1 00:00:02,176 --> 00:00:04,178 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:09,558 --> 00:00:11,852 We've got time for one more call, Roz. 3 00:00:11,936 --> 00:00:14,397 We have Sid in Bremerton on three. 4 00:00:14,481 --> 00:00:16,524 Hello, Sid. I'm listening. 5 00:00:16,608 --> 00:00:18,401 SID [ON PHONE]: "Hello, Dr. Crane. 6 00:00:18,485 --> 00:00:22,447 "I have a fear of talking on the phone to people I do not know." 7 00:00:25,408 --> 00:00:26,409 "I freeze up." 8 00:00:28,703 --> 00:00:33,500 It is a severe handicap in today's fast-paced, highly competitive world." 9 00:00:34,459 --> 00:00:37,254 Sid, are you reading what you're saying? 10 00:00:38,798 --> 00:00:40,800 -Uh… -[PAGES TURNING OVER PHONE] 11 00:00:43,135 --> 00:00:44,470 "Yes, I am. 12 00:00:45,262 --> 00:00:48,640 "The only way I can comfortably communicate on the phone" 13 00:00:48,724 --> 00:00:51,852 is to write everything out I wish to say in advance." 14 00:00:52,728 --> 00:00:56,190 Well, what if someone asks you a question you haven't anticipated? 15 00:00:56,732 --> 00:00:59,152 -[SID SIGHS] -[PAGES TURNING OVER PHONE] 16 00:01:00,070 --> 00:01:03,364 "Thank you, Dr. Crane, for your most insightful comments. 17 00:01:03,448 --> 00:01:04,824 -Goodbye." -[DIAL TONE HUMS] 18 00:01:04,908 --> 00:01:05,909 Wait, Sid. 19 00:01:07,411 --> 00:01:09,954 Sid, if you're listening, your insecurity is rooted 20 00:01:10,038 --> 00:01:11,956 in your fear of making a mistake. 21 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:13,916 In order to beat this, you'll have to practice. 22 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,420 If you work at it very hard, one day you, too, may achieve 23 00:01:17,504 --> 00:01:21,843 the command and confidence to which we all… aspire to… 24 00:01:23,219 --> 00:01:24,220 Be having. 25 00:01:25,763 --> 00:01:28,683 This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health. 26 00:01:33,020 --> 00:01:34,772 That was a show good, Frasier. 27 00:01:36,023 --> 00:01:37,316 Thank you, Roz. 28 00:01:39,318 --> 00:01:41,528 -Knock, knock. -Oh. What are you doing here? 29 00:01:41,612 --> 00:01:45,200 Stopped by to see how you'd like to go to lunch next week at the Empire Club. 30 00:01:45,284 --> 00:01:48,495 -Do you know a member? -No. But you may. 31 00:01:49,997 --> 00:01:51,581 What are you up to? 32 00:01:51,665 --> 00:01:53,291 You have that smug look you had 33 00:01:53,375 --> 00:01:56,753 when you found that recording of Flagstad's 1932 "Götterdämmerung" 34 00:01:56,837 --> 00:01:58,172 in the discount bin. 35 00:01:59,131 --> 00:02:01,508 You think I look smug now, wait till next week. 36 00:02:01,592 --> 00:02:05,929 If all goes well, my lapel will be sagging under the weight of a gold membership pin. 37 00:02:06,013 --> 00:02:09,642 You'll fit in with all those greedy, arrogant blue bloods 38 00:02:09,726 --> 00:02:12,604 who wouldn't cross the street to spit on the rest of us. 39 00:02:13,396 --> 00:02:15,315 Don't jinx it. I'm not in yet. 40 00:02:18,777 --> 00:02:22,279 There's still the cocktail party where they screen prospective members. 41 00:02:22,363 --> 00:02:23,823 Those can be grueling. 42 00:02:23,907 --> 00:02:26,867 -How did this come about? -Oh, I give the credit to Maris. 43 00:02:26,951 --> 00:02:29,912 She spent five years cultivating the right relationships 44 00:02:29,996 --> 00:02:32,582 until this week fortune smiled upon us. 45 00:02:32,666 --> 00:02:36,504 Old Judge Clements suffered a stroke, and lo, a vacancy opened up. 46 00:02:38,964 --> 00:02:41,758 Gives new meaning to "a stroke of luck." 47 00:02:41,842 --> 00:02:43,510 [NILES CHUCKLES] 48 00:02:43,594 --> 00:02:44,636 It gets better. 49 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:47,264 There are two vacancies, so my chances are doubled. 50 00:02:47,348 --> 00:02:50,517 Edgar van Cortland has been indicted in that savings-and-loans scandal. 51 00:02:50,601 --> 00:02:52,978 Frasier, I think my time has come. 52 00:02:54,396 --> 00:02:56,899 -I'm very happy for you. -That's generous of you. 53 00:02:56,983 --> 00:03:00,194 Especially knowing you've always dreamed of a membership. 54 00:03:00,278 --> 00:03:02,113 A lesser man would be jealous. 55 00:03:03,657 --> 00:03:05,199 -You're not, are you? -Not at all. 56 00:03:05,283 --> 00:03:08,077 -Did I mention they have a planetarium? -So? 57 00:03:08,161 --> 00:03:09,704 I think my work here is done. 58 00:03:14,876 --> 00:03:16,961 So Niles is getting into the Empire Club? 59 00:03:17,045 --> 00:03:18,297 It would appear so. 60 00:03:18,381 --> 00:03:19,548 More power to him. 61 00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:23,594 He deserves to have lunch in that private dining room 62 00:03:23,678 --> 00:03:26,930 and read the Wall Street Journal in that fabled mahogany library. 63 00:03:27,014 --> 00:03:30,184 -It's eating you up, isn't it? -Like a carnivorous bacteria. 64 00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:33,896 If he gets in, I should too. 65 00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:38,317 What if I know someone very high up who could get you invited to that party? 66 00:03:38,401 --> 00:03:39,902 Oh, don't toy with me. 67 00:03:40,653 --> 00:03:43,490 Mr. Strickland, please. It's Roz. 68 00:03:43,574 --> 00:03:45,825 -Walter Strickland Jr.? -Senior. 69 00:03:45,909 --> 00:03:48,453 [GASPS] How did you get to know someone so important? 70 00:03:48,537 --> 00:03:50,664 The less you know, the happier you'll be. 71 00:03:57,462 --> 00:04:00,340 Whew. I need more-comfortable shoes. 72 00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:02,593 My dogs are killing me. 73 00:04:03,218 --> 00:04:05,930 -Pardon? -My dogs. My feet. 74 00:04:06,556 --> 00:04:07,765 What do you call them in England? 75 00:04:07,849 --> 00:04:11,603 We call our body parts by their rightful names. 76 00:04:12,478 --> 00:04:13,938 Except Uncle Harold. 77 00:04:14,022 --> 00:04:16,816 He named his anatomy after the royal family. 78 00:04:18,234 --> 00:04:21,738 He walked on the queen's pins, and he sat on the Duchess of Kent. 79 00:04:22,697 --> 00:04:24,240 He was a jolly fellow. 80 00:04:24,949 --> 00:04:26,742 That is, until Aunt Kate caught him 81 00:04:26,826 --> 00:04:29,496 introducing the Prince of Wales to a waitress. 82 00:04:31,999 --> 00:04:34,793 -Are you almost finished? -Yes, I am. 83 00:04:34,877 --> 00:04:37,212 You'll have the handsomest midriff at the club. 84 00:04:37,296 --> 00:04:40,298 Thank you. I hope my date concurs. 85 00:04:40,382 --> 00:04:42,092 Who are you taking? 86 00:04:42,176 --> 00:04:43,468 FRASIER: Dr. Susan Anderson. 87 00:04:43,552 --> 00:04:48,181 She's as boring as unbuttered toast, but she's a brilliant physician 88 00:04:48,265 --> 00:04:49,683 and socially well connected. 89 00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:50,684 Ah. 90 00:04:51,185 --> 00:04:54,605 Isn't Niles a little ticked off at you horning in on his party? 91 00:04:54,689 --> 00:04:57,024 Yes, he was at first, but I convinced him 92 00:04:57,108 --> 00:04:58,526 that we could be of help to each other. 93 00:04:58,610 --> 00:05:00,570 If we work together, we can secure both vacancies. 94 00:05:00,654 --> 00:05:03,906 Boy, you and Niles, it's been the same since you were kids. 95 00:05:03,990 --> 00:05:06,617 If one of you has something, the other has to too. 96 00:05:06,701 --> 00:05:07,577 [DOORBELL RINGS] 97 00:05:07,661 --> 00:05:12,290 I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two decoupage kits, 98 00:05:12,374 --> 00:05:13,833 two pairs of lederhosen. 99 00:05:15,461 --> 00:05:18,798 When you moved out, that was one embarrassing garage sale. 100 00:05:21,342 --> 00:05:23,260 -FRASIER: Hello, Niles. -Ready to go? 101 00:05:23,344 --> 00:05:25,637 No. I'm waiting on Susan. She's at the hospital. 102 00:05:25,721 --> 00:05:26,680 Where's Maris? 103 00:05:26,764 --> 00:05:29,225 In the Mercedes, practicing her vivacious giggle. 104 00:05:31,060 --> 00:05:32,686 -Let's go over our strategy. -Oh, yes. 105 00:05:32,770 --> 00:05:36,189 I prepared a crib sheet on each person on the member committee. 106 00:05:36,273 --> 00:05:37,608 -There you are. -Mm-hm. 107 00:05:37,692 --> 00:05:42,363 "School ties, business affiliations, hobbies, mistresses." 108 00:05:42,447 --> 00:05:43,656 -Yes. -Hmm. 109 00:05:43,740 --> 00:05:46,200 Oh, oh, oh. I also researched our competition. 110 00:05:46,284 --> 00:05:49,454 I don't think we have to worry. One of them flies coach. 111 00:05:49,538 --> 00:05:51,039 [CHUCKLING] Oh, well… 112 00:05:52,791 --> 00:05:54,125 -We're as good as in. -Yes. 113 00:05:54,209 --> 00:05:55,168 Unless… 114 00:05:55,711 --> 00:05:58,087 -I just had the most terrifying thought. -Hmm? 115 00:05:58,171 --> 00:06:03,219 What if some other candidate has researched the skeletons in our closet? 116 00:06:04,887 --> 00:06:05,847 Ooh. 117 00:06:08,141 --> 00:06:09,475 Damn it. 118 00:06:11,477 --> 00:06:12,895 That's as bad as it gets. 119 00:06:14,564 --> 00:06:15,689 I wouldn't be so sure. 120 00:06:15,773 --> 00:06:18,025 I don't think the committee would look kindly 121 00:06:18,109 --> 00:06:21,612 on your arrest for mooning President Nixon at the campaign rally. 122 00:06:22,488 --> 00:06:25,075 I was young and firm and in love with an anarchist. 123 00:06:27,286 --> 00:06:30,121 That's minor compared to your suicide attempt. 124 00:06:30,205 --> 00:06:31,665 It was not a legitimate attempt. 125 00:06:31,749 --> 00:06:34,793 I only stepped out on that ledge to get Lilith's attention. 126 00:06:35,377 --> 00:06:36,586 [PHONE RINGS] 127 00:06:36,670 --> 00:06:39,005 Perhaps Maris and I should head over without you. 128 00:06:39,089 --> 00:06:41,299 We can't have the other candidates getting a leg up on us. 129 00:06:41,383 --> 00:06:43,677 Oh. Good idea. See you there. 130 00:06:43,761 --> 00:06:45,303 -Bye, Dad. -MARTIN: Good luck. 131 00:06:45,387 --> 00:06:46,513 FRASIER: Hello? 132 00:06:46,597 --> 00:06:49,433 Oh, Susan. Oh, my goodness, I've been expecting you. 133 00:06:49,517 --> 00:06:50,643 Are you in the car? 134 00:06:51,186 --> 00:06:55,190 Oh, no. You're still at the hospital? Of course I understand. 135 00:06:55,982 --> 00:06:59,444 You were a sweetheart to agree to go in the first place. 136 00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:02,197 I'll call you tomorrow. 137 00:07:03,782 --> 00:07:04,783 Fat chance. 138 00:07:08,912 --> 00:07:11,164 -Stood you up, huh? -This is disastrous. 139 00:07:11,248 --> 00:07:13,375 Well, just go stag. 140 00:07:13,459 --> 00:07:14,751 I've RSVP'd for two. 141 00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:17,796 I'll look like some loser who couldn't scrape up a date. 142 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:19,965 Wait. What are we worried about? 143 00:07:20,049 --> 00:07:23,385 We got our own Cinderella right under this roof. 144 00:07:23,469 --> 00:07:27,890 That's the last time I try to get grout up without wearing rubber gloves. 145 00:07:29,183 --> 00:07:32,633 I've so much gunk under my nails, I look like I've been worming a pig. 146 00:07:35,273 --> 00:07:37,400 Trust me, the English accent will sell it. 147 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,282 [PEOPLE MURMURING] 148 00:07:47,077 --> 00:07:49,246 Oh. Oh, yes. 149 00:07:50,997 --> 00:07:53,667 It's everything I ever imagined it would be and more. 150 00:07:55,001 --> 00:07:56,670 What's that smell, Dr. Crane? 151 00:07:58,172 --> 00:07:59,257 That's power. 152 00:08:01,259 --> 00:08:03,177 Oh, Daphne. Call me Frasier. 153 00:08:03,261 --> 00:08:05,262 I don't want people to know you work for me. 154 00:08:05,346 --> 00:08:07,681 If they ask, we've been dating for six months. 155 00:08:07,765 --> 00:08:09,308 All right, Frasier. 156 00:08:10,726 --> 00:08:12,478 Anything else, Frasier? 157 00:08:12,562 --> 00:08:16,065 Are we in love, or is this just a physical thing, Frasier? 158 00:08:16,149 --> 00:08:18,192 Oh. Just stop that. 159 00:08:21,697 --> 00:08:24,157 Oh, Niles. Niles. How goes the chase? 160 00:08:24,241 --> 00:08:25,242 Brilliantly. 161 00:08:27,369 --> 00:08:28,579 Daphne. 162 00:08:30,247 --> 00:08:32,916 -Evening, Dr. Crane. -What are you doing here? 163 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,961 Frasier takes me everywhere, don't you, sweetheart? 164 00:08:39,047 --> 00:08:41,716 I think I'll go sample some hors d'oeuvres. 165 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:43,218 Back in a minute, darling. 166 00:08:46,014 --> 00:08:48,682 -"Sweetheart"? "Darling"? -My date canceled. 167 00:08:48,766 --> 00:08:52,895 Daphne's filling in. You can't think I'd go out with Daphne? 168 00:08:52,979 --> 00:08:54,981 You are a man, and she is a goddess… 169 00:08:56,107 --> 00:08:58,902 Whose bedroom is only 41 steps from your own. 170 00:09:00,278 --> 00:09:02,988 On a completely unrelated topic, where's Maris? 171 00:09:03,072 --> 00:09:06,325 The last I saw, she was apologizing to another candidate's wife. 172 00:09:06,409 --> 00:09:10,623 Maris bumped a chafing dish of crab meat into the woman's décolletage. 173 00:09:12,374 --> 00:09:14,251 Accidents will happen. 174 00:09:14,335 --> 00:09:17,254 As long as they keep the hors d'oeuvres flowing, they will. 175 00:09:19,215 --> 00:09:21,842 My God. Feel this leather. 176 00:09:23,427 --> 00:09:26,430 Oh. I have had pudding stiffer than this. 177 00:09:27,473 --> 00:09:29,516 Oh. Frasier, Kenneth Spencer. 178 00:09:30,976 --> 00:09:32,062 [MURMURS] 179 00:09:34,731 --> 00:09:40,195 Yes, I'm sure it was satisfying being Phi Beta Kappa at Yale, 180 00:09:40,987 --> 00:09:45,199 but surely you would have been happier to wear the orange and black of Princeton. 181 00:09:45,283 --> 00:09:47,618 Anyone who's anyone went to Princeton. 182 00:09:47,702 --> 00:09:51,539 Excuse me, I'm Kenneth Spencer. I couldn't help but overhear you. 183 00:09:51,623 --> 00:09:54,918 As it happens, I went to Princeton. 184 00:09:55,002 --> 00:09:56,003 No! 185 00:09:57,922 --> 00:09:58,923 What are the odds? 186 00:10:00,007 --> 00:10:05,053 I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. This is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist. 187 00:10:05,137 --> 00:10:06,763 Oh. My brother is too kind. 188 00:10:06,847 --> 00:10:10,434 He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent. 189 00:10:15,731 --> 00:10:18,610 -Here. Try this caviar, Frasier. -Thank you. 190 00:10:18,694 --> 00:10:21,988 Sorry it took so long, but I met the most charming gentleman, 191 00:10:22,072 --> 00:10:23,740 Edgar van Cortland. 192 00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:26,826 I thought he lost his membership in the S-and-L scandal. 193 00:10:26,910 --> 00:10:29,537 He was acquitted and reinstated into the club. 194 00:10:29,621 --> 00:10:33,041 -Oh, he was innocent. -No, just acquitted. 195 00:10:33,125 --> 00:10:35,502 -Oh. [CHUCKLING] -[CHUCKLING] Oh. 196 00:10:37,087 --> 00:10:39,672 So does that mean there's only one membership? 197 00:10:39,756 --> 00:10:41,133 Yes. But not to worry. 198 00:10:41,217 --> 00:10:44,637 If one of you should be selected, you can bring the other as a guest. 199 00:10:45,596 --> 00:10:49,725 If only one of us can be honored with a membership, I hope it will be you. 200 00:10:49,809 --> 00:10:52,770 -That's a noble sentiment. -I know how much it means to him. 201 00:10:52,854 --> 00:10:55,356 We can't risk another splashy suicide attempt. 202 00:11:01,779 --> 00:11:05,075 That's very amusing, Niles, 203 00:11:05,159 --> 00:11:07,285 using humor to defuse a tense situation. 204 00:11:07,369 --> 00:11:08,870 I'm sure that stood you in good stead 205 00:11:08,954 --> 00:11:11,604 when you were in prison for threatening the president. 206 00:11:13,292 --> 00:11:15,836 -Kenneth. Kenneth. -Excuse me. 207 00:11:16,879 --> 00:11:19,256 Oh, what are you saying? I'd never… Ow, ow, ow. 208 00:11:19,340 --> 00:11:21,716 -[FRASIER, NILES BICKERING INDISTINCTLY] -Stop it. 209 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:25,596 Do you intend to run each other down and ruin both your chances? 210 00:11:26,764 --> 00:11:28,808 No. No. 211 00:11:28,892 --> 00:11:30,685 -You're right. -Thank you. 212 00:11:30,769 --> 00:11:32,895 -Cocktails, gentlemen? -Oh. 213 00:11:32,979 --> 00:11:37,024 Yes. Two ounces of your best 18-year-old Lowland single-malt Scotch. 214 00:11:37,108 --> 00:11:39,443 -There's a discriminating choice. -Yes. 215 00:11:39,527 --> 00:11:42,655 My brother has an extensive knowledge of wines and spirits, 216 00:11:42,739 --> 00:11:46,368 undoubtedly acquired during the years he was shacked up with a barmaid. 217 00:11:49,913 --> 00:11:50,873 FRASIER: Niles. 218 00:11:54,502 --> 00:11:57,713 So my mom says, "How come you never bring your boyfriends to meet me?" 219 00:11:57,797 --> 00:12:00,757 I say, "The plane trip to Wisconsin takes four hours. 220 00:12:00,841 --> 00:12:03,177 That's longer than my relationships last." 221 00:12:05,388 --> 00:12:07,640 There's Niles. Don't look at him. 222 00:12:08,265 --> 00:12:11,560 -Pretend we don't see him. -Real mature. 223 00:12:11,644 --> 00:12:14,480 Thanks to that backstabber, I will never get to say the phrase 224 00:12:14,564 --> 00:12:16,364 I've been rehearsing for a lifetime: 225 00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:19,277 "If you need me, I'll be at my club." 226 00:12:21,113 --> 00:12:25,283 This is so boring. Don't you both owe each other an apology? 227 00:12:25,367 --> 00:12:28,494 Yes, but I was the first to apologize last time. 228 00:12:28,578 --> 00:12:33,291 Ooh, wait. That means it's his turn. Oh, goody. I can be mature about this. 229 00:12:43,428 --> 00:12:45,012 -Niles. -Frasier. 230 00:12:46,639 --> 00:12:50,476 -After last night, an apology is in order. -I agree. 231 00:12:52,812 --> 00:12:53,813 Well? 232 00:12:54,814 --> 00:12:56,273 Well what? 233 00:12:56,357 --> 00:12:58,484 It's your turn. I apologized first last time. 234 00:12:58,568 --> 00:13:00,194 -No, you didn't. -I did so. 235 00:13:00,278 --> 00:13:03,031 It was after that shouting match at the Monet exhibit. 236 00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:06,368 I had my secretary leave a heartfelt apology with your service. 237 00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:10,122 So you did. 238 00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:12,249 It is my turn again. 239 00:13:12,749 --> 00:13:13,750 Damn. 240 00:13:17,337 --> 00:13:18,755 -I'm sorry. -Me too. 241 00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:22,092 -Oh, Niles. No, it wasn't. -It was my fault. I started it. 242 00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:25,429 -I can't believe we turned on each other. -It was embarrassing. 243 00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:29,058 My only excuse is that all my life I have dreamed of belonging 244 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,810 to an exclusive club. 245 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:34,438 Even as a child, when I formed clubs with my teddy bears, 246 00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:37,222 there were always two or three who didn't make the cut. 247 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,068 [CELL PHONE RINGS] 248 00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:41,863 Hello? 249 00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:43,573 Yes, this is Dr. Crane. 250 00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:45,825 It's the club. 251 00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:47,786 Yes? 252 00:13:49,497 --> 00:13:50,498 I see. 253 00:13:51,165 --> 00:13:52,708 Thank you for considering me. 254 00:13:54,126 --> 00:13:56,545 If you'd care to speak to my brother, he's here. 255 00:13:58,005 --> 00:13:59,006 Be gracious. 256 00:14:02,468 --> 00:14:03,677 Hello. 257 00:14:04,637 --> 00:14:05,721 Yes, I see. 258 00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:08,516 Thank you very much for calling. 259 00:14:09,350 --> 00:14:10,351 Goodbye. 260 00:14:12,771 --> 00:14:14,272 Don't let it get you down. 261 00:14:14,356 --> 00:14:17,734 We got along fine without them before, and we'll get along fine now. 262 00:14:24,032 --> 00:14:26,232 We are getting along without them, aren't we? 263 00:14:27,994 --> 00:14:29,996 -Niles… -Oh, my God. 264 00:14:31,164 --> 00:14:32,249 You got in. 265 00:14:36,087 --> 00:14:37,171 Congratulations. 266 00:14:39,340 --> 00:14:41,240 I'd better go break the news to Maris. 267 00:14:43,553 --> 00:14:44,595 Believe me, Niles, 268 00:14:45,471 --> 00:14:49,684 your getting passed over has drained every drop of joy from this. 269 00:14:50,309 --> 00:14:51,310 Thank you. 270 00:14:51,936 --> 00:14:53,104 You're a good brother. 271 00:14:55,690 --> 00:14:57,400 Yes! I got in! 272 00:14:57,484 --> 00:15:02,280 I got in! Shout it from the rooftops! Lattes for everyone! 273 00:15:02,364 --> 00:15:04,700 This is the proudest day of my life! 274 00:15:09,621 --> 00:15:10,622 Of course… 275 00:15:12,124 --> 00:15:13,667 What really matters is family. 276 00:15:20,592 --> 00:15:21,593 Beg. 277 00:15:23,052 --> 00:15:25,513 Come on. We've been working on this. 278 00:15:25,597 --> 00:15:27,849 You can do it. Beg. 279 00:15:30,602 --> 00:15:31,477 Sit. 280 00:15:32,687 --> 00:15:34,188 Good boy. 281 00:15:35,189 --> 00:15:37,358 -What are you doing? -Teaching Eddie a trick. 282 00:15:37,442 --> 00:15:39,944 With my $26-a-pound imported prosciutto? 283 00:15:40,028 --> 00:15:42,071 Ah, wait till you see it. It's worth it. 284 00:15:42,155 --> 00:15:44,491 Not unless he can sing the duet from Tosca. 285 00:15:45,117 --> 00:15:47,536 -Where are you going? -FRASIER: The Empire Club. 286 00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:49,330 I've come to a moral decision. 287 00:15:50,497 --> 00:15:52,916 I'm going to insist they give Niles my membership. 288 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,127 Wow. That's a hell of a gesture. 289 00:15:55,961 --> 00:15:59,130 Yes, well, I put myself in Niles' place. 290 00:15:59,214 --> 00:16:03,093 He's spent 15 years trying to climb Seattle's social ladder. 291 00:16:03,844 --> 00:16:07,307 Then I waltz in, and within two years, I'm known throughout the city. 292 00:16:07,891 --> 00:16:10,894 To top it all off, I grab the prize he's wanted most of all. 293 00:16:11,853 --> 00:16:13,313 It just isn't fair. 294 00:16:14,272 --> 00:16:16,775 -You're a good kid. -Thank you, Dad. 295 00:16:21,071 --> 00:16:23,121 Might as well say this while I still can. 296 00:16:26,368 --> 00:16:27,494 If anyone needs me… 297 00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:33,959 I'll be at my club. 298 00:16:36,671 --> 00:16:41,425 Oh, yes, the club. The club that I helped you get into. 299 00:16:41,509 --> 00:16:44,679 Now that you're done with me, I'm just cast aside. 300 00:16:46,055 --> 00:16:49,808 Unappreciated, unloved and forgotten. 301 00:16:49,892 --> 00:16:54,147 Yes, well, I see the prosciutto isn't the only imported ham in the house. 302 00:16:57,484 --> 00:17:00,384 Give me your shirt. I'm not going down without a full load. 303 00:17:01,780 --> 00:17:05,080 -Have you got anything white? -Yeah, but you're not getting them. 304 00:17:05,242 --> 00:17:06,993 [DOORBELL RINGS] 305 00:17:11,206 --> 00:17:14,500 -Hello, Dr. Crane. -Hello, Daphne. Hello, Dad. 306 00:17:14,584 --> 00:17:15,752 Niles. 307 00:17:19,132 --> 00:17:21,968 Just passed Frasier. Where was he off to? 308 00:17:22,802 --> 00:17:23,927 He went to the club. 309 00:17:24,011 --> 00:17:25,304 [CHUCKLES WEAKLY] 310 00:17:28,182 --> 00:17:29,850 NILES: No wonder he was evasive. 311 00:17:29,934 --> 00:17:31,810 I hope you don't mind my stopping by. 312 00:17:31,894 --> 00:17:34,897 I had to get out of the house, and I had no place else to go. 313 00:17:36,107 --> 00:17:39,485 You know, Niles, you may get into that club yet. 314 00:17:39,569 --> 00:17:40,904 [SCOFFS] 315 00:17:42,072 --> 00:17:44,658 -What are you talking about? -That's why Frasier went down there. 316 00:17:44,742 --> 00:17:46,660 To tell them to give his spot to you. 317 00:17:48,287 --> 00:17:49,997 Is this one of your sick jokes? 318 00:17:50,998 --> 00:17:53,948 I thought you'd be happy. He's giving up his own membership. 319 00:17:55,461 --> 00:17:58,630 What did you think I would be happy about? This is humiliating. 320 00:17:58,714 --> 00:18:01,549 My big brother going down there to make them take me? 321 00:18:01,633 --> 00:18:04,387 His heart's in the right place. You could show a little gratitude. 322 00:18:04,471 --> 00:18:07,640 They made their decision. They didn't take me on my own merits. 323 00:18:07,724 --> 00:18:09,558 I don't want them to take me out of pity. 324 00:18:09,642 --> 00:18:12,687 I don't care if they invite me now. I don't care if they beg! 325 00:18:12,771 --> 00:18:14,898 -[GROWLS] -Good boy! 326 00:18:20,862 --> 00:18:22,864 [PEOPLE MURMURING] 327 00:18:25,909 --> 00:18:28,745 Excuse me, is the club president here? 328 00:18:28,829 --> 00:18:31,165 Yes, Dr. Crane, Mr. Drake is over there. 329 00:18:31,832 --> 00:18:32,833 Thank you. 330 00:18:39,632 --> 00:18:41,675 -Mr. Drake? -Yeah. 331 00:18:41,759 --> 00:18:47,305 -Dr. Frasier Crane. -Oh, yes, of course. 332 00:18:47,389 --> 00:18:49,683 -The new blood. Please sit down. -Thank you. 333 00:18:50,894 --> 00:18:55,523 Sir, I've come here on a matter of personal business. 334 00:18:55,607 --> 00:18:58,067 It's about my brother, Niles, you see. 335 00:18:58,151 --> 00:19:00,528 Niles is sort of… 336 00:19:00,612 --> 00:19:01,488 Oh. 337 00:19:02,989 --> 00:19:06,409 Oh, my God. This leather's as soft as a baby's bottom. 338 00:19:07,244 --> 00:19:11,581 On family night, we bring the babies in and do a blindfold comparison test. 339 00:19:13,876 --> 00:19:17,254 -That's a joke, Crane. -Oh, yes. Yes, indeed. 340 00:19:17,338 --> 00:19:18,798 A darn good one too, sir. 341 00:19:19,966 --> 00:19:24,261 As I was saying, although my brother may seem a bit priggish at times, 342 00:19:24,345 --> 00:19:26,722 he's one of the most discriminating people I've ever known. 343 00:19:26,806 --> 00:19:31,143 In fact, you'd be hard-pressed to find a bigger snob in this room. 344 00:19:32,270 --> 00:19:35,857 Excuse me, sir. I thought you might enjoy a glass of port. 345 00:19:37,484 --> 00:19:39,444 1896? 346 00:19:39,528 --> 00:19:42,155 What are you trying to say, Crane? 347 00:19:42,239 --> 00:19:43,407 Glad to be aboard, sir. 348 00:19:45,242 --> 00:19:46,910 No. No. 349 00:19:47,661 --> 00:19:50,998 No, I came down here to simply say 350 00:19:52,165 --> 00:19:54,793 that my brother deserves membership more than I do, 351 00:19:55,502 --> 00:19:57,754 and I would like to step down in his favor. 352 00:19:57,838 --> 00:19:59,923 -Are you serious? -Yes, I am. 353 00:20:01,175 --> 00:20:03,970 After all, blood is thicker than port. 354 00:20:07,015 --> 00:20:08,349 I stand corrected. 355 00:20:09,559 --> 00:20:11,227 Let me be candid with you, Crane. 356 00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:14,271 Um, we all liked your brother, but some were quite firm 357 00:20:14,355 --> 00:20:17,900 about accepting anybody in the entertainment business. 358 00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:21,695 I'm afraid radio psychiatrist falls into that category. 359 00:20:21,779 --> 00:20:23,489 Radio psychiatrist? But Niles… 360 00:20:26,869 --> 00:20:29,955 -There's been a terrible mistake. -No, Frasier, there hasn't. 361 00:20:30,039 --> 00:20:32,123 -Niles. -Dad told me you'd be here, 362 00:20:32,207 --> 00:20:33,834 trying to get me into your snooty club. 363 00:20:33,918 --> 00:20:34,793 You needn't bother. 364 00:20:34,877 --> 00:20:36,753 -You don't understand. -No, you don't. 365 00:20:36,837 --> 00:20:38,964 I don't need you to fight my battles. 366 00:20:39,048 --> 00:20:40,549 -But, Niles… -No, butt out. 367 00:20:41,467 --> 00:20:44,219 -Okay. -And as for you, 368 00:20:44,303 --> 00:20:48,432 you made it clear how you feel about me, so I'd like to share how I feel about you. 369 00:20:48,516 --> 00:20:51,227 I'd sooner spend my time in a smelly bus station 370 00:20:51,311 --> 00:20:54,438 than spend one moment with you smug, elitist bigwigs 371 00:20:54,522 --> 00:20:58,317 with your clichéd Oriental carpets and your overstuffed chairs… 372 00:20:58,401 --> 00:21:00,528 My God, it's like a baby's bottom. 373 00:21:02,906 --> 00:21:05,741 You can't reject me, because I reject you. 374 00:21:05,825 --> 00:21:08,203 Yes, I'm talking to you, fuzzy. 375 00:21:09,871 --> 00:21:12,708 I prefer to remain Niles Crane, everyman. 376 00:21:13,334 --> 00:21:15,169 Friend of the average Joe. 377 00:21:16,087 --> 00:21:20,967 Niles, they got our names mixed up. I didn't get in. You did. 378 00:21:21,842 --> 00:21:22,843 What? 379 00:21:26,222 --> 00:21:28,015 It was you they wanted. 380 00:21:28,099 --> 00:21:29,225 Really? I'm in? 381 00:21:29,809 --> 00:21:32,269 Good God, don't just stand there. Fetch me some port. 382 00:21:32,353 --> 00:21:34,856 Will you escort these gentlemen out? 383 00:21:34,940 --> 00:21:38,359 No, no, no, you can't think that I meant those things I was saying. 384 00:21:38,443 --> 00:21:41,613 Excuse me, sir, I must ask you to leave. 385 00:21:43,615 --> 00:21:44,741 You and who else? 386 00:21:48,078 --> 00:21:49,162 Ah. 387 00:21:49,246 --> 00:21:51,957 FRASIER: Niles, come along. We don't need this club. 388 00:21:52,708 --> 00:21:55,126 Let us leave with the dignity with which we came. 389 00:21:55,210 --> 00:21:58,839 But… No, there's been a misunderstanding. I do want to be one of you. 390 00:21:58,923 --> 00:22:01,467 Perhaps you could put me on probation. I could come part-time. 391 00:22:01,551 --> 00:22:04,553 Perhaps afternoons, or just one afternoon. Thursday's a slow day. 392 00:22:04,637 --> 00:22:06,597 You could pick the day. I wouldn't talk to anyone. 393 00:22:06,681 --> 00:22:08,474 I could just sit in a chair and not say a word. 394 00:22:08,558 --> 00:22:12,603 Please, please, please! Oh, let me stay! I belong here! 395 00:22:16,107 --> 00:22:17,191 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 396 00:22:17,275 --> 00:22:19,774 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪ 397 00:22:19,858 --> 00:22:22,031 ♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 398 00:22:22,948 --> 00:22:24,282 Mercy. 399 00:22:24,366 --> 00:22:26,785 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪ 400 00:22:26,869 --> 00:22:29,287 ♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪ 401 00:22:29,371 --> 00:22:31,373 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 402 00:22:31,457 --> 00:22:33,124 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 403 00:22:33,208 --> 00:22:36,545 ♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 404 00:22:37,379 --> 00:22:39,673 ♪ They're callin' again ♪ 405 00:22:39,757 --> 00:22:42,509 Frasier has left the building.