[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Go ahead, Tom. I'm listening.
TOM: Hi, Doctor Crane. Uh, it's about my girlfriend.
My problem is, I don't know if I love her for herself
or because things are so great between us physically.
-How long have you two been together? -Six years.
And the sex is still that good?
Oh, man, Dr. Crane, every morning, night, three times a day on weekends.
I'm not sure we have much else in common.
Well, common interests are of course the foundations of…
Three times, you say?
Is that abnormal?
Well, no, no, it's not abnormal.
It's not fair, but it's not abnormal.
Perhaps you share more things than you think you do, actually.
-[PHONE RINGS] -I'll tell you what, try this:
Why don't you pick up a catalog from the local university, go through it with her,
and see if there are any courses you'd like to take together.
That's a good idea. Thanks, Doc. Have a great weekend.
Well, I'd wish you the same, but it hardly seems necessary.
Well, that's it for today, Seattle.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all good mental health.
Niles called from the airport.
He wants you to call him back. He sounded frantic.
I'll call him from the car.
Yes, he's flying to a conference in Switzerland.
-I promised to talk him through it. -Well, surely he's flown before.
-Well, not coach. -Oh.
Roz, is this the dress you're wearing to the wedding?
I have to. I'm a bridesmaid.
Is there a reason it has to be so…
Hideous?
It's supposed to be.
So that way the bride, by comparison, will glow.
Next to this baby, she'll light up like a bug zapper.
You know, of all my friends in Wisconsin,
this girl's the last one I thought would beat me to the altar.
Not the dairy state's comeliest chunk of cheddar?
Let's just say she works in her father's ice cream parlor
and she eats her mistakes.
The groom's family makes cones.
Oh, well, we don't need Freud for that, do we?
Oh, the whole thing is just so depressing.
Lately everyone I know is settling down, getting married, having children.
What am I doing wrong?
Well, do you want me to answer as a friend or a therapist?
As a friend.
See a therapist.
Frasier…
Well, Roz, I think your whole problem stems from some unresolved issues
that cause you to choose the men you date.
Always flashy and superficial, offering no prospect of a lasting relationship.
Why would I do that?
Maybe fear of commitment, fear of being hurt.
But maybe it's time you started looking at different kinds of men.
You know, men who are more settled.
A little less flash and more substance.
You're probably right, Frasier.
You know, if I were smart, I'd go out with the next guy I see
I'm not the least bit attracted to.
Roz, Roz, I just bit my tongue. Can you kiss it and make it better?
The next one after him.
Oh, Doc, Doc, here's my video camera.
Oh, thank you, Bulldog.
-What you need it for? -Well, I'm gonna record my father.
I wanna have his life on tape, so that Frederick can enjoy it
-in the years to come. -ROZ: What a good idea.
Whoa! That's the ugliest thing I ever saw!
-I'm going to a wedding. -Oh, I love weddings.
Never been to a wedding where I didn't bag at least one bridesmaid.
And the uglier the dress, the quicker they wanna get out of them.
This one would hit the floor before the rice.
I gotta get going.
Can you believe I actually have to be seen in public in this thing?
Well, Roz, it's only for a few hours.
After that, you can donate it to the Salvation Army
and one day make some Irish drag queen very happy.
NILES: What's the point of Switzerland without spending a day on the slopes?
So I ducked out of the conference and who should I run into but Maris.
She'd just flown in for her yearly goat placenta treatments.
Good Lord, is it placenta treatment time again already?
We had a set-to on the slopes.
She ran. I tried to follow her tracks in the snow, but, alas, she made none.
Oh, dear.
-What is it? What's the matter? -I just spotted someone.
It's my least favorite patient.
The man is a compulsive womanizer. He goes through so many women,
he calls them all by the same odious nickname, "sunshine," to avoid slip-ups.
Oh, God.
Frasier, what do you do when you don't like a patient?
Well, it's a tricky subject, isn't it?
How long you been seeing him?
Six months. We've made no progress whatsoever.
Sometimes I feel he comes in not so much for help as to brag.
He claims to have been with, at last count, 150 women.
Oh, please, 150…
As if anything over, say, seven weren't absurd.
Well, I would say 11, but I get your point.
Oh, now serving 151.
[GASPS] Oh, God, he's here to see Roz?
Yes, well, no doubt they met when Sealy Posturepedic named them
"Man and Woman of the Year."
Niles, you don't understand.
She's been very vulnerable lately.
Oh, I hope you'll forgive me if I don't stick around.
I'd like to leave before she makes introductions.
I've got to warn her.
Warn her, how?
What I told you was in strict confidence, therapist-to-therapist.
-You can't go repeating it. -But…
-No. -Well, oh, all right, all right,
of course you're right. But…
That is the last man that Roz should be with.
Don't worry. Knowing Roz, he won't be.
-Hey, Frasier. -Oh, Roz.
I'd like to introduce you to someone. This is Ben Collins.
Frasier Crane. Pleasure.
-Likewise. -Is it all right if we join you?
-Oh, why not? -I'll grab our coffees.
Great.
He is the greatest guy.
You know, when I first met him, I thought, he's not my type.
Then I remembered what you said,
and I'm so glad you gave me that advice, Frasier,
because without it I would have never given him a second look.
Well, Roz, let's not rule out that all-important third look.
Would you stop worrying about me, Frasier?
This one's different. I can tell he really cares about me.
Here you go, sunshine.
Why can't you be like other dogs?
Why can't you bring home bones or animals you kill?
Give me those. Relax.
I'm just gonna put them with the roses you picked yesterday.
Oh, hey, Dad, fresh from your walk?
I think now might be as good a time as any to crank up the old camcorder.
No, maybe later.
Oh, Dad, hey, you've been saying no for weeks now.
Oh, gee, some people would take that for a hint.
All you have to do is just sit here and talk about your life.
Life's got nothing to do with it.
This is about me dying and you having something to look at after I'm dead.
The whole thing gives me the creeps.
Well, I can't believe you're refusing to record your history.
A story that only you, Martin Crane, can tell. Because it gives you the creeps.
Okay, then, I'll tell you the real truth.
My Indian heritage forbids it.
I'm afraid your magic box will rob me of my spirit.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I don't know why you're being so negative about this.
It's not really for when you're dead. It's for when you've lost your mind.
-Hey, Frasier. -Oh, hello, Roz.
Why, after waiting for 45 minutes,
did I assume you'd forgotten our appointment?
Sorry, but now I was on my way out, and Ben called.
Oh, yes, Ben.
Oh, what's with you?
Every time I bring him up, you make that face.
I'm getting the sense that you don't like him that much.
It's just that I know something about Ben.
What?
Well, he's a little old for you.
-He's 36. -Exactly my point.
When you were a freshman, he was a senior. That never works out.
-I'm getting my briefcase. -I'll go get a Coke.
Oh, hey, Daphne.
-Oh, hello, Roz. How are you? -Okay.
Can I ask you something?
-Does Frasier seem weird to you? -Oh, God, yes.
I didn't even finish my question yet.
Yes, well, when you know the answer, it's hard not to hit the buzzer.
[ROZ LAUGHS]
Well, this is strange.
I mean, for the first time in years, I'm in a really solid relationship.
And instead of being happy for me, Frasier seems upset.
Well, that is odd.
Unless…
Unless what?
Well, Dr. Crane is jealous of Ben because he wants you for himself.
Huh?
-Oh, no, no! -Yes!
-What else would it be? -No, Frasier?
What? You really think so? Daphne, no! No way! No, he doesn't.
Frasier is the one who told me to find myself a new boyfriend.
Someone who was settled, someone more nurturing,
someone with substance over flash.
They could put that on Dr. Crane's tombstone.
-Oh, come on. No way. -Well, wait, there's something else.
What?
I probably shouldn't tell you this, but earlier this morning,
Dr. Crane was on the phone with his brother,
and he said that your relationship with Ben was driving him crazy.
And that he was dying to tell you, but he can't.
Oh, my God! Did you hear him say that?
-I certainly did. -Oh, this is too weird.
This is too weird. What am I gonna say? Maybe I don't have to say anything.
Maybe he'll just see how happy I am with Ben.
Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben!
My God, would you just drop it with Ben for a minute and pay some attention to me!
Okay.
-Good morning, Roz. -Hi, Frasier.
Hey, you look lovely. That outfit is very flattering.
-Thanks. -You know, I think this calls for a hug.
Oh, I don't look that good.
No, no, no, Roz, look, my God, the ratings are in,
and we did better in our time slot this week than ever before.
-Wonderful. -I mean, congratulations, partner!
Say, you know, why don't we have dinner tonight and celebrate?
That sounds so fun, but I kind of have plans.
Well, should've known.
-Well, another time perhaps. -Yeah, sure. That sounds great.
Yo, Doc? When are you gonna return my video camera?
I got a hot date tonight, and I wanna record certain events for posterity,
if you know what I mean.
Uh, tomorrow, Bulldog.
Well, maybe tonight you could just have a police sketch artist
crouch on your balcony.
So, Mom, let me ask you something.
How long did you know Dad before you told him you loved him?
Mom? Mom?
Mom, you've been divorced 15 years. Let it go.
Listen, Ben is coming over to dinner tonight,
and I think I'm gonna tell him I love him.
-I have to get to work. Bye. -Oh, I'm sorry, Roz.
-I should've knocked. -It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
But I couldn't help overhearing the last part of your conversation there,
and you think maybe you're not rushing things a little with Ben?
I mean, are you really that serious?
Yes, I am.
Yes, but, you know, there are a lot of other men in the world.
And lots of women too.
Well, that's more of a personal preference, but if that…
I meant for you.
Look, Frasier, what I'm trying to say is,
I know you have a problem with me and Ben,
but we're happy together.
Well, it's you've only been going out for a month.
Well, sometimes that's all it takes. Fifteen seconds.
Listen, Frasier, I'd like to think
there's some small part of you that's happy for me.
After all, it was your advice that got me this far.
-Of course I'm happy for you. -Thanks.
Me and my stupid advice…
Will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle.
I'm not doing it. It's morbid.
It's not morbid, and besides, if you don't do it,
the only footage we'll have of you in the family archives is you pretending
your stomach was a face that summer at the lake.
All right, Niles, if it'll shut you up, I'll do it.
Thanks, Dad. We'll make this quick and easy.
-Is that what you're wearing? -Forget it.
No, no, no, here we go. Here we go.
-[MARTIN SIGHS] -Okay.
My name's Martin Crane.
When I made this tape, I was 64 years old.
But now I'm dead.
Trapped in a box underground. [CHUCKLES]
Pretty scary, huh?
Dad, surely you must have some message
you want to leave for the Cranes of the 21st century.
All right, all right, I do. [CLEARS THROAT]
Remember to always work hard and that family comes first.
And…
I have a million bucks in unmarked bills that I took off a drug dealer
that I have stashed in my old Army footlocker.
The combination is left 15, right 32,
le… [GROANING]
Future generations, see what I had to put up with?
-Hello. -Hello.
I suppose this means we're finished.
Well, unless you want future generations to see me go to the can.
Niles, actually, I'm glad you're here. I have to talk to you about Roz.
No, I breached my ethics once already. I'm not doing it again.
-Things have gotten desperate. -No, no, no.
Niles, she plans to tell him that she loves him tonight.
And given what you've told me about Ben's patterns,
that will be the end of it and Roz will be shattered.
There has got to be some loophole in this confidentiality rule
that will allow me to warn her and still preserve your ethics.
Niles, help me go through these textbooks.
-No, I'll have no part of this. -Please, Niles, think of Roz!
-I'm thinking of my license. -Well, then think of what Freud said:
"We are never so helplessly unhappy as when we lose love."
Oh, all right.
But that was dirty pool using a Freud quotation.
I'm sorry.
-That was the Crane boys' Kryptonite. -I know. I know.
Thank you.
Say, here's a possibility.
According to this, it says we can warn her if he plans to do her bodily harm.
-Does he? -No.
Damn!
It'd be so much easier if Roz were mentally incompetent.
Go on.
Well, then there'd be some justification for protecting her.
Is she irrational?
She did attack a vending machine once,
when a Twinkie came out of the Yodel chute.
-Borderline. Borderline. -Yeah, yeah.
Has she ever acted delusional?
She often claims that she's responsible for the success of our show.
-Building, building. -All right, all right, look.
Does she display below-average intelligence?
She once ordered a bottle of white zinfandel.
Jackpot!
Go to her. She's a threat to herself.
Amazing they even let the woman drive.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-ROZ: Who is it? -It's Frasier.
[GASPS]
Oh, my God, what happened?
He dumped me, Frasier.
Oh, honey.
-Oh, God. -Come here. Oh, God.
Everything was going great until I said, "I love you, Ben."
And then he got this look on his face like he'd taken a wrong turn
in a really bad neighborhood.
He didn't even touch his champagne.
Oh, I'm… I'm sorry, Roz. Uh…
-Here. Mm-hmm. -Thank you.
-When you… -[SNORTS]
When you professed your love for him, were you dressed like that?
No.
After he left, I went in to change,
and I saw all these old bridesmaid dresses hanging in the closet.
That's when it hit me, that's what I am: a bridesmaid.
I might as well wear the uniform.
Oh, Roz, no, no, no. There, come on, come on.
Now, look, look, you know, I find that whenever I'm low,
it always lifts my spirits when I just spruce up a bit.
It wouldn't hurt to run a brush through your hair or through your teeth.
Oh, God!
I must look awful.
Well, no, no, not at all.
You're a big fat liar.
But you were right about Ben and I just didn't see it.
What made you come over here anyway?
Well, actually, I was…
Coming over to take one last stab at convincing you
that Ben was the wrong man for you.
You deserve someone better, Roz.
Oh, yeah. I'm a real catch.
Hell.
Look, Roz…
Things really aren't as dark as they seem.
You know, you're a beautiful, intelligent, desirable…
Let me just take a stab at that, will you?
I can't imagine any man not thinking himself
the luckiest in the world to be with you.
You really do think that, don't you?
Yes. I'm surprised you even have to ask that.
I guess I didn't.
I've known that you've had these romantic feelings toward me for a while.
-What? -Oh, come on.
Don't deny it.
Those hints about finding someone with substance over style.
And the way you hated Ben.
And then Daphne told me she overheard you telling Niles
that you couldn't stop thinking about me and wanted to tell me the truth.
-Daphne told you that? -Yeah, don't be mad at her.
Well, no, no, I'm not. It's just that when she…
No, it's okay, Frasier. I'm glad she told me.
The only thing keeping me from completely falling apart right now
is knowing that someone like you could be interested in me.
Well, then, there's…
No point in denying it, is there?
You know, maybe the idea of you and me isn't so crazy.
You are the kind of man I should be with. Smart, gentle…
-Ow! I said gentle. -Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Roz, uh, you know, it's just that there are so many…
I know. I know.
-Workplace romances always fail. -Exactly my point.
And I'm on the rebound.
-I've gotta give myself time to heal. -Yes, yes, lots of time.
On the other hand, you are the one who always says that
the best relationships start with friendship, aren't you?
I do say that. Yes, it's true, but…
Well, we are friends, aren't we?
We're very good friends.
Right now we are both free.
Well, in my case… painfully free.
You know, maybe if we…
Both went into it with our eyes open…
-No, what am I saying? -Roz, I…
-This is really crazy. -Roz, Roz…
My relationship with you is probably the healthiest one I've ever had with a man.
-Well, you know… -I don't wanna screw that up.
Now that you mention it, it's… My relationship with you
is probably the best one I've ever had with a woman.
Not that it's been much of a horse race, but…
To friendship.
Here's hoping the next time you tell a man you love him, he says it back.
Well, let's see.
I love you, Frasier.
I love you too, Roz.
-You gonna be all right? -Yeah.
Well, I'd better run.
Yeah, my saying I love you seems to have that effect on men.
No, no, no, I'll… I'll stay if you like.
No, no, don't you worry about me. I will not be alone.
I will be sliding into a hot tub with my good friends Ben & Jerry.
-See you tomorrow, Roz. -See you, Frasier.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night, everybody!