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00:00:02,044 --> 00:00:04,046
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:09,093 --> 00:00:11,637
Well, Karl, I think
you've got two choices.
3
00:00:11,721 --> 00:00:15,683
Either you have the tattoo
removed or you travel the globe
4
00:00:15,767 --> 00:00:18,186
searching for another soul
mate named Fredwina.
5
00:00:21,106 --> 00:00:22,233
We'll be right back.
6
00:00:23,108 --> 00:00:26,736
Hey, I was just going over this offer
you got from the Siren Cruise Line.
7
00:00:26,820 --> 00:00:27,779
They want to know…
8
00:00:27,863 --> 00:00:30,699
Roz, Roz, you know my policy
on commercial endorsements.
9
00:00:30,783 --> 00:00:32,869
Just listen.
One of their celebrity entertainers
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00:00:32,953 --> 00:00:34,996
canceled on a cruise going to Alaska,
11
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and they'll let us both
go for free if you'll fill in.
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And all you have to do
is give a brief lecture…
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Roz, I'm a psychiatrist, not a huckster.
14
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There's still some of us in
this profession who believe in…
15
00:00:45,383 --> 00:00:46,467
Mahogany wainscoting?
16
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Isn't that fabulous?
17
00:00:48,844 --> 00:00:50,554
-And look at those staterooms.
-Wow.
18
00:00:50,638 --> 00:00:53,932
Not to mention the world-class
health spa and the gourmet chefs…
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-It certainly does sound tempting.
-I know.
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I just don't think it's right to trade
on one's good name for a free trip.
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Plenty of people do.
22
00:01:01,441 --> 00:01:04,777
Look, last month, Zubin Mehta
did one and General Schwarzkopf.
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It says right here Gore
Vidal did two of them.
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Gore Vidal?
25
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He hates everything.
26
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But if you feel it would
tarnish your image,
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I'll just go call Vicki and
tell her you decided to pass.
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Vicki? Who's Vicki?
29
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Oh, she books the celebrities.
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I met her at a party once years ago.
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I was surprised she remembered me.
Frasier, we're on in 15 seconds.
32
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Just wait a minute.
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You didn't tell me this was
a favor for a good friend.
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She's not.
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Obviously she means something to you.
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It's an awkward position you've put me.
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-Frasier, I don't care…
-All right, I'll go!
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This is the last I pull your
chestnuts out of the fire.
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[PLAYING MELANCHOLY MELODY]
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[THUNDER RUMBLING]
41
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-Hello, Dr. Crane.
-Hello, Daphne.
42
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You're looking very
comfortable for afternoon.
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Yeah.
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I just love days like this.
45
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Nothing to do, nowhere to go.
46
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Although I have a nagging
suspicion I've forgotten something.
47
00:02:02,633 --> 00:02:03,759
Like getting dressed?
48
00:02:05,469 --> 00:02:08,221
Oh, I could just watch the rain all day.
49
00:02:08,305 --> 00:02:11,016
Of course, when I was a
little girl, I hated the rain.
50
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Stuck inside, couldn't go out and play.
51
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But my mum would always
say, "Enjoy it while you can.
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There'll be no water in hell."
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Of course, that was her
answer for everything.
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"Eat your veggies.
There'll be no Brussels sprouts in hell."
55
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"Have a lie-down.
There'll be no naps in hell."
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Daphne, I am a therapist, uh…
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If you'd like to talk about this.
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About what?
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Nothing.
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I wish I could remember
what it is I forgot to do.
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Oh, well, you know what they say,
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if you can't remember, it
wasn't important anyway.
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-FRASIER: Dad!
-Oh, no.
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You're dripping!
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Yeah. That's what'll happen
when you're standing out in the rain
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waiting for your ride.
67
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Mr. Crane, I am so sorry.
68
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What the hell were you thinking?
69
00:03:04,950 --> 00:03:08,077
Venting these emotions is well and good,
but I've just had these floors waxed.
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I said four o'clock on the
corner of Second and Bell.
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You should've called me.
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I was afraid if I went looking
for a phone, I'd miss you.
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Good point.
If you'd just step on this paper, please.
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That's perfect. Thank you.
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Oh, God, he's wet too.
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No! Ah!
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Damn him. Daphne, get this
canine sprinkler out of here.
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00:03:24,220 --> 00:03:26,389
Now, don't be too cross
with him, Dr. Crane.
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00:03:26,473 --> 00:03:29,101
As me mum used to say,
there'll be no dogs in hell.
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I sincerely doubt that.
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[DOORBELL RINGS]
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-Niles.
-Frasier.
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-Hey, Dad.
-Hi.
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I stopped by to return your cookbook.
I won't be needing it.
85
00:03:38,903 --> 00:03:42,782
Oh, really? I thought you were
preparing an anniversary dinner for Maris.
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00:03:42,866 --> 00:03:46,452
Uh, not this year. Maris has
chosen to fly off to a clinic in the Alps
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00:03:46,536 --> 00:03:48,663
for an experimental
rejuvenation treatment.
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Only one man performs the procedure,
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00:03:50,166 --> 00:03:52,584
and she wants to see
him before he's extradited.
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Well, Niles, I… I'm so sorry.
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It's so depressing.
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Every time it looks like we're
approaching a breakthrough in our therapy,
93
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Maris runs away.
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00:04:01,887 --> 00:04:05,181
I really hoped that spending
time together on our anniversary
95
00:04:05,265 --> 00:04:07,058
would get us over the hump.
96
00:04:07,142 --> 00:04:08,434
There, there, Niles.
97
00:04:08,518 --> 00:04:09,727
I know how difficult it must be
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when someone puts their own selfish
obsession above your emotional needs.
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Here we are.
100
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Why don't you take off that
wet coat and stay for dinner?
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00:04:17,236 --> 00:04:19,488
I'll get us started with a
couple of nice hot toddies
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like we used to make at Duke's.
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Dad, you know, there's a
recipe in this book for a hot toddy.
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It calls for Courvoisier,
105
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chamomile tea and a dash of framboise.
106
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Garnish it with a few rose petals,
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and that's just how Duke used to serve it.
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Make yourself at home.
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Poor Niles.
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-You know, Dad, maybe I should…
-Ah, ah, ah. Stop right there.
111
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I know what you're gonna say.
You wanna call Maris
112
00:04:44,599 --> 00:04:47,184
and talk her into spending
her anniversary with Niles.
113
00:04:47,268 --> 00:04:49,311
I didn't realize I'd become
as predictable as all that.
114
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You have, and if you ask me…
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Stop.
I know exactly what you're going to say.
116
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You're going to say I
should mind my own business
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and keep my big bazoo shut.
118
00:04:56,695 --> 00:04:59,532
I was gonna say "fat yap,"
but you're in the ballpark.
119
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I just think that when two
people are having an argument,
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00:05:02,952 --> 00:05:04,579
their emotions can get the better of them.
121
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A third party can provide perspective.
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They already have a therapist.
If Niles needs any more help,
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00:05:09,376 --> 00:05:12,087
he's got Dr. Jim Beam here,
and he makes house calls.
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NILES: I'm not trying to
make you feel guilty, Maris.
125
00:05:15,841 --> 00:05:17,926
I hope you enjoy your trip to Switzerland.
126
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Actually, I have plans of
my own for our anniversary
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that I'm very excited about. Mm-hmm.
128
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Bon voyage.
129
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That's a very healthy approach, Niles.
130
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What are your plans?
131
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I thought I'd sit on my couch
in my cavernous apartment
132
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rocking back and forth
while hugging my knees.
133
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[THUNDER RUMBLING]
134
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Niles, you're not gonna be
alone on your anniversary.
135
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You'll have me and Fras.
136
00:05:38,615 --> 00:05:41,160
Well, actually, I've agreed to…
137
00:05:41,244 --> 00:05:44,205
To give a lecture on a cruise to Alaska.
138
00:05:44,289 --> 00:05:47,333
But I don't see any reason
why you two shouldn't join me.
139
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That'd be great. Wouldn't it, Niles?
140
00:05:48,918 --> 00:05:50,878
Oh, uh, I don't know.
141
00:05:50,962 --> 00:05:53,507
Oh, come on, Niles.
It'd take your mind off your troubles.
142
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I appreciate your concern, really,
but whisking me off on a cruise?
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I'm not as emotionally
fragile as all that.
144
00:05:59,305 --> 00:06:00,472
As you wish.
145
00:06:00,556 --> 00:06:03,141
Well, Dad, I guess it'll
just be you and me, huh?
146
00:06:03,225 --> 00:06:05,436
-Yeah. When do we leave?
-Fourteenth.
147
00:06:06,187 --> 00:06:07,147
The 14th?
148
00:06:17,616 --> 00:06:19,619
[MARTIN IMITATING FOGHORN]
149
00:06:26,918 --> 00:06:29,336
You know, that just gets funnier
and funnier each time you do it.
150
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[IMITATES FOGHORN]
151
00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:32,466
No, no, I'm wrong.
152
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Hey.
153
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Some ship, huh?
154
00:06:38,847 --> 00:06:39,973
How's your stateroom?
155
00:06:40,057 --> 00:06:43,435
I'd hardly call it a stateroom.
I wouldn't even call it a room,
156
00:06:43,519 --> 00:06:46,819
but I don't know the nautical term
for "broom closet with sconces."
157
00:06:47,315 --> 00:06:48,149
How's yours?
158
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,860
The same. Worse, even.
159
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:53,487
I'm sure you have a better
view from your porthole than I do.
160
00:06:53,571 --> 00:06:54,864
You have a porthole?
161
00:06:55,574 --> 00:06:56,825
What difference does it make?
162
00:06:56,909 --> 00:06:59,119
A cabin's just a place to
shower and change your clothes.
163
00:06:59,203 --> 00:07:00,204
You have a shower?
164
00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:03,290
All I have is a nozzle and a floor drain.
165
00:07:03,374 --> 00:07:06,224
It took me an hour before I
put those two things together.
166
00:07:07,336 --> 00:07:09,547
Now, the buffets come
at a pretty good clip,
167
00:07:09,631 --> 00:07:11,048
so you gotta pace yourself.
168
00:07:11,132 --> 00:07:13,926
And watch out for your
fillers, your breads, your rolls,
169
00:07:14,010 --> 00:07:15,220
your chips and dips.
170
00:07:16,262 --> 00:07:18,682
You've only got so much room.
Don't be a hero.
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Hey, guys.
172
00:07:24,021 --> 00:07:26,523
Hey. Hey, Fras, this is great.
173
00:07:26,607 --> 00:07:30,207
You got one of those cabins where
the whole bathroom turns into a shower?
174
00:07:32,447 --> 00:07:34,449
Yes, Dad. And before you say anything,
175
00:07:34,533 --> 00:07:36,784
I had no idea what Spartan
conditions we were in for.
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It's quite all right.
177
00:07:38,036 --> 00:07:39,996
Once I got over my fear
that I'd be hauled below decks
178
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,458
and manacled to another oarsman,
I actually started to enjoy myself.
179
00:07:44,711 --> 00:07:47,463
I suppose I won't be spending
that much time in my cabin anyway.
180
00:07:47,547 --> 00:07:49,089
I'll be hobnobbing
with fellow celebrities.
181
00:07:49,173 --> 00:07:50,966
Yeah, they got a lot
of big names on board.
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00:07:51,050 --> 00:07:52,343
Did you see the pictures?
183
00:07:53,177 --> 00:07:57,057
"Live and in person, radio
star Dr. Frasier Crane."
184
00:07:57,141 --> 00:07:59,476
-How about that?
-That's a little embarrassing.
185
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:01,394
I don't really care for the word "star."
186
00:08:01,478 --> 00:08:03,521
Considering the caliber of
the other people on board.
187
00:08:03,605 --> 00:08:06,066
"The comedy stylings of Giggles O'Shea."
188
00:08:10,697 --> 00:08:12,991
Oh, yes, you're in stellar company.
189
00:08:14,034 --> 00:08:16,661
Oh, and look, they even
managed to snare a magician:
190
00:08:16,745 --> 00:08:18,454
"The Amazing Lance Gould."
191
00:08:18,538 --> 00:08:20,331
Oh, he's great.
192
00:08:20,415 --> 00:08:22,209
I caught his act in Reno a few years ago.
193
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:24,754
For his finale, he made
his own head disappear.
194
00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:29,091
Now, did the toupee go too, or
did it just hover over the collar?
195
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:32,636
Dear God!
You've booked me on a floating Gong Show.
196
00:08:33,637 --> 00:08:36,140
What happened to Zubin
Mehta and Gore Vidal?
197
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:38,142
I am so sorry, Frasier. I had no idea.
198
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:41,104
I guess they book their A-list
celebrities on the big ships.
199
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,730
MAN [OVER PA]: Your attention, please.
200
00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:44,315
The Taste of Alaska buffet
201
00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:46,526
is now being served on the Lido Deck.
202
00:08:46,610 --> 00:08:49,363
Whoa. That's my cue. You guys coming?
203
00:08:49,447 --> 00:08:51,031
Uh, Dad, we had a big lunch at home.
204
00:08:51,115 --> 00:08:52,909
Rookie mistake. See you at dinner.
205
00:08:55,828 --> 00:08:57,454
Frasier, it's not that bad.
206
00:08:57,538 --> 00:09:00,458
-Look, at least you got top billing.
-Of course I got top billing.
207
00:09:00,542 --> 00:09:02,392
I'm the only one there I've heard of.
208
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,212
Come on, what about him?
209
00:09:04,296 --> 00:09:08,800
"Latin singing sensation Carlos
'The Barracuda' Del Gato"?
210
00:09:08,884 --> 00:09:11,679
Yeah.
Don't you remember him from the '70s?
211
00:09:11,763 --> 00:09:14,056
He invented that big
dance craze, the Barracuda.
212
00:09:14,140 --> 00:09:16,976
Believe it or not, Maris
was a big fan of his.
213
00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:19,645
-No.
-Yes. That was the one dance she could do.
214
00:09:19,729 --> 00:09:21,189
The Hustle was too strenuous.
215
00:09:22,398 --> 00:09:23,775
She had no booty to shake.
216
00:09:26,904 --> 00:09:30,449
But her fetching little under bite
was just perfect for the Barracuda.
217
00:09:36,038 --> 00:09:38,458
Niles. Why is that woman staring at you?
218
00:09:41,211 --> 00:09:44,172
God help me. It's that awful Mimi
Cosgrove from the country club.
219
00:09:44,256 --> 00:09:47,383
Hide me. She's a man-eating
lush who'd go to any lengths to…
220
00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:48,886
-Niles?
-Mimi!
221
00:09:48,970 --> 00:09:51,013
You funny little good-for-nothing Mimi.
222
00:09:51,097 --> 00:09:52,681
Mwah, mwah.
223
00:09:52,765 --> 00:09:54,058
What are you doing here?
224
00:09:54,142 --> 00:09:55,434
Oh, looking for the bar.
225
00:09:56,060 --> 00:09:57,103
Oop, there it is.
226
00:09:58,479 --> 00:09:59,855
Come, let me buy you a cocktail.
227
00:09:59,939 --> 00:10:01,691
-You know, I'm…
-I don't know what it is
228
00:10:01,775 --> 00:10:03,860
about the ocean that makes me so thirsty.
229
00:10:03,944 --> 00:10:05,904
Ooh, have you been working out?
230
00:10:05,988 --> 00:10:07,281
[MOUTHS] Help me.
231
00:10:09,491 --> 00:10:11,826
ROZ: Look, there he is, the Barracuda.
232
00:10:11,910 --> 00:10:13,454
How thrilling.
233
00:10:13,955 --> 00:10:15,956
A fellow headliner on the USS Has-Been.
234
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,000
Oh, shut up.
235
00:10:18,376 --> 00:10:21,253
Come on, Roz, let's go
over my notes for my lecture.
236
00:10:21,337 --> 00:10:22,987
[LATIN ACCENT] Dr. Frasier Crane?
237
00:10:23,673 --> 00:10:25,466
I am Carlos Del Gato.
238
00:10:25,550 --> 00:10:26,885
FRASIER: Ah.
239
00:10:26,969 --> 00:10:30,806
Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you.
This is Roz Doyle.
240
00:10:30,890 --> 00:10:32,391
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
241
00:10:33,350 --> 00:10:35,352
-¿Habla español?
-Uh, not really.
242
00:10:35,436 --> 00:10:37,104
It's no matter.
243
00:10:37,188 --> 00:10:40,983
I'm sure you're schooled in
the international language.
244
00:10:41,067 --> 00:10:43,445
Yes, Roz, say something
amusing in Esperanto.
245
00:10:44,738 --> 00:10:46,823
[LAUGHS]
246
00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:49,951
You know, each night, I
select the most beautiful woman
247
00:10:50,035 --> 00:10:53,705
in my audience and
present to her a red rose.
248
00:10:53,789 --> 00:10:56,375
This means the evening has just begun.
249
00:10:58,002 --> 00:11:03,759
Perhaps, one night, you
will be my especial lady?
250
00:11:04,593 --> 00:11:05,552
Until then…
251
00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:07,763
[GASPS]
252
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:14,727
Okay, you're right.
253
00:11:14,811 --> 00:11:16,648
We're on the voyage of the damned.
254
00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:21,735
-So are you still separated?
-Oh, I'm afraid so.
255
00:11:21,819 --> 00:11:23,195
Oh, you poor thing.
256
00:11:23,279 --> 00:11:26,407
Well, we're… We're, uh…
We're trying. We're in therapy.
257
00:11:26,491 --> 00:11:27,742
Oh, good.
258
00:11:27,826 --> 00:11:30,620
You know how much I've
always thought of you and, uh…
259
00:11:30,704 --> 00:11:32,248
-Maris.
-Yeah, an angel.
260
00:11:33,123 --> 00:11:37,502
If there's any way I could be of
comfort to you, why, you let me know.
261
00:11:37,586 --> 00:11:39,337
Oh, what is that marvelous fragrance?
262
00:11:39,421 --> 00:11:41,966
-Well, that's…
-I beg your pardon, sir.
263
00:11:42,050 --> 00:11:44,010
The lady wishes to send
you this with her compliments.
264
00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:45,136
What lady?
265
00:11:45,220 --> 00:11:47,472
Back there in the
black dress and the veil.
266
00:11:48,723 --> 00:11:50,683
-Maris.
-Oh, and there was one more thing.
267
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:51,768
Yes?
268
00:11:59,527 --> 00:12:00,903
I'm really very sorry, sir,
269
00:12:00,987 --> 00:12:03,322
but she gave me the
biggest tip I've ever seen.
270
00:12:03,406 --> 00:12:07,286
I'm sure you can convince Maris
this is all completely innocent.
271
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:10,247
If not, I'm in cabin 712.
272
00:12:12,249 --> 00:12:13,666
Niles, Niles, what happened?
273
00:12:13,750 --> 00:12:15,501
Was that Maris I saw running out of here?
274
00:12:15,585 --> 00:12:17,922
Yes. She saw Mimi pawing
me and assumed the worst.
275
00:12:18,006 --> 00:12:20,174
I've gotta go speak to her.
How upset did she look?
276
00:12:20,258 --> 00:12:21,634
I couldn't see past the outfit.
277
00:12:21,718 --> 00:12:23,719
Who wears a black dress
and a veil on a cruise?
278
00:12:23,803 --> 00:12:25,596
The woman has virtually no pigmentation.
279
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:28,433
Three minutes in the sun,
she'd sear like an ahi tuna.
280
00:12:31,603 --> 00:12:34,981
She's supposed to be in Switzerland.
What's she doing here?
281
00:12:35,065 --> 00:12:36,608
Niles, Niles, I'm sorry.
282
00:12:36,692 --> 00:12:39,945
I'm afraid that this
may be partly my fault.
283
00:12:40,029 --> 00:12:43,699
You see, I left a message on her
machine saying how upset you were
284
00:12:43,783 --> 00:12:47,037
and that it might be fun if
she could join us on the cruise.
285
00:12:47,662 --> 00:12:49,830
You invited her to
come and didn't tell me?
286
00:12:49,914 --> 00:12:53,714
-I thought it would be a nice surprise.
-Oh, well, it worked out perfectly.
287
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:58,215
She's probably on the phone right now
arranging to fly home from the next port.
288
00:12:58,299 --> 00:13:00,759
Excuse me, excuse me.
The lady who sent me the champagne,
289
00:13:00,843 --> 00:13:02,427
do you know which stateroom she's in?
290
00:13:02,511 --> 00:13:03,345
No, sir.
291
00:13:03,429 --> 00:13:05,879
-But she did ask me to give you a message.
-Yes?
292
00:13:13,607 --> 00:13:16,318
Just out of curiosity, how
much are these running her?
293
00:13:19,112 --> 00:13:20,948
You're on in 20 minutes.
294
00:13:21,449 --> 00:13:22,699
How's your speech coming?
295
00:13:23,409 --> 00:13:26,109
It's hard to concentrate.
I'm so concerned about Niles.
296
00:13:26,537 --> 00:13:28,455
I like this opening joke you wrote.
297
00:13:28,539 --> 00:13:29,999
It's very funny.
298
00:13:30,083 --> 00:13:32,502
Thank you. I can't take all the credit.
299
00:13:32,586 --> 00:13:35,130
I had a patty melt with
Giggles before his show.
300
00:13:39,593 --> 00:13:40,552
Oh, Niles.
301
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:45,058
I can't tell you again how
sorry I am for meddling.
302
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:47,143
How did it go with Maris?
303
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:51,355
Terribly. This is, without a doubt,
the most depressing night of my life.
304
00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:52,982
[ROZ LAUGHING]
305
00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:57,363
That is so fun… I'm sorry.
306
00:13:59,448 --> 00:14:01,241
I spent hours looking for her.
307
00:14:01,325 --> 00:14:03,201
Then I remembered her
fondness for the Barracuda.
308
00:14:03,285 --> 00:14:06,038
I ran down to the lounge and
found that Latin cheeseball
309
00:14:06,122 --> 00:14:08,749
crooning his ghastly song directly to her.
310
00:14:08,833 --> 00:14:10,418
I started to approach.
311
00:14:10,502 --> 00:14:11,461
Then a waiter came,
312
00:14:11,545 --> 00:14:15,048
and by the time I got the champagne
out of my eyes, she'd disappeared.
313
00:14:16,508 --> 00:14:17,843
I waited after the show.
314
00:14:18,552 --> 00:14:19,553
She didn't come out.
315
00:14:20,429 --> 00:14:21,972
Neither did Del Gato.
316
00:14:22,056 --> 00:14:23,766
Niles, what are you implying?
317
00:14:23,850 --> 00:14:25,559
You know Maris' taste for revenge.
318
00:14:25,643 --> 00:14:27,269
If she thinks I'm having
an affair with Mimi,
319
00:14:27,353 --> 00:14:29,938
then she's going to
try to punish me in kind.
320
00:14:30,022 --> 00:14:31,523
Wow.
321
00:14:31,607 --> 00:14:35,028
Do you really think she's
planning to do the Barracuda?
322
00:14:39,491 --> 00:14:43,411
Niles… don't jump to conclusions.
323
00:14:43,495 --> 00:14:45,038
It's exactly what Maris did.
324
00:14:45,747 --> 00:14:48,876
Says a lot about our marriage, doesn't it?
No trust on either side.
325
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,795
What hope is there for us?
326
00:14:50,879 --> 00:14:54,215
-Is there anything I can do?
-No, you've done enough.
327
00:14:55,341 --> 00:14:57,051
I'm just going to take a walk.
328
00:14:58,052 --> 00:14:59,013
Oh, God.
329
00:15:00,014 --> 00:15:01,640
Oh, I feel so guilty.
330
00:15:02,683 --> 00:15:07,146
When will I learn to stop
interfering in other people's affairs?
331
00:15:08,272 --> 00:15:10,772
I'd better go talk to
Maris, see if I can fix this.
332
00:15:11,693 --> 00:15:12,985
You're gonna butt in again?
333
00:15:13,069 --> 00:15:15,169
I don't see what
business that is of yours.
334
00:15:15,655 --> 00:15:17,365
-There's your dad.
-Oh, no, oh, no.
335
00:15:17,449 --> 00:15:19,749
If he finds out, I'll
never hear the end of it.
336
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:22,954
Boy, that Taste of
Alaska spread was a bust.
337
00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,708
Wanna know what caribou meat tastes like?
338
00:15:27,043 --> 00:15:28,002
Not chicken.
339
00:15:30,796 --> 00:15:31,755
Where's Niles?
340
00:15:31,839 --> 00:15:33,633
-He's out for a walk.
-Oh.
341
00:15:34,175 --> 00:15:36,303
Oh, I may as well tell
you the whole thing.
342
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:38,596
Maris is on board.
343
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,599
She and Niles had a horrible fight,
344
00:15:41,683 --> 00:15:44,853
and their marriage is in worse
shape than it's ever been before,
345
00:15:44,937 --> 00:15:46,563
and no need telling you how she got here.
346
00:15:46,647 --> 00:15:47,982
I know, I know.
347
00:15:48,066 --> 00:15:50,443
What was I thinking, inviting
her to come on the cruise?
348
00:15:50,527 --> 00:15:51,986
You invited Maris?
349
00:15:52,070 --> 00:15:55,531
Yeah. Well, Niles was so upset
about being alone on their anniversary,
350
00:15:55,615 --> 00:15:56,991
it seemed like a good idea.
351
00:15:57,992 --> 00:15:58,909
Smart, huh?
352
00:15:58,993 --> 00:16:00,871
I give you all this guff about butting in,
353
00:16:00,955 --> 00:16:03,457
and then I turn around and
do the same damn thing.
354
00:16:03,541 --> 00:16:05,918
Well, Dad, don't be too hard on yourself.
355
00:16:08,003 --> 00:16:09,603
-ROZ: Frasier?
-Oh, all right.
356
00:16:11,298 --> 00:16:12,383
I invited Maris too.
357
00:16:13,093 --> 00:16:14,802
-You did?
-Yeah.
358
00:16:14,886 --> 00:16:16,721
I told you to keep your big bazoo shut.
359
00:16:16,805 --> 00:16:18,389
Oh, you're one to talk.
360
00:16:18,473 --> 00:16:19,849
So, what are we gonna do now?
361
00:16:19,933 --> 00:16:21,851
Nothing. Nothing at all.
362
00:16:21,935 --> 00:16:23,603
Let them resolve their own differences.
363
00:16:23,687 --> 00:16:27,441
-Stay on the sidelines, where we belong.
-All right. Ooh. Better get going.
364
00:16:27,525 --> 00:16:29,318
I'm gonna miss the
first seating for dinner.
365
00:16:29,402 --> 00:16:31,028
Dad, my lecture's in 15 minutes.
366
00:16:31,112 --> 00:16:33,655
Oh, jeez, well, I guess
I can't do everything.
367
00:16:33,739 --> 00:16:35,866
Tell me how it went
at the midnight buffet.
368
00:16:39,204 --> 00:16:40,872
I guess we better head
over to your lecture.
369
00:16:40,956 --> 00:16:43,417
Right. First, I'm gonna go talk to Maris.
370
00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:45,126
You just said…
371
00:16:45,210 --> 00:16:46,711
Forget what I said. You're coming too.
372
00:16:46,795 --> 00:16:48,296
Why me? I don't know her.
373
00:16:48,380 --> 00:16:50,966
-You can vouch for Niles' innocence.
-Oh, all right.
374
00:16:51,050 --> 00:16:52,676
I'm kind of curious to meet her.
375
00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:55,054
You know, in all these years,
I've never actually seen her face?
376
00:16:55,138 --> 00:16:58,638
I haven't seen her most recent
one, so this will be new for both of us.
377
00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:02,687
All right, now listen,
let me do all the talking.
378
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:06,441
Oh, if it looks like she has an
orange Abyssinian on her head,
379
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:08,861
don't stare, that's a wiglet.
380
00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:14,450
All through. Have a nice evening.
381
00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:16,827
Damn, she must not be here.
382
00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,579
What are you doing? You can't go in.
383
00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:19,872
I just wanna see the room.
384
00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:21,832
You just can't barge into
someone else's room…
385
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:23,876
[GASPS] My God.
386
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,629
Is that a grand piano?
387
00:17:27,757 --> 00:17:29,091
Frasier, look.
388
00:17:30,343 --> 00:17:31,927
The Barracuda's calling card.
389
00:17:32,637 --> 00:17:34,638
That means that he's
chosen Maris to be his…
390
00:17:34,722 --> 00:17:36,515
BOTH: Especial lady.
391
00:17:37,850 --> 00:17:39,268
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
392
00:17:39,352 --> 00:17:40,437
Shh, she's coming.
393
00:17:42,564 --> 00:17:43,648
Why are we hiding?
394
00:17:43,732 --> 00:17:45,066
You came here to talk to her.
395
00:17:45,150 --> 00:17:46,818
It's impossible to
extol the virtues of trust
396
00:17:46,902 --> 00:17:48,570
to someone whose room you've broken into.
397
00:17:48,654 --> 00:17:50,354
-[DOOR OPENS]
-Shh, she's coming.
398
00:17:52,450 --> 00:17:53,742
FRASIER: Oh, dear God.
399
00:17:53,826 --> 00:17:55,995
The shower is bigger than my entire cabin.
400
00:17:56,079 --> 00:17:57,080
ROZ: Shut up.
401
00:18:00,249 --> 00:18:01,918
-Martin.
-[YELLS]
402
00:18:04,630 --> 00:18:05,672
What are you doing here?
403
00:18:05,756 --> 00:18:07,007
We came to talk to Maris.
404
00:18:07,091 --> 00:18:08,967
-What are you doing here?
-The same as you.
405
00:18:09,051 --> 00:18:10,844
Then why did you come in the bathroom?
406
00:18:10,928 --> 00:18:13,097
-Well, what do you think?
-FRASIER: Oh…
407
00:18:14,598 --> 00:18:16,976
-Oh, all right.
-Let's get the hell out of here.
408
00:18:17,060 --> 00:18:18,769
[DOOR OPENS]
409
00:18:18,853 --> 00:18:20,105
It's Maris.
410
00:18:21,106 --> 00:18:23,566
What's the big deal?
Why don't we just go out and talk to her?
411
00:18:23,650 --> 00:18:25,818
We can't go out there.
She may not be alone.
412
00:18:25,902 --> 00:18:27,570
-Remember the rose?
-Oh, God.
413
00:18:28,321 --> 00:18:29,198
Yes.
414
00:18:30,199 --> 00:18:31,575
Oh. I don't see her.
415
00:18:31,659 --> 00:18:32,952
Maybe she went back out.
416
00:18:33,494 --> 00:18:36,414
Oh, wait, I see her coat on a hat rack.
417
00:18:38,749 --> 00:18:39,750
Look closer.
418
00:18:41,753 --> 00:18:43,046
Is the hat rack moving?
419
00:18:45,048 --> 00:18:46,383
Oh, my God.
420
00:18:47,050 --> 00:18:48,176
What's she doing?
421
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:50,637
-Well, she seems to be alone.
-That's good.
422
00:18:50,721 --> 00:18:52,639
She's pouring champagne, two glasses.
423
00:18:52,723 --> 00:18:54,099
Oh, that's bad.
424
00:18:54,183 --> 00:18:55,476
Now she's putting on music.
425
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,311
[OVER SPEAKERS]
♪ Do, do, do the Barracuda… ♪
426
00:18:57,395 --> 00:18:59,396
["THE BARRACUDA" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
427
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,441
Oh. Oh, that's bad.
428
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,359
On so many levels.
429
00:19:03,985 --> 00:19:05,110
She's coming this way.
430
00:19:05,194 --> 00:19:07,197
[MARTIN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
431
00:19:08,866 --> 00:19:10,284
FRASIER: Shh. Shh.
432
00:19:11,076 --> 00:19:15,830
♪ The Turks forget their food-a,
the monks neglect their Gouda… ♪
433
00:19:15,914 --> 00:19:17,415
♪ Some girls… ♪
434
00:19:17,499 --> 00:19:19,544
[MARIS GARGLING]
435
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,630
[MARIS SPITTING]
436
00:19:22,714 --> 00:19:24,256
[WATER RUNS]
437
00:19:24,340 --> 00:19:26,134
♪ Do, do, do the Barracuda… ♪
438
00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:28,219
[DOOR CLOSES]
439
00:19:28,303 --> 00:19:29,471
She's gone.
440
00:19:30,305 --> 00:19:31,973
How are we gonna get out of here?
441
00:19:32,057 --> 00:19:33,016
I have no idea.
442
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:35,394
I've got about three minutes
before I have to be downstairs,
443
00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:37,562
or 200 people are going
to be sorely disappointed.
444
00:19:37,646 --> 00:19:39,564
Two hundred people? Where'd you hear that?
445
00:19:39,648 --> 00:19:41,648
They told me that was the room capacity.
446
00:19:42,902 --> 00:19:44,780
Oh! Oh, come on.
447
00:19:45,363 --> 00:19:47,198
Giggles had to add a show.
448
00:19:47,282 --> 00:19:49,033
Shh. She's gonna hear us.
449
00:19:49,117 --> 00:19:50,201
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
450
00:19:50,285 --> 00:19:52,537
-It's the Barracuda.
-Who's the Barracuda?
451
00:19:52,621 --> 00:19:54,831
He's a sleazy Latin lounge
singer Maris is gonna sleep with
452
00:19:54,915 --> 00:19:56,667
to get back at Niles for kissing Mimi.
453
00:19:56,751 --> 00:19:58,585
-Who's Mimi?
-A horny society boozer,
454
00:19:58,669 --> 00:20:00,295
and the Mrs. O'Leary's
cow of our predicament.
455
00:20:00,379 --> 00:20:01,422
Who's Mrs. O'Leary?
456
00:20:01,506 --> 00:20:04,091
A woman in Chicago who…
Oh, I don't have the time.
457
00:20:05,718 --> 00:20:07,052
The important thing is to stop Maris
458
00:20:07,136 --> 00:20:09,305
before she does something to
damage her relationship forever.
459
00:20:09,389 --> 00:20:10,932
We cannot go out there now.
460
00:20:11,016 --> 00:20:12,726
We don't wanna walk in on the two of them.
461
00:20:12,810 --> 00:20:15,103
I don't wanna see that.
I just ate caribou.
462
00:20:19,399 --> 00:20:20,442
Oh, very well.
463
00:20:21,027 --> 00:20:23,320
It seems I'm the only one who
cares about this relationship.
464
00:20:23,404 --> 00:20:24,781
I will go and do it.
465
00:20:25,824 --> 00:20:26,741
[BOTH YELL]
466
00:20:30,286 --> 00:20:33,374
Maris, what a lovely bathroom! [YELLS]
467
00:20:35,292 --> 00:20:36,334
What are you doing here?
468
00:20:36,418 --> 00:20:39,045
We came to convince Maris there was
nothing going on between you and Mimi.
469
00:20:39,129 --> 00:20:40,422
What are you doing here?
470
00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:43,091
Maris and I ran into each
other, and we had a long talk,
471
00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:45,678
and she invited me here
for a glass of champagne.
472
00:20:45,762 --> 00:20:47,305
Oh, that's great, Niles.
473
00:20:47,389 --> 00:20:49,989
It might mar the mood if
she finds you spying on her.
474
00:20:50,809 --> 00:20:53,019
-Did you use that mouthwash?
-No, Maris did.
475
00:20:53,103 --> 00:20:54,271
My God.
476
00:20:54,938 --> 00:20:57,038
She's in the mood for more than champagne.
477
00:20:58,943 --> 00:21:00,611
You've got to leave here right now.
478
00:21:00,695 --> 00:21:02,279
Give me time to see
her out to the balcony.
479
00:21:02,363 --> 00:21:03,447
A balcony?
480
00:21:08,786 --> 00:21:11,831
Just count to ten and then
scram so Maris and I can celebrate
481
00:21:11,915 --> 00:21:14,001
the way a man and his wife were meant to.
482
00:21:14,751 --> 00:21:15,586
Oh, damn.
483
00:21:16,128 --> 00:21:17,420
She started without me.
484
00:21:17,504 --> 00:21:19,423
-MARTIN: Ew.
-[FRASIER GROANS]
485
00:21:21,008 --> 00:21:22,719
Drinking the champagne.
486
00:21:23,344 --> 00:21:24,554
-Ah.
-Okay.
487
00:21:30,393 --> 00:21:33,187
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
488
00:21:33,271 --> 00:21:35,881
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
489
00:21:35,965 --> 00:21:38,235
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
490
00:21:38,319 --> 00:21:40,028
Quite stylish.
491
00:21:40,112 --> 00:21:42,635
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
492
00:21:42,719 --> 00:21:45,242
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
493
00:21:45,326 --> 00:21:47,328
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
494
00:21:47,412 --> 00:21:48,996
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
495
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:52,584
♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
496
00:21:54,127 --> 00:21:55,712
♪ They're callin' again ♪
497
00:21:57,047 --> 00:21:59,854
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
498
00:21:59,938 --> 00:22:01,677
What is a boy to do?
499
00:22:04,013 --> 00:22:05,097
Thank you!