1 00:00:02,165 --> 00:00:04,168 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:15,263 --> 00:00:16,806 -Hello, Niles. -Frasier, quick, 3 00:00:16,890 --> 00:00:18,892 -give me your museum membership card. -What for? 4 00:00:18,976 --> 00:00:21,020 I just heard, tickets go on sale today 5 00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:23,647 for the exhibit of 14th-century Japanese Nitsuki figurines. 6 00:00:23,731 --> 00:00:25,859 -Then the rumors were true. -Yes, yes. 7 00:00:25,943 --> 00:00:28,243 Hurry, I wanna get there before the line forms. 8 00:00:28,821 --> 00:00:29,947 Five seconds. 9 00:00:30,699 --> 00:00:32,849 Oh, just give me a minute, Niles. Sit tight. 10 00:00:35,370 --> 00:00:36,954 And we're back. 11 00:00:37,038 --> 00:00:39,249 Before we take our last call, I'd like to remind you 12 00:00:39,333 --> 00:00:43,462 that Mercy Hospital will be conducting free blood pressure testing this Saturday 13 00:00:43,546 --> 00:00:45,089 on Whidbey Island. 14 00:00:45,173 --> 00:00:49,386 Hypertension leads to stroke, heart disease and other maladies. 15 00:00:50,178 --> 00:00:54,183 So we should all be on the lookout for symptoms like shortness of breath, 16 00:00:54,767 --> 00:00:56,226 quickening of pulse, irritability… 17 00:00:56,310 --> 00:00:58,910 Oh, will you just shove the damn thing in your mouth! 18 00:01:02,651 --> 00:01:07,782 So let's all join together to help defeat this silent killer. 19 00:01:12,621 --> 00:01:14,623 Roz, who's on the line? 20 00:01:14,707 --> 00:01:17,125 On line four we have Mac, who's recently moved here 21 00:01:17,209 --> 00:01:20,059 from Australia and he's having a problem with a co-worker. 22 00:01:20,422 --> 00:01:22,382 Hello, Mac. Welcome to Seattle. 23 00:01:22,466 --> 00:01:23,633 I'm listening. 24 00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:25,719 MAC: Well, mate, it's like the sheila said. 25 00:01:25,803 --> 00:01:27,638 I'm working with a real yobbo. 26 00:01:27,722 --> 00:01:30,683 He goes on and on about things nobody gives a billabong about, 27 00:01:30,767 --> 00:01:32,644 just to show off how smart he is. 28 00:01:32,728 --> 00:01:33,895 Well, you have my sympathy. 29 00:01:33,979 --> 00:01:38,401 There is nothing more irritating than pointless and pretentious erudition. 30 00:01:40,779 --> 00:01:44,281 My advice to you is to simply avoid him. Is that possible? 31 00:01:44,365 --> 00:01:45,909 Not really, you bloody wallaby. 32 00:01:45,993 --> 00:01:47,870 You're on right before me! 33 00:01:51,081 --> 00:01:53,084 Stay tuned for the Bulldog! [BARKS] 34 00:01:54,252 --> 00:01:55,086 [LINE CLICKS] 35 00:01:57,672 --> 00:01:59,133 Well, that's one on me. 36 00:01:59,842 --> 00:02:03,011 Or rather one on me and my call screener, Roz, 37 00:02:03,095 --> 00:02:05,807 whose ancestors were once heard remarking: 38 00:02:05,891 --> 00:02:08,841 "Oh, what a nice wooden horse. Of course, I'll sign for it." 39 00:02:12,524 --> 00:02:16,360 This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health. 40 00:02:16,444 --> 00:02:17,445 [DOOR OPENS] 41 00:02:17,529 --> 00:02:19,072 Gotcha! 42 00:02:19,156 --> 00:02:22,868 How many times have I asked you to desist with your adolescent antics? 43 00:02:22,952 --> 00:02:25,204 -Oh, get a sense of humor. -Look, I mean it. 44 00:02:25,288 --> 00:02:28,288 -I will go over your head. -Oh, stop it! You're scaring me! 45 00:02:29,501 --> 00:02:32,880 Listen, you sleazy, little Lyme tick, you do that one more time 46 00:02:32,964 --> 00:02:36,509 and I'll cut you off, and I don't mean mid-sentence. 47 00:02:37,176 --> 00:02:38,526 Stop it. You're scaring me. 48 00:02:42,975 --> 00:02:45,311 Do you believe the sophomoric hi-jinks I have to put with? 49 00:02:45,395 --> 00:02:47,229 No. Who would've thought it from a station 50 00:02:47,313 --> 00:02:49,190 whose current motto is, "Yakkety-yak, we talk back." 51 00:02:49,274 --> 00:02:51,234 Yeah. Oh, run along, Niles. 52 00:02:55,865 --> 00:02:57,199 Oh, hello, Dr. Crane. 53 00:02:57,283 --> 00:02:59,619 Miss Costas, I'd like you to meet my brother, Dr. Niles Crane. 54 00:02:59,703 --> 00:03:00,995 -How do you do? -Enchanté. 55 00:03:01,079 --> 00:03:03,498 I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm off to get tickets for Frasier and me 56 00:03:03,582 --> 00:03:05,166 to the Japanese Nitsuki exhibit. 57 00:03:05,250 --> 00:03:07,252 You'll love it. I saw it in Kyoto. 58 00:03:07,336 --> 00:03:11,536 It's just such a shame they're not letting the really rare pieces out of the country. 59 00:03:12,091 --> 00:03:13,176 Oh. 60 00:03:16,471 --> 00:03:18,348 As my Japanese gardener says: 61 00:03:18,432 --> 00:03:20,434 [SPEAKS IN JAPANESE] 62 00:03:20,518 --> 00:03:22,145 Watch your mouth. 63 00:03:22,937 --> 00:03:24,898 Oh, you speak Japanese. Well… 64 00:03:25,481 --> 00:03:29,028 I'll just retreat now, so that I can be one with my humiliation. 65 00:03:33,366 --> 00:03:36,661 -Uh, Kate, could I have a word with you? -I'm in kind of a hurry. 66 00:03:36,745 --> 00:03:38,371 Yes, well, this'll just take a moment. 67 00:03:38,455 --> 00:03:40,457 I seriously doubt that. But go ahead. 68 00:03:40,541 --> 00:03:42,709 Yes, well, I've tried to deal with this problem on my own, 69 00:03:42,793 --> 00:03:46,798 but Bulldog insists on interrupting my show with his foolish pranks. 70 00:03:46,882 --> 00:03:49,092 -Yeah, I heard. -I did not spend eight grueling years 71 00:03:49,176 --> 00:03:52,303 at Harvard to be mocked by that juvenile jackass. 72 00:03:52,387 --> 00:03:54,640 -Shameless. -Oh, he's beyond shameless. 73 00:03:54,724 --> 00:03:58,474 I'm talking about the way you manage to get Harvard into every conversation. 74 00:03:59,855 --> 00:04:03,455 I'm sure you'll mention your alma mater too someday when it's accredited. 75 00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:08,406 Gee, you sure know how to ask for help. 76 00:04:08,490 --> 00:04:10,950 -Oh, I'm sorry. I am sorry. -All right, all right! 77 00:04:11,034 --> 00:04:12,118 I'll take care of it. 78 00:04:12,202 --> 00:04:14,997 -Just make sure that he understands… -You went to Harvard. I know. 79 00:04:15,081 --> 00:04:15,915 I'll tell him. 80 00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:20,128 MAN: Hey, the key to this game is the Huskies' secondary. 81 00:04:20,212 --> 00:04:22,130 Jack, how can I put this to you delicately? 82 00:04:22,214 --> 00:04:23,423 You're a moron! 83 00:04:23,507 --> 00:04:24,591 Shut up! 84 00:04:24,675 --> 00:04:26,134 You don't know squat. 85 00:04:26,218 --> 00:04:28,971 You know less than squat. You and squat could go to the movies, 86 00:04:29,055 --> 00:04:31,505 and squat could wear an "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt. 87 00:04:32,475 --> 00:04:33,518 You're awesome, Bulldog. 88 00:04:33,602 --> 00:04:36,396 Hey, way to nail that blowhard Dr. Crane. You are the greatest! 89 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:37,680 Yeah, whatever. Shut up. 90 00:04:38,148 --> 00:04:38,982 Now, look, 91 00:04:39,066 --> 00:04:42,528 all you guys sending in these postcards to win tickets to the Seahawks game, 92 00:04:42,612 --> 00:04:44,989 do I need another picture of the Space Needle? 93 00:04:45,073 --> 00:04:47,117 Chicks in thongs. 94 00:04:47,201 --> 00:04:48,035 Enough said? 95 00:04:48,953 --> 00:04:50,621 We'll be back right after this. 96 00:04:51,831 --> 00:04:54,500 Um, hey, what I just said. I'm sorry. 97 00:04:54,584 --> 00:04:56,234 I meant to say "women in thongs." 98 00:04:57,796 --> 00:05:00,049 Stop busting Frasier's chops. Enough said? 99 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,009 Well, I could, but see all these lines lit up? 100 00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:04,443 They're all waiting to tell me how funny it was. 101 00:05:05,888 --> 00:05:08,058 Are all these callers waiting to tell Bulldog 102 00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:10,518 how much they like the joke he played on Frasier? 103 00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:13,313 All except the guy on nine. He thinks Bulldog sucks. 104 00:05:13,397 --> 00:05:16,317 -Because of what he did to Frasier? -No, just in general. 105 00:05:18,528 --> 00:05:19,862 So, what do you want me to do? 106 00:05:19,946 --> 00:05:21,615 If you think I'm gonna allow you 107 00:05:21,699 --> 00:05:24,826 to publicly mock one of our most respected hosts on air, 108 00:05:24,910 --> 00:05:29,249 just for the sake of higher ratings, you and I are gonna get along just fine. 109 00:05:36,174 --> 00:05:38,176 [THUNDER RUMBLING] 110 00:05:44,391 --> 00:05:45,392 Come on, Eddie. 111 00:05:45,476 --> 00:05:48,104 You love pâté and this is the good stuff. 112 00:05:51,399 --> 00:05:52,650 Uh-oh. 113 00:05:52,734 --> 00:05:56,034 Two syllables every homeowner loves to hear upon entering the door. 114 00:05:58,908 --> 00:06:00,325 Would that have anything to do with the fact 115 00:06:00,409 --> 00:06:03,705 that you're feeding my imported foie gras to a dog? 116 00:06:03,789 --> 00:06:06,958 I'm sorry, but it calms him during the thunder. 117 00:06:07,042 --> 00:06:10,338 Oh, well, heaven forbid Eddie should ever work a nerve. 118 00:06:12,256 --> 00:06:15,052 When Niles gets here, we'll have sherry and Snausages. 119 00:06:19,973 --> 00:06:22,852 That reminds me, Dr. Crane will be a bit late. 120 00:06:22,936 --> 00:06:26,022 Your father asked him to stop at the vet and pick up some pills for Eddie. 121 00:06:26,106 --> 00:06:27,398 [PHONE RINGS] 122 00:06:27,482 --> 00:06:28,984 I know. He's had a hard day. 123 00:06:29,068 --> 00:06:30,986 How come no one ever brings me tranquilizers? 124 00:06:31,070 --> 00:06:33,072 I've often wondered that myself. 125 00:06:34,658 --> 00:06:35,491 Hello? 126 00:06:35,575 --> 00:06:38,703 [PRETENTIOUS VOICE] Hello, this is Dr. Julius Irving. 127 00:06:38,787 --> 00:06:41,665 I'm calling for Dr. Niles Crane. 128 00:06:41,749 --> 00:06:44,001 His receptionist said he might be there. 129 00:06:44,085 --> 00:06:45,210 I'm sorry. 130 00:06:45,294 --> 00:06:47,671 I am expecting him, if you'd like to leave a message. 131 00:06:47,755 --> 00:06:49,883 Oh, no, no, nothing important. 132 00:06:49,967 --> 00:06:54,262 Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about The Mikado. 133 00:06:54,346 --> 00:06:55,639 Well, perhaps I can help. 134 00:06:55,723 --> 00:06:58,184 I'm Niles' brother, Dr. Frasier Crane, and as luck would have it, 135 00:06:58,268 --> 00:07:01,104 I was in an all-male version of The Mikado at Oxford. 136 00:07:02,773 --> 00:07:04,692 People still ask to see my Yum-Yum. 137 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:11,282 I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three Little Maids"? 138 00:07:11,366 --> 00:07:13,242 Well, let me see. 139 00:07:13,326 --> 00:07:16,289 Of course, my falsetto isn't what it used to be, but… 140 00:07:19,125 --> 00:07:21,675 [FALSETTO] ♪ Three little maids from school are we ♪ 141 00:07:22,588 --> 00:07:24,672 ♪ Pert as a schoolgirl well may be ♪ 142 00:07:24,756 --> 00:07:28,093 ♪ Filled to the brim with girlish glee ♪ 143 00:07:28,177 --> 00:07:31,389 ♪ Three maids in school ♪ 144 00:07:34,684 --> 00:07:37,312 Dad, will you please be quiet? I'm trying to settle a bet here. 145 00:07:37,396 --> 00:07:38,313 You sure are. 146 00:07:38,397 --> 00:07:41,567 Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air. 147 00:07:44,321 --> 00:07:45,822 Sayonara, Doc! 148 00:07:48,534 --> 00:07:50,452 Well, Dad, I'm glad to see that you're amused. 149 00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:53,956 -Have your own son humiliated publicly. -Oh, come on. It's funny. 150 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,625 He makes everybody look stupid. 151 00:07:55,709 --> 00:08:00,213 -The guys in the newsroom, Chopper Dave… -Oh, not exactly a miracle transformation 152 00:08:00,297 --> 00:08:01,966 when it comes to Chopper Dave, 153 00:08:02,050 --> 00:08:04,593 a man whose life work consists of looking down at the freeway 154 00:08:04,677 --> 00:08:06,638 and saying, "Crowded. Not crowded." 155 00:08:07,722 --> 00:08:09,516 -Where are you going? -Back to the station! 156 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,811 Oh, come on, Frasier! Don't take yourself so seriously. 157 00:08:12,895 --> 00:08:15,481 You know, we played jokes like this all the time when I was on the force. 158 00:08:15,565 --> 00:08:19,235 The day they replaced my bulletproof vest with a big lacy bra, 159 00:08:19,319 --> 00:08:20,946 I knew I was one of the guys. 160 00:08:24,283 --> 00:08:27,411 Thank you, Dad. That also clears up a question that's troubled me 161 00:08:27,495 --> 00:08:30,707 for years concerning the night you were shot. 162 00:08:34,503 --> 00:08:35,337 The Salmon? 163 00:08:36,130 --> 00:08:39,884 That's what you wanna name our expansion hockey team? The Seattle Salmon? 164 00:08:41,636 --> 00:08:43,680 Why don't you take your two IQ points, rub them together, 165 00:08:43,764 --> 00:08:45,614 see if you can start a fire? Beat it. 166 00:08:47,017 --> 00:08:48,018 You're in the Doghouse. 167 00:08:48,102 --> 00:08:49,103 MAN 1: Hey, am I on? 168 00:08:49,187 --> 00:08:51,523 Yeah, take as long as you want. Next. 169 00:08:52,357 --> 00:08:54,192 MAN 2: Hey, Bulldog, you're the man. 170 00:08:54,276 --> 00:08:56,278 How about we name them the Bulldogs? 171 00:08:56,362 --> 00:08:57,654 You wanna suck up, send money. 172 00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,073 Wait, wait, wait. I got another one. 173 00:09:00,157 --> 00:09:03,203 -What about the Lizards? -I hate lizards. They're disgusting. 174 00:09:03,287 --> 00:09:06,164 They make my skin crawl. You're an idiot. You don't deserve to live. 175 00:09:06,248 --> 00:09:09,209 -You're the best, Bulldog. -Yeah, shut up. Back in 30. 176 00:09:10,712 --> 00:09:13,380 -I warned you. -Hey, hey, cool your jets. 177 00:09:13,464 --> 00:09:15,090 Kate told me to keep busting you. 178 00:09:15,174 --> 00:09:16,426 Said it's good for ratings. 179 00:09:16,510 --> 00:09:19,510 -You got a beef, take it up with her. -I don't believe you. 180 00:09:19,888 --> 00:09:21,264 Pete, what did Kate say? 181 00:09:21,348 --> 00:09:23,518 -She said you're a pig. -No, before that. 182 00:09:24,811 --> 00:09:26,611 She said to keep ragging on the doc. 183 00:09:30,192 --> 00:09:32,277 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 184 00:09:32,361 --> 00:09:33,570 I wanna talk to Kate now! 185 00:09:33,654 --> 00:09:35,906 -She's not in. -Oh, very clever. 186 00:09:35,990 --> 00:09:38,410 "She's not in." Like that'll make me go away. 187 00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:41,746 She's not in! 188 00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:45,251 Susan, I need a copy of our contract with Nanette Stewart. 189 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,794 What's Yum-Yum doing here? 190 00:09:48,796 --> 00:09:50,007 Never mind. I can guess. 191 00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:52,926 You promised you would put an end to Bulldog's shenanigans 192 00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:54,844 and instead you encouraged him. 193 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,765 But, God, you're canceling Pet Chat With Nanette? 194 00:09:57,849 --> 00:09:59,058 She's been on for six years. 195 00:09:59,142 --> 00:10:02,592 Yeah, but she's been floating at the top of the bowl for the last two. 196 00:10:03,021 --> 00:10:05,440 Look, when I went in to talk to Bulldog, 197 00:10:05,524 --> 00:10:07,317 the phones were lit up like Times Square. 198 00:10:07,401 --> 00:10:08,986 His fans love it when he zaps you. 199 00:10:09,070 --> 00:10:12,156 So you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those hyenas! 200 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:13,950 No, I would have you fight back. 201 00:10:14,034 --> 00:10:16,954 He takes pot shots at you, you come back at him in your droll, 202 00:10:17,038 --> 00:10:19,623 Ivy-League, look-at-me, I've-got-a-thesaurus kind of way. 203 00:10:19,707 --> 00:10:22,085 -It'll be funny. -Funny?! 204 00:10:22,668 --> 00:10:23,921 Funny! 205 00:10:24,546 --> 00:10:26,923 I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with a man 206 00:10:27,007 --> 00:10:30,678 whose favorite T-shirt reads: "Seattle Hooter Inspector." 207 00:10:31,971 --> 00:10:33,556 Afraid of the competition? 208 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:34,932 I am a doctor! 209 00:10:35,016 --> 00:10:38,354 I went… to medical school. 210 00:10:40,314 --> 00:10:43,985 I will not embarrass myself by engaging in a grab for ratings. 211 00:10:44,069 --> 00:10:46,404 You just announced to a half a million listeners 212 00:10:46,488 --> 00:10:48,938 that you are filled to the brim with girlish glee. 213 00:10:49,574 --> 00:10:52,912 I think the HMS Pinafore of embarrassment has sailed. 214 00:10:53,454 --> 00:10:56,416 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to fire someone. 215 00:10:57,501 --> 00:11:00,254 Oh, God, she brought Spanky. 216 00:11:01,755 --> 00:11:03,507 Kate, this is not over. 217 00:11:04,050 --> 00:11:06,677 You know what your problem is? You have no sense of humor. 218 00:11:06,761 --> 00:11:08,888 I am sick and tired of people telling me that. 219 00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:10,306 Well, then lighten up. 220 00:11:11,851 --> 00:11:15,520 I asked the Raiders' defensive line to describe their tackling skills 221 00:11:15,604 --> 00:11:17,189 and here's what they said: 222 00:11:17,273 --> 00:11:19,275 FRASIER [RECORDING]: ♪ Three little maids from school are we ♪ 223 00:11:19,359 --> 00:11:22,320 ♪ Three little maids from school ♪ 224 00:11:28,161 --> 00:11:30,079 -[DOOR OPENS] -NILES: Good evening, Daphne. 225 00:11:30,163 --> 00:11:32,707 Evening, Dr. Crane. Did you bring Eddie's pills? 226 00:11:32,791 --> 00:11:35,252 Yes. And the vet gave very specific instructions. 227 00:11:35,961 --> 00:11:39,340 "Take one tablet per hour or as needed until trembling subsides." 228 00:11:40,592 --> 00:11:42,218 I'm sorry, these are for Maris. 229 00:11:45,139 --> 00:11:46,839 Those are for Eddie. There you go. 230 00:11:47,641 --> 00:11:50,018 I'll just hide it in a bit of food. 231 00:11:50,102 --> 00:11:53,231 That's how Grammy Moon used to get Granddad to take his heart medicine. 232 00:11:53,315 --> 00:11:57,443 Ah, if he had heart problems, why wouldn't he want to take his medicine? 233 00:11:57,527 --> 00:12:00,448 Don't think that nosy coroner didn't ask the same question. 234 00:12:02,325 --> 00:12:03,534 Num-nums, Eddie. 235 00:12:04,118 --> 00:12:06,579 Oh, he's a good boy. 236 00:12:06,663 --> 00:12:10,208 Normally, I don't believe in popping pills for every little upset. 237 00:12:10,292 --> 00:12:14,088 I quite agree. My nerves are bothered by this constant thundering too, 238 00:12:14,172 --> 00:12:16,799 but I would never turn to drugs to calm down. 239 00:12:17,592 --> 00:12:18,969 Oh, Mommy! 240 00:12:21,639 --> 00:12:24,391 Hey, Niles, you're not gonna believe what happened to Frasier. 241 00:12:24,475 --> 00:12:27,186 Oh, I heard the whole thing. 242 00:12:27,270 --> 00:12:29,647 -You listen to Bulldog's program? -Yes, Dad. 243 00:12:29,731 --> 00:12:33,731 I can't sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus. 244 00:12:34,237 --> 00:12:36,197 No, no, no, it was on at the vet's. 245 00:12:38,742 --> 00:12:40,994 You would think that in a city with this much rain 246 00:12:41,078 --> 00:12:44,205 that people would develop an etiquette about it. But no! 247 00:12:44,289 --> 00:12:46,500 They buy umbrellas that are too big, so you have to walk 248 00:12:46,584 --> 00:12:48,210 into the street to get around them. 249 00:12:48,294 --> 00:12:51,630 And then they drive too close to the curb that you're sure to get splashed. 250 00:12:51,714 --> 00:12:54,593 And they wear brown shoes with white socks! 251 00:12:56,887 --> 00:12:59,387 -What has that got to do with the rain? -Nothing! 252 00:12:59,724 --> 00:13:01,724 But I mean, really, get a fashion sense! 253 00:13:04,604 --> 00:13:07,107 I guess things didn't go too well down at the station, huh? 254 00:13:07,191 --> 00:13:08,484 No, they didn't. 255 00:13:08,568 --> 00:13:12,363 Turns out the station manager is encouraging Bulldog's little pranks. 256 00:13:12,447 --> 00:13:15,867 Now she wants me to return his fire on the air. 257 00:13:15,951 --> 00:13:18,453 I thought the idea was absurd at first. 258 00:13:18,537 --> 00:13:21,540 -But now I'm starting to warm to it. -I say, have at him. 259 00:13:21,624 --> 00:13:24,293 He is grossly overmatched, but he did bring this on himself. 260 00:13:24,377 --> 00:13:27,422 You're right, Niles. If I have to fight cheap and dirty, 261 00:13:27,506 --> 00:13:29,966 on his own terms, then I will. 262 00:13:30,050 --> 00:13:31,802 [MOANS] 263 00:13:33,805 --> 00:13:37,058 -And what is that supposed to be? -Well, I don't think it's a good idea. 264 00:13:37,142 --> 00:13:39,854 You know, Bulldog's pretty good at this kind of thing. 265 00:13:40,521 --> 00:13:43,065 -He's a funny guy. -And I'm not funny? 266 00:13:44,108 --> 00:13:45,526 [MOANS] 267 00:13:46,903 --> 00:13:48,530 -I don't believe this. -Well, now, 268 00:13:48,614 --> 00:13:52,033 obviously, Dad's forgetting the time you took the names of our wine club board 269 00:13:52,117 --> 00:13:55,079 and turned them all into wickedly derisive anagrams. 270 00:13:55,163 --> 00:13:56,873 BOTH: Cindy Assbasket! 271 00:14:01,211 --> 00:14:02,754 You see, Dad, I made you laugh. 272 00:14:02,838 --> 00:14:04,465 Nah, I'm looking at Eddie. 273 00:14:07,260 --> 00:14:09,596 I guess he won't be needing a second pill. 274 00:14:11,514 --> 00:14:13,350 No, no, Frasier, don't get me wrong. 275 00:14:13,434 --> 00:14:14,851 I think you're witty. 276 00:14:14,935 --> 00:14:17,396 You're clever, but funny's different. 277 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:20,024 Funny's somebody who makes you laugh with your belly. 278 00:14:20,108 --> 00:14:21,859 Now Bulldog's funny. 279 00:14:21,943 --> 00:14:24,404 Duke's cousin Louie, now he's really funny. 280 00:14:24,488 --> 00:14:27,075 He's like Jackie Gleason, only loud. 281 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,652 He makes you laugh so hard, the beer comes out of your nose. 282 00:14:34,792 --> 00:14:38,045 You know what feels good through the nose? A warm cup of cocoa. 283 00:14:42,759 --> 00:14:45,053 I just may go home for Christmas this year. 284 00:14:45,887 --> 00:14:49,641 You know, just because I haven't caused anyone to blow beer 285 00:14:49,725 --> 00:14:53,396 through their nostrils, it doesn't mean that I can't. 286 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,607 Anyone who can compose a clever barb 287 00:14:55,691 --> 00:14:58,943 can certainly master the intricacies of the whoopee cushion. 288 00:14:59,027 --> 00:15:02,114 Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that. It's a lot harder than you think. 289 00:15:02,198 --> 00:15:04,575 All right, you just tune into Bulldog's show tomorrow, 290 00:15:04,659 --> 00:15:08,038 pop open a beer, and prepare for a Budweiser geyser! 291 00:15:10,666 --> 00:15:13,461 You know, Frasier, if you're serious about that whoopee cushion, 292 00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:15,087 I happen to have one at the house. 293 00:15:15,171 --> 00:15:19,175 Last year, a disgruntled servant left one on Maris's dining room chair. 294 00:15:19,259 --> 00:15:21,428 Fortunately for all of us, embarrassment was averted 295 00:15:21,512 --> 00:15:24,515 when my little fawn proved too light to activate it. 296 00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:33,024 BULLDOG: Well, it's 6:30, sports fans. 297 00:15:33,108 --> 00:15:35,027 That means it's time for… 298 00:15:35,111 --> 00:15:37,113 [FANFARE PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] 299 00:15:38,406 --> 00:15:40,784 …our big Seahawks tickets giveaway. 300 00:15:40,868 --> 00:15:44,496 Yes, my curvaceous and bodacious assistant Darlene 301 00:15:44,580 --> 00:15:47,876 is rolling in our glittering, giant prize drum right now. 302 00:15:48,752 --> 00:15:52,046 Okay, Darlene, give it a good crank. 303 00:15:52,130 --> 00:15:53,966 Whoa! Honey, I meant the drum! 304 00:15:55,426 --> 00:15:57,219 All right, here it comes, Roz. 305 00:15:57,303 --> 00:15:59,263 Hilarity ensues. 306 00:15:59,847 --> 00:16:01,849 Okay, explain this to me one more time. 307 00:16:01,933 --> 00:16:04,060 You're the one who's trying to prove to everyone you're so funny. 308 00:16:04,144 --> 00:16:07,021 So why am I the one that had to put the lizard in the box? 309 00:16:07,105 --> 00:16:09,984 It was just as difficult to be the lookout! Stop whining! 310 00:16:10,485 --> 00:16:11,568 Hey, look who's here. 311 00:16:11,652 --> 00:16:15,365 It's our new boss lady, KACL's own Kate Costas. 312 00:16:15,449 --> 00:16:18,993 -Kate's there? Oh, Frasier, Kate's there! -No, it's even better, even better. 313 00:16:19,077 --> 00:16:21,914 Then she will be an eyewitness to my little jape. 314 00:16:21,998 --> 00:16:23,374 Come on in, Kate. 315 00:16:24,709 --> 00:16:27,963 Yeah, here we go. Glad you dropped in. 316 00:16:29,006 --> 00:16:30,174 Hello, Bulldog. 317 00:16:30,883 --> 00:16:31,884 Hi, Darlene. 318 00:16:33,594 --> 00:16:35,972 Wow, look at that mighty drum. 319 00:16:37,307 --> 00:16:38,891 Yeah, give it a good spin. 320 00:16:38,975 --> 00:16:41,437 Look at those cards going round and round. 321 00:16:41,521 --> 00:16:45,983 Okay, Seattle and the winner is… 322 00:16:46,067 --> 00:16:48,195 Hey, Kate, why don't you pick it? 323 00:16:49,154 --> 00:16:50,196 KATE: Okay. 324 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:51,865 And the lucky winner is… 325 00:16:53,283 --> 00:16:54,284 Ow! 326 00:16:55,119 --> 00:16:57,789 -Something bit me! -Oh, my God! It's a lizard! 327 00:16:59,541 --> 00:17:01,543 -Really, it got your fingertip! -Oh, God! 328 00:17:01,627 --> 00:17:03,587 -All right, I'll get some ice! -There it goes! 329 00:17:03,671 --> 00:17:05,130 There it goes! There it goes! 330 00:17:05,214 --> 00:17:07,800 Stop that lizard! It has my finger! 331 00:17:14,725 --> 00:17:16,268 Roz, any news? 332 00:17:16,352 --> 00:17:18,270 Oh, yeah, they sewed her fingertip back on. 333 00:17:18,354 --> 00:17:19,730 She's gonna be fine. 334 00:17:19,814 --> 00:17:22,108 Frasier, would you wipe that guilty look off your face? 335 00:17:22,192 --> 00:17:23,651 -What? -No one even suspects you. 336 00:17:23,735 --> 00:17:25,987 -Why not? -Because you made such a big deal 337 00:17:26,071 --> 00:17:28,115 about how playing pranks was beneath you. 338 00:17:28,199 --> 00:17:30,159 Well, they're not only beneath me, they're beyond me. 339 00:17:30,243 --> 00:17:35,165 I'm going to accept my limitations and be satisfied to merely be witty and urbane. 340 00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:39,837 Even my most barbed comments never drew blood. 341 00:17:40,588 --> 00:17:42,840 -Oh, God, I feel sick. -You do? 342 00:17:42,924 --> 00:17:44,592 When the lizard threw up the fingertip, 343 00:17:44,676 --> 00:17:47,136 who had to pack it in frozen yogurt and rush it down here? 344 00:17:47,220 --> 00:17:48,054 God. 345 00:17:48,723 --> 00:17:50,390 -I'm gonna tell her the truth. -What? 346 00:17:50,474 --> 00:17:52,976 -Are you insane? -Roz, I've got to unburden myself. 347 00:17:53,060 --> 00:17:55,647 Frasier, you didn't start this. 348 00:17:55,731 --> 00:17:57,106 You are the victim here. 349 00:17:57,190 --> 00:18:00,068 Why should you have to suffer any more than you already have? 350 00:18:00,152 --> 00:18:03,002 -I'll keep your name out of it. -Fine. Do what you want. 351 00:18:05,241 --> 00:18:06,992 I don't know when I'll be back in the office, Susan. 352 00:18:07,076 --> 00:18:09,079 Just cancel all my appointments. 353 00:18:10,247 --> 00:18:12,666 Is there any word on who pulled this stupid stunt? 354 00:18:12,750 --> 00:18:15,044 I don't want excuses! I want names! 355 00:18:16,421 --> 00:18:19,090 Can you hurry up that shot? I'm in agony here. 356 00:18:19,174 --> 00:18:22,219 Kate, I see that your strength is back. 357 00:18:22,762 --> 00:18:24,096 Brought some flowers. 358 00:18:24,847 --> 00:18:27,558 What kind of raving psychotic would do a thing like this? 359 00:18:27,642 --> 00:18:31,938 Oh, you know, people use that word psychotic an awful lot these days. 360 00:18:32,022 --> 00:18:35,025 A kid steals a candy bar. Suddenly he's a psychotic. 361 00:18:36,444 --> 00:18:40,323 I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna crush him. 362 00:18:41,157 --> 00:18:44,057 Are you sure that's enough? Now make sure that all goes in. 363 00:18:46,205 --> 00:18:47,655 Call me if you need anything. 364 00:18:51,586 --> 00:18:56,133 [STAMMERING] Well, Kate, I came here for a reason. 365 00:18:56,217 --> 00:18:57,342 Oh, let me guess. 366 00:18:57,426 --> 00:18:59,011 Someone parked in your space? 367 00:18:59,637 --> 00:19:03,642 No, but if someone had, I would have forgiven him. 368 00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:06,895 Just as I'm sure you will forgive… 369 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:07,854 Who? 370 00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:12,318 Well, I'm sure that the poor, misguided prankster 371 00:19:12,402 --> 00:19:16,573 that perpetrated this evil deed really had no ill-will in mind. 372 00:19:16,657 --> 00:19:19,743 It wasn't his or her intention to… [GASPS] 373 00:19:19,827 --> 00:19:25,000 You know, that Nanette from Pet Chat! 374 00:19:26,584 --> 00:19:28,086 She had a real ax to grind. 375 00:19:29,797 --> 00:19:31,090 -What? -What? 376 00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:33,926 -You giggled. -Oh. 377 00:19:35,302 --> 00:19:36,471 It's kind of funny. 378 00:19:37,180 --> 00:19:38,181 -What? -What? 379 00:19:40,434 --> 00:19:41,560 What's funny? 380 00:19:42,185 --> 00:19:44,355 Oh, I was just remembering. 381 00:19:45,523 --> 00:19:46,649 -What? -What? 382 00:19:48,609 --> 00:19:51,196 Oh. Oh, the shot's kicking in, isn't it? 383 00:19:51,947 --> 00:19:54,240 Wouldn't you know he'd bite my middle finger. 384 00:19:54,324 --> 00:19:55,868 How am I supposed to drive? 385 00:20:00,832 --> 00:20:02,458 You know, Kate, maybe now 386 00:20:02,542 --> 00:20:06,588 -would be a good time to tell you… -You know, you know, life is so funny. 387 00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:09,341 One minute you're standing in a hallway, 388 00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:12,679 the next minute you're a pupu platter for a lizard. 389 00:20:14,598 --> 00:20:16,349 That's a funny word, isn't it? 390 00:20:17,101 --> 00:20:17,935 Hallway. 391 00:20:20,730 --> 00:20:23,880 -You wanna hear something really funny? -And Bulldog looked… 392 00:20:25,527 --> 00:20:26,612 Bulldog looked… 393 00:20:28,906 --> 00:20:31,283 Oh, see, now you're starting to get tired. 394 00:20:31,367 --> 00:20:32,368 I should go. 395 00:20:36,791 --> 00:20:39,626 Kate, Kate, before you go to sleep, 396 00:20:39,710 --> 00:20:43,130 there's just one last funny thing I want to tell you. 397 00:20:43,757 --> 00:20:44,758 Okay. 398 00:20:47,469 --> 00:20:49,137 I put the lizard in the box. 399 00:20:49,763 --> 00:20:50,973 Okay. 400 00:21:02,861 --> 00:21:06,533 Oh, God, it's alive! 401 00:21:08,201 --> 00:21:09,952 You what? 402 00:21:10,036 --> 00:21:11,872 Well, it was meant for Bulldog. 403 00:21:11,956 --> 00:21:14,375 It was all an accident. I never intended to… 404 00:21:18,588 --> 00:21:19,422 Kate? 405 00:21:22,884 --> 00:21:23,718 Kate? 406 00:21:27,181 --> 00:21:29,183 [FRASIER SCREAMING] 407 00:21:33,188 --> 00:21:34,272 [THEME SONG PLAYING] 408 00:21:34,356 --> 00:21:36,316 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪ 409 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,320 ♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 410 00:21:40,071 --> 00:21:41,238 Mercy. 411 00:21:41,322 --> 00:21:43,574 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪ 412 00:21:43,658 --> 00:21:46,161 ♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪ 413 00:21:46,245 --> 00:21:48,288 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 414 00:21:48,372 --> 00:21:50,332 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 415 00:21:50,416 --> 00:21:53,461 ♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 416 00:21:54,504 --> 00:21:55,755 ♪ They're callin' again ♪ 417 00:21:56,756 --> 00:21:59,719 Frasier has left the building.