[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
FRASIER: Well, Caroline, if you've been in therapy for two years
and feel like you're no longer making progress,
perhaps you've reached a plateau
or you and your therapist have simply gone as far as you can together.
CAROLINE: Maybe it is time for a change.
He's kind of dry and long-winded.
Well, two years is certainly a long time
to spend with a psychiatrist you find dry and long-winded.
Amen to that.
Thanks, Dr. Crane. You've given me a lot to think about.
Would it be okay if I call back sometime and pick your brain?
Well, just consider me your mental banjo.
Well, that's it for this fine Friday, Seattle.
This is Frasier Crane saying we'll see you next week.
-[SIGHS] -Good show, Frasier.
Oh, Roz, I've been waiting for this moment for the entire week.
[GASPS]
Oh!
That's what I love about you, Frasier. You work hard and you play hard.
Oh, Roz, you have no idea how much I'm looking forward to this weekend.
You know, there comes a time when even the most conscientious of psychiatrists
has had his fill of other people's problems.
Hi, is one of you Roz Doyle?
Yes. That's all the clues we're gonna give you.
A little offering from one of your suitors, perhaps, eh?
Maybe a nice string of pearls, a teardrop pendant.
It's a brick of cheese.
Well, on the right chain, I can see that looking smart.
No, it's from my family.
They're in Wisconsin at my uncle's dairy farm having a family reunion.
Why didn't you go, Roz?
Oh, there wasn't time. But now I wish I'd gone.
Frasier, we always have so much fun.
Like this one time there was this huge cheese platter.
One of my uncles started speaking in cheese language.
Like instead of saying, "Hello, how are you?"
He said, "Hello, Havarti."
Someone else would go, "Ooh, I'm Gouda."
And then… I don't know, what would come after that?
Well, if I'd been there, the sound of a gunshot.
[VOICE BREAKING] Don't make fun. I miss those people.
Oh, Roz, oh.
-There, there. -We play games and sing songs.
Oh, of course, I know.
And Aunt Libby does cannonballs into the lake.
Oh, yes, the memories must be…
And then Uncle Ned has too much to drink
and he starts putting pants on all the cows.
Oh.
I mean, listen, Roz, look, if what you're looking for is family fun tonight,
why don't you come to my place? It's my dad's birthday.
I forgot about it last year. I'm gonna make up for it this year.
There's just one rule: No work, just a good time.
I don't think I'd be much fun.
FRASIER: Roz, I insist.
There's no one I enjoy partying with more than you.
And I just hate to see you like this. I…
-I Camembert it. -Aw…
-How sweet. [SOBS] -Oh…
[DOOR OPENS]
All right!
It's someone's birthday.
I hope you're all in the mood for a party.
I know I am.
-DAPHNE: You're bloody impossible! -MARTIN: And you're a bloody nag!
-DAPHNE: Don't you shake that cane at me! -MARTIN: Quack, quack, quack… Hey!
Oh, for heaven's sake, not again.
I just decided what I want for my birthday: fire Daphne.
You'd have to rehire me first, because I quit.
I hope I never see this place or that hateful old canker sore again.
-What is it this time? -DAPHNE: The usual.
I ask him to do his exercises,
and he twists his face up like a mewling baby.
Why don't you tell him how you ask me to do it?
By pouring my beer down the sink
and banging on the spaghetti pot with a wooden spoon.
I'm here for your health. I don't have to be your friend.
That's good, because I got a friend right here
who doesn't happen to be a yammering nag.
Eddie, fetch.
Oh, stop this.
Jeez. You have the same argument all the time.
You can pick this up again tomorrow. Tonight we are going to have a party.
I went down to Emilio's. I got your favorite lemon cake.
You see? I also got some snacks and some champagne.
Can we all just agree to have fun this evening?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That is probably Roz. She's been down this week.
What's she's in need of is a happy and carefree environment.
Frankly, I could use the same thing. Now can you just agree to maybe a truce?
-Well, if she keeps her big mouth shut… -if he can keep…
-Roz! Hello. -Hi, Frasier.
-Hey, Martin. -MARTIN: Hey, Roz.
-Happy birthday. -Oh, you didn't have to do this.
Hey! Thanks, Roz, I'll have to model it for you later.
He's already modeling the last one someone gave him.
-MARTIN: Quack. -[DOORBELL RINGS]
I have a very nice evening planned. Can we all just try to be civil?
You unprincipled charlatan!
You unconscionable fraud!
-Happy birthday, Dad. -Thanks.
Niles, what are you talking about?
You spoke to a patient of mine today, Caroline.
As a result of your fast-food approach to psychiatry, she left me.
Caroline was your patient?
Two years of my hard work wiped out by one of your two-minute McSessions.
Niles, I merely suggested that she consider a change.
Based on what diagnostic method?
"One potato, two potato"?
DAPHNE: Oh, fancy that.
A member of the Crane family who doesn't take the time to do something.
-Quack. -Exactly, Dad. Quack.
Oh…
I was talking to her.
Don't you raise your cane at her.
DAPHNE: Let him. It's only exercise he'll get.
It happens to be Dad's birthday, for God's sake.
[ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
No, wait!
Roz, where are you going?
I think I better leave.
We were just talking. It wasn't fighting. We were talking.
I'd just really rather be by myself.
Thanks, guys.
I had a wonderful time.
Well, I hope you're happy.
-You've ruined her evening. -Her evening? It's my birthday.
Right. Well, let's get that under way right now.
Who's ready for cake?
I certainly don't wanna keep anybody here a second longer than they have to be,
so let's get this over with.
Thanks for a great party.
NILES: Well, there's nothing wrong with Dad's lungs.
DAPHNE: Every light in the city is out.
-It must be a blackout. -FRASIER: Don't panic.
There's worse places we could all be in a blackout.
-NILES: Like the elevator. -FRASIER: Oh, my God, Roz!
MARTIN: Why couldn't it be Daphne?
-[CANE CLANKS] -MARTIN: Stop doing that!
DAPHNE: We just need to get some light in here.
-MARTIN: Eddie, where are you? -DAPHNE: Oh, excuse me, Dr. Crane.
NILES: Quite all right, Daphne.
FRASIER: Oh, Daphne, where are the hurricane lamps?
DAPHNE: In the kitchen. I'll get them.
FRASIER: Dad, why don't you light a fire?
-DAPHNE: Oh. Excuse me, Dr. Crane. -NILES: Not your fault, Daphne.
MARTIN: Eddie, where are you?
-[THUD] -[EDDIE BARKS]
FRASIER: Damn it! I found him.
Well, that's better.
I'm gonna go get my radio, see what the hell's going on.
FRASIER: All right.
Oh, Roz, Roz, are you all right?
[PANTING] I'm fine. I'm fine.
The blackout hit just as the elevator doors opened on the 14th floor.
So I stood in the hallway trying to decide
whether to come back up here with you guys
or take my chances on the pitch-black streets
with the muggers and the weirdos.
So I went down a couple of flights…
And then I changed my mind.
Meanwhile, somebody's probably looting my apartment.
Yes, I hear there's a thriving black market
in badly designed Formica coffee tables.
At least I have my own sense of style.
You won't even buy a chair
unless some fey French aristocrat has sat his fat satin fanny in it.
Louis XIV was not fey.
Everyone wore garters in the 18th century.
-Yeah, if they were fey, they did. -I will have you know he was…
Silence, enfants!
Jeez!
We can all sit here in the dark
and be miserable or we can try to have some fun.
I'm going to call Maris.
Well, Niles has voted. Who votes for fun?
I'm gonna go get a big glass of wine.
Well, it looks like the steaks we were going to have are out.
-I better go see what I can find. -FRASIER: Thank you.
-Ooh… [CHUCKLES] Sorry, Dr. Crane. -Excuse me, Daphne.
There's a power outage all over south Seattle.
They're working on it now.
Hello, Maris, thank God I got you. Darling, there is no need to panic.
The most important thing is to stay calm.
About the blackout.
Maris, take off your slumber mask.
Oh. No, no, darling, don't panic.
Honey… No, honey…
It… We're… Honey… Honey… Ho…
She's fine.
Ooh, yum, scrum, pigs' bummies. Something nice.
Half-gallon tubs of cookies 'n' cream and vanilla fudge.
Mm. Well, let's take care of these right away before they melt.
FRASIER: No need to worry.
The freezer will keep them cold for at least 24 hours.
BOTH: Shut up.
Well, I don't like to get nostalgic,
but it was sure great last year when you forgot my birthday.
Oh… You know what we need to do? We need to liven things up a little bit.
How about a game?
What was that game we played at the Vanderkelins
while they were costuming the servants for the living chess match? It was, um…
Oh, yes, I remember. It was "I'm the Dullest Person."
Well, at least pick a game someone else has a chance of winning.
That's got things shaking.
Okay, come on, Dad, come on.
The object of the game is we all get pennies
and we're supposed to try to get the other person's pennies.
Please, slow down.
All right, now,
if I were going to go, I would say,
"I am the dullest person because I have never been on a roller coaster."
And then all of you that have been on a roller coaster
would give me a penny.
Now, then, all right, now we all have our pennies.
Who would like to go first?
-Daphne? -I can't think of anything.
FRASIER: Of course you can.
Just say the first thing that comes into your mind.
-"I'm the dullest person because…" -Oh, I don't know.
Because I've never made love in a lift or a phone booth
or on an airplane or a merry-go-round.
That's good, but strategically speaking, it's not the best way to get our pennies.
It should be something someone might have actually…
[PENNY CLINKS]
…done.
[PENNIES CLINKING]
I was in college.
I was trying to find myself.
All you needed to do was look under the nearest man.
All right, Dad, get our pennies.
All right. I'm the dullest person
because I've never been to France.
That's good, Dad. That's in the spirit of it.
All right, Niles, what's something you've never done?
Well, let's see.
I'm the dullest person because I've never sabotaged my brother's career.
Will you give it a rest?
Your father could show you how to do that.
Quack, quack, quack.
[ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
Will you people stop?!
You are torturing me.
I could report you to Amnesty International.
-That's it. I'm out of here. -Oh, Dad.
You haven't even cut your cake yet. Where are you going?
MARTIN: I'm gonna sit in the tub with a hair dryer
and wait for the power to come back on.
Well, this blackout could go on all night.
It's time I braved the dark streets and got back to my Maris.
I just hope this isn't like the lightning storm last month.
The only way I could coax her out
from under the bed was by tying a Prozac to the end of a string.
FRASIER: Roz?
You wanna have a little cake?
No, thanks.
[SIGHS] This reminds me of Wisconsin.
All dark and deserted.
That's on the license plate, isn't it?
Roz, what's the real reason you didn't go to your reunion?
You've always made it before.
ROZ: Well…
No, no.
You said you didn't wanna hear any more problems today, and I don't blame you.
I think we have time for one more caller.
Well,
every year I go to my reunion, and my relatives crowd around me
and I answer the same questions.
No, I'm not married.
No, I don't have any kids.
Yes, I still have that tattoo.
Nope, you can't see it.
It'd just be so nice if I could at least say I have a great career.
-Roz, you do have a great career. -[SCOFFS]
Tell that to my relatives.
According to them,
I spend four hours on the phone every day with a bunch of losers
and wackos, and then I turn them over to some tedious know-it-all
who gives them pointless advice.
FRASIER: Hmm.
Oh, that's not me talking. That's my uncle Ned.
Oh, yes, the cow haberdasher.
You know, Roz, ten years ago,
KACL didn't have any women producers.
You're a pioneer.
You've won awards.
You help people.
-Sounds right when you say it. -Mm-hm.
I bet you're just looking for too much from your job.
You should start exploring other areas of your life, interests. Maybe…
Maybe a serious relationship.
Maybe you're right.
I mean, how long can I go on chasing these hunky 25-year-olds
that are all looks and no substance?
Exactly, Roz.
No, I'm serious, I'm asking. How long? Three, four years? What?
-[CROCKERY SMASHES] -DAPHNE: Oh, bloody hell!
Daphne, you all right?
I broke your father's souvenir spoon rest from Atlantic City.
Oh, good.
You know, when I have my own kitchen,
I'm gonna put me spoons right on the damn counter.
I've always said as soon as I save $2000,
I'll get me own place.
-Well, how much have you saved? -Four thousand.
Oh, I know what you're thinking.
What's wrong with me?
Why do I stay here?
No, I was just thinking I must be paying you too much.
Me friends all say, "You should be on your own.
Have a place. Have a life."
Why do I stay here?
Well, could it be that maybe you…
You like us?
You know, my grandmother used to have a cat,
mangy old thing, kept ruining the furniture and stuff.
I asked her why she kept it,
and she said that maybe it was because
she liked having another heartbeat around the house.
It just makes me feel like I'm not very ambitious.
I mean, I could be working in a hospital or a clinic.
Of course you could, Daphne,
but maybe that's not what's important to you right now.
I think you like being part of a family.
What's wrong with that?
Nothing, I suppose.
Although me friends wonder how I can live with such demanding men.
Oh, they call me demanding, do they?
No, actually, they call you a pompous ass.
Oh.
-But now you've learned that I'm not. -No, I've learned to work around it.
Excuse me, I'm getting a beer.
And, yes, I know it's not good for me.
And, yes, I know it's gonna make me fat.
And, yes, I know it'll keep me from doing my exercises.
-You have anything to add to that? -Yes.
Happy birthday, you old sod.
They try to confuse you on purpose.
God, room temperature.
Just like merry old England, another place I'll never get to.
You used to talk about going to Europe when your hip improved.
Now you're saying you'll never get there.
-What's changed? -Nothing.
My hip's the same as it was a year ago.
I had it in my head I'd be better by now,
but I'm not and I'm probably never gonna be.
Ah, you don't understand.
You're happy just sitting on your can,
doing your little radio show, living inside your head.
But I'm used to being out there.
MARTIN: Eddie!
FRASIER: Listen, Dad, uh…
You can still travel.
No, you can.
If you can't walk around Paris, you could sit at a nice café
and let Paris walk past you.
Maybe buy a glass of wine for a beautiful mademoiselle,
get yourself a nice bottle of imported beer.
I only like Ballantine's.
In Paris, Ballantine's is imported beer.
And you are the handsome Américain
with the adorable accent.
They like mustaches over there, don't they?
[PANTING]
Nineteen floors down to my car.
Garage door's electric.
Can't open it.
Twenty floors back up.
Lost count.
Bad lady upstairs.
Big dog.
Need place to die.
ROZ: Same to you, buddy!
Who you talking to?
Some rowdy guys downstairs.
Come on out here, Martin. I want you to introduce us.
MARTIN: All right, keep your pants on.
Here, Niles, let me take your coat.
Oh, haven't you taken enough from me today?
Oh, Niles, you're being silly and irrational.
Sticks and stones…
You're acting just like Dad.
You take that back!
You know you're not really mad at me. I didn't tell that woman to leave you.
I merely suggested it as an option.
It was all her choice.
Could it be that you're upset because you couldn't help that woman?
You know, I really hate that.
When you take a simple criticism and you turn it back on me.
Well, I think I'm right.
Well, of course you're right. Why do you think I hate it?
[SIGHS]
Do you have any idea what I went through trying to help that woman?
-Yes, I think I do. -[SIGHS]
Niles…
You're a perfectionist.
As faults go, that's not such a bad one to have.
Hmm. It just would've been nice if I could've been the one to tell her
that it was time to go.
Instead she had to hear it from some glib, albeit insightful, radio pundit.
Those rowdy guys downstairs invited us to a blackout party.
-They got cold beer. -ROZ: And Jarlsberg.
You know, it's funny, I was feeling a bit down before,
but suddenly I'm in a party mood.
-NILES: I am kind of too. -What about our party?
-Well, there are people downstairs. -Yeah, they got barbecue.
-NILES: Come on, Frasier. -Oh, no, no, thank you.
I'm not in the mood anymore.
Oh, don't be a party pooper.
Oh, let him be. He's always been that way.
Excuse me, just a second. Maybe it's time for a little lesson
about what it's like to live the life of this party pooper.
I spend the whole damn week ministering
to the troubled and the neurotic
and the sometimes just plain goofy.
Then I hang up my earphones, and it doesn't end there.
Out on the street,
at the café, even in this building,
more people come up for help, more problems.
I suppose they just think it's okay. It's what I do.
But every time I try to help them, it costs me a little piece of myself.
A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there,
until I end up feeling like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti
surrounded by burping vultures.
Well, this happened to be one of those weeks.
I had my escape planned.
I was gonna come home for an evening of fun with my extended family.
What do I get? I get the four of you
going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day.
So I roll up my sleeves
and I tend to each one of you,
and you all feel better.
And the minute you get the whiff of mesquite coming from down below,
you are out the door,
without so much as a thank-you.
Well, thank you for the invitation.
But I am frankly fed up with people and their problems.
The doctor is out.
-ROZ: Oh, Frasier… -I had no idea you felt that way.
Okay, apologies accepted.
Great, so you'll come?
No, no, look, you…
I love you all, I really do.
Just, uh, what I want is to be left alone, right here,
-where no one needs anything from me. -Well…
All right, I'll bring you some barbecue.
[ALL CHATTERING]
FRASIER: Have fun.
ROZ: Oh, my God, it's dark out here.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, for God's sake, Eddie.
No, I'm not gonna do it.
No.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salad and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Frasier has left the building.