1 00:00:02,059 --> 00:00:04,062 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:09,192 --> 00:00:13,280 You're on KACL with Dr. Frasier Crane. We have time for one more call. 3 00:00:13,822 --> 00:00:14,823 Hello, Gretchen. 4 00:00:15,366 --> 00:00:16,534 I'm listening. 5 00:00:16,618 --> 00:00:18,453 Well, you see, Dr. Crane, 6 00:00:19,037 --> 00:00:21,122 my husband is a fencing instructor, 7 00:00:21,206 --> 00:00:24,835 and lately he spends all his time with his wealthy new student. 8 00:00:24,919 --> 00:00:26,628 He's with her day and night, 9 00:00:26,712 --> 00:00:29,633 and I'm afraid there's some bumsen going on. 10 00:00:31,718 --> 00:00:34,179 Well, is this just an suspicion or… 11 00:00:34,263 --> 00:00:37,683 -Do you have any evidence? -No, it's just a feeling. 12 00:00:37,767 --> 00:00:42,104 Well, you know, in these matters, there's no simple way to know for sure. 13 00:00:42,188 --> 00:00:43,399 Yes, there is. 14 00:00:46,026 --> 00:00:47,576 Well, Gretchen, you're in luck. 15 00:00:47,861 --> 00:00:50,111 It just so happens we have in our studio today 16 00:00:50,490 --> 00:00:53,493 one of the world's five leading bumsen experts. 17 00:00:56,497 --> 00:00:58,665 If you want to know if a man is cheating, 18 00:00:58,749 --> 00:01:03,297 you offer him two choices for dinner, one that's fattening and one that's light. 19 00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:07,509 If he picks the calorie packed one, he doesn't mind turning into a pig, 20 00:01:07,593 --> 00:01:09,803 which means he's happily married and you're in the clear. 21 00:01:09,887 --> 00:01:11,972 You know, Roz, when I hear advice like that, 22 00:01:12,056 --> 00:01:15,769 it takes me wish there was a law against women gathering at a water cooler. 23 00:01:17,938 --> 00:01:20,608 -Now, Gretchen… -Does it really work, Roz? 24 00:01:21,651 --> 00:01:22,861 Oh, trust me. 25 00:01:23,445 --> 00:01:26,906 I'm going to do it. Thank you for your help, Roz. 26 00:01:26,990 --> 00:01:28,784 Oh, and you too, Dr. Crane. 27 00:01:29,827 --> 00:01:30,828 Don't mention it. 28 00:01:31,454 --> 00:01:32,455 Well… 29 00:01:33,122 --> 00:01:36,209 Dr. Crane and friends will be back tomorrow. 30 00:01:36,710 --> 00:01:38,210 Thanks for listening, Seattle. 31 00:01:40,964 --> 00:01:43,342 I know, you hate it when I butt into your show. 32 00:01:43,426 --> 00:01:44,427 And yet… 33 00:01:45,845 --> 00:01:48,807 You'll forgive me when you find out what I'm doing for you. 34 00:01:48,891 --> 00:01:51,351 There's this woman who lives in my building. 35 00:01:51,435 --> 00:01:55,106 -She's beautiful and funny. -No, just stop right there, Roz. 36 00:01:55,190 --> 00:01:56,357 I do not go out on blind dates. 37 00:01:56,441 --> 00:01:58,693 They're demeaning and a hideous waste of time. 38 00:01:59,361 --> 00:02:00,737 No, thank you. No. 39 00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:04,571 -It's not for you, it's for your father. -What time should he pick her up? 40 00:02:05,117 --> 00:02:08,037 Wait a minute. Blind dates are okay for your father but not for you? 41 00:02:08,121 --> 00:02:11,374 Yes, that also goes for games with balls, domestic beer and… 42 00:02:11,458 --> 00:02:13,585 Giant trucks that roll over smaller ones. 43 00:02:18,841 --> 00:02:20,885 NILES: "So you want to build a three-masted schooner." 44 00:02:20,969 --> 00:02:24,264 "Step 1: Before assembly, take inventory of all parts." 45 00:02:24,348 --> 00:02:26,266 We don't need to read all that. 46 00:02:26,350 --> 00:02:29,521 Yes, we do. It says here, in bold, "Read all instructions." 47 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:32,773 Just pass me the right side of the hull. 48 00:02:32,857 --> 00:02:36,862 You'll get that piece at Step 16 and not a moment sooner. 49 00:02:36,946 --> 00:02:40,575 -Can we get started here? -All right, Dad. 50 00:02:41,868 --> 00:02:44,168 "So you want to build a three-masted schooner." 51 00:02:45,038 --> 00:02:47,709 Give me that! You'll put your eye out. 52 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:54,507 Oh! Look at that! What a beautiful ship! 53 00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:58,391 -I bet you'll have fun building that. -Not as much fun as reading about it. 54 00:02:59,138 --> 00:03:03,309 Did I ever mention one of my ancestors was a mutineer on HMS Bounty? 55 00:03:03,393 --> 00:03:04,393 MARTIN: No kidding. 56 00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:07,773 Yeah, well, he made it safely to Pitcairn Island 57 00:03:07,857 --> 00:03:10,151 where he was fruitful and multiplied. 58 00:03:10,818 --> 00:03:15,740 For all I know, there's some girl who looks exactly like me in the South Seas, 59 00:03:15,824 --> 00:03:19,537 frolicking in the surf, brown-skinned and bare breasted. 60 00:03:26,295 --> 00:03:28,395 So you want to build a two-masted schooner? 61 00:03:29,798 --> 00:03:32,301 Schooner? I thought it was a frigate. 62 00:03:32,385 --> 00:03:34,220 No, no, a frigate has a fore-and-aft mainsail. 63 00:03:34,304 --> 00:03:38,057 -No, no. That's a brigantine. -Well, what's a frigate? 64 00:03:38,141 --> 00:03:40,186 That's when you just don't give a damn. 65 00:03:46,151 --> 00:03:48,194 -Hello. -Hello there. 66 00:03:48,278 --> 00:03:50,196 FRASIER: Niles, are you spending the evening with us? 67 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:53,659 Yes. My Maris misses me, but feels family comes first. 68 00:03:53,743 --> 00:03:57,329 She saw this model and felt I should share it with Dad. 69 00:03:57,413 --> 00:04:00,167 -She wanted you out of the house? -Like a musty smell. 70 00:04:02,586 --> 00:04:04,756 Dad, I have a proposal for you. 71 00:04:05,507 --> 00:04:07,675 There's a woman in Roz's building that… 72 00:04:08,343 --> 00:04:09,885 Would like to go out with you. 73 00:04:09,969 --> 00:04:12,723 Roz says she's got a wonderful personality. 74 00:04:12,807 --> 00:04:15,059 Oh, I guess that means I'm the pretty one. 75 00:04:19,105 --> 00:04:22,984 -Tell Roz thanks but no thanks. -You're making a mistake. 76 00:04:23,068 --> 00:04:26,530 Trying new things is what keeps us all young and vibrant. 77 00:04:26,614 --> 00:04:27,823 You're right, Daphne. 78 00:04:27,907 --> 00:04:31,536 For weeks, Maris floated in a sensory deprivation tank, 79 00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:34,915 but now she's taken up fencing and I've never seen her more vital. 80 00:04:38,878 --> 00:04:42,048 She stays up late into the evening, working with her instructor. 81 00:04:44,009 --> 00:04:47,179 -Maris has a fencing instructor? -Yes. 82 00:04:47,263 --> 00:04:50,266 Gunnar was the Bavarian champion three years running. 83 00:04:51,017 --> 00:04:52,227 He's Bavarian? 84 00:04:55,188 --> 00:04:57,488 You're full of questions I've already answered. 85 00:04:57,900 --> 00:04:58,901 Am I? 86 00:05:03,114 --> 00:05:04,115 He doesn't speak English. 87 00:05:04,199 --> 00:05:07,619 So Maris practices German while she parries and thrusts. 88 00:05:09,872 --> 00:05:11,874 Maris is learning German, huh? 89 00:05:11,958 --> 00:05:14,508 Just when you thought she couldn't get any cuddlier. 90 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:21,240 -Dad, did you take the spanking aft? -Yeah, I pre-glued it for you. 91 00:05:22,344 --> 00:05:23,554 Good job! 92 00:05:23,638 --> 00:05:27,475 Not to worry. This used to happen to my brothers all the time. 93 00:05:27,559 --> 00:05:30,354 I can get it off with nail polish remover. Come with me. 94 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:35,818 -So your brothers built models? -No, I suspect they just sniffed glue. 95 00:05:37,362 --> 00:05:40,412 -That can cause brain damage. -Well, then, that confirms it. 96 00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:44,996 Dad. Dad. I have to talk to you about Niles. 97 00:05:45,538 --> 00:05:49,292 I got a call from a German woman whose husband is a fencing instructor 98 00:05:49,376 --> 00:05:52,630 that she suspects is having an affair with his wealthy new client. 99 00:05:54,757 --> 00:05:56,133 And? 100 00:05:56,217 --> 00:06:00,304 -Don't you find it incriminating? -No, it's a coincidence. 101 00:06:00,388 --> 00:06:01,389 Seattle's a big city. 102 00:06:01,473 --> 00:06:05,352 I'm sure German fencing instructors have dozens of students. 103 00:06:05,436 --> 00:06:07,312 -But are they wealthy students? -No. 104 00:06:07,396 --> 00:06:12,027 They're working their way out of the ghetto with a foil and a dream. 105 00:06:13,737 --> 00:06:18,493 In the midst of that slag heap of sarcasm, there may be a kernel of truth. 106 00:06:19,327 --> 00:06:22,163 Guess I could be letting my imagination run away with me. 107 00:06:22,247 --> 00:06:25,458 Just trust me. Forget it. Help me put this model together. 108 00:06:25,542 --> 00:06:26,842 Oh, my God. You know what? 109 00:06:27,294 --> 00:06:29,630 I remember how Niles used to love these models. 110 00:06:29,714 --> 00:06:32,508 Remember that Christmas Mom got him 111 00:06:32,592 --> 00:06:36,388 "The Visible Man and Woman"? He had to glue the internal organs in. 112 00:06:36,472 --> 00:06:38,307 I remember you two fighting. 113 00:06:38,391 --> 00:06:41,091 Niles was getting on my nerves, so I stole his ovaries. 114 00:06:45,190 --> 00:06:48,040 There's a conversation I'm glad I missed the beginning of. 115 00:06:53,658 --> 00:06:57,495 -FRASIER: Sorry, I'm late, Roz. -Did you ask your dad about the date? 116 00:06:57,579 --> 00:06:59,873 -He's not interested. -Oh, darn it. 117 00:06:59,957 --> 00:07:03,169 I got her hopes up. Would you consider going out with her? 118 00:07:03,253 --> 00:07:06,505 Sorry. I've had my quota of pity dates. 119 00:07:06,589 --> 00:07:09,089 But this time you wouldn't be the one being pitied. 120 00:07:12,013 --> 00:07:15,683 Oh, listen, we have a great call to start the show off with. 121 00:07:15,767 --> 00:07:18,978 The guy on line three found out his girlfriend is his sister. 122 00:07:19,062 --> 00:07:20,522 -Wow! -[LAUGHS] 123 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:23,442 -Oh, yeah. That German woman called back. -Gretchen? 124 00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:24,693 Yeah. 125 00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:26,028 I want her first. 126 00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,448 What do I say to the guy dating his sister? 127 00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:30,632 Tell him to hang on. We've all been there. 128 00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:38,376 Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL. 129 00:07:38,460 --> 00:07:40,420 Let's get right to the phones. Roz? 130 00:07:40,504 --> 00:07:43,048 Gretchen's calling back about her husband's affair. 131 00:07:43,132 --> 00:07:46,803 -She thinks she has more evidence. -Hello, Gretchen. I'm listening. 132 00:07:46,887 --> 00:07:48,388 Oh, Dr. Crane. 133 00:07:48,472 --> 00:07:50,431 I took Roz's advice 134 00:07:50,515 --> 00:07:53,143 and gave my husband two choices for dinner, 135 00:07:53,227 --> 00:07:55,980 and he picked the diet plate! 136 00:07:57,356 --> 00:07:59,358 That is no proof he's having an affair. 137 00:07:59,442 --> 00:08:03,613 -But Gunnar has a healthy appetite. -No, no, no. The proof is… 138 00:08:03,697 --> 00:08:06,367 Phone bills, credit card receipts. Gunnar? 139 00:08:10,789 --> 00:08:13,375 I also found a love letter. 140 00:08:13,459 --> 00:08:16,586 How long were you going to keep that secret? Work with me here. 141 00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:17,755 What does it say? 142 00:08:18,422 --> 00:08:20,300 [GRETCHEN SPEAKS IN GERMAN] 143 00:08:20,926 --> 00:08:22,719 I'm sorry. I don't speak German. 144 00:08:23,386 --> 00:08:26,057 It means "my little liver dumpling." 145 00:08:26,808 --> 00:08:31,228 -That used to be his pet name for me. -Well, maybe he's writing to you. 146 00:08:31,312 --> 00:08:32,522 It can't be me. 147 00:08:32,606 --> 00:08:35,442 He says he loves her beautiful, little body, 148 00:08:35,526 --> 00:08:39,488 as thin as his sword and her skin as white as bratwurst, 149 00:08:39,572 --> 00:08:42,492 and that she's his nicht eine menschliche Frau. 150 00:08:44,202 --> 00:08:45,204 What is that? 151 00:08:45,704 --> 00:08:48,165 I don't know if there's an English word. 152 00:08:48,249 --> 00:08:50,584 The closest translation is… 153 00:08:51,502 --> 00:08:53,713 Not-quite-human woman. 154 00:08:58,761 --> 00:08:59,929 Dear God. It is her. 155 00:09:00,555 --> 00:09:04,016 -What should I do? -I don't know. I need time to think. 156 00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:05,310 Let's go to commercial. 157 00:09:11,860 --> 00:09:12,902 Hello. We're back. 158 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:15,237 Gretchen, I have considered your problem. 159 00:09:15,321 --> 00:09:19,618 You must confront your husband and insist that he end this affair. 160 00:09:19,702 --> 00:09:20,952 What if he won't? 161 00:09:21,036 --> 00:09:23,914 But he has to! Innocent people are being hurt. 162 00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:27,085 Tell him how much he means to you. Are there children? 163 00:09:27,169 --> 00:09:28,753 -No. -Damn! 164 00:09:30,046 --> 00:09:35,094 Still, it must be a clean break. He must never see this woman again. 165 00:09:35,178 --> 00:09:37,514 We never had these problems back home. 166 00:09:37,598 --> 00:09:41,185 Well, maybe you should return to the loving bosom of Bavaria. 167 00:09:41,768 --> 00:09:43,980 How did you know we were from Bavaria? 168 00:09:47,901 --> 00:09:50,987 Well, I'm a master of dialect. 169 00:09:51,071 --> 00:09:54,992 I noticed there was a glottal quality to the occlusion of your diphthongs. 170 00:09:56,952 --> 00:09:58,871 I'm originally from Austria. 171 00:09:58,955 --> 00:10:01,505 Do you want to split hairs or get your husband back? 172 00:10:03,251 --> 00:10:05,838 -It's time for another commercial. -Another commercial? 173 00:10:05,922 --> 00:10:07,340 Yes, Roz another commercial! 174 00:10:11,470 --> 00:10:14,598 -What is going on? -Why do you think something's going on? 175 00:10:16,350 --> 00:10:19,979 Well, when the person giving advice sounds crazier than the caller, 176 00:10:20,063 --> 00:10:21,648 I think something's going on. 177 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:24,484 Nothing's going on. 178 00:10:24,568 --> 00:10:28,280 You know who the liver dumpling is, don't you? 179 00:10:30,533 --> 00:10:31,742 All right, yes. 180 00:10:31,826 --> 00:10:34,626 But it's nobody you know. Her husband's a friend of mine. 181 00:10:34,913 --> 00:10:38,584 -How can I tell him? -Don't tell the person being cheated on. 182 00:10:38,668 --> 00:10:42,318 You confront the person who's cheating. Didn't Harvard teach you anything? 183 00:10:43,006 --> 00:10:45,091 I can't do that. 184 00:10:45,175 --> 00:10:49,555 It's easy. You tell her you know she's been mattress surfing. 185 00:10:49,639 --> 00:10:51,389 And if she won't stop, you'll tell. 186 00:10:52,475 --> 00:10:54,935 It's not that easy. You don't know her. 187 00:10:55,019 --> 00:10:56,897 She can't deal with confrontation. 188 00:10:56,981 --> 00:10:59,983 I once questioned the political correctness of serving veal 189 00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:03,517 and we found her in the garage with the engine running on a golf cart. 190 00:11:03,822 --> 00:11:06,616 Whoa. It's Maris. 191 00:11:16,962 --> 00:11:18,463 [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 192 00:11:18,547 --> 00:11:19,797 Mrs. Crane is in the box? 193 00:11:27,181 --> 00:11:28,182 Maris! 194 00:11:29,310 --> 00:11:30,352 This is Frasier. 195 00:11:30,436 --> 00:11:33,647 I'm tired of waiting for you to come out of this ridiculous tank. 196 00:11:33,731 --> 00:11:35,692 We've got to talk about Niles. 197 00:11:37,277 --> 00:11:38,627 Will you come out of there? 198 00:11:40,530 --> 00:11:41,866 Look, Maris… 199 00:11:44,118 --> 00:11:45,995 I know you're having an affair. 200 00:11:47,288 --> 00:11:51,168 I care for you both and I want to help you do what's best for your marriage. 201 00:11:53,545 --> 00:11:54,964 Will you stop this? 202 00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:57,925 Just come… 203 00:11:58,009 --> 00:11:59,176 Come out of this box! 204 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,847 All right, I'm going to open this door. 205 00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:05,364 I'm going to count to three. I don't care if you're naked. 206 00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:07,401 I'm going to count to ten. 207 00:12:10,315 --> 00:12:12,067 To hell with this! All right! 208 00:12:13,109 --> 00:12:14,111 [GASPS] 209 00:12:23,163 --> 00:12:23,997 Niles… 210 00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:27,167 I'm so sorry. Marta. 211 00:12:27,251 --> 00:12:30,713 -You said Mrs. Crane was in the box! -Si, Missy Crane. 212 00:12:30,797 --> 00:12:32,632 No, that's Mr. Crane! 213 00:12:33,592 --> 00:12:35,636 Marta has trouble with her pronouns. 214 00:12:42,268 --> 00:12:46,147 -I'm worried. He's sensitive. -You're right, Dad. 215 00:12:46,231 --> 00:12:48,775 Maybe we shouldn't let on how worried we are. 216 00:12:48,859 --> 00:12:50,444 It will add to his anxiety. 217 00:12:50,528 --> 00:12:53,197 If we coddle him, he'll think the world's ended. 218 00:12:53,281 --> 00:12:54,825 [DOORBELL RINGS] 219 00:12:58,245 --> 00:12:59,747 -Hello, Niles. -Hi, son. 220 00:13:04,335 --> 00:13:07,672 -It's okay. -It's okay, Niles. Come on. 221 00:13:07,756 --> 00:13:08,924 It's all right. 222 00:13:11,552 --> 00:13:14,052 -We're all here for you, son. -My little brother. 223 00:13:15,974 --> 00:13:19,436 -Frasier, pour him a glass of brandy. -Yes, yes, yes. 224 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:23,607 Oh, God. I'm all out of brandy. I have a marvelous sherry, 225 00:13:23,691 --> 00:13:28,321 some fine ports and a lovely bottle of 12-year-old unblended scotch. 226 00:13:28,405 --> 00:13:31,158 -It's a bit peaty… -Just pour him a drink! 227 00:13:33,244 --> 00:13:34,829 -What happened, son? -[SIGHS] 228 00:13:35,705 --> 00:13:37,414 -Nothing. -Nothing? 229 00:13:37,498 --> 00:13:41,044 When I left, you were about to storm up to her room and have it out with her. 230 00:13:41,128 --> 00:13:41,961 NILES: I know. 231 00:13:42,045 --> 00:13:46,801 I thought of questions to fire at her, but when I reached her door, I froze. 232 00:13:47,469 --> 00:13:50,805 I turned and walked out of the house, got in the car and started driving. 233 00:13:50,889 --> 00:13:53,267 Well, I'm glad you ended up here. 234 00:13:54,351 --> 00:13:56,701 Actually, I ended up at the Oregon border check. 235 00:13:59,483 --> 00:14:01,733 I had fruit in the car, so I had to turn back. 236 00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:11,788 What will I do? She's my whole life. 237 00:14:11,872 --> 00:14:14,040 You know, Maris may have… 238 00:14:14,124 --> 00:14:17,794 Temporarily succumbed to Gunnar's Teutonic charms, but… 239 00:14:18,838 --> 00:14:23,134 In the end, I'm sure she'll choose the man who's intelligent and sensitive. 240 00:14:23,801 --> 00:14:24,803 Frasier, 241 00:14:24,887 --> 00:14:27,937 that's just something we used to tell ourselves in chess club. 242 00:14:33,104 --> 00:14:35,898 The truth is, women don't want men of intellect. 243 00:14:35,982 --> 00:14:40,320 -They want men of action, like Gunnar. -It has nothing to do with Gunnar. 244 00:14:40,404 --> 00:14:42,156 It's about you and Maris. 245 00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:45,827 Remember your advice when I had problems with Lilith? 246 00:14:46,745 --> 00:14:50,457 You said I should talk to her and find out why she did what she did. 247 00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:53,211 It's one thing to give advice, another to take it. 248 00:14:54,420 --> 00:14:56,547 Hey, Fras, didn't, uh, 249 00:14:56,631 --> 00:15:01,470 you and Lilith write articles on the keys to a successful marriage? 250 00:15:01,554 --> 00:15:04,641 -Yes, we did. -It might help Niles to read them. 251 00:15:05,225 --> 00:15:08,269 Well, all right. I've only got half. 252 00:15:08,353 --> 00:15:10,603 Lilith got the rest in the divorce settlement. 253 00:15:13,609 --> 00:15:16,822 Now that we got rid of the foghorn, here's the way to handle it. 254 00:15:17,531 --> 00:15:20,742 Remember this happened between your mother and I? 255 00:15:20,826 --> 00:15:24,413 -Right. -Well, I took it up with the other man. 256 00:15:24,497 --> 00:15:27,547 I told him if it ever happened again, he'd be the other woman. 257 00:15:29,210 --> 00:15:31,880 There was a lot more that we had to do to keep our marriage together, 258 00:15:31,964 --> 00:15:35,134 but at least that let your mother know how much I cared for her. 259 00:15:36,678 --> 00:15:40,097 Should I grab Gunnar by the scruff of the neck and throw him out? 260 00:15:40,181 --> 00:15:42,601 -Why not? -I've been fantasizing about it. 261 00:15:43,644 --> 00:15:45,103 It's just not me though. 262 00:15:45,187 --> 00:15:46,772 Although maybe it should be me. 263 00:15:47,481 --> 00:15:50,861 No, I've got to speak to Maris eventually. Although… 264 00:15:51,862 --> 00:15:54,531 If I do it your way, I'm going at it from a position of strength. 265 00:15:54,615 --> 00:15:56,284 -Yeah. -I'll do it, Dad. 266 00:15:57,035 --> 00:16:00,412 Tonight it's Gunnar who will be taught a lesson. 267 00:16:00,496 --> 00:16:02,624 That's my boy! Sure you're up to it? 268 00:16:02,708 --> 00:16:03,709 Yes, I am! 269 00:16:04,835 --> 00:16:08,923 I'm pumped, I'm psyched, and I just swallowed an entire twist of lemon. 270 00:16:11,134 --> 00:16:14,303 -Did I just hear Niles leave? -He went to straighten out Gunnar. 271 00:16:14,387 --> 00:16:19,393 God, Dad, how could you let him go? What if Gunnar wants to fight? 272 00:16:19,477 --> 00:16:23,022 It's still better this way. He's found his manhood. 273 00:16:23,106 --> 00:16:26,777 I'll be happy if he traded in some teeth for his cojones. 274 00:16:31,449 --> 00:16:34,369 I've got to stop walking in on the middle of conversations. 275 00:16:44,089 --> 00:16:45,090 There you are. 276 00:16:45,632 --> 00:16:47,801 Yes, I'm talking to you, strudel boy! 277 00:16:50,054 --> 00:16:52,139 No one gets away with seducing my wife. 278 00:16:53,307 --> 00:16:56,144 You probably thought because of my swimmer's build, 279 00:16:56,228 --> 00:16:57,979 I wouldn't fight for her. 280 00:16:58,063 --> 00:17:01,567 But you're wrong because real men have a thing called honor. 281 00:17:02,402 --> 00:17:03,569 Yow! 282 00:17:05,571 --> 00:17:07,532 -You wouldn't know about that. -Niles. 283 00:17:07,616 --> 00:17:11,286 You don't know how to behave. You don't know the meaning of rectitude. 284 00:17:11,370 --> 00:17:15,834 Niles, he doesn't know the meaning of dog. He doesn't speak English! 285 00:17:16,710 --> 00:17:19,713 [BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN] 286 00:17:20,798 --> 00:17:21,799 Marta? 287 00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:24,593 You speak German? 288 00:17:25,219 --> 00:17:26,220 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 289 00:17:30,809 --> 00:17:33,103 [BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 290 00:17:38,443 --> 00:17:41,443 She worked for a German family that turned up in Guatemala… 291 00:17:41,864 --> 00:17:43,157 Just after the war. 292 00:17:47,954 --> 00:17:49,747 Well, good. She can translate for me. 293 00:17:49,831 --> 00:17:52,166 -Tell her to tell him… -Niles, just wait! 294 00:17:52,250 --> 00:17:54,336 -What? -Look at him. 295 00:17:54,420 --> 00:17:56,254 If he knew you were calling him strudel boy, 296 00:17:56,338 --> 00:17:57,506 he'd wipe his feet on your face. 297 00:17:57,590 --> 00:18:00,677 If there are scuffs, they'll be scuffs of honor. 298 00:18:00,761 --> 00:18:03,889 How dare you steal my wife! Translate. 299 00:18:04,681 --> 00:18:05,682 All right. 300 00:18:06,559 --> 00:18:08,394 [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 301 00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:18,614 [SPEAKING IN GERMAN] 302 00:18:22,744 --> 00:18:24,954 All right, fine, you want to challenge me? 303 00:18:26,290 --> 00:18:27,332 En garde! 304 00:18:27,416 --> 00:18:30,169 That's just what we need, a fourth language! 305 00:18:33,423 --> 00:18:36,426 -Niles, you can't possibly fight this man. -You forget. 306 00:18:36,510 --> 00:18:40,013 -I've been fencing since prep school. -So what? 307 00:18:40,097 --> 00:18:43,976 He was born with a sword in his hand. He probably performed his own Caesarean. 308 00:18:48,106 --> 00:18:49,806 Oh, my God. He's going to kill me. 309 00:18:53,154 --> 00:18:54,239 Fahrvergnügen! 310 00:19:08,463 --> 00:19:12,051 -[SPEAKING IN GERMAN] -Oh, very nice, very nice. Thank you. 311 00:19:40,709 --> 00:19:42,377 -[PIANO KEYS THUD] -Ha-ha-ha! 312 00:20:03,693 --> 00:20:04,820 Niles! 313 00:20:06,488 --> 00:20:08,616 Niles, hang on! Are you all right? 314 00:20:09,408 --> 00:20:10,619 [SPEAKING IN GERMAN] 315 00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:14,581 Is he giving up? 316 00:20:15,332 --> 00:20:17,584 [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 317 00:20:17,668 --> 00:20:21,422 He wants you to apologize. He didn't steal… your shoes. 318 00:20:30,266 --> 00:20:32,644 -My shoes? -Yes, I'm sorry. 319 00:20:34,437 --> 00:20:35,837 Apparently, I mistranslated. 320 00:20:37,775 --> 00:20:38,942 He didn't mean… 321 00:20:39,026 --> 00:20:41,611 Not shoes, wife. Uh… 322 00:20:41,695 --> 00:20:43,365 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 323 00:20:45,367 --> 00:20:47,202 [BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN] 324 00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:03,220 [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 325 00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:06,265 He couldn't help it. Maris is irresistible. Irresistible? 326 00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,312 [BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN] 327 00:21:10,396 --> 00:21:11,397 -Si. -Okay. 328 00:21:16,319 --> 00:21:17,403 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 329 00:21:17,487 --> 00:21:19,572 -Oh, but she refused him. -Really? 330 00:21:19,656 --> 00:21:21,706 -[SPEAKS IN SPANISH] -[SPEAKS IN GERMAN] 331 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:29,208 What did Maris say? 332 00:21:29,292 --> 00:21:32,254 -[SPEAKS IN SPANISH] -[SPEAKS IN GERMAN] 333 00:21:33,672 --> 00:21:36,759 -[SPEAKS IN GERMAN] -[SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 334 00:21:36,843 --> 00:21:38,803 -"I love Niles." -She loves me. 335 00:21:40,138 --> 00:21:42,725 Oh, she loves me. My marriage is whole. 336 00:21:45,352 --> 00:21:47,502 In five seconds, tell him he's fired. Maris! 337 00:21:49,774 --> 00:21:52,860 If only I could help Gunnar and Gretchen. 338 00:21:52,944 --> 00:21:55,072 -Gretchen? -FRASIER: Ja, ja. 339 00:21:55,156 --> 00:21:57,407 Tell him his wife loves him very much. 340 00:21:57,491 --> 00:21:59,493 [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 341 00:22:02,372 --> 00:22:04,124 [SPEAKS IN GERMAN] 342 00:22:06,084 --> 00:22:09,004 -[SPEAKS IN GERMAN] -No, no, not me, you! You! 343 00:22:09,088 --> 00:22:13,259 Marta, damn your pronoun problems! All right, you hapless wretch! 344 00:22:16,513 --> 00:22:17,597 [THEME SONG PLAYING] 345 00:22:17,681 --> 00:22:19,641 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪ 346 00:22:19,725 --> 00:22:22,437 ♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 347 00:22:23,354 --> 00:22:24,563 Oh, my. 348 00:22:24,647 --> 00:22:26,857 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪ 349 00:22:26,941 --> 00:22:29,611 ♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged! ♪ 350 00:22:29,695 --> 00:22:31,863 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 351 00:22:31,947 --> 00:22:33,818 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 352 00:22:33,902 --> 00:22:36,828 ♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 353 00:22:37,871 --> 00:22:40,081 ♪ They're calling again ♪ 354 00:22:40,165 --> 00:22:42,877 Frasier has left the building.