[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR OPENS]
FRASIER: Dad?
Daphne?
Anybody home?
[PLAYING DELICATE TUNE]
[PLAYING SEQUENCE]
[REPEATS SEQUENCE FASTER]
♪ You shake my nerves, and you rattle my brain ♪
♪ Too much love drives a man insane ♪
♪ Oh, what a thrill, yes, what a thrill ♪
♪ Goodness gracious, great balls of fire! ♪
[PLAYING DELICATE TUNE]
I still think you're making too big a deal out of this.
Dad, I have never seen Maris this angry.
I swear, her eye was twitching like a frog in a science experiment.
MARTIN: Well, when your mother'd get mad at me,
I'd just grab her, bend her backwards
and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.
I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae.
She'd snap like a twig.
Let me guess, Maris has moved into the east wing again.
Sunday was her 40th birthday.
She said in no uncertain terms she wanted no acknowledgment of it whatsoever.
And in a moment I live over and over in my dreams, I believed her.
What, no gifts? No party? No nothing?
Say that weeping into an ermine lap robe, and you've got her down perfectly.
Why don't you just get her a nice bottle of perfume?
She gets hives.
How about candy?
Hypoglycemic.
Then just get her a dozen roses.
Allergic.
Oh, why don't you just sit her down and have a little talk with her?
Tell her it was a mistake.
We all know she's a bit touchy about her age,
even though it's not the first time she's turned 40.
I know. I'll throw a great big party for her this weekend.
It'll be a costume ball with a Louis Quatorze theme,
right down to the powdered wigs and the crushed-velvet pantaloons.
May I presume you're both coming down with colds?
[BOTH COUGHING]
And so it goes.
Listen, Dad, you didn't happen to find a book of mine lying around, did you?
The station manager loaned it to me.
-I promised I'd return it. -What's it called?
The Life and Times of Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree.
It's a stunningly witty history of the English theater.
Oh, okay, you caught me.
I got it hidden under my pillow.
Dad, you could at least try to be a little helpful.
-I promised I'd return it today. -Well, ask Daphne when she comes in.
She was looking for something to put her to sleep last night.
That book sounds like it could put her into a coma.
Cute, cute, cute… Mm.
[PILLS RATTLE]
-Dr. Crane! -Daphne!
What are you doing in my room?
Oh, well, I, uh… I thought you were out.
Not that I make a habit of coming in when you are out.
It's just that, uh, well, I thought… Well, um, I came in to get my book,
which I have. You see? [CHUCKLES] Here.
Uh, well, we'll just be going.
Me and my book. [CHUCKLES]
See Frasier go.
Nadia, you tell Mrs. Crane I want to speak to her and don't take no for an answer.
Well, then, Nadia,
you tell her that Dr. Crane says please, please, please, please…
Maris hung up on you, huh?
No, now she's got Nadia doing her dirty work.
Nadia is Maris' hatchet maid.
What happened to that Louis the French Guy birthday party?
Disaster there too.
Maris reminded me that an entire branch of her family tree was slaughtered
by the Huguenots.
You know, let's just forget about Maris for the time being.
Shall we sit down, relax and have a nice meal in a convivial atmosphere?
What is she mad about?
Beats me.
DAPHNE: Here's your favorite, Mr. Crane.
Creamed onions.
And, Dr. Crane, I made me special glazed carrots just for you.
-Thank you. -You. Carve.
Well, we don't know what she's mad at, but we sure as hell know who.
If anyone needs me, I'll be eating in me room.
You know where that is.
What did you do?
This morning I went into her bedroom.
Frasier, how could you?
No matter how irresistible the urge to venture down that hallway,
to press your face against that door,
to actually feel the grain of the wood against your cheek,
it must be fought. It must be fought.
FRASIER: Oh, Niles!
I simply went in to retrieve my book.
-You're not supposed to go in there. -What's the big deal?
Do you ever see her leave her door open? She doesn't like people going in there.
She goes into my room. It doesn't bother me.
-Women are different. -Oh, that is sexism talking.
No, that's 35 years of marriage talking.
Women protect their privacy.
You know how they are about their handbags.
You never go in there.
It's always "Bring me my purse."
A husband could say, "Honey, I'm being robbed.
A guy's holding a gun to my head, and I don't have any money."
The wife would say, "Bring me my purse."
Dad, as usual, your simple homespun wisdom
has pricked the balloon of Frasier's pomposity.
Now, you were wrong. So go on in there and apologize. Go on.
Oh, all right.
I will go into Daphne's room and I will apologize to her.
Alone, Niles!
DAPHNE: Yes?
FRASIER: Daphne, it's Dr. Crane.
Yes.
FRASIER: Could you open the door, please?
I, um… I behaved very insensitively this morning, and, um…
I did need the book,
but it was wrong of me to go in without your permission.
And, um…
And I'm sorry.
And it'll never happen again.
Ever.
I'm being very nice.
Well, good night, Daphne.
Oh, wait.
I'm being much too hard on you.
I'm just a little sensitive about me privacy.
Oh, look, there's no need to explain.
I promise you it will never been an issue again.
Well, thank you for being so understanding.
And I suppose me problem goes back to growing up in a household of boys.
-Oh. -My brothers were all snoops.
They never gave me a moment's peace.
Oh, it was a filthy little rite of passage for the Moon boys.
When they reached a certain age,
they'd sneak into the bathroom and peek at me in the shower.
Oh, dear God. All eight of them?
Well, except for me brother Billy, the ballroom dancer.
He never peeked at me.
Though he did peek at me brother Nigel.
-[FRIDGE DOOR OPENS] -FRASIER: Coffee, Dad?
Why not? I'm up six times a night anyway. I might as well be alert.
[GARBAGE DISPOSAL GRINDING]
Oh, jeez, the disposal's jammed.
Here, stick your hand down there and see what's stuck, will you?
Dad, it's me, Niles.
-I can't get my hand in there. -NILES: Oh, all right.
Punish a man for being fine boned.
-You're sure it's off? -Positive.
NILES: Ah, ah, ah. Move away from the switch.
MARTIN: Jeez.
Oh, it's wet and slimy and God knows what.
It's like sticking my hand into the mouth of hell.
-[GRINDER BUZZING] -[SCREAMS]
-Give me a call when the coffee's ready. -Yes.
Sorry, Niles. Dear God.
That's enough excitement for one evening. I'm going home to Maris.
I thought she wasn't speaking to you.
She's not, but she grows weary of being frosty to the help.
Oh, by the way, I'm out of cash.
I need something to tip your garage attendant.
[PILLS RATTLE]
-Oh, great. -NILES: What?
These pills.
Well, I was thinking money, but you know him better than I do.
No, no, Daphne's prescription.
When I was in her room earlier, I must have inadvertently…
Knocked them into my pocket.
It's an interesting phenomenon.
I can't walk through a drugstore
without aspirin and decongestants leaping into my trousers.
Okay, okay. All right.
-I was snooping around a little bit. -Ah.
Oh, dear God.
"Take one before bedtime." Oh, no, she's sure to miss these tonight.
[DOOR OPENS]
Oh, you're heading off, Dr. Crane?
-Yes, yes, I am. -Say hello to your wife.
I'll certainly try.
DAPHNE: Mr. Crane, time for your exercises.
Oh, great, this is my chance. I'll sneak back and put these in her room.
Alone, Niles!
MARTIN: The Sonics game's on.
I'll do my exercises tomorrow.
DAPHNE: Fine. If you need me, I'll be in my room.
You're doing a double set tomorrow.
MARTIN: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Grumpy old sod.
[DAPHNE HUMMING "THE BLUE DANUBE WALTZ"]
[WATER RUNNING]
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
[WATER RUNNING]
DAPHNE: What are you doing?
That's disgusting, you filthy thing.
Get out of here right now! Get out!
Daphne, I'm so sorry!
[SCREAMING]
[YELLING]
Good morning, Frasier.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
And a bran muffin.
No, no…
Due bran muffins.
Maris and I burned up a lot of energy last night.
A lot of energy.
I have to replenish my body.
I assume you and Maris achieved détente.
Twice.
What magic words did you use to melt your little glacier?
When I got home, I sat her down and I stared deeply into her eyes
and I said, "Maris, here are the keys to your new Mercedes."
-You bought her a Mercedes? -NILES: Yes.
Oh, the things that tiny woman can do when she's properly motivated.
If you're through marinating in your own testosterone, I have a problem.
Remember last night I went back into Daphne's room?
Well, she caught me again.
Oh, you're joking.
God, I was just so embarrassed that I had to leave this morning before she woke up.
I left a little note trying to explain my actions.
Considering the circumstances,
I don't really think there's any way she can forgive me.
Come, now. It wasn't as bad as all that.
It's not like you saw her naked or something.
You did.
I took no pleasure in it at all.
The entire thing was… Was just absolutely mortifying.
I want to help you with this,
so you have tell me everything, every sight, every sound.
Unburden yourself before you explode.
-No, no! -NILES: All right, then.
I'll show you how I've always imagined her and you tell me where I'm wrong.
Just… Put your pen back. How dare?
ROZ: Hey, guys.
-Hello, Roz. -Hello.
Good to see you.
So, Niles, you randy dog.
You got lucky last night, didn't you?
I can always tell.
-Oh, don't worry, you'll meet somebody. -Oh.
May I have a nonfat cap, please?
Roz, this was a private conversation.
I'm helping my brother with a matter of some delicacy.
-Yes. -ROZ: Don't worry.
-Shower Boy told me all about it. -Yeah. Hmm.
I just don't see that there's any way I can make this up to Daphne.
Well, nothing says "I'm sorry" like an in-dash CD player
and a passenger-side airbag.
Yes, Maris was upset with Niles, so he bought her a Mercedes.
Woof.
If you're suggesting that I buy my way out of my problem,
the answer is no. It's the coward's way out.
Oh, so I'm a coward?
-Yes. -Well, I'm a coward with a hickey.
Buy me a Mercedes and I'll make your neck look like a relief map of the Andes.
Roz, don't encourage him.
I think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts.
Oh, really? And during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?
Oh, how dare you indict my marriages,
considering the non-marriage that you're involved in…
[DOOR OPENS]
MARTIN: Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm glad to see you.
I need some advice.
I've got this son who's a total numbnut.
Hello, Dad.
Love your icebreaker.
You'd better get her to stay, Frasier.
She knows my moods, she knows how to handle me, and I like her.
-She's talking about quitting? -Yes. Now get in there and apologize.
Oh, Dad, Dad, I can't go in there.
No, of course you can't. Because I asked you to go in there.
When I said don't go in there, what did you do?
You went in there. Now I say go in there, so you won't.
That's what I like about Eddie. He always does what I tell him to.
Come on, Eddie.
He's defying you too, Dad!
Uh, Daphne, Daphne, please, please, wait.
Uh, we've gotta talk. I feel absolutely terrible.
Oh, now, Dr. Crane, your note explained everything.
You've got nothing to feel bad about.
Oh, well, that puts my mind at ease.
DAPHNE: A servant like me doesn't deserve privacy anyway.
Matter of fact, why don't we just get it all out in the open?
Oh, no, oh…
Here's me bank book, some personal letters,
oh, and me driver's license.
As you can see, I'm 4 pounds heavier now.
But it's in a spot that doesn't really show,
to most people.
Oh, look, Daphne, I realize how hard it is
to live in someone else's home.
Yes, it is.
But I put up with it because I happen to love this job.
All I ever asked for was one room.
A little corner I could call me own.
I never minded that I was up to me eyeballs
in your precious earth tones and your African knickknacks.
But now I have to put up with you in there too.
And that's one leering love god too many.
Oh, Daphne.
Daphne, you're absolutely right. You do deserve a place of your own.
Listen, if you agree to stay, I'll pay to have your room redecorated.
Just make it your own.
Paint, wallpaper, upholstery,
anything you'd like, just so that you'll feel comfortable.
How about an electrified fence and a German police dog?
Daphne, I promise,
as long as we live under the same roof together,
I will never, ever set foot in your room again.
-All right. -Oh, thank you.
-DAPHNE: I'll give it another try. -[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Hello, all. -FRASIER: Oh, Niles.
Hello, Dr. Crane. Goodbye, Dr. Crane.
-Oh, where are you off to? -Oh, I have some shopping to do.
Your brother just offered to pay to have me room redecorated.
Oh, really?
I'm thinking of doing the whole thing in pinks and yellows.
Dear God, she's really determined to keep me out of there.
So you're putting things right with Daphne by opening up your checkbook.
Oh, I know what you're thinking.
Believe me, it's just a gesture.
Oh, I see.
When I give Maris a car, it's a bribe.
When you redecorate Daphne's room, it's a gesture.
Niles, our two situations are entirely different.
You bought Maris off because you are afraid of her.
NILES: Oh, I see.
And you're not the slightest bit intimidated by Daphne?
-No. -Then you won't be at all alarmed
if I were to, say, do this?
Niles! Niles! Where are you going?
-Uh-oh, look, my foot's in Daphne's room. -Just get out of there.
What's the matter? You afraid you'll get in trouble?
Niles…
-Now we're safe. -Oh, stop it.
Trouble. Safe.
Niles, you're acting like a child. Just get out of there.
Trouble. Safe. Trouble. Safe.
Oh, good God! You see what you've done now?
She's bound to find out. Oh, God.
Oh, well, so you'll just write her a bigger, fatter check.
No, Niles, she'll quit.
-What? Why didn't you say… -Oh, you spilled, you clumsy…
Just pick it up!
-What the hell are you two doing in here? -Oh, Dad, it's all Niles' fault.
-What's… Oh! -Just help us, will you, please?
-For God's sake. -Just take those.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
How do you fold…
Ooh.
Daphne, did you happen to see that sporty little subcompact over there?
I'll bet you could park that anywhere.
Is that a Mercedes dealership across the street?
[BARKS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night, everybody!