[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-Hey, how you doing, Doc? The usual? -Please.
I'll have my usual too.
-Uh, and that would be… -Oh.
Come on. I come in here every day. You must remember.
-Uh… -My usual is…
A half-caf…
Cappuccino…
With a light dusting of…
-Nutmeg. -Cinnamon.
Got it.
-God, that's infuriating. -Oh.
Well, I come here every bit as often as you do.
Don't take it to heart, Niles.
This person just happens to remember me best.
The next person might just as easily…
Oh, my God. You're Frasier Crane.
Could I bother you for an autograph?
No, you can't. It's never a bother.
-I love your show. -Oh, thank you.
I just think you're like the smartest guy on the face of the earth.
Well, one does hear tales of a certain wise man in Tibet,
but why split hairs?
-There you are. -Thanks.
-Where was I? -You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.
Enough already. You've been yapping about this all morning.
Well, it's a stupid rule, and it's always we foreigners who suffer for it.
Take another drive on the wrong side of the road today, did we?
No.
It's about my friend Xena.
-Oh, you don't want to hear about it. -NILES: Oh. Hey, Dad.
Uh, Xena? Isn't she the Greek woman?
DAPHNE: Yeah. We've been planning a trip together.
You see, her mother's taking a luxury cruise,
and her ship will be docked in Mazatlán for a week.
She's invited us down to join her,
only I can't go, because me bloody passport's expired.
Well, don't give up hope.
One way or another, we'll get you across that border.
If I have to, I'll snuggle you under an old blanket.
Don't you mean "smuggle"?
I'm using code language. You can't be too careful.
-There you go, Doc. -Thank you.
-Anything for you, ma'am? -Oh, thanks. I've already ordered.
-Oh, I'm sorry. You had the, uh… -Absentminded waiter.
I'll get it myself.
Oh. Roz called. She wanted me to remind you
about your meeting with the station manager.
Ah, yes, that.
He probably wants to discuss my 1,000th radio broadcast.
It's coming up next week.
-You've done a thousand shows? -FRASIER: Yes. Yes.
If I know the station manager, he'll want to mark the occasion
with some sort of gaudy celebration: press, parties, God knows what.
I've never been the kind to go in for that sort of self-congratulatory hoopla.
The work is the thing for me.
But, still, a thousand shows, that's quite an achievement.
Well, I suppose.
-Who'd have thought, huh? -Not me, that's for damn sure.
Yeah, those first two weeks, "Pee-yew! Open a window!"
All right, Dad.
-Hey, morning, Roz. -Morning, Bulldog.
[GASPS] Oh! My gosh.
Look what Frasier got for me. He's so cute.
"Dear Roz, a huggy bear for the mom-to-be.
Love, Bulldog"?
I, uh, guess I should have known you'd think it was from Frasier.
-Oh, I'm so sorry, Bulldog. -No, no, it's okay.
I know I'm not the warmest guy in the world,
but when it comes to kids, I get kind of, well, you know…
Oh, Bulldog, come here.
Come here.
Oh…
Oh, you're gonna make a good mother, Roz.
Thank you, Bulldog. That's so sweet.
Bulldog?
-Huh? -Oh, get off me!
What?
You just wanted to hug me 'cause my breasts are getting bigger.
Oh, no, I was just trying to get close enough to feel a little kick.
-Ow! -Get out!
Pervert!
Morning, Roz. I got you one of those little muffins that you love.
You're not getting a hug.
Well, I see those mood swings have leveled off nicely.
I'll just run upstairs and have that meeting with Greg in his office.
Oh, wait, it's been canceled.
He wanted to talk to you about your thousandth show,
but I ran into him and I handled it.
All right, let me have it.
What kind of a circus am I in for?
I suppose a garish outdoor rally
like the one they gave for Bob and Nipsy over at KTLK, hmm?
I told them just what you said,
about how the work is its own reward, so you're off the hook.
-They're not doing anything? -Nope.
Well.
Well done, Roz. That's a relief.
Although, I, uh…
I'm not sure I'm being quite fair to you.
You see, I did hear that after that rally,
Bob and Nipsy's ratings went up 30%.
Their producer got a handsome raise.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, and you, with the little one coming and…
Well, it's too late now.
Right. Can't be helped.
Best to just leave it alone.
Still…
There is the benefit to the station.
What's good for KACL is good for all of us, isn't it?
Yeah, that's true.
Well, I suppose you could just give Greg a call and tell him I'd be willing,
well, for your sake and the station's,
to submit to a small, tasteful, uh
low-key public rally.
DAPHNE: I just want to renew my passport!
No! I'm a resident alien here from England.
You know, the country that used to own you people?
You'll go right to the head of the line now.
I can't wait two weeks.
My friend Xena's flying down to meet her mum's ship Sunday.
Don't you put me on hold again.
I'll hang up. I mean it.
I showed him.
Well. It's official.
My thousandth show is now an event.
What's going on?
FRASIER: Oh, nothing short of a media circus
with you-know-who in the center ring.
They're planning a promotional blitzkrieg capped off by a public rally in my honor
at the foot of the Space Needle.
Wow. That's great. You must be thrilled.
Well, of course I'm flattered.
I'm just a little bit embarrassed, Dad.
I'd have been content with a pat on the back and an ice-cream cake.
Oh, Dad, they've asked if you might say a few words at the rally.
You don't have to if it makes you nervous.
Oh. No problem.
Yeah, I can't tell you how many retirement dinners I've spoken at.
I think I've still got my old joke book,
1,001 Sidesplitters, Rib-Ticklers and Thigh-Slappers.
I'm sure you're a veritable chiropractor of mirth, but…
[PHONE RINGING]
…I think what they're looking for is something just a bit more personal.
Hello?
All right. Roz, Roz, slow down.
Oh, good Lord. The mayor?
Well, has Frasier fever swept all the way to city hall? I…
Well…
All right, Roz, I'll see you tomorrow.
-The mayor's going to be there? -Yes. And not just be there.
He's going to present me with a key to the city,
and afterwards he's going to proclaim it Frasier Crane Day in Seattle.
Way to go, kid.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh! Who can this be?
Some mechanic from the Vatican with my Popemobile?
-Niles. -Frasier, dinner's on me.
-I got some very good news today. -Oh.
What a coincidence. Your brother just got some good news too.
Not so good as mine, I suspect.
But first of all, I have to apologize for being so snippy this morning.
I've been feeling a bit eclipsed lately,
but all that vanished when I reached my office,
for what was waiting on my desk but a gift from the Self-Esteem Fairy?
-The American Journal of Psychiatry. -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I refer you to the "Letters" page, third one down.
"Dear sirs, Dr. Egmont Sanderling's recent article on trichotillomania
"contained several errors."
"He would do well to read the groundbreaking work"
"on the subject published by, among others,"
Dr. Alan Caldwell, Dr. Milo Lauderstien…"
-Skip to the end. -[MURMURING]
Ah. "Dr. Geraldine Fennelly and Dr. Niles Crane"!
-Well! -Oh, ho, ho!
Not too shabby, eh?
-That was quite an accolade, Niles. -DAPHNE: Yes!
I had no idea you were such a well-known expert on the… The…
The thing that the letter mentioned.
And the way they saved you for last so you really stand out.
Well, it's…
Nothing to kick away the clouds like a heady sip from the goblet of fame.
Which reminds me, I told Jean Claude
to start my victory-martini shaking at precisely eight o'clock.
Off we go, then. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, wait. You had some news yourself. Do tell.
Oh, well, let's just wait for that martini, shall we?
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Happy Frasier Crane Day.
Or is it "Merry Frasier Crane Day"? I can never remember.
Very amusing.
I'll have a half-caf cappuccino.
Sorry I'm late. I stopped halfway to listen to a jolly band
of Frasier Crane Day carolers.
I tried to join in on the "12 Days of Frasier," but, uh…
Forgot the words around day seven. How does it go again?
-I believe it's "Seven snobs a-sniping." -Oh.
You just snipe away.
I take your jealousy as the compliment that it is.
Oh, now, if I indulge in a little affectionate joshing,
it doesn't mean I'm jealous.
I'm nothing but happy for you.
Oh, thank you, Niles.
You know, I'm just a touch skittish today.
All this fuss over me.
Oh, say, is it possible to get these two to go?
To go? We're not due at the Space Needle for an hour.
Yes, well, I thought a walk might do us some good.
Get a little exercise, and maybe I can stroll away my jitters.
Oh, all right. I could use the fresh air.
I'm feeling a tad sluggish.
-Oh, up late last night? -Well, I'm afraid so.
As usual, I left it to the last minute to write all my Frasier Crane Day cards.
[TROLLY BELL RINGS]
What a lovely day.
I'm so glad we decided to walk.
I feel calmer already.
Hey, Doc, way to go.
Oh. [CHUCKLES] I'm listening.
I just hope Dad doesn't get too nervous about his speech today.
I've been giving him little tips all week.
Oh, really? As Daphne tells it, you wrote the whole thing for him.
Oh, I did no such thing.
I added a bon mot or two, tidied up the language,
removed any questionable material.
-There isn't a word of his left, is there? -Not a comma.
Oh. I'm listening!
Here's a tip for you. The ones with cameras are tourists.
They have no idea who you are, much less why you're listening.
Oh, Niles, don't be so churlish.
The man clearly waved at me first.
-He didn't wave at you. -He certainly did.
-He was probably waving… -I don't see why…
He was waving for a cab to get away from the scary listening man.
[FRASIER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
FRASIER: Oh, I love this place.
Here you can feel the pulse of the city.
You know what I think when I see all these people here bustling about?
"Low turnout over at Frasier Crane Day"?
No.
I think that they're the reason I love this city.
Stop waving.
What? There's nothing wrong with being friendly.
Well, there is a difference between being friendly
and making a public spectacle of yourself.
[YELLS]
Did you see that? That man tried to assault me with a fish!
Good Lord, Niles, get a grip.
For God's sake, you become hysterical over the littlest things.
[GASPS] My God! My suede shoes!
You've spilled latte all over them! They're ruined!
I'm sorry.
And it was a half-caf cappuccino!
Why can no one remember that?
FRASIER: Well, I'll just have to replace them.
I'll look foolish otherwise.
Never in my life have I heard such caterwauling over a pair of shoes.
I'll have you know I spent a bundle on them.
-They're Joan & David. -You named them?
Oh, shut up.
Well, these are quite handsome, even if they are just a bit snug.
You can always go back. I think there's a pair in there you didn't try on.
Niles, we weren't in there that long.
My God. The rally's about to start.
Give me your phone. I'll call Roz.
-There you go. -Thank you.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
ROZ: Hello?
Frasier, do you know what time it is?
Where the hell are you?
We're on the air in two minutes.
I'm sorry. I was involved in a small accident.
I'm fine.
Just start without me. We'll take a cab.
-Oh. We'll have better luck at the corner. -FRASIER: Right.
Oh, Niles, wait.
Too many fans that way. I'll be mobbed.
We're better off cutting over one block through that alley.
Frasier's running late, so I've got to use you first, okay, Martin?
Oh, oh, yeah, sure, okay.
Jeez, I was hoping for a little more time.
I haven't even looked at the stuff Frasier wrote for me.
ROZ: Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome also to our radio listeners.
I'm Roz Doyle, and I'd like to thank you all
for helping us congratulate Dr. Frasier Crane!
[CROWD CHEERING]
ROZ: We've got a full program for you today…
Stop worrying. Dr. Crane's a very good writer.
Well, look at this. I'm gonna die up there with this crap.
Unfortunately, our guest of honor has been detained,
but we do have the next best thing: his dad, Martin Crane.
Thanks, Roz.
Good afternoon.
"Twenty-two years ago, my son Frasier came to me
"and asked if I would put him through medical school."
"I agreed to pay for it"
"but remarked, 'I should have my head examined.' "
"Frasier replied, 'Give me eight years and I'll do it for you.' "
"It was a hard eight years for Frasier,"
"but as someone once quipped,"
'A good psychiatrist never shrinks from a challenge.' "
[CROWD GROANING]
Oh, jeez.
Oh, for God's sake, Niles, will you come out of there?
NILES: Our mugger specifically instructed us to wait for five minutes.
Yes, if he'd intended us to time it exactly,
he wouldn't have taken our watches.
All right, all right, calm down.
I see you're new to this whole mugging thing.
I just can't believe I'm missing my own rally. Come on.
These shoes are killing me.
They feel like the work of a skilled Chinese foot binder.
Niles, give me your phone.
I'll have Roz send us a car.
My phone? What do you think the mugger was reaching into my breast pocket for?
The one consolation is he jabbed himself on my emergency sewing kit.
Niles, the pay phone.
[BUSKER PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC]
It's not much use to us unless we can find a quarter.
[COIN CLINKS]
Niles, look.
You cannot be serious.
-You want to rob that poor old man? -We'll pay him back later.
Frasier, he's blind.
I know. It's the first break we've had today.
I'll distract him.
-Good afternoon. [CHUCKLES] -[CONTINUES PLAYING]
Hello.
Sounding lovely.
Stop! Thief!
Dear God! Run!
BULLOG: I'd like to thank Frasier Crane for his friendship.
-Excuse me. Mayor Rice? -Uh, yes.
I have a small bone to pick with you.
I can't say I care for the way your city treats us poor aliens.
Uh, you're an alien?
DAPHNE: Yes. Daphne Moon.
You see, my friend Xena and I… She's an alien too.
…we're trying to get down to Mazatlán to rendezvous with her mother's ship.
Her mother ship?
Yes, and from what I hear, it's quite spectacular.
I'm sure it is.
Why don't you go with these two gentlemen?
I'm sure they can take care of you.
Well, thank you very much.
-Hello. -GUARD: Hi.
-DAPHNE: Do you two work for the mayor? -Of course.
I suppose I should know that already. You see, I'm a bit psychic.
Oh, ow, ow, ow!
Stop, Niles! Stop, Niles. [GROANS]
Oh, I can't go on any longer.
My feet are killing me.
We lost them.
Most of them dropped out after the first corner,
but that short one with the pigtails was a regular gazelle.
FRASIER: Yes!
Look!
It's even farther away than it was before.
Frasier, the monorail.
-It goes to the Space Needle. -Let's go!
WOMAN [OVER PA]: Welcome to the Seattle Monorail.
Do you think anyone saw us sneaking on?
No, I think we're all right.
I hate to say it, but it was sort of exciting
flouting the law like that.
Gives you some idea of why outlaws have always been such romantic figures.
Perhaps you might have cut a more dashing figure
had you vaulted over the turnstile rather than crawling underneath it.
I'm surprised the trains are even running on Frasier Crane Day.
Yes, well, with any luck,
we'll still catch the last 20 minutes of the rally.
Though how I'll explain my lateness, I have no idea.
Certainly can't tell them about the fish, the little girls.
I'll have to make something up, I suppose. Any suggestions?
The train stopped.
-That's not very original. -No, Frasier, the train stopped.
BULLDOG: …counsels people to be open about it…
Good Lord, what's going on?
Excuse me, what's happening?
There's an electrical problem ahead. We're going back to Westlake.
What? But those people are waiting for me.
Oh, they're so close.
I guess it just isn't your day.
But it is my day.
Don't panic, Frasier.
Oh… Don't panic?
Yes, why should I have any reason to panic?
My God, I'm only gonna miss a celebration in my own honor,
making me a laughingstock forever.
And why? Because you spilled coffee on my shoes.
You're blaming me?
If you had the gripping ability
every species above the tree sloth was born with…
Perhaps you should think back on the 45 minutes
you and your ego spent in that shoe store trying on every pair of shoes,
including the ones the manager was wearing.
-Are you calling me vain? -If the Joan & David fits!
-For God's sake. -Oh! Oh!
-The moment you left the cradle… -I'm amazed a head that size fits in…
I don't even know why I'm yelling at you.
I guess I'm just trying to blame you because I don't want to face the truth.
I'm a big fat phony.
I wanted my day.
I wanted hoopla and fuss.
I practically planned the whole thing myself.
You did?
Yes.
Says a lot about me as a psychiatrist, doesn't it?
I'm a small man.
Well, what does it say about me that I was happy seeing you miss your day?
-You were? -Of course.
I've been jealous of you all week.
I'm a tiny man.
Next to me, you're a giant.
-I stare up at your ankles. -I'd need a stepladder just to…
Oh, let's not do this.
You shouldn't feel guilty, Frasier.
Everyone deserves a fuss.
You above all.
You've helped a lot of people.
They deserve a chance to thank you for it.
Thank you, Niles.
ROZ [OVER MICROPHONE]: Dr. Crane is on his way.
He should be here any minute.
There it goes.
Goodbye, fuss.
Goodbye, day.
I hesitate to say this, but you still have time…
Stop it. Don't you dare get my hopes up.
That ship has sailed.
That fat lady has…
-Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! -Taxi! Taxi! Tax…
Oh, damn.
I give up.
Well, I don't. This is your day,
and if I can get you there for a curtain call, I will.
I still have the blind man's quarter.
-Stay here. I'm going to call a cab. -Thank you, Niles.
You're a good brother.
-Hey, I hear you yelling for a cab? -Yes!
I can take you if you want.
-Are you serious? -Yeah.
Niles, Niles, let's go! Come on… Ugh.
-What about your friend? -Oh, he'll be all right.
He's got street smarts.
-Well, where are we going? -Oh, the Space Needle, please.
DRIVER: No problem. Should be there in five minutes.
FRASIER: That's the first good news I've had all day.
-I'm having a pretty rough day myself. -Oh?
Yeah, my ex-wife is getting remarried tomorrow.
In Pennsylvania.
You going to that rally over there?
Oh, as a matter of fact, I am.
I told her I'd come to the wedding, but I've been getting cold feet.
I'd better make up my mind soon, though.
My plane leaves in a few hours.
They don't give you any bargains on those last-minute tickets either.
Oh, maybe this isn't the best time to tell you this,
but I'll have to… owe you for this ride.
Don't worry about it.
We probably never should have gotten married in the first place.
We were young. Had a few good years, though.
Well, that's something, at least.
At least the kids are gonna be there tomorrow.
Kids?
A son and a daughter.
I don't see them much.
They went with their mom when we divorced.
Of course, I think I'm more excited about seeing them
than they are about seeing me.
Why would you say that?
Just a feeling.
I didn't make much of my life back when Marie and I were together.
I turned it around, though.
I own this car.
Well, it's, uh…
It's a nice one.
You know what the hardest part is?
If I do go, I'll have to see my in-laws.
They were never too crazy about me.
This new guy Marie is marrying,
he's supposed to be some kind of big success.
I don't know what I'd say to any of them.
Part of me thinks I'd just be better off leaving the whole thing alone.
And part of you doesn't.
I would like to see my kids,
especially now they're getting a new dad.
Hell of a choice, huh?
Well, you know, sometimes difficult choices like these can be good things.
They can teach us about who we are.
Well, I've bent your ear enough about this.
Besides, we're here.
No, don't worry about me. I've got plenty of time.
Tell me more about your kids.
All right.
I'm John, by the way.
I'm Frasier.
[BAND PLAYING "WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN"]
Whoo!
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Make 'em scrambled ♪
Yeah! Whoo!
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused
♪ Well, yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Yeah!
-♪ Salads, scrambled eggs ♪ -♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
-♪ They're callin' again ♪ -♪ Scrambled eggs ♪
So long, Seattle! We love you!