1
00:00:10,046 --> 00:00:12,839
Oh, dear, your chair's got
another big rip in the bottom.

2
00:00:12,923 --> 00:00:14,507
MARTIN: Where?

3
00:00:14,591 --> 00:00:16,541
Hand me my reupholstery kit, would you?

4
00:00:17,511 --> 00:00:19,054
Thanks.

5
00:00:20,013 --> 00:00:22,932
Oh, Dr. Crane, don't you look smart.

6
00:00:23,016 --> 00:00:24,434
I don't feel smart.

7
00:00:24,518 --> 00:00:27,479
I've let Roz set me up on
another one of her blind dates.

8
00:00:27,563 --> 00:00:30,357
-Who's the lucky woman?
-Oh, a friend from her aerobics class.

9
00:00:30,441 --> 00:00:33,942
Well, perhaps it won't be too bad.
She's 32, has a terrific body,

10
00:00:34,026 --> 00:00:36,153
apparently thinks I'm
God's gift to broadcasting.

11
00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:38,865
Well, at least you have
one thing in common.

12
00:00:41,617 --> 00:00:44,536
When will you stop blighting
the environment with this atrocity?

13
00:00:44,620 --> 00:00:45,746
[DOORBELL RINGS]

14
00:00:45,830 --> 00:00:48,480
My God, can't you see
that it wants to die? Let it go.

15
00:00:49,208 --> 00:00:52,670
You know, I keep having this
dream where you say the same words,

16
00:00:52,754 --> 00:00:56,631
only I'm in the hospital, and
you're slipping the nurse a 20.

17
00:00:56,715 --> 00:00:58,841
-Dad, that will never happen.
-MARTIN: Thank you.

18
00:00:58,925 --> 00:01:01,825
I have medical power of attorney.
It won't cost me a thing.

19
00:01:03,513 --> 00:01:05,348
-Niles.
-Hello, Frasier.

20
00:01:05,432 --> 00:01:08,017
We were in the neighborhood
for a pedicure and a seaweed wrap

21
00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:09,770
and we thought we'd stop by.

22
00:01:11,188 --> 00:01:13,439
-Of course, the pedicure was for…
-Stop right there.

23
00:01:13,523 --> 00:01:16,777
There's no way to finish that
sentence that'll make me proud.

24
00:01:18,652 --> 00:01:20,028
I have some wonderful news.

25
00:01:20,112 --> 00:01:22,406
I just signed a lease for an apartment

26
00:01:22,490 --> 00:01:25,242
in one of the most
exclusive buildings in Seattle.

27
00:01:25,326 --> 00:01:26,660
-You don't mean…
-NILES: I do.

28
00:01:26,744 --> 00:01:30,622
As of next week, I will be
a resident of the Montana.

29
00:01:30,706 --> 00:01:33,458
Niles, why would you even want
to live in such a stodgy building?

30
00:01:33,542 --> 00:01:35,669
When I applied there
they treated me like riffraff.

31
00:01:35,753 --> 00:01:37,879
If you're gonna ask and
answer your own questions,

32
00:01:37,963 --> 00:01:39,839
what do you need me for?

33
00:01:40,590 --> 00:01:42,967
The best part is I'll never
have to give my address again.

34
00:01:43,051 --> 00:01:46,262
From now on, I'll simply be
Dr. Niles Crane, the Montana.

35
00:01:47,764 --> 00:01:49,306
DAPHNE: That's a lovely building.

36
00:01:49,390 --> 00:01:51,934
I've only been there
once, applying for a job.

37
00:01:52,018 --> 00:01:54,228
Can't imagine anyone turning
down a chance to hire you.

38
00:01:54,312 --> 00:01:56,522
Well, I hope you're right.
I haven't heard yet.

39
00:01:56,606 --> 00:01:58,441
Well, good night.

40
00:02:01,527 --> 00:02:03,903
-Hey, Frasier, you don't think she…
-Just relax, Dad.

41
00:02:03,987 --> 00:02:06,656
It's just her way of angling
for more vacation time.

42
00:02:06,740 --> 00:02:08,074
But what if she isn't?

43
00:02:08,158 --> 00:02:11,958
They'd have to call me for a reference.
Either way, she's not going anywhere.

44
00:02:13,121 --> 00:02:14,539
Gosh, that's uncanny, Dad.

45
00:02:14,623 --> 00:02:17,125
-What is?
-The way she's taken with you.

46
00:02:17,209 --> 00:02:20,963
Look at that. She's absolutely mesmerized.

47
00:02:23,464 --> 00:02:25,549
-She is not.
-Oh, she is.

48
00:02:25,633 --> 00:02:27,676
She's just playing hard to get.

49
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,970
Go to Grandpa.
Go to Grandpa. Go to Grandpa.

50
00:02:30,054 --> 00:02:31,847
Oh, hello, Grandpa. Oh, yes.

51
00:02:31,931 --> 00:02:33,807
Isn't she warm and cuddly?

52
00:02:33,891 --> 00:02:36,643
I see I'm going to have a tough
time tearing the two of you apart.

53
00:02:36,727 --> 00:02:38,270
FRASIER: I'm gonna go out on a limb.

54
00:02:38,354 --> 00:02:40,314
The Montana doesn't accept pets, does it?

55
00:02:40,398 --> 00:02:42,065
On the contrary, they welcome them.

56
00:02:42,149 --> 00:02:44,110
Just not cats or dogs.

57
00:02:45,986 --> 00:02:49,572
Well, then you're in luck, because I
don't know what the hell this thing is.

58
00:02:49,656 --> 00:02:51,783
There's no way that dog
is moving in here with us.

59
00:02:51,867 --> 00:02:54,368
Please? At least if she's
here, I'll be able to visit her.

60
00:02:54,452 --> 00:02:56,871
I cannot turn her over to strangers.
She worships me.

61
00:02:56,955 --> 00:02:58,164
FRASIER: Oh, please.

62
00:02:58,248 --> 00:03:01,292
You must realize that that dog
has no genuine affection for you.

63
00:03:01,376 --> 00:03:02,710
You only pretend that she does

64
00:03:02,794 --> 00:03:04,944
because she's a canine
substitute for Maris.

65
00:03:08,799 --> 00:03:11,968
That is the most absurd
psychobabble I have ever heard.

66
00:03:12,052 --> 00:03:14,304
She's high-strung, cold to
the touch and ignores you.

67
00:03:14,388 --> 00:03:16,515
My God, stand her upright,
take ten pounds off her,

68
00:03:16,599 --> 00:03:19,101
put her in a Chanel
suit, what have you got?

69
00:03:22,021 --> 00:03:24,648
-I'm sorry, that's ridiculous.
-Is it really? All right, here.

70
00:03:24,732 --> 00:03:27,734
Remember the little pillbox hat that
Maris wore to the Duchamps wedding?

71
00:03:27,818 --> 00:03:29,694
NILES: Yes, well, I…

72
00:03:42,707 --> 00:03:44,625
-Good morning.
-Hey, Frasier.

73
00:03:44,709 --> 00:03:48,796
-So how did it go with Rita last night?
-She didn't quite take to me.

74
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,798
Oh, you're just being hard
on yourself like you always are.

75
00:03:51,882 --> 00:03:53,299
FRASIER: You tell me.

76
00:03:53,383 --> 00:03:56,845
Over appetizers, she suddenly realized
she had a very early morning meeting,

77
00:03:56,929 --> 00:03:59,597
suggested that we skip
the jazz club after dinner.

78
00:03:59,681 --> 00:04:01,099
People have meetings.

79
00:04:01,183 --> 00:04:04,185
When the waiter suggested a soufflé
that would take an extra 30 minutes,

80
00:04:04,269 --> 00:04:06,647
she said, "Oh, dear God, no."

81
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:10,359
She was probably on a diet.

82
00:04:10,943 --> 00:04:12,317
After I dropped her off at home,

83
00:04:12,401 --> 00:04:14,820
I noticed that she'd left
her suede jacket in my car.

84
00:04:14,904 --> 00:04:16,446
I called to offer to swing it by,

85
00:04:16,530 --> 00:04:19,742
and she said, and I quote, "Just keep it."

86
00:04:21,243 --> 00:04:22,993
-What did you do to her?
-Nothing.

87
00:04:23,245 --> 00:04:24,413
God, Roz, I have had it.

88
00:04:24,497 --> 00:04:26,331
You know, in the past
six months I have done

89
00:04:26,415 --> 00:04:28,542
everything a man can
possibly do to meet a woman.

90
00:04:28,626 --> 00:04:31,420
Singles bars, blind dates, a
lecture series at the museum.

91
00:04:31,504 --> 00:04:33,505
I've even spent hours in the grocery store

92
00:04:33,589 --> 00:04:36,716
trying to look helpless in
the produce department.

93
00:04:36,967 --> 00:04:38,759
That's it.
I'm taking myself off the market.

94
00:04:38,843 --> 00:04:42,305
Frasier Crane has thumped his last melon.

95
00:04:45,725 --> 00:04:46,893
You know, Frasier…

96
00:04:46,977 --> 00:04:49,103
Roz, Roz, please, I know
what you're going to say.

97
00:04:49,187 --> 00:04:50,938
I should climb back up on that horse.

98
00:04:51,022 --> 00:04:53,357
I'm too great a catch to give up now.

99
00:04:53,441 --> 00:04:56,069
-No, I think you should give up.
-What?

100
00:04:56,860 --> 00:04:58,987
Well, I don't really want to give up.

101
00:04:59,071 --> 00:05:01,573
I was just saying that
to get your sympathy.

102
00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:05,410
Look, this happens sometimes.

103
00:05:05,494 --> 00:05:08,204
When you're on a really bad
streak, you start to get desperate.

104
00:05:08,288 --> 00:05:10,290
Women can sense that. They can smell it.

105
00:05:10,374 --> 00:05:11,499
-Smell it?
-Mm-hm.

106
00:05:11,583 --> 00:05:13,668
And trust me, when a
guy starts to get overeager,

107
00:05:13,752 --> 00:05:15,503
you know, like complimenting you too much

108
00:05:15,587 --> 00:05:18,589
or laughing too hard at all your
jokes, you just wanna turn and run.

109
00:05:18,673 --> 00:05:20,049
-I don't do that.
-Oh, honey,

110
00:05:20,133 --> 00:05:22,552
wake up and smell… Well, yourself.

111
00:05:24,303 --> 00:05:26,180
You just need to air it out a little bit.

112
00:05:26,264 --> 00:05:28,891
And in my experience,
the minute you stop looking,

113
00:05:28,975 --> 00:05:31,101
the perfect person
falls right in your lap.

114
00:05:31,185 --> 00:05:32,645
Well, Roz, as much as I appreciate

115
00:05:32,729 --> 00:05:34,980
you comparing me to a
dead squirrel in a heating duct,

116
00:05:35,064 --> 00:05:36,566
I think you're wrong.

117
00:05:37,025 --> 00:05:38,525
-Hey, Roz.
-ROZ: Hey.

118
00:05:38,609 --> 00:05:40,944
-I got that research you're looking for.
-Great.

119
00:05:41,028 --> 00:05:42,737
-Hi, Dr. Crane.
-FRASIER: Hi.

120
00:05:42,821 --> 00:05:44,822
Wow, you look really
lovely today, Christine.

121
00:05:44,906 --> 00:05:46,282
It is Christine, isn't it?

122
00:05:46,366 --> 00:05:48,576
That's what it says
on my driver's license.

123
00:05:48,660 --> 00:05:50,078
[LAUGHING]

124
00:05:51,288 --> 00:05:52,914
FRASIER: That's very charming.

125
00:05:54,291 --> 00:05:56,877
God, I reek, don't I?

126
00:05:59,379 --> 00:06:02,172
NILES: …with inlay of
Philippine mahogany.

127
00:06:02,256 --> 00:06:05,592
And we conclude our little
tour back here in the living room.

128
00:06:05,676 --> 00:06:07,135
Oh, it's very posh.

129
00:06:07,219 --> 00:06:08,220
[DOOR BUZZES]

130
00:06:08,304 --> 00:06:10,263
Niles, why the bed in the living room?

131
00:06:10,347 --> 00:06:13,141
It's not a bed, Dad.
It's an antique fainting couch.

132
00:06:13,225 --> 00:06:16,979
My goodness, they had furniture
for everything back then, didn't they?

133
00:06:19,273 --> 00:06:20,357
Glad you made it.

134
00:06:20,441 --> 00:06:23,402
Niles, this precious little building
isn't as exclusive as you think.

135
00:06:23,486 --> 00:06:24,986
Your doorman waved me right through.

136
00:06:25,070 --> 00:06:28,020
-Well, that's because he knows you.
-Oh, a fan of my show?

137
00:06:28,364 --> 00:06:30,241
No, he lives in your building.

138
00:06:36,039 --> 00:06:38,290
So, Niles, what'd you do about the dog?

139
00:06:38,374 --> 00:06:40,626
Oh, I found a wonderful
family to adopt her.

140
00:06:40,710 --> 00:06:44,088
Well, I'm sure it won't take you
long to adjust to being alone again.

141
00:06:44,172 --> 00:06:47,340
Actually, I won't have to. Follow me.
There's someone I'd like you to meet.

142
00:06:47,424 --> 00:06:49,134
It was love at first sight.

143
00:06:49,218 --> 00:06:51,636
She's very exotic, only
eats every other day,

144
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,764
and she's so white, she's almost blue.

145
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,141
Well, I'm getting nervous.

146
00:06:56,225 --> 00:06:59,075
That's what he said just
before he introduced us to Maris.

147
00:07:01,605 --> 00:07:03,398
Everybody…

148
00:07:06,235 --> 00:07:09,236
-…meet Baby.
-BABY: I love you.

149
00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:10,529
You bought a bird?

150
00:07:10,613 --> 00:07:13,157
Well, I started to think how
quiet it would be around here,

151
00:07:13,241 --> 00:07:16,702
and, well, she is lovely,
and she's so affectionate.

152
00:07:16,786 --> 00:07:18,788
BABY: I love you.

153
00:07:20,414 --> 00:07:23,542
She says that all the time.
I love you too, Baby.

154
00:07:23,626 --> 00:07:26,129
I love you, Grandma.

155
00:07:30,423 --> 00:07:33,051
She's still in transition
from her last owner.

156
00:07:33,135 --> 00:07:34,594
[DOOR BUZZES]

157
00:07:34,678 --> 00:07:37,055
Let go of my shoulder.
Let go of my shoulder.

158
00:07:37,681 --> 00:07:39,265
Don't like that noise, do you, Baby?

159
00:07:39,349 --> 00:07:41,434
Well, here, go to your food.
Go to your food.

160
00:07:41,518 --> 00:07:44,312
Oh, good girl. Excuse me.

161
00:07:46,022 --> 00:07:48,775
Oh, you know, I've always
been fascinated by these birds

162
00:07:48,859 --> 00:07:50,485
that can actually learn how to talk.

163
00:07:50,569 --> 00:07:54,029
Oh, they can't talk. They just drill a
few words into them at the pet shop,

164
00:07:54,113 --> 00:07:56,281
and then they never learn
anything else after that.

165
00:07:56,365 --> 00:07:57,491
It is attractive, though.

166
00:07:57,575 --> 00:08:00,285
Yeah, well, that's the way they are.
Cute but stupid.

167
00:08:00,369 --> 00:08:02,329
BABY: Cute but stupid.

168
00:08:03,664 --> 00:08:05,916
Daphne, perhaps we should
just leave these two alone.

169
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:09,253
I sense a real battle
of wits shaping up here.

170
00:08:10,629 --> 00:08:12,464
NILES: Thanks so much.

171
00:08:13,756 --> 00:08:16,467
Well, I'm off to an
auspicious start in the building.

172
00:08:16,551 --> 00:08:18,427
One of my neighbors
got my mail by mistake.

173
00:08:18,511 --> 00:08:20,638
Look at those bills.
What must she think of me?

174
00:08:20,722 --> 00:08:22,223
But, Niles, everybody gets bills.

175
00:08:22,307 --> 00:08:24,600
Not at the Montana. They all have people.

176
00:08:24,684 --> 00:08:26,227
Yeah.

177
00:08:26,311 --> 00:08:28,229
Their bills go to their people.

178
00:08:28,313 --> 00:08:30,815
I want them to think I have people too.

179
00:08:30,899 --> 00:08:33,192
I used to have people,
only they were Maris' people.

180
00:08:33,276 --> 00:08:35,568
Niles, you keep this up, you
won't even have the people

181
00:08:35,652 --> 00:08:37,863
who don't care you don't have people.

182
00:08:38,447 --> 00:08:39,864
It just proves how essential it is

183
00:08:39,948 --> 00:08:42,700
to make a good first impression
when you move into a new building.

184
00:08:42,784 --> 00:08:45,036
Which is why I'm throwing
a dinner party Friday night

185
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:46,287
for a few select residents.

186
00:08:46,371 --> 00:08:49,207
I'll show them such a good time,
there'll be no question I belong.

187
00:08:49,291 --> 00:08:50,667
-And I'm invited?
-Yes, you are.

188
00:08:50,751 --> 00:08:53,878
But I'm afraid you can't bring a date.
You know how I hate a crowded table.

189
00:08:53,962 --> 00:08:56,965
That's quite all right.
I've taken myself off the dating circuit.

190
00:08:57,049 --> 00:08:58,757
Afraid I was getting a bit desperate.

191
00:08:58,841 --> 00:09:00,425
Well, I was a bit concerned

192
00:09:00,509 --> 00:09:04,513
when you called to ask if Gloria
was our first or second cousin.

193
00:09:07,391 --> 00:09:10,352
Hey, Niles, you gotta see this.
Your bird's eating peanut butter.

194
00:09:10,436 --> 00:09:12,536
It's even funnier than when Eddie does it.

195
00:09:12,772 --> 00:09:13,856
Dad!

196
00:09:13,940 --> 00:09:15,065
-[DOOR BUZZES]
-[BABY SQUAWKS]

197
00:09:15,149 --> 00:09:17,999
Frasier, would you get that?
And pretend you're my people.

198
00:09:19,237 --> 00:09:21,362
-FRASIER: Hello.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

199
00:09:21,446 --> 00:09:24,448
I was looking for Dr. Crane.
I found some more of his mail.

200
00:09:24,532 --> 00:09:27,076
Oh, well, I'm a Dr. Crane.
I'm Niles' brother.

201
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,245
Oh, my gosh.

202
00:09:29,329 --> 00:09:32,540
You're Dr. Frasier Crane
from the radio, aren't you?

203
00:09:32,624 --> 00:09:36,670
-Oh, I love your show.
-Thank you.

204
00:09:37,462 --> 00:09:39,630
-Stephanie Garrett.
-Stephanie.

205
00:09:39,714 --> 00:09:42,591
You know, you are not gonna believe this,

206
00:09:42,675 --> 00:09:45,177
but when I was a freshman at Harvard,

207
00:09:45,261 --> 00:09:47,137
I saw you perform the Pirate King

208
00:09:47,221 --> 00:09:49,222
in their production of
<i>The Pirates of Penzance.</i>

209
00:09:49,306 --> 00:09:51,474
-Oh, my God.
-No, no, no, you were great.

210
00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:53,393
I mean, you were so good

211
00:09:53,477 --> 00:09:56,396
that I brought my husband
back to see you the next night.

212
00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:58,982
Well, I mean, he wasn't my husband then.

213
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,067
Well, actually, he's not my husband now.

214
00:10:01,151 --> 00:10:02,777
Oh, well, I'm glad to hear that.

215
00:10:02,861 --> 00:10:05,696
Oh, no. That you came back,
you know, the second time,

216
00:10:05,780 --> 00:10:08,240
not that you have an ex-husband.
You know, I have one too.

217
00:10:08,324 --> 00:10:10,659
Well, no…

218
00:10:10,743 --> 00:10:12,578
Ex-wife.

219
00:10:12,662 --> 00:10:15,748
-My God, is it getting warm in here?
-Yeah, a bit.

220
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:19,793
-Well, it was nice to meet you.
-Right.

221
00:10:19,877 --> 00:10:24,298
Wait. You know, Niles is
having a dinner party on Friday

222
00:10:24,382 --> 00:10:26,799
with some of his enchanting new neighbors.

223
00:10:26,883 --> 00:10:28,760
Is there a chance you could join us?

224
00:10:28,844 --> 00:10:31,638
Well, yes, I think I
could if Niles has room.

225
00:10:31,722 --> 00:10:33,307
The more the merrier.

226
00:10:33,932 --> 00:10:35,808
Well, then, see you then.

227
00:10:35,892 --> 00:10:38,812
-I'll look forward to it.
-As will I.

228
00:10:41,773 --> 00:10:43,024
Roz was right.

229
00:10:43,108 --> 00:10:45,944
When I stop looking for the
perfect woman, she lands in my lap.

230
00:10:46,028 --> 00:10:48,028
I hope you're comfortable
with that arrangement,

231
00:10:48,112 --> 00:10:50,740
because that's where
she'll be seated Friday night.

232
00:10:57,705 --> 00:11:00,374
NILES: Bon appétit. Bon appétit.

233
00:11:00,458 --> 00:11:03,158
-Now you try it, Baby. Bon appétit.
-BABY: Bon appétit.

234
00:11:03,878 --> 00:11:05,462
What a quick little study you are.

235
00:11:05,546 --> 00:11:09,050
Birdbrained, indeed. You already
know more French than my father.

236
00:11:09,841 --> 00:11:10,675
[DOOR BUZZES]

237
00:11:10,759 --> 00:11:12,218
[BABY SQUAWKING]

238
00:11:12,302 --> 00:11:13,427
Ooh.

239
00:11:13,511 --> 00:11:15,346
Boy, if you don't get
used to that doorbell,

240
00:11:15,430 --> 00:11:18,307
we're going to have to
give you a serious manicure.

241
00:11:18,391 --> 00:11:19,600
[DOOR BUZZES]

242
00:11:19,684 --> 00:11:22,854
Coming. I'm coming. Stop ringing.

243
00:11:24,981 --> 00:11:26,107
-Good evening.
-Hello.

244
00:11:26,191 --> 00:11:28,360
Or should I say, "Avast ye, matey"?

245
00:11:32,196 --> 00:11:35,573
I don't have time for your badinage.
I'm only just setting out my place cards.

246
00:11:35,657 --> 00:11:37,367
Place cards? Well, how elegant.

247
00:11:37,451 --> 00:11:40,370
-And who is Peter Soutendeck?
-He is on your right.

248
00:11:40,454 --> 00:11:42,497
He's an investment banker from Amsterdam.

249
00:11:42,581 --> 00:11:44,666
Apparently, he handles
a lot of Bill Gates' money,

250
00:11:44,750 --> 00:11:47,585
so don't say anything derogatory
about the Netherlands or Microsoft.

251
00:11:47,669 --> 00:11:49,004
Damn, there goes my opening joke

252
00:11:49,088 --> 00:11:52,466
about the Dutchman
trying to install Windows 95.

253
00:11:54,175 --> 00:11:56,010
Stephanie's over here.
I'm not next to her.

254
00:11:56,094 --> 00:11:59,013
See, Peter's bringing a date, so I
thought it would be better if you…

255
00:11:59,097 --> 00:12:01,557
-What are you doing?
-I'm putting Stephanie next to me.

256
00:12:01,641 --> 00:12:03,309
And throwing off my seating arrangement?

257
00:12:03,393 --> 00:12:05,644
Niles, surely you realize
that I've spent a long time

258
00:12:05,728 --> 00:12:07,479
looking for a woman like Stephanie.

259
00:12:07,563 --> 00:12:09,565
Now, if you really want
to impress these people,

260
00:12:09,649 --> 00:12:12,192
you've got to get a little
more atmosphere in the room.

261
00:12:12,276 --> 00:12:15,361
-I'll light a fire. You dim the lights.
-Oh, that's a good idea.

262
00:12:15,445 --> 00:12:18,031
By the way, be careful
with that fireplace.

263
00:12:18,115 --> 00:12:19,574
It can be a bit…

264
00:12:20,450 --> 00:12:21,868
[BABY SQUAWKING]

265
00:12:22,411 --> 00:12:24,204
FRASIER: I'm so sorry.

266
00:12:27,749 --> 00:12:29,959
Holding on a bit tight
there, Baby, aren't you?

267
00:12:30,043 --> 00:12:32,671
Okay, go to your perch. Go to your perch.

268
00:12:33,797 --> 00:12:35,715
Frasier, this bird's
holding onto my scalp.

269
00:12:35,799 --> 00:12:37,424
I… I can't pull it off.

270
00:12:37,508 --> 00:12:40,427
If you can pull off that jaunty beret
you wore to brunch last Sunday,

271
00:12:40,511 --> 00:12:41,678
you can pull anything off.

272
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,264
-I'm sorry. Let me try to help.
-All right, be careful.

273
00:12:44,348 --> 00:12:46,725
Let me see what I can do.
Maybe I can just get the legs.

274
00:12:46,809 --> 00:12:49,686
-Ow! Ow! Stop it! Stop it!
-It just doesn't… It's stuck.

275
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:51,063
Wait. I know. Get the lighter.

276
00:12:51,147 --> 00:12:53,648
Fire frightened it onto my
head, fire will frighten it off.

277
00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:55,484
Let's try that.

278
00:12:55,568 --> 00:12:56,985
[SQUAWKING]

279
00:12:57,069 --> 00:12:58,487
-It's not working.
-Yes, it is.

280
00:12:58,571 --> 00:13:00,447
-Stop it. Stop it.
-Oh, all right.

281
00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:04,322
-Oh, here, the phone.
-Oh, excellent, excellent, excellent.

282
00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:07,726
-Hop on, Baby, hop on.
-No, Niles, just call someone for help.

283
00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:13,501
And whom do you suggest
we call, a fez rental?

284
00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:16,462
Come on, Baby. Go to your perch.
Go to your food. Go to your bed.

285
00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:19,131
-Niles, don't panic. Try to stay calm.
-How can I stay calm?

286
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:20,466
I have six dinner guests arriving…

287
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:21,674
[DOOR BUZZES]

288
00:13:21,758 --> 00:13:23,260
Ow!

289
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:25,553
All right, listen.

290
00:13:25,637 --> 00:13:28,437
You go call the vet.
I will take care of things out here.

291
00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:34,646
-Oh, hello.
-Hello.

292
00:13:34,730 --> 00:13:36,356
Please come in.

293
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:40,568
-I'm not early, am I?
-No, no, not at all.

294
00:13:40,652 --> 00:13:44,738
-May I get you a drink?
-Yes, a white wine, please.

295
00:13:44,822 --> 00:13:47,616
-Oh, what a lovely table.
-Yes.

296
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:50,744
Yes, I noticed that we happen
to be sitting next to one another.

297
00:13:50,828 --> 00:13:54,874
Good. Then I won't have to
change the place cards around.

298
00:13:55,374 --> 00:13:58,335
Oh, well… To the girl next door.

299
00:13:58,419 --> 00:14:01,088
Well, actually, it's a
little further down the hall.

300
00:14:01,172 --> 00:14:04,674
Well, if you need a ride home
tonight, don't hesitate to ask.

301
00:14:04,758 --> 00:14:06,134
[DOOR BUZZES]

302
00:14:06,218 --> 00:14:07,469
NILES: Ow!

303
00:14:10,096 --> 00:14:11,347
What was that?

304
00:14:11,431 --> 00:14:14,600
Well, I'm afraid Niles probably
burned himself on something.

305
00:14:14,684 --> 00:14:17,020
Don't worry. He'll be fine.

306
00:14:17,521 --> 00:14:20,898
Hello. Oh, please, do come in.
I'm Frasier Crane, Niles' brother.

307
00:14:20,982 --> 00:14:24,694
I'm Carol Larkin. My husband Alfred.
This is our niece, Well a.

308
00:14:24,778 --> 00:14:27,904
A pleasure. Well a.
Nice to see you. Welcome.

309
00:14:27,988 --> 00:14:29,573
Please make yourselves comfortable.

310
00:14:29,657 --> 00:14:34,745
I'm just going to run into the
kitchen and check on the bird.

311
00:14:36,956 --> 00:14:39,749
So you've seen this sort of thing before.
I see.

312
00:14:39,833 --> 00:14:42,544
-All right, well, thank you.
-What did he say?

313
00:14:42,628 --> 00:14:46,465
Well, he thinks she was traumatized
by the fire and went into a kind of shock.

314
00:14:46,549 --> 00:14:49,592
He said we shouldn't try to force her off.
We need to relax her.

315
00:14:49,676 --> 00:14:53,053
Fine, you take care of that. I've got
the future Mrs. Crane in the other room.

316
00:14:53,137 --> 00:14:54,930
-How do I relax this bird?
-I don't know.

317
00:14:55,014 --> 00:14:56,849
Try delivering that
keynote speech you gave

318
00:14:56,933 --> 00:14:59,435
at the Psychiatric
Association last spring.

319
00:14:59,519 --> 00:15:00,895
Everything all right out here?

320
00:15:00,979 --> 00:15:03,272
-Will Dr. Crane be joining us soon?
-Oh, yes, I believe so.

321
00:15:03,356 --> 00:15:04,690
Any minute now.

322
00:15:04,774 --> 00:15:05,900
[DOOR BUZZES]

323
00:15:05,984 --> 00:15:08,986
-NILES: Ow!
-Oh, dear, is something wrong?

324
00:15:09,070 --> 00:15:14,324
I keep telling him, "Get yourself a
decent oven mitt," but, you know…

325
00:15:15,826 --> 00:15:18,870
Hello. Please come in.
I'm Frasier, Niles' brother.

326
00:15:18,954 --> 00:15:20,914
-Peter Soutendeck.
-Peter.

327
00:15:20,998 --> 00:15:23,082
-This is Elaine Hensley.
-Elaine.

328
00:15:23,166 --> 00:15:25,210
Actually, your brother
and I are well acquainted.

329
00:15:25,294 --> 00:15:28,046
Maris is a dear, dear friend of mine.

330
00:15:28,130 --> 00:15:29,881
-Really?
-Yes.

331
00:15:29,965 --> 00:15:31,633
So where is Niles?

332
00:15:31,717 --> 00:15:34,593
Well, actually, he's in the
kitchen preparing dinner.

333
00:15:34,677 --> 00:15:37,262
He's favoring us tonight
with a lovely pheasant.

334
00:15:37,346 --> 00:15:38,639
[BABY SQUAWKS]

335
00:15:40,266 --> 00:15:43,644
As you know, he is a
stickler for freshness.

336
00:15:47,356 --> 00:15:49,275
Oh, what now?

337
00:15:52,278 --> 00:15:55,322
I'm trying to pretend like
it's night so it'll fall asleep.

338
00:15:57,449 --> 00:15:58,783
Well, you look very cute.

339
00:15:59,117 --> 00:16:01,244
BABY: Cute but stupid.

340
00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:04,705
Listen, I can't stall them much longer.
They're starting to ask questions.

341
00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:06,541
The Dutchman's date even knows Maris.

342
00:16:06,625 --> 00:16:09,335
-What? Who'd he bring?
-An Elaine somebody.

343
00:16:09,419 --> 00:16:11,379
Well, which Elaine?
Maris knows three Elaines.

344
00:16:11,463 --> 00:16:14,090
Oh, I don't know.
She's very thin, she's exquisitely dressed

345
00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:15,424
and dripping with attitude.

346
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:17,551
Oh, like that narrows it down.

347
00:16:24,099 --> 00:16:27,102
I was afraid of that. It's the bad Elaine.

348
00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:28,645
Maris' oldest friend.

349
00:16:28,729 --> 00:16:31,064
Nothing would delight her
more than report back to Maris

350
00:16:31,148 --> 00:16:33,548
that I threw a soiree with
a cockatoo on my head.

351
00:16:34,693 --> 00:16:36,153
BABY: Bon appétit.

352
00:16:36,528 --> 00:16:39,947
-What was that?
-Bon appétit.

353
00:16:40,031 --> 00:16:43,451
Crab puffs for everyone. Bon appétit.

354
00:16:45,953 --> 00:16:48,205
At which point, the
woman said to Churchill:

355
00:16:48,289 --> 00:16:52,251
"Sir, if you were my husband, I
would put poison in your coffee."

356
00:16:52,335 --> 00:16:54,170
To which Churchill saucily replied,

357
00:16:54,587 --> 00:16:58,549
"Madam, if you were
my wife, I would drink it."

358
00:17:00,550 --> 00:17:03,136
Perhaps you've heard that story.

359
00:17:03,220 --> 00:17:06,306
Yes. From Churchill.

360
00:17:10,185 --> 00:17:12,396
Well, can I freshen anyone's drink?

361
00:17:14,773 --> 00:17:17,192
Perhaps I'll just bring the bottle around.

362
00:17:19,027 --> 00:17:22,195
I didn't realize that you were
gonna have to play host all night.

363
00:17:22,279 --> 00:17:24,323
I mean, we've hardly had a chance to talk,

364
00:17:24,407 --> 00:17:26,908
and I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to make it an early night.

365
00:17:26,992 --> 00:17:28,076
-Oh, no, really?
-Yes,

366
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:31,079
I'm leaving for Paris
first thing in the morning,

367
00:17:31,163 --> 00:17:35,459
and I was really hoping that
we could spend some time alone.

368
00:17:35,710 --> 00:17:37,336
And so we shall.

369
00:17:37,420 --> 00:17:39,212
As of this moment,
it's just the two of us.

370
00:17:39,296 --> 00:17:41,381
I'm completely at your
disposal just after this.

371
00:17:41,465 --> 00:17:43,966
Elaine, can I get you something?

372
00:17:44,050 --> 00:17:46,594
Actually, I just thought I'd
see what Niles is up to in there.

373
00:17:46,678 --> 00:17:48,012
Perhaps I could be of some help.

374
00:17:48,096 --> 00:17:50,598
Well, you know, you could pour the wine.

375
00:17:50,682 --> 00:17:52,058
What are you doing now?

376
00:17:52,142 --> 00:17:53,976
You're ruining my chances with Stephanie.

377
00:17:54,060 --> 00:17:57,272
Yes, that was my first concern too. Toss.

378
00:17:59,399 --> 00:18:01,317
You can't abandon me
just because you're hoping

379
00:18:01,401 --> 00:18:03,694
Stephanie's as horny as you are.
You've got to help me.

380
00:18:03,778 --> 00:18:06,404
I suggest that first you get to
the vet and have that removed.

381
00:18:06,488 --> 00:18:08,865
Are you mad? I can't walk
in there with this on my head.

382
00:18:08,949 --> 00:18:11,117
I'd be the laughingstock of the Montana.

383
00:18:11,201 --> 00:18:12,994
You can't spend all night in the kitchen.

384
00:18:13,078 --> 00:18:15,997
Frasier, these people live for gossip.
I've only been here three days.

385
00:18:16,081 --> 00:18:18,375
Already I know that Peter's
a letch and Carol's a lush.

386
00:18:18,459 --> 00:18:20,210
What do you think they'll say about me?

387
00:18:20,294 --> 00:18:21,920
I've spent 45 minutes with these people.

388
00:18:22,004 --> 00:18:23,797
They happen to be
very kind, understanding,

389
00:18:23,881 --> 00:18:26,631
and I think they'll be very
sympathetic to your problem.

390
00:18:27,009 --> 00:18:28,342
-Really?
-Yes.

391
00:18:28,426 --> 00:18:30,719
-You don't think they'd laugh at me?
-No, I don't.

392
00:18:30,803 --> 00:18:31,929
But if you stay in here,

393
00:18:32,013 --> 00:18:35,513
they'll think you're rude, ill-mannered,
and dare I say it, a bad host.

394
00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:37,935
Very well. I'll go out there.

395
00:18:38,019 --> 00:18:41,147
But if they ridicule me,
let it be on your head.

396
00:18:44,192 --> 00:18:48,278
Everyone, excuse me.
There's been a little mishap.

397
00:18:48,362 --> 00:18:50,655
Niles is going to have
to go to the doctor.

398
00:18:50,739 --> 00:18:55,368
It's nothing serious, he just
has to have something removed.

399
00:18:56,077 --> 00:18:57,329
Niles.

400
00:18:59,956 --> 00:19:03,710
You see, his bird
suffered a kind of trauma

401
00:19:03,794 --> 00:19:05,378
and has attached itself to the scalp,

402
00:19:05,462 --> 00:19:08,131
and we were just thinking that
we'd hate to cancel dinner, but…

403
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:10,174
Frasier, this isn't necessary.
Let's just go.

404
00:19:10,258 --> 00:19:12,718
Good evening, everyone.
I'm very sorry for all of this.

405
00:19:12,802 --> 00:19:17,305
Niles, you mean all this time you were
hiding in there because of your bird?

406
00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:18,849
Oh, you poor thing.

407
00:19:18,933 --> 00:19:23,145
You know, the same thing happened
to my mother once, only with her cat.

408
00:19:23,229 --> 00:19:25,147
Now, that was a sight.

409
00:19:25,773 --> 00:19:29,151
Who hasn't had an
embarrassing moment at a party?

410
00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:32,571
Look, I've just spilled wine on my dress.

411
00:19:34,322 --> 00:19:35,698
This is such a relief.

412
00:19:35,782 --> 00:19:38,576
I must say, I feel a little silly
for staying in there so long.

413
00:19:38,660 --> 00:19:40,494
Are you in any pain?

414
00:19:40,578 --> 00:19:45,458
No, no, as long as no one
rings the doorbell, I'm fine.

415
00:19:45,542 --> 00:19:47,793
Well, you know, Niles, you
seem to be relaxing a bit.

416
00:19:47,877 --> 00:19:49,295
Maybe the bird will relax and…

417
00:19:49,379 --> 00:19:51,088
Should we give this another minute or two?

418
00:19:51,172 --> 00:19:52,923
ALL: Yes.

419
00:19:53,007 --> 00:19:56,093
Well, all right then, who needs more wine?

420
00:19:56,885 --> 00:19:59,763
Alfred, wine for you.

421
00:19:59,847 --> 00:20:04,184
And would anyone like cheese or a cracker?

422
00:20:04,268 --> 00:20:07,437
No, no, Baby, guests first.

423
00:20:08,146 --> 00:20:10,315
Oh, Carol, that dress
is absolutely smashing.

424
00:20:10,399 --> 00:20:13,944
-Why, thank you.
-BABY: Carol's a lush.

425
00:20:16,238 --> 00:20:18,572
Did the bird just say something?

426
00:20:18,656 --> 00:20:19,865
It sounded like it said…

427
00:20:19,949 --> 00:20:21,868
BABY: Carol's a lush.

428
00:20:22,660 --> 00:20:26,121
Where would a bird
learn a phrase like that?

429
00:20:26,205 --> 00:20:28,541
Birds today.

430
00:20:30,751 --> 00:20:33,001
You just don't know
where they pick things up.

431
00:20:33,087 --> 00:20:35,380
Well, shall we all
join Peter at the table?

432
00:20:35,464 --> 00:20:37,300
BABY: Peter's a letch.

433
00:20:38,885 --> 00:20:41,010
-What did you say?
-I said, let's all sit down.

434
00:20:41,094 --> 00:20:43,012
BABY: Peter's a letch.

435
00:20:43,096 --> 00:20:44,639
Is this your idea of a joke?

436
00:20:44,723 --> 00:20:47,350
I've had quite enough of this.
Come along, Carol.

437
00:20:47,434 --> 00:20:48,684
No, please, people, don't go.

438
00:20:48,768 --> 00:20:50,436
I did not teach the bird these phrases.

439
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,271
I don't know where it picked them up.

440
00:20:52,355 --> 00:20:53,898
You'll stay, won't you, Stephanie?

441
00:20:53,982 --> 00:20:56,735
BABY: Stephanie's horny.

442
00:20:58,153 --> 00:21:03,198
Oh, my God, is that what you've
been saying about me behind my back?

443
00:21:03,282 --> 00:21:05,534
No, I never said that about you.
I said it about me.

444
00:21:05,618 --> 00:21:07,911
I'm the horny one.
All I said was, you're very cute.

445
00:21:07,995 --> 00:21:09,622
Cute but stupid.

446
00:21:13,167 --> 00:21:17,170
Well, thank you both
for a wonderful evening.

447
00:21:17,254 --> 00:21:19,089
-Good night.
-Please let me explain.

448
00:21:19,173 --> 00:21:22,008
I know we got off on the wrong foot,
but we are going to be neighbors…

449
00:21:22,092 --> 00:21:23,843
[DOOR BUZZES]

450
00:21:29,974 --> 00:21:34,270
-Well, thank you very much.
-Oh, please.

451
00:21:34,354 --> 00:21:37,064
-I've lost far more than you did.
-Oh, really?

452
00:21:37,148 --> 00:21:40,025
I've lost the most promising
romantic prospect I've had in years.

453
00:21:40,109 --> 00:21:43,904
What have you lost? The respect
of a posh lush and a Dutch letch.

454
00:21:43,988 --> 00:21:45,822
Try repeating that, Baby.

455
00:21:47,658 --> 00:21:49,493
All right.

456
00:21:50,202 --> 00:21:52,371
I apologize.

457
00:21:53,705 --> 00:21:55,498
Thank you.

458
00:21:55,582 --> 00:21:57,917
Perhaps I can drive you to the vet now.

459
00:21:58,001 --> 00:21:59,961
Maybe we should take the service elevator.

460
00:22:00,045 --> 00:22:01,170
Oh, what's the point?

461
00:22:01,254 --> 00:22:04,090
I don't think my reputation can
suffer any more than it already has.

462
00:22:04,174 --> 00:22:07,677
I wouldn't be so sure about that,
wearing a white bird after Labor Day.