[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
You're on KACL with Dr. Frasier Crane. We have time for one more call.
Hello, Gretchen.
I'm listening.
Well, you see, Dr. Crane,
my husband is a fencing instructor,
and lately he spends all his time with his wealthy new student.
He's with her day and night,
and I'm afraid there's some bumsen going on.
Well, is this just an suspicion or…
-Do you have any evidence? -No, it's just a feeling.
Well, you know, in these matters, there's no simple way to know for sure.
Yes, there is.
Well, Gretchen, you're in luck.
It just so happens we have in our studio today
one of the world's five leading bumsen experts.
If you want to know if a man is cheating,
you offer him two choices for dinner, one that's fattening and one that's light.
If he picks the calorie packed one, he doesn't mind turning into a pig,
which means he's happily married and you're in the clear.
You know, Roz, when I hear advice like that,
it takes me wish there was a law against women gathering at a water cooler.
-Now, Gretchen… -Does it really work, Roz?
Oh, trust me.
I'm going to do it. Thank you for your help, Roz.
Oh, and you too, Dr. Crane.
Don't mention it.
Well…
Dr. Crane and friends will be back tomorrow.
Thanks for listening, Seattle.
I know, you hate it when I butt into your show.
And yet…
You'll forgive me when you find out what I'm doing for you.
There's this woman who lives in my building.
-She's beautiful and funny. -No, just stop right there, Roz.
I do not go out on blind dates.
They're demeaning and a hideous waste of time.
No, thank you. No.
-It's not for you, it's for your father. -What time should he pick her up?
Wait a minute. Blind dates are okay for your father but not for you?
Yes, that also goes for games with balls, domestic beer and…
Giant trucks that roll over smaller ones.
NILES: "So you want to build a three-masted schooner."
"Step 1: Before assembly, take inventory of all parts."
We don't need to read all that.
Yes, we do. It says here, in bold, "Read all instructions."
Just pass me the right side of the hull.
You'll get that piece at Step 16 and not a moment sooner.
-Can we get started here? -All right, Dad.
"So you want to build a three-masted schooner."
Give me that! You'll put your eye out.
Oh! Look at that! What a beautiful ship!
-I bet you'll have fun building that. -Not as much fun as reading about it.
Did I ever mention one of my ancestors was a mutineer on HMS Bounty?
MARTIN: No kidding.
Yeah, well, he made it safely to Pitcairn Island
where he was fruitful and multiplied.
For all I know, there's some girl who looks exactly like me in the South Seas,
frolicking in the surf, brown-skinned and bare breasted.
So you want to build a two-masted schooner?
Schooner? I thought it was a frigate.
No, no, a frigate has a fore-and-aft mainsail.
-No, no. That's a brigantine. -Well, what's a frigate?
That's when you just don't give a damn.
-Hello. -Hello there.
FRASIER: Niles, are you spending the evening with us?
Yes. My Maris misses me, but feels family comes first.
She saw this model and felt I should share it with Dad.
-She wanted you out of the house? -Like a musty smell.
Dad, I have a proposal for you.
There's a woman in Roz's building that…
Would like to go out with you.
Roz says she's got a wonderful personality.
Oh, I guess that means I'm the pretty one.
-Tell Roz thanks but no thanks. -You're making a mistake.
Trying new things is what keeps us all young and vibrant.
You're right, Daphne.
For weeks, Maris floated in a sensory deprivation tank,
but now she's taken up fencing and I've never seen her more vital.
She stays up late into the evening, working with her instructor.
-Maris has a fencing instructor? -Yes.
Gunnar was the Bavarian champion three years running.
He's Bavarian?
You're full of questions I've already answered.
Am I?
He doesn't speak English.
So Maris practices German while she parries and thrusts.
Maris is learning German, huh?
Just when you thought she couldn't get any cuddlier.
-Dad, did you take the spanking aft? -Yeah, I pre-glued it for you.
Good job!
Not to worry. This used to happen to my brothers all the time.
I can get it off with nail polish remover. Come with me.
-So your brothers built models? -No, I suspect they just sniffed glue.
-That can cause brain damage. -Well, then, that confirms it.
Dad. Dad. I have to talk to you about Niles.
I got a call from a German woman whose husband is a fencing instructor
that she suspects is having an affair with his wealthy new client.
And?
-Don't you find it incriminating? -No, it's a coincidence.
Seattle's a big city.
I'm sure German fencing instructors have dozens of students.
-But are they wealthy students? -No.
They're working their way out of the ghetto with a foil and a dream.
In the midst of that slag heap of sarcasm, there may be a kernel of truth.
Guess I could be letting my imagination run away with me.
Just trust me. Forget it. Help me put this model together.
Oh, my God. You know what?
I remember how Niles used to love these models.
Remember that Christmas Mom got him
"The Visible Man and Woman"? He had to glue the internal organs in.
I remember you two fighting.
Niles was getting on my nerves, so I stole his ovaries.
There's a conversation I'm glad I missed the beginning of.
-FRASIER: Sorry, I'm late, Roz. -Did you ask your dad about the date?
-He's not interested. -Oh, darn it.
I got her hopes up. Would you consider going out with her?
Sorry. I've had my quota of pity dates.
But this time you wouldn't be the one being pitied.
Oh, listen, we have a great call to start the show off with.
The guy on line three found out his girlfriend is his sister.
-Wow! -[LAUGHS]
-Oh, yeah. That German woman called back. -Gretchen?
Yeah.
I want her first.
What do I say to the guy dating his sister?
Tell him to hang on. We've all been there.
Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL.
Let's get right to the phones. Roz?
Gretchen's calling back about her husband's affair.
-She thinks she has more evidence. -Hello, Gretchen. I'm listening.
Oh, Dr. Crane.
I took Roz's advice
and gave my husband two choices for dinner,
and he picked the diet plate!
That is no proof he's having an affair.
-But Gunnar has a healthy appetite. -No, no, no. The proof is…
Phone bills, credit card receipts. Gunnar?
I also found a love letter.
How long were you going to keep that secret? Work with me here.
What does it say?
[GRETCHEN SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
I'm sorry. I don't speak German.
It means "my little liver dumpling."
-That used to be his pet name for me. -Well, maybe he's writing to you.
It can't be me.
He says he loves her beautiful, little body,
as thin as his sword and her skin as white as bratwurst,
and that she's his nicht eine menschliche Frau.
What is that?
I don't know if there's an English word.
The closest translation is…
Not-quite-human woman.
Dear God. It is her.
-What should I do? -I don't know. I need time to think.
Let's go to commercial.
Hello. We're back.
Gretchen, I have considered your problem.
You must confront your husband and insist that he end this affair.
What if he won't?
But he has to! Innocent people are being hurt.
Tell him how much he means to you. Are there children?
-No. -Damn!
Still, it must be a clean break. He must never see this woman again.
We never had these problems back home.
Well, maybe you should return to the loving bosom of Bavaria.
How did you know we were from Bavaria?
Well, I'm a master of dialect.
I noticed there was a glottal quality to the occlusion of your diphthongs.
I'm originally from Austria.
Do you want to split hairs or get your husband back?
-It's time for another commercial. -Another commercial?
Yes, Roz another commercial!
-What is going on? -Why do you think something's going on?
Well, when the person giving advice sounds crazier than the caller,
I think something's going on.
Nothing's going on.
You know who the liver dumpling is, don't you?
All right, yes.
But it's nobody you know. Her husband's a friend of mine.
-How can I tell him? -Don't tell the person being cheated on.
You confront the person who's cheating. Didn't Harvard teach you anything?
I can't do that.
It's easy. You tell her you know she's been mattress surfing.
And if she won't stop, you'll tell.
It's not that easy. You don't know her.
She can't deal with confrontation.
I once questioned the political correctness of serving veal
and we found her in the garage with the engine running on a golf cart.
Whoa. It's Maris.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Mrs. Crane is in the box?
Maris!
This is Frasier.
I'm tired of waiting for you to come out of this ridiculous tank.
We've got to talk about Niles.
Will you come out of there?
Look, Maris…
I know you're having an affair.
I care for you both and I want to help you do what's best for your marriage.
Will you stop this?
Just come…
Come out of this box!
All right, I'm going to open this door.
I'm going to count to three. I don't care if you're naked.
I'm going to count to ten.
To hell with this! All right!
[GASPS]
Niles…
I'm so sorry. Marta.
-You said Mrs. Crane was in the box! -Si, Missy Crane.
No, that's Mr. Crane!
Marta has trouble with her pronouns.
-I'm worried. He's sensitive. -You're right, Dad.
Maybe we shouldn't let on how worried we are.
It will add to his anxiety.
If we coddle him, he'll think the world's ended.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Hello, Niles. -Hi, son.
-It's okay. -It's okay, Niles. Come on.
It's all right.
-We're all here for you, son. -My little brother.
-Frasier, pour him a glass of brandy. -Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, God. I'm all out of brandy. I have a marvelous sherry,
some fine ports and a lovely bottle of 12-year-old unblended scotch.
-It's a bit peaty… -Just pour him a drink!
-What happened, son? -[SIGHS]
-Nothing. -Nothing?
When I left, you were about to storm up to her room and have it out with her.
NILES: I know.
I thought of questions to fire at her, but when I reached her door, I froze.
I turned and walked out of the house, got in the car and started driving.
Well, I'm glad you ended up here.
Actually, I ended up at the Oregon border check.
I had fruit in the car, so I had to turn back.
What will I do? She's my whole life.
You know, Maris may have…
Temporarily succumbed to Gunnar's Teutonic charms, but…
In the end, I'm sure she'll choose the man who's intelligent and sensitive.
Frasier,
that's just something we used to tell ourselves in chess club.
The truth is, women don't want men of intellect.
-They want men of action, like Gunnar. -It has nothing to do with Gunnar.
It's about you and Maris.
Remember your advice when I had problems with Lilith?
You said I should talk to her and find out why she did what she did.
It's one thing to give advice, another to take it.
Hey, Fras, didn't, uh,
you and Lilith write articles on the keys to a successful marriage?
-Yes, we did. -It might help Niles to read them.
Well, all right. I've only got half.
Lilith got the rest in the divorce settlement.
Now that we got rid of the foghorn, here's the way to handle it.
Remember this happened between your mother and I?
-Right. -Well, I took it up with the other man.
I told him if it ever happened again, he'd be the other woman.
There was a lot more that we had to do to keep our marriage together,
but at least that let your mother know how much I cared for her.
Should I grab Gunnar by the scruff of the neck and throw him out?
-Why not? -I've been fantasizing about it.
It's just not me though.
Although maybe it should be me.
No, I've got to speak to Maris eventually. Although…
If I do it your way, I'm going at it from a position of strength.
-Yeah. -I'll do it, Dad.
Tonight it's Gunnar who will be taught a lesson.
That's my boy! Sure you're up to it?
Yes, I am!
I'm pumped, I'm psyched, and I just swallowed an entire twist of lemon.
-Did I just hear Niles leave? -He went to straighten out Gunnar.
God, Dad, how could you let him go? What if Gunnar wants to fight?
It's still better this way. He's found his manhood.
I'll be happy if he traded in some teeth for his cojones.
I've got to stop walking in on the middle of conversations.
There you are.
Yes, I'm talking to you, strudel boy!
No one gets away with seducing my wife.
You probably thought because of my swimmer's build,
I wouldn't fight for her.
But you're wrong because real men have a thing called honor.
Yow!
-You wouldn't know about that. -Niles.
You don't know how to behave. You don't know the meaning of rectitude.
Niles, he doesn't know the meaning of dog. He doesn't speak English!
[BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
Marta?
You speak German?
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
[BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
She worked for a German family that turned up in Guatemala…
Just after the war.
Well, good. She can translate for me.
-Tell her to tell him… -Niles, just wait!
-What? -Look at him.
If he knew you were calling him strudel boy,
he'd wipe his feet on your face.
If there are scuffs, they'll be scuffs of honor.
How dare you steal my wife! Translate.
All right.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
All right, fine, you want to challenge me?
En garde!
That's just what we need, a fourth language!
-Niles, you can't possibly fight this man. -You forget.
-I've been fencing since prep school. -So what?
He was born with a sword in his hand. He probably performed his own Caesarean.
Oh, my God. He's going to kill me.
Fahrvergnügen!
-[SPEAKING IN GERMAN] -Oh, very nice, very nice. Thank you.
-[PIANO KEYS THUD] -Ha-ha-ha!
Niles!
Niles, hang on! Are you all right?
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
Is he giving up?
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
He wants you to apologize. He didn't steal… your shoes.
-My shoes? -Yes, I'm sorry.
Apparently, I mistranslated.
He didn't mean…
Not shoes, wife. Uh…
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
[BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
He couldn't help it. Maris is irresistible. Irresistible?
[BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
-Si. -Okay.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
-Oh, but she refused him. -Really?
-[SPEAKS IN SPANISH] -[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
What did Maris say?
-[SPEAKS IN SPANISH] -[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
-[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
-"I love Niles." -She loves me.
Oh, she loves me. My marriage is whole.
In five seconds, tell him he's fired. Maris!
If only I could help Gunnar and Gretchen.
-Gretchen? -FRASIER: Ja, ja.
Tell him his wife loves him very much.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
-[SPEAKS IN GERMAN] -No, no, not me, you! You!
Marta, damn your pronoun problems! All right, you hapless wretch!
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged! ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're calling again ♪
Frasier has left the building.