[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, we have time for one more caller. Roz?
We have Ed on line three.
Hello, Ed. I'm listening.
Ed?
Well, we seem to have lost Ed. Uh… [CHUCKLES]
Let's take another caller. On line four we have…
Roz?
We have…
Eye… Lean.
Eileen.
Hello, Eileen, I'm listening.
Dr. Crane, I've been very happily married for 20 years,
and I wouldn't dream of cheating.
But lately, when we're making love,
I find myself fantasizing about, um, people other than my husband.
Well, that's perfectly normal.
It's quite all right to spice up one's love life by imagining a tryst with,
oh, a sports figure, or a movie star, or…
Or a radio psychiatrist?
Excuse me?
Oh, it's your voice, Dr. Crane.
You must have the most sensuous voice on earth.
[SMOOTHLY] Oh, I don't know, Eileen.
I've never seen your picture. Would you mind describing yourself?
-I don't really think that's appropriate. -I'll do it.
Roz, I don't think…
He's about 6'1" with a granite jaw, the broad shoulders of a Marine.
He's been wearing his hair short lately,
but that only accentuates his cobalt-blue eyes,
his chiseled cheekbones, and his full, provocative lips.
Oh, thanks, Roz.
And thank you, Dr. Crane. I will be thinking of you tonight.
With any luck, twice.
Well, this is Dr. Frasier Crane feeling a little red in his chiseled cheeks.
Until tomorrow then, this is KACL 780 AM.
Oh, Roz, that was quite a flattering description.
You know, just out of curiosity, were you just helping that lady
with her fantasy, or do you see me that way?
You really don't know, do you?
Frasier, I am so attracted to you.
I always have been.
Your looks, your voice.
You don't know how many times I've wanted to strip naked
and hurl myself at that glass partition like a bug on a windshield.
-Are you through? -Well, ask a stupid question…
All right, Roz, I will see you tomorrow.
Aren't you gonna go to the staff meeting?
No, no, no, just tell them my aunt died.
I'm off to her lawyer's now. She put me in charge of her memorial.
-Oh, I'm so sorry. -Oh, don't be.
She was a dreadful old harpy. Made everyone's life around her miserable.
That should look nice on her headstone.
Well, I don't mean any disrespect, but the entire time I knew her,
she never said anything to me that wasn't scornful, derisive or contemptuous.
So how come she made you in charge of her memorial?
I was her favorite.
[DOOR OPENS]
-Evening, all. -MARTIN: Hi.
DAPHNE: Hello.
[EDDIE BARKS]
Dad, thought we had an agreement.
Eddie doesn't roll around on my sofa, and I don't throw him in front of a bus.
-Hello, Daphne. -Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
-Will you be joining us for dinner? -If it's not too much trouble.
It's Maris's night to host her book club
and they're more comfortable not having a man there.
Yes, apparently, Niles makes the ladies self-conscious.
Well, I sat in on the last discussion, and Mrs. Estebrook Kindred
developed a facial tic every time she had to say the word "Balzac."
So how'd it go with Aunt Louise's lawyer?
Did you get the old bat's affairs straightened out?
Ask her yourself.
Apparently, it was Aunt Louise's wish that Niles dispose of her ashes.
Now the pressure's on me to find the perfect place for her
to rest for eternity. I haven't the faintest idea what to do with her.
Why don't you just flush her down the toilet?
-Mr. Crane, you can't do that. -Why not? She loved the water.
Oh, that's it! The beach!
No, no, she hated seagulls. And vice-versa.
Oh, oh, oh… No!
It doesn't matter where I pick. You know it's not going to be good enough.
Whatever I did, she always found fault.
-Remember when I used to mow her lawn? -FRASIER: Yes.
How about the Christmas tree I bought her?
The ashtray I made at camp.
"Is that the best you could do? It wobbles."
I wish I had that ashtray now.
-So when's the memorial service? -Just two weeks after tomorrow.
Lucky, lucky me. Her last request was that I deliver the eulogy.
Oh, come on, now. You can handle it.
You just stand up there and say a few nice things.
-There aren't any! -Then make some up.
Everyone lies a little in a eulogy.
No, Daphne, I refuse to invent virtues the woman didn't have.
I just have to find something good I can honestly say about her.
Ah, good luck!
She was nothing but a crabby, tightfisted old pain!
All she ever did was sit around that house, day after day, watching TV.
She even kept that same old cruddy furniture all her life.
What?
Ooh, remember how she always used to complain about the winters?
Oh, yeah. Every year she was gonna take a trip to the South Pacific.
That was her big dream. But would she spend the money?
No.
She just sat around whining all the time
about how she'd like to be in a warmer climate.
My guess is, she finally made it.
I think it would be terribly sad to go through life having a secret dream
and never fulfilling it.
You'd never do anything silly like that, would you, Mr. Crane?
-What are you talking about? -Oh, I don't know.
Perhaps a little something involving a certain shoe box you keep hidden.
-Shoe box? -Forget it. It's not important.
Fine, if you don't want to talk about it, don't talk about it.
It's only something you've given over 30 years of your life to.
I didn't tell you that, so you'd go around blabbing it to everyone.
-Tell us, Dad, what's in the shoe box? -Nothing, all right?
-Wait a minute, you can't say nothing. -That's not nothing.
It's a shoe box. All right! All right.
It's just some songs I wrote…
For Frank Sinatra.
-And he keeps them in a shoe box. -I think your work here is done.
Dad?
Well, your mother and I used to listen to Sinatra all the time.
I knew most of his songs by heart.
I guess I got it into my head one day to try to write a song myself.
I'd be at the station house or on a stakeout,
and I'd get an idea and pretty soon I had a shoe box full.
I used to imagine your mother and I going to see Frank at the Sands in Vegas,
and he'd open the show with one of my songs.
Well, gee, Dad, why didn't you ever tell us about this?
Because it's stupid. They were no good.
No, no, no, don't bother to ask because I'm not letting ya see them.
Here they are, just like I told you, in a shoe box!
They're quite good, if you ask me.
-"You are the song my soul would sing." -Very poetic.
"You make my heart go ring-a-ding-ding."
That was during Frank's ring-a-ding period.
Good Lord, this shoe box is full of them.
"I didn't mean to hurt her. She made me lose my mind."
MARTIN: Hey, let me see that.
No, that's just some confession I took from a guy.
The lyrics are on the back.
Anyway, I never finished them. They weren't any good.
Well, except this one.
I gotta admit, this has got Frank Sinatra written all over it.
"She's Such a Groovy Lady."
See? It still has that nice contemporary sound.
So why don't you send it to Ol' Blue Eyes?
No. Just words scribbled on a piece of paper.
The tune's in my head. I don't know how to write it down.
Well, Niles and I do.
You got the tune in your head. Why don't you let us write it down for you?
-No, no. -We can finish this dream tonight.
-It's just a dumb idea. -Oh, come on, Dad.
Oh, you're wasting your breath trying to convince him to do something.
-Dad, come on. -No, come on. Now drop it.
Yeah, guess you're probably right.
You just sit there, night after night, watching TV.
Till the time finally comes when we collect your ashes
and scatter them over that chair where they'll probably go unnoticed.
All right.
-You mean it?! -All right, all right, okay.
-Oh, this is exciting! Oh, here, Niles. -Wait, I get the piano.
-No, no, no, I got the piano… -All right! All right!
Now, boys, the way I'm hearing the intro, it goes something like this…
[SCATTING]
Of course, it is your piano. You may want to…
[PIANO PLAYING]
No, no, no. It goes:
♪ Groovy lady of mine ♪
Then… [SCATTING]
So it's like, uh…
No, Niles, come on.
This is the big finish! [SCATTING]
Dad, Dad, in Niles' defense, after four hours, your "bobbidy-bas"
sound a lot like your "scoobedy-boop-bop-barns."
-Niles, let's just try it again. -NILES: All right, all right, like this?
-Yeah, that's it! -That's all right?
-Let's hear the chorus one more time. -NILES: Okay.
♪ She's such a groovy lady ♪
♪ She makes my heart go high-di, hey-di ♪
♪ She is the chick I spend my nights dreamin' of ♪
Niles. Dad, I don't mean to criticize, but that "high-di, hey-di,"
it sounds like Cab Calloway sung backwards.
You got any better suggestions?
Yes, yes, "She's like a wood, all cool and shady."
No, no, uh, "She makes the bravest cat go 'fraidy."
I've got it.
♪ She could have slept with Warren Beatty ♪
-Very nice, Daphne. -No, the line's fine.
-It's my line. Okay, keep singing. -Okay.
♪ Her lips are red as ruby ♪
♪ She makes my heart go scoobie-doobie ♪
♪ She is the broad who makes me coo-coo with love ♪
You know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't mean to quibble,
but it seems like your heart is always going either "high-di, hey-di,"
"ringy-dingy" or "scoobie-doobie."
Look, I don't need another critic.
Fine. Perhaps a cardiologist.
With all due respect, I think I'm a little more tuned into what Frank likes.
And this is pretty close to perfect the way it is.
Well…
MARTIN: How about that?
Thirty years and I finally finished it.
Congratulations, Dad.
-Well, Dad, job well done. -Thanks, guys.
Yeah, first thing tomorrow, I'm mailing it to Frank's people.
With a little help from lady luck,
maybe they'll kick it upstairs to the Chairman himself.
♪ She's such a groovy lady she makes my heart go crazy ♪
Aw, jeez, the service is in an hour.
Aren't you finished with that eulogy yet?
I can't even come up with a first line.
Got out this old photo album, hoping one of her pictures might inspire me.
How about this?
"We all loved Aunt Louise, even if the camera didn't."
Dr. Crane, you've been agonizing over this for two weeks.
Perhaps it's time to start bending the truth a little.
No. I refuse to lie.
I find it hard to believe there isn't one nice story you can tell about her.
Maybe a cute little saying she'd use?
I'm not sure that "Stop crying
or I'll give you something to cry about" would qualify.
Where are you off to?
Just gonna go check the mail.
I wish they'd just give him an answer about that song.
He must've made a hundred trips to the mailbox during the past two weeks.
Dear Lord. Bless you, Daphne. Are you sure you're up to coming to the memorial?
Oh, it's just a little cold.
And, besides, in my family, when there was a funeral, everybody went.
I remember when Grammy Moon passed on.
Me brothers had been off on a three-day bender.
They couldn't even stand up. They were all pissed as newts.
But they crawled to that funeral on their hands and knees.
-Very commendable. -[DOORBELL RINGS]
Yeah, well, they had an obligation. They were the pallbearers.
-Hello, Daphne. -Hello.
Dear Lord, Niles, don't tell me you haven't disposed of those ashes yet.
Frasier, I have taken them to a dozen locations, a bosky glade,
a murmuring brook, a moonlit pond.
None of them felt right. What am I going to do with her?
Well, winter's coming. The sidewalks are always slippery.
I'm having the same problem with the eulogy.
Oh, remember when that photo was taken?
The day Aunt Louise took me to Wilson's Meadow to fly a kite.
It cost her 39 cents, and when it got stuck in a tree,
she made me climb up after it.
I fell out and broke my collarbone in two places.
I think it's the only time I ever saw her laugh.
Frasier, I think she might be happy there.
-Niles, I think you're right. -And even if she's not, let's still do it.
Any news about your song?
Nah.
-Listen, we better get started. -FRASIER: All right.
Perhaps I'll have some inspiration on the way over in the car.
And Wilson's Meadow is on the way. We can stop and scatter the ashes.
-Fine. -Well, this sounds like a family affair.
Maybe I'll take my car and meet you there.
-MARTIN: All right, let's go. -Wilson's Meadow is the perfect place.
Aunt Louise, you have tormented me for two weeks,
but finally I have shown you I can do something right.
Oh, shut up!
Here, here. Yes, yes, perfect. Perfect.
Something's rattling in here.
It's like some great grisly maraca.
Oh, what am I gonna say at this memorial?
Don't ask me.
-You write lyrics, don't you? -Yeah, right.
Tell that to Sinatra.
Now, look, Dad, you know, it's a good song.
I even caught myself singing it in the shower this morning. Yeah.
Just 'cause you haven't heard anything yet doesn't mean…
-You have heard something? -Yeah.
This morning. They rejected it.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dad.
Oh, it's okay.
Sinatra must get thousands of songs sent to him. What did I expect?
Well, you know, at least you gave it your best shot.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, sure, it would've been nice to hear it sung, but, hey, I finished it.
Finally.
Yeah, I walked down that highway, climbed that mountain and reached for the stars.
Oh, sure, now I get hot.
I can't open the damn urn!
Oh, you are so helpless!
For Pete's sake! Give it to me.
I may have loosened it.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
Wow, looks like Louise's whole rest home showed up.
Must be liver and onions day in the cafeteria.
Apparently, when they heard Frasier Crane from the radio was speaking,
the whole rest home turned out.
They can't wait to hear what he has to say.
Neither can he.
He's huddled in the rectory, still working on his first sentence.
DAPHNE: How did the scattering go?
-Were there any problems? -No, nothing important.
Dear friends, thank you all for coming today.
I know how very deeply your friendship was treasured by Louise.
We are privileged to have with us her favorite nephew,
one of Seattle's most eloquent speakers, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Dr. Crane has spent the last fortnight reflecting on what Louise meant to him.
Dr. Crane?
Well, well, well.
[CLEARS THROAT]
What can I say about Aunt Louise?
What can I say?
Louise…
Touched us all.
In fact, she touches us still.
Aunt Louise…
…loved to teach us all lessons.
You know, it's hard to picture her without hearing her saying:
"I'm going to teach you a lesson."
One in particular comes to mind though.
By the very way she lived her own life,
she taught us how important it is to pursue our dreams.
Whether we succeed or fail, what really matters is that we tried.
And now, as I say goodbye to Louise,
a phrase comes to mind that was coined by my very own father.
"She's such a groovy lady."
I said, "She's such a groovy lady."
[PLAYING ORGAN]
♪ What a groovy lady, what a groovy lady ♪
♪ She's such a groovy lady, she makes my heart go high-di hey-di ♪
♪ She is the chick I spend my nights dreaming of ♪
♪ Her lips are red as ruby, she makes my heart go scoobie-doobie ♪
♪ She makes me want to shout hey, babe, you're so fine, so fine ♪
♪ She's got the whole world swingin' ♪
♪ She makes my heart start ring-a-dingin' ♪
♪ That very groovy lady of mine, of mine ♪
♪ That hubba-hubba groovy lady of mine ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Thank you!