[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-Hey, Daphne, you seen Eddie? -No, I haven't.
It just doesn't feel right to start the day without him licking me awake.
Well, don't look at me.
Morning, all. Daphne, I got treats.
-What the hell you doing with him? -We went for a walk.
I'm talking to Eddie.
When I saw what a beautiful day it was today, I headed for the park.
Of course the only people in the park this hour of the morning without dogs
are winos and that guy who washes his hair in the fountain.
He says hello, by the way.
It is sort of nice out, isn't it?
"Sort of" nice? My God, haven't you people noticed this?
It's incredible! Dad, you should feel this.
It's 80 degrees outside, and it's the middle of February.
Oh, it is beautiful. And in the middle of such a terrible winter.
Oh, I love nature's little aberrations.
Warm days in winter, four-leaf clovers, Australians.
Yes, it is glorious.
It defies you not to take a moment to acknowledge the power that created it.
Thank you, global warming!
Hey, Frasier, think your guy down at the liquor store could send a bottle of Scotch
to my buddy Jimmy in Montana?
Sure, Dad. What's the occasion?
Today's his 16th birthday.
Oh, well, then you'll want to throw in a hooker, too, won't you?
[CHUCKLES]
-No, don't you get it? It's February 29th. -Mm.
-It's a leap year. -Right.
See, he only gets a birthday every four years.
-I get it, Dad. -He's really 64.
I can do the math.
He's having a big shindig tonight.
A lot of guys from the force fly in for it.
Everybody drinks a lot of beer and then they have a contest
to see who's got the biggest scar.
This year, I had a real good chance of winning
now that Shark-Bait O'Reilly's finally died.
So, why aren't you going?
Yeah, Dad. You should go.
Eh, Montana's too far away.
Well, Dad, this birthday only comes around once every four years.
Matter of fact, this day only comes around once every four years.
Huh.
You know, it's like a free day, a gift.
We should do something special. Be bold.
It's leap year. Take a leap.
You know, I was just about to say the same thing to you.
Your son's right. You shouldn't be afraid to shake up your routine a little bit.
Hey, I don't see you taking any big leaps today.
If there was something I wanted to do, I would do it.
You're always whining about wanting to change your hair.
[WHINING] I don't whine.
[IMITATING DAPHNE] "I'm so sick of me hair.
"Do you think I should get it cut like Princess Di?"
"Ooh, do you think that'd make me cheeks look too fat?"
That reminds me of the craziest thing me Grammy Moon used to say."
I'll pay for the damn haircut if you'll stop yakking and just do it.
Yes, well, I'll pay for you to go to Montana.
It's not the one next to New Hampshire, is it?
No. And Dad can pay for his own trip.
All right then. And I can pay for me own haircut.
All right, Dad, back in your court. Are you up to the leap year challenge?
Nah.
Dad, Jimmy's already 16.
How many more birthdays is he going to have?
You know, I would kind of hate not being there
when Jimmy brings out the big ham.
Oh. All right, what the hell? I'll go. I'll call the airlines after breakfast.
That's the spirit!
Hey, what's your big leap year challenge?
-[DOORBELL RINGS] -I'm singing "Buttons and Bows" tonight
at the PBS pledge drive.
You've sung that same stupid song for the last three years.
Yes, but I'm doing something remarkably fresh and different with it this year.
-You're just blowing smoke, aren't you? -Like a 56 Rambler.
-Good morning, Niles. -Good?
It's glorious, heaven-sent. And you know why?
Maris called. She wants to get together with me this evening.
Oh, Niles, that's wonderful news.
It's high time you and Maris talked through your problems.
She doesn't want to talk. When she says "get together,"
she means in the "you wear the crème fraîche, I'll lick it off" sense.
She's cleared her schedule from 7:00 till 7:30.
That means foreplay and cuddling.
Niles, remember when you were a kid and your mother and I wouldn't discuss
the Cuban Missile Crisis in front of you 'cause we knew it'd give you bad dreams?
Yes.
It's a two-way street.
Mm.
Oh.
-Breakfast, Dr. Crane? -Uh, yes, thank you, Daphne.
Niles, I don't mind telling you I'm a little bit concerned about this.
Maris claps her hands, you come running?
Well, don't forget there's a little something for me in this too.
I haven't had sex in six months.
Surely you're exaggerating. You've only been separated for three.
And your point would be?
You really want to sacrifice your self-respect for a roll in the hay?
Substitute a 16th-century giltwood fainting couch for hay and watch me roll.
Niles, you and Maris have not sat down and discussed your problems.
As a psychiatrist, you know that sex will only cloud the issues.
You don't realize how desperate I am.
Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.
Oh, Niles.
Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists.
Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not getting any.
Will you at least think about what I've said?
I can't. She's leaving for Europe in the morning,
so I have a very small window of opportunity.
Niles, you know I'm right.
You don't want me to have sex 'cause you're not having any.
I most certainly am too.
Oh, your lips say yes, but your cuticles speak volumes.
-Niles… -Oh, you're right.
I'll tell her no.
-It's not going to be easy, though. -Of course not.
Just don't think about sex.
Would you like me to butter your buns for you, Dr. Crane?
[CLATTERING]
Grandma in a teddy.
Thank you.
♪ You're all mine in buttons and bows ♪
Oh, God, it must be PBS pledge time again.
Mm-hm.
Roz, it is a wonderful day.
I think the entire city of Seattle is convinced it's springtime.
I was walking down the street. I passed a pet store
and in the window, I could see two snakes doing a mating dance.
If you ask me, celebrating a dance that brings more snakes into the world
is like toasting a law school graduation.
Well, I can see the unseasonable sunshine has done nothing to improve your mood.
Well, how would you feel if you just lost the love of your life?
Well, alimony aside, I found it rather liberating.
My car wouldn't start, so I had to take the bus.
And we're all crowded on there, when suddenly I smell Lagerfeld
and I look up and there he is.
Karl Lagerfeld?
His name is Gary. I don't know his last name.
Anyway, we got to talking and we were really connecting.
I started to believe in kismet.
And all of a sudden, people wanna get off the bus, and I'm in their way.
So I get off to let them out, and before I can get back on, the damn bus drives off.
Out of my life forever.
I'm sure another one would've come along in ten minutes or so.
-I'm talking about the guy. -So am I.
You don't get it, Frasier.
I mean, I really felt this guy was the one.
Well, if you really want to try to find him again,
we do reach half a million listeners.
Why don't you just tell your story on the air?
On the air? Oh, I couldn't do that. It'd make me look pathetic.
Oh, it's too bizarre. It's too needy.
-It's 2:00. -Oh, my God!
A glorious good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
I'm thinking a lot today about leap year.
Today is February 29th, and although it isn't an official holiday,
perhaps it could be looked upon as one in a metaphorical sense.
Just as Christmas reminds us to be generous of spirit,
so leap year reminds us to take a "leap" in our own lives.
To be bold, to try something new.
Too often we shrink from doing things we want to,
held back by, oh, appearing foolish perhaps.
Roz?
Is there anything you would like to say before we start taking calls?
No.
I'm reminded of a quotation by John Greenleaf Whittier,
"For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these:
'It might have been.' "
Roz?
No.
Did you know that a woman over the age of 30
has less chance of getting married
than of being killed in a terrorist attack?
This is to Gary.
I was on the number 7 bus around noon,
and you were a stockbroker with a tan briefcase and a cleft chin.
And the bus was really crowded, and we both reached for the hand strap
and our hands touched.
And we laughed. And you said I had a really great laugh,
and I said you had a really great laugh, and we laughed at that.
Anyway, you asked me if I were free on Friday,
but we got separated before I could give you my phone number,
which I would have because I really liked you and I thought you were cute.
So, Gary, if you're listening, please, please give us a call.
We'll be right back after these words.
Oh, God! How could I say "I really liked you, I thought you were cute"?
Who am I? Marcia Brady?
Well, we'll be right back for more calls
and more on the search for Gary after this news break.
Good news.
I figured out a way I can have sex and we can all be happy.
As I pause to make sure that the on-air light is off…
Continue.
Well, I was driving down the freeway,
trying hard to notice the provocative decals truckers have on their mud flaps…
When I heard your little speech about breaking out of familiar patterns.
-Mm-hmm. -Well, sleeping alone has been my pattern.
-I'm ready to take a leap. -No, you're not.
Okay, not a leap, but you've gotta give me something. A hop, a bound.
-Give me a jump. Oh, God, jump! -Niles, would you just get a grip?
If you thought being with Maris was the right thing to do,
you would be with her.
You know it's wrong.
That's why you're here, asking for my permission.
Frasier, what if we don't have sex?
-What if we just snuggle? -Whoops, excuse me.
Oh…
Roz.
I never noticed what a perky little walk you have.
-Oh. Niles. Niles! -Roz? Roz?
-Roz… -Niles, stop! Get back in here.
You just stop that. Niles, get control.
My God, man, there are far more important things
than simple immediate physical gratification.
You're right.
I just have to marshal my self-discipline and be strong.
[EXHALES]
-Fifteen seconds. -Oh.
-What is wrong with your brother today? -Oh, ignore him.
Human nature never ceases to amaze me.
How otherwise rational people
can be turned into babbling ninnies by their hormones.
Oh, my God!
There's Gary! Oh, my God! He's here! It's him!
[SIGHS]
Well, we're back.
You'll all be glad to know that Cupid's arrow has hit its mark.
Gary has just arrived in the hallway
and has a big bouquet of flowers for Roz.
The truth is I'm really quite delighted with the way things have turned out.
It inspires me to take a little leap of my own.
As many of you know, this evening for the third year in a row,
I will be appearing on the PBS pledge drive.
I was getting a little nervous the way you were describing me on the air.
-Oh, why? -Well, my wife listens to the show.
-You're married? -Yeah, but it's okay.
I still want to go out with you.
So, instead of "Buttons and Bows," I have chosen instead to sing
a very challenging aria from Verdi's Rigoletto,
something I have never attempted outside the shower.
I certainly hope my little gamble turns out as well as Roz's has.
Or even better.
[FRASIER SEARCHING FOR NOTE]
Oh, God!
Well, perhaps they'll pledge to get you to stop singing.
Oh, and by the way, thanks so much for the cold shower tip.
-Did it work? -No, it did not.
It's clearly an old wives' tale because I'm still thinking of my old wife's tail.
Yes, well, I suppose it stood to reason being showered with coldness
would only bring Maris more to mind.
Keep making remarks like that, I won't help you rehearse.
I'm sorry. It's just that I'm awfully nervous.
As much as I admire your willingness to take a leap,
I did warn you that you were getting into a dangerous aria. [CHUCKLES]
God, I'm using humor to mask sexual frustration.
-It's high school all over again. -Niles, I know it's difficult,
but Maris has got to learn that you're not just someone
who can be ordered to perform at will. Now sit. Play.
[PLAYING UP-TEMPO INTRO]
[DOOR OPENS]
-♪ Del la… ♪ -[DOOR SLAMS]
Next time it looks like I'm gonna follow a piece of your advice,
shoot me in the head first!
Dad, why aren't you in Montana?
Fifteen minutes out, a flock of Canadian geese flew into one of our engines.
They were the lucky ones.
Next thing you know, we're falling 5,000 feet.
Smokehouse almonds are flying everywhere.
People are screaming and hugging each other.
The guy in the next seat grabbed a hold of my hand.
And you know what? I didn't pull it away.
Then our pilot comes out.
Our landing gear's out.
We're gonna have to do an emergency belly landing in six feet of foam.
So five hellish minutes later, we're bouncing across the runway.
Then the stewardess comes out
and says we're gonna have to go down the emergency slide.
So down I go, head first into this sea of foam.
Last thing I remember, this fat lady from across the aisle
comes barreling down the chute after me like a polyester avalanche.
My God, Dad, I am so sorry.
So these stewardesses, were they also covered with foam?
Will you stop it!?
Well, Dad, if you'd like to talk about it, we're both here for you.
Boy, I tell you, times like this, you just…
All you can think of is your loved ones,
and how you wish you'd spent more time with them.
ALL: Eddie!
Well, let's get back to work.
I need something to take my mind off the fact that at this very moment,
Maris is slipping out of her frilly underthings and into a non-fat milk bath.
-Something wrong? -Yes, something's wrong.
Things turned out so badly for Roz and Dad today,
I'm just wondering if maybe my little leap is ill-advised.
Oh, now.
Maybe this aria thing won't turn out quite so well either.
Just because theirs went wrong doesn't mean yours will too.
-Yeah. -They're two isolated incidents.
All right.
[PLAYING UP-TEMPO INTRO]
-♪ Del la… ♪ -[DOOR OPENS]
[SOBS]
Oh, will these infernal temptations never end!
Oh, tell me the truth.
Is it as bad as I think it is?
How bad do you think it is?
"Take a leap." Mr. Maurice, hair designer.
"Trust me." Children pointing.
Your fault!
Okay, that's it. I can't take it anymore. I'm leaving.
No, Niles. You can't leave me now. I need you more now than ever.
Give it up. No one who's followed your little "take a leap" philosophy
has ended up even remotely better.
I don't care what you're saying, I'm going to Maris.
You will rue the day!
I don't care. Niles gotta have it!
[PHONES RINGING]
-Oh, Pete. -Hi, Doc.
I hear you're doing something new this year.
Whoa.
-Well, is it too hard for you? -For me? No. I'm, I'm worried about you.
I can hit any note. [HITS ONE NOTE ON PIANO] See?
No, Lamb Chop's not here.
Big Bird isn't here either.
What are you doing up so late?
Oh.
Do you have your mommy's credit card handy?
Have your mommy call us back later. Bye.
Well, I guess your little aria must be coming up soon.
Yeah, along with some veal Milanese and a rather disappointing Chardonnay.
Oh.
Roz, I hope you're not still angry with me for the way my advice backfired today.
Oh, no, not at all.
In fact, I've been meaning to tell you how much I admire you
for what you're doing tonight.
After watching me crash and burn like that,
you're gonna go out and sing this very difficult song.
In a foreign language.
Under these unflattering lights with your clothes soaked with sweat.
On live television.
-How long are you gonna stay mad at me? -Until the day I get married.
Yo, Doc. Doc.
Please. I've been going over your music.
And when we get to this section here,
either I can play really loud or jab you with a pin
because you're not hitting this note without a pole vault.
PAGE: Ten seconds, Dr. Crane.
That's it! That's it!
-I'm not doing the aria. -ROZ: What?
You're backing out after you made all of us take those stupid leaps?
You bet I am. It may be an unwise man who doesn't learn from his own mistakes,
but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's.
But you promised all your listeners.
Oh, what's the difference? Who watches PBS?
I'll tell you who.
Discerning, cultured viewers like yourselves.
Hello, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane,
and like yourselves, I care about quality programming
such as foreign films, classical music, opera.
Which is why I intended to sing a rather challenging piece,
an aria from Verdi's Rigoletto.
But who am I to ignore the dozens of phone calls
that have come in requesting my signature piece,
a rather charming little ditty that I first sang three years ago
on Classic Western Movie Week.
So without further ado, I give you "Buttons and Bows" from Paleface.
Maestro, please.
[PLAYING INTRO]
♪ East is east and west is west ♪
♪ And the wrong one I have chose ♪
♪ Let's go where you'll keep on wearing those da-da-dahs and boppa-dohs ♪
♪ And things and buttons and buttons and bows ♪
♪ Don't bury me in something "P" or something la, la, la ♪
♪ Let's all go to a taco show ♪
♪ And such an impressive blow my nose ♪
♪ You look great in buttons and bows ♪
♪ I love you in buckskin, la-da-da, da-da, da-da ♪
[SINGING GIBBERISH]
Everybody!
♪ My bones denounce the fearful trouts ♪
♪ And la-la, la-la, mole that grows ♪
♪ Bada souse a pom capoose ♪
♪ And penta hoss and pantyhose ♪
♪ You'll look bubbity buttons and bows ♪
[FRASIER SINGING ON TV]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
I'll bet this is one leap year Dr. Crane won't be sorry to see the back of.
-Rewind it so we can watch it again. -No, no, no.
Not yet. Let it finish first. This is the verse where he really loses it.
♪ Bippity, boppity, hippity, do ♪
♪ Something and something and buttons and bows ♪
Okay, now you can rewind it.
Eddie!
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Frasier has left the building.