[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Roz, who's our last caller?
On line two, we have Marilyn. She's feeling a little homesick.
Go ahead, Marilyn.
MARILYN: Well, I like living in Seattle.
But I don't know,
I grew up in this little town in Wisconsin and I really miss that life.
You're not the only one.
My producer Roz has regaled me with many stories of the great Dairy State.
You're from Wisconsin, Roz? What part?
Bloomer.
Oh, my God, I'm from Menomonie!
-Oh, my God… -ROZ: No way!
You're from Menomonie. My cousins are from Menomonie.
-Do you know the Rayburns? -Isn't that…
MARILYN: Billy Rayburn is your cousin?
I used to work with him at Bell's Frozen Custard.
Of course she did.
Do you remember that guy that used to run the store?
The guy with all the moles?
-Mr. Teechy? -Mr. Teechy!
Well, ladies, as fascinating as this is, I'm afraid we're out of time.
[MARILYN, ROZ SIGH]
Well that's okay, Marilyn. You can call back tomorrow.
Be sure you all tune in tomorrow for part two in our series
"Women of the Cheese Belt."
Goodbye for now and good mental health.
These messages came for you earlier.
-Your wine is ready. -Oh, excellent!
You know, I'm hosting a tasting tonight for the wine club Niles and I belong to.
I'm hoping they name me the MAÎTRE de Chai.
It's a longstanding dream of mine to wear that silver cup around my neck.
You know back in Wisconsin, if a guy wore a cup around his neck,
it'd mean he'd ticked off the gym teacher.
Fine. Make sport but this does happen to be important to me.
Since when? You used to say that club was nothing
but a bunch of arrogant, cork-sniffing snobs.
Well that was before I got in.
Well, when I'm handing out
bologna sandwiches this weekend at the homeless shelter,
it will do my heart good to know that a bunch of wealthy men are swishing
two hundred dollar bottles of wine and spitting it into silver buckets.
Well, it's not like we don't recycle the bottles.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
There we are.
Here's your six.
Mm. Big, full-bodied, perhaps a bit baked.
Essence of truffles, long finish.
-Chambertin, seventy-six! -Bravo, Frasier.
If only your aim were as accurate as well.
Oh.
How is it those same taste buds can't tell the difference
between me pot roast and me flank steak?
Considering you learned to cook in England,
it's a wonder I can tell your flank steak from a braised tennis ball.
Now, now, let's move on to the number seven.
-All right. -There you are.
Ah. Touch of oak,
a hint of currant, whisper of…
What is that? What is that? Yes, wet dog!
You guys still playing that stupid game?
Dad, wine tasting is not a stupid game. It's a highly refined skill.
Yeah, I just saw a couple of guys on the corner practicing out of paper bags.
NILES: We're hardly winos.
Some very distinguished people belong to our club.
The mayor, the commissioner of Public Safety,
the chief of surgery at Saint Luke's.
Oh, just the people I'd want walking around all liquored up.
Couldn't you find room for a school bus driver
and a couple of air traffic controllers?
Well, we could if they had impeccable taste.
Which reminds me, Dad, I have a favor to beg.
Would you mind if I moved your chair into your room until after the tasting?
Forget it. You might as well ask me to stay in my room.
Which takes care of the second favor.
Oh, all right. Go ahead and move it.
At least I don't have to spend the night looking
at your society pals getting tanked.
All right, Niles, come on. Grab an end.
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, you're serious.
-You know I don't lift. -FRASIER: Yes.
With that stick where it is, I'm surprised you can bend.
Start hoisting.
Come on. All right.
Oh, my God, Dad, this thing weighs a ton!
Lord…
-His room? -All right, yes.
-Oh, oh God. -Oh, come on.
-No, Niles, don't drop it! Don't… -MARTIN: Hey!
-You've gouged… -You better be talking about the floor.
Oh, of course I'm not…
Oh, for Pete's sakes, just a little scratch.
Get me a yellow magic marker,
I'll color it in, nobody'll know the difference.
Dad, you have no idea how critical these people can be. They love finding fault.
We could put a rug over it.
A rug?
Where a rug doesn't belong?
Why don't we just throw down a Twister mat and have a few rounds between vintages?
Steady, Frasier, there's still hope.
I'll bring my contractor by in the morning. The man's a genius.
It's time you boys learned everything doesn't have to be perfect.
Yes, it's that kind of advice that leads to shag carpeting!
Ah! Good morning, Daphne, extra pancakes for me this morning. I'm famished.
Yes, well, you should have thought about that last night
before you started making cracks about English cooking.
I have hung up my spatula.
Well, you move my chair, you cut off my pancake supply.
Why don't you just back out over Eddie on your way to work, make it a hat trick?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
And a hat trick would be?
-That's in hockey where one player… -Enough said. Thank you.
-Niles. -Good morning, Frasier.
I'm delivering one miracle worker as promised.
-Joe DeCarlo, Frasier Crane. -It's a pleasure.
-And my father Martin Crane. -Hi, Joe.
-So where's the scratch? -What? You mean you can't see it?
We were gonna put some orange cones around it so nobody'd fall in it.
It's right here.
I can get rid of that.
It has to be done by 5:00.
My guests arrive at 7:00.
So it has to be a firm 5:00, not a 5:15, not a 5:30.
-I'll have it done by noon. -Splendid.
I told you he was good.
We're talking about a man who's satisfied Maris.
Something that's still regrettably on my "to do" list.
Coffee's ready.
'Course I'm sure it'll taste like me old bath water to you.
You know how it gets all gray and scummy around the edges with little flecks of,
-oh, hello. -Hi.
Hello.
I'd love some coffee, Daphne.
Mm… Daphne?
Daph, this is Joe DeCarlo.
Joe, this is Daphne. She helps me out around here.
Smells great. Columbian?
Oh, no, English.
The coffee, heh, Costa Rican.
Would you like a cup?
Thanks.
I'll be right back.
He's adorable. Talk me up.
-Plate of pancakes? -Deal.
-You know, Joe, Daphne's a great gal. -Oh, yeah.
She doesn't always go around in that ratty old bathrobe.
-No. -She cleans up real cute.
Oh, yeah.
You don't have to convince me.
You know, I think Dad's right.
You don't need to fix that scratch. It adds character. Come, Joe.
Niles, forget it.
Honeybun?
Yes?
[GIGGLING]
I meant would you like one of these with your coffee?
Oh. I'd love one.
-Anything else? -JOE: No.
-Sugar? -Yes.
I meant in the coffee.
Oh! [GIGGLES]
NILES: You know,
Maris is quite keen on gutting my library to make more space for her hats.
Why don't you come home with me
and you can send one of your men over to do this little job?
Bruce would be good.
The large sweaty gentleman with the chili dogs on his breath.
Niles, Joe is here already and we do have a deadline.
But, don't you think it would be prudent…
Niles, it's settled.
That's great because I'm kind of anxious to get at her.
I'll just bet he is.
-Oh, Niles. -The testosterone-driven, tool-wielding…
Niles, Niles, he's talking about the scratch!
Oh, I knew that!
I mean, I know that.
I mean, watch him!
Someone remodeling?
No, bad wiring in one of the condos.
Well, I hope you gentlemen won't be working this evening.
I'm entertaining some very important guests
and, you know how sound travels in this building.
Can't make any promises.
We're here as long as this poor sap is willing to pay us.
[LOUD DRILLING]
What is happening?
Hold it down, guys.
Sorry about this, Dr. Crane,
but when I plugged in the sander to start on the floor, you blew a circuit.
So naturally you're sawing a hole into my wall.
When the circuit blew, it started the fire.
You got some real bad wiring in here.
-All right, how long? -Couple hours.
Now "a couple" is vague.
That would mean the big hand would be on the 12 and the little hand…
On the four.
Oh, the four? Oh, the four is okay. Fine, thank you.
And you know the fire?
Eddie smelled it first.
Oh, well, he's a regular canary in a coal mine, isn't he?
My God, what's going on?
Don't ask, Niles. Oh, I see you've got the Romanée-Conti?
Yes, but unfortunately they only had the one bottle.
That's funny, the importer told me he had two.
Really? How strange.
If I didn't know you better, I would swear
that you had squirreled one away for yourself.
But then we both know that you must be telling the truth
because you're such a slave to your ethics
that even the slightest transgression would cause your nose to bleed.
Which it isn't.
You just sniffed.
I didn't sniff.
It was a snort of contempt.
A snort is out. That was in.
Oh, all right. The other bottle's in the car in my bowling bag.
Thank you.
You have a bowling bag?
Yes, Maris and I have taken to giving each other gag gifts.
I gave her a cookbook.
Oh, yoo-hoo.
I, uh, noticed how your shirt was clinging to your back
and I thought a glass of iced tea might hit the spot.
Oh, thanks, Daph.
Oh! [LAUGHS]
-I got a spark. -Me, too.
That's just static electricity from the carpet. It can happen to anyone.
-I'll show you. Watch. -Niles.
Stop poking me!
Should I put these little fingery foods for tonight in the fridge?
Oh, yes, please. The brie is sweating up a storm.
-Let me help you with those. -No, Daphne, let me help you.
Excuse me, Bruce. Jeez! Spark, spark! Did you see the…
Well, I will be back after work at 5:30.
I hope I have your word that my apartment will be perfect by then.
-Sure thing. -All right, think before you answer.
This is not like marriage vows or a promise to a dying parent.
This really, really counts.
You have my word.
Thank you.
Man, I am sweating like a pig.
I gotta air myself out.
-Hold the elevator, will you? -I'm sorry. I need this nose tonight.
Thank you.
You don't have to keep feeding these men.
Actually, Maris finds they work faster if you keep them hungry.
I don't mind.
'Course I probably don't cook as well as their wives or girlfriends.
That is, if they all have girlfriends.
I'm sure Joe's probably mentioned some girl to you.
No.
Really?
That is, not any one girl.
Not old "Love 'em and leave 'em Joe."
From what I've heard, he's wrecked more homes than he's fixed.
Mimsy Stanhope has him over all the time
and I don't just mean to strip her entry way.
Oh, I see.
I'm sorry, Daphne.
No, it's better I should know now before I get me hopes up.
Thank you for being honest with me.
Ah.
[WHIRRING STARTS]
FRASIER: Joe?
Dr. Crane, don't panic. I can explain everything.
Wonderful.
Then perhaps you can explain these legs.
That's Cecil. He's the best ceiling guy in Seattle.
We were lucky to get him. When we opened up the wall to get at the faulty wiring,
we found the gas pipes leading to your fireplace were cracked.
-Had to be fixed. -Tonight?
I okayed it. It just seemed wiser to do it before the explosion.
Frasier!
The club members arrive in 45 minutes! Have you lost your… Cecil!
Niles, don't yell at me.
If you were able to lift anything heavier than an emery board,
we wouldn't be in this position.
Well, maybe next time you'll listen to your old man.
Thank you, Dad. I was just considering
whether I should go shave or slit my wrists.
-You've made my choice a little easier. -Don't worry, we're gonna make it.
Only, about that shaving, we had to shut the water off to replace a valve.
Oh, well that explosion idea's sounding better and better.
Would someone at least move that mantlepiece away from the door?
[PHONE RINGING]
-Hello? -[LOUD SCRAPING]
Yes, oh, just hold on, will you?
-Hey, Joe? -Yeah.
You know, you're gonna be through by 7:00?
Gives you plenty of time for dinner and a movie.
Excuse me.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
I said, I don't want to go out with you!
Well, what're you looking at? Get back to work!
Thanks a lot.
Why would she do that? She's crazy about him.
Niles, is your nose bleeding?
No, no, I was just admiring Cecil's handiwork.
That was the mayor on the phone.
Apparently his wife can't make it tonight, so he has invited Senator Adler.
Could anything else possibly go wrong?
Take a look at that.
Oh, dear God,
is that blood on my floor?
And another drop.
Niles!
Well?
Is it terribly wrong to mislead someone, even if it's for his or her own good?
What did you tell Daphne?
I made up a story that Joe seduces all the women he works for
so she wouldn't go out with him.
Oh, Niles, how could you be so selfish?
I didn't do it for me. I did it for her.
She deserves a doctor or a lawyer.
Someone for whom a T-shirt is an undergarment.
Look, I don't know what sort of twisted fantasy
you've concocted about you and Daphne.
I suppose it involves a comet hitting the earth and you
and she having to rebuild the species.
But trust me, Niles, it is not going to happen.
She needs a man that can do more for her than just smell her hair.
-Daphne! -What are you going to do?
You are going to fix this.
What am I gonna tell her?
Tell her the truth.
Only the truth shall make you clot.
Yes, Dr. Crane?
Yes, Daphne, Niles has something he wishes to discuss with you.
What is it, Dr. Crane?
Oh, look, you have a spot on your tie.
Well, earlier, [CLEARS THROAT] what I said about Joe.
I made a mistake.
He doesn't sleep around. He hasn't wrecked any homes.
And [SNIFFLES] the business about Mimsy Stanhope…
Oh, sorry.
Is there a john around here that ain't occupado?
You can use the master bedroom.
Joe never worked for Mimsy Stanhope.
He sure didn't.
I do all the work at Mimsy's.
She is one tough lady to satisfy.
You?
I'm the only guy who can make her happy.
Everybody knows that.
So that was the mistake you made.
Those stories you heard weren't about Joe.
They were about Bruce?
Hard to believe, isn't it?
But you know, when society women go slumming, they go all the way.
So you can tell Joe that you've changed your mind about going out with him.
Oh, no, I couldn't.
What would I say?
Well, just tell him the truth. Tell him that I heard stories that he…
Oh, no, bad idea.
Here, you wait here.
-Joe? -Yeah?
You have to ask Daphne out again.
Are you nuts? You heard what she said.
Yes, but if you ask her again, she'll say yes.
Hey, maybe I've changed my mind.
Oh, no, you haven't changed your mind.
You're just letting masculine vanity and hurt feelings keep you from something
that other men can only dream of in their oxblood,
Cetus leather, wing back chairs with the lights off.
Look, Dr. Crane, I just don't think it would work out, okay?
No, it's not okay.
If you had ever smelled her hair,
you'd know she's worth at least one more try.
She is an angel.
She is a goddess.
And she's waiting for you in the bathroom.
You… You got a minute?
[GROANS]
-We're never gonna make it. -[PHONE RINGS]
Daphne, would you please get that?
Jeez, I thought you were just gonna slit your wrists.
Looks like you went for death by a thousand cuts.
I cut myself because I was shaving without water.
And why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair which gouged the floor
which made me call for Joe
who found bad pipes which called for Cecil
who ate the cat that killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built!
That was the doorman.
-Senator Adler's limousine just pulled up. -Oh, it's over.
It's over.
Sing, fat lady, sing.
Frasier, what are we gonna do?
You're gonna give me your cash, both of you. Come on, hurry up.
Never mind why. Just hand it to me. Come on, be quick, Niles.
All right. You want all 700 dollars?
You carry 700 dollars in your wallet?
Well, Maris asked me to stop by the drugstore later.
Just hand it over.
Okay, guys, I got 700 and some odd dollars here.
If you can get everything cleared up before Frasier's buddies get up here,
it's yours to split any way you want on the way out.
Bribery? That's your big plan?
Let's go! Come on.
My God, it's starting to work!
It's starting to work!
Hey, here's another hundred I was holding out on my old man!
-Dr. Crane? -Yes.
Joe told me what you did.
I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Thank you.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
-[YELPS] -Did you feel that?
-We made a spark. -Oh, yes, we did.
I guess you were right.
It is just the carpet.
Okay, everybody, come on! Move it, move it, move it! We're outta here!
-You ready? -Good night.
Good night, Daphne. Have a good time.
Oh, my God, we did it!
We actually did it!
Oh, Dad please, please don't leave. I'd like you to stay.
I mean, you helped me get this put together tonight.
Thanks, Fras, that makes me feel good.
Not good enough to hang around with that bleeding heart,
softy-on-crime Senator Adler, but good.
Come on, Eddie, politicians are coming.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
They're here.
Senator Adler, Mayor, welcome to my humble abode.
You know you're outta TP in the can?
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night!