[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, we've got about 30 seconds. I think we've got time for one quick call.
Hello, Marlene, I'm listening.
MARLENE: Oh, my God, I'm really on?
Yes, your problem please.
Lucky, Lucky, get down George, get the dog.
Oh, my God, this is so exciting.
Honey, honey, get the baby. George, get your son!
Okay, here it is, Dr. Crane.
If my husband and I don't have sex soon, I think I'm gonna burst.
I may even have to go to a department store and pick up a stranger.
Oh, kids, look who's here without calling first, Nana and Pop-Pop.
-I'll call you back. -[CALL DISCONNECTS]
To all you Marlenes out there, may I suggest
that sex with a stranger is not the answer.
Why don't you just pack the kids off with Nana and Pop-Pop,
lock Lucky downstairs in the basement, grab your husband.
Take him to the sturdiest kitchen table you have and let the postman ring twice.
To the rest of my listeners, I'll be off on vacation for the next week
so please tune in to my replacement, the noted podiatrist, Dr. Garreth Wooten.
He's been discussing the virtues of his new book,
Bunions, and Blisters, and Corns.
Oh, my.
I hate it when that weird foot freak subs for you.
Couldn't you just have Frederick come and visit you here?
I'm sorry, Roz, the taxi's waiting outside to take me to the airport.
-Oh, well, have a great time. -Thanks.
And don't forget to bring me a present.
I'll get you a nice T-shirt from Colonial Williamsburg.
You're taking Frederick to Williamsburg?
-Ew. -Oh, it's a wonderful vacation spot.
We're going to dip candles, tan leather, churn butter…
"Hey, Frederick Crane, you just finished the first grade.
What are you gonna do now?" "I'm going to Butter World."
Hey, Daphne, bring that laundry over here, will you?
-What for? -I was just reading
about an intelligence test you can give your dog.
Throw a towel over its head and see how long it takes him to shake it off.
-Eddie? -And the faster he takes the towel off,
the smarter he is?
No, the faster he folds it.
All right.
Now, they ranked all the dogs and the smartest was a border collie.
He did it in seven seconds.
All right, come on, boy, take it off.
Six, seven.
Okay, well, the next fastest one was a poodle.
I know he's as smart as a poodle.
Okay, so he's no poodle.
He's not a beagle, either.
Or a German shepherd…
Or a Labrador.
Oh, for God's sake, Eddie.
Well, if you ask me, he's refusing to do that trick
'cause he knows if he does it right,
you'll have him doing it every time we have company.
-Hey! I'll bet you're right. -[DOORBELL RINGS]
Nice going, Eddie.
Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
I appreciate the false cheer, but I'm sure you've seen this.
-Today's society page. -Don't tell me, don't tell me.
I'm saving it for after dinner.
Maris is going on a three-week cruise.
Her friends threw her a bon voyage party. Look at the photo.
Maris on the arm of Pierson Broadwater.
Oh, Dr. Crane, look, she's just standing there barely touching him
with only the tiniest bit of a smile on her face.
You can practically hear the zing, zing, zing of her heartstrings.
-Oh, Dr. Crane… -Sorry, Niles.
Oh, it gets worse.
This morning I spoke to Marta, my ex-maid and current mole.
She reports that Broadwater's just the latest in a parade of escorts.
Gigolos are swarming around Maris like ants on a Snickers bar.
Wait a minute, that's good news.
She's seeing a whole bunch of people, that means she's not serious about anyone.
-You think? -Yeah, sure.
They're probably just her escorts.
-You know how she loves going to parties. -Yes.
And she never liked going anywhere alone except to bed.
Some more good news.
It wouldn't hurt you to go out a little bit every once in a while too.
If you're suggesting that I start dating, you can save your breath.
Women don't exactly find me irresistible.
Oh, come on, Niles. You've had lots of girlfriends.
Oh, let's count. There's Maris.
Oh, no, Dora, my childhood pen pal from Costa Rica.
I seem to recall a little girl in the fourth grade
who lured me to a stairwell to show me her underpants.
I think your problem is you still picture yourself
as that same geeky kid you were in high school
but you've come a long way since then.
And you're not doing yourself any favors sitting home every night.
Now just think about it.
[GROANS]
Wine, Dr. Crane?
Well, wouldn't you?
DAPHNE: Oh, give it up.
The man had every right to be proud of his dog.
Well, I just don't like show-offs, okay.
"Ginger, catch the Frisbee." "Ginger, roll over." "Ginger, do my taxes."
Just because Eddie's not good at tricks…
The hell he isn't. He just likes the kind that gives him a chance to use his brain.
Eddie's a thinker.
Here, just watch this.
Open the door for him.
Now I've been teaching him the names of all his chew toys.
Eddie, get your banana.
Now he's thinking.
"Which one's the banana?"
Now he's thinking:
"What the heck did I do with my banana?"
Now he's thinking "Which one's the emergency button?"
Come on.
Oh, Dr. Crane!
Hello. I let myself in. I hope that's all right.
Fine. What's up?
I stopped by to ask you a question.
Are you free Saturday night?
-Sure. -Well, I'm not. I have a date.
BOTH: Oh!
-Bravo, Dr. Crane. -Good for you. Who is she?
Marjorie Nash, the Fruit on the Bottom yogurt heiress.
I bumped into her at the Frye museum.
Before I knew it, your advice was thundering in my ears
and I found myself asking her out.
We'll be attending our club's annual winter dance, the Snow Ball.
-Well, good for you. -What's she like?
She's terribly haughty and rumors persist about her husband's death
but still, a date's a date.
The Snow Ball. Sounds very glamorous.
-Yeah, I didn't know you could dance. -Well, I can't.
Oh, dear.
You don't think she'll want me to?
I've taken Maris to dozens of these things.
She's never once asked to dance.
Of course, Maris dislikes public displays of rhythm.
Oh, this is terrible.
My first date is a miserable failure before it even begins.
I'll just have to cancel.
All you need are a few dancing lessons.
I'll be happy to give you some.
-You would? -Yeah.
I used to practice all the time with me brother Billy.
The ballroom dancer.
Well, I couldn't prevail upon you like that. It'd be too much trouble.
We'll have to move this.
We'll push the chair back.
Or not.
All right.
We'll start with the box step.
-Box step. -It's very simple.
You take my hand like so and your other hand goes around the waist.
Now, start with your left foot.
-Okay. Which one? -Oh, hush!
You step towards me, then bring your right foot forward and over
and slide the left over to meet it.
Then the right foot goes back, the left back and over
and the right slides next to it.
And that's it!
All right, once again.
And, a one, two, oh, three, a two,
two, three, a three, two, three, a four, two, three…
This is boring, yet difficult.
Oh, there's no trick to dancing. It's just a matter of coordination.
Hell, if you can ride a bike or skip rope or kick a ball, you can certainly…
All right, once again.
And a one, two, oh, three, a two…
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
You're really doing very well, Dr. Crane.
Earlier you seemed a bit tense.
You've really relaxed though now, haven't you?
Hey, you two are looking pretty sharp.
Well, I think we're ready to move on to the samba.
Eddie, fetch me a samba tape.
Xavier Cugat.
Now he's thinking "The later Hollywood stuff or the early New York recordings?"
-Guess what I'm thinking. -I'll get it.
Well, I'm gonna hit the hay.
Good night, spin and turn.
See you in the morning, spin and dip.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
There's my phone, flip and push.
Niles Crane.
Oh, Marjorie.
How are you?
Oh, what a shame.
Well, no, no that's all right. There will be other dances.
No, no, I… I understand completely. Take care.
Well, guess I won't be needing those dancing lessons.
I guess not.
I'm sorry, son.
Couldn't find any Cugie but this'll do.
All right now, in the samba, you have to hold me a little closer.
-Are you ready? Yeah? -There's one thing I wanted to mention.
[SAMBA MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
I'm a dancer. A dancer dances!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Well, look who's here. It's my dancing pal. Hello, Fred.
Hello, Ginger.
It's a little joke we have.
Look, Daphne, I got two new CDs today.
Tonight we master the mambo and the conga.
I can feel myself growing a pencil-thin mustache just saying that.
You're having more lessons tonight?
Oh, yes. He's gonna be the best dancer at the ball.
I'll just go get us some coffees.
Why didn't you tell her your date had canceled?
You don't need lessons.
I wanted to but she's just having so much fun.
Come on, Niles. You think I don't see the way you look at Daphne?
-What are you implying? -You know damn well what I'm implying.
Take my word for it. You're sticking a fork in the toaster here.
Well, my muffin's stuck.
Besides, what's the harm in a few dance lessons?
It's nighttime, you're alone, the music's on.
You've got your arms around her.
You'll end up saying something you can't take back.
-I have no intention of saying anything. -No one ever does.
Take my word for it.
When I was separated from your mother,
there was this pretty coroner in the city morgue.
I always had a bit of a crush on her.
Whenever we'd find a dead body, I'd yell out, "Okay, boys, I'll take it from here."
So, this one night I invited her down to the corner bar.
Coroners have their own bars?
No, corner, Niles. The corner bar!
Anyway, we had a few drinks, the lights were low, Sinatra on the juke box…
Before I knew it, it just all came pouring out of me.
I told her how I felt.
I mean, I knew the second it was out of my mouth that it was a mistake.
Well, she let me down easy
but we still had to go on seeing each other all the time.
It sure was no fun going to the morgue after that.
Well, so, what time are we starting your lessons tonight, Dr. Crane?
NILES: Actually that won't be necessary.
I just got a call from Marjorie and something's come up.
I won't be going to the ball.
-Oh. Well, I'm sorry. -NILES: It's quite all right.
Thank you for all your help.
It seems such a shame to waste all that hard work.
I hope you don't think I'm being too forward,
but what would you say about our going to the dance together?
Now he's already taken up too much of your time, Daphne.
-He couldn't ask you to do that. -But it would be as much fun for me
as it would be for him. I'd love an elegant evening out.
-What do you say, Dr. Crane? -Tell her what you say, Dr. Crane.
-Pick you up at 7:00? -Oh! Yes!
Great!
No, Eddie that's not your banana. That's Mr. Pig.
Listen to the difference,
pig, banana, pig, banana.
I still love you, you little pinhead. Go sit down.
[DOOR OPENS]
Oh, Frasier, am I glad you're back.
-Listen… -Dad, please. Please.
I've spent the most wonderful six days with Frederick.
I am technically still on vacation until 10 a.m. tomorrow.
-Yeah, yeah, but listen, I… -Bup, bup, bup!
Dad, I do not care to know how hard Daphne made you exercise
or about the boring foreign film Niles made you sit through.
Or about the progress of Eddie's on-again, off-again romance with the ottoman.
-But you don't understand. -Dad, please.
For all intents and purposes, I am not here.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That'll be me date. Oh, I'm so excited.
This is me first ball. Oh, I hope he likes me dress.
-Daphne. -Hello, Dr. Crane. Welcome back.
Hello.
-Wow! -Oh, you…
Thank you.
Niles.
Oh, Frasier, you're back. Well, our carriage awaits.
And you better get her home at a decent hour.
-I'm gonna be waiting up for you. -Oh! Mr. Crane.
What the hell was that?
Eddie, did you hear something?
It can't be Frasier. He's still on vacation.
Dad? What was that?
Dad, will you stop kidding around? Was that a date?
Dad!
[BAND PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]
Oh, Dr. Crane, it's so beautiful.
Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?
Well, when I was at school, I knew a boy named Niles and I called him Niley.
Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?
You're a vision.
Everyone's staring at you.
Oh, well, you look awfully handsome yourself, Niles.
[CHUCKLING]
Well, uh, would you like some champagne?
-That would be lovely. -Be back in a moment.
-Uh, two champagnes, tout de suite. -Niles, dear, how are you?
-Just fine, thanks. -Andrew, say hello to Niles.
Haven't seen you for ages.
We feel just terrible about you and Maris.
Oh, yes, we were just devastated.
Positively everyone is talking about it.
-Oh, and how is positively everyone? -Devastated.
We were just saying that to Maris when we ran into her
and Barclay Paxton at the Breeder's Cup.
No, no, no, no, she was with Carlo Binaldi at the Breeder's Cup.
Well, it's so hard to keep track.
Anyway, Niles, if there's anything we can do to cheer you up, just let us know.
Perhaps a murder-suicide pact.
Well, they weren't very nice.
Well, everyone in our set seems to have this idea
that while Maris is out living the high life,
I'm sitting at home crushed and lonely.
Yeah, well, never mind those gossipy twits.
Tonight you're all mine.
Now, take me in your arms, Niles, and let the music carry us away.
Thank you. We'll be back in ten minutes.
[BAND PLAYING LIVELY DANCE MUSIC]
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
I can't remember when I've had a better time.
I'm on cloud nine.
I'd have to look down to see cloud nine.
Daphne, I must tell you again that's an exquisite gown.
Oh, thanks.
It was way out of me price range
but did you ever see something and say, "I just have to have it"?
Where's my chair?
[BAND PLAYING TANGO MUSIC]
Oh, a tango.
-Oh, you never taught me a tango. -Oh, you'll love it.
It's perfect for you.
This is a passionate, full-blooded dance
that rose up from the slums of Buenos Aires.
Well, the parallels between me and an unemployed gaucho aside,
I think we should probably just sit this one out.
Oh, nonsense. There's only one rule in the tango.
Our bodies must be in continuous contact with not a sliver of daylight between us.
I can do that.
-Loosen up! Don't be afraid. -Well, I…
-Daphne won't let anything happen to you. -I don't think that…
Don't think. Just feel.
You're an Argentine slum-dweller.
You have no house, no car,
you don't know where your next meal is coming from
but none of that matters because tonight…
We have the tango.
[SPANISH ACCENT] Oh, Mama, I've got it all!
That's it! You're dazzling! You're brilliant!
-But I feel you're holding back. -I am?
-Oh, this is no time for inhibitions. -[NORMAL VOICE] I know.
Come on, let it out, Niles.
Let everything out!
Oh, Daphne, I adore you!
I adore you too.
What?
I adore you too.
-Oh, how I've longed to hear those words. -Oh, how I've longed to say them.
You're beautiful. You're a goddess.
Oh, I don't ever want this moment to end.
Then let's not let it.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
This is the most glorious night of my life.
Oh, mine too.
Oh, Daphne, I'm a new man!
-Do you have any idea what I'm feeling? -Oh, of course I do.
-Your friends look positively dumb struck. -Yes.
Yeah, from now on, there'll be no more of that "Oh, poor Niles" attitude.
Far from it.
Oh, I knew you were a good dancer
but I had no idea you were such a good actor.
-Actor? -Yeah.
"Daphne, you're a goddess." "Daphne, I adore you."
Oh, we fooled everyone, didn't we?
Oh…
Oh, we certainly did, didn't we?
I'm surprised it was so easy.
Well, given the right circumstances, anyone can be fooled.
[BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]
-Oh, what do you say to another dance? -No, thanks.
-It's getting late and I've danced enough. -All right, then.
Well, I'll just go powder my nose and then we'll be off.
Niles?
No, no, please.
Claire Barnes?
I was an associate in your attorney's office.
Oh, yes, Claire. It's good to see you again.
Well, I heard about you and Maris and I just wanted to give you my card
and let you know that you're free to call me any time.
Thank you. I'm happy with my attorney.
I meant to go dancing.
Oh.
Thanks.
-Well, are you ready? -Uh…
-No, I don't think I am. -I beg your pardon?
-I mean, yes, let's go. -Oh.
-We had a time tonight, didn't we? -We certainly did.
And to think you almost didn't come to the ball.
You know, it's such a shame when people let fear stop them from trying new things.
Excuse me.
I'm ready now.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Thank you!