[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
We've got time for one more call, Roz.
We have Sid in Bremerton on three.
Hello, Sid. I'm listening.
SID [ON PHONE]: "Hello, Dr. Crane.
"I have a fear of talking on the phone to people I do not know."
"I freeze up."
It is a severe handicap in today's fast-paced, highly competitive world."
Sid, are you reading what you're saying?
-Uh… -[PAGES TURNING OVER PHONE]
"Yes, I am.
"The only way I can comfortably communicate on the phone"
is to write everything out I wish to say in advance."
Well, what if someone asks you a question you haven't anticipated?
-[SID SIGHS] -[PAGES TURNING OVER PHONE]
"Thank you, Dr. Crane, for your most insightful comments.
-Goodbye." -[DIAL TONE HUMS]
Wait, Sid.
Sid, if you're listening, your insecurity is rooted
in your fear of making a mistake.
In order to beat this, you'll have to practice.
If you work at it very hard, one day you, too, may achieve
the command and confidence to which we all… aspire to…
Be having.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.
That was a show good, Frasier.
Thank you, Roz.
-Knock, knock. -Oh. What are you doing here?
Stopped by to see how you'd like to go to lunch next week at the Empire Club.
-Do you know a member? -No. But you may.
What are you up to?
You have that smug look you had
when you found that recording of Flagstad's 1932 "Götterdämmerung"
in the discount bin.
You think I look smug now, wait till next week.
If all goes well, my lapel will be sagging under the weight of a gold membership pin.
You'll fit in with all those greedy, arrogant blue bloods
who wouldn't cross the street to spit on the rest of us.
Don't jinx it. I'm not in yet.
There's still the cocktail party where they screen prospective members.
Those can be grueling.
-How did this come about? -Oh, I give the credit to Maris.
She spent five years cultivating the right relationships
until this week fortune smiled upon us.
Old Judge Clements suffered a stroke, and lo, a vacancy opened up.
Gives new meaning to "a stroke of luck."
[NILES CHUCKLES]
It gets better.
There are two vacancies, so my chances are doubled.
Edgar van Cortland has been indicted in that savings-and-loans scandal.
Frasier, I think my time has come.
-I'm very happy for you. -That's generous of you.
Especially knowing you've always dreamed of a membership.
A lesser man would be jealous.
-You're not, are you? -Not at all.
-Did I mention they have a planetarium? -So?
I think my work here is done.
So Niles is getting into the Empire Club?
It would appear so.
More power to him.
He deserves to have lunch in that private dining room
and read the Wall Street Journal in that fabled mahogany library.
-It's eating you up, isn't it? -Like a carnivorous bacteria.
If he gets in, I should too.
What if I know someone very high up who could get you invited to that party?
Oh, don't toy with me.
Mr. Strickland, please. It's Roz.
-Walter Strickland Jr.? -Senior.
[GASPS] How did you get to know someone so important?
The less you know, the happier you'll be.
Whew. I need more-comfortable shoes.
My dogs are killing me.
-Pardon? -My dogs. My feet.
What do you call them in England?
We call our body parts by their rightful names.
Except Uncle Harold.
He named his anatomy after the royal family.
He walked on the queen's pins, and he sat on the Duchess of Kent.
He was a jolly fellow.
That is, until Aunt Kate caught him
introducing the Prince of Wales to a waitress.
-Are you almost finished? -Yes, I am.
You'll have the handsomest midriff at the club.
Thank you. I hope my date concurs.
Who are you taking?
FRASIER: Dr. Susan Anderson.
She's as boring as unbuttered toast, but she's a brilliant physician
and socially well connected.
Ah.
Isn't Niles a little ticked off at you horning in on his party?
Yes, he was at first, but I convinced him
that we could be of help to each other.
If we work together, we can secure both vacancies.
Boy, you and Niles, it's been the same since you were kids.
If one of you has something, the other has to too.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two decoupage kits,
two pairs of lederhosen.
When you moved out, that was one embarrassing garage sale.
-FRASIER: Hello, Niles. -Ready to go?
No. I'm waiting on Susan. She's at the hospital.
Where's Maris?
In the Mercedes, practicing her vivacious giggle.
-Let's go over our strategy. -Oh, yes.
I prepared a crib sheet on each person on the member committee.
-There you are. -Mm-hm.
"School ties, business affiliations, hobbies, mistresses."
-Yes. -Hmm.
Oh, oh, oh. I also researched our competition.
I don't think we have to worry. One of them flies coach.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, well…
-We're as good as in. -Yes.
Unless…
-I just had the most terrifying thought. -Hmm?
What if some other candidate has researched the skeletons in our closet?
Ooh.
Damn it.
That's as bad as it gets.
I wouldn't be so sure.
I don't think the committee would look kindly
on your arrest for mooning President Nixon at the campaign rally.
I was young and firm and in love with an anarchist.
That's minor compared to your suicide attempt.
It was not a legitimate attempt.
I only stepped out on that ledge to get Lilith's attention.
[PHONE RINGS]
Perhaps Maris and I should head over without you.
We can't have the other candidates getting a leg up on us.
Oh. Good idea. See you there.
-Bye, Dad. -MARTIN: Good luck.
FRASIER: Hello?
Oh, Susan. Oh, my goodness, I've been expecting you.
Are you in the car?
Oh, no. You're still at the hospital? Of course I understand.
You were a sweetheart to agree to go in the first place.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Fat chance.
-Stood you up, huh? -This is disastrous.
Well, just go stag.
I've RSVP'd for two.
I'll look like some loser who couldn't scrape up a date.
Wait. What are we worried about?
We got our own Cinderella right under this roof.
That's the last time I try to get grout up without wearing rubber gloves.
I've so much gunk under my nails, I look like I've been worming a pig.
Trust me, the English accent will sell it.
[PEOPLE MURMURING]
Oh. Oh, yes.
It's everything I ever imagined it would be and more.
What's that smell, Dr. Crane?
That's power.
Oh, Daphne. Call me Frasier.
I don't want people to know you work for me.
If they ask, we've been dating for six months.
All right, Frasier.
Anything else, Frasier?
Are we in love, or is this just a physical thing, Frasier?
Oh. Just stop that.
Oh, Niles. Niles. How goes the chase?
Brilliantly.
Daphne.
-Evening, Dr. Crane. -What are you doing here?
Frasier takes me everywhere, don't you, sweetheart?
I think I'll go sample some hors d'oeuvres.
Back in a minute, darling.
-"Sweetheart"? "Darling"? -My date canceled.
Daphne's filling in. You can't think I'd go out with Daphne?
You are a man, and she is a goddess…
Whose bedroom is only 41 steps from your own.
On a completely unrelated topic, where's Maris?
The last I saw, she was apologizing to another candidate's wife.
Maris bumped a chafing dish of crab meat into the woman's décolletage.
Accidents will happen.
As long as they keep the hors d'oeuvres flowing, they will.
My God. Feel this leather.
Oh. I have had pudding stiffer than this.
Oh. Frasier, Kenneth Spencer.
[MURMURS]
Yes, I'm sure it was satisfying being Phi Beta Kappa at Yale,
but surely you would have been happier to wear the orange and black of Princeton.
Anyone who's anyone went to Princeton.
Excuse me, I'm Kenneth Spencer. I couldn't help but overhear you.
As it happens, I went to Princeton.
No!
What are the odds?
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. This is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.
Oh. My brother is too kind.
He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.
-Here. Try this caviar, Frasier. -Thank you.
Sorry it took so long, but I met the most charming gentleman,
Edgar van Cortland.
I thought he lost his membership in the S-and-L scandal.
He was acquitted and reinstated into the club.
-Oh, he was innocent. -No, just acquitted.
-Oh. [CHUCKLING] -[CHUCKLING] Oh.
So does that mean there's only one membership?
Yes. But not to worry.
If one of you should be selected, you can bring the other as a guest.
If only one of us can be honored with a membership, I hope it will be you.
-That's a noble sentiment. -I know how much it means to him.
We can't risk another splashy suicide attempt.
That's very amusing, Niles,
using humor to defuse a tense situation.
I'm sure that stood you in good stead
when you were in prison for threatening the president.
-Kenneth. Kenneth. -Excuse me.
Oh, what are you saying? I'd never… Ow, ow, ow.
-[FRASIER, NILES BICKERING INDISTINCTLY] -Stop it.
Do you intend to run each other down and ruin both your chances?
No. No.
-You're right. -Thank you.
-Cocktails, gentlemen? -Oh.
Yes. Two ounces of your best 18-year-old Lowland single-malt Scotch.
-There's a discriminating choice. -Yes.
My brother has an extensive knowledge of wines and spirits,
undoubtedly acquired during the years he was shacked up with a barmaid.
FRASIER: Niles.
So my mom says, "How come you never bring your boyfriends to meet me?"
I say, "The plane trip to Wisconsin takes four hours.
That's longer than my relationships last."
There's Niles. Don't look at him.
-Pretend we don't see him. -Real mature.
Thanks to that backstabber, I will never get to say the phrase
I've been rehearsing for a lifetime:
"If you need me, I'll be at my club."
This is so boring. Don't you both owe each other an apology?
Yes, but I was the first to apologize last time.
Ooh, wait. That means it's his turn. Oh, goody. I can be mature about this.
-Niles. -Frasier.
-After last night, an apology is in order. -I agree.
Well?
Well what?
It's your turn. I apologized first last time.
-No, you didn't. -I did so.
It was after that shouting match at the Monet exhibit.
I had my secretary leave a heartfelt apology with your service.
So you did.
It is my turn again.
Damn.
-I'm sorry. -Me too.
-Oh, Niles. No, it wasn't. -It was my fault. I started it.
-I can't believe we turned on each other. -It was embarrassing.
My only excuse is that all my life I have dreamed of belonging
to an exclusive club.
Even as a child, when I formed clubs with my teddy bears,
there were always two or three who didn't make the cut.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Yes, this is Dr. Crane.
It's the club.
Yes?
I see.
Thank you for considering me.
If you'd care to speak to my brother, he's here.
Be gracious.
Hello.
Yes, I see.
Thank you very much for calling.
Goodbye.
Don't let it get you down.
We got along fine without them before, and we'll get along fine now.
We are getting along without them, aren't we?
-Niles… -Oh, my God.
You got in.
Congratulations.
I'd better go break the news to Maris.
Believe me, Niles,
your getting passed over has drained every drop of joy from this.
Thank you.
You're a good brother.
Yes! I got in!
I got in! Shout it from the rooftops! Lattes for everyone!
This is the proudest day of my life!
Of course…
What really matters is family.
Beg.
Come on. We've been working on this.
You can do it. Beg.
Sit.
Good boy.
-What are you doing? -Teaching Eddie a trick.
With my $26-a-pound imported prosciutto?
Ah, wait till you see it. It's worth it.
Not unless he can sing the duet from Tosca.
-Where are you going? -FRASIER: The Empire Club.
I've come to a moral decision.
I'm going to insist they give Niles my membership.
Wow. That's a hell of a gesture.
Yes, well, I put myself in Niles' place.
He's spent 15 years trying to climb Seattle's social ladder.
Then I waltz in, and within two years, I'm known throughout the city.
To top it all off, I grab the prize he's wanted most of all.
It just isn't fair.
-You're a good kid. -Thank you, Dad.
Might as well say this while I still can.
If anyone needs me…
I'll be at my club.
Oh, yes, the club. The club that I helped you get into.
Now that you're done with me, I'm just cast aside.
Unappreciated, unloved and forgotten.
Yes, well, I see the prosciutto isn't the only imported ham in the house.
Give me your shirt. I'm not going down without a full load.
-Have you got anything white? -Yeah, but you're not getting them.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Hello, Dr. Crane. -Hello, Daphne. Hello, Dad.
Niles.
Just passed Frasier. Where was he off to?
He went to the club.
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
NILES: No wonder he was evasive.
I hope you don't mind my stopping by.
I had to get out of the house, and I had no place else to go.
You know, Niles, you may get into that club yet.
[SCOFFS]
-What are you talking about? -That's why Frasier went down there.
To tell them to give his spot to you.
Is this one of your sick jokes?
I thought you'd be happy. He's giving up his own membership.
What did you think I would be happy about? This is humiliating.
My big brother going down there to make them take me?
His heart's in the right place. You could show a little gratitude.
They made their decision. They didn't take me on my own merits.
I don't want them to take me out of pity.
I don't care if they invite me now. I don't care if they beg!
-[GROWLS] -Good boy!
[PEOPLE MURMURING]
Excuse me, is the club president here?
Yes, Dr. Crane, Mr. Drake is over there.
Thank you.
-Mr. Drake? -Yeah.
-Dr. Frasier Crane. -Oh, yes, of course.
-The new blood. Please sit down. -Thank you.
Sir, I've come here on a matter of personal business.
It's about my brother, Niles, you see.
Niles is sort of…
Oh.
Oh, my God. This leather's as soft as a baby's bottom.
On family night, we bring the babies in and do a blindfold comparison test.
-That's a joke, Crane. -Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.
A darn good one too, sir.
As I was saying, although my brother may seem a bit priggish at times,
he's one of the most discriminating people I've ever known.
In fact, you'd be hard-pressed to find a bigger snob in this room.
Excuse me, sir. I thought you might enjoy a glass of port.
1896?
What are you trying to say, Crane?
Glad to be aboard, sir.
No. No.
No, I came down here to simply say
that my brother deserves membership more than I do,
and I would like to step down in his favor.
-Are you serious? -Yes, I am.
After all, blood is thicker than port.
I stand corrected.
Let me be candid with you, Crane.
Um, we all liked your brother, but some were quite firm
about accepting anybody in the entertainment business.
I'm afraid radio psychiatrist falls into that category.
Radio psychiatrist? But Niles…
-There's been a terrible mistake. -No, Frasier, there hasn't.
-Niles. -Dad told me you'd be here,
trying to get me into your snooty club.
You needn't bother.
-You don't understand. -No, you don't.
I don't need you to fight my battles.
-But, Niles… -No, butt out.
-Okay. -And as for you,
you made it clear how you feel about me, so I'd like to share how I feel about you.
I'd sooner spend my time in a smelly bus station
than spend one moment with you smug, elitist bigwigs
with your clichéd Oriental carpets and your overstuffed chairs…
My God, it's like a baby's bottom.
You can't reject me, because I reject you.
Yes, I'm talking to you, fuzzy.
I prefer to remain Niles Crane, everyman.
Friend of the average Joe.
Niles, they got our names mixed up. I didn't get in. You did.
What?
It was you they wanted.
Really? I'm in?
Good God, don't just stand there. Fetch me some port.
Will you escort these gentlemen out?
No, no, no, you can't think that I meant those things I was saying.
Excuse me, sir, I must ask you to leave.
You and who else?
Ah.
FRASIER: Niles, come along. We don't need this club.
Let us leave with the dignity with which we came.
But… No, there's been a misunderstanding. I do want to be one of you.
Perhaps you could put me on probation. I could come part-time.
Perhaps afternoons, or just one afternoon. Thursday's a slow day.
You could pick the day. I wouldn't talk to anyone.
I could just sit in a chair and not say a word.
Please, please, please! Oh, let me stay! I belong here!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Frasier has left the building.