[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Good morning, Daphne. Dad.
Shh. You'll ruin his concentration.
He's on a stakeout to catch whoever's been pinching our newspaper.
He's been at it for over an hour.
I must say, I can see why he was such a good policeman.
[SNORING]
Dad's very impressive, isn't he?
When he wakes up, you must get him to tell you about his stint
as security coordinator for Jimmy Hoffa.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Dad, come on. Rise and shine. -Huh?
-You fell asleep. -Oh.
-Oh, good morning, Niles. -Hello.
Ah, yes, I see our newspaper thief has struck again.
-Damn, he's good. -Come on in.
This morning, for the first time since our separation,
Maris actually picked up the phone and called me. She needs a favor.
Niles, I think that's hardly cause to celebrate.
She called you because she wants something?
No, not "wants," Frasier. "Needs."
This is my chance to show her how necessary I really am to her,
and all I have to do is fix one small problem.
What's the problem?
Uh, she's wanted by the police.
Apparently, she was driving past a shoe store last week,
when she spotted a stunning pair of Ferragamo pumps in the window.
Well, I need not remind you what effect a Ferragamo sighting can have
on Maris' hand/eye coordination.
She drove up on the sidewalk,
and when the police ran her name through the computer,
they found quite a little backlog of unpaid parking tickets.
What else would you expect from a woman
who thinks her chocolate allergy entitles her to park in a handicapped space?
Oh, and to top it all off, she neglected to appear for her summons,
so they immediately swore out a warrant, and that brings us to you, Dad.
Why?
You were a cop.
I'm sure you still have chums, hint, hint…
Who could lend you a hand, wink, wink.
Yeah, look, you know I'd do anything for you, but not this.
All my years on the force, I never even fixed a ticket,
-let alone an arrest warrant. -Wh…
-You couldn't pull one little string? -I hope it works out for you,
but I think the law should be the same for everyone.
Well, it's not.
We don't like to believe justice is blind,
but the sad truth is wealthy white women just can't get a fair shake.
-The courts love to make examples of them. -DAPHNE: Oh, they do.
Just think of Zsa Zsa Gabor or Leona Helmsley.
Oh, yes, two perfectly lovely women victimized by an unjust system.
All right, fine. You won't help me, I'll help myself.
I'm going down to that precinct house, and I'm not leaving till I get justice.
Not exactly justice, I suppose. More like preferential treatment.
But I'm not leaving till get it.
What a horrible thing to happen.
Can you picture poor Mrs. Crane confined to a jail cell?
Only if they move the bars closer together.
FRASIER: Well, that's it for today, folks.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.
Frasier, I feel as if I'm being sucked into a vortex of rage and despair.
Well, right back at you.
I take it things didn't go so well down at the station?
The police simply would not listen to reason.
Police?
They're persecuting my Maris over some silly parking fines.
I felt sure they'd ease up if they just understood Maris a little better,
-so I tried to explain her to them. -Oh, dear God.
I dated a guy once who got in trouble with the cops.
Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.
Okay. Okay, fine, you little weasel. Just forget it.
I was gonna help you. Maris can just rot in the slammer.
Oh. Roz, I was joshing.
I know how you enjoy our little by-play.
That weasel line, ouch. Touché.
You know what? You're even more annoying when you grovel.
Zing! Got me again!
Roz, if not for his sake, then for mine, please.
Okay, for you.
My friend Phil had some major traffic violations.
And he was so freaked that he called this guy who, you know, fixes things.
Uh… Sounds just a tad shady, Roz. You mean, he went to some hoodlum?
Well, I wouldn't use the word hoodlum in front of him.
Just think of him as someone who makes wishes come true.
Like a fairy godfather.
Another word I wouldn't use in front of him.
Here we go. Jerome Belasco.
Oh, Roz, you are an angel of mercy. How can I repay you?
The next time you think of some witty little thing to say
about my sex life or what I'm wearing, just keep it to yourself.
Consider it done.
-Give me that. -No, give me that.
-Frasier. -Are you mad?
I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying, situation
into a Martin Scorsese film.
You don't understand what this means to me.
When Maris asked me for this favor, do you know what she said?
She said, "Niles, will you be my Commodore?"
Her "Commodore"?
-That's what she used to call her father. -Ah.
Frasier, there was no problem so great that that man couldn't fix it.
I'm sure.
Remember that lovely jeweled crucifix
Maris picked up on her First Communion trip to Rome?
Who do you think smoothed things over with the Vatican?
Yes, whatever happened to the days
when a parent would take a wayward child by the hand,
march them back to the scene of the crime and make them say,
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, it'll never happen again"?
You don't understand.
If I show Maris that I can step into the Commodore's plimsoles,
she'll have a whole new respect for me.
We can rebuild our marriage on a healthier foundation.
Frasier…
Please.
Oh. Thank you.
I just know this man is the answer to my problems.
Yes, who better to mend the fragile fabric of a troubled marriage
than a man whose business address is a wharf.
FRASIER: Niles. Look, this is ridiculous.
It's past midnight. I'm leaving.
No, no, no, you can't leave. You're my backup.
Wonder what's keeping him?
Do you suppose that's him?
I doubt it. That overcoat is Armani.
Good point. Where would a criminal come up with the money for something like that?
-You're Dr. Crane, I presume? -Oh, yes, I'm Niles Crane.
This is my brother, Dr. Frasier Crane.
-Oh, Jerome Belasco. -Pleasure.
Excuse my tardiness. My lady friend and I were having one of those discussions
from which it is difficult to remove oneself.
We certainly know about those, don't we?
Yes. Dames!
So you have some problem you think I can help you with?
Uh, well, I do. Please, Jerome.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, you see, last week my lady got on the wrong side of Larry Law,
and since then, certain, shall we say, complications have arisen.
And in brief, things are hot, hot, hot,
and we believe that you are the man to turn on the air conditionin'.
I sense you're a film buff, Dr. Crane.
-Just show him the charges, Niles. -Yes, here you go.
Quite a few…
"Ignoring a summons," "Speeding," "Reckless endangerment."
Your wife sounds like a very carefree lady.
Oh, yes, she's ounces of fun.
Uh, do you think you could persuade the police to show some leniency?
There's never any harm in making a phone call.
-Excuse me. -Thank you.
Yes, around and straight to the back.
He's making the call. He's making the call.
Frasier, you're going to think I'm crazy for saying this, but that was fun.
Well, I must admit, Niles, it is not entirely unpleasant
to rub shoulders with the demimonde.
I definitely felt a real testosterone surge, you know.
Me too. Me too. It's like an actual tingling in my chest.
Hm. And now it's gone.
There it is again.
And now it's gone.
Oh, Niles, must be your cellular phone vibrating.
Oh, it is. Oh, you're right.
Hello. Oh, hello, Maris.
Uh, yes, I'm tending to that very matter right now.
Wait, just hold one second. One second.
-Well? -You may consider the matter dealt with.
Oh. Oh.
Maris? It's all taken care of.
What did you say?
No, I just never heard you use those words before.
Um…
You're welcome.
Oh, Jerome, thank you.
Now if you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I have another business engagement.
-Oh. -At this hour? My God, it's past midnight.
What kind of business… could it possibly be of mine where you're going? [LAUGHS]
-Tell me, what do I owe you? -Oh, nothing.
-I was happy I could help. -Oh, don't be silly. I insist.
Consider it a favor.
I was in a position to help you.
Perhaps someday you'll be in a position to help me.
I would love that.
If there's ever anything I can do for you, you just say the word.
You're very kind. It's a pleasure meeting you both.
-Likewise. -And you.
And I meant that. Anything at all, you just let me know.
I shouldn't have said that, should I?
[LOCK CLICKS]
-Oh. -Dr. Crane.
Jerome. Look, Niles, it's Jerome.
In my house.
We've been having the most delightful chat.
Dr. Crane, you're a lucky man
to have such a charming young woman in your employ.
Oh. Go on. [CHUCKLES]
Did you know his brother supplied the cement for this very building?
NILES: Oh.
Well, what a small world. Oh, look at the time.
Uh, so, Jerome, you didn't tell us what line of work you're in.
Oh, wait. Let me guess. I'm a bit psychic.
Now let's see… Hm.
You're some sort of a doctor.
-An osteopath perhaps? -No.
Well, that's odd.
I can see you hovering over people with broken bones.
Uh, boys, why don't you help me get some refreshments for your new friend?
Yes! Yes! Excuse us, Jerome.
[WHISPERS] Who the hell is this guy?
He's some hooligan who helped fix Maris' legal problem.
And in return I promised him a favor. And… Oh, God…
Do you think that's why he's here? To collect?
No, Niles. He's probably hosting a luau. He came by to borrow our poi ramekins.
Are you guys nuts? You don't get involved with somebody like that.
Before we panic, we should at least talk to him,
you know, get the straight dope. Also known as the skinny.
Knock it off, Bugsy.
Stealing newspapers is most un-neighborly behavior.
Now if you would like, I could find out who's doing it
-and make sure they never even think… -Oh, no, no, that's all right. Really.
So, Jerome, is there something we can do for you?
Well, since you ask, you may recall the other evening I mentioned my lady friend.
If I may…
Oh.
She's a pretty thing, isn't she?
Heh. This is at the dog track where we met.
-Oh. -Oh.
And here's our first Sinatra concert.
Oh.
Oh, this was at the funeral of a business associate.
You know, for the life of me,
I can't recall ever seeing a woman wearing so many different kinds of furs
all at the same time.
Brandy is a uniquely stylish woman.
-Brandy? -Yeah, the traditional spelling.
We've been engaged for eight years, yet she refuses to set a wedding date.
Oh, this upsets me.
It also upsets my mother whose comments on the subject are frequent and vivid.
So where do these two come in?
Well, she's reluctant to marry me. Obviously she needs therapy.
-Oh. -Well, you know, you're in luck.
Niles happens to be one of the finest marriage counselors in all of Seattle.
Well, actually, Dr. Crane, I would prefer that Brandy spoke to you.
To me?
Yeah, no offense to you, Dr. Crane.
None taken.
She's a great fan of your show.
I'm sure she'd heed any advice that you might care to offer,
such as, "Marry him. Promptly."
[CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, but I'm not here to put words in your mouth.
You'll know what to say.
Uh, Jerome, uh…
You know, I'm a psychiatrist.
I'm used to rendering my opinion, not being the mouthpiece for someone else.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.
Oh, Dr. Crane,
you know, sometimes in life we must do unpleasant things.
I hate to tell you some of the unpleasant things that I've had to do.
I see.
Well, then, why don't you just give Brandy my unlisted home number
which I'm sure you came across while you were finding out where I lived.
I'll be glad to chat with her.
Well, thank you. She'll be in touch.
And I hope that very soon you'll dance at my wedding.
[FRASIER LAUGHING]
If I'm able to dance.
If you ask me, you're getting off easy.
He could've asked you for a much bigger favor.
Dad, how can I possibly as a self-respecting psychiatrist
tell any woman to marry that thug?
What are you talking about? He seemed very nice to me.
This from the psychic who said he was a chiropractor.
MARTIN: Listen, I've heard your show.
One more piece of half-assed advice isn't gonna kill you.
-Jerome, on the other hand… -Okay, Dad.
The key to lasting weight loss
is to change the way you view food every day.
You can't go on through life bingeing
and then starving yourself for two weeks
just to fit into that new gorgeous evening gown
you bought for a special occasion.
Can you understand that?
MAN: Yeah. Thanks, Doc.
Don't mention it, Steve.
Roz, who's the next caller?
We have Randy from Richmond Beach.
Hello, Randy, I'm listening.
Not Randy, Brandy.
-Brandy. -The traditional spelling.
We're all out of time. My goodness, I feel so sorry about that, but…
No, we're not. We've got five minutes left.
Thank you, Roz.
All right, Brandy, go ahead, your problem, please.
Well, it's my boyfriend, Jerome.
He said I should call you. We've been sort of semi-engaged for eight years.
He wants to get married.
Well… I can certainly hear the love in your voice, so I say case closed!
-Best of luck to you in the future. -Whoa! You got a bus to catch?
There's a lot more to it. I mean, for starters, I think he's cheated on me.
Well, in my experience, when you suspect something like that,
nine out of ten times you're right.
As far as I'm concerned, I think a little mistrust adds mystery to a relationship.
Mystery I could stand if he didn't neglect me so much.
I mean, every time we go for a romantic dinner, he gets a phone call and, bang,
it's "Gotta work, babe. Finish your lobster. I'll send a limo for you."
Lobster? Limos? My God, give me his number, I'll marry him!
[LAUGHS]
Money ain't everything. Especially when you got a sex life like ours.
-He's not even good in bed? -Who knows?
We're never there long enough to find out.
You know, this really isn't necessary…
I said to him last night, "What the hell was that? I've been vaccinated slower!"
Well, that just leaves more time to cuddle.
-Can I say something? -No!
Look, I can deal with the other problems if it weren't for one thing.
All my life I've dreamed of being a career woman,
but he says I'm not allowed to work.
I'm supposed to sit home all day, let him take care of me.
So what do you think, Doc? Should I marry him?
Well…
Taking into account that the years you've invested in the relationship
and Jerome's obvious love for you, not to mention his generosity…
No, what? Tell me what you think, Dr. Crane,
because I really, really respect you.
Brandy.
Run!
Save yourself! Do not marry this man!
This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying good night and…
See you, God willing, tomorrow.
Yes, I'll have a non-fat decaf latte, please.
Oh, what the hell? Look, make it a full-fat mocha, extra whipped cream.
What the hell? Put a slice of bacon on it too.
-Hello, Frasier. -Niles, don't… Don't do that!
Sorry. I'm sorry. Double espresso, please.
I heard you on the radio today. I thought what you did was noble.
To what South American nation will you be fleeing?
Oh, like I'd tell you.
One minute of interrogation and you would crack like a Jordan almond.
Frasier, I never meant for any of this to happen.
-How long are you going to stay mad at me? -For as long as I live.
Probably take us through breakfast.
Oops, wrong again.
Oh. Oh.
Look. It's Jerome Belasco. Jerome, take a seat.
Look, Frasier, it's our friend, Jerome Belasco!
[JEROME SIGHS]
Heard your broadcast this afternoon.
Displeased me.
Let me have a little hot milk, please.
When I'm displeased, I get acid in my stomach, Dr. Crane.
Believe me, the last thing I want to do is displease you.
Or to hear the words "acid" and "Dr. Crane" in the same sentence.
But, Jerome, I'm sorry, how could I have advised her otherwise?
She said that you cheated on her.
She said she suspected me. I've never cheated on Ms. Brandy.
All right, be that as it may,
how could I advise a woman to marry a man who's so controlling
that he won't even allow her to work?
It may interest you to know that over the years I've called in favors
to get Miss Brandy 14 jobs.
She lost all of them.
So you're saying she's had trouble finding her niche?
No, I'm saying she's a dodo.
Now you may love a dodo.
You may think the dodo is beautiful.
You may even wish to marry the dodo.
But you do not encourage a dodo to fly.
And when she loses these jobs, it makes her very unhappy.
So, for her sake, I said no more jobs.
But now, in order to convince her to marry me,
I've had to reverse this policy.
So she has agreed to marry you?
If I get her a job.
Not just any job, a job that she can never lose.
A job where if she burns the place down,
they will apologize to her for having made it so flammable.
Well, good luck finding someone who'll hire her.
Oh.
Oh, Dr. Crane, your brother called.
The court time for your tennis game is 11 o'clock.
Oh, good lord. I distinctly told him I wasn't available till noon.
Hey, if you're gonna call him back, put it on the speaker phone.
Don't you think this is getting a little old?
Well, I think it's just mean is what I think.
So sue me. I enjoy it.
[LINE RINGING]
Good morning, Niles Crane, psychiatrist.
Yes, is Dr. Crane there? This is his brother Frasier.
Oh, hi, Dr. Crane, it's me, Brandy.
Hang on, hon, I'm getting another call. Gotta put you on hold.
[DIAL TONE]
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night, everybody!