[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-Frasier. Roz. -Oh, Niles.
-I'd join you, but there's not a chair. -Actually, I was just leaving.
-You can have mine. -Oh.
Niles, every time I give you my chair, you wipe it off first.
It's just insulting.
For your information, I was reaching for my cell phone.
Oh. I'm sorry, Niles. I stepped out of line.
-See you later, Frasier. -Bye-bye, Roz.
[PHONE RINGS]
-Cafe Nervosa. -This is Dr. Crane at table seven.
Could you send someone to dust off my chair?
Oh, for God's sake, Niles. Fine, I'll just do it.
It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.
Stop it. Just sit down.
[FRASIER SIGHS]
May I have one of those?
I understand you had a full dance card this weekend.
Yes, indeed.
I met a lovely young artist at the gallery opening on Saturday.
We went out for coffee afterwards, and our date lasted until, well…
The cows didn't actually come home, but I did hear mooing on the front porch.
Wait, I'm drawing a blank.
The only woman I remember you chatting with at the gallery
was the one in Birkenstocks who went on and on about her driftwood collages.
-Yes, that's Caitlin. -Oh.
We seem different on the surface, but once you get to know her,
trust me, she is really a breath of fresh air.
Hmm.
God, I haven't felt this excited about a relationship in ages.
Well, that's wonderful, Frasier. Thank you.
-Is she from around here? -Hmm?
-Oh, it didn't come up. -Oh, I see.
-Well, where'd she go to school? -She didn't mention it.
-Probably art school. -Well, yes.
Being an artist, I'm sure she is enthusiastic
about the finer things, literature, music…
I don't know. We never got around to that.
You know what? I think I'm putting you on the spot here.
Let's just leave it at congratulations on your new… relationship.
What are you implying?
Oh, I think we both know what kind of relationship we're talking about.
Would you stop saying the word "relationship" that way? "Relationship."
I'm not condemning you for your little… fling.
Oh, for God's sake.
Don't try to pass it off as something deeper than it is.
The only thing you have in common is the faint impression
of the word "Sealy" on your backsides.
Listen, Niles, I would never stay in a relationship
if I didn't think there was some real future in it.
In other words, if you were to realize that the two of you
had nothing in common beyond the physical, you'd break it off?
-Yes, absolutely. In a heartbeat. -Oh…
It's a principle of mine.
This topic comes up all the time on my show.
What do I always say?
Um…
Surely you must listen occasionally.
Of course I listen occasionally.
It's just I'm usually busy between 11:00 and 1:00.
My show is on from 2:00 to 5:00.
-I can't wait to see the look on his face. -Me too.
-He doesn't have a clue. -Good. All set.
MARTIN, DAPHNE: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Oh, dear God.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Eddie ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[MARTIN, DAPHNE CHEER]
Okay, come on, let's do it together.
Good boy.
-[DOORBELL RINGS] -Great. That was terrific. [LAUGHS]
-I wonder if he made a wish. -I know I did.
-Niles. -Hello, Frasier.
Daphne, Dad, step lively. We don't want to miss the previews.
In a minute. Come on, birthday boy. I haven't given you your present yet.
I got him a brand-new rubber eeseburger-chay.
So, Frasier, can we convince you to join us?
I don't think so, Dr. Crane.
Your brother's been slaving away in the kitchen all afternoon.
Actually, I'm having Caitlin over for dinner.
Oh.
For dinner.
And what would you be preparing for… dinner?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'd thank you to stop with your sniggering insinuations
that Caitlin and I share nothing but the physical.
There are many things that we do share.
Caitlin.
Now they're sharing a Tic Tac.
Let me take your coat. You remember Niles, of course.
And this is Daphne, Caitlin.
-Oh, hello. -CAITLIN: Hello.
We'll be out of your way in a minute.
Just as soon as I can tear Mr. Crane away from Eddie.
Yes, he's having a little birthday party for his dog.
Oh, how old is he?
Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog.
Anyway, can I interest you in a drink?
I've just opened a bottle of Côte de Brouilly.
You must've been saving it.
Bourgogne hasn't made a decent Beaujolais in years.
Well, do you hear that, Niles?
Our Caitlin is a fellow oenophile.
When I was little, my father owned a vineyard.
I was the only kid on the block who'd open a can of Hawaiian punch
-and let it breathe. -[FRASIER LAUGHS]
And we share that same quirky sense of humor.
-Would you care for a glass? -No, thanks.
Actually, I've always hated the taste of wine.
Finally. Something I can use to tell you two apart.
A martini, then?
I cut out alcohol last year, along with processed sugar, dairy products and meat.
Oh, I hope I'm not screwing up your menu. What are you serving?
Well, so far, parsley…
And curvy orange slices.
But we'll make do.
-Let me get you a glass of mineral water. -Thanks.
Please, help yourself to the melon slices. Just…
Unwind the prosciutto.
Frasier, I owe you an apology. You two are perfectly compatible.
How long will it be before we're all standing outside a wedding chapel
pelting you both with whole-grain brown rice?
Spare me your sarcasm.
Oh, come on, let me have my fun.
You're certainly having yours, even if you deny that that's what you're doing.
Niles, I've already told you, I would never continue a relationship
if I didn't think there was some future in it.
And I happen to believe that there is in this one.
Haven't you ever heard of opposites attracting?
Where I am worldly, Caitlin is unspoiled.
Rather remarkable, given her terror of preservatives.
CAITLIN: Oh, Frasier, I just met your dad.
-Did you know we're both Libras? -FRASIER: No.
Which explains why I'm so perky, open-minded and quick to tears.
-And don't forget outgoing. -No, I didn't.
-All right, everybody coming? -Bye.
-It was nice meeting you all. -Yes, nice to meet you too, Caitlin.
-I'll walk you to the door. -All right…
Will you stop smirking?
It's gonna take more than a harmless dabbling in astrology
to dim the charm of this appealing young woman.
Oh, my God. [CHUCKLES] This is the coolest chair.
Just get out.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Morning, Frasier.
Oh. Morning, Dad.
What's the matter?
It's Caitlin.
I'm in hell.
Last night I experienced the most intense physical pleasure I've ever known.
Frasier, before you continue,
I shared my bed last night with a dog.
That's not the problem, Dad.
It's just that there's absolutely no future for me and Caitlin.
Well, I gotta say, I never thought there was. She's a flake.
Well, that's not the point.
Granted, there are aspects of her personality that I find off-putting.
-Like her being a flake. -Well, all right.
It's just difficult to walk away from something so intoxicating.
Fras, I'm just gonna say one thing.
Watch out for this woman. I know how these things work.
-You've experienced something like this? -I didn't say that.
I just know the type.
Today she's got you going against your better judgment.
Pretty soon you'll be thinking about her all the time,
losing sleep, missing work, neglecting your friends.
And then pretty soon you'll get caught naked with her
in the backseat of your squad car.
But, anyway, the point is,
the longer you put this off, the harder it's gonna be to end it.
You're absolutely right, Dad.
Gotta nip this thing in the bud.
I'm gonna go over there right now.
Doing anything else would just make me a hypocrite.
You know, just yesterday
I dedicated an entire theme show to the importance of self-control.
-You did? -Doesn't anybody listen?
[SIGHS]
-CAITLIN: Who is it? -It's Frasier.
CAITLIN: Oh, my God. Why didn't you call first?
Oh, I'm working on one of my collages. I'm covered in paint.
I got turpentine in my hair. I'm all sweaty.
It'll only take a moment. I need to talk to you about something.
CAITLIN: Oh, all right, but be nice.
Well, actually, I…
Good Lord, you really do look…
Good Lord.
-Hey, Roz. -Hey, Daphne, is Frasier here?
No, he's not back yet.
He was supposed to meet me at the café over an hour ago to finish this paperwork.
Now he can do it himself.
-Can I use our powder room? -Yeah, of course.
Obviously Frasier's attempt to break up with Caitlin has gone awry again.
Thanks to him, I have missed the wine tasting.
What kind of weak-willed man allows a woman to come between him
and a 1981 Cheval Blanc?
You know, just out of curiosity,
why didn't you go by yourself instead of sit here with me for half an hour?
I was worried about him, Daphne, worried sick.
[DOOR OPENS]
-Hello. -NILES: Oh.
DAPHNE: Dr. Crane. Were you at Caitlin's all this time?
Heavens, no. I stopped by early this morning.
We've decided to go our separate ways.
And then I, uh, met up with Roz, went over some paperwork.
You know how she is these days.
Get her on one of her troubles and yak, yak, yak.
And yet she makes every story so interesting,
I could listen to her for hours.
Knock it off, Frasier. Where have you been?
Oh, well, where do you think I've been?
Trying to break up with Caitlin. But did I do it? No.
And why? Because I'm Frasier, and I'm a sexoholic.
It's obvious what's happening here.
You are having a purely sexual fling.
That happens to all of us at some time in our lives.
The one where the chemistry is perfect,
where you can't even be alone together in a room
without tearing each other's clothes off and jumping each other.
Does this sound familiar?
FRASIER, DAPHNE: Yes.
Yeah…
Everyone's had a relationship like that. I know I have. His name was…
-Go on. Come on. -I can't tell you this.
It's too embarrassing.
We're all friends here. We're trying to help Frasier.
Oh, it was so long ago. I don't even remember all the details.
Take a minute.
Well, it all started one afternoon
when I was sunbathing on the roof of our building.
I was concerned about tan lines in those days,
so I decided to unhook my bikini top.
-[PHONE RINGING] -I'll get it.
-Hello? -ROZ: Gosh, mine was this lifeguard.
He had long blond hair and the bluest eyes.
He used to get so sunburned,
I'd spend hours just peeling the skin off his back.
What was his name?
Rick? Nick? I know there was an "ick" sound.
I was about to make one of those myself.
My mother picks the worst times to call. Did I miss anything?
No. I believe you were starting to tell us a story.
-Oh, yeah, that's right. -NILES: Yeah.
Well, once I got my top off, I started thinking to myself,
"You know, I've never had an all-over tan."
So I looked about to see if I was still alone.
Then I started to slip off my
-[TIMER DINGS] -Oh. The rolls are done.
We haven't heard anything from you, Niles.
Oh, I don't think we're exactly in Niles' wheelhouse. [CHUCKLES]
I beg your pardon?
Come on, I've heard your stories. They're not the steamiest stuff.
Obviously you've forgotten the semester I spent living in Paris.
I'll have you know I had a torrid affair with a married woman.
-Really? -I'm sorry, Niles. I had no idea.
It's not something I boast about.
The attraction was simply overpowering.
Every Thursday, two o'clock, the Hotel de Boulogne.
We'd arrive separately, climb the stairs, open the door, and…
Ooh là-là.
Oh, what an embrace.
Afterwards, she'd whisper to me,
"There's something so sweet in your eyes, and it…"
"Does me so much good," said Emma Bovary.
If you're going to steal a love life,
don't steal from the classics, you imbecile.
The part about being in Paris is true.
DAPHNE: Here we are.
Got them out of the oven just in time.
Another minute and I would've had burnt buns.
Which brings us back to your story.
Well, there I was wearing nothing but a smile
when the sun started to shift.
So I moved behind the water tower, and who was lying there but Derrick,
the good-looking farmer from across the hall,
who was also getting an all-over tan, I might add.
So I had two choices.
I could either tiptoe away or
-[KETTLE WHISTLING] -Tea.
No, sit! My God, must Daphne do everything around here?
I'll get it. I could use a glass of ice water anyway.
You're not the only one.
Let me give you a hand.
-So is any of this helping? -Not much.
ROZ: You know, I gotta make a point here.
For as long as I've known you,
you've been complaining about your lack of a sex life.
Suddenly you have one, so why are you still complaining?
Well, it just seems wrong.
-I've thought a lot about this… -Oh, that's your problem.
You've thought too much about this.
You know, why don't you just stop listening to your head
and start listening to your body?
You're obviously enjoying this.
Why do you have to feel so guilty about it?
Well, it's just that I'm afraid I have no future with her.
So?
Well, maybe she thinks that she has a future with me.
Well, then it would be wrong.
-But is that how she feels? -I don't know.
Ask her.
If she feels the same way you do, you should just enjoy yourself.
These things don't come around very often. And they don't last when they do.
Well, you're right, of course.
Overthinking things can certainly spoil anything.
It's funny, I gave the same advice the other day on my show
-to that lawyer from Bainbridge. -I don't remember that.
You were five feet away. Doesn't anyone listen?
And it wasn't until afterwards that we realized
we'd rolled onto the skylight above the main stairwell.
Oh, we took some ribbing about that, we did.
[OVEN DOOR CLOSES]
CAITLIN: Well, I think I got everything under control.
Dinner should be ready in about 20 minutes.
-Smells wonderful. -Mm. So do you.
-Caitlin, you know… -Yes?
Well, I wanted to ask you, where do you see this going?
Well, right now I'm heading to your earlobe,
but if you care to reroute me, I'm open to suggestions.
No, I mean our relationship. We've never talked about it.
Oh. Gee, I don't know.
I guess I was kind of looking at this as a nice casual thing.
-I hope that doesn't disappoint you. -No, not at all.
I'm actually relieved.
I… I've been loving things the way they are too.
-Yeah, we're just having some fun, right? -Right.
Well, fun doesn't begin to describe it.
I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page.
Is that what's been on your mind?
I thought you were tense these last few days.
I even went and got some hot oil to give you a massage.
I guess we won't be needing that now.
Well, I have been terribly worried about this global warming situation.
Well, we've got some time before dinner. I'll go get the oil.
-I'm so glad we had this conversation. -Yeah, me too.
I mean, I was starting to worry that you were scared off by my lifestyle.
I mean, I'm pretty out-there.
Oh, Caitlin, Caitlin…
I'm not as narrow-minded as all that.
I think we have a wonderful chemistry.
That's enough to offset a few minor differences.
CAITLIN: You can be taking your shirt off.
Ooh. Well… [CHUCKLING]
Same goes, by the way.
You know, I just love these converted loft spaces.
I wonder what this one was before you moved in.
Judging by these meat hooks, I'd say a slaughterhouse, huh?
No, I put those in. It was a day care center.
Oh, you artists, with your whimsical decorating touches.
Oh, that's a…
That's a mousetrap, isn't it?
-Do you get many mice? -I wish.
I use them in my art.
Dead mice?
Yeah, they're part of my newest collage series.
It's all about mortality.
Caitlin, you…
You've cut your hair.
Yeah, sometimes the spirit just grabs me, and I gotta do it.
It's really very freeing.
Plus, I think there's something great
about using your body parts for a practical use.
Well, it's, uh…
It's different.
It's still beautiful, nonetheless.
Is that all your hair?
It's mostly mine.
-You know, Caitlin, I'm thinking… -No, no, no, don't think.
The secret to a good massage is to let the mind rest…
-Uh-huh. -…and listen to the body.
-Right. -Yeah.
Okay.
Go ahead, body. I'm listening.
-Mm. -Oh, God, yeah, that feels good.
You know, if we move to the bed, I could give you a more thorough massage.
Oh, I just remembered it's a full moon tonight.
-Look. Isn't that beautiful? -How romantic.
You know, there's nothing like a full moon to make one want to…
[CAITLIN HOWLS]
Caitlin?
I'm a member of the Lycanthrope Society.
As in werewolf?
Not literally. It's a group of women who believe that the moon controls our cycles.
And this is our way of paying our respect.
[HOWLS]
Besides, you've heard me howl before.
Well, yes, but in that context, I took it as a compliment.
Oh, Frasier, you're getting all tense again.
It's the hair pillows, isn't it?
Yes, that, and
-[MOUSETRAP SNAPS] -Oh, got one!
Among other things.
Listen, Caitlin, I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't such a good idea.
-What do you mean? -Well, you know, we're just so different.
I'm basically your stuffy, buttoned-down sort of guy.
And you're, well… You're a free-spirited, adventurous,
mouse-painting, moon-howling sort of girl.
Is even the most satisfying sexual relationship enough
to bridge that gap?
Well, I think so.
What do you think?
[HOWLS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salad and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Frasier has left the building.