I'll be at the office.
Call me. It's Frasier.
Well, maybe just a whiff of desperation.
-[MACHINE BEEPS] -FRASIER: Hi, I'm at the office now.
-[MACHINE BEEPS] -FRASIER: Still at the office.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
FRASIER: I stepped out to the coffee machine.
Thought I might have missed you.
How quickly a whiff becomes a stench.
-You know, they just get worse after that. -There's more?
Yes, not anymore, though. There.
Messages erased.
Your messages were not the only ones on there.
What about the one from her secretary about the meeting with the judge?
You're right. That did sound important.
-What are you gonna do? -I guess I could just call back
and leave a message saying I inadvertently erased the message
while erasing a bunch of messages I left earlier.
With her secret access code.
Right.
Oh, God, this is humiliating.
Well, Frasier, I hate to appear unsupportive,
but I gotta get to Duke's for the game.
-And we're gonna be late for that movie. -Oh, wait. I forgot my purse.
MARTIN: Ah, don't worry about it, Frasier.
You'll be fine. You'll bounce back.
You're tough.
-And resourceful. -Resilient.
-Optimistic. -Tenacious.
-Conceited. -Different list, Daph.
See you all.
Hard to believe this picture was taken only three days ago.
Look at us, how happy I was.
Now I'll never see her again.
Aren't you overdramatizing? You're bound to run into her now and then.
No, I was talking about me and Lesley Stahl.
Looking at these photos,
I can't help noticing there are very few of you and Sam together.
What are you getting at?
Well, I'm just wondering how much you really feel for this woman.
Don't be ridiculous. I haven't felt this way in ages.
I'm sorry. Guess I was wrong.
It's love, then.
Well, I… I don't know about love.
I mean, we've only been seeing each other for a month.
But you could see yourself falling in love with her.
Possibly.
-Sometime down the line. -Yes. Yes, perhaps.
Well, no wonder you're heartbroken.
You've just lost the only woman you could even possibly,
sometime down the line, perhaps fall in love with.
I'm surprised the country-music people haven't jumped all over this one.
Oh, all right, so I don't rhapsodize about her.
No, you did rhapsodize when she took you to Cigare Volant
and you were seated in a secret VIP room we never knew existed.
What are you suggesting? That I'm so shallow
I was with her for her connections?
I wouldn't put it as harshly as that, but let's face it.
Ever since we were young, you've had a yearning to run with the cool kids,
and it's never worked out for you. Your one day on the football team.
The summer you bought that motorcycle. Although, to be accurate…
It's only a moped if you pedal it, and I never pedaled.
I just wonder if what you're mourning
isn't so much the loss of Sam as the loss of her celebrity lifestyle.
I must admit things never did seem quite right between us.
If it hadn't been for her friends, I probably would've broken it off myself.
Oh, God, shame on me.
Don't punish yourself, Frasier.
At least you're deep enough to realize you're shallow.
Yes.
-Dinner? -Let's.
Mm. Although I've still got to phone her about that message.
Oh, you know what?
Why don't we stop by L'Escalier on our way to dinner?
-You can tell her in person. -Even better.
God, Niles, I can't tell you how helpful this has been.
How can I ever repay you?
You can start by getting me into that VIP room at Cigare Volant.
Where is the entrance?
-Behind the cigarette machine? -That's just a decoy.
-It's through the dry cleaner next door. -No!
-[PEOPLE CHATTERING] -[SILVERWARE CLINKING]
Hello, Sam.
SAM: Frasier.
I know you didn't expect to see me tonight.
Well, no.
After all those messages, I can't say I'm totally surprised.
God, you heard them?
I checked my machine this afternoon.
Frasier, I think we really need to talk.
No, we don't.
I promise you,
I will never call you again.
I've thought about this, and believe me, you made the right decision.
No, no, I didn't.
Excuse me?
Yeah, please, sit down.
I was gonna call you later anyway.
You see, I think I figured out what happened between the two of us.
I panicked.
I was starting to really care about you,
thought we might even have a future, even, and, well, it scared me.
But the way you've pursued me, showing up at the courthouse
and leaving all of those messages, well, and now you're here.
Obviously you feel just as strongly as I do.
It's funny, really,
both of us falling in love so fast
and not realizing the other one felt the same way.
We should be laughing.
[SIGHS]
-Listen, Sam… -SAM: No, no, no.
I'm going to tell you what we're going to be doing this weekend.
We are taking the Concorde to London for a party at Alec Guinness' place.
I'm not so sure… Sir Alec Guinness?
Yes, well, I know it's a long way to go, but…
[GASPS] But Stephen is going to be there,
and he's promised to play some songs from the new one.
Look, I don't know if… Stephen Sondheim?
Yes. You'll never guess who'll be singing with him.
-No, no, please, don't tell me. Please. -Frasier, what… What is it?
You seem upset.
Sam, I can't see you anymore.
What?
Look, I think you're an incredible woman, but I've come to a realization about us.
Well, about me.
And I just don't see any future for us.
I know it sounds strange after the way I was pursuing you, but…
I've been in it for all the wrong reasons.
Like what?
I'm not very proud of this,
but, uh… maybe I was a little dazzled by the circle you travel in.
So you were with me just so you could be around some famous people?
It's not as though I wasn't fond of you as well.
Fond of me? Oh, well, thank you very much.
I understand that you're upset, and I'm just gonna go.
I don't believe this. My friends.
Look, I know it's shallow, and it's something I'm gonna have to work on.
Hi, Sam. How are you?
Lesley! Hello!
It's Frasier Crane. We met this weekend.
-How are you? Hi. -FRASIER: Hi.
What kind of sick bastard are you?
You're right. We're just having a little bit of a spat,
but of course, I don't need to tell you, being the ace reporter that you are.
-Oh, just get out of here right now. -FRASIER: Right. Okay, fine.
If you're in town a while, maybe we could have lunch.
-Get out! -Oh!
What is the matter with me? Lesley?
[MOUTHS] Call me.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night, everybody!