1 00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:04,242 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:10,123 --> 00:00:14,586 You try and try, but at some point, you finally have to admit, 3 00:00:14,670 --> 00:00:18,464 as much as you care about each other, your relationship isn't working 4 00:00:18,548 --> 00:00:20,467 and hasn't been for some time. 5 00:00:21,802 --> 00:00:23,761 But you two wouldn't be sitting here with me 6 00:00:23,845 --> 00:00:26,098 if you didn't want to save this relationship. 7 00:00:27,265 --> 00:00:28,308 Isn't that true? 8 00:00:28,392 --> 00:00:30,727 NILES: Well, I'm willing to try. 9 00:00:30,811 --> 00:00:34,564 -I can't speak for… -You don't have to speak for me, Niles. 10 00:00:36,358 --> 00:00:38,944 I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself. 11 00:00:39,653 --> 00:00:40,737 Yes, I know. 12 00:00:40,821 --> 00:00:43,197 Caruso wasn't so in love with the sound of his own voice. 13 00:00:43,281 --> 00:00:45,450 What does that mean? 14 00:00:45,534 --> 00:00:47,327 You tell me, Enrico. What do you think it means? 15 00:00:47,411 --> 00:00:49,996 -I guess I can tell you what it means. -I'm so sick of your arias… 16 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,040 THERAPIST: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! 17 00:00:52,124 --> 00:00:58,213 Now, are we agreed that we want to do something to fix this problem? 18 00:01:00,048 --> 00:01:02,718 -Well, if it's fixable, I suppose. -Possibly. 19 00:01:02,802 --> 00:01:03,636 -All right. -Yes. 20 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:06,097 Why doesn't one of you tell me how this started? 21 00:01:06,723 --> 00:01:08,516 FRASIER: Well, it began with me. 22 00:01:09,100 --> 00:01:12,895 It was last week. I was at work, doing my radio show. 23 00:01:12,979 --> 00:01:15,773 I was on the air with a troubled young woman. 24 00:01:16,482 --> 00:01:19,360 She had just started telling me about a recurring dream 25 00:01:19,444 --> 00:01:20,862 she'd had since childhood. 26 00:01:21,821 --> 00:01:23,405 WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Okay, I'm in my bedroom. 27 00:01:23,489 --> 00:01:26,116 I've just gotten out of the bathtub to get dressed. 28 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:29,995 When I open the closet, all my clothes are gone. 29 00:01:30,079 --> 00:01:33,582 Suddenly I hear the sound of footsteps on the dry leaves outside. 30 00:01:33,666 --> 00:01:35,876 I turn, and there's a little girl 31 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:38,170 with her nose pressed up against the window. 32 00:01:38,254 --> 00:01:39,380 Fascinating. 33 00:01:39,464 --> 00:01:43,258 But her breath is fogging up the glass so that I can't make out her face. 34 00:01:43,342 --> 00:01:46,512 Only I'm sure she's come to tell me something important. 35 00:01:47,805 --> 00:01:48,848 So a girl… 36 00:01:51,142 --> 00:01:54,145 On the other side of the glass with an urgent message… 37 00:01:56,439 --> 00:01:59,483 But for some reason you're unable or unwilling to receive it. 38 00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:00,734 I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, 39 00:02:00,818 --> 00:02:03,320 I hate to interrupt, but you're all out of time for today. 40 00:02:03,404 --> 00:02:04,738 Oh, dear. Um… 41 00:02:04,822 --> 00:02:06,907 Listen, Jill, I'm terribly sorry, 42 00:02:06,991 --> 00:02:09,702 but, listen, I'd like to continue talking with you when we're off the air, 43 00:02:09,786 --> 00:02:10,828 so don't hang up. 44 00:02:10,912 --> 00:02:13,622 Meantime, listeners, I've enjoyed our time today. 45 00:02:13,706 --> 00:02:16,458 Tune in again tomorrow, when we'll be talking with… 46 00:02:16,542 --> 00:02:19,253 Blah, blah, Frasier Crane Show, happy health, goodbye. 47 00:02:23,674 --> 00:02:26,051 Yo, Jill, you a football fan? 48 00:02:26,135 --> 00:02:27,535 -Not really. -Then beat it. 49 00:02:30,556 --> 00:02:32,975 All right, let's talk women's golf. Not! 50 00:02:33,643 --> 00:02:35,144 Sometimes I hate this job. 51 00:02:35,228 --> 00:02:39,148 Not only do I have to put up with that annoying little sweat sock, 52 00:02:39,232 --> 00:02:41,608 but when a caller comes in who has a truly fascinating problem, 53 00:02:41,692 --> 00:02:43,152 I'm barely able to scratch the surface. 54 00:02:43,236 --> 00:02:45,446 It makes me wanna run screaming back to private practice. 55 00:02:45,530 --> 00:02:47,990 I can imagine how frustrated you must be. 56 00:02:48,074 --> 00:02:51,285 This show's gotta be constraining for a man of your staggering intellect. 57 00:02:51,369 --> 00:02:52,870 NILES: Hold it. Stop. Wait a minute. 58 00:02:52,954 --> 00:02:57,542 You expect us to believe that Roz actually used a phrase like "staggering intellect"? 59 00:02:59,877 --> 00:03:01,336 It was something like that. 60 00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:03,922 So she might have said "your boundless brilliance," 61 00:03:04,006 --> 00:03:06,842 or "the Olympian reaches of your wisdom." 62 00:03:06,926 --> 00:03:09,053 -Oh, Niles, do shut up. -Oh, you shut up. 63 00:03:09,137 --> 00:03:11,139 -No, you should shut up. -You always tell me to shut up. 64 00:03:11,223 --> 00:03:13,850 -It's time you shut up for once. -I think it's time you shut up. 65 00:03:13,934 --> 00:03:15,810 -Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. -The way you go on… 66 00:03:15,894 --> 00:03:16,937 Oh, just shut up. 67 00:03:19,273 --> 00:03:20,523 [CRANES ARGUING INDISTINCTLY] 68 00:03:20,607 --> 00:03:25,028 Gentlemen, it's not important exactly what was said. 69 00:03:25,112 --> 00:03:30,283 No, what is important is that, as usual, he assumes it all revolves around him, 70 00:03:30,367 --> 00:03:33,467 when the truth is it started several days before that, with me. 71 00:03:33,871 --> 00:03:37,207 I'd been having some trouble with the psychiatrist in the office next door. 72 00:03:37,291 --> 00:03:40,835 His unconventional therapy had started to intrude upon my sessions. 73 00:03:40,919 --> 00:03:43,797 Mrs. Kelly, the key here is that you trust me. 74 00:03:44,381 --> 00:03:48,009 As long as you're in this office, you have no reason to feel anything but safe. 75 00:03:48,093 --> 00:03:49,636 [WOMAN SCREAMS FROM NEXT ROOM] 76 00:03:53,849 --> 00:03:58,102 You must… You must think of this as your refuge, your sanctuary. 77 00:03:58,186 --> 00:03:59,688 [MAN SCREAMS FROM NEXT ROOM] 78 00:04:05,068 --> 00:04:08,029 I'm not saying that being the sole survivor of a plane crash 79 00:04:08,113 --> 00:04:09,823 wasn't a traumatizing experience. 80 00:04:12,409 --> 00:04:15,995 But I can get you to a point where the memories no longer haunt you. 81 00:04:16,079 --> 00:04:18,081 [MAN, WOMAN SCREAMING] 82 00:04:22,461 --> 00:04:25,338 NILES: His primal-scream madness was ruining my practice. 83 00:04:25,422 --> 00:04:26,673 I had to do something. 84 00:04:26,757 --> 00:04:28,967 The opportunity presented itself that Friday. 85 00:04:29,468 --> 00:04:31,177 I'd come to Frasier's for dinner. 86 00:04:31,261 --> 00:04:33,805 I remember Daphne, my father's health-care worker, 87 00:04:33,889 --> 00:04:36,057 was telling the most delightful story. 88 00:04:36,141 --> 00:04:39,143 Oh, I know what you're going through dealing with a noisy neighbor. 89 00:04:39,227 --> 00:04:42,021 Have I ever mentioned that couple that lived next door to me in London? 90 00:04:42,105 --> 00:04:46,776 A married couple who made the most ungodly racket. In bed. 91 00:04:46,860 --> 00:04:48,528 The walls must have been like tissue paper, 92 00:04:48,612 --> 00:04:51,531 because I'd hear the whole performance every night. 93 00:04:52,074 --> 00:04:54,701 Finally, I decided the only way to get them to stop 94 00:04:54,785 --> 00:04:56,911 was to let them hear what I'd been hearing. 95 00:04:56,995 --> 00:05:00,165 So one night I moved near the wall, and I started… 96 00:05:00,666 --> 00:05:02,751 [MOANING] 97 00:05:03,460 --> 00:05:04,711 Oh, yes. 98 00:05:04,795 --> 00:05:07,505 [MOANING] Oh, don't stop. 99 00:05:07,589 --> 00:05:11,718 [MOANING] Oh, that's the spot. Oh, do it again! 100 00:05:11,802 --> 00:05:14,388 Oh, you are the beastmaster. 101 00:05:14,472 --> 00:05:18,267 Oh, for hell's sake, just take me, you devil-spawn sex monkey. 102 00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:21,229 Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! 103 00:05:22,522 --> 00:05:23,648 Problem solved. 104 00:05:26,734 --> 00:05:29,862 I'm sorry, Daphne, I drifted. Would you tell that story again? 105 00:05:32,323 --> 00:05:33,365 FRASIER: Hold it. Stop. 106 00:05:33,449 --> 00:05:35,993 Niles, you know full well that Daphne merely told us that story. 107 00:05:36,077 --> 00:05:37,870 She did not act it out. 108 00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:40,122 -Didn't she? -FRASIER: No. 109 00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:42,417 -Just tell the story. -Fine. 110 00:05:43,835 --> 00:05:45,336 It was a few hours later. 111 00:05:45,420 --> 00:05:47,046 We were having espresso. 112 00:05:47,130 --> 00:05:48,923 Perhaps to counteract the stimulant effect, 113 00:05:49,007 --> 00:05:50,633 Frasier was telling us about his day. 114 00:05:50,717 --> 00:05:53,761 You know, I can't stop thinking about my last caller today. 115 00:05:53,845 --> 00:05:58,098 Fascinating young woman. Had a recurring dream. 116 00:05:58,182 --> 00:06:00,977 You know who's a hell of a dreamer? Eddie. 117 00:06:02,603 --> 00:06:06,982 This one night I wake up, he's lying on my forehead dead asleep 118 00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:09,652 with a big clump of my hair in his mouth, growling. 119 00:06:11,362 --> 00:06:13,906 Bet you'd love to analyze that little brain of his. 120 00:06:15,825 --> 00:06:19,203 Yes, that would be the jewel in the crown of my career. 121 00:06:23,166 --> 00:06:27,753 Still, thinking about this woman has started me longing for private practice. 122 00:06:27,837 --> 00:06:31,465 I guess I just miss the chance to dig deep with my patients. 123 00:06:31,549 --> 00:06:33,550 Have you considered seeing patients on the side? 124 00:06:33,634 --> 00:06:34,802 Oh, yes, of course. 125 00:06:34,886 --> 00:06:37,221 I've got a list of people who've expressed interest. 126 00:06:37,305 --> 00:06:40,349 Frasier, I have a proposition. 127 00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:42,810 I mentioned that doctor in the office next door? 128 00:06:42,894 --> 00:06:45,020 Well, his lease is up. 129 00:06:45,104 --> 00:06:48,148 If you were interested in his office, as his landlord, 130 00:06:48,232 --> 00:06:51,032 I could tell him and his screaming mimis to hit the road. 131 00:06:54,864 --> 00:06:56,783 -You… and I? -Mm. Mm-hm. 132 00:06:58,242 --> 00:06:59,911 -Working side by side? -Mm-hm. 133 00:07:05,208 --> 00:07:09,545 I don't mind telling you the prospect sounds quite exciting. 134 00:07:09,629 --> 00:07:11,630 We could consult on each other's patients. 135 00:07:11,714 --> 00:07:14,174 -We could give seminars together. -Even therapy groups. 136 00:07:14,258 --> 00:07:15,843 Oh, my God. Crane and Crane. 137 00:07:15,927 --> 00:07:19,473 I can see our logo already: a giant crane hovering above a human head. 138 00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:21,767 [LAUGHS] 139 00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:26,771 Dad, why are you laughing? Why is Dad laughing? 140 00:07:26,855 --> 00:07:28,565 You two, you never learn. 141 00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:30,525 Oh, you think this is a bad idea? 142 00:07:30,609 --> 00:07:33,904 The restaurant you bought together, that was a bad idea. 143 00:07:34,905 --> 00:07:38,158 The book you tried to write together, that was a bad idea. 144 00:07:38,242 --> 00:07:39,451 This… 145 00:07:42,746 --> 00:07:45,124 No, that restaurant was still the stupidest. 146 00:07:47,543 --> 00:07:50,336 Two little misadventures, and you doom us to failure. 147 00:07:50,420 --> 00:07:52,380 Oh, baloney. You've been like this since you were kids. 148 00:07:52,464 --> 00:07:54,257 You two can't work together. 149 00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:55,842 Maybe Dad's right. 150 00:07:55,926 --> 00:07:58,803 We're not ready for this. It could lead to conflict and tension. 151 00:07:58,887 --> 00:08:01,598 Hold it! Niles, tell the truth. 152 00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:02,682 Oh, all right. 153 00:08:02,766 --> 00:08:04,685 Stop raining on our parade, Dad. 154 00:08:05,936 --> 00:08:07,187 To Crane and Crane. 155 00:08:13,610 --> 00:08:17,280 FRASIER: Well, our first day together began innocently enough. 156 00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:19,282 Good morning, Dr. Crane. 157 00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:21,243 And to you, Dr. Crane. 158 00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:26,036 Oh, Niles, why should we be so formal? There's nobody around. 159 00:08:29,585 --> 00:08:32,504 -It's a high five, Niles. -Oh, oh, oh, sorry. 160 00:08:33,172 --> 00:08:34,089 All right. 161 00:08:35,465 --> 00:08:37,134 -Coffee? -Oh, yes, please. 162 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:42,890 Thank you. Oh, Niles, I can't tell you how much I've missed that. 163 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:45,851 The smell of the office place. 164 00:08:46,810 --> 00:08:50,230 The freshly oiled leather couches, the pungent coffee, 165 00:08:50,772 --> 00:08:55,235 the aroma of an exotic luncheon special wafting up from the cafeteria below. 166 00:08:55,319 --> 00:08:56,694 Actually, that's the lab next door. 167 00:08:56,778 --> 00:09:00,128 They lost power last night, and some of their tissue samples turned. 168 00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:07,247 By the way, I've put together some recent articles 169 00:09:07,331 --> 00:09:09,541 you may want to peruse to get up to speed. 170 00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:12,502 Up to speed? 171 00:09:13,629 --> 00:09:15,713 Well, it has been a while since you've practiced, 172 00:09:15,797 --> 00:09:17,925 and we could all use a little brushing up. 173 00:09:19,551 --> 00:09:22,012 Well, that's very considerate of you. 174 00:09:22,971 --> 00:09:25,391 Just put my homework assignment in my box there. 175 00:09:25,475 --> 00:09:26,392 As you wish. 176 00:09:41,699 --> 00:09:44,493 All right, where should we put this, then? 177 00:09:44,577 --> 00:09:47,705 Well, the only place it should go is right here by the couch, I think. 178 00:09:47,789 --> 00:09:51,667 No, Daphne, here on the desk it will pick up the earth tones in the carpet. 179 00:09:51,751 --> 00:09:53,961 There is this dead space here by the coffee station. 180 00:09:54,045 --> 00:09:55,963 Oh, underneath the heating vent? 181 00:09:56,047 --> 00:09:58,447 Why not just give it a blindfold and a cigarette? 182 00:09:59,634 --> 00:10:02,428 -It is your office. Put it where you like. -No, it is your plant. 183 00:10:02,512 --> 00:10:05,390 And it's my bleeding back, so I'm putting it right here. 184 00:10:06,432 --> 00:10:09,352 Honestly, I don't know how you put up with him. 185 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:11,854 NILES: Liar! Liar! 186 00:10:11,938 --> 00:10:13,606 Daphne never said that. 187 00:10:13,690 --> 00:10:15,608 Well, she said it with body language. 188 00:10:16,234 --> 00:10:20,196 I happen to be fluent in that language, and she said nothing of the kind. 189 00:10:21,030 --> 00:10:23,824 Would someone tell me what's so important about this plant? 190 00:10:23,908 --> 00:10:26,744 You'll know soon enough. I'm telling the rest of the story. 191 00:10:26,828 --> 00:10:28,454 I'm putting it right here. 192 00:10:30,873 --> 00:10:32,750 You know the best thing about getting old? 193 00:10:32,834 --> 00:10:36,670 Your hair may turn gray, your joints may stiffen, 194 00:10:36,754 --> 00:10:38,654 you may even have to walk with a cane. 195 00:10:39,215 --> 00:10:41,592 But people still ask you to help them move. 196 00:10:46,723 --> 00:10:48,849 Forgive me for overburdening you, Dad. 197 00:10:48,933 --> 00:10:51,227 Can you just put those in my office, please? 198 00:10:54,147 --> 00:10:57,900 Oh, look at your two names together on the door. 199 00:10:57,984 --> 00:11:01,988 But, Dr. Crane, is your brother's name smaller than yours? 200 00:11:03,281 --> 00:11:05,908 Yes, that's the only way it would fit. I assumed you wouldn't mind. 201 00:11:05,992 --> 00:11:09,092 After all, we're concerned here with healing people, aren't we? 202 00:11:10,621 --> 00:11:11,706 Of course, Niles. 203 00:11:13,249 --> 00:11:18,463 If I were interested in self-promotion, I guess I'd be content with my radio show, 204 00:11:19,547 --> 00:11:22,133 heard every day by over half a million listeners 205 00:11:23,551 --> 00:11:27,597 in the Pacific Northwest and parts of Canada. 206 00:11:30,392 --> 00:11:32,352 -What are you doing? -I'm moving the schefflera. 207 00:11:32,436 --> 00:11:33,478 I liked it where it was. 208 00:11:33,562 --> 00:11:35,981 Yes, but it didn't like it there. It wants light. 209 00:11:36,065 --> 00:11:39,025 You two tend to your plant. I'll go fetch the file cabinet. 210 00:11:39,109 --> 00:11:42,862 I have had this plant for two years. It's never been in direct sunlight. 211 00:11:42,946 --> 00:11:45,031 Obviously. Look at it. The leaves are puckering. 212 00:11:45,115 --> 00:11:48,243 They are not. They're wilted from the ride over in the trunk of the car. 213 00:11:48,327 --> 00:11:52,164 Oh, nonsense. Mafia snitches emerge from car trunks looking more robust. 214 00:11:52,873 --> 00:11:56,335 -This plant is going right over… -And so it begins. 215 00:11:59,296 --> 00:12:01,423 NILES: The incident with the plant was only the beginning. 216 00:12:01,507 --> 00:12:04,050 That was followed by a run-in at the receptionist's desk, 217 00:12:04,134 --> 00:12:06,011 a row at the coffee machine, 218 00:12:06,095 --> 00:12:08,805 and a contretemps when Frasier lost the men's-room key. 219 00:12:08,889 --> 00:12:10,598 That was an accident. 220 00:12:10,682 --> 00:12:12,059 Yes, it very nearly was. 221 00:12:13,352 --> 00:12:16,104 I am so tired of your exaggeration. 222 00:12:16,188 --> 00:12:19,400 You always make things 50,000 times worse than they are. 223 00:12:20,859 --> 00:12:23,195 Look, I'm going to tell the story from now on. 224 00:12:24,238 --> 00:12:27,949 The point is, our nerves were, well, pretty much shot 225 00:12:28,033 --> 00:12:31,328 by the time we conducted our first therapy group together. 226 00:12:31,412 --> 00:12:34,414 First off, I have a colleague to introduce. 227 00:12:34,498 --> 00:12:36,541 He is not only an esteemed psychiatrist, 228 00:12:36,625 --> 00:12:38,918 he happens to be my brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. 229 00:12:39,002 --> 00:12:40,462 Afternoon, everyone. 230 00:12:40,546 --> 00:12:44,424 Wow. You're Dr. Crane from the radio. 231 00:12:44,508 --> 00:12:46,885 -Guilty as charged. -Ah. 232 00:12:46,969 --> 00:12:48,511 Yes, but we all have to remind Dr. Crane 233 00:12:48,595 --> 00:12:50,764 that this is real psychiatry now, not the radio. 234 00:12:50,848 --> 00:12:52,891 No hanging up on the hard ones here. 235 00:12:57,938 --> 00:13:01,649 But rest assured, I am trained to deal with a full range of issues. 236 00:13:01,733 --> 00:13:04,486 Everything from envy to jealousy. 237 00:13:06,738 --> 00:13:09,574 But I'll just be observing today. 238 00:13:09,658 --> 00:13:11,659 I don't know you well enough to render any opinions yet, 239 00:13:11,743 --> 00:13:13,620 so just pretend I'm not here. 240 00:13:13,704 --> 00:13:15,164 And good luck with that. 241 00:13:19,376 --> 00:13:22,712 [CLEARS THROAT] Mrs. Kalish, perhaps you could bring us up to date 242 00:13:22,796 --> 00:13:24,381 on how you're dealing with your divorce. 243 00:13:24,465 --> 00:13:26,884 -This is week two, isn't it? -Yes. 244 00:13:27,634 --> 00:13:29,303 Well, um… 245 00:13:30,304 --> 00:13:33,306 I actually had my first date last night. 246 00:13:33,390 --> 00:13:35,142 Oh, that's wonderful. 247 00:13:35,226 --> 00:13:36,227 FRASIER: Hmm… 248 00:13:38,646 --> 00:13:39,772 Did you say something? 249 00:13:41,232 --> 00:13:42,233 I don't think so. 250 00:13:42,317 --> 00:13:46,488 It sounded like "hmm," like you disapproved. 251 00:13:48,281 --> 00:13:49,699 Well, since you asked. 252 00:13:51,493 --> 00:13:55,121 I think in divorce we have, well, painful feelings 253 00:13:55,205 --> 00:13:57,123 which are nevertheless healthy feelings. 254 00:13:57,207 --> 00:13:59,208 If we start to date too quickly, 255 00:13:59,292 --> 00:14:01,877 we want to be sure that that's not a panacea for the pain. 256 00:14:01,961 --> 00:14:05,131 Ooh, yes, you will find my brother's quite deft 257 00:14:05,215 --> 00:14:06,465 with those peppy little bromides. 258 00:14:06,549 --> 00:14:09,301 "Panacea for the pain." One can almost hear the phrase 259 00:14:09,385 --> 00:14:12,096 "We'll be right back after these words from Pringles." 260 00:14:14,682 --> 00:14:17,732 You don't wanna wait too long before you date, though, either. 261 00:14:18,186 --> 00:14:19,645 I waited five years. 262 00:14:19,729 --> 00:14:23,065 By then I was so desperate I stayed with the first woman who came along. 263 00:14:23,149 --> 00:14:27,278 She ended up being the same controlling ice princess as my first wife. 264 00:14:27,362 --> 00:14:28,279 FRASIER: Hmm. 265 00:14:28,363 --> 00:14:30,030 Well, Mr. Carr, there are many… 266 00:14:30,114 --> 00:14:33,564 Hold on, Dr. Crane. It sounded like your brother said something again. 267 00:14:35,912 --> 00:14:37,372 Well, since you've asked. 268 00:14:39,582 --> 00:14:42,418 It occurred to me that by waiting for five years 269 00:14:42,502 --> 00:14:45,129 and becoming, as you said, desperate, 270 00:14:45,922 --> 00:14:48,549 that perhaps you were really giving yourself license 271 00:14:48,633 --> 00:14:51,427 to pursue a woman who reminded you of your first wife. 272 00:14:52,095 --> 00:14:53,638 You had to repeat the pattern. 273 00:14:54,222 --> 00:14:56,140 Then you're saying it wasn't an accident? 274 00:14:56,224 --> 00:14:59,435 We have an expression in psychiatry: There are no accidents. 275 00:15:00,019 --> 00:15:02,219 And now let's check in with news and traffic. 276 00:15:06,109 --> 00:15:09,820 Dr. Crane, are you denying that most accidents happen for a reason? 277 00:15:09,904 --> 00:15:12,531 No, Dr. Crane, I believe they do. 278 00:15:12,615 --> 00:15:15,534 I'm reminded of a recent accident involving a four-inch wooden block 279 00:15:15,618 --> 00:15:18,918 attached to a men's-room key which walked off in somebody's pocket. 280 00:15:21,291 --> 00:15:24,001 Obviously an act of hostility, wouldn't you say? 281 00:15:24,085 --> 00:15:25,336 Certainly a well-deserved one 282 00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:29,257 considering what an insufferable prig someone has been today. 283 00:15:30,091 --> 00:15:33,010 You dare call me a prig after I rescued you 284 00:15:33,094 --> 00:15:35,012 from that sideshow you call a radio program? 285 00:15:35,096 --> 00:15:36,639 One more crack about my show, 286 00:15:36,723 --> 00:15:40,423 and I'll put that wooden block in a place you'll always be able to find it. 287 00:15:42,688 --> 00:15:45,524 Group, take five minutes of quiet introspection. 288 00:15:51,989 --> 00:15:54,950 Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it. 289 00:15:57,411 --> 00:15:58,912 You are not scaring me. 290 00:15:58,996 --> 00:16:01,999 The thumb goes on the outside, Niles. On the outside. 291 00:16:03,917 --> 00:16:07,003 -How dare you try to steal my group? -I don't need your group. 292 00:16:07,087 --> 00:16:09,130 I got a group of my own, half a million strong. 293 00:16:09,214 --> 00:16:11,007 Oh, yes, your legions. 294 00:16:11,091 --> 00:16:13,176 Why don't you rent a barn, pass out the body paint, 295 00:16:13,260 --> 00:16:14,560 and call it Frasier stock? 296 00:16:16,430 --> 00:16:18,348 I'm a little tired of your condescending attitude. 297 00:16:18,432 --> 00:16:20,892 You have not missed one single opportunity to run down my show 298 00:16:20,976 --> 00:16:23,520 or grab a book off the shelf to help me get up to speed. 299 00:16:23,604 --> 00:16:25,188 By God, you're such a brilliant healer, 300 00:16:25,272 --> 00:16:26,731 you've taken over care of my schefflera. 301 00:16:26,815 --> 00:16:28,775 Well, you were starving it of sunlight. 302 00:16:28,859 --> 00:16:33,072 All right, fine, let's just give the little dear all the sunlight it needs. 303 00:16:38,744 --> 00:16:40,579 Are you insane? 304 00:16:40,663 --> 00:16:43,873 If I were, Doctor, you'd never know it! 305 00:16:43,957 --> 00:16:46,167 Oh, you! 306 00:16:46,251 --> 00:16:50,338 -And you know it's true. -You are the most ego maniacal, 307 00:16:50,422 --> 00:16:54,259 -self-important, pompous, sweaty… -You have no insight, no feeling in… 308 00:16:54,843 --> 00:16:56,136 Is that my group? Group? 309 00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:58,055 Oh, wait, group. Come back, group. 310 00:16:58,972 --> 00:17:01,122 I'm very proud of this show of independence. 311 00:17:02,434 --> 00:17:04,019 I hope you're happy. 312 00:17:04,103 --> 00:17:07,480 If I were, Doctor, you'd never know it. 313 00:17:07,564 --> 00:17:09,858 -Stop saying that. -I will not stop saying it. 314 00:17:09,942 --> 00:17:12,360 -[BOTH ARGUING] -Dr. Crane. Dr. Crane. 315 00:17:12,444 --> 00:17:13,486 Hello, Dr. Schachter. 316 00:17:13,570 --> 00:17:16,364 -What's going on? -I'm having a discussion with my brother. 317 00:17:16,448 --> 00:17:19,200 I can hear your discussion across the hall in my office. 318 00:17:19,284 --> 00:17:22,370 Well, you see, he waltzed in here like the belle of the ball and into… 319 00:17:22,454 --> 00:17:24,205 I've seen you dancing all over… 320 00:17:24,289 --> 00:17:27,668 Whoa. Now, look, you two are obviously in some distress. 321 00:17:28,544 --> 00:17:32,214 As you know, I am a specialist in couples therapy. 322 00:17:33,716 --> 00:17:37,594 Never treated brothers before, but still, you can step into my office. 323 00:17:37,678 --> 00:17:38,845 I'm sure I can help you. 324 00:17:38,929 --> 00:17:40,138 SCHACHTER: Hold it. Hold it. 325 00:17:40,222 --> 00:17:42,599 I never said, "I'm sure I can help you." 326 00:17:43,434 --> 00:17:46,104 I said, "I may be able to help you." 327 00:17:47,021 --> 00:17:48,523 See how he twists your words? 328 00:17:49,357 --> 00:17:50,775 It's right here, buddy boy. 329 00:17:51,401 --> 00:17:53,986 Enough! You are doctors! 330 00:17:54,070 --> 00:17:56,781 I've never seen anything like this in my life. 331 00:17:56,865 --> 00:17:58,824 You think he's trying to steal your patients. 332 00:17:58,908 --> 00:18:02,286 And you think he's trying to undermine you as a psychiatrist. 333 00:18:02,370 --> 00:18:05,706 But you must know what is at the root of this problem. 334 00:18:05,790 --> 00:18:06,833 CRANES: He is. 335 00:18:07,834 --> 00:18:08,793 No. 336 00:18:09,627 --> 00:18:12,630 You have a fundamental lack of trust. 337 00:18:12,714 --> 00:18:17,385 Oh, it may be so deeply rooted by now that it's impossible to change, 338 00:18:17,469 --> 00:18:20,930 but there are certain exercises that we could try, 339 00:18:21,014 --> 00:18:22,974 provided you two are willing. 340 00:18:23,725 --> 00:18:25,893 -Oh, if he's willing, I can try it. -Yes, well, maybe. 341 00:18:25,977 --> 00:18:31,565 Let's start with the most basic trust exercise there is. 342 00:18:31,649 --> 00:18:37,113 Now, one of you simply stands on this footstool 343 00:18:37,197 --> 00:18:41,826 and falls backwards into your brother's waiting arms, 344 00:18:41,910 --> 00:18:45,705 thus demonstrating that we can trust each other. 345 00:18:45,789 --> 00:18:47,998 Dr. Crane, why don't you go first? 346 00:18:48,082 --> 00:18:49,417 Well, all right. 347 00:18:49,501 --> 00:18:52,420 Just get up there and let yourself go. 348 00:18:52,504 --> 00:18:54,047 All right. [CLEARS THROAT] 349 00:18:59,552 --> 00:19:01,252 Is he standing directly behind me? 350 00:19:02,305 --> 00:19:04,766 Yes. Now trust your brother. 351 00:19:08,561 --> 00:19:10,563 I'd feel better if he were wearing rubber soles. 352 00:19:10,647 --> 00:19:14,025 Oh, for God's sake, Niles. Just get down. I'll go first, all right? 353 00:19:20,698 --> 00:19:21,741 Is he in position? 354 00:19:23,201 --> 00:19:25,537 Yes. Trust him. 355 00:19:29,582 --> 00:19:31,532 You should know he catches like a girl. 356 00:19:35,046 --> 00:19:37,173 I don't believe this. Get down, will you? 357 00:19:37,674 --> 00:19:39,592 This couldn't be easier. 358 00:19:39,676 --> 00:19:43,721 I get up here, I count to three, and you catch me. 359 00:19:43,805 --> 00:19:45,807 One, two, three. 360 00:19:49,352 --> 00:19:51,480 -Why didn't you catch him? -Well, you were closer. 361 00:19:51,564 --> 00:19:53,523 -It was your turn. -It was my turn? 362 00:19:53,607 --> 00:19:55,776 -[BOTH ARGUING] -That is it! That is it. 363 00:19:56,652 --> 00:20:02,491 In 30 years as a couples therapist, I've never said what I'm about to say. 364 00:20:03,534 --> 00:20:04,493 Give up. 365 00:20:07,496 --> 00:20:08,497 It's hopeless. 366 00:20:09,373 --> 00:20:12,751 You are pathologically mistrustful of each other. 367 00:20:13,460 --> 00:20:16,672 Competitive to the point of madness. 368 00:20:17,965 --> 00:20:19,091 So, trust me, 369 00:20:20,259 --> 00:20:24,513 just meet each other at weddings and funerals, 370 00:20:24,597 --> 00:20:28,726 and the rest of the time, stay the hell away from each other. 371 00:20:30,853 --> 00:20:35,982 And now I am going to limp to the nearest pub and drink 372 00:20:36,066 --> 00:20:38,652 until the rest of me is as numb as my ass. 373 00:20:48,037 --> 00:20:48,954 Well… 374 00:20:50,289 --> 00:20:51,665 That was quite a diagnosis. 375 00:20:54,293 --> 00:20:55,210 Yes. 376 00:20:57,254 --> 00:20:58,881 But there's no denying it. 377 00:21:00,424 --> 00:21:04,386 We are vindictive and competitive. 378 00:21:04,470 --> 00:21:06,305 Petty, mistrustful. 379 00:21:06,972 --> 00:21:08,682 And as so often in these cases, 380 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,477 it took someone outside our situation to point it out to us. 381 00:21:12,561 --> 00:21:15,189 Well, Dad always said it, but he has no credentials. 382 00:21:17,483 --> 00:21:20,569 Well, there's no arguing with Dr. Schachter's credentials. 383 00:21:20,653 --> 00:21:22,988 My God, the man is an expert in his field. 384 00:21:24,198 --> 00:21:26,200 He graduated from the University of… 385 00:21:29,745 --> 00:21:30,704 Grenada. 386 00:21:34,291 --> 00:21:37,168 Well, surely that was just his undergraduate schooling. 387 00:21:37,252 --> 00:21:39,802 Oh, yes, of course. His graduate work was done in… 388 00:21:41,757 --> 00:21:42,758 Aruba. 389 00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:48,179 -An all-Caribbean schooling. -Hmm. 390 00:21:48,263 --> 00:21:49,431 Well, tally me banana. 391 00:21:50,015 --> 00:21:51,725 ♪ Tally me banana ♪ 392 00:21:52,226 --> 00:21:54,269 I knew the man was a fraud the minute he opened his mouth. 393 00:21:54,353 --> 00:21:56,564 Oh, I'll have him out of his lease at the end of the week. 394 00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:59,692 Oh, Niles, we've still got time to catch a late lunch. 395 00:21:59,776 --> 00:22:01,944 -Oh, Perisse is just around the corner. -Away we go. 396 00:22:02,028 --> 00:22:05,114 -Chez Shea is just as close. -But the food at Perisse is much better. 397 00:22:05,198 --> 00:22:07,617 Oh, nonsense. Compared to Chez Shea, it's slop for pigs. 398 00:22:07,701 --> 00:22:09,118 -Have you lost your mind? -Shut up. 399 00:22:09,202 --> 00:22:10,402 NILES: Oh, you shut up. 400 00:22:12,789 --> 00:22:13,789 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 401 00:22:13,873 --> 00:22:16,565 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪ 402 00:22:16,649 --> 00:22:18,920 ♪ Tossed salad and scrambled eggs ♪ 403 00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:20,838 Mercy. 404 00:22:20,922 --> 00:22:23,341 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪ 405 00:22:23,425 --> 00:22:25,843 ♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪ 406 00:22:25,927 --> 00:22:28,137 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 407 00:22:28,221 --> 00:22:29,680 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 408 00:22:29,764 --> 00:22:33,393 ♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 409 00:22:34,102 --> 00:22:36,771 ♪ They're callin' again ♪ 410 00:22:36,855 --> 00:22:38,648 Good night, Seattle, we love you!