[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-Hello, Niles. -Frasier, quick,
-give me your museum membership card. -What for?
I just heard, tickets go on sale today
for the exhibit of 14th-century Japanese Nitsuki figurines.
-Then the rumors were true. -Yes, yes.
Hurry, I wanna get there before the line forms.
Five seconds.
Oh, just give me a minute, Niles. Sit tight.
And we're back.
Before we take our last call, I'd like to remind you
that Mercy Hospital will be conducting free blood pressure testing this Saturday
on Whidbey Island.
Hypertension leads to stroke, heart disease and other maladies.
So we should all be on the lookout for symptoms like shortness of breath,
quickening of pulse, irritability…
Oh, will you just shove the damn thing in your mouth!
So let's all join together to help defeat this silent killer.
Roz, who's on the line?
On line four we have Mac, who's recently moved here
from Australia and he's having a problem with a co-worker.
Hello, Mac. Welcome to Seattle.
I'm listening.
MAC: Well, mate, it's like the sheila said.
I'm working with a real yobbo.
He goes on and on about things nobody gives a billabong about,
just to show off how smart he is.
Well, you have my sympathy.
There is nothing more irritating than pointless and pretentious erudition.
My advice to you is to simply avoid him. Is that possible?
Not really, you bloody wallaby.
You're on right before me!
Stay tuned for the Bulldog! [BARKS]
[LINE CLICKS]
Well, that's one on me.
Or rather one on me and my call screener, Roz,
whose ancestors were once heard remarking:
"Oh, what a nice wooden horse. Of course, I'll sign for it."
This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.
[DOOR OPENS]
Gotcha!
How many times have I asked you to desist with your adolescent antics?
-Oh, get a sense of humor. -Look, I mean it.
-I will go over your head. -Oh, stop it! You're scaring me!
Listen, you sleazy, little Lyme tick, you do that one more time
and I'll cut you off, and I don't mean mid-sentence.
Stop it. You're scaring me.
Do you believe the sophomoric hi-jinks I have to put with?
No. Who would've thought it from a station
whose current motto is, "Yakkety-yak, we talk back."
Yeah. Oh, run along, Niles.
Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Miss Costas, I'd like you to meet my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
-How do you do? -Enchanté.
I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm off to get tickets for Frasier and me
to the Japanese Nitsuki exhibit.
You'll love it. I saw it in Kyoto.
It's just such a shame they're not letting the really rare pieces out of the country.
Oh.
As my Japanese gardener says:
[SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]
Watch your mouth.
Oh, you speak Japanese. Well…
I'll just retreat now, so that I can be one with my humiliation.
-Uh, Kate, could I have a word with you? -I'm in kind of a hurry.
Yes, well, this'll just take a moment.
I seriously doubt that. But go ahead.
Yes, well, I've tried to deal with this problem on my own,
but Bulldog insists on interrupting my show with his foolish pranks.
-Yeah, I heard. -I did not spend eight grueling years
at Harvard to be mocked by that juvenile jackass.
-Shameless. -Oh, he's beyond shameless.
I'm talking about the way you manage to get Harvard into every conversation.
I'm sure you'll mention your alma mater too someday when it's accredited.
Gee, you sure know how to ask for help.
-Oh, I'm sorry. I am sorry. -All right, all right!
I'll take care of it.
-Just make sure that he understands… -You went to Harvard. I know.
I'll tell him.
MAN: Hey, the key to this game is the Huskies' secondary.
Jack, how can I put this to you delicately?
You're a moron!
Shut up!
You don't know squat.
You know less than squat. You and squat could go to the movies,
and squat could wear an "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt.
You're awesome, Bulldog.
Hey, way to nail that blowhard Dr. Crane. You are the greatest!
Yeah, whatever. Shut up.
Now, look,
all you guys sending in these postcards to win tickets to the Seahawks game,
do I need another picture of the Space Needle?
Chicks in thongs.
Enough said?
We'll be back right after this.
Um, hey, what I just said. I'm sorry.
I meant to say "women in thongs."
Stop busting Frasier's chops. Enough said?
Well, I could, but see all these lines lit up?
They're all waiting to tell me how funny it was.
Are all these callers waiting to tell Bulldog
how much they like the joke he played on Frasier?
All except the guy on nine. He thinks Bulldog sucks.
-Because of what he did to Frasier? -No, just in general.
So, what do you want me to do?
If you think I'm gonna allow you
to publicly mock one of our most respected hosts on air,
just for the sake of higher ratings, you and I are gonna get along just fine.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Come on, Eddie.
You love pâté and this is the good stuff.
Uh-oh.
Two syllables every homeowner loves to hear upon entering the door.
Would that have anything to do with the fact
that you're feeding my imported foie gras to a dog?
I'm sorry, but it calms him during the thunder.
Oh, well, heaven forbid Eddie should ever work a nerve.
When Niles gets here, we'll have sherry and Snausages.
That reminds me, Dr. Crane will be a bit late.
Your father asked him to stop at the vet and pick up some pills for Eddie.
[PHONE RINGS]
I know. He's had a hard day.
How come no one ever brings me tranquilizers?
I've often wondered that myself.
Hello?
[PRETENTIOUS VOICE] Hello, this is Dr. Julius Irving.
I'm calling for Dr. Niles Crane.
His receptionist said he might be there.
I'm sorry.
I am expecting him, if you'd like to leave a message.
Oh, no, no, nothing important.
Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about The Mikado.
Well, perhaps I can help.
I'm Niles' brother, Dr. Frasier Crane, and as luck would have it,
I was in an all-male version of The Mikado at Oxford.
People still ask to see my Yum-Yum.
I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three Little Maids"?
Well, let me see.
Of course, my falsetto isn't what it used to be, but…
[FALSETTO] ♪ Three little maids from school are we ♪
♪ Pert as a schoolgirl well may be ♪
♪ Filled to the brim with girlish glee ♪
♪ Three maids in school ♪
Dad, will you please be quiet? I'm trying to settle a bet here.
You sure are.
Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air.
Sayonara, Doc!
Well, Dad, I'm glad to see that you're amused.
-Have your own son humiliated publicly. -Oh, come on. It's funny.
He makes everybody look stupid.
-The guys in the newsroom, Chopper Dave… -Oh, not exactly a miracle transformation
when it comes to Chopper Dave,
a man whose life work consists of looking down at the freeway
and saying, "Crowded. Not crowded."
-Where are you going? -Back to the station!
Oh, come on, Frasier! Don't take yourself so seriously.
You know, we played jokes like this all the time when I was on the force.
The day they replaced my bulletproof vest with a big lacy bra,
I knew I was one of the guys.
Thank you, Dad. That also clears up a question that's troubled me
for years concerning the night you were shot.
The Salmon?
That's what you wanna name our expansion hockey team? The Seattle Salmon?
Why don't you take your two IQ points, rub them together,
see if you can start a fire? Beat it.
You're in the Doghouse.
MAN 1: Hey, am I on?
Yeah, take as long as you want. Next.
MAN 2: Hey, Bulldog, you're the man.
How about we name them the Bulldogs?
You wanna suck up, send money.
Wait, wait, wait. I got another one.
-What about the Lizards? -I hate lizards. They're disgusting.
They make my skin crawl. You're an idiot. You don't deserve to live.
-You're the best, Bulldog. -Yeah, shut up. Back in 30.
-I warned you. -Hey, hey, cool your jets.
Kate told me to keep busting you.
Said it's good for ratings.
-You got a beef, take it up with her. -I don't believe you.
Pete, what did Kate say?
-She said you're a pig. -No, before that.
She said to keep ragging on the doc.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I wanna talk to Kate now!
-She's not in. -Oh, very clever.
"She's not in." Like that'll make me go away.
She's not in!
Susan, I need a copy of our contract with Nanette Stewart.
What's Yum-Yum doing here?
Never mind. I can guess.
You promised you would put an end to Bulldog's shenanigans
and instead you encouraged him.
But, God, you're canceling Pet Chat With Nanette?
She's been on for six years.
Yeah, but she's been floating at the top of the bowl for the last two.
Look, when I went in to talk to Bulldog,
the phones were lit up like Times Square.
His fans love it when he zaps you.
So you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those hyenas!
No, I would have you fight back.
He takes pot shots at you, you come back at him in your droll,
Ivy-League, look-at-me, I've-got-a-thesaurus kind of way.
-It'll be funny. -Funny?!
Funny!
I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with a man
whose favorite T-shirt reads: "Seattle Hooter Inspector."
Afraid of the competition?
I am a doctor!
I went… to medical school.
I will not embarrass myself by engaging in a grab for ratings.
You just announced to a half a million listeners
that you are filled to the brim with girlish glee.
I think the HMS Pinafore of embarrassment has sailed.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to fire someone.
Oh, God, she brought Spanky.
Kate, this is not over.
You know what your problem is? You have no sense of humor.
I am sick and tired of people telling me that.
Well, then lighten up.
I asked the Raiders' defensive line to describe their tackling skills
and here's what they said:
FRASIER [RECORDING]: ♪ Three little maids from school are we ♪
♪ Three little maids from school ♪
-[DOOR OPENS] -NILES: Good evening, Daphne.
Evening, Dr. Crane. Did you bring Eddie's pills?
Yes. And the vet gave very specific instructions.
"Take one tablet per hour or as needed until trembling subsides."
I'm sorry, these are for Maris.
Those are for Eddie. There you go.
I'll just hide it in a bit of food.
That's how Grammy Moon used to get Granddad to take his heart medicine.
Ah, if he had heart problems, why wouldn't he want to take his medicine?
Don't think that nosy coroner didn't ask the same question.
Num-nums, Eddie.
Oh, he's a good boy.
Normally, I don't believe in popping pills for every little upset.
I quite agree. My nerves are bothered by this constant thundering too,
but I would never turn to drugs to calm down.
Oh, Mommy!
Hey, Niles, you're not gonna believe what happened to Frasier.
Oh, I heard the whole thing.
-You listen to Bulldog's program? -Yes, Dad.
I can't sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus.
No, no, no, it was on at the vet's.
You would think that in a city with this much rain
that people would develop an etiquette about it. But no!
They buy umbrellas that are too big, so you have to walk
into the street to get around them.
And then they drive too close to the curb that you're sure to get splashed.
And they wear brown shoes with white socks!
-What has that got to do with the rain? -Nothing!
But I mean, really, get a fashion sense!
I guess things didn't go too well down at the station, huh?
No, they didn't.
Turns out the station manager is encouraging Bulldog's little pranks.
Now she wants me to return his fire on the air.
I thought the idea was absurd at first.
-But now I'm starting to warm to it. -I say, have at him.
He is grossly overmatched, but he did bring this on himself.
You're right, Niles. If I have to fight cheap and dirty,
on his own terms, then I will.
[MOANS]
-And what is that supposed to be? -Well, I don't think it's a good idea.
You know, Bulldog's pretty good at this kind of thing.
-He's a funny guy. -And I'm not funny?
[MOANS]
-I don't believe this. -Well, now,
obviously, Dad's forgetting the time you took the names of our wine club board
and turned them all into wickedly derisive anagrams.
BOTH: Cindy Assbasket!
You see, Dad, I made you laugh.
Nah, I'm looking at Eddie.
I guess he won't be needing a second pill.
No, no, Frasier, don't get me wrong.
I think you're witty.
You're clever, but funny's different.
Funny's somebody who makes you laugh with your belly.
Now Bulldog's funny.
Duke's cousin Louie, now he's really funny.
He's like Jackie Gleason, only loud.
He makes you laugh so hard, the beer comes out of your nose.
You know what feels good through the nose? A warm cup of cocoa.
I just may go home for Christmas this year.
You know, just because I haven't caused anyone to blow beer
through their nostrils, it doesn't mean that I can't.
Anyone who can compose a clever barb
can certainly master the intricacies of the whoopee cushion.
Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that. It's a lot harder than you think.
All right, you just tune into Bulldog's show tomorrow,
pop open a beer, and prepare for a Budweiser geyser!
You know, Frasier, if you're serious about that whoopee cushion,
I happen to have one at the house.
Last year, a disgruntled servant left one on Maris's dining room chair.
Fortunately for all of us, embarrassment was averted
when my little fawn proved too light to activate it.
BULLDOG: Well, it's 6:30, sports fans.
That means it's time for…
[FANFARE PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
…our big Seahawks tickets giveaway.
Yes, my curvaceous and bodacious assistant Darlene
is rolling in our glittering, giant prize drum right now.
Okay, Darlene, give it a good crank.
Whoa! Honey, I meant the drum!
All right, here it comes, Roz.
Hilarity ensues.
Okay, explain this to me one more time.
You're the one who's trying to prove to everyone you're so funny.
So why am I the one that had to put the lizard in the box?
It was just as difficult to be the lookout! Stop whining!
Hey, look who's here.
It's our new boss lady, KACL's own Kate Costas.
-Kate's there? Oh, Frasier, Kate's there! -No, it's even better, even better.
Then she will be an eyewitness to my little jape.
Come on in, Kate.
Yeah, here we go. Glad you dropped in.
Hello, Bulldog.
Hi, Darlene.
Wow, look at that mighty drum.
Yeah, give it a good spin.
Look at those cards going round and round.
Okay, Seattle and the winner is…
Hey, Kate, why don't you pick it?
KATE: Okay.
And the lucky winner is…
Ow!
-Something bit me! -Oh, my God! It's a lizard!
-Really, it got your fingertip! -Oh, God!
-All right, I'll get some ice! -There it goes!
There it goes! There it goes!
Stop that lizard! It has my finger!
Roz, any news?
Oh, yeah, they sewed her fingertip back on.
She's gonna be fine.
Frasier, would you wipe that guilty look off your face?
-What? -No one even suspects you.
-Why not? -Because you made such a big deal
about how playing pranks was beneath you.
Well, they're not only beneath me, they're beyond me.
I'm going to accept my limitations and be satisfied to merely be witty and urbane.
Even my most barbed comments never drew blood.
-Oh, God, I feel sick. -You do?
When the lizard threw up the fingertip,
who had to pack it in frozen yogurt and rush it down here?
God.
-I'm gonna tell her the truth. -What?
-Are you insane? -Roz, I've got to unburden myself.
Frasier, you didn't start this.
You are the victim here.
Why should you have to suffer any more than you already have?
-I'll keep your name out of it. -Fine. Do what you want.
I don't know when I'll be back in the office, Susan.
Just cancel all my appointments.
Is there any word on who pulled this stupid stunt?
I don't want excuses! I want names!
Can you hurry up that shot? I'm in agony here.
Kate, I see that your strength is back.
Brought some flowers.
What kind of raving psychotic would do a thing like this?
Oh, you know, people use that word psychotic an awful lot these days.
A kid steals a candy bar. Suddenly he's a psychotic.
I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna crush him.
Are you sure that's enough? Now make sure that all goes in.
Call me if you need anything.
[STAMMERING] Well, Kate, I came here for a reason.
Oh, let me guess.
Someone parked in your space?
No, but if someone had, I would have forgiven him.
Just as I'm sure you will forgive…
Who?
Well, I'm sure that the poor, misguided prankster
that perpetrated this evil deed really had no ill-will in mind.
It wasn't his or her intention to… [GASPS]
You know, that Nanette from Pet Chat!
She had a real ax to grind.
-What? -What?
-You giggled. -Oh.
It's kind of funny.
-What? -What?
What's funny?
Oh, I was just remembering.
-What? -What?
Oh. Oh, the shot's kicking in, isn't it?
Wouldn't you know he'd bite my middle finger.
How am I supposed to drive?
You know, Kate, maybe now
-would be a good time to tell you… -You know, you know, life is so funny.
One minute you're standing in a hallway,
the next minute you're a pupu platter for a lizard.
That's a funny word, isn't it?
Hallway.
-You wanna hear something really funny? -And Bulldog looked…
Bulldog looked…
Oh, see, now you're starting to get tired.
I should go.
Kate, Kate, before you go to sleep,
there's just one last funny thing I want to tell you.
Okay.
I put the lizard in the box.
Okay.
Oh, God, it's alive!
You what?
Well, it was meant for Bulldog.
It was all an accident. I never intended to…
Kate?
[FRASIER SCREAMING]
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Frasier has left the building.