[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Well, that's our show for today.
But before we close, I'd like to invite you all
to join us here at KACL in wishing a fond farewell
to our Happy Chef, Leo Pascale, as he bubble-wraps his crepe pan
and heads south towards sunny Santa Fe.
Leo, you stirred us with your passion,
melted us with your charm, added spice to our lives.
Now, as you whisk yourself away
let's not say goodbye, but rather tartare for now.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780.
Well, at least you stopped short of saying, "I'll be fricasseeing you."
You ready to go to Leo's party?
Oh, dear God, there is nothing I detest more
than a KACL goodbye party.
They're all the same.
Twist-top wine and a bunch of people standing around awkwardly,
trying to summon up some affection for someone they hardly even know.
It always ends up reeking of insincerity.
What are we gonna do, Doc? He's leaving us.
-Bulldog and Leo were tight. -Well, Bulldog certainly is.
I love that guy, man. He'd give me all his leftovers.
I warned Leo, you keep feeding him, he'll keep coming back.
-Are you going to the party? -Actually, I think I'm gonna pass.
Come on. Doc, you gotta at least have a drink, give him a hug.
That is precisely what I'm trying to avoid.
When did we become a society of huggers?
Oh, we hug for everything nowadays. I mean, "Hello." Hug.
"Congratulations." Hug. "Nice haircut." Hug.
It's absurd.
I mean, if we want to express some real emotion for someone,
-where is there left to go? -I've had good luck
with the storage closet.
You know, I think you're way too uptight about this.
No, no, no, I see the doc's point.
We all have different ways of saying goodbye.
Me, I prefer this method. [HONKS HORN] Get out! Come on! I got a show to do.
Well, I think hugging is very healthy.
I read somewhere that if you have physical contact
on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
Well, in that case, you should outlive Styrofoam.
-Frasier, you made it. -Well, Leo, you know I wouldn't miss
-saying goodbye to you for the world. -We're gonna miss you so much.
We sure are. Oh, what the heck.
You have no idea how hard this is for me.
FRASIER: Thank you.
I must say, Niles, that is a striking tie you're wearing.
Thank you. It was a gift from Maris.
She had it made for me to commemorate the end
of that dreadful winter she had her obesity scare.
Oh, yes.
I remember her struggle to lose that holiday pound.
NILES: Mm-hmm. Yes.
After she'd restored her figure, she had Yoshi set fire
to a hippopotamus topiary she felt had taunted her.
Yeah.
Then, as a visual reminder never to let herself go again,
she had this tie made for me out of the legs of her fat pants. Thank you.
You know, I would think wearing a tie that Maris gave you
might make you feel a little bit melancholy.
On the contrary. I have every reason to believe Maris and I
-may be on the road to reconciliation. -Really?
-We met for lunch today. -Mm-hm.
I told her I couldn't stand being in separation limbo any more,
and unless she wanted the marriage to end,
-we simply had to get into counseling. -And she agreed?
Her exact words were "I'll think about it,"
but I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen
since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
-Congratulations. -Thank you.
-The foam is a tad listless today. -Yes. I can tell without looking
they've got Chad back on steamer duty.
You are good.
-Excuse me, Dr. Niles Crane? -I am.
-Here. -Oh.
Who's sending me this?
"Notice. Petition…
-For divorce." -Sorry, man. Cool tie.
-I don't know what to say. -Oh… It's all right.
Would have been nice if we'd given therapy a try, but so be it.
It's little consolation, but you're to be applauded
for how you're handling this. A lesser man would panic.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. I'll get her back.
You have too much dignity to let yourself beg.
Please give me my phone back. Please. Please.
Stop. Stop. Stop it!
Listen, I know you're upset now, but remember
why you left Maris in the first place. You were tired of groveling.
Yes, but I'm rested now.
Fine.
Go ahead and toddle on back to Maris.
Let her grind you under her boot heel for another 12 years,
rob you of whatever self-respect you've retained.
Then we can have this conversation all over again!
-I was unhappy, wasn't I? -You were miserable.
I'm sorry.
It's just a lot to take in. Twelve years of my life, gone.
Oh, don't think of it as a loss, but rather an opportunity for growth.
-It's not an ending, it's… -Frasier.
No offense, but I'm familiar with all the platitudes.
I've just been served divorce papers. I need a little time to let it sink in.
If you don't mind, maybe we could not talk about it for a while.
-Of course. -Hi. Can I get you guys anything?
No, thank you. We've already been served.
Sorry.
[DOOR HANDLE RATTLING]
-Oh, you're back. -Yeah, I never should have left.
The park was a disaster.
You remember that outfit Mrs. Foster knitted Eddie for Christmas?
Well, I bumped into her in the lobby,
and she said she was gonna be going to the park.
And I thought it would be rude if I didn't at least have him
wear it one time, you know?
Eddie, get in here.
Look at the poor guy. He's humiliated.
And then, of course, she didn't even show up.
But you know who was there? Duke. And two guys from the old precinct.
"Glad to see you've got something to do, now that you're retired."
"Hey, Marty, if I buy you some wool, would you knit something for me?"
Well, it could have been worse.
You could have been wearing the hat she made for you.
Oh, dear.
Would you take that off him? He just looks so pathetic.
Oh, come here, you poor little fella.
-What's in the box? -Oh, nothing.
Just some old stuff I was taking down to the storage bin.
-Great. Why don't you take this with it. -Yeah, just set that on top.
No, no, it'll fall off if I do.
Hey, this is my stuff.
-It's a box of junk. -It's not junk.
Oh, rubbish. It's a bunch of useless gadgets you haven't used in years.
Like this remote control to God knows what. Useless.
Just like this, whatever it is.
That's a Steam Master 2000, like on TV. "Live life wrinkle-free."
It even comes with an attachment that cooks Chinese vegetables.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
It's Niles. I'm taking him to lunch to get his mind off his troubles.
-Something we shouldn't talk about? -No reason we shouldn't talk about it.
I don't think he's ready to talk about it, so we're not.
NILES: Would you mind not talking about it a little less loudly?
-Niles. -Afternoon, all.
-Hello, Dr. Crane. -Hi, Niles.
I appreciate your concern, but I'm really doing quite well with all of this.
-Everything's gonna be fine. -MARTIN: That's good.
I just hope you got a good divorce lawyer.
You've been married a long time, you gotta make sure
you get your fair share.
Well, according to the terms of our prenuptial agreement,
I believe I'm wearing my fair share.
Well, take a tip from your old man.
You get over there and take possession
of your personal belongings before they box them up and toss them out.
When will you just admit that this junk belongs in a dustbin?
You know, I was on a case once where the wife constantly nagged
the husband like this. "You never put anything in the garbage.
Why don't you put anything in the garbage?"
-Well, he should've listened to her. -He did. That's where we found her.
You know, I think Daphne's fighting an uphill battle with this project of hers.
-What's that? -It's a journal.
Look at this.
Isn't that Mother's handwriting?
These must be notes from one of her research projects.
"It's hard to imagine two male siblings who could be more different
than Frasier and Niles."
Good heavens, it's about us.
"Though both are highly intelligent,
"Frasier is clearly the more dominant of the two,"
while Niles remains extremely passive." Fascinating.
"Frasier never seems to get enough at mealtime.
"He's nearly twice the size of Niles, and often,"
when he thinks I'm not looking, steals his brother's food."
"What Niles lacks in assertiveness, he makes up for
in an abnormally fussy grooming regimen."
"Frasier is exhibiting clearly antisocial tendencies.
"In fact, he is extremely uncomfortable with touch,"
seeming to recoil from all human contact."
Where does it say that?
All right, I added "extremely," but it's right there.
Good Lord.
This cuts rather close to the bone.
Just yesterday Roz was accusing me of the same thing.
I always thought it was just an aversion to social hugging,
but apparently it goes deeper than that.
You know, maybe this is something I should work on. What do you think?
Niles.
"April 3rd. Niles remains as docile as ever.
"He constantly allows himself to be cowed and dominated,"
especially by females."
Well, you shouldn't let that upset you. You've broken that pattern.
You could've knuckled under and gone groveling back to Maris, but you didn't.
You know, Niles, I don't think I've ever been more proud of you.
-Oh, Frasier, this is awful. -Well, pardon me for trying.
I am new at it.
No, no, no, you don't understand. I did go groveling back.
What?
I sent the divorce papers back unsigned,
along with a letter begging her to take me back.
-Oh, Niles, you didn't. -Of course I did.
You read the journal. It's who I am.
-Well, how did she respond? -Well, she hasn't yet.
I just messengered it to her this morning.
It's her spa day. She won't be home until…
I still have time to get that letter back.
-I'm going with you. -You're a good brother.
This may be my last chance to prove once and for all
that I'm not the sort of man who…
Whatever Mother said.
Constantly allows himself to be cowed and dominated, especially by females.
-I might've known you'd memorize it. -I'm sorry.
You're right, that was harsh. Come here.
Oh, get away from me.
FRASIER: I'm still uneasy about this. What if one of the servants sees us?
Impossible. They always use Maris' spa day to play hooky.
I just hope she hasn't changed the locks.
What do you know?
You know, this is sort of exciting.
Even as a child, I always fancied I might make
a first-rate society cat burglar. I think I'm right.
Yes. All it takes is stealth, cunning and a key to the door.
The letter should be over here with the rest of Maris' unopened mail.
Yeah, there it is. Let's go.
[DOGS BARKING]
Frasier, look, it's my puppies. Oh, I've missed you.
Hello, Gestalt. Hello, Gerhardt.
Don't they look just a bit agitated to you?
Well, that's because they're excited to see the lord has returned to the manor.
Hello, boys.
Oh, my God. She hasn't changed the locks, she changed the dogs.
-Maybe we can make it to the front. -Right.
[BARKING]
[DOOR SLAMS]
-They're toying with us. -What are we going to do?
Well, I guess we're just gonna have to wait
until Lady Baskerville comes back from the spa!
And explain our presence how?
Oh. I do see your point.
We have to find some way to distract those beasts and make our escape.
Wait. Tuesday is Swedish meatball night for the staff.
Cook always keeps them in the refrigerator.
No, we can't feed them raw meat. It'll stimulate their blood lust.
Listen. One of our old dogs used to be spooked by thunderstorms.
The vet told us half of one of Maris' green pills
would allow him to sleep safely through the storm.
-You get the meat, I'll get the pills. -Right. Wait.
What if Maris is out of pills?
[LAUGHING]
-Oh, I see. -Thank you, Frasier, I needed that.
Niles, that's three meatballs in a row right in the koi pond.
Stop trying to throw!
Just drop them. You can drop straight, can't you?
-Was that a splat or a splash? -A splat!
Do it again.
Excellent, they're eating it. All right, that's enough.
Good boys. Yeah, that's right. Eat hardy.
Oh, you missed one. Right over there in the garden by the tulips.
Oh, there's a few more there in the koi pond, next to the…
Sleeping koi.
Niles.
This painting here in the living room. You've always had this?
NILES: The one of Maris and me in the garden?
It was commissioned on our third anniversary.
It must be a different painting. This is Maris next to a really big tree.
No, there's no tree in that painting. It's…
Oh, my God.
She's had me completely painted out.
I don't think I can take much more of this.
Well, in that case, I wouldn't look too closely
at the face of that skunk in the flowerbed.
Well, I suppose it's only fitting
that I be commemorated in this household as a laughingstock.
She's always run roughshod over me.
Look around. This entire room is a monument to my spinelessness.
-How so? -Well…
This Dresden shepherdess?
A peace offering I made to Maris when I was foolish enough
to point out an extra syllable in a haiku she'd written.
Choose another item. Anything.
-Oh, that candelabra. -Louis Quatorze.
What better way to apologize
for the time I attempted to grow a mustache?
I think you owe us all a candelabra for that.
Niles, look, it seems to be working. The dogs are getting drowsy.
You know, if just once Maris had given in, in all those years,
I might think there was hope for our marriage.
But she never budged an inch.
Even on those rare occasions when I reported back to you
that I had prevailed…
-I knew. -Yeah.
I don't know why I thought I could convince her
with that couples-therapy idea.
Well…
I'm not going to be her whipping boy anymore.
What are you doing?
I'm signing the divorce papers.
If she wants to initiate proceedings, let's proceed.
Niles, you know I'll support any decision you make, but are you sure?
Absolutely.
That's done.
Are you okay?
I will be.
Looks like the dogs are asleep. Shall we go?
Oh, I don't know. You know, maybe they're just playing possum with us.
Oh, frankly, I don't care.
After what I've just done, you think I'm gonna let a couple dogs frighten me?
This is the last time I'm leaving this house.
I'm going to walk through that door with my head held high.
Good for you. I'm gonna run like hell out the front door.
Wait up.
Now, the beauty of the Hot 'n' Foamy is the ultra-quick heating action.
You just plug it in, and two minutes later, presto. Guess what comes out.
Well, the obvious answer would be shaving cream,
so I'll go with music.
You had a lot of sassy things to say about my clothes steamer too.
But didn't those snow peas taste delicious?
-DAPHNE: Hello. -NILES: Hey.
-Where did you two slip off to? -Oh, I just had some papers to sign.
-Thanks. -Yes.
Niles has decided to begin divorce proceedings.
-I'm sorry, Dr. Crane. -It's okay. I feel good about it.
Now, we thought it might be nice
to have a family dinner this evening at Chez Shea,
so we stopped by to invite the two of you to join us.
Oh, that would be nice. I'll just go freshen up.
Yeah, sounds great. And, Niles, I'm proud of you.
I know this isn't easy, but in the long run,
I know you'll be happier.
I'm damn sure I will be.
Well, I can't believe it. It's really over.
And if you choose, you never have to see Maris again.
Oh, please. Half the time I couldn't see her
when she was standing right in front of me.
Oh, my.
-I can't breathe. -Niles…
No, really, I can't breathe.
Frasier, I signed divorce papers. What was I thinking?
God, you're not having second thoughts.
I don't know. When I was caught up in the adrenaline,
it all seemed fine, but now in the clear light of day…
It's natural to feel a little shaky, but, believe me, you made the right decision.
-How do I know that? -Let's just check
what prompted us to it. Here.
"Niles is incapable of asserting himself,
especially in front of females."
-Keep going. This is helping. -"As I write this,
he lies staring out the window, licking himself."
What?
"He's become so subservient lately that when he finishes
grooming himself, he often begins licking Frasier."
I have no memory of that.
"April 14th, the day I've dreaded for weeks.
"Frasier died this morning."
"I never would've guessed that my heart could ache so"
"over the death of my beloved"
"lab rat."
"My only consolation is the knowledge that I will soon give birth"
to my first child."
Frasier…
Do you know what this means?
Our mother named us after rodents.
No, it means I have ended my marriage to the woman I love
based on the case history of a spineless rat.
-Oh, my God. -Niles.
Maris has seen the papers. It's too late to take it back.
-Your reasoning was still sound. -My reasoning?
My reasoning was based on my mother's obsession with vermin!
-What the hell's going on? -Niles is just a bit distraught.
-Distraught? My life is over! -FRASIER: Niles, don't talk that way.
My God, man, you've got to calm down.
All right, all right.
I'm gonna splash some cold water on my face.
-Right. Right. -Is he gonna be all right?
-I've never seen him like this. -FRASIER: Of course he'll be all right.
Niles, just remember to keep breathing.
And, trust me, this is not the end!
Your life is not over.
Niles.
Niles!
[LOUD BANG]
Oh, my God.
Dr. Crane, are you all right?
I'm fine.
Just a little hot…
And foamy.
You know what must have happened? My Hot 'n' Foamy must have exploded.
He was a detective, you know.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Excuse me.
Hello.
Yes, Maris.
You are?
You do?
You will? That's wonderful.
I'll be right over. Goodbye.
The divorce papers were a bluff.
When I signed them, it completely threw her.
-She's willing to go into counseling. -Niles, I'm so happy for you.
-Oh, thank you. -Oh, Ni…
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night, everybody!